Original subtitles

Previously on Kidding...

I want do a show about death.

I don't think you're ready to talk about that.

What are you doing here?

She did not leave you because Phil died.

She left you because you're a pussy.

Do you think I should get an apartment

closer to the house?

P-Hound.

- What does the P stand for? - Yeah.

Jeff needs to heal. Mr. Pickles is fine.

So what do you think?

It's perfect.

Es Uke-Larry...

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Did you ever feel like there's nothing to do?

Well,

that's how Ennui Le Triste is feeling right now.

Let's take a trip to Pickle Barrel Falls

and see if we can help.

See you at the bottom.

Whoa.

Bonjour, Ennui!

Crusty, as usual.

Bored, bored, bored!

- Everything that I... - They're gonna laugh at me.

I've already done before.

Well, if they laugh at you...

they're gonna get a real kick out of me.

I'm sure we can think of something.

I mean, just think of all the toys you have at home.

How did you get out of the television?

Actually, the hard part isn't getting out.

It's getting back in.

You want to touch my head?

Dare you.

Eww, creepy!

Can I touch yours?

Let me see yours.

Oh, dude, that's so cool!

You got a fade going.

That's really neat.

That's my best friend in the whole world

in the doorway.

Does she look excited to see me?

No.

Hey.

I don't want you to be nervous,

but tomorrow, there's gonna be a lot of Jell-O.

I hope you can handle it.

Mom,

I think Mr. Pickles has brain cancer too.

Who's the man in your life that isn't me?

What happened to your hair?

How long have you been seeing him?

We've been together a couple months.

- It's casual. - I think Will should stay

at my house one more night a week.

I think one night a week is working.

I want healthy decisions for us, not casual ones.

It's very soon to let a man into our home,

into Phil's home... Will's home. Sheesh.

Actually, it's good that you're here,

to have a conversation about setting boundaries.

You mean distance?

I found out what the P in P-Hound stands for.

Now every time I see the letter P,

I think of the word "pussy," and it haunts my head.

I used to call Phil "my little P-nugget,"

and now I hear "pussy-nugget,"

and I can't call him that in my daydreams anymore.

You can set boundaries too.

Like our shared checking account.

I'm gonna ask you if I can buy a new car,

- and you can say no. - Why do you need a new car?

I'd like to not drive the same model minivan

the insurance company coughed up,

and I'm done pretending that there isn't money

to spend on myself.

You should get whatever

makes you and Will comfortable.

Thanks. Thank you.

Maybe I'll come over later,

meet your new guy.

I'll make one of those sour cream-blueberry pies

that I make that you like.

- No! - Anyway...

Good luck with all your new decisions.

Did you really shave your head for that kid?

No, silly.

Is there a way to tell if, you know, somebody's gay?

- Course you can. - How?

You just ask them. I mean,

I would say hello first.

Yeah. Turn them upside down.

If they curl up into a ball, they're gay.

Hi, everybody.

Fuck.

What... what's happening?

I'm confused.

W-where were you that there were so many bees?

Can you give us a second, Derrell?

Oh, my God.

What happened to your face?

What happened to yourself?

I thought we could make this a season

about things that are missing, like hair.

Oh.

We can impart the idea that

change is a good thing. It's okay.

Who we are is so much greater

than what happens to us.

And for the last show,

we take the death episode off the shelf,

and we air it,

and we say, "This happened!

And I'm still me."

You look like you are about to climb a Texas tower

- and shoot people. - Don't say that.

You look like Lee Harvey Oswald's

creative younger brother.

You look like Shooty the Clown.

I am the Pope in a Speedo.

I am the Oreo cookie without its creamy center,

but if you dip me in milk,

I'm still a mouthful of yummy.

The affiliate stations air us out of order.

Don't you think it's gonna be just a little confusing

for the children when one day, Jeff Pickles has hair,

and the next day, he's paved a sidewalk

down the center of his head?

I don't care.

They can air it out of order.

PBS is gonna get the impression

that you are mentally unfortified.

Please, don't put me in this position

with the network.

They're gonna shelve us for six weeks

while your hair grows back.

Think of all the people you'll put out of work.

We call it a Tiger Stripe.

Ah.

Where does it come from?

Russian women with very few opportunities.

How's that look, Mr. P.?

Really wish you wouldn't call me that.

Just Jeff. Jeff is fine.

Don't go anywhere, Jeff.

We're strong men.

We keep the struggle inside.

You had an off day.

When Amika's done, no one will be able to see you're slipping.

That's a secret I'll keep between us.

I bought the house next to Jill's.

And why would you do that?

They need me,

even if they don't know they need me.

Jill has a black hole inside her.

It's swallowing her sunshine.

She's trying to fill it with red wine and penises,

and Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician.

He has no one to open up to.

No healthy friends.

If he doesn't have me to share his inner life with,

his imagination could die.

Did you tell them you did this?

I'm sure it'll be odd at first,

but when I show up, knock on the door,

with my blueberry-sour cream pie,

and I say, "Hey, friends.

I'm your new neighbor,"

we'll find our footing.

And you don't think they'll

see all that as just...

a little bit aggressive?

I saw Jill hugging another man,

or he was hugging her.

You mean fucking.

No. Regular hugging.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is it serious?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

How could it be?

_

Mr. Piccirillo, you forgot the extra credit.

I don't think freshmen are allowed off-campus lunch.

I told you, I got you.

Get in.

All right.

Smoke up.

My brother grew this in his laundry room.

Hey, give me your phone.

If we're gonna hang out later,

I should put my number in it.

Dude, is that really your phone?

You should see our answering machine.

Has two little tapes in it.

Uh... William?

_

What did the Secret Chef hide in your dessert?

I had rutabagas in my brownies.

I thought they were chocolate chips, but...

I was pleasantly deceived.

If Jill finds out you bought the house next to her,

she'll move, and she'll never talk to you again,

and she'll take Will and leave.

I don't know how to love from a distance.

Jeffy.

I forgot to do a crust.

Ooh! Shh.

"From 'pusillanimous,'

showing a lack of courage or determination."

♪ What do you do, what do you do ♪

♪ What do you do ♪

♪ What do you do, what do you do ♪

♪ What do you do ♪

Maddy, piano time!

I'll take her.

Want me to stop, Mr. Farpopolis?

No. Keep going, Chuckie.

Yeah, sorry. I know I'm early.

I-I was hoping you and I could go somewhere

- and talk for a second. - No vocals, Chuckie.

Sorry, Mr. Farpopolis.

He's always adding vocals. I can take her, Deirdre.

- Oh, I... - Come in.

Just... can we, uh...

Chuckie!

Okay, never mind. It's nothing.

Have fun... eh, learn.

Aren't you coming, Mom?

Inside?

Daddy always waits upstairs.

Oh, he does? Oh.

- For the whole lesson? - Yeah, they both do.

Daddy's always yelling,

"Play louder, so Daddy can hear you."

Oh, huh.

♪ Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪

No vocals, Maddy.

Did you hand-fuck my husband?

So what's your second favorite instrument?

♪ What do you do, what do you do ♪

♪ What do you do ♪

Maestro Pimento Fermata

and the Pickle Nickel Choir.

♪ When it's time to make a choice ♪

♪ Make the choice, make the choice ♪

♪ When you haven't got a clue ♪

- ♪ What do you do? ♪ - ♪ What do you do? ♪

♪ You only need to listen to the voice that's true ♪

- ♪ The voice that's true? ♪ - ♪ That little voice ♪

♪ That's deep inside of you, hear the voice ♪

♪ Make the choice, make the choice ♪

♪ It'll say anything it wants and it will never go away ♪

♪ And the harder you ignore it then the more it has to say ♪

♪ You'll hear it get louder, louder, louder ♪

♪ Louder, louder, louder, louder every day ♪

♪ The voice is here to stay ♪

♪ Mamma Mia ♪

We're in the middle of a meal.

It's opulent.

It's red.

Red is such a look-at-me color.

It's the safest car on the market.

Hm. You know,

if Will stayed over at my house one more night a week,

I wouldn't have to be dropping by all the time.

I'll think about it.

Tell me one thing about him.

His name is Peter.

Hm?

He's an anesthesiologist.

Mm.

I guess that's...

As long as he doesn't start bringing his work

home with him. A lot of them do that.

Tell me another thing.

It looks good.

I don't think anyone will know but me.

I had a pie.

Come on.

Who are you?

- Jeff... - Could you be more specific?

A family lives in this house.

That wasn't a... question.

Maybe let's stick to the basics.

- Mm. - Is that pie on your shoe?

Well, I don't want him to feel like

he can't ask me things.

Have you been married before, Peter?

Jeff, let him eat.

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.

Had a wife, couldn't keep her.

Right? Isn't that how it goes?

Put her in a pumpkin shell,

and there he kept her very well.

The man in that poem is not a candidate for glory.

It's a rhyme about abuse.

Mm. I didn't know the rest of it.

Had another, didn't love her.

That's the next line.

No, I don't think that...

How is that a bedtime story?

King John

had a friend he didn't like,

and so he took that man's wife

and he sealed her in a room with bricks

until she starved to death.

In some versions, mice eat the woman,

but that's neither here nor there.

My mother used to read that to me.

Now I question her motives.

Early childhood neglect

can lead to dysfunctional adult relationships.

Are your parents still together,

like Jill and I?

Will, you're gonna... spend an extra night a week

- with your dad. - Oh.

That's a good thing.

Hey.

How long have you been sucking

on those coffin nails?

Yeah, actually, I've been

meaning to quit.

You ever had a vice or a guilty pleasure?

Not like smoking, or adultery,

or skulduggery,

but... I have been known to...

take a sip or two of chocolate syrup,

straight out of the bottle.

Uh...

Your vice is drinking Hershey's chocolate syrup?

No.

Never have a coupon for Hershey's.

Yeah, but I mean...

You can afford name-brand syrup.

I can afford a lot of things,

but I only spend what I need,

and the rest goes to people who need it more.

Yeah. Totally. No, every month,

I give $15 to NPR.

They sent me an apron that says "NPR Apron."

I like the name Peter.

It's a good name.

You know what?

I'm gonna call you Big P.

Would that be okay?

Are you kidding me? Oh...

Jeff Pickles just gave me a nickname.

Oh, God. I feel like...

Elvis just gave me a sequin. What can I call you?

Jeff Pickles.

Oh, sorry. I thought you had left.

Good night, Will.

Good night, Big P.

Can I ask you something?

Oh, yeah, man. What's up?

What kind of mouthwash do girls like?

What?

Are... are you...

I love you.

Oh, no!

Astron-Otter?

What's wrong?

You're frustrated? About what?

Oh, she's frustrated

because her rocket ship keeps falling over.

I think her bam-boosters are misfiring.

You know what I do when I'm frustrated?

I take a calm-me-down breath.

I think maybe she needs another calm...

All right, stop.

Why do you keep doing that?

- Stop. - Stop what?

You keep calling Astron-Otter a she.

Last time I checked, he was a he-otter.

He was a he. Now she's a she.

He's been a he for 20 years.

You don't just wake up one day and call him a she.

It happens every day.

It's happening to children all over the world.

It's called gender fluidity.

What? No.

He's a he.

Astron-Otter's Lunar Lander Power Wheel.

- Hmm. - Astron-Otter's Moon

Rock Space Fortress.

Astron-Otter's My First Boxer Briefs

with stain guard.

He's a seven-figure line item marketed to boys.

She has no discernible genitalia.

I should fucking hope not.

What an important thing to impart,

that Astron-Otter could change overnight

and still be the same otter.

It's not a terrible idea.

Nobody asked you, Sheryl.

Astron-Otter is a boy.

Astron-Otter is a lie.

Let's tread very carefully here, Jeff.

That's an expensive vagina you're adding.

That is a $4 million otter twat.

Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word.

These are not the decisions you make.

Astron-Otter is a male.

No, Dad.

She's not.

Maybe it's time for you to wake up

and smell the otter twat.

Sorry, Sheryl.

Sorry.

Oh, Jesus!

- Poppy, look what Mom got me. - Not now, honey.

What happened to your face?

I got ouchies, kid.

I got ouchies in places you don't want ouchies.

- Why do you look like that? - He made Astron-Otter

into a fucking hermaphrodite.

What's next, "Bi Little Pony"?

How long before he loses it

and this whole place burns down to the chimney?

Derrell!

Yeah.

Get me Tara Lipinski.

Hello?

I think I left my cookie platter here

from the open house, so I'm just gonna grab it.

Okay.

I got it.

_

Will!

We're finally getting new neighbors.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --