Original subtitles

Previously on Kidding...

- Hi, everybody. - We call it a tiger stripe.

We glue it in.

How's that look, Mr. P.?

Give me your phone. If we're gonna hang out later,

I should put my number in it.

Saw you guys drive up.

Maddy, piano time!

I'll take her!

Did you hand-fuck my husband?

- This is the car... - President

- of the United States... - 2013!

There are more victims of...

- Crime reportedly... - My doctor told me...

- Chop foods like a pro... - To look out for them.

To the left field...

Saying things like "It's amazing"...

Thomas pulled up and...

Part of you that no one can see.

But you know it's there,

and I do, too.

That's the part that no one can take away,

because that's the part of you that's really you.

Here it comes! Tits or bush?

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

I'm leaving!

- When are you back? - Tomorrow.

- I love you. - Love you, Lunch Bug.

Later, Crazy Face!

Remember, if you get sick of clarinet,

you can always switch back to piano.

Love you guys.

Are you and Dad getting divorced?

No. Why would you ask me that?

Every pain needs a name.

Shh.

Can you all hear that?

Sounds like someone's knock-knock-knocking

on the door of my old cardiac condo.

Whoa!

Hey, there, Thump-Thump.

What's that?

There's a thunderstorm in my aorta?

Hm. That doesn't sound right.

Let's take a closer look.

Oh!

Ah.

Hm.

No.

I don't see any thunderstorms,

but there is a name for this pain.

Did you just see that?

- What? - He just ripped Thump-Thump

out of his chest.

Every pain needs a name.

What do we think this one is called?

If you ask a child how they're feeling,

they'll say,

"There's a bowling ball in my chest

where my heart used to be."

It's terrifying for kids to have a feeling

and not be able to describe it.

Now, instead of a bowling ball,

they'll know it's heartache.

Ah, you're in pain. I get it.

And pain can have a name.

Jill, Peter... Phil.

But the remedy can have a name, too.

Priscilla, Holly, Daisy.

Hm.

Box of Kleenex and a cold left hand.

This is the drawer of letters from women

who often describe incredible things

in incredible detail.

Uh, I think Thump-Thump's broken.

Thank you, Doctor.

"Dear Mr. Pickles,

What a rare, sublime kindness

you bestow upon the world.

Attached, please find a photograph

of my clitoris."

I think it might be upside-down.

There are short women, there are tall women,

- Mm. - Some subtle,

some have a kosher dill

knuckle-deep inside their hoo-has.

This one's from Akron.

You know, it's only two hours away.

Give her a call. Buy her some cheesecake.

- Married. - Jill's met a new friend,

who she's fucking.

Now, why can't you meet a new fuck-friend?

I'm sorry, I'm not... I can't think this way.

Uh, monsieur

attend, attend.

Let us have a conversation

about friendship, huh?

Let us parlez about the value of friends...

Oh, fuck this.

Jeff, they're not all looking for sex.

Most of them would just like to meet you.

Derrell and I would like to dive deep

and curate you a top ten.

I don't like the idea of being out on a date.

People staring at me, wondering,

"Did he not make a covenant with his spouse?"

No, no, no. Stop that.

No one would see you eating with another adult

and think you're out on a date.

I'd be a... a man, out with a woman.

No, you'd be Mr. Pickles out with a woman.

The general populace doesn't see you

as a sexual being.

We see eyes,

we see ears, we see a nose,

but there's nothing between the legs.

We see Mr. Potato Head. No one sees a man.

Thanks, Dad,

but I am a man.

I am.

Just a different kind.

There are three kinds of matters:

solid matters,

liquid matters, gas matters.

Lemonade is a liquid matter.

Lemons... are a solid matter.

Zyklon B is a gas matter.

Shut up.

What Maddy's experiencing

is something akin to her Moro reflex.

You remember what that is, from baby days?

No.

Just for giggles, let's pretend

that the enthusiasm for my pregnancy was, um,

- muted? - Well...

We're talking about something that's totally normal

for three-month-olds.

Basically, it's evolution's way

of giving infants a reflex

to cling to Mom in case they're falling.

That's why the hands go up.

But she's eight.

Right.

Kids also just regress

when there's been a trauma.

Has there been a trauma of some kind?

Happy pedicure day, everybody.

Hi, Mrs. Steinman. How are you?

Does Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly

like the color on my toes?

Yes-zzzz, he loves-zzz the color of your toes-zzz.

It reminds me of jelly beans-zzz.

And jelly beans-zzz are my favorite food.

Have you seen Jill?

Is that the nurse who's married to the anesthesiologist?

I don't think they're married.

They're dating, but it's noncommittal.

Whatever. They're doing a scene

from Gray's Anatomy in the break room right now.

What happens on Gray's Anatomy?

Everyone fucks each other shapeless.

Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word.

They are carnally entwined

at the moment.

I don't think I like that show.

I heard your friend's planning a trip

to Hershey Park this weekend.

They have a chocolate log flume there

that, if you squint, looks like a gushing asshole.

It's very romantic.

Ohh...

Come on. This is where you say

"Sy loves gushing assholes."

Sorry. Are you okay?

Want to give him something to say?

I don't want to touch a puppet.

It can help.

Everything you love, he loves.

You already have so much in common.

In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.

Go help someone who matters.

So you don't matter anymore?

No.

Then why are you getting a pedicure?

Hi, you've reached Rex. Sorry I've missed you.

Please leave a message.

Shitheads in a bucket!

I'm surprised you went all night and didn't feel it.

- Feel what? - At your feet. Look.

It's a magic suitcase,

filled with wonder and illusion.

It's a wand, a cool top hat,

mysterious red dice,

and a plastic dove.

Flattens into a pancake

so you can hide it up your nose.

Could I just have some cash

or like a normal allowance?

You know what you need? A hobby.

And you need new friends to share the hobby with,

like the magic shows you used to put on with your brother.

What's wrong with my friends?

You're too young to have friends that lost.

They're what Nancy called the troubled people.

- Who? - Fancy Nancy,

President Reagan's wife.

"Just say no."

Tried to solve America's crack problem.

Your brother put peanut butter in her shoes.

Yeah, now I remember her.

I don't know what's funny about that.

She almost fell off an escalator.

I remember, you spoke at her funeral,

- in California. - Yeah, it was a good trip.

Yeah, yeah, it was.

Could we go back to California?

Why, because cannabis is legal there?

No, Dad, I'm not America's crack problem.

Okay, but you're my crack problem,

and I love you.

Thanks for the magic kit.

Cool wand.

Hey, is your mom going to Hershey Park

this weekend?

Mm...

No, I don't think so.

She just got back.

Oh.

Fun there.

Will, is that you?

Uh...

It's the part of you that no one can see,

but you know it's there,

and I do, too.

That's the part of you that no one can take away,

because that's the part of you that's really you.

You see, the stuff I like about you

isn't the stuff on the outside,

say your hat or your shiny new shoes

or even the friends you keep.

What I like about you is the other stuff.

The inside stuff.

The stuff that you might not think is that important.

Might even be the stuff you don't like all that much.

Things you feel a little embarrassed about, maybe,

like the way you cry when you make a mistake,

'cause you get so dang tired

of making the same mistakes,

or the part of you that wants to scream and scream

when your mom tells you to go to bed

and it's way too early for anyone to go to bed.

I like the parts of you that you don't like

and you should, too.

There's a spark of greatness...

Blow out the candles!

Inside each and every one of us:

in you, in me,

inside every one of us,

there's this lovely light,

and I see it when you smile at someone,

because smiles are a little gift

we give each other.

That's the most beautiful part of yourself.

Hey, you!

I like to call it grace,

and grace...

Be good!

Bye!

I took away all the stuff that wasn't me:

the moustache of cocaine,

the compulsion to sell my body to drug dealers

in order to procure said cocaine,

the petty wants,

and there I was.

The total absence of myself was myself.

So what's it look like from atop the Matterhorn?

You know, it's lonely.

It's really lonely. But... but not...

- not, like, bad lonely. - Mr. Pickles!

Like, I'm alone,

but with my best friend.

Uh, I like to, uh...

I like to imagine I'm somebody else.

I do that a lot.

I watch action movies, picture myself in them.

It's fun to imagine yourself as your opposite.

Or someone new, anyway.

You know, your... your brain has all these grooves, right?

- Mm-hmm. - And they're there because

you made them with your thoughts,

but if you stop thinking those thoughts

and start thinking new thoughts,

- then you get new grooves. - Mm.

It's called neuroplasticity.

That's a fun word to say.

Neuroplasticity.

Makes your mouth into a bouncy house.

Neuroplasticity. Yeah, it kind of does.

Oh.

- Sorry. - All good.

_

What did the Secret Chef hide in your meal?

- I got green beans. - Okra.

- Mm. - Ah.

Daikon. What the hell is daikon?

Are you just gonna stand there,

or can I finally teach you to cook?

You need to go easier on Jeff.

He's not like you. He feels everything.

You want to have this talk now? Okay,

because I worry, too. I worry a lot.

Aah!

What's wrong with Maddy?

She's got a case of the screams.

Just ignore her.

Shut up!

Here.

Press play.

Maestro Fermata buries

his choir of pulsing dicks

deep inside Secret Chef's sister.

From inside her, they whisper...

♪ Today's hidden ingredient ♪

Ecstasy!

His name is Josip Butkovic.

He's some Croatian voice actor.

He does lots of puppet-based erotica.

It's a niche market, but he's cornered it.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

It's not just Josip.

Turns out there are dozens of other guys out there

who do a perfect Jeff.

Jeff is the perfect Jeff.

Look.

Ever since Phil passed away,

I have been preparing for a day

when we might lose Jeff, too,

when we have to continue Mr. Pickles' Puppet Time

without Mr. Pickles.

You're giving up on him.

- We're gonna animate him. - Mm.

It's the only way, and you know it.

I don't want to,

and we don't have to start there,

but Dee Dee, listen to me. Think about it.

He'll do whatever we need him to do.

He'll say whatever we need him to say.

A Jeff that doesn't shave his head,

a Jeff that doesn't change,

a Jeff that never dies.

Infinite Jeff.

What the fuck are you talking about?

This show is all he has.

You take it away from him, he's gonna...

strap C-4 onto his belt and blow up an IHOP.

Jeff's not coming back.

He's already gone.

He died in a car

he wasn't even in.

This is what's best for him.

God sacrificed his only begotten son,

but they got the Bible out of it,

and that thing has been a Times bestseller

since 1624.

Jeff would want his gospel to continue without him.

He'd want his show to continue without him.

He's still here.

What do you think he's gonna do when he's a cartoon

sandwiched between Spongebob Dickpants

and Dickbob Spongepants?

We are losing control of him.

We need versions of him we can control,

like the doll.

What doll?

Maddy,

do you like talking dolls?

ToyCo has been begging us

for a talking Jeff doll

ever since molest-me Elmo.

This year, we're finally gonna give it to them.

We're talking the hottest Christmas gift of the season.

Introduce the shanks to the casserole.

Introduce the shanks to the casserole.

When Jeff sees how much the kids love the talking doll,

he won't even remember how pissed he got

at the Ice Capades.

Don't do an Ice Capades.

Pickles On Ice!

Starring Tara Lipinski

as Jeff Pickles... on ice.

The figure skater?

Correct.

We do a live show,

we dress Tara up as Jeff,

with a big Mr. Pickles head

and a cute fuzzy tie.

It's a doll, but it's big.

Or, we...

rent a canoe and take Jeff fishing.

He likes lakes.

You're gonna break him.

He's gonna break us.

That's why we have to train the market.

Ice Pickles, the doll,

the cartoon...

the seamless vertical integration

of a man we both love.

Please, Dee Dee.

Build me this other Jeff.

Don't ask me to do that.

Honey,

if not you, who?

What do I do about her?

Dee Dee, take it from me.

Sometimes all your kids need is a hug.

Voila.

No, dude, like this.

I don't get why we're doing this.

Yo, curb the negativity, man.

Negativity leads to intestinal failure.

Hey, dude, be real with me for a sec.

Is it true your dad was a sniper during the wars?

I don't think so.

'Cause the Internet says

that he aced, like, three dozen hajis.

Reagan called him "the Butcher of Beirut"

and gave him a secret medal.

I mean, check it out.

I think I would know if my dad

killed a bunch of Lebanese people.

Would you?

Hey, let's get these.

Do you think your dad's gonna kill

your mom's new boyfriend?

No.

That wouldn't be nice.

My dad's a lot of things, but he isn't rude.

Yeah, murder is rude.

Yeah.

So, is... he a dick?

- Who, Peter? - Yeah.

No, he's pretty cool.

When he looks at me,

it's... it's weird.

It's like...

he... he actually sees me.

As opposed to...

My brother.

Everyone else... my mom, my dad,

my teachers... they look at me,

and I think they see both of us.

Sometimes it's nice not to feel like the living dead.

What about the other times?

Phil used to do all this

messed-up stuff to other kids,

and then they would come and beat me up.

- They thought I was him. - That's unfortunate.

I sorta miss it.

Let's go, lesbians.

We have eight more neighborhoods to hit.

He thinks I look like a girl.

I like your hair.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

If you cut it, I'll never talk to you again.

Maddy. Maddy!

Maddy, we're not getting divorced!

I don't know why you think that,

but we're not.

Okay?

Okay.

And that thing you saw your dad do,

the secret handshake with Mr. Farpopolis?

Don't ask him about it.

Ever.

Never.

See?

Neuroplasticity.

What an exciting crossword diagonal that would make.

I had a really nice time tonight.

It's always a privilege to meet a new friend,

and it's a special privilege when that new friend

is a remarkable person.

- So do you want to come up... - How did you ever...

Sorry, sorry. You go.

You used to have a moustache made of narcotics.

But you replaced it with a beautiful smile.

I'd love to go on a journey like that.

I don't know how to start.

Where'd you get your strength from?

Oh...

Sorry, I thought that was obvious.

You.

Me.

Mm-hm.

So... do you want to come up?

No, I'd better get back.

Oh.

Okay.

Thank you, Shaina.

Oh. Thank you.

You saved me.

Pfff...

No, we can't go in there.

We're having sex!

Oh, sorry. Have a lovely evening.

Dear Shaina,

thank you for dinner.

Even though I enjoyed our conversation,

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

"You saved me."

Those are words I've heard so many times over the years,

in so many different ways.

I used to like hearing those words,

but I don't anymore.

It's a lot of responsibility to save people.

Maybe learning what I don't want

is the first step on the climb

to learning what I do.

Thank you for teaching me that.

See you at the summit.

Fondly, Mr. P.

No.

Jeff.

Hey, does your place have, like, water?

Ohh...

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Alcohol can be so dehydrating.

Here you are.

Why are you inside a space otter?

Can I have a space otter?

Whoop!

My hands are sticky.

Oh, here, let me help you.

Thank you.

How did I get in here?

I carried you.

Oh, yeah.

You rescued me.

Okay.

I-I need to say this now,

because tomorrow, it'll feel embarrassing.

But...

just living on your same hallway

is, like, so inspiring.

Like, you make me want to be a better person

like the kind of person my mom thinks I am.

What's embarrassing about that?

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Here, uh,

drink your water,

and I'll be in the kitchen,

and, uh, if you need more,

just... say "more."

More.

Good night.

Aren't you tired of always doing the right thing?

Oh, am I hurting you?

No.

- You sure? - Yeah.

_

Abracadabra.

I just see you.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Little bit of harmony now.