Original subtitles

Previously on Kidding...

Neither of you were here

for the Pickle Wiggle fiasco of 1993.

Picture that thing, but vibrating

at the bottom of a cereal box.

I wanna see a place that makes Mom so happy,

she'd choose that over us.

The show is a trap.

You are a terrible father!

Would you please say something,

anything, please?

Murderer!

You killed the magic!

Murderer! Murderer!

Breakfast is so boring!

- Think again, kids. - Fortissimo!

Maestro Pimento Fermata!

What are you doing here?

Who is ready for some breakfast-a música?

Wow! Awesome!

Allora... now you can be like the maestro

and start your own choir

by collecting all four Pickle Wigglers.

And even more good news!

Best-O's is molto healthy for your body.

Mom, there's no added sugar!

- Oh? - Mom, there's no artificial colors!

- Oh? - Mom, there's no artificial flavors!

Oh? Best-O's Cereal.

The cereal that makes you go...

oh!

'Scuse me.

Clean up, aisle seven.

What the fuck do they put in this shit?

Mom, there's no toy in the box!

Ohh... oh!

Ohh...

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Dad, don't hang up.

I'm eating oatmeal. Stop calling.

I haven't seen him since the Philippines.

I don't care. He's an adult. He'll come home.

_

- Ohh... ah... - Mom?

Mom, I'm hungry.

Oh, Jesus...

Where'd it go?

Where did it go? Where did it go?

Ooh...

Why are you walking like that?

Because this is how stressed-out people walk

when their brothers go AWOL!

Oh.

What do I tell the Smithsonian

if he doesn't show up?

He'll be there.

He's not going to miss

his own lifetime achievement award.

This is stale.

I've already lost twenty-four Mr. Pickleses.

I can't lose 25.

Jeff lost his entire pickle family.

He's due some time on his own.

Maybe he finally...

Maddy.

That is insanely inappropriate.

- Go play with your axe. - It's sleeping.

You don't think this is my fault, do you?

Right, because everything's my fault,

always my fault... just say it.

You regret putting me in charge, don't you?

Just say it!

Say it!

Do you wish you only had one child?

Tell me, honestly, right now.

I wanna hear it. It's open season.

You are... unbelievable.

Maddy, get in the car.

I wanna stay with Grandpa.

Fine!

Forget it.

Were you trying to talk just now,

but your brain wouldn't let you?

We need to go see a doctor right now.

Hey! Where's Jeff?

What happens if he doesn't show up?

Have you thought about that?

Are you kidding? You know what Kennedy'll do?

He'll take this glad-ass economy we're swimming in

and burn it to shit

with all those damn freebie programs he's yawing about.

At least he's got what it takes

to stand up to Khrushchev and the Reds.

Are you telling jokes?

Nixon'll take a bite into Khrushchev's thigh

and hold onto it forever like a Doberman Pincher!

It's a Pinscher, not a Pincher.

- It's Pincher. - Pinscher.

Larry, settle an argument.

Gladys.

What'd I tell you about opening the fridge?

Stay in front of the bar.

Kennedy's a bootlegger... but I like a bootlegger.

Better than that war hawk Dick Nixon.

Larry served.

I was a sniper in Korea.

Took out a lotta bad guys. No big deal.

Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher,

but he's a family man too.

You got kids, Larry?

Phil, Will, Bill, Gil, Til, and Dill...

all boys.

Larry with the strong semen!

Oh, yeah,

and they're all gonna vote Nixon, Larry!

Aw, come on!

Larry, I'm still waitin' on that Sidecar.

Sorry, Babs.

Next one's on the house.

You're a prince, Larry.

Ha. Tell ya what.

Next one's on the house for everybody.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Hey, Larry! - Larry! Larry!

Larry, Larry!

- Larry, Larry! - I need a quick refill.

Larry, Larry...

They're dry as a bone out there.

Good. Ha.

Let's keep it that way.

_

_

You good, man?

Uh...

I should get going.

Do you wanna be buried, cremated,

- or drowned? - What?

Did you see that woman?

- What woman? - It's the strangest thing.

She looked exactly like my ex-wife... exactly.

I thought you hated her.

I do.

I also love her.

I get it. I really get it.

Wait here.

Sebastian.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I had a momentary inability to speak.

But everything feels tip-top now.

I'm afraid your blood work

tells a complicated story of love and loss.

- It does? - It does what?

I'm sorry. What did you say?

I said you've had a minor stroke.

Oh, well, well, that's what I thought.

And you're at risk for a major one.

- Should she be here? - She's my nurse.

Maddy, do you wanna leave?

- No. - All right.

Your red blood cell count... it's high.

It's like California and earthquakes.

The Big One could come tomorrow.

Could be a week, a month.

- A year? - I didn't say a year.

Your heart sounds scared.

Hey, let's just keep this our little secret, okay?

Pinky promise.

Pinky promise.

Is there a cure for dementia,

Alzheimer's? No.

But can we treat it? Yes.

With quality memory care.

Inside of these walls, it is 1960 all day,

every day.

Mickey Mantle bats for the Yankees

and Eisenhower sits in the Oval.

Nostalgia therapy comforts the fragile mind

from... from outbursts...

Could you excuse me for one second?

- Sure. - Thank you.

_

What's up, man?

- Can I stay a little longer? - You're Jeff Pickles.

You can stay as long as you want.

That's not true, Cornell.

No, no, I really don't mind.

You should know by now

that visiting hours don't apply to you.

No, I mean you said I'm Jeff Pickles, but...

he isn't born for another eight years.

Have I shown you the bus stop?

It's new since your last visit.

Solved a big problem for us...

what to do when a patient wants to leave.

So now when they get that itch to go,

an aide comes and brings them to the bus stop,

and they wait until they forget

why they wanted to leave in the first place.

And they just go right back inside.

But don't you feel like you're lying

to the elderly and demented?

A lie is for you.

This is for them.

We call it compassionate deception.

But the bus will never come

and she'll never get to leave.

And Larry'll never get to vote for Nixon.

But he can make a mean mocktail.

Most of the people who want to leave

are trying to go somewhere that doesn't exist anymore.

Do we tell them the spouse they wanna get to

died 30 years ago

or that their childhood home is now a Walmart?

- Reality is the disease. - Mm-hmm.

The fantasy is the pill.

So...

it's not a lie if it heals.

Exactly.

Dad?

Could you help me get ready?

Sure, son.

Since first meeting him

as an OSU sophomore,

I knew Jeff Pickles would go on

to touch countless lives

around the world.

In that spirit, let us take a moment of silence

to honor Filipino Mr. Pickles

who was brutally murdered by his own government.

We've been having some trouble

selling that sad, empty house next door,

but I think if we combine the two lots,

yours and his, some happy person

could build a spectacular Monterey Colonial.

Wait, what... I would sell too?

It's time. Don't you agree?

Change!

What's a Monterey Colonial?

Ugh.

Hold on.

Hello?

Can you come to where I am right now?

I'm not going to that awards thing.

Neither is Will. Stop asking.

Deirdre?

What?

- You called me. - Yes.

Did you hear what I said?

I need immediate medical attention.

Go to a hospital.

It's a personal situation. Can you come here?

Your family's not, you know, I'm not...

We're not related anymore.

I'm your son's aunt!

- Which makes us... - Sisters!

What is wrong with you? Currently, I mean, medically.

I really don't want the federal government

listening in on this one.

Well, I'm just in the middle...

Can you please come down here?

After church, can we go fishing?

A day on the lake? I love lakes.

That's a great idea.

Bobby Ledbetter said he caught a 5-pounder the other day.

- Ooh... - But I don't believe him.

Well, it's better to believe someone who's lying

than to doubt someone who's telling the truth.

Thanks, Dad.

You know, you're a good dad.

So then you take that big long one,

and then you're done.

You think you can do that next time?

I might have to ask you to show me again.

Well, I'll be here.

Who the fuck are you?

And two, and three...

It was the wedding of our dreams, wasn't it, Leonard?

Your vows brought me to my knees.

The scent of fresh lilies.

The sunlight splashed across your face.

It was perfect, wasn't it?

I was so worried about the salmon,

but it was everybody's favorite.

Even Aunt Beth went back for seconds.

And you know how she can be.

Who's Beth?

Do you love me?

I love you to the moon, Leonard.

I love you to the moon...

wife.

Spin!

You're so lucky to do this every day.

Oh...

now dip me like one of your French women.

♪ Only in my dreams ♪

♪ Only in my dreams ♪

Hi, Mom.

You're confused. I'm Louise.

Hi, Louise.

I'm your son.

No.

No.

I don't think so.

So where ya headed, Louise?

A place that makes me happy.

Niagara Falls?

How did you know?

Just a guess.

My sister lives there.

I wish I could go with you.

No, I'm going alone.

Cock fucker!

Son of a fuck!

I can't wait to get out

- of this fucking family! - Please hurry.

Every time it sings, it goes up further.

Oh... ooh...

You wouldn't have had this problem with the alto.

How was Hershey Park?

Scott and I went there once, but...

he thought the room was haunted.

Hershey Park is an adolescent nightmare.

It's not even ironically enjoyable.

Just because you appreciate chocolate

doesn't mean you appreciate a chocolate roller coaster.

But filter "I love chocolate" through a man's brain,

and... whatever, doesn't matter.

I don't matter. Nothing matters

except for the plumbing of my ex-husband's sister's vagina.

- Did something happen? - Jesus, did this thing take the subway?

You're not wearing your ring.

- I really need to concentrate. - Will said Peter was proposing.

Oh, really? He said this

on the plane ride back from being kidnapped

- to the Philippines? - No.

On the chopper, leaving the fishing vessel.

I told Peter I needed time to think.

- You told him no? - I said I need time

because I need time.

Because you still love Jeff.

I definitely have zero feelings for that man...

- zero! - Are you two okay in there?

- Yeah, we're good. - We're just fine.

Thank you.

Here, do this for me.

Hey, that's the woman, her.

That's Grandma.

Are you sure that's Grandma?

Ah, you never forget your first wife.

That's not really Grandma.

No, but she's a dead ringer.

Go over and say something.

- What about you? - Don't worry about me.

- I wouldn't know what to say. - Go, or I'll kill myself.

Excuse me.

- Yes? - I'm sorry, but...

you look exactly like my ex-wife.

That's a terrible line.

Oh, my name is Sebastiano.

Most everybody calls me Seb.

And I wonder, um...

would you have a meal with me?

I'm busy at the moment, but you knew that already.

You should eat after you do these things

or you'll pass out.

I have plans.

I understand.

Sebastiano.

Yes.

Give me a reason to cancel my plans.

I'll give you one tonight.

And another tomorrow morning.

Your tux reminds me of a dream I had last night.

Oh, God. Ha.

There's nothing more annoying

than hearing about someone's dreams.

That's not true.

Nobody hated Martin Luther King.

Well, somebody did.

Oh!

You can't make that joke.

Fuck you!

Are you sure we've never met?

Excuse me for a moment.

Wait a minute... there's something I wanna tell you.

You should know that I had a small stroke today,

but I'm fine. I'm completely fine.

Glad to hear it.

What?

Have you ever felt that

life is sometimes suddenly...

so magical?

Yes.

But when you say it, it sounds stupid.

Mmm.

What's beating you up, little boy?

Guess I just don't wanna be me.

What's the me you wanna be?

Someone whose wife isn't remarrying

an anesthesiologist.

Someone whose...

son... is still talking to him.

Someone who can cope... ha... with his feelings.

You can feel anything at all.

Anything at all, you can feel it.

Thanks.

That's good advice.

It's not advice.

I read that on the back of a prophylactic.

Oh.

There's a way out, if you wanna hear it.

See, I've got a bastard of a husband

and two kids I can't stand.

- You love your kids. - They're paperweights.

Adorable, funny...

paperweights.

But the good news is you can always escape.

You can?

- Sure. - Oh.

It's easy.

Failure doesn't have to follow you.

I'm escaping to Niagara Falls

to where my sister lives.

You want out?

You just have to get on the bus.

And the bus... always shows up.

I'm sorry. I have... to go home.

As a monotheist, I always believed

there was one creator.

Until I met our next speaker.

Please welcome the alchemist

who creates all those wonderful creatures

on Puppet Time, Deirdre Piccirillo.

Deirdre?

Is she here?

Go to the E.R.

You know whose fault this is?

Duterte.

He turned the Philippines into a police state.

He has oppressed his people for too long.

You can't just heave a man off a building

for singing about divorce!

The problem is men.

That's the common thread here.

Scott... a man... steals my furniture, my puppets,

ends my marriage?

- Sure. - Thank you!

And Dad... it's like, why are you trusting me?

Me? You can't trust me!

For the past 30 years,

all I'm doing is making puppets.

And now I'm in charge. That's great planning, Dad.

That's on you, Pop.

Anyone else on your list?

Yeah! Who doesn't show up

for their own lifetime achievement award?

Selfish people.

When I get an award for giving away all the money I embezzled,

I show the fuck up.

Uh-uh, no.

What?

You're a mess. You've always been a mess.

All that is happening to you is your fault

and no one else's.

In no uncertain terms,

you are the architect of your own catastrophe

except maybe the Duterte thing, but he's a dictator.

You chose who to marry. You chose your job.

You chose to put Jeff on the air with very few guardrails.

You chose to manufacture a doll

that listens to children sleeping,

and you chose to stick a very expensive vibrating pickle

into your vagina!

I'm sorry.

You twisted its head, you made it burrow,

you made it sing... you! Your fault, you!

You are Duterte!

I've been fucking myself this whole time!

I can't keep chasing her, can I?

No, man. Can't.

Sooner or later, you gotta accept reality.

Sooner is better.

Good evening.

I'm Jeff Pickles.

You know, my whole life...

I felt I had to choose between my job and my family.

And it took me till today

to realize how easy that choice is.

Because one of them is real

and one is a fantasy.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --