Original subtitles

Previously on Kidding...

Bought the house next to Jill's.

And why would you do that?

They need me.

Did Will do that?

When I told him to stop stealing my debit card.

I'm sick, Dee Dee.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Name one happy child of divorce.

Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?

We need versions of him we can control.

In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.

Then why are you getting a pedicure?

Get me Tara Lipinski.

Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!

Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!

Yeah, that's it!

He's coming back for you! Come on!

Don't take that shit, Jeff!

Get him!

Come on! Get him!

Knock his teeth down his throat!

Derrell...

Check out the new you.

My wife's always saying I should indulge,

but they're expensive, aren't they?

My manager likes me to close a sale

by bending down in front of you to check the toe,

and so you can see my chest.

That's when I'm really supposed to say,

"Check out the new you."

But it feels weird to give Mr. Pickles

the hard sell.

No, no, I like the line. You can say it again.

But I'll check the toe.

So...how's your treatment been coming along?

Uh, can you... ask me something else?

Mm-hmm... Ooh! The table keeps wobbling.

Yeah, your elbows.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Excuse me. Are you our... Waiter. Great.

Can I have the porterhouse, please?

Rare, like a good vet can save it?

I don't need a vegetable.

Also, a basket of truffle cornbread.

Also, a plastic bear of honey. Thank you.

Oh, you're hungry.

No, I-I...

I mean, I haven't been hungry in, like, six months.

Of course. Sorry.

C-can you come back? I-I don't know what I want yet.

Then why did you call the waiter over?

- Good God. - Watch your elbows.

- Elbows, I know. - Yes.

Those pills are just keeping me alive.

Don't worry. Dinner's on me.

No, no, no, you don't have to...

...do that.

No, really.

The fine folks at Discover haven't seen my X-rays.

They don't know I'm not paying

another bill for the rest of my life.

Fat fucking table!

What did you just say?

I don't know.

I have a tremendous amount of pent-up anger,

and I don't know where it's coming from or how to stop it.

And every day it grows and grows,

and I know I dress like a Mormon

and I talk like a monk,

but inside, I'm Mount St. Helens,

and it's 1980, and I am magma from the neck down.

You're so handsome.

You're so beautiful.

From now on, when I text you the letter V,

it means I came thinking about you.

I like...

your knobby knees.

I like the bend in your shoulder.

I like the space under your chin.

I like the way that...

your feet touch the carpet.

It's definitely working now.

That's ASMR...

Autonomous sensory meridian response.

Whispering triggers it.

It relaxes you.

Oh.

Let the machine get it.

More head tingles, please.

Okay.

History's mysteries...

...include the Tunguska event

- in Russia... - Mm-hmm.

You've reached

- Jeff... - - Jill...

- Will... - And Phil.

We're the Pickles!

Leave a message, pickle pals.

You've reached Jeff...

- Jill... - Will...

I need you to right-hand Soap Scum.

Why?

But it's... it's not on the schedule.

I wrote a song about clouds.

What kind of clouds?

Clouds made of tears?

What are you trying to say with this song?

It's just a normal song about normal clouds.

Huh.

I think Vivian's my girlfriend.

I like saying that.

It's not appropriate right now, but down the line,

you should probably both meet her.

Wow. Congratulations.

Yeah, congratulations.

- That would be great, yeah. - Wonderful news.

It's a big step.

Oh, he hates me.

Oh, he doesn't do that.

Don't be scared, Hopscotch!

They're just clouds!

They're rain clouds.

Rain clouds thunder and crash.

I like when clouds are shaped like turtles and bunnies.

But clouds are all made of the same thing... water.

Come on, big toes!

If I ain't afraid of water, how can you be?

I'm closer to the clouds than you.

Not anymore!

Maybe this woman

with the broken phone and the Hodgkin's lymphoma

is really helping him turn the corner.

- Maybe this is all he needed. - Maybe.

Now he wrote a song about clouds,

and it's really just about clouds.

Listen.

We're gonna have to reshoot this, Dee.

Why?

He's not wearing a wedding ring.

- Mr. Pickles is married. - To whom?

It doesn't matter.

Mrs. Pickles.

He's got to put the ring back on.

Please don't ask him to do that.

I have to.

But what if this is the start of his upswing?

It's not.

Whoo!

Or maybe we hold off...

on Other Jeff, just for the week,

see where we are.

She's already in my office, Dee.

I'm sorry.

I don't have to tell you what happens

to a generation of children

breast-fed on the electric nipple of technology.

Lack of empathy,

inability to create meaningful human connections,

war.

It's like someone dropped a toaster in the gene pool.

Every day a child stares at a screen

catapults us closer to societal collapse.

Unless...

Pickles on Ice.

Nothing would make me happier than spreading cheer to...

A marriage born out of the Puppet Time universe,

a story told in the real world

with your characters come to life,

starring Mr. Pickles himself,

in person,

as played by your ideal brand ambassador...

Olympic gold medalist, Miss Tara Lipinski.

If anyone was born to represent

that which you hold most dear,

it's this athletic, wholesome young woman.

Yes. I'm also a spokesperson

for the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids

and the Childhood Leukemia Foundation.

Oh...

So, um...

she, uh, would play me?

We, uh, pre-record all dialogue,

so it's your voice and her graceful body

melting hearts, freezing ice.

Yeah, well...

...I'd like a day to think about it.

No.

Why not?

Because it's my face on another body.

Well, it's all happening.

I hope you'll get on board.

But I said no.

It was 1987.

You told me about this school project,

this puppet show you were working on

for the OSU TV station.

I said, "Let me build on this."

You said, "Dad,

I don't want a contract.

I want a rule, one rule...

We give it away."

That was the Jeff rule, Jeff.

If we gave most of our salaries to charity,

I could make all the decisions.

You didn't even want an office.

I said I didn't want a desk.

I have saved the whales.

I have saved the children.

Your sister started a school in Belize

for girls with Belizean problems.

All that extra cash goes

exactly where you want it to go.

We have abided. All I'm asking is just this one thing.

Am I right, Dee Dee?

Jeff...

What's one more Jeff?

The world needs more Jeffs.

You're not just copying me

onto the body of a 30-year-old woman.

You're imbuing her with my full authority.

Her actions become my actions,

her mistakes, my mistakes,

her mammaries, my mammaries.

W-when you think about it,

what's the difference between that

and the already internationally licensed versions of the show?

In a way, there's already

a copy of you in over 20 countries.

There's a difference between Mr. Pickles-san of Japan

or Monsieur Cornichon du France

or Herr Gherkin von Deutschland.

I don't speak those languages.

They wear different-colored ties.

No child is gonna think they're me and I'm them.

But Tara Lipinski would be wearing my skin.

Eh, you're splitting hairs.

No, I'm not.

It's a slippery slope.

What's next, you make a doll of me

that'll say whatever you want?

Or a cartoon... that's even worse.

Soon you won't need me anymore.

What are you talking about, Jeff?

Sometimes I think that's what you want.

Sometimes I know that's what you want.

A talking doll is just commerce,

and animating you... I hope we don't need to,

but that's all gonna depend on your behavior.

Why do you want to replace me?

No one is replacing you.

Come on, Jeff. Come on.

Let's go, and let's meet...

the writers I hired.

What writers?

Rabbi Michael Epstein

holds a PhD in child development.

Yeah, I'm a man of God, but I'm also funny.

Grace Kasaki,

a graduate researcher from OSU.

She just published an article

in the Journal of Pediatric Sciences...

The One Thing You Should Never Feed a Child.

It's wheat.

And Shelly Pinsker

runs a popular Columbus-area mommy blog.

I'm new to dialogue, but I'm exc...

Whew.

We've never had writers before.

I'm setting it up in case one day

you don't want to do this anymore.

I'm giving you the peace of mind

to know all this will continue, regardless.

Regardless of what?

How is Will's drug problem? Better?

Worse.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Don't you wish you could spend more time with him?

Well, now you can.

Jeff?

What?

We also need you

to reshoot your cloud song.

Why?

Your wedding ring.

I'm sorry, kiddo.

I know we're piling it on today.

I was thinking,

with the show

going through all this healthy upheaval,

what harm could it do to introduce...

m-m-me?

Roly Polly,

the fearful pill bug.

I love you, honey.

You're not a performer.

Bye-bye.

I want to voice a puppet.

You said when Jeff leaves the show,

I become the heart of the operation.

No, no. You're not the heart of anything.

You become the brains, not the heart.

Why can't I be the heart?

Oh, yes, now I see.

We're back in our living room. He's seven, you're eight.

He's belting Streisand in perfect pitch,

and you're in the kitchen

accidentally dropping frying pans.

You're good at building corpses, Dee Dee.

You're not so great at bringing things to life.

That is Jeff's territory.

- That is not true! - Oh, yes.

It was true when you were a girl and you had Barbie

read Emily Dickinson to an empty room,

and it was true when you got older,

what with the in vitro.

Wow.

I'm not inventing a theme here. I'm exposing one.

You're good at the quiet arts, like conveying disdain.

See?

Please, can I puppet the pill bug?

I need it.

I need it. I need something for myself.

My marriage is falling apart.

It just feels that way because you dislike each other.

I think Scott might be gay.

Oh, no, he's not. Trust me.

I'm a Navy man. You're fine, Dee Dee.

Jeff's breaking down, but you're doing great.

Okay?

Okay.

My name is Roly Polly.

Whoo.

Mickey Foyerstein.

Who?

Oh, t-this kid who got kidnapped by an ice cream man.

At first, I heard he got to eat any ice cream bar for free,

so I was jealous.

Then I heard he got molested,

and I was like, "Ah, sucks."

Did you know him?

Nah, but I've been trying to think of his name

ever since I learned that that old dude's

been creeping on us in his creep coupe.

You, kid.

Get in the car.

Okay.

Don't do it, man! Think of Mickey.

Or else he would have lost his innocence for nothing!

- Okay, look me in the eye. - Hello! Help!

Where's the weed?

- I, uh, don't have any. - Somebody! Help!

You don't have any?

What the hell are we gonna smoke?

He's gonna touch your genitals!

Listen!

I'm so glad you're here with me tonight.

I really missed you.

I saw my mom and Peter watching this earlier.

Here.

There was some stuff going on.

I hate this.

Do you want me to turn it off?

No.

I just want to cook you some pasta,

then twirl it around on the plate.

Boy, this is some dank ganj, huh?

What?

You like it?

- Yeah. - Good.

'Cause that's the last time

you're ever gonna smoke weed, kid.

You are breaking your father's heart

with this shit, you understand me?

You're breaking his heart.

What about behind the school?

Nah, man.

That's a total no-go.

Special Ed is practicing archery in the woods.

Want to come get blazed?

We don't know where yet.

Archery day, huh?

Yeah, all week.

The woods are not safe.

No, man, I'm actually, you know,

trying to eat healthier, smoke less.

Oh. Same.

Whatever, lesbians.

There you go.

Ah, dope kicks.

I like the way I feel in them.

They're dope kicks.

When I want to let it out...

...sometimes I go swimming,

see how long I can hold my breath.

One time, I blacked out.

Good thing there was a lifeguard on duty.

Or sometimes, I'll, uh,

blow really hard into a harmonica.

That's really good.

When I was Will's age, I'd go skating.

Skate it off.

Well, you're pretty good at it.

Yeah.

I'm no Olympian... yet.

Oh. Well, I don't think...

you want to tour meth country in an ice show.

No, but I don't like that he can make another me.

I like to feel necessary.

There's a really great quote

from the Y-Yajurveda.

It's a Hindu text. It'll solve all your problems.

It says...

"Punch your fucking father in the face."

Do you know how many people I've punched in the face

ever since I stopped caring about going to jail?

Three, including my oncologist.

- Mm-hmm. - Wow.

Six dollars for a slice of pizza?

That's, like, a $30 meal.

Who comes in here that can afford that?

My boss says global warming

iced out the tomato crops this year, so...

- Can you hang on a sec? - Can you just please

stop yelling at me?

Excuse me.

Whatever anybody wants

for the rest of the day is free.

Like, start a tab?

I don't... don't think I'm allowed to do that.

Sure you can.

Give this to yourself.

It feels wonderful.

Thank you, Mr. Pickles.

- Thanks, dude. - Thanks, Mr. Pickles.

Saving the world.

Nah...

feeding it.

I asked my parents to come up for a week after my next round.

They said it was too cold.

They live in Jersey.

Well...

this is a difficult time for them, too.

They're afraid to know a world without you.

No, they're upset that I went

with the recommendations of my doctors

and not something that my dad found on WebMD.

Sorry, your card's been declined.

I-it keeps giving me the code you get

when they place a hold on it due to suspicious activity.

Will.

Do you take Discover?

May I enter the residence?

Yeah, just wipe your feet.

Hi. You've reached Jill and Will.

And sometimes Peter.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Have you been using my debit card?

I don't think so.

You haven't used it to buy anything online

or anything like that?

No.

I promise.

A plumber was applying for a job in a building.

The building manager said, "Are you a good plumber?"

And the plumber said, "Yes, I'm the best plumber."

The building manager asked...

"Have you ever made a mistake?"

And the plumber said, "Never."

"Then how can I hire you?"...

...the manager replied.

"If you make a mistake, you won't know how to fix it."

That doesn't make any sense.

Why would the plumber need to know how to fix a mistake

if his whole thing is that he never makes them?

- Everybody makes mistakes. - Oh, so the plumber was lying?

That's not what I'm saying.

Well, if he isn't lying, then it seems pretty unfair

that he's getting passed up for a worse plumber

just because the manager has a fetish for fuckups.

- Will! - I didn't use your debit card.

Our words have power.

- If you're not careful... - Shut up!

Stop talking! Stop with the lessons!

We get it! You always know what to say!

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I don't want you to talk.

I want you to listen.

I'm your dad.

I'm always listening.

Doesn't matter.

Poppy already sat me down

and told me everything you're probably gonna say any...

He what? When?

Yesterday, and it took him about five words

to say what takes you 100.

He's not me.

Peter's not me.

Tara Lipinski's not me.

Whatever.

Please don't send Poppy to kidnap me.

He's old, and he scares my friends.

I need to talk to him.

God damn it.

Hey, did you accidentally

text me a bunch of Js this morning?

You know, I'm always on your side,

no matter what, and I just...

I can't wait to meet Vivian. She seems really cool.

And, you know, they're always curing new stuff.

Do you think I have a heart?

Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!

Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!

Hi, I'm Jeff.

Hello, this is Citibank,

early fraud detection department.

A suspicious transaction in the amount

of $678.43

was charged to Bartleby's Shoes

on Sunday, October 14th.

Please press one to confirm you made this transaction.

On your way to archery, retard?

I know a place where we can light up.

- I thought you quit. - Whatever.

- Whose house is this? - Yeah.

My new invisible neighbor.

- It's empty? - Yeah.

No one moved in. It's just sitting here.

Et voilà.