Original subtitles

* SEE YOU LATER TOMORROW'S CALLING *

* I'VE GOTTA RUN

* IT'S SO EXCITING A LITTLE SCARY *

* I WISH YOU COULD COME

* I WISH YOU COULD BABY, YOU COULD COME *

* THIS IS GONNA BE FUN THIS IS GONNA BE REAL *

* FROM MY FEET TO MY FINGERS I'M GONNA FEEL *

* I'M GONNA FEEL

* THIS IS GONNA BE REAL

* FUN

* THE CLOCK IS TICKING TELEPHONE'S RINGING *

* HOW TIME DOES FLY

* DON'T LOOK SO SAD

* DON'T LOOK SO LONELY

* THIS AIN'T GOOD-BYE

* I WISH YOU COULD BABY, YOU COULD COME *

* THIS IS GONNA BE FUN THIS IS GONNA BE REAL *

* FROM MY FEET TO MY FINGERS I'M GONNA FEEL *

* I'M GONNA FEEL

* THIS IS GONNA BE FUN THIS IS GONNA BE REAL *

* FROM MY FEET TO MY FINGERS I'M GONNA FEEL *

* I'M GONNA FEEL

* THIS IS GONNA BE REAL

* FUN *

[ Rolling Thunder ]

[ Man Reading ]

WELL, STOP HER!

[ Narrator, Italian Accent ] THIS IS MY SON.

MOST PEOPLE THOUGHT HE SOLD VACUUM CLEANERS DOOR-TO-DOOR.

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE WAS MORE TO THE STORY.

HEY, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, HUH? [ Grunts ]

[ Sirens Wailing ]

IDIOT! HUH?

[ Tires Screech ]

THIS IS A MISTAKE. THAT-- THAT WOMAN IS NOT BO DEREK!

THAT WAS CLOSE.

TOO CLOSE.

I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE AMERICAN EMBASSY! OW!

[ Man ] FABBRIZIO, IT'S TIME YOUR SON IS TOLD OF HIS DESTINY.

THIS IS NO LIFE FOR MY SON.

I WILL NEVER TELL HIM OF HIS TRUE DESTINY.

[ Echoing ] DESTINY. DESTINY. DESTINY. DESTINY.

[ Bicycle Bell Rings ]

[ Narrator ] FABBRIZIO DECIDED TO KEEP THE FAMILY LEGACY...

A SECRET FROM HIS SON.

THE BOY NEVER KNEW THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS URGE TO DISGUISE HIMSELF...

WITH ANYTHING HE COULD FIND.

PISTACHIO, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAKING FACES IN THE MIRROR...

WITH THE UNDERWEAR ON THE HEAD.

THAT WOULD BE CRAZY, PAPA.

[ Chuckles ] UNLESS, OF COURSE,

I HAD A SHAVING CREAM BEARD TO GO ALONG WITH IT.

[ Grandfather ] THIS IS MY GRANDSON PISTACHIO.

HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A LITTLE, UH, DIFFERENT.

OH!

FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, HE HAD IMPULSES HE COULD NOT CONTROL.

YOU SLAP ME, I SLAP YOU! [ Gasps ]

AS PISTACHIO GREW UP, HE COULDN'T HELP MIMICKING THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM.

ADD THE COPPER SULFATE.

[ Mocking ] ADD THE COPPER SULFATE.

ADD JUST A LITTLE BIT OF LUMINOL.

[ Mocking ] ADD JUST A LITTLE BIT OF LUMINOL.

[ Class Laughing ]

[ Grandfather ] BUT... HE ALWAYS HAD A HARD TIME FITTING IN.

[ Chuckles ] YOU THINK YOU GOT MUSCLES NOW?

TRY THIS.

OKAY.

[ Boy ] WHY DOES HE HAVE UNDERWEAR ON HIS HEAD?

[ Grandfather ] WHAT HE DIDN'T KNOW WAS THAT HIS TRUE ADVENTURE...

WAS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

[ Whimpers ]

THERE'S A YOUNG LADY OUT HERE TO SEE YOU.

FOR ME? AHA!

FANTASTICO!

YES! YES!

A YOUNG LADY!

HEY, AMICO!

THERE'S A GIRL WAITING FOR ME!

HEY, HEY, MAMA, I'M--

OH, OH, PISTACHIO.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR NICE YOUNG LADY FRIEND TO COME IN,

AND I'LL MAKE YOU CORNED BEEF RAVIOLI?

WHAT A GRAND IDEA, MAMA!

OH, MY SONNY-SON, HANDSOME SON.

GO, GO, GO. OH!

[ Barks ]

NATURALLY, PISTACHIO WANTED TO FIND A GIRL JUST LIKE MAMA.

* I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE

* WHOA-OH I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE *

AH, SOPHIA. WHAT AN UNEXPECTED SURPRISE, LOVE CAKE.

LOVE CAKE?

I SO ENJOYED MEETING YOU LAST EVENING.

YEAH, LISTEN, PISTACHIOS, I KNOW WE HAD SOME LAUGHS AT THE BAR LAST NIGHT,

YEAH. BUT YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.

BESIDES, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, SO DON'T CALL ME, OKAY?

I GOTTA GO.

YES.

SOMETHING ABOUT HER REMINDS ME OF MY MAMA.

OH, YES, SHE WILL BE A GREAT COOK!

EH, PAPA.

YES, I-I STRAIGHTEN.

I STRAIGHTEN THE MENU.

[ Screams ] I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY.

OH. EXCUSE, YOUNG MAN. I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE...

THAT YOU BECAME ACQUAINTED WITH THE SIDEWALK...

A MOMENT AGO.

I'M NOT A SPORTS KID.

PISTACHIO, WHY DON'T YOU DO ONE OF YOUR FUNNY VOICES AND CHEER THE KID UP?

WHAT AN EXCELLENT IDEA, BERNARDO. YES, YES.

I DO FOR YOU NOW A SCENE FROM THE HIT MOTION PICTURE SHREK.

YOU READY? OKAY. "WHY DON'T YOU GET AWAY FROM ME, DONKEY?"

"WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT, GET AWAY FROM YOU? I'M MAKIN' WAFFLES."

EH-- EH-- [ Dog Barks ]

OH, WHAT A CUTE LITTLE PUPPY.

OH, I SEE YOU LIKE MY DOG, YES.

HIS NAME IS THE CUTENESS.

I NEVER HAD A DOG.

WELL, PERHAPS YOUR PAPA WILL BUY YOU A DOG.

I NEVER HAD A DAD.

[ Stammers ]

PAPA DEFICIENT, YES.

YOU CAN PLAY WITH THE CUTENESS ANYTIME YOU WANT.

[ Giggles ]

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

MY NAME IS PISTACHIO DISGUISEY.

MY NAME'S BARNEY BAKER.

A PLEASURE, BARNEY BAKER.

AND NOW HUNGRY PATRONS. ARRIVEDERCI!

BUONA SERA, SIGNORE.

OH! [ Chuckles ]

YA-YA-YA-YA. [ Chuckles ]

* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA * [ Man Gasps ]

* [ Humming ] OH, YES.

HEY, MORON, USE A TRAY NEXT TIME. THOSE ARE TOO MANY PLATES.

AH, THE NEW WAITER, REX. [ Chuckles ]

SO CUTE IN YOUR INEXPERIENCE.

WATCH AND LEARN, MY FRIEND.

[ Gasping ]

OH, YES, YES. I-- YES, I CLEAN. I CLEAN.

GOOD-BYE, GOOEY SAUCE.

OH, YES. [ Mutters ]

CHEESE, YES. I GIVE YOU CHEESE.

YES, NICE CHEESE. YES, CHEESE.

YOU LIKE, HUH? OH, YES.

YES, I LIKE, I LIKE-- PAPA!

AND FINALLY WE HAVE FRESH, BOUNCING BABY SHRIMP.

I'LL JUST TAKE THE SPAGHETTI.

AND DO ME A FAVOR, BUDDY.

GET ME SOME MAN-SIZED MEATBALLS.

[ Echoing ] MEATBALLS. MEATBALLS. MEATBALLS.

AM I GOING TOO FAST FOR YA?

[ Imitating Accent ] AM I GOING TOO FAST FOR YA?

HUH? ARE YOU MOCKING MY HUSBAND?

ARE YOU MOCKING MY HUSBAND? 'CAUSE YOU BETTER NOT BE.

'CAUSE YOU BETTER NOT BE. [ Grunts ]

PISTACHIO, STOP IT. NO MOCKING.

PISTACHIO, STOP IT. NO MOCKING. NO, NO, NO.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LET THAT LITTLE NUT BALL

BE A WAITER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

LISTEN, YOU. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY SON,

THEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME.

YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. YOU AND YOU, GET OUT! [ Mumbling ]

PISTACHIO, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

YES, I KNOW, PAPA. I'M SORRY.

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. THE MOCKING'S GETTING WORSE.

NONSENSE.

SOMETIMES THERE'S SO MANY VOICES IN MY HEAD, I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

LISTEN TO ME. YOU ARE PISTACHIO DISGUISEY, AND YOU ARE A GREAT WAITER.

YES, THAT IS ONE OF THE VOICES,

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. NOT THE LOUDEST ONE, BUT--

NO, NO, YOU ARE MY SON, YOU UNDERSTAND?

AND I WILL ALWAYS BE PROUD OF YOU. EH?

[ Customers Chattering ] WE SHOULD'VE GONE TO BURGER KING.

PERHAPS MY DESTINY IS SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY.

NO, NO, NO, MY SON, YOUR DESTINY IS HERE, OKAY?

YES, DESTINY IS HERE.

BUT, PAPA, DON'T PREACH. I'M IN TROUBLE DEEP.

AND I'M KEEPING MY BABY.

EH, WHAT? WHAT?

[ Girl Giggling ]

[ Man Murmuring, Kissing ]

EXCUSE, WAITER REX. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR ARM AROUND THE CAKE?

AND, THE TUSH QUEEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE WITH THE OVERSIZED REX?

LOOK, PISTACHIOS, THE SILLY VOICES, THE MAKIN' FACES,

IT WAS FUN FOR, LIKE, ONE SECOND, OKAY?

ONLY ONE SECOND? I NEVER WANTED TO GO OUT WITH YOU.

I'M IN LOVE WITH REX, OKAY? YEAH. GOT IT?

I SEE. I CAN TAKE A HINT.

THE MESSAGE IS COMING THROUGH LOUD AND C-CLEAR.

[ Sighs ] I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK, BABY.

OKAY. GOOD-BYE, PISTACHIOS.

[ Grunts ]

* [ Humming ]

[ Vehicle Approaches, Tires Screech ]

HEY, GET IN THE CAR, HUH?

OH, MY LITTLE CANNOLI. YOU'LL MAKE MY PISTACHIO VERY HAPPY.

[ Gasps ] OH!

[ Men Struggling ] GET IN THE CAR NOW!

GET HIM IN THERE! [ Punches Landing ]

[ Man ] LET'S GO. [ Tires Screeching ]

[ Dog Barking ] RANSACKED!

HELLO, POLICE? IN MY HOME, IT IS FULL OF RANSACKERY.

EVERYTHING DIFFERENT. WHERE DO I--

MY NAME IS PISTACHIO. AND, OH, MAMA'S CANNOLI IS HERE.

[ Man On Phone ] DON'T CALL AGAIN. [ Dial Tone ]

MAMA! PAPA!

PLEASE, HEAVENLY FATHER, SHOW ME A SIGN.

I PROMISE I WILL NEVER MOCK YOU AGAIN.

MY FAMILY IS MISSING, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

* [ "Theme From The Exorcist" ] [ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Door Creaks ]

CAN I HELP YOU? I CAME TO HELP YOU, PISTACHIO.

HELP ME WHAT? FIND YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER, MY SON.

MY FATHER, YOUR SON.

HOLY CANNOLI, YOU ARE MY SISTER!

YOU DON'T HAVE A SISTER, YOU PEA BRAIN!

I AM YOUR GRANDFATHER. YES, THAT WAS MY NEXT CHOICE.

IT'S BEEN 23 YEARS. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I NEEDED THIS HELP?

THAT ANSWER AND MORE WILL BE REVEALED SHORTLY.

BUT FOR NOW, LET ME IN. I HUNGER!

SO, I COME DOWN FROM THE ROOFTOP,

AND THEN I COME HOME AND THERE'S NO MAMA,

NO PAPA, JUST RANSACKERY.

DID YOU ASK JEEVES? YES, BUT NO SUCH LUCK.

WHEN YOU WERE ON THE ROOF, DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED LIKE THIS?

YES, EXACTLY THAT,

BUT WITHOUT THE PAIN ON MY FACE.

WE HAVE A CLUE!

[ Stammers ]

GRANDPAPA?

OH. I'M SORRY. I'M LOOKING FOR MY GRANDFATHER.

GRANDFATHER NOT HERE. I'M SORRY.

[ Grandfather's Voice ] IT'S ME, YOU IDIOT!

AMAZING. YOU SOUND JUST LIKE GRANDFATHER.

FOOL! I AM YOUR GRANDFATHER.

[ Stammers ] WHAT-- WHAT-- I DON'T-- WHY--

OH! YES.

LATEX RUBBER.

YES, IT'S SO SOFT.

IT LIKE A SOFT, FAT BABY-BOTTOM FACE.

THIS IS NOTHING. I'M RUSTY.

WHEN I'M ON THE TOP OF MY GAME, MY DISGUISE IS SEAMLESS!

YES, YES, WITHOUT THE SEAMS.

AND THE PLACE IS SO INCREDIBLY CLEAN,

SO TIDY.

BRAVO, GRANDPA. [ Grunts ]

PUT A CLAMP ON YOUR PASTRY HOLE.

I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT.

YOU ARE A DISGUISEY.

YES, PISTACHIO DISGUISEY. I'M BEGGING YOU,

CURB YOUR YAMMERING SKULL CAVE.

NOW, THROUGHOUT HISTORY,

THE DISGUISEYS HAVE USED THEIR SKILLS AS MASTERS OF DISGUISE...

FOR THE BETTERMENT OF MANKIND.

[ Grandfather Narrating ] IN EUROPE, THEY USED THEIR POWER TO CATCH THIEVES.

NOW I'VE GOT IT. IT'S MINE.

[ Screams ] THE STATUE IS ALIVE!

THEY WERE AMONG THE WORLD'S FIRST ENVIRONMENTALISTS.

SORRY, GEORGE WASHINGTON. NO CHERRY TREE FOR YOU.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS SUCH A BORING SPEAKER...

THAT THE DISGUISEYS HAD TO HELP HIM GET ELECTED PRESIDENT.

[ Whistle ]

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I JUST NEED A DRINK OF WATER. [ Clears Throat ]

ROUGH CROWD. WHOO YEAH!

LET'S PARTY! HIT IT, BOYS!

* I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT *

VOTE FOR ME, WE'LL GET FUNKY THIS YEAR!

* YOU LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT *

* I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT *

WELL, THIS IS YOUR LEGACY, PISTACHIO.

THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE, AND YOU ARE ONE OF THEM.

BUT MY PAPA JUST RUNS A RESTAURANT.

YOUR FATHER WAS ONCE THE WORLD'S GREATEST MASTER OF DISGUISE.

BUT MY PAPA JUST RUNS A RESTAURANT.

THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO. ANY QUESTIONS?

YOUR PARENTS, DESPITE MY OBJECTIONS,

INSISTED ON KEEPING THE LEGACY A SECRET.

THAT IS WHY WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN IN OVER 20 YEARS.

BUT MY PAPA-- AH-HA.

HO.

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO FIND YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER.

YOU MEAN WE. WE FIND MY FATHER AND MY MOTHER.

IMPOSSIBLE. SORRY. BUT WHY?

THIS IS THE SACRED BOOK OF THE DISGUISEY WAY.

LIKE A BOY SCOUT HANDBOOK, RIGHT? [ Chuckles ]

YOU CANNOT COMPARE THIS BOOK TO ANYTHING ELSE KNOWN TO MAN.

HEY, IT'S A POP-UP.

"IF A FATHER AND MOTHER ARE MISSING,

"ONLY A SON WHO HAS BECOME A MASTER OF DISGUISE CAN SAVE THEM...

"WITHOUT ANY DIRECT HELP FROM THE GRANDFATHER."

THAT'S ONE SPECIFIC FARMER.

NOW I MUST FIND YOUR FATHER'S NEST.

UH, COME AGAIN? A NEST?

YES, IS THERE A PLACE YOUR FATHER GOES TO TO SPEND TIME BY HIMSELF...

THAT IS DARK, THAT IS SECRETIVE?

THE ATTIC IS DARK AND SECRETIVE.

SHOW ME... THIS ATTIC.

SO, GRANDPA, THIS IS THE ATTIC. YEAH.

[ Grandfather ] WELL, THIS IS A PRETTY ORDINARY ATTIC.

THERE'S NOTHING THAT A-- OH!

YES? WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT? [ Gasps ]

A MAGIC BALL. WHAT--

[ Horse Neighs ]

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Cymbals Clanging ]

[ Grandfather ] BEHOLD YOUR FATHER'S NEST.

HEAVENS TO BETSY! YES.

I KNEW HE WOULD KEEP ONE JUST IN CASE. JUST IN CASE.

NOW I CAN TEACH YOU TO BECOME A MASTER OF DISGUISE.

REALLY? I-I'M GOING TO BE A MASTER OF DISGUISE?

* I'M GOING TO BE A MASTER OF DISGUISE *

* I'M GOING TO BE A MASTER OF DISGUISE I'M GOING TO *

ENOUGH! YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER ARE IN GRAVE DANGER.

YOUR TRAINING BEGINS... NOW!

[ Chittering ]

[ Chittering ]

* LISTEN UP I GOT A STORY TO TELL *

* ABOUT THE DOPEST NEW HERO AND I KNOW HIM SO WELL *

* HE WAS A LITTLE WAITER WITH ITALIAN FOOD *

[ Pistachio ] THAT IS BRILLIANT. YOU ARE DISGUISED AS A FATTY.

* [ Rap Continues, Indistinct ]

WHAT IS HAPPENING? AH! I'M GETTING BIGGER!

I GOT SO FAT. PISTACHIO. PISTACHIO!

[ Pistachio Screaming ]

OH! AAH!

[ Bell Rings ]

* HE'S THE MASTER OF DISGUISE *

* HE'S THE MASTER OF DISGUISE *

[ Snoring ]

[ Screams ]

REMEMBER ME?

DEVLIN BOWMAN?

WE BOTH KNOW YOU WERE THE WOMAN THAT NIGHT IN PALERMO.

AND BECAUSE OF YOU, I SPENT 20 YEARS IN PRISON.

[ Beeps ] * [ Woman On TV Humming ]

[ Bowman ] THANKS TO A SPECIAL POTION IN THE CARAMEL CORN,

SHE THINKS SHE'S STILL AT HOME PREPARING DINNER.

BUT WE KNOW BETTER, DON'T WE? [ Watch Beeps ]

[ Screams ] MY GOODNESS! [ Whimpering ]

OKAY, OKAY, STOP! [ Beeps ]

* WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOUP TODAY *

YOU'RE RIGHT. I WAS BO DEREK THAT NIGHT IN PALERMO.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? I WANT YOU TO DROP YOUR PIZZA APRON,

BECOME A MASTER OF DISGUISE ONCE AGAIN...

AND HELP ME OBTAIN THE WORLD'S RAREST TREASURES.

YOU'RE A SICK MAN, BOWMAN.

[ Laughs ]

[ Farts ]

OH, YEAH? THE TEETH HERE. YES.

GOOD. HERE AND HERE. YES.

THAT'S A MINIMAL ADHESIVE SPILLAGE. THAT'S NOT BAD.

YES, GOOD. NOW, NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DISGUISE MY VOICE, RIGHT?

[ Chuckles ] OPEN SESAME! OPEN SESAME!

* [ Playing ] STOP THAT!

BUFFOON. CLOWN. YOU LOOK LIKE A CHEAP MIMIC.

ANYONE CAN PUT ON A DISGUISE OR CHANGE HIS VOICE.

ANYBODY? BUT YOU SAID THAT WAS THE SECRET POWER OF THE DISGUISEYS.

NOT EXACTLY. IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEARN...

ABOUT THE INVISIBLE ENERGY FIELD...

THAT BONDS ALL DISGUISEYS, PAST AND PRESENT.

IT IS CALLED ENERGICO.

ENERGICO.

WHEN YOU LEARN TO TAP INTO ENERGICO,

YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ACCESS WORDS, SKILLS, IDEAS...

THAT YOU NEVER DREAMED WERE POSSIBLE.

YOU CAN THINK LIKE ANOTHER PERSON.

YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ACT LIKE ANOTHER PERSON.

TO FEEL LIKE ANOTHER PERSON. YOU WILL BECOME...

ANOTHER PERSON.

BECOME ANOTHER PERSON.

YES! BUT FIRST, YOU MUST REPEAT THE MANTRA.

"BECOME ANOTHER PERSON."

BECOME ANOTHER PERSON. NOTHING'S HAPPENING.

AGAIN! BECOME ANOTHER PERSON.

REPEAT! BECOME ANOTHER PERSON.

BECOME ANOTHER PERSON. BECOME ANOTHER PERSON.

GOOD. WHO ARE YOU NOW?

THE QUESTION IS NOT "WHO I AM?" THE QUESTION IS "WHO ARE YOU?"

I KNOW WHO I AM. I AM PRINCE LALI JHAMBA...

FROM THE RINGY DINGY HEIGHTS, NEAR BOMBAY, CALCUTTA...

AND NEW DELHI, INDIA, INDIA, INDIA, INDIA.

IT IS TIME TO TEST THAT.

WHAT IS IT? [ Hisses ]

OH, YEAH. THAT IS A BIG REPTILE.

NOT A PROBLEM.

* [ Saxophone Playing Easy-Listening ]

OH, YES, HE WOULDN'T HURT ANYBODY NOW.

I'M GOING TO CALL HIM BUTTERCUP.

OH, SO CUTE, EH? [ Hisses ]

[ Laughs ] TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE.

OH! [ Chitters ]

ENERGICO! GOD HELP ME, I LOVE IT!

[ Laughing ] DOWN, BOY. DOWN, BOY.

A COMPLETE TRANSFORMATION. GOOCHIE-GOOCHIE-GOO.

YEAH, YOU LIKE THE CHEESE. GO GET THE CHEESE, BUTTERCUP.

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT. OH!

NOW, PISTACHIO, SOMETIMES DURING YOUR TRAVELS,

YOU MAY BE REQUIRED TO DEFEND YOURSELF. YES.

NOW THE DISGUISEYS DO NOT BELIEVE IN HITTING WITH A CLOSED FIST.

YOU MUST ALWAYS HIT WITH AN OPEN HAND.

YOU MAKE YOUR POINT, BUT YOU GIVE THE MAN HIS DIGNITY.

DIGNITY. OBSERVE.

AH! EH? [ Laughs ]

ELBOWS IN, EXTEND. NOW YOU TRY IT.

ELBOW IN, EXTEND.

OKAY, SLAPPING DUMMY MAN.

THERE! WELL, I THINK I'VE GOT--

PISTACHIO, NO, NO. YOU MUST LEARN TO EMPTY YOUR MIND...

AND ALLOW ENERGICO TO FLOW THROUGH YOU.

YES, YES. WELL, IS THERE A MANTRA FOR THE HITTING PART?

NO, BUT IT IS DEMORALIZING TO YOUR OPPONENT...

TO REPEAT THE PHRASE "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" IN MID-SLAP.

OKAY. WATCH.

WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

HEY, GUYS, THANKS FOR LETTING ME BORROW THE CONSTITUTION.

ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'RE MICHAEL JOHNSON, THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE.

YEAH, WELL. YOU READY?

YES, SIR, MR. JOHNSON.

GO!

* [ "Theme From Chariots Of Fire" ]

THANKS, GUYS!

YOU SHOULD READ THIS, BOWMAN.

YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

I LOVE HAVING A MASTER OF DISGUISE DO MY BIDDING.

THAT'S IT! TUT-TUT-TUT. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?

MY MEN ARE READY TO POUNCE ON MY COMMAND.

NO MORE. PLEASE! STOP! ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

[ Bowman Laughing ]

[ Farts ]

* [ Whistling ]

OKAY, SO YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES? LET'S PLAY GAMES.

OOH! OOH! [ Laughs ]

WHO IS YOUR DADDY?

I'M YOUR DADDY. I'M YOUR DADDY.

I'M YOUR DADDY. I'M YOUR DADDY.

I'M YOUR DADDY. I'M YOUR DADDY.

I'M YOUR DADDY. I'M YOUR DADDY.

[ Dog Barking ]

HEY, LOOK IT. HUH?

[ Grandfather ] SHE COULD BE A GOOD WIFE FOR YOU.

[ Dogs Barking ]

WELL, AM I TRULY A MASTER OF DISGUISE NOW?

NOT EXACTLY.

YOU ARE A LEVEL-ONE APPRENTICE.

WHITE BELT. YES, YES, YES.

A LEVEL ONE. I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

HOW MANY LEVELS ARE THERE? SEVEN THOUSAND.

THAT'S MANY COLORED BELTS.

YES, YOU ARE A ROOKIE.

LISTEN. IT IS A DISGUISEY TRADITION...

AT THIS POINT IN TIME THAT WE HIRE YOU AN ASSISTANT.

AN ASSISTANT? YES, I'M GOING TO GET AN ASSISTANT.

WELL, I WAS EXECUTIVE SECRETARY FOR JENSEN AND LOEB.

GET OUT! I BEG YOUR PARDON?

OUT NOW!

GET OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? HISTORY!

WRONG! TAKE HER AWAY! GET OUT!

IDIOT, GET OUT! FREAK, GET OUT!

LEAVE! GET OUT! LEAVE! OUT! OUT!

FIFTY APPLICANTS, FIFTY LOSERS.

YES. PERHAPS MY DESTINY...

DOES NOT COME WITH AN ASSISTANT.

[ Barney Screams ] [ Crash ]

I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY.

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS JOB. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR.

GO HOME AND TELL YOUR MOMMY TO CHANGE YOUR DIAPER. GET OUT!

I DON'T WEAR A DIAPER. HEY, PISTACHIO, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS.

THERE'S A TALKING BABY HERE. I WANT TO SEE THE TALKING BABY.

GOOCHIE-GOOCHIE-GOO. BRAVE BARNEY BAKER, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

YOU KNOW THIS BABY? YES, OF COURSE.

I WAS POTTY-TRAINED WHEN I WAS TWO.

OF COURSE. YOU ARE THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POTTY TRAIN.

BARNEY, IS THIS THE PLACE?

HI. OH, I'M SORRY. I JUST CAME FROM A YOGA CLASS. I HOPE THAT'S OKAY.

GRANDPA, THIS IS BARNEY AND--

OH, I'M HIS MOM, JENNIFER. HI.

JENNIFER. A PLEASURE. YES. UM--

SWEETIE, UM, GO PRACTICE YOUR OLLIES, AND I'LL SEE YOU LATER, OKAY?

BYE. PLEASE. COME IN.

MEASUREMENTS. MEASUREMENTS? WHAT FOR?

IT'S FOR A UNIFORM. OH, OH, YEAH. OKAY.

IT'S 35-24-34.

[ Snickers ] A LITTLE BOTTOM. YOU SAID 34?

[ Men Laughing ] [ Squeaking ]

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M RIGHT FOR THIS. BARNEY TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE LOOKING, SO--

I'M SORRY. HE'S ONLY SEVEN. HE THINKS YOUR NAME IS PISTACHIO.

THAT IS MY NAME. OH. THAT'S NICE.

UM, SO OKAY, WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THE JOB?

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU GUYS DO?

I'M A MASTER OF DISGUISE. HE IS ALSO A MASTER OF DISGUISE.

YEAH, WELL, TECHNICALLY, HE'S A LEVEL-ONE APPRENTICE.

EXCUSE ME? I'M SORRY. MASTER OF DISGUISE? I DON'T GET IT.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THE WORD "MASTER" OR THE WORD "DISGUISE"?

OR THE WORD "OF"?

WELL, WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO DO?

WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO? EH, NOT SO FAST.

ANSWER ME THIS FIRST. DO YOU FOLD EASILY UNDER PRESSURE?

WHAT KIND OF PRESSURE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE KIND THAT MAKES YOU CRY OUT IN THE NIGHT LIKE A LITTLE BABY.

LIKE A LITTLE BABY IN ITS CRIB.

WHAT'S IT PAY? PAY? WHAT ABOUT BEING PAID IN HONOR, DIGNITY, PRIDE?

HONOR, DIGNITY, PRIDE. IN ITS CRIB.

ACTUALLY, I NEED CASH.

OH, THIS CAT HAS CLAWS.

ME LIKE IT. ME LIKE IT TOO.

[ Pistachio ] BUT THIS CAT'S GOT NO MAMA CABOOSE.

YOU GUYS KNOW I CAN HEAR YOU, RIGHT?

[ Speaking Italian ]

[ Sneezes ]

GOD BLESS YOU. IT PAYS $417 A WEEK, PLUS DELTA DENTAL.

I'LL TAKE IT. IT'S YOURS. BUT HEAR ME TRUE.

ASSISTANTS COMMONLY FALL IN LOVE WITH THEIR DISGUISEY MASTERS.

CAN YOU RESIST PISTACHIO?

YES, CAN YOU RESIST ME?

[ Chuckles ]

SO, LISTEN TO ME TRUE, PISTACHIO.

YOU ARE NOW A LEVEL-1.5 APPRENTICE.

BUT, MASTER, WITHOUT YOUR GUIDANCE,

HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT TO DISGUISE MYSELF AS?

YOU WILL HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR DISGUISEY INSTINCTS.

ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FOR YOURSELF: WHO? WHY? WHERE?

HOW WOULD THEY TAKE YOUR MOTHER, THE CUTENESS AND YOUR FATHER, MY SON?

YES, YES, YES. WHO, WHY, WHERE AND WHY. NO.

WRONG! WHO, WHY, WHERE AND HOW.

OH, YES. WHO, WHY, WHAT...

AND WHAT AND WHAT AND WHAT AND WHAT?

WRONG! WHO, WHY, WHERE, HOW!

YES, YES, YES. WHO, WHY, WHERE, HOW.

THAT'S IT. YOU GOT IT! YES. WHO, WHY, WHERE, HOW.

* I SAY WHO, WHY WHERE, HOW *

* I SAY WHO, WHY WHERE, HOW *

* I SAY WHO, WHY WHERE, HOW *

[ Grandfather ] YOU, EMPLOYEE.

MY GRANDSON IS STILL RAW. HE'S UNFOCUSED.

WHEN HE BECOMES ANOTHER PERSON, HE MAY BE UNPREDICTABLE.

ABOUT THE DENTAL. WHEN I GET STUFF DONE, WHEN BARNEY GETS STUFF DONE,

DO I PAY IT AND THEN YOU REIMBURSE ME,

OR DO I BILL DELTA DENTAL DIRECTLY?

I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW IT WORKS.

YOU SICKEN ME. OH!

I ALMOST FORGOT.

[ Grunts ] HERE IS YOUR NEST IN A BOX.

NEST IN A BOX?

YOU MAY NEED IT. IT COMES WITH INSTRUCTIONS.

OH, AND THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE.

THE DISGUISEY BALL OF KNOWLEDGE.

WHEN YOU ARE IN DIRE STRAITS...

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, THIS WILL COME IN HANDY.

I WON'T LET YOU DOWN, MASTER.

AH, I HOPE NOT.

THIS DISGUISEY THING SURE COMES WITH A LOT OF ACCOUTREMENTS.

SO LONG, MASTER!

BYE-BYE. ALL RIGHT, NOW.

WHERE TO BEGIN OUR SEARCH?

WELL, I GUESS WE COULD LOOK AROUND AT THE SPOT YOUR FATHER WAS TAKEN.

THAT'S YOUR IDEA? THAT'S IT? YEAH.

TO LOOK AROUND AT THE SPOT WHERE MY FATHER WAS TAKEN?

OH, THAT'S CRAZY.

SO CRAZY IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

YOU KNOW, THIS COULD BE SOMETHING.

[ Sighs ] [ Headgear Squeaks ]

PLEASE, ASSISTANT, DON'T PLAY IN THE TRASH...

WHILE I AM IN FULL FATHER-FINDING MODE, OKAY?

ALL I'M SAYING IS I DATED A GUY WHO USED TO SMOKE THESE.

THIS IS A HANDMADE CIGAR FROM THE TURTLE CLUB. LOOK AT THE LABEL.

YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES? I'LL PLAY GAMES WITH YOU.

THERE WE GO.

[ Headgear Squeaks ]

[ Jennifer's Voice ] ALL I'M SAYING IS I DATED A GUY WHO USED TO SMOKE THESE.

THIS IS A HANDMADE CIGAR FROM THE TURTLE CLUB.

EH, JENNIFER,

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT THING YOU ONCE SAID...

ABOUT THE GUY YOU USED TO DATE FROM THE TURTLE CLUB?

YEAH?

YES. WELL, MY DISGUISEY INSTINCTS ARE GOING CRAZY.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD PAY A VISIT TO THIS TURTLE CLUB.

WELL, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET IN THERE THOUGH. YOU HAVE TO BE A MEMBER.

[ Chuckles ] YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SOMETIMES.

WE WILL SEE WHAT IS IMPOSSIBLE, MY EVER-DOUBTFUL ASSISTANT.

NOW, QUICKLY, TO THE NEST!

YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN TO KEEP HARPING, BUT...

THE NAME "THE TURTLE CLUB," IT'S JUST A NAME.

I THINK YOU'RE TAKING IT A LITTLE BIT TOO LITERALLY. TURTLE.

MAY I HELP YOU? ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE TURTLE CLUB?

WELL, NOT EXACTLY. NOT EXACTLY.

BUT AM I NOT TURTLY ENOUGH FOR THE TURTLE CLUB?

IS HE OKAY? HE'S FINE.

HE'S FINE. TURTLE.

HE'S DREAMT OF THIS PLACE EVER SINCE HE WAS A CHILD. TURTLE.

[ Pistachio Trilling ] DO YOU THINK WE CAN GO IN FOR A MOMENT?

WE'LL BE OUT IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE? [ Sighs ]

ALL RIGHT.

[ Chuckles ]

TURTLE!

TURTLE. NOT TURTLE? IT'S OKAY. NO.

TURTLE? NOT TURTLE. NO.

HI. UM, COULD YOU TELL ME, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS? TURTLE!

SHH! I'D RECOGNIZE THAT LABEL ANYWHERE.

I MADE THAT CIGAR FOR THE PRIVATE COLLECTION OF DEVLIN BOWMAN.

OH, DEVLIN BOWMAN. TUR... TLE!

TURTLE. TURTLE. TURTLE. TURTLE. TURTLE!

EEE! UM--

IS HE OKAY? OH, HE'S FINE.

I'M FINE. TURTLE. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GIVE ME...

AN ADDRESS OR A PHONE NUMBER FOR MR. BOWMAN?

[ Smacks Lips ] ARE YOU CRAZY? I CAN'T GIVE YOU THAT INFORMATION.

OH, OKAY. NO INFORMATION.

HMM. WHAT IF HARM FOUND ITS WAY TO YOU?

TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE TURTLE HARM. WOULD THAT CHANGE YOUR MIND?

PERHAPS IT'S TIME TO GO INTO MY SHELL. TURTLE. NO. NO SHELL. NO.

SHELL TIME COMING. UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?

A NAME IS JUST FINE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

TERRIBLE HARM. THE KIND OF HARM THAT MAKES YOU CRY OUT...

IN THE NIGHT LIKE A LITTLE BABY. [ Trills ]

HEY, BABY, CAN I, UH, BUY YOU A DRINK?

AND MAYBE SOME POND WATER FOR YOUR FRIEND?

[ All Laughing ]

[ Laughs ] VERY FUNNY.

PISTACHIO: TURTLE! WHERE'D HE GO?

HUH? [ Spits ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Trilling ]

I DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY...

ABOUT WHAT WENT ON BACK THERE. I KNOW.

IT WAS LIKE A DREAM, BUT REAL.

I THINK I'M OVER MY HEAD. TOMORROW WE WILL FIND OUT JUST WHO THIS DEVLIN BOWMAN IS.

THE TURTLE THING AND-- THEN WE WILL FIND THE MAMA AND THE PAPA.

UM.

LOOK, IF I'M GONNA WORK TOMORROW, I'M GONNA NEED A LIFT,

BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND HAS MY CAR.

A BOYFRIEND. YES, A BOYFRIEND. [ Chuckling ]

IT'S GETTING LATE. I'M GONNA GO IN, OKAY?

OKAY. GOOD NIGHT, MY LOVE CAKE.

LOVE CAKE? WHAT?

YOU SAID "LOVE CAKE." BUT WHY WOULD I CALL YOU "LOVE CAKE"?

YOUR HIND QUARTERS ARE HIDEOUSLY SCRAWNY. WHAT?

WHAT I-- WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT, UH,

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR BARNEY, YES.

WILL YOU GIVE THESE TO HIM? FROM HIS DAD.

WHAT? DAD, DAD, DAD--

THAT ITALIAN GUY, ME.

OH, OKAY. THIS IS VERY SWEET OF YOU. KNEE PADS.

HE COULD USE THESE. OH, THANK YOU. YES.

YES, YES. NIGHTY NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

SLEEPY TIME, SHE COMES. [ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Rings ]

THANKS FOR THE LIBERTY BELL, GUYS. I'LL BRING IT RIGHT BACK.

OH, AND, UH, REMEMBER, THAT'S AN ACTION FIGURE, NOT A DOLL.

[ Ringing ]

SURE THING, GOVERNOR VENTURA. THANKS A LOT.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT GOVERNOR JESSE VENTURA

WOULD BE THE PERFECT DISGUISE...

TO ABSCOND WITH THE LIBERTY BELL?

ME.

MY SKILLS WERE MEANT FOR THE BETTERMENT OF MANKIND,

NOT FOR GREED AND EVIL. OH, PLEASE.

[ Chuckles ] YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR HAIR.

YOU'VE GOT SERIOUS MASK-HEAD. [ Laughing ]

[ Farts ]

HEY, PISTACHIO. I WANT YOU TO MEET MY BOYFRIEND, TRENT.

HEY, THERE HE IS.

HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU, "PISATCHE." [ Cracking ]

OW-- ARE YOU? [ Chuckling ]

OH, I FORGOT MY PURSE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LAY OFF MY LADY, YOU FREAK. MY, YOU ARE A TOUCHY-FEELY GUY, TRENT.

SAVED BY THE UNCOORDINATED LITTLE BRAT. HEY, BARN.

GRIND THAT CURB, BUDDY. YEAH!

[ Crash ]

[ Cat Screeches ] [ Laughing ] I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY.

[ Trent ] WHAT A LOSER. THANKS FOR THE PADS, PISTACHIO. THEY REALLY HELP.

YOU WILL LEARN WITH PRACTICE, BRAVE BARNEY BAKER. I'LL KEEP TRYING.

WHAT KIND OF CRAP ARE YOU PUTTING IN HIS HEAD? WHAT, UH-- EH, NICENESS?

"NICENESS"? WHAT ARE YOU, HIS DAD?

YOU ARE TRYING TO HORN IN ON MY ACTION, AREN'T YOU?

[ Mocking ] YOU ARE TRYING TO HORN IN ON MY ACTION, AREN'T YOU?

WHAT? WHAT?

ARE YOU MOCKING ME? ARE YOU MOCKING ME?

OH, OKAY. OKAY-KAY.

BUT I WARN YOU, TRENT, MY SLAP PRACTICE DUMMY GETS QUITE A WORKOUT LATELY, OKAY?

YOU WANT TO FIGHT? SEE WHAT AWAITS YOU, HUH?

FIRST YOU WATCH THE FEET. OH, SO FAST. LOOK AT THEM.

HANDS. LOOK AT IT. OH, TOO FAST.

YES, YES, YES, YES.

YES, YES, YES, YES.

YES, YES, YES-- HEY!

HEY, BARN. DON'T WORRY. JUST KEEP PRACTICING AND YOU'LL JUST BE FINE, OKAY?

[ Chuckles ] I'M READY.

[ Barking ]

HOW COME I CAN'T DO IT AND YOU CAN?

BABY, I'LL SEE YOU AFTER WORK, OKAY? BYE. OKAY.

OH, HE IS SO GOOD WITH CHILDREN.

I'M NEVER GONNA FIND ANYTHING ABOUT THIS DEVLIN BOWMAN GUY.

OH, OH, OH! LISTEN. WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

A CLASSMATES.COM THING.

[ Reading ]

WHAT? THIS GUY IS CRAZY. DID YOU HEAR THIS? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

OUCH, OUCH. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WOULD TRY SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

FREAKY, FREAKY GUY.

YES, YES. WE NOW KNOW THE WHO AND THE WHY.

BUT WHERE DO WE FIND A MAN OBSESSED WITH SUCH A RARITY? HA, HA, HA.

WELL, THERE'S THIS MEMOROBILIAS FAIR THAT I KNOW ABOUT TOMORROW...

WITH RARE TOYS AND STUFF.

MAYBE BOWMAN WILL BE THERE.

SO YOU THINK THAT BOWMAN WOULD GO... HE, HE, HE.

TO SEE THESE FAIR ITEMS?

HE-- THAT'S CRAZY. SO CRAZY...

IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

[ Grandfather Narrating ] PISTACHIO AND JENNIFER WENT TO THE ANTIQUE SHOW...

HOPING TO FIND THIS DEVLIN BOWMAN.

MY GRANDSON DECIDED TO DISGUISE HIMSELF AS A LADY. APPRAISE THIS!

[ Jennifer ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S THE NEST IN A BOX.

IT APPEARS TO BE OF TUSCAN DESIGN.

I WOULD SAY EARLY 12th CENTURY. I KNEW IT WAS OLD, YOU FOOL.

LET ME APPRAISE YOU. YOU'RE AN IDIOT, A COMPLETE AND TOTAL IDIOT.

HOW DOES IT FEEL? WHAT IS THIS, 12th-CENTURY TUSCAN?

NICE. [ Jennifer ] I THINK THAT'S HIM.

THAT'S BOWMAN. OH, WELL.

YOU'RE A TALL DRINK OF WATER.

AND I JUST LOVE MOISTURE. WHAT?

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

MY NAME IS GAMMY, GAMMY NUM NUM.

DEVLIN BOWMAN. DON'T BE ASHAMED OF YOUR FEELINGS.

YOUR DESIRES ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL, I ASSURE YOU.

WHAT DESIRES? WELL, GUESS WHAT, BACKSTREET BOY.

THIS IS ONE GIRL SCOUT THAT ISN'T CONTENT...

TO BE THE MALCOLM IN YOUR MIDDLE.

RUN ALONG, GAMMY, HUH? RUN ALONG. HMM. TOUCHING ME.

GAMMY, RUN ALONG. PUSHING ME. THERE'S PRESSURE.

PRESSURE MOVING ME BACK, TOUCHING. ALL RIGHT, GO. GO, GO, GO.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? UH, I-I'M BAR... BRA.

HMM, NICE TO MEET YOU, BARBSIE.

WE'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE BABIES.

I'M HAVING SOME SOUTH AMERICAN ART DEALERS TO MY HOUSE ON SUNDAY.

WE DON'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU, MELON HEAD.

I'D LOVE IT IF YOU JOINED US. AND I'D LOVE IT IF YOU'D SHUT UP.

NO NEED TO BRING ANYTHING...

EXCEPT THAT BEAUTIFUL SMILE.

CIAO. "CIAO." DID YOU HEAR THAT? ITALIAN.

LOOK OUT FOR THE ITALIAN MAN.

FETCH. COME ON, FETCH. [ Whines ]

I'M JUST NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THE NEW PLAN.

IT'S VERY EASY. LISTEN, IF YOU WILL DISTRACT BOWMAN AT THE PARTY,

I WILL DISGUISE MYSELF AS A-- NO!

I WILL DISGUISE. I AM MASTER OF DISGUISE. NO, NO.

I-I'M SORRY. WHAT YOU SORRY?

IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION, IT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DATING WEIRD, OLD GUYS.

DATING WEIRD OLD GUY. WHAT, YEAH, WHAT, UH, YES.

[ Whimpering ]

WHAT? LOOK.

LOOK WHAT THE CUTENESS FOUND ON PAGE 52.

THE SCARY MONSTERS SAY--

[ Reading ]

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

* [ Latin ] [ Grandfather Narrating ] THEIR PLAN WAS SIMPLE.

JENNIFER WOULD SNEAK INTO THE MANSION AND LOOK FOR CLUES ABOUT MAMA AND PAPA,

WHILE PISTACHIO WOULD DISTRACT BOWMAN.

GENTLEMEN. SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.

MY DEAR, I'M DELIGHTED YOU CAME.

EXCUSE ME, BUT WHERE IS THE LADIES ROOM? AW.

IN THE MAIN HOUSE, DOWN THE HALL, FIRST DOOR ON YOUR LEFT.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SHOW YOU? OH, NO, NO, NO. NO, IT'S OKAY.

HURRY BACK. NICE. [ Chuckling ] OKAY.

LOVELY WOMAN.

WILL YOU GENTLEMEN EXCUSE ME, PLEASE?

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG. THAT'S RIGHT.

HAVING FUN. YES. THAT'S GREAT. YOU HAVE FUN. I'VE GOTTA SPEAK TO SOMEONE.

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.

WHAT IS THAT? DON'T TOUCH.

SEE THAT, MY FRIEND? THAT IS A RARE SHRUNKEN HEAD RIGHT THERE...

OF A TRIBAL CHIEFTAIN FROM THE VILLAGE OF CONSTOPOLOCOLUS.

[ Speaking Gibberish ]

[ Trilling, Barks ]

[ Man #1 ] I'M TELLING YOU, SCOOBY DOO IS COMPUTER GENERATED.

[ Man #2 ] NO WAY. HE LOOKED SO REAL.

I'M VERY INTERESTED IN THIS, BUT I HAVE TO CHECK ON SOMETHING FIRST.

CHOKING? HEIMLICH MANEUVER. WAIT A MINUTE!

NOT GONNA CHOKE. NOT GONNA CHOKE. I'M NOT-- I'M NOT-- I'M NOT--

NOT GONNA CHOKE. NOT GONNA CHOKE. I'M NOT-- I'M NOT CHOKING!

ARE YOU CHOKING OR NOT CHOKING? I GOTTA KNOW.

I'M NOT CHOKING. NOT CHOKING. MY MISTAKE. THAT'S IMPORTANT.

HE WAS NOT CHOKING AND I WAS DOING THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER. THAT COULD BE DANGEROUS.

I'M SORRY. THAT'S MY FAULT.

WHEN SOMEONE'S NOT CHOKING, NO MANEUVER!

NO MANEUVER!

ROBIN, RICKY, TIM. I'D BETTER TAKE THESE.

CHICKEN SATAY? AND GET A LITTLE STICK STUCK IN MY ESOPHAGUS?

NOT A CHANCE. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? CRAB CAKES.

WITH YOUR ATTITUDE, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED "CRABBY CAKES."

OKAY. NOW I'M GOING TO ASK YOU.

HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE WIENER AND SOME TINY NUTS? SORRY?

YOU KNOW, I COULD TELL JUST BY LOOKING AT YOU.

YOU HAD A LITTLE WIENER AND SOME TINY NUTS.

OH, YEAH.

OH, HI. HI.

I-I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR THE BATHROOM. IN THE LIVING ROOM?

OH, WELL, YOU HAD LOVELY FURNITURE AND I JUST THOUGHT-- SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

I'LL SHOW YOU.

AFTER YOU FRESHEN UP, WHY DON'T YOU JOIN ME

ON THE TERRACE FOR AN APERITIF?

IT'S LOVELY OUT THERE. OH.

OH, YEAH. GOTTA DANCE.

* COME ON, SHAKE YOUR BODY BABY, DO THE CONGA *

* I KNOW YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOURSELF ANY LONGER *

* FEEL THE RHYTHM OF THE MUSIC GETTING STRONGER *

* DON'T YOU FIGHT IT TILL YOU TRY TO DO THAT CONGA *

* COME ON, SHAKE YOUR BODY BABY, TO THAT CONGA *

* I KNOW YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOURSELF ANY LONGER *

* FEEL THE RHYTHM OF THE MUSIC GETTING STRONGER *

* DON'T YOU FIGHT IT TILL YOU TRY TO DO THAT CONGA BEAT *

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

WHO IS THIS GUY?

THIS IDIOT IS RUINING MY PARTY. BRING HIM TO ME.

* I KNOW YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOURSELF ANY LONGER *

* FEEL THE RHYTHM OF THE MUSIC GETTING STRONGER *

* DON'T YOU FIGHT IT TILL YOU TRY TO DO THAT CONGA BEAT *

YEAH, WATCH YOUR BACK. HERE I GO.

HEY, DID YOU SEE A DARK-HAIRED GUY RUN BY HERE?

DARK-HAIRED GUY RUN BY, CHIEF?

DARK-HAIRED GUY GO IN THE WATER. SHARK IN THE WATER.

[ Chuckles ] * FAREWELL AND ADIEU MY WEE SPANISH LADIES *

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? [ Speaking Gibberish ]

WHAT? [ Speaking Gibberish ]

WHAT? I'M TALKING ABOUT A GREAT WHITE, CHIEF.

TWO TON OF HIM. TWENTY, MAYBE TWENTY-FIVE FOOTER.

THERE'S NO SHARK HERE.

YOU'RE SURE ABOUT THAT, CHIEF?

EVER SEEN A SHARK'S EYES, CHIEF?

KIND OF LIKE DOLL'S EYES, ALL BLACK AND LIFELESS-LIKE.

TWENTY-NINE KIDS GO IN THE WATER.

TWENTY-TWO KIDS COME OUT OF THE WATER.

THE ICE-CREAM MAN, HE TAKE THE REST.

APRIL THE NINTH, HALF PAST 4:00 P.M.

WAIT, SHOW ME YOUR ARM.

YOU WANNA SEE MY ARM, CHIEF? THAT'S MY ARM RIGHT THERE, CHIEFY.

STOP BECOMING ANOTHER PERSON. STOP BECOMING ANOTHER PERSON.

IT IS HIM. [ Italian Accent ] STOP BECOMING ANOTHER PERSON.

STOP BECOMING ANOTHER PERSON. I RUN AWAY FROM THE BIG BLUE HENCHIES.

OH, MAN. I JUST STEPPED ON A COW PIE.

FORGET ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT? I TOLD YOU HE WASN'T HERE. LET'S GO BACK.

FRESH AIR.

[ Cow Moos ] I TOLD YOU. THERE HE IS.

* HE'S THE MASTER OF DISGUISE *

* AND YOU MAY NEVER RECOGNIZE *

* HE'S THE MASTER OF DISGUISE *

* AND YOU MAY NEVER RECOGNIZE *

* HE'S THE MASTER OF DISGUISE *

* YES, HE IS YES, HE IS * AND YOU MAY NEVER RECOGNIZE *

* HE'S THE MASTER OF DISGUISE *

OH, HELLO.

MY NAME'S CONSTABLE MUELLER, FROM THE BAVARIAN TAX AUTHORITY.

[ Chuckles ] HELLO. [ Giggling ]

AND I'M HERE LOOKING FOR A MS. JENNIFER BAKER.

SHE OWES A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF BACK TAXES...

FROM HER TIME AS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF HEIDELSTRUDEL.

[ Giggles ] I JUST NEED TO ASK HER A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS,

LITTLE QUESTIONS.

I'M NOT GOING TO BITE HER.

COULD I JUST SPEAK WITH HER FOR JUST ONE MOMENT?

I'M NOT GOING TO BITE.

[ Giggling ]

HEY, FREAK. YES?

DON'T MOVE. OH.

WAIT RIGHT HERE. YES, OF COURSE.

WAIT RIGHT HERE. DOESN'T SOUND TOO PROMISING.

MAYBE IT'S TIME TO GO TO PLAN "B."

YOU NEED TO RELAX. YES, YOU DO. YES, YOU DO. OH, GOD, NO.

I JUST-- I DON'T REALLY LIKE BEING TOUCHED.

OH. OH, YOU DROPPED YOUR PURSE. YEAH, I-- THANK YOU.

I-I GOT IT. I GOT IT. OKAY.

LET'S SEE WHAT'S IN HERE, SHALL WE? WELL, THAT'S JUST--

THERE'S NOTHING INSIDE.

I HAD A LITTLE COLD, SO THERE'S SOME KIND OF MEDICINE FOR THAT.

SO IT'S JUST-- IT'S REALLY GROSS IN THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME, MY DEAR? ALL RIGHT.

THIS WAY. YES.

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WHERE'S THE OTHER GUY?

SUAVE, TERRY SUAVE'S THE NAME. LONDON, SCOTLAND YARD, THAT SORT OF THING.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT THAT MATTERS.

IT'S WHAT THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT WANTS.

AND THAT'S A MISS JENNIFER BAKER, AT HER SERVICE.

MMM.

IN REGARDS TO OPERATION MINTY HIPPO.

MINTY HIPPO? WHAT IS THAT?

I COULD TELL YOU, BUT IT'D BE A REAL DING-DONG, DINGY-DINGY-DING-WAD.

HUT ONE, HUT TWO. I NEED A CHARLESTON CHEW.

GET IT? GOT IT? DOUBT IT. I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO.

AND I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PUT A SQUEEZE ON YOUR CHATBOX.

WHAT? THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO. ANY QUESTIONS?

DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP?

YES. YOU CATCH ON STRAIGHTAWAY.

AH, THE MUSCLE. YES, OF COURSE. FAMILIAR SCENARIO.

YOU WANT TO GET PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL?

WELL, A SHARP BLOW TO THE "DEWEY GUMBEL" WOULD GET THE FESTIVITIES STARTED.

AND FINALLY, A SMACK TO THE "DIDGY-DODGE."

DID SOMEONE YELL, "TIMBER"? OH, LISTEN.

IT IS OKAY. I-I DID RECEIVE A LETTER.

[ Pistachio ] SHE RECEIVED A LETTER.

GET IT? GOT IT? DOUBT IT.

GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR.

FOLLOW THEM.

I BELIEVE THAT DEVLIN BOWMAN...

HAS FORCED MY PAPA TO BECOME A MASTER OF DISGUISE ONCE MORE...

IN ORDER TO STEAL RARE TREASURES FROM AROUND THE WORLD.

YES. MY DISGUISEY INSTINCTS TELL ME...

THAT THEY ARE IN THE MANSION SOMEWHERE. [ Gasps ]

MY TIGHT BLUE SWEATER!

SORRY, TRENT. TRENT?

WHO-WHO IS THIS? HEY, BABY, WE WERE JUST HA--

SOPHIA, YOU HERE NOW WITH TRENT? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

SHUT UP, CLOWN.

LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU BULLY. DON'T WORRY, JENNIFER.

THE SLAPPING TIME, SHE COMES.

OH, I'M GONNA ENJOY THIS. [ Grandfather's Voice ] PISTACHIO,

IT IS DEMORALIZING TO YOUR OPPONENT TO REPEAT THE PHRASE,

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"

YES. WHO'S YOUR DADDY, TRENT?

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

[ Growls ] HAVING FUN NOW, TRENT?

HOW DO YOU DO? [ Cracking ]

[ Clattering ] YES.

[ Laughing ]

OH, PISTACHIO.

THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME FROM THAT HORRIBLE PERSON.

LET'S GO, JENNIFER.

HEY, MY LITTLE WAITER FRIEND, PISTA--

[ Clattering ]

THANKS FOR LETTING ME BORROW THE APOLLO LUNAR MODULE FOR MY TOUR, YOU GUYS.

NO PROBLEM, MISS SIMPSON.

THANKS FOR THE CDs. I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM.

[ Woman On Stereo ] * HE'S IRRESISTIBLE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL *

* INESCAPABLE *

JESSICA SIMPSON, WHOA.

YOU SEEM TIRED, FABBRIZIO.

DON'T WORRY. IT'S ALMOST OVER.

YOU'RE INSANE.

TRULY INSANE. AM I? [ Laughing ]

OH.

[ Farts ]

HE'S OKAY. HE'S ASLEEP WITH THE CUTENESS.

I WANNA GET SOMETHING OFF MY CHEST.

TODAY WHEN-WHEN I-I SAW YOU DRESSED UP...

LIKE THAT CRAZY, HAIRY GUY,

AT THAT MOMENT, I REALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE THIS-THIS PATHETIC,

INSANE, ABSURD,

SPASTIC LITTLE MAN.

AND NOW I BELIEVE...

THAT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

THAT'S VERY NICE, BUT NOT EXACTLY TRUE.

I CAN'T TURN MUD INTO OATMEAL, FOR EXAMPLE.

I CAN'T BUILD A SPACESHIP THAT WILL TRAVEL TO PLUTO.

NO, BUT YOU CAN FIND A WAY...

TO RESCUE YOUR MAMA AND YOUR PAPA.

YES. YES, I BELIEVE NOW TOO.

YOUR PEP TALK HAS TRANSFORMED ME, MY TINY BUTTER BOTTOM--

I MEAN, JENNIFER. YOU SAID "TINY BUTTER BOTTOM."

DID I, THE FUTURE MOTHER OF MY BABIES--

I MEAN, JENNIFER. YOU SAID "FUTURE MOTHER OF MY BABIES."

DID I, FAT CAT MAMA WITH A RED DRESS ON?

I-I MEAN-- YOU SAID "FAT CAT--"

I KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT. IT JUST WAS THE EMOTION.

YOU JUST-- AH.

MY FIRST KISS.

I MUST APOLOGIZE. I WAS A LITTLE FORWARD,

BUT, UH, PERHAPS YOU ENJOYED A LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Stammering ] NO, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

TIME TO MAKE A PLAN.

AH, YES. YES, YES.

YES. BACK TO BUSINESS. THE PLANNING TIME, SHE COMES.

OKAY. OH, OH. YOU DON'T-- OH, ALL RIGHT.

IS OKAY. IS OKAY. NICE. YES. FRESH TOO.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

NIGHT NOW.

[ Grandfather Narrating ] THE CUTENESS WAS ON GUARD.

BUT OF COURSE HE WOULD BE NO MATCH AGAINST BOWMAN'S HENCHMEN,

WHO HAD ORDERS TO KIDNAP JENNIFER.

TIME WAS RUNNING OUT FOR FABBRIZIO...

AS BOWMAN PUT THE FINAL TOUCHES ON HIS EVIL SCHEME.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Pistachio ] GRANDFATHER, PLEASE, I NEED YOUR HELP.

I AM OUT OF IDEAS.

GRANDFATHER, YOU ARE BIG FLOATING HEAD.

I'M A PRERECORDED HOLOGRAM. WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION?

I FEARED I HAVE NOT MUSTERED ENOUGH ENERGICO TO OVERCOME OUR ENEMIES.

[ Barney ] PISTACHIO, I WAS HOPING YOU'D BE HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MY MOM'S MISSING. BUT I FOUND THIS.

BOWMAN'S CIGAR.

IS MY MOM OKAY?

SHE'S PROBABLY JUST OUT BUYING CIGARS RIGHT NOW.

WE HAVE WORK TO DO HERE.

YES, BRAVE BARNEY BAKER.

I NEED A DISGUISE TO GET INTO THE BOWMAN MANSION.

HOW ABOUT IF YOU DRESS-- SILENCE!

GRANDPA, WHY DON'T WE GIVE HIM A CHANCE?

SOMETIMES OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABIES--

ALL RIGHT, BUT QUIETLY.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT BE LISTENING.

THAT'S CRAZY, SO CRAZY--

IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

[ Barking ]

FEAST YOUR EYES. SOME OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST TREASURES.

LIKE THE LIBERTY BELL. THERE'S MONA LISA.

AH, THE RUBY SLIPPERS. A BETSY ROSS ORIGINAL.

HOW ABOUT THAT DAVID? OH, WE GOT BRUCE WILLIS' HAIRPIECE FROM DIE HARD II.

OH, WOW! ONE OF MY PRIZED POSSESSIONS, THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE.

YEP, ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN.

WE AT BLACK MARK EBAY HAVE A POLICY OF NOT ASKING HOW ITEMS ARE OBTAINED,

BUT IN YOUR CASE, I AM CURIOUS.

ITALY'S OWN FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY.

OKAY, OKAY. SO IT IS THE MASTER OF DISGUISE.

WANNA SEE HIM?

[ Watch Beeps ]

OKAY, SO YOU'RE GONNA AUCTION HIM OFF?

[ Scoffs ] TOO EASY.

IT'S YOU. RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO KRAZY GLUE THIS TO FABBRIZIO'S HEAD.

THEN TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO PUSH HIM OVER A CLIFF.

EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M DEAD.

IT'S CALLED THE PERFECT CRIME. EVER HEARD OF IT?

LET ME SHOW YOU THE REST OF THE ITEMS.

MR. BOWMAN, NO CHERRY PIE?

LATER, PALMER. COME ON.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THIS CHERRY PIE CAME FROM. GO FIGURE.

[ Barking ]

OH, THESE CHERRIES ARE SO TICKLISH...

AND SLIPPERY. [ Chuckling ]

CUTENESS, THIS IS DANGEROUS. GO HOME.

[ Barking ]

IT'S CHERRY PIE MAN. GET HIM! HEY!

[ Grandfather ] JENNIFER WAS FORCED TO BECOME THE BLACK MARK EBAY SPOKES MODEL,

AS OUR NATION'S TREASURES WERE BEING AUCTIONED OFF.

FAMOUS "WE THE PEOPLE"--

YO, DOUG. CHECK THIS OUT.

[ Speaking German ]

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU, THAT THIS CHERRY PIE THING WAS FABBRIZIO'S SON?

[ Inhales ] NO MATTER.

OH, BY THE WAY, STEVE, YOUR WIFE CALLED.

OH, THAT'S GREAT. THANK YOU, SIR.

SURE.

YOU'RE NOT MARRIED!

PISTACHIO?

NOW WE GOT YOU.

HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?

[ Chuckling ]

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

* IN SECRET AMONG US THERE'S A SPECIAL MAN *

* HE'S TRYING TO FIND HIS ROLE UP IN THE BIGGER PLAN *

* WITH A SIMPLE SLEIGHT OF HAND AND A NAMELESS FACE *

* HE CAN MAKE THE WORLD INTO A BETTER PLACE *

* WHO'S IT GONNA BE [ Screeching ]

* WHO CAN BECOME ANOTHER

* WHO'S IT GONNA BE

* COULD BE YOUR SISTER OR YOUR MOTHER *

* WHO'S IT GONNA BE A WORD TO THE WISE * [ All ] MMM.

* BETTER NOT MESS WITH THE MASTER OF DISGUISE *

NOW THIS LITTLE DUDE IS SLAPPING THESE NINJA GUYS SENSELESS.

* HE'S A MASTER OF DISGUISE

YES. JENNIFER, I SET YOU FREE.

THAT'S MY BELT!

WAIT, WAIT, NINJAS. RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY.

* OH, OH, HE'S A MASTER OF DISGUISE *

ANYONE WHO STAYS GETS A RAISE.

[ Laughing ]

[ Man ] NO WAY. HE SLAP US SILLY.

YOU MAY WANNA SEE THIS. [ Beeps ]

* SMORGASBORD WE'LL HAVE A PIZZA *

MAMA, LOOK OUT.

NO MORE CARAMEL CORN FOR ME.

[ All ] AH.

PISTACHIO. GRANDPAPA.

I WANTED TO BE HERE TO WITNESS YOUR FIRST DISGUISEY VICTORY.

[ Bowman ] HEY, DISGUISEYS, IT'S NOT OVER YET.

FIRST, YOU WILL SEE WHO IS YOUR DADDY.

I WAS GOING TO THROW HIM OFF A CLIFF.

INSTEAD, I THINK I'LL HAVE HIM KILL YOU.

[ Laughing, Farts ]

[ Laughing, Farts ]

PAPA, PAPA.

I'M NOT YOUR PAPA.

IN HIS WEAKENED STATE, HE MUST HAVE BEEN PULLED OVER TO THE DARK SIDE OF ENERGICO.

THERE'S A DARK SIDE, EXACTLY LIKE STAR WARS?

I AM DEVLIN BOWMAN.

NO, PAPA, YOU-YOU ARE NOT BOWMAN.

TAKE OFF YOUR MASK AND LET'S ALL GO GRAB A BITE TO EAT...

AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.

I AM DEVLIN BOWMAN.

I HAVE A SECRET, UNDERGROUND LAIR...

FILLED WITH RARE OBJECTS.

BECAUSE OF YOU DISGUISEYS,

I SPENT 20 YEARS IN THE PALERMO STATE PENITENTIARY.

I HATE YOU. [ Yells ]

PAPA.

PISTACHIO! NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS BETWEEN FATHER AND SON.

I AM NOT YOUR PAPA.

PISTACHIO, BE CAREFUL!

YOU ARE. YOU ARE MY PAPA.

NO. I AM NOT. I SWEAR, YOU ARE.

[ Yells ]

GOOD-BYE, PEANUT. NO, PAPA BOWMAN, NO.

[ Crunching ]

USE THE ENERGICO, PISTACHIO.

YES.

BUT PAPA BOWMAN, PLEASE. DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

I WOULD PUT THE UNDERWEAR ON MY HEAD AND YOU WOULD TAKE IT OFF.

OH, THOSE WERE THE DAYS. RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

UNDERWEAR COMING. STUCK IN BUTT CRACK.

YES. YES. HIS UNDERWEAR ON HIS HEAD.

JUST LIKE WHEN HE WAS A LITTLE BOY.

TAKE THOSE UNDERWEAR OFF YOUR HEAD.

TAKE THAT MASK OFF YOUR FACE.

PAPA.

MUSTACHE, PAPA. YES. GOOD.

OH, THE NOSE. YES.

TAKE THE EYE. ANOTHER.

OH, YES. PAPA! PAPA, YES.

MY SON.

IT'S FABBRIZIO.

PULL HIM UP.

PAPA.

[ Chuckling ] THE DISGUISEY TRADITION.

PAPA FREE.

[ Grandfather Narrating ] SO WE FREED MAMA,

JENNIFER BECAME MRS. DISGUISEY AND BARNEY GOT A PAPA.

FINALLY, PISTACHIO BECAME A MASTER OF DISGUISE.

BUT THERE WAS ONE THING LEFT TO DO.

WE HAD TO GET THE CONSTITUTION BACK FROM BOWMAN.

HOLA, SENOR.

MMM.

HOLA, MUCHACHITA.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU GET A MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IT'S PRESIDENT BUSH.

MR. PRESIDENT?

FOLKS AROUND HERE CALL ME "W."

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME KING GEORGE. [ Laughing ]

THAT WAS A JOKE, SON.

WOULD YOU MIND IF WE HAD A PICTURE TOGETHER?

NOW, TAKE YOUR TIME. NOW I'M READY. YES, SIR.

JUST SAY, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" IT'S AN HONOR.

SIR? THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO. ANY QUESTIONS?

IT'S YOU!

YES. YES. IT IS ME, THE MASTER OF DISGUISE.

GET HIM. YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY DISGUISEYS.

I THINK I STEPPED IN A COW PIE.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

BRING ON THE HEAT.

CAME TO GET THE CONSTITUTION BACK.

OH, YEAH. AND THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, CHIEFY.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Grandfather ] IS HE DEAD?

[ Farts ]

[ Pistachio ] BOWMAN, HE MAKE THE STINKY.

WHO'S-- YOUR--

DADDY?

* HE'S THE M-A-S-T-E-R OF DISGUISE *

* WATCH HIM CHANGE IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES *

* HE'S A MASTER MASTER OF DISGUISE *

* HE'S THE M-A-S-T-E-R OF DISGUISE *

* WATCH HIM CHANGE IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES *

* HE'S A MASTER MASTER OF DISGUISE *

* NOW WHO'S THERE, WHO'S BACK IT'S THE MASTER OF DISGUISE OR LIKE THIS OR LIKE THAT *

* LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY ABOUT THE GUY BEHIND THE MASK *

* HE USED TO GET CLUBBED SO HE HAD TO CHANGE PATHS *

* LEARNED TIME OWIN' TO A COUPLE OF JABS *

* BUT YOU KNOW THAT CAN CHANGE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE *

* TURNED FROM A TURTLE TO A NERDY GUY *

* NOW TELL ME ONCE YOU GONNA ASK US WHY *

SAY HELLO. AND TO MY LITTLE FRIEND, EH?

OH, YEAH.

[ Grandfather ] BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN ME BY THE DISGUISEY TRADITION,

PAGE 73 OF THE POP-UP BOOK,

I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU WIFE, SON AND...

MASTER OF DISGUISE. [ Applause ]

BRAVO, MY SON. BRAVO.

* I WOKE UP THIS MORNING THE SUNSHINE WAS SHINING *

* I PUT ON MY HAPPY FACE

ONCE, I SHOT AN ELEPHANT IN MY PAJAMAS.

HOW HE GOT IN MY PAJAMAS, I'LL NEVER KNOW.

I'D LIKE TO SPIN YOU ON YOUR SPINELY-SPOBBLY- SPIBBLY-SPIBBLY.

OH, BABY GONNA CRY? HIS MOMMY CALLED?

[ Man Chuckling ] AND, CUT.

OH, RUN, JENNIFER, RUN!

PISTACHIO, OH!

[ Man ] AND, ACTION.

* I PUT ON MY HAPPY FACE

* I'M LIVING, I'M ABLE I'M BREATHING, I'M GRATEFUL *

* TO PUT ON MY HAPPY FACE

* I WOKE UP THIS MORNING THE SUNSHINE WAS SHINING *

I LIKE THE JUICE. YOU LIKE THE JUICE?

SOMETIMES THAT MASTER OF DISGUISE GO AWAY.

SOMETIMES HE DON'T GO AWAY.

NOW, UH, THE MASTER OF DISGUISE,

CAN HE CHANGE INTO, SAY,

UH, BARBRA STREISAND?

OF COURSE.

BRITNEY SPEARS?

YOU'RE A SICK MAN.

THE OLSEN TWINS?

[ Roaring ]

* BEEN AROUND THE WORLD LIVED A MILLION LIVES *

* HE CAN NEVER BE FOUND

* 'CAUSE HE'S THE MASTER OF DISGUISE * [ Screaming ]

MAKE A NICE, COOL RIVER MUSTACHE THERE...

ON THE BIG, BALD, MEAN GUY'S FACE.

OOH. THAT'S REFRESHING.

HOLD. HOLD. HOLD.

UNLEASH HELL.

* HA, HA YEAH *

* Y'ALL READY TO DO THIS ONE *

* ALL RIGHT THEN LET'S GO *

* WHOO

* COME ON

* OH, YEAH

* DON'T STOP DOING THAT THING YOU DO *

* OH, YOUR SWEET LOVE IS MAKING ME HIGH *

* YEAH, YEAH

* DON'T STOP GIVING ME ALL YOUR LOVE *

I NEVER KNEW IF I'D SEE JENNY AGAIN.

YES, I'VE SEEN YOUR TYPE BEFORE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YES, I'M GAMMY NUM NUMS AND TAKE A GAMMY OF MY NUMMYNUM.

WE DON'T WANNA GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU, MELON HEAD.

[ Laughing ]

WHAT? YOU FILTHY THIEF.

TAKE THAT, AND THAT AND THAT.

BUTTERCUP SAYS YOU ARE A BAD MAN.

I'M NOT THE DUMMY. HE'S THE DUMMY.

CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW STIFF HE IS?

AND I'M THE ONE MADE OF WOOD.

* NOTHING ELSE IS GONNA DO

* DON'T SAY NO

* DON'T STOP DOING THAT THING YOU DO *

* OH, YOUR SWEET LOVE IS MAKING ME HIGH *

I DON'T WANT ANY "TROU-BUBBLES."

[ Laughing ]

HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE WIENER AND SOME-- WAIT.

GET THE BEE OUT OF THERE. I'M NOT GONNA PLAY GAMES.

HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE WIENER AND SOME LITTLE--

GET OUT OF HERE. I GOT A LITTLE BEE.

THERE'S NO WIENER AND THERE'S JUST A BEE.

[ Trilling ]

I STILL HAVE THE GREATEST ANTI-DISGUISEY WEAPON OF ALL.

THERE'S A DARK SIDE EXACTLY LIKE STAR WARS?

[ Laser Blast ]

WHAT'S GOING ON?

PISTACHIO'S IN GRAVE DANGER.

PISTACHIO, COME BACK. [ Echoing ]

[ Laser Blasts ]

UH, BUT--

[ Babbling ]

NO!

YES, I SEE NOW.

LOVE IS THICKER THAN YOUR BEHINDS.

LOOK WHAT DADDY MADE FOR YOU, A LITTLE SWEATER.

I KNITTED LAST NIGHT FOR YOU, LITTLE BUTTERCUP.

MY NAME IS GLUTEUS MAXIMUS.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

WHY ARE YOUR ARMS AROUND THE TUSH QUEEN?

WAIT, I SCREWED IT UP. SHE'S THE CAKE.

YOU'RE THE QUEEN. WHATEVER. ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.

AND REMEMBER, HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL.

NO ONE REALLY HAD A CLUE WHAT HE WAS DOING UP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

* I WISH YOU COULD COME

* I WISH YOU COULD BABY, YOU COULD COME *

* THIS IS GONNA BE FUN

* THIS IS GONNA BE REAL

NOW SHOW ME SOME TOYS. TOYS, YES, OF COURSE. TOYS. HERE.

HOW ABOUT THIS? THIS IS THE WORLD'S FIRST GIANT YO-YO.

OH, WHOOPSIE-CADABRA. IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A NO-YO.

[ Giggling ]

* THIS IS GONNA BE REAL *

HELLO?

WHAT?

HELLO?

WHAT?

WHO? WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT-- WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE SLAPPING DUMMY?

SLAP!

COME BACK HERE, SLAPPING DUMMY MAN. IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG.

ALL THE TIME. YOU WERE THE ONE, HUH?

I GOING TO GET YOU. I'M GOING TO GET YOU.

NOW, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. LET'S NOT FIGHT.

I JUST WANT TO TALK, OKAY?

NOW, LISTEN. I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

I SLAP YOU.

COME BACK HERE.

COME BACK HERE, SLAPPING DUMMY MAN.

[ Slapping ]

PLEASE.

I'LL GET YOU, PISTACHIO.

PLEASE, SLAPPING DUMMY MAN.

I'LL GET YOU, PISTACHIO.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT, SLAPPING DUMMY MAN.

I'LL GET YOU, PISTACHIO.

I DID NOT MEAN IT, SLAPPING DUMMY MAN.

I'LL GET YOU, PISTACHIO.

SO WE FIND THE NEST, WHICH WAS AMAZING.

AND THEN WE STARTED TRAINING. AND THEN WE GO TO-- TO THE SLAPPING DUMMY.

NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU GAVE ME QUITE A WORKOUT A COUPLE TIMES.

I'M TELLING, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE TO SLAP.

I LOVE TO SLAP. YES, YOU LOVE TO SLAP. YES.

WHAT YOU PEOPLE STILL DOING HERE?

YOU JUST SAW THE MOVIE, OKAY? I'M TRYING TO TALK, ALL RIGHT?

GOOD-BYE. [ Chuckles ] ALL RIGHT. SO, ANYWAY--

PISTACHIO, I'M SAD.

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

I WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

ALL RIGHT. WE FADE UP.

GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE.

* HE'S THE M-A-S-T-E-R OF DISGUISE *

* WATCH HIM CHANGE IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES *

NO MORE DOG FOOD.

* WATCH HIM CHANGE IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES *

* THE MASTER MASTER OF DISGUISE *