Original subtitles

Previously on Kidding...

Have you ever wanted to turn back time?

... my proposal that this proposal

is a real proposal to propose.

Can you live with that?

♪ I'm angry at God and I'm angry at Jill ♪

♪ She was driving the car ♪

♪ It's her fault we lost Phil! ♪

I wanna show you something

that I found in Mom's closet.

What is this?

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

"Begin by closing your eyes

and seeing the moment in time you'd like to return to.

Now surround yourself with the past."

"This trick, if you can call it a trick,

is incredibly difficult to pull off.

It all depends on one thing"...

I'm sorry.

- For what? - Dad's right.

It's important to be honest.

Who are these wonderful people?

I made this decision without you for a number of reasons.

Kidneys. Heart.

Lungs. Liver.

So much of him is still here.

I'm sorry.

These are the friends you don't get to have.

He's breathing our air.

His eyes read.

A 15-minute ride away,

his heart beats in a woman's chest.

He saved seven lives.

But I'd trade 'em all for one more hour with him.

Did you read them?

They're not mine to read. They're Phil's.

They're Phil's gifts.

Not yours.

I wanted him to have this for himself.

If you knew, you would've reached out.

You would've answered all of these letters.

You would've invited them all to Thanksgiving.

I'd be passing the sweet potatoes

to his fucking pancreas.

The headlines would read,

"Jeff Pickles saves seven lives,"

but Jeff Pickles did not save seven lives.

Phil did.

That was his gift to them,

and not telling you was my gift to him.

The headlines would not have read,

"Jeff Pickles saves lives."

They did when you hit my boyfriend with your car.

Are you gonna bring that up every time we have a fight?

I was so angry when that man threw that flaming pickle jar

at the wrong house.

- How could you say that? - I could have begun again...

could move.

Moving isn't moving on.

Do you want me to move on?

Yeah.

Then blame me.

For what?

I drove the car.

Blame me.

I don't understand why you need that.

Because until someone wearing your face said it...

I didn't realize how much

I needed to hear it from you.

This is not... this is...

It's not how you heal.

Do you blame me for Phil's death?

I can't give you what you want.

Why won't anyone tell me what I already know?

Why won't anyone let me have that?

No one will let me have that!

But you will.

You'll say what's in your heart.

You wanna sell the house? Fine. Sell the house.

Blame me.

- Stop it. - Blame me.

Blame me. Blame me!

- Stop. - Blame me!

- Don't make me do that. - Do you blame me?

Please, just answer the fucking question!

Do you blame me?

And a-one, two, three, four,

five, six.

Now knees.

One, two, three, four, step, five, six.

Good.

Why was Jeff Pickles at jazz night?

He wants to teach the Dalai Lama the Charleston.

So I told him to come to class.

How do you two even know each other?

He lives in my building.

Did you invite him to the bar?

Yeah. He said he'd come, but you never know.

Does he drink?

No, but people are always buying him shots,

which is great, 'cause then he gives them to me

and designated-drivers me home.

Nice playing, friend.

Wait, are you fucking Jeff Pickles?

Oh, my God.

So what are the rules? Can we curse around him?

You treat him like a normal person.

Who transitions between the real world

and the magical realm of puppets

via a pickle barrel with a parachute on it.

Just don't, like, pepper him with dumb questions, okay?

Yeah. Obviously.

Is it true you're completely celibate?

Only in Japan.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

Is Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly death?

No, but a lot of people ask me that.

Who's the most exciting celebrity you've ever met?

- Julie Andrews. - What?

No way!

- Oh, my God. - What was she like?

A hurricane.

Mr. Pickles?

The folks over there wanted you to know

you can drink "anything at all" on their tab.

Ah.

Thank you.

Charge!

I feel like there's more steps tonight.

They might've put some in.

Did you know that you can actually rent out

the New York Public Library

for a private function for $60,000?

Why do you know that?

I think I'm gonna puke.

No, you... you're not gonna puke, 'cause you're right here.

Too many people like you.

No.

No one said you had to drink the thank-you drinks.

- I'm a bag of liquid. - Keys?

I can open my door.

- I know you can. - Stop...

And that's what I'm gonna let you do right now.

... yelling at me.

Whoo!

I like your dance friends.

That's good.

- Good night. - Good night.

Is the jazz too loud?

Sit down.

On the floor.

Sit down.

Tie your shoelaces together.

Can I talk?

You'll know when to talk.

- Okay. - And sit on your hands.

I'm falling for you.

- I love you too. - You need to stop saying that.

I mean it.

But not in the way that I mean it.

It's not unrequited.

Then kiss me.

I don't think I have room in my life

for the kind of relationship you want.

Every time we have this conversation,

I am told to pretend this is something it isn't.

I don't wanna be in a romantic relationship with anyone.

I'm married to my mission.

Look around. I'm a monk.

I'm married to the children of the world.

Well...

enjoy watching The Sound of Music

for the 46th time.

That's not fair.

I hope that you and that bouncing lyric ball

find the happiness you so richly deserve.

I love...

Sorry.

... our friendship.

I wanna protect it.

This isn't a friendship.

This is me in love with you.

I'm in love with you too... as a friend.

If we can't be more than friends,

I don't wanna be friends at all.

Either this moves forward...

or it doesn't exist.

I don't know what to tell you.

Then it doesn't exist.

Come on.

Don't...

It's for the best.

Hey.

How you feeling this morning?

I'm so excited you came.

I'm gonna warn you: my friends are really good at trivia.

You seem like you can keep up.

Maybe you're who you are

- and I'm who I am... - Oh, really?

... and we're just never gonna see eye-to-eye

about, I don't know, everything!

Jeez.

Wait, should I bring a coat?

No, you'll just get drunk and lose it.

I'm really glad we threw a party.

Just... no, like this.

Just hold it like this.

No, like this, dude.

You do this every time. Hold it like this.

- This is! - No! Like this.

- Like this. - No, like this!

Oh, um, actually...

it is, uh, Second Street, not Second Avenue.

New York, New York, one-zero-zero-one-three.

Thank you.

Oh, you forgot one.

♪ Change, it's a lot of things ♪

♪ Strange, oh, the fear it brings ♪

♪ Change ♪

♪ It takes you miles from home ♪

♪ It brings your pain ♪

♪ Into precious view ♪

♪ Strange, but refreshes you ♪

♪ Change ♪

♪ The ticking of life's metronome ♪

♪ I understand why ♪

♪ You're contrary, love ♪

♪ Change is sweet ♪

♪ But scary, love ♪

From, uh, Sigma Tau Delta.

Okay, thank you.

♪ I know I'm wry ♪

♪ But don't out-wryness me ♪

♪ Just be grateful ♪

♪ Minus me ♪

♪ Change, it's a lot of things ♪

I miss you.

May I enter?

Your Holiness.

A gift of thanks

for welcoming me on your program.

I made this creation just for you.

Salvador Dalai Lama.

He loves to paint...

and paints to love.

That's nice. Thank you.

This was not the reaction I was hoping for.

- I'm... distracted today. - Mm.

Ah.

What's her name?

It's not... I-I shouldn't bother you.

I once fell madly in love with a woman.

She had brown hair and brown eyes.

She lived on a mountain.

I was not supposed to love her.

But I did.

And it cost me everything.

When was this?

1706.

Ah.

Do you ever regret having a lifestyle that...

... prevents us from having intimate relationships?

Jeff,

I am a monk.

You are not a monk.

You are children's puppet guy.

The problem with this woman is about you.

Your calling is to raise the world's children.

But perhaps what's stopping you

is that you are afraid to have your own.

Because of your mom

abandoning you.

Is that what you are afraid of?

I'm afraid I'll never be happy.

Mm.

Happiness is a thing

that happens in the now.

It is fleeting.

It exists,

and then it does not.

There is only the pleasure before the pain,

the smile before the suffering.

We could only be truly happy

if we could freeze time forever.

But we can't.

That is impossible.

Is it worth it?

Dying for your love?

When love has hold of your heart,

you go.

Go like a stallion.

Thank you.

But remember:

I get reincarnated.

Jill!

Jill!

Jill!

Ooh, jeez.

- Sorry! - Son of a bitch!

Jill!

Jill!

Jeff?

I'm sorry.

What are you doing here?

I wanna have the conversation we should've had that night.

Well, we could go somewhere and grab a coffee.

I lied to you...

when I said we couldn't be together because of my job.

Truth is...

I'm afraid of the pain it would cause if you left.

And now that's all I have. So...

Also, Julie Andrews meant nothing.

Also, I know that you've had a lifelong fantasy

about getting married in the New York Public Library.

But $60,000 is just too much to spend on anything...

... in my opinion, you know?

Could you say something?

Please?

It includes catering.

You read the fine print.

I Google things.

I don't like to spend money on myself.

I don't like not talking to you.

I beat your pinball score.

- No, you didn't. - Mm-hmm.

Knocked you right off the chart.

It's when I knew you were gone for real.

You casually destroyed my life's work.

What about a backyard?

My dad could do the food.

Instead of gifts,

people could give to a worthy cause.

I think we should date first.

Oh!

Sure. Whatever you want.

I'll never leave you.

I'll never lie to you again.

Although we grow older, there is always more

the universe has to teach us.

It is even a greater gift

when one encounters a fellow traveler

with that same childlike spirit

who wishes to grow

and learn and marvel along with you.

Recognizing this,

I ask you, Jeff,

to look into Jill's eyes

and tell her.

Do you vow to nurture

and be nurtured,

protect and be protected,

nourish and be nourished,

so that you may grow

in this world together?

I do.

I do blame you.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry about your dad.

We can't turn back time,

but we can steal it.

Does your house have a clock?

Maybe it's on the microwave

or your father's wristwatch.

Today,

I want you to go to that clock

and I want you to turn the time back one hour.

And I want you to spend that hour with your family.

Treat them as what they are:

a precious gift from the universe.

I can't be there every day for you,

but there are people in your life who can.

Your sisters and brothers, mom and dad.

Cousins, friends.

Even your teachers.

See, family can be anyone in the world who loves you,

anyone in the world who gives you strength.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Dad says if the rocket explodes,

we're standing in the debris field.

Please just try and enjoy yourselves.

Welcome to Dragon resupply mission CRS-21.

We're about 15 minutes from our scheduled departure

to the International Space Station.

Or as Astronotter would say...

Can I call you New Mom?

- Yes. - Well, I don't...

Hershey Park, here we come.

Ow!

Don't you fucking hurt Dolores.

I like your purple belt.

We get it, James. You can see.

Sorry about your throat.

You're all that I have now.

It's kind of nice.

Jeff...

I'm here.

Do you have an hour?

I want you to meet someone.

So tell me about this $80,000 car.

How do you know the MSRP of a Range Rover?

Mm, I Google things.

Do these heated seats work in the summertime?

There's three settings.

Well, now you're just showing off.

♪ Where do you turn ♪

♪ When there's no one to turn to? ♪

♪ Where, when it's so hard to cope? ♪

♪ How can you start ♪

♪ Make a change, maybe learn too ♪

♪ What do you need? ♪

♪ Hope is the song ♪

♪ When the world is a menace ♪

♪ Hope is the open... ♪

♪ ... door, ooh ♪

♪ Maybe getting back up ♪

♪ Again is ♪

♪ What falls ♪

♪ Are for ♪

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --