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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:04,612 ‐ ‐♪ What do you see? 2 00:00:05,845 --> 00:00:07,275 ‐ ‐♪ And a tree 3 00:00:36,306 --> 00:00:37,336 Alanis, it's official. 4 00:00:37,408 --> 00:00:38,508 In t‐minus three days, 5 00:00:38,578 --> 00:00:41,178 I'm catching the bouquet. For fun. 6 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:42,529 It's a wait and see on marriage right now. 7 00:00:42,552 --> 00:00:44,162 Oh, that's right, the big wedding. 8 00:00:44,221 --> 00:00:45,561 The biggest wedding. 9 00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:48,295 Wolf and Honeybee? Everyone's excited. 10 00:00:48,363 --> 00:00:51,543 Dad even invited Dell as a "platonic friend‐date" 11 00:00:51,604 --> 00:00:54,184 and I saw him a‐with ChapStick. 12 00:00:54,241 --> 00:00:57,281 Isn't it "platonic"? Get it? 'Cause it won't be. 13 00:00:57,348 --> 00:00:59,488 Oh, yeah. It seems like he might be thinking about 14 00:00:59,553 --> 00:01:01,623 doing a close‐proximity smile or some‐‐ 15 00:01:01,690 --> 00:01:04,160 mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah‐‐ smooching. 16 00:01:04,228 --> 00:01:05,838 You know, my big romance with you know who‐lier 17 00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:07,795 started with a close‐proximity smile. 18 00:01:07,869 --> 00:01:10,609 I was eating tiny meatballs at craft services on set 19 00:01:10,675 --> 00:01:12,315 when this weirdo tapped me on the shoulder 20 00:01:12,378 --> 00:01:13,608 with a Woodchuck puppet. 21 00:01:13,681 --> 00:01:16,151 Alanis, I would love to talk about him again, 22 00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:18,069 but I'm kind of needed at the boat for wedding prep. 23 00:01:18,089 --> 00:01:19,659 So, let's, uh, let's put a pin in it. 24 00:01:19,726 --> 00:01:21,426 I used to put a pin in his Full House doll, 25 00:01:21,496 --> 00:01:23,026 and then he crashed his car. 26 00:01:23,099 --> 00:01:25,349 Okay, final checklist list‐check for Honeybee Shaw's 27 00:01:25,370 --> 00:01:28,680 Titanic ‐themed wedding, setting sail this Saturday. 28 00:01:28,744 --> 00:01:30,554 I love Titanic because it features 29 00:01:30,615 --> 00:01:33,545 the sexiest actress alive: Kathy Bates. 30 00:01:33,621 --> 00:01:35,121 Ooh, her performance in Misery? 31 00:01:35,190 --> 00:01:37,260 She hobbled her way right into my heart. 32 00:01:37,327 --> 00:01:38,527 Okay. Ready to check, Beef? 33 00:01:38,597 --> 00:01:40,427 Aye, aye, Captain Bee. Moon? 34 00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:43,171 Is the Brain Billy Zane axe booth ready? 35 00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:45,749 Does that answer your question? 36 00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:48,452 Check, but don't use up all of our Zanes. 37 00:01:48,517 --> 00:01:49,917 Ham, how's the cake‐planning coming? 38 00:01:49,986 --> 00:01:52,756 Well, it's getting deliciously dangerous over here. 39 00:01:52,826 --> 00:01:56,066 There's three layers but only one fondant rescue boat. 40 00:01:56,132 --> 00:01:57,642 Hope nothing goes horribly wrong. 41 00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:59,342 Cake, check. Judy‐bee? What's your status? 42 00:01:59,405 --> 00:02:02,705 May I present the largest and most elegant chip and dip 43 00:02:02,779 --> 00:02:04,149 in the world, 44 00:02:04,215 --> 00:02:06,145 James Cameron's Snack‐tanic. 45 00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:08,559 Meant to hold ten varieties of salty savories, 46 00:02:08,624 --> 00:02:11,164 with four different hummuses in her smoke stacks. 47 00:02:11,229 --> 00:02:13,199 Loose lips sink chips. 48 00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:14,466 Ah! I can't wait for my family 49 00:02:14,536 --> 00:02:15,806 to see all of this when they get here. 50 00:02:15,838 --> 00:02:17,708 Just asking again, everybody's sure about 51 00:02:17,776 --> 00:02:19,876 having a wedding themed around a major disaster? 52 00:02:19,946 --> 00:02:22,476 We could base it on a more cheerful boat movie 53 00:02:22,552 --> 00:02:24,822 like Captain Ron, or Hope Floats? 54 00:02:24,890 --> 00:02:26,260 I'm not worried at all. 55 00:02:26,325 --> 00:02:28,295 This isn't a transatlantic voyage, it's a wedding. 56 00:02:28,363 --> 00:02:30,773 And it's gonna be perfect. 57 00:02:30,835 --> 00:02:33,035 Oh, excuse me a moment. Yes, this is Ms. Shaw. 58 00:02:33,106 --> 00:02:36,076 So you're saying James Cameron politely declines my invitation? 59 00:02:36,145 --> 00:02:38,145 Oh, not politely? Understandable. 60 00:02:38,216 --> 00:02:40,116 I'm just trying to find someone from the movie 61 00:02:40,187 --> 00:02:41,987 to show up as a surprise for my fiancé. 62 00:02:42,057 --> 00:02:44,997 Do you have Mr. DiCaprio's cell by cha‐‐ Oh, she's gone. 63 00:02:45,063 --> 00:02:47,233 Psst. Judy. 64 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,501 Oh, hey. It's W... 65 00:02:48,571 --> 00:02:50,471 ...oman issues. Ouchie. Ah. 66 00:02:50,541 --> 00:02:52,691 Uh, I have to leave now because I have those woman issues 67 00:02:52,712 --> 00:02:54,552 that I was just talking about and, frankly, 68 00:02:54,616 --> 00:02:56,286 it's totally natural and I love it, so... 69 00:02:56,352 --> 00:03:00,132 I love when Judy gets real with us. 70 00:03:00,193 --> 00:03:01,733 - Did they suspect anything? - Nope. 71 00:03:01,797 --> 00:03:04,337 I exited very smoothly with a perfect lie about my vagina. 72 00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:07,241 Smart. I do the same thing, only lying about my butt. 73 00:03:07,307 --> 00:03:08,987 It's why everyone thinks I have chronic diarrhea. 74 00:03:09,011 --> 00:03:11,721 Joke's on them. I only have frequent diarrhea. 75 00:03:11,783 --> 00:03:13,453 Good to know. Now what's going on? 76 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:14,790 This is what's going on. 77 00:03:14,856 --> 00:03:17,756 Oh, a late RSVP to the wedding and it's a maybe. 78 00:03:17,829 --> 00:03:19,809 So someone isn't sure if they're coming to the wedding‐‐ 79 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,813 no big deal‐‐ and it's from Kathleen Tobin? 80 00:03:22,872 --> 00:03:24,442 Oh, my God! Mom? What? 81 00:03:24,509 --> 00:03:25,909 - What?! - "What" is right. 82 00:03:25,978 --> 00:03:27,408 A‐And also, no frickin' way. 83 00:03:27,481 --> 00:03:28,921 - A‐And what? - Oh, and she checked 84 00:03:28,984 --> 00:03:31,664 that she wants the steak, fish and vegan entrees? 85 00:03:31,723 --> 00:03:33,363 Is that even allowed? 86 00:03:33,426 --> 00:03:34,796 No, it is very much not allowed. 87 00:03:34,863 --> 00:03:37,103 Oh, I mean, I guess in a weird way, in my mind, 88 00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:39,507 I've always pictured Mom at my wedding, but in reality, 89 00:03:39,572 --> 00:03:42,582 - I think it would be very, very bad. - Ugh, it is. 90 00:03:42,645 --> 00:03:44,775 Mom's a wrecking ball. Especially at big events. 91 00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:46,549 She can't stand it if it's not about her. 92 00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:47,900 Remember at my ice‐skating competition 93 00:03:47,922 --> 00:03:49,592 when Mom farted into the microphone 94 00:03:49,659 --> 00:03:51,299 because they wouldn't give her a trophy? 95 00:03:51,362 --> 00:03:52,702 Oh, this is all my fault. 96 00:03:52,765 --> 00:03:54,375 I must've accidentally included her address 97 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,711 on the invite spreadsheet. 98 00:03:55,771 --> 00:03:57,481 I thought I was amazing at mail merge macros, 99 00:03:57,508 --> 00:04:00,448 but it turns out, I am not amazing at mail merge macros. 100 00:04:00,514 --> 00:04:03,254 I'm headed to the supermarket. You cuties need anything? 101 00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:04,659 Not now, Londra! 102 00:04:04,723 --> 00:04:07,233 - Okay. - This is not your fault, Wolf. 103 00:04:07,294 --> 00:04:09,004 You're right. It's Mom's fault for being 104 00:04:09,064 --> 00:04:10,944 the frong‐dong frog dong's worst. 105 00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:12,742 Just when things were getting back to normal 106 00:04:12,805 --> 00:04:14,675 and we're about to add a beautiful cup of honey 107 00:04:14,743 --> 00:04:16,553 to our Tobin tea, Mom has to come back 108 00:04:16,613 --> 00:04:18,123 and fart up the room again? 109 00:04:18,182 --> 00:04:20,522 Frickin' nards. Nards so hard. 110 00:04:20,588 --> 00:04:22,258 And Honeybee's family is coming. 111 00:04:22,324 --> 00:04:24,664 They're probably perfect like her. 112 00:04:24,729 --> 00:04:26,479 - What are we gonna do? - Honeybee can't find out. 113 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,539 Uh, the last thing I want is her worrying about this 114 00:04:28,604 --> 00:04:30,474 on our wedding day. We can't tell Dad. 115 00:04:30,541 --> 00:04:31,981 He's come so far since Mom left. 116 00:04:32,044 --> 00:04:33,814 Also, Ham and Moon might not be able to take 117 00:04:33,881 --> 00:04:36,191 the emotional turmoil of seeing our crap‐tastic mom 118 00:04:36,252 --> 00:04:37,322 after all this time. 119 00:04:37,387 --> 00:04:39,657 It's official: we cannot tell anyone 120 00:04:39,726 --> 00:04:41,556 Mom is maybe coming to the wedding! 121 00:04:41,630 --> 00:04:43,600 - What? - Mom's coming to the wedding? 122 00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:45,397 One Flew Over the Poo Poo's Nest. 123 00:04:45,470 --> 00:04:47,710 We are so bad at secrets. 124 00:04:47,775 --> 00:04:48,775 Okay, gang, 125 00:04:48,811 --> 00:04:50,191 thanks for meeting me in the panic room 126 00:04:50,213 --> 00:04:51,883 so Dad wouldn't find us. Judy? 127 00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:53,900 Okay, we need to figure out if Mom's actually coming 128 00:04:53,921 --> 00:04:56,231 because all of our careful wedding planning is at risk. 129 00:04:56,292 --> 00:04:58,632 All right, pull up Mom's blog. 130 00:04:58,697 --> 00:05:00,577 That's a picture of Mom's wedding dress. 131 00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,811 - Why does it say "MBA" on it? - "Male Body Admirer." 132 00:05:03,874 --> 00:05:06,184 It's in pretty good shape considering it's edible. 133 00:05:06,245 --> 00:05:07,915 Oh, man. And she laid it out on a bed. 134 00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,822 That's what women in movies do with outfits 135 00:05:09,886 --> 00:05:11,386 they're gonna wear for big events. 136 00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:13,155 Oh, look, a "contact us" number. 137 00:05:13,226 --> 00:05:14,796 And it's disconnected. 138 00:05:14,863 --> 00:05:16,703 Okay, so she must have a new burner phone. 139 00:05:16,766 --> 00:05:18,836 Oh, my God, and there's no way to get ahold of her. 140 00:05:18,904 --> 00:05:20,924 Oh, God, I'm freaking out. Oh, she's gonna ruin my wedding. 141 00:05:20,941 --> 00:05:22,681 I'm not gonna get married. 142 00:05:22,745 --> 00:05:25,215 Wolf, this doesn't mean she'll show up, okay? 143 00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,153 You know what she's like. She's a flake. 144 00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,730 She would've missed my birth if it was medically possible. 145 00:05:29,792 --> 00:05:32,502 Let's just sign your phone up to get blog updates 146 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:33,835 so we can track her movements, eh? 147 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,467 You're right, yeah, you're right. 148 00:05:35,538 --> 00:05:37,518 The next blog update will probably be her at Hersheypark 149 00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:39,682 pretending to take a dump in the chocolate fountain. 150 00:05:39,746 --> 00:05:41,016 Uh‐huh. And in the meantime, 151 00:05:41,081 --> 00:05:43,551 let me just add, we do not talk about this. 152 00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:44,890 Because if Dad finds out, 153 00:05:44,956 --> 00:05:47,086 he'll explode and melt down at the same time. 154 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,800 And it's gonna be like... 155 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,441 And his eye will start doing that tight twitchy thing. 156 00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:55,607 ‐ ‐Hey! 157 00:05:55,678 --> 00:05:56,708 Oh, there you kids are. 158 00:05:56,780 --> 00:05:58,080 Hey, uh, Dad. Uh, y‐yeah. 159 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:00,289 We were just, uh, reading the whole Internet 160 00:06:00,353 --> 00:06:03,393 in the panic room as a family, but, uh, we're all finished. 161 00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:04,859 Wow, that is impressive. 162 00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:07,699 It seems like every day there's a new AltaVista page. 163 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,808 Anyways, I'm working on my wedding outfit. 164 00:06:09,872 --> 00:06:12,682 I sewed a collar onto this novelty tuxedo T‐shirt. 165 00:06:12,745 --> 00:06:14,275 Can you tell it's not a real tuxedo? 166 00:06:14,348 --> 00:06:19,628 I can't. Oh, if I wasn't already marrying Honeybee, I'd propose. 167 00:06:19,692 --> 00:06:21,702 Okay, so your name is Victor Garber, 168 00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:24,073 but you are not the actor Victor Garber 169 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:25,644 from the movie Titanic. 170 00:06:25,704 --> 00:06:27,744 Oh, you're in second grade? Okay. 171 00:06:27,808 --> 00:06:29,578 No, I agree, math is hard. 172 00:06:29,646 --> 00:06:32,616 Yeah, I like trains. Okay, I'm gonna go now, Victor. 173 00:06:32,685 --> 00:06:34,685 Mm‐hmm, I love you, too. 174 00:06:34,756 --> 00:06:36,126 You know, Billy Zane 175 00:06:36,191 --> 00:06:37,561 gave me mouth‐to‐mouth once 176 00:06:37,628 --> 00:06:39,668 when I choked on a dried apricot at a jazz festival. 177 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,547 - Uh... - Judy, that story 178 00:06:41,552 --> 00:06:43,372 at least deserved a "Wow." 179 00:06:43,439 --> 00:06:44,579 What's bugging you? 180 00:06:44,642 --> 00:06:46,012 I think my mom is coming to town, 181 00:06:46,078 --> 00:06:47,918 which is terrible, for so many reasons. 182 00:06:47,982 --> 00:06:50,492 Most especially that she'll ruin Wolf's wedding. 183 00:06:50,554 --> 00:06:51,974 What I really wish is that there was a way 184 00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:53,460 we could just move the whole town. 185 00:06:53,527 --> 00:06:55,127 But it's like, I don't know, do you think 186 00:06:55,163 --> 00:06:56,403 people would be up for that? 187 00:06:56,465 --> 00:06:58,035 Or you could just have a shadow wedding. 188 00:06:58,102 --> 00:06:59,972 Is that where two shadows get married? 189 00:07:00,039 --> 00:07:02,239 I love it, it's gorgeous. 190 00:07:02,310 --> 00:07:03,660 Ugh, and then I'm thinking about it, 191 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:04,830 I'm just not sure how it would help. 192 00:07:04,849 --> 00:07:07,049 Oh, Judy. So much to learn from me. 193 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,090 A shadow wedding, or really any shadow event, 194 00:07:09,157 --> 00:07:11,797 takes place at the same time as the actual event, 195 00:07:11,863 --> 00:07:13,833 but, key difference, it's for all the people 196 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,340 you don't want at the actual event. 197 00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:17,205 Hmm. Go on. 198 00:07:17,273 --> 00:07:18,913 I will. I myself have been shadowed 199 00:07:18,977 --> 00:07:21,007 on multiple occasions, and it's very effective. 200 00:07:21,081 --> 00:07:23,691 I honestly don't know if I've ever met the real version 201 00:07:23,754 --> 00:07:25,324 of my ten‐year‐old nephew Jandon. 202 00:07:25,390 --> 00:07:26,990 Well, if it would protect Wolf's wedding, 203 00:07:27,026 --> 00:07:29,056 it's definitely worth considering. 204 00:07:29,131 --> 00:07:31,031 Oh, Judy, everything's worth considering. 205 00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:33,041 Even that grown man with bare feet riding 206 00:07:33,105 --> 00:07:35,205 the children's carousel. 207 00:07:35,276 --> 00:07:39,116 He's a pass for me right now, but who knows about the future? 208 00:07:39,184 --> 00:07:42,064 And that's a shadow wedding. Any questions? 209 00:07:42,123 --> 00:07:43,333 Sounds insane. I'm in. 210 00:07:43,392 --> 00:07:45,732 Hey, we're gonna have to work overtime to protect Dad 211 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,268 and my queen‐bee‐to‐be from Mom. 212 00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:49,473 Luckily, Honeybee's been so busy with wedding stuff, 213 00:07:49,539 --> 00:07:51,339 she hasn't suspected anything weird yet. 214 00:07:51,408 --> 00:07:54,348 And that's how we'll keep it. But under no circumstances 215 00:07:54,414 --> 00:07:57,024 can Dad find out that Mom is probably on her way here 216 00:07:57,086 --> 00:07:59,756 to ruin the wedding and stomp all over his heart. 217 00:07:59,826 --> 00:08:01,296 - What? - Not again. 218 00:08:01,361 --> 00:08:04,901 - Sisterhood of the Traveling Turds. - Kathleen. 219 00:08:13,787 --> 00:08:18,227 It's the silence between the moans that's most distressing. 220 00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:19,695 Hello, children. 221 00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:23,005 I was just taking a nap, but I am fine now. 222 00:08:23,072 --> 00:08:25,782 I've pushed all the other naps I want to take deep down 223 00:08:25,844 --> 00:08:28,024 so they won't ruin Wolf's upcoming wedding. 224 00:08:28,082 --> 00:08:30,692 Great, because the wedding train is leaving in 48 hours, 225 00:08:30,754 --> 00:08:32,634 and I need my dad on my caboose. 226 00:08:32,691 --> 00:08:34,001 Choo choo, son. 227 00:08:34,027 --> 00:08:35,997 - Oh, no. No, no, no. - Oh, no. What? 228 00:08:36,064 --> 00:08:37,874 There's a new post to Mom's blog. 229 00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,505 Oh, God. Mom's on a flight. 230 00:08:39,572 --> 00:08:42,612 And she's already three plane‐aritas deep. 231 00:08:42,678 --> 00:08:43,878 Do you feel that, children? 232 00:08:43,947 --> 00:08:45,877 The way the wind has stilled in the pines, 233 00:08:45,951 --> 00:08:48,721 and the caribou no longer utters its lonely howl? 234 00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:50,830 She is set upon us. 235 00:08:50,894 --> 00:08:53,504 Okay. I was wondering what was up 236 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,067 with the wind stilling in the pines. 237 00:08:56,138 --> 00:08:57,778 I was looking for the actress Kathy Bates. 238 00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:00,681 But you're a drag queen insult comic named Kathy Berates? 239 00:09:00,747 --> 00:09:02,547 Hmm. I mean, it's not a no. 240 00:09:02,618 --> 00:09:03,788 Hold on, I got to take this. 241 00:09:03,853 --> 00:09:05,563 Hello? Oh, my gosh. 242 00:09:05,624 --> 00:09:08,264 You sound exactly how you sounded in the movie. 243 00:09:08,329 --> 00:09:09,699 And you can actually come? 244 00:09:09,765 --> 00:09:10,965 Oh, I feel so powerful. 245 00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:13,244 This must be how the iceberg felt. 246 00:09:13,305 --> 00:09:15,005 Okay, shadow wedding. 247 00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:18,216 We need three things: location, actors and decorations. 248 00:09:18,282 --> 00:09:20,192 And guess what? I know where we can go for each. 249 00:09:20,252 --> 00:09:22,932 Dad, your involvement is not to be involved at all. 250 00:09:22,992 --> 00:09:24,372 The last thing we need is you seeing Mom 251 00:09:24,394 --> 00:09:26,244 at the shadow wedding and falling under her spell. 252 00:09:26,264 --> 00:09:28,354 But there is a task that's perfect for you to take on. 253 00:09:28,369 --> 00:09:31,909 You can give Honeybee's family a tour of Lone Moose's hot spots 254 00:09:31,976 --> 00:09:34,146 and keep them distracted while we do this. 255 00:09:34,214 --> 00:09:35,454 Be our man on the outside. 256 00:09:35,517 --> 00:09:37,257 Honeybee is picking them up at the airport as we speak. 257 00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:39,216 I'm on it. I could take them to the bowling alley 258 00:09:39,290 --> 00:09:41,140 and show them your great‐grandmother's trophies. 259 00:09:41,161 --> 00:09:43,471 Then I could take them to our backyard, 260 00:09:43,533 --> 00:09:44,473 and show them her grave. 261 00:09:44,535 --> 00:09:46,505 And we could stop for a nice lunch in between. 262 00:09:46,572 --> 00:09:48,282 Okay, hands in the middle, everyone. 263 00:09:48,342 --> 00:09:49,852 On three, everyone say, 264 00:09:49,912 --> 00:09:51,382 "Do a shadow wedding, trick Mom, 265 00:09:51,448 --> 00:09:52,848 "save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage, 266 00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:54,298 and everyone lives happily ever after." 267 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,660 - One, two, three. - Do a shadow wedding. 268 00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,326 - Trick Mom. Save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage. Kathleen. 269 00:09:59,397 --> 00:10:01,937 - And everyone lives happily ever after. 270 00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:04,343 - ...happily ever after. - Perfect. 271 00:10:04,407 --> 00:10:06,877 Tobins, this is the Shaws. 272 00:10:09,819 --> 00:10:12,589 - A hug for you. - Louis Shaw, pleased to meet you. 273 00:10:12,658 --> 00:10:14,068 Well, I'm gonna go spend some me time 274 00:10:14,094 --> 00:10:15,864 finishing up the wedding prep. 275 00:10:15,931 --> 00:10:17,771 - Have fun, guys. - Enjoy your she time. 276 00:10:17,835 --> 00:10:20,065 And the four of us have to go do something very normal 277 00:10:20,139 --> 00:10:21,689 and nobody should be concerned about it. 278 00:10:21,709 --> 00:10:23,289 Why would they? That's boring. 279 00:10:23,312 --> 00:10:24,382 Okay, bye‐bye. 280 00:10:24,447 --> 00:10:26,047 Welp, that just leaves us, then. 281 00:10:26,118 --> 00:10:28,258 Today I'm gonna take you on a guided tour 282 00:10:28,322 --> 00:10:30,732 of Lone Moose's finest attractions. 283 00:10:30,794 --> 00:10:32,934 The van is all warmed up and I made you each 284 00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:35,038 a personal thermos of hot chocolate. 285 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:36,942 - Thank you, Keith. - Uh, it's, uh, Beef. 286 00:10:37,006 --> 00:10:38,806 No, that's not a name. 287 00:10:38,877 --> 00:10:41,147 You know, Beef, as owners of a curtain shop ourselves, 288 00:10:41,214 --> 00:10:43,354 I'd love to see an Alaskan window covering store. 289 00:10:43,418 --> 00:10:45,033 - If you have one. - Oh, sure, we 290 00:10:45,038 --> 00:10:46,658 could stop by Count Drape‐ula. 291 00:10:46,726 --> 00:10:48,296 Now everyone buckle up. 292 00:10:48,362 --> 00:10:51,102 I always drive safely, but if I see any gorgeous 293 00:10:51,168 --> 00:10:53,908 natural scenery, I may gently tap the brakes 294 00:10:53,973 --> 00:10:56,243 so that we can partake. 295 00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,740 Welp, the Shaws were riveted by the tour. 296 00:11:24,802 --> 00:11:27,412 And I learned that the inventor of the curtain rod 297 00:11:27,473 --> 00:11:29,613 was coincidentally named Rod. 298 00:11:29,678 --> 00:11:31,578 - He was also a murderer. - Aw, what fun. 299 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,419 Now let's go over the shadow wedding plan one last time. 300 00:11:34,487 --> 00:11:36,057 We'll park the Mighty Kathleen 301 00:11:36,124 --> 00:11:38,934 and the newly decorated shadow wedding boat on opposite ends 302 00:11:38,997 --> 00:11:40,877 of the dock, where they aren't visible to each other. 303 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,241 - When Mom arrives... - My true love 304 00:11:43,305 --> 00:11:45,305 and the most handsome teen in Lone Moose, Crispin‐‐ 305 00:11:45,342 --> 00:11:47,812 love you, Big C‐‐ will be there to head her off 306 00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:49,631 with three complimentary glasses of champagne. 307 00:11:49,652 --> 00:11:51,022 Which will instantly 308 00:11:51,087 --> 00:11:52,557 send her to the "party zone," 309 00:11:52,624 --> 00:11:55,604 where she is, you know, less apt to question anything. 310 00:11:55,664 --> 00:11:58,604 Crispin will then golf‐cart her to the shadow wedding boat. 311 00:11:58,670 --> 00:12:00,450 Where we'll be waiting along with the shadow guests 312 00:12:00,472 --> 00:12:02,742 and wedding party played by Judy's improv troupe. 313 00:12:02,811 --> 00:12:04,251 I'll escort Mom to her seat 314 00:12:04,314 --> 00:12:05,924 in the front row and await my bride, 315 00:12:05,984 --> 00:12:07,854 who is being played by Zoya. 316 00:12:07,921 --> 00:12:09,361 Hello. We make wedding now? 317 00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:11,364 From there, the wedding begins. 318 00:12:11,428 --> 00:12:12,998 And it goes perfectly. 319 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,635 Then we all make our exit to head 320 00:12:14,702 --> 00:12:16,772 to the real wedding as the boat sets sail with Mom, 321 00:12:16,839 --> 00:12:18,609 Zoya and all the shadow guests aboard 322 00:12:18,676 --> 00:12:20,876 for the quote, unquote "reception." 323 00:12:20,947 --> 00:12:22,617 Bon voyage, B words! 324 00:12:22,684 --> 00:12:24,894 And once the shadow wedding boat is on the water, 325 00:12:24,955 --> 00:12:26,725 if Mom asks anyone where her family went, 326 00:12:26,792 --> 00:12:29,732 they know to say, "They went‐a thatta way," while gesturing 327 00:12:29,798 --> 00:12:32,508 - with their thumbs like in the Three Stoog‐ies. At the end of the night, 328 00:12:32,537 --> 00:12:35,277 when we've pulled it all off, we'll have a happy Honeybee, 329 00:12:35,342 --> 00:12:37,512 a bamboozled Mom and two perfect weddings. 330 00:12:37,581 --> 00:12:39,551 Any questions? No? Okay, great. 331 00:12:39,618 --> 00:12:41,938 I grabbed this wedding dress from the drama wardrobe closet 332 00:12:41,989 --> 00:12:44,389 at school from when we did M. Butterfly. Wolf? 333 00:12:44,460 --> 00:12:46,800 Could you snow‐machine this over to Zoya's house? 334 00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,536 Oh, man. 335 00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:49,943 What are we doing? 336 00:12:50,005 --> 00:12:52,605 Looking at this perfect costume wedding dress 337 00:12:52,677 --> 00:12:54,147 that isn't for my actual bride 338 00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:55,583 makes me realize that even though 339 00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:58,120 Mom's not here, she's still got us running around 340 00:12:58,188 --> 00:13:00,388 like a bunch of chickens with our butts cut off. 341 00:13:00,459 --> 00:13:02,059 I don't want to start my marriage off 342 00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,269 with a bunch of bing‐bong lies to my wife. 343 00:13:04,333 --> 00:13:06,173 I need to tell her that Mom said yes 344 00:13:06,237 --> 00:13:07,907 and we're doing the shadow wedding. 345 00:13:07,974 --> 00:13:10,114 We got to come clean to the Shaws that I'm going 346 00:13:10,179 --> 00:13:11,879 to be marrying two women in one day 347 00:13:11,949 --> 00:13:14,589 because we're basically a band of no‐good grifters 348 00:13:14,655 --> 00:13:16,785 with a terrible family secret! 349 00:13:16,859 --> 00:13:17,789 - What?! - Oh, no. 350 00:13:17,861 --> 00:13:18,961 - Oh, boy. - Keith! 351 00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:21,400 Oh, good, now they already know. 352 00:13:25,442 --> 00:13:27,552 And then Mom pantsed the sheriff when she couldn't 353 00:13:27,614 --> 00:13:29,084 calm down at my science fair. 354 00:13:29,150 --> 00:13:30,850 And then she took his gun. 355 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,420 I had to give my ribbon back. 356 00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:34,160 Oh, no! Not your ribbon! 357 00:13:34,227 --> 00:13:36,227 God herself couldn't take my ribbon. 358 00:13:36,297 --> 00:13:38,237 So, in summation, Mom's the frickin' worst 359 00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:40,111 and will ruin our wedding if she shows 360 00:13:40,172 --> 00:13:41,582 and, so, yeah, that's why we planned 361 00:13:41,642 --> 00:13:43,212 this whole shadow wedding thing. 362 00:13:43,278 --> 00:13:45,078 Okay, I agree‐‐ your mom is bad. 363 00:13:45,149 --> 00:13:46,749 But, Wolf, honey, you can't throw a big, 364 00:13:46,819 --> 00:13:48,259 elaborate shadow wedding 365 00:13:48,321 --> 00:13:50,001 - just because she might show up. - It's just that, 366 00:13:50,025 --> 00:13:52,395 I'm not saying we were a disaster before you showed up, 367 00:13:52,463 --> 00:13:54,133 but we kind of had, I don't know, 368 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,670 low family self‐esteem. 369 00:13:55,737 --> 00:13:58,537 So you coming into our lives, you make everything great, 370 00:13:58,609 --> 00:14:01,079 and I guess we all just got a little scared of, well, 371 00:14:01,147 --> 00:14:02,347 losing you. I just wanted‐‐ 372 00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:04,346 I mean, we all just wanted to make sure 373 00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:06,470 it was the perfect night for you and your perfect family. 374 00:14:06,491 --> 00:14:08,961 You think we're a perfect family? 375 00:14:09,030 --> 00:14:11,270 Of course. I mean, look at you guys. 376 00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:14,214 Look at your slacks‐‐ you all have nice slacks. 377 00:14:14,273 --> 00:14:16,313 Oh, we are far from perfect. Isn't that right? 378 00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,417 Louis, you know exactly what I'm talking about. 379 00:14:18,481 --> 00:14:21,321 I farted on the couch one time about 17 years ago. 380 00:14:21,387 --> 00:14:23,157 And these two never let me forget it. 381 00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:24,995 We had eaten some egg salad. 382 00:14:25,062 --> 00:14:26,572 I called the fire department. 383 00:14:26,632 --> 00:14:28,842 I thought there was an electrical fire in the walls. 384 00:14:28,903 --> 00:14:30,223 We tried to reupholster the couch, 385 00:14:30,272 --> 00:14:31,912 but it had gotten into the bones. 386 00:14:31,976 --> 00:14:34,276 Oh, Wolf, just because we own an amazing business 387 00:14:34,347 --> 00:14:36,217 and dress well, we're still not perfect. 388 00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:38,524 No one is. We've got some truly unique people 389 00:14:38,589 --> 00:14:39,959 in our family, too. 390 00:14:40,025 --> 00:14:41,425 My cousin Brenda, for instance. 391 00:14:41,494 --> 00:14:44,274 She swears wholeheartedly that she's the Zodiac Killer. 392 00:14:44,333 --> 00:14:46,643 The timeline doesn't work, but she insists. 393 00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:49,405 And sometimes I'll use a breath mint instead of deodorant. 394 00:14:49,477 --> 00:14:52,017 I just suck on it for a second, then stick it to my pit. 395 00:14:52,082 --> 00:14:53,822 - Jerry! - I know! 396 00:14:53,886 --> 00:14:55,456 - Jerry. - I know. 397 00:14:55,523 --> 00:14:57,463 See, babe, no one's judging you but you. 398 00:14:57,527 --> 00:14:59,297 Actually, now that I think about it, 399 00:14:59,363 --> 00:15:00,773 this thing with your mom is great. 400 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,643 I mean, we're havinga Titanic ‐themed wedding, 401 00:15:02,704 --> 00:15:05,514 and your mom is our iceberg. And if she tries to ruin 402 00:15:05,576 --> 00:15:08,176 our wedding and we get married and we stay married anyway, 403 00:15:08,248 --> 00:15:09,658 then we're the Unsinkable Molly Brown. 404 00:15:09,685 --> 00:15:12,155 It's proof that we can survive anything together. 405 00:15:12,222 --> 00:15:14,162 We'll be even stronger than Jack and Rose, 406 00:15:14,226 --> 00:15:16,526 because Jack voluntarily drowned near a door. 407 00:15:16,598 --> 00:15:19,038 All right, I'll tell everyone that the shadow wedding's off. 408 00:15:19,103 --> 00:15:20,943 Let the storm come. 409 00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:22,537 Blow, winds, blow! 410 00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:24,250 Crack your cheeks. 411 00:15:24,313 --> 00:15:25,873 Sorry, I just played King Lear recently, 412 00:15:25,917 --> 00:15:28,387 and the character hasn't left me. 413 00:15:40,747 --> 00:15:43,347 Huh, kind of thought Mom would be here by now. 414 00:15:43,418 --> 00:15:45,128 I'm sure she's just waiting in her car so she can 415 00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:47,355 make a late entrance and draw attention to herself. 416 00:15:47,426 --> 00:15:50,466 She's no doubt tucking her own skirt into her underwear 417 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:53,513 for a classic Kathleen cheek peek. 418 00:15:53,572 --> 00:15:57,082 Okay, welp, let's go get our Wolf married. 419 00:16:13,612 --> 00:16:16,422 Frickin' beautiful Honeybee! 420 00:16:18,622 --> 00:16:20,732 Frickin' beautiful door! 421 00:16:20,793 --> 00:16:23,063 Friends and family, we are gathered here today 422 00:16:23,131 --> 00:16:24,671 in the year 1912 on this, 423 00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:27,244 the unsinkable ship, to celebrate the love 424 00:16:27,306 --> 00:16:28,976 of Wolf "King of the World" Tobin 425 00:16:29,043 --> 00:16:30,683 and Honeybee "Spit Like a Man" Shaw. 426 00:16:30,746 --> 00:16:33,646 Just like the constrictor knot, which can be impossible 427 00:16:33,719 --> 00:16:35,819 to untie once it is tightened, and only grows 428 00:16:35,890 --> 00:16:39,700 tighter when pulled, so shall your love grow tighter. 429 00:16:39,764 --> 00:16:42,544 Oh. Now that man can tie a knot. 430 00:16:42,604 --> 00:16:43,944 Ay, chihuahua. 431 00:16:44,006 --> 00:16:45,276 And that is exactly why 432 00:16:45,342 --> 00:16:47,012 blind brackets come in packs of two, 433 00:16:47,079 --> 00:16:49,989 to support each other, because it takes two to make it work. 434 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:51,451 Just like in marriage. 435 00:16:51,522 --> 00:16:53,602 If I would've known she was gonna talk about brackets, 436 00:16:53,626 --> 00:16:56,356 I would've brought extra tissues. 437 00:16:56,430 --> 00:16:58,840 True love straight ahead! 438 00:17:01,909 --> 00:17:04,649 And now Wolf and Honeybee will exchange their vows... 439 00:17:04,714 --> 00:17:06,894 in the form of some of their favorite movie quotes. 440 00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:10,492 Honeybee, commenting in that online famous movie quotes 441 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,130 message board was the best thing that ever happened to me. 442 00:17:13,197 --> 00:17:15,237 Because it brought me to you, and now we both found 443 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:18,612 something we love more than quotes from movies‐‐ each other. 444 00:17:18,676 --> 00:17:20,646 We're gonna need a bigger boat... for our love 445 00:17:20,713 --> 00:17:22,183 and someday our kids. 446 00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,719 Because life moves pretty fast. 447 00:17:23,786 --> 00:17:25,666 If you don't stop and get married once in a while, 448 00:17:25,690 --> 00:17:27,290 you might miss the love of your life. 449 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:29,359 And I will always show you the money! 450 00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:30,880 And by "money," I mean "understanding." 451 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:33,770 Standing in front of a Bee, asking her to love him. 452 00:17:33,839 --> 00:17:35,249 That's not a ring. 453 00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:37,145 This is a ring. 454 00:17:39,116 --> 00:17:40,046 Tacky. 455 00:17:40,118 --> 00:17:41,588 At this time, 456 00:17:41,655 --> 00:17:43,985 we ask that anyone that should object to this union 457 00:17:44,059 --> 00:17:45,859 speak now or forever hold your... 458 00:17:45,930 --> 00:17:47,500 Ah, dang, am I late? 459 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,067 Did I miss the cocktail hour? 460 00:17:50,372 --> 00:17:53,552 - Here we go. - Dear God. Kathleen ahoy. 461 00:17:57,419 --> 00:18:00,689 Oh, that's not Kathleen. 462 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,030 Who the hell is that? 463 00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:03,455 Maybe this'll ring a bell. 464 00:18:05,569 --> 00:18:07,309 Oh. My. God. 465 00:18:07,372 --> 00:18:09,442 - Honeybee, you didn't. - Oh, I did. 466 00:18:09,511 --> 00:18:11,351 I'd know that cry anywhere! 467 00:18:11,414 --> 00:18:12,954 It's the actress who played the baby 468 00:18:13,017 --> 00:18:16,457 Billy Zane grabbed to try to get on the rescue boats in Titanic! 469 00:18:16,525 --> 00:18:18,795 Oh, remember he ran all over the deck saying, 470 00:18:18,862 --> 00:18:20,572 "I have a child. I have a child." 471 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,343 Oh, man, you're my second favorite 472 00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:23,922 background character after Irish Mommy. 473 00:18:23,939 --> 00:18:26,849 Okay, would you like a plaintive wail or some quiet sobbing? 474 00:18:26,912 --> 00:18:28,922 Oh, quiet sobbing, please. 475 00:18:31,087 --> 00:18:32,317 Wow! 476 00:18:32,389 --> 00:18:34,229 Houston, we have a marriage. 477 00:18:34,293 --> 00:18:36,703 You may now kiss each other. 478 00:18:38,401 --> 00:18:40,971 Luke... 479 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,910 I am your husband. 480 00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:46,549 Luke... 481 00:18:46,618 --> 00:18:48,518 I am your wife. 482 00:18:48,589 --> 00:18:50,589 Ladies and gentlemen, it's my great honor 483 00:18:50,659 --> 00:18:52,759 to present to you for the very first time, 484 00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:56,270 Mr. and Mrs. Wolf and Honeybee Shaw‐Tobin! 485 00:19:04,954 --> 00:19:08,834 Come on, you two, the window's not gonna fog itself up. 486 00:19:08,896 --> 00:19:10,296 Don't make me come in there. 487 00:19:10,365 --> 00:19:11,935 Okay, I'm coming in. 488 00:19:14,039 --> 00:19:16,109 I for one am glad Mom didn't bother 489 00:19:16,177 --> 00:19:18,177 to show up for my once‐in‐a‐lifetime wedding. 490 00:19:18,247 --> 00:19:19,517 It's, you know, it's good. 491 00:19:19,584 --> 00:19:21,154 Definitely, uh... for‐for the best. 492 00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:23,590 Is it weird that maybe I feel kind of sad? 493 00:19:23,659 --> 00:19:25,089 Oh, I'm not sad. 494 00:19:25,161 --> 00:19:26,831 I just have this hollow, lonely feeling 495 00:19:26,898 --> 00:19:28,068 in the pit of my stomach. 496 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:29,544 Luckily, I was so young 497 00:19:29,604 --> 00:19:31,644 when Mom left that I don't feel‐‐ 498 00:19:31,708 --> 00:19:33,408 Yeah, I'm bummed. 499 00:19:33,477 --> 00:19:35,417 Yeah, me, too. Why do we feel like this? 500 00:19:35,481 --> 00:19:37,521 Because, sure, she's messed up, 501 00:19:37,587 --> 00:19:38,887 but she's still your mom. 502 00:19:38,956 --> 00:19:41,596 Being filled with dread that Kathleen will appear 503 00:19:41,661 --> 00:19:44,771 and then disappointment when she doesn't is normal. 504 00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:46,844 And terrible. And normal. 505 00:19:46,905 --> 00:19:49,435 I know what you're going through, but look around. 506 00:19:49,510 --> 00:19:51,850 Everyone that's supposed to be here is. 507 00:19:51,915 --> 00:19:53,075 This is a good day. 508 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,320 It is Kathleen who is missing out. 509 00:19:55,388 --> 00:19:56,728 You know, Dad, you're right. 510 00:19:56,791 --> 00:19:58,661 It's better that Mom didn't show up. 511 00:19:58,729 --> 00:20:00,429 She would have definitely ruined today. 512 00:20:00,498 --> 00:20:02,268 She probably would have. 513 00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,905 But your mother wasn't all bad. 514 00:20:03,972 --> 00:20:07,412 She did give me the four things I love most in this world. 515 00:20:07,479 --> 00:20:09,479 Oh, do you mean our set of limited edition 516 00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:10,850 Betty Boop ceramic plates? 517 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,560 - Nah, she took those with her. - Damn it. 518 00:20:13,625 --> 00:20:16,225 I mean the four of you kids. 519 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,310 Do you trust me, Honeybee? 520 00:20:23,377 --> 00:20:24,647 I trust you. 521 00:20:24,714 --> 00:20:26,654 - Do you trust me, Wolf? - I trust you. 522 00:20:26,718 --> 00:20:28,788 - Do you trust me, Ham? - I trust you. 523 00:20:28,855 --> 00:20:30,985 - Do you trust me, Dad? - I trust you. 524 00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:32,930 Do you trust us, Shaws? 525 00:20:32,997 --> 00:20:34,597 We trust you! 526 00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,147 Okay, I'm following the rule of thirds. 527 00:20:36,170 --> 00:20:37,530 Didn't forget to capture the depth. 528 00:20:37,573 --> 00:20:39,083 And I've got everyone's good sides. 529 00:20:39,142 --> 00:20:41,952 Okay, this is looking good. And timer's set! Everyone hold! 530 00:20:42,015 --> 00:20:43,515 Huh, would you look at that. 531 00:20:43,585 --> 00:20:44,945 Mom's blog just updated. 532 00:20:45,021 --> 00:20:47,461 She's drinking at a Wetzel's Pretzels in Tulsa. 533 00:20:47,526 --> 00:20:48,756 Bad news for Tulsa. 534 00:20:48,829 --> 00:20:51,129 Move your booty, here comes Judy. 535 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,970 Okay. On three, everyone say, 536 00:20:53,037 --> 00:20:54,977 "Today turned out perfectly, and we didn't even have to 537 00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:56,648 "do the shadow wedding, which was a good move because 538 00:20:56,678 --> 00:20:58,018 Mom didn't even end up showing up and..." 539 00:20:58,047 --> 00:20:59,577 ‐ ‐ 540 00:20:59,650 --> 00:21:02,420 Jandon, it's your aunt, Alyson. This song is for you. 541 00:21:30,779 --> 00:21:32,779 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 542 00:21:32,850 --> 00:21:35,120 and TOYOTA. 40216

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