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‐ ‐♪ What do you see?
2
00:00:05,845 --> 00:00:07,275
‐ ‐♪ And a tree
3
00:00:36,306 --> 00:00:37,336
Alanis, it's official.
4
00:00:37,408 --> 00:00:38,508
In t‐minus three days,
5
00:00:38,578 --> 00:00:41,178
I'm catching the bouquet. For fun.
6
00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:42,529
It's a wait and see on
marriage right now.
7
00:00:42,552 --> 00:00:44,162
Oh, that's right, the big wedding.
8
00:00:44,221 --> 00:00:45,561
The biggest wedding.
9
00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:48,295
Wolf and Honeybee? Everyone's excited.
10
00:00:48,363 --> 00:00:51,543
Dad even invited Dell as
a "platonic friend‐date"
11
00:00:51,604 --> 00:00:54,184
and I saw him a‐with ChapStick.
12
00:00:54,241 --> 00:00:57,281
Isn't it "platonic"? Get it?
'Cause it won't be.
13
00:00:57,348 --> 00:00:59,488
Oh, yeah. It seems like he
might be thinking about
14
00:00:59,553 --> 00:01:01,623
doing a close‐proximity smile or some‐‐
15
00:01:01,690 --> 00:01:04,160
mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,
mwah‐‐ smooching.
16
00:01:04,228 --> 00:01:05,838
You know, my big romance
with you know who‐lier
17
00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:07,795
started with a close‐proximity smile.
18
00:01:07,869 --> 00:01:10,609
I was eating tiny meatballs
at craft services on set
19
00:01:10,675 --> 00:01:12,315
when this weirdo tapped
me on the shoulder
20
00:01:12,378 --> 00:01:13,608
with a Woodchuck puppet.
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00:01:13,681 --> 00:01:16,151
Alanis, I would love to
talk about him again,
22
00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:18,069
but I'm kind of needed at
the boat for wedding prep.
23
00:01:18,089 --> 00:01:19,659
So, let's, uh, let's put a pin in it.
24
00:01:19,726 --> 00:01:21,426
I used to put a pin in
his Full House doll,
25
00:01:21,496 --> 00:01:23,026
and then he crashed his car.
26
00:01:23,099 --> 00:01:25,349
Okay, final checklist
list‐check for Honeybee Shaw's
27
00:01:25,370 --> 00:01:28,680
Titanic ‐themed wedding,
setting sail this Saturday.
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00:01:28,744 --> 00:01:30,554
I love Titanic because it features
29
00:01:30,615 --> 00:01:33,545
the sexiest actress alive: Kathy Bates.
30
00:01:33,621 --> 00:01:35,121
Ooh, her performance in Misery?
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00:01:35,190 --> 00:01:37,260
She hobbled her way
right into my heart.
32
00:01:37,327 --> 00:01:38,527
Okay. Ready to check, Beef?
33
00:01:38,597 --> 00:01:40,427
Aye, aye, Captain Bee. Moon?
34
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:43,171
Is the Brain Billy
Zane axe booth ready?
35
00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:45,749
Does that answer your question?
36
00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:48,452
Check, but don't use
up all of our Zanes.
37
00:01:48,517 --> 00:01:49,917
Ham, how's the cake‐planning coming?
38
00:01:49,986 --> 00:01:52,756
Well, it's getting deliciously
dangerous over here.
39
00:01:52,826 --> 00:01:56,066
There's three layers but only
one fondant rescue boat.
40
00:01:56,132 --> 00:01:57,642
Hope nothing goes horribly wrong.
41
00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:59,342
Cake, check. Judy‐bee?
What's your status?
42
00:01:59,405 --> 00:02:02,705
May I present the largest and
most elegant chip and dip
43
00:02:02,779 --> 00:02:04,149
in the world,
44
00:02:04,215 --> 00:02:06,145
James Cameron's Snack‐tanic.
45
00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:08,559
Meant to hold ten varieties
of salty savories,
46
00:02:08,624 --> 00:02:11,164
with four different hummuses
in her smoke stacks.
47
00:02:11,229 --> 00:02:13,199
Loose lips sink chips.
48
00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:14,466
Ah! I can't wait for my family
49
00:02:14,536 --> 00:02:15,806
to see all of this when they get here.
50
00:02:15,838 --> 00:02:17,708
Just asking again,
everybody's sure about
51
00:02:17,776 --> 00:02:19,876
having a wedding themed
around a major disaster?
52
00:02:19,946 --> 00:02:22,476
We could base it on a
more cheerful boat movie
53
00:02:22,552 --> 00:02:24,822
like Captain Ron, or Hope Floats?
54
00:02:24,890 --> 00:02:26,260
I'm not worried at all.
55
00:02:26,325 --> 00:02:28,295
This isn't a transatlantic
voyage, it's a wedding.
56
00:02:28,363 --> 00:02:30,773
And it's gonna be perfect.
57
00:02:30,835 --> 00:02:33,035
Oh, excuse me a moment.
Yes, this is Ms. Shaw.
58
00:02:33,106 --> 00:02:36,076
So you're saying James Cameron
politely declines my invitation?
59
00:02:36,145 --> 00:02:38,145
Oh, not politely? Understandable.
60
00:02:38,216 --> 00:02:40,116
I'm just trying to find
someone from the movie
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00:02:40,187 --> 00:02:41,987
to show up as a surprise for my fiancé.
62
00:02:42,057 --> 00:02:44,997
Do you have Mr. DiCaprio's
cell by cha‐‐ Oh, she's gone.
63
00:02:45,063 --> 00:02:47,233
Psst. Judy.
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00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,501
Oh, hey. It's W...
65
00:02:48,571 --> 00:02:50,471
...oman issues. Ouchie. Ah.
66
00:02:50,541 --> 00:02:52,691
Uh, I have to leave now because
I have those woman issues
67
00:02:52,712 --> 00:02:54,552
that I was just talking
about and, frankly,
68
00:02:54,616 --> 00:02:56,286
it's totally natural
and I love it, so...
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00:02:56,352 --> 00:03:00,132
I love when Judy gets real with us.
70
00:03:00,193 --> 00:03:01,733
- Did they suspect anything?
- Nope.
71
00:03:01,797 --> 00:03:04,337
I exited very smoothly with a
perfect lie about my vagina.
72
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:07,241
Smart. I do the same thing,
only lying about my butt.
73
00:03:07,307 --> 00:03:08,987
It's why everyone thinks
I have chronic diarrhea.
74
00:03:09,011 --> 00:03:11,721
Joke's on them. I only
have frequent diarrhea.
75
00:03:11,783 --> 00:03:13,453
Good to know. Now what's going on?
76
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:14,790
This is what's going on.
77
00:03:14,856 --> 00:03:17,756
Oh, a late RSVP to the
wedding and it's a maybe.
78
00:03:17,829 --> 00:03:19,809
So someone isn't sure if they're
coming to the wedding‐‐
79
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,813
no big deal‐‐ and it's
from Kathleen Tobin?
80
00:03:22,872 --> 00:03:24,442
Oh, my God! Mom? What?
81
00:03:24,509 --> 00:03:25,909
- What?!
- "What" is right.
82
00:03:25,978 --> 00:03:27,408
A‐And also, no frickin' way.
83
00:03:27,481 --> 00:03:28,921
- A‐And what?
- Oh, and she checked
84
00:03:28,984 --> 00:03:31,664
that she wants the steak,
fish and vegan entrees?
85
00:03:31,723 --> 00:03:33,363
Is that even allowed?
86
00:03:33,426 --> 00:03:34,796
No, it is very much not allowed.
87
00:03:34,863 --> 00:03:37,103
Oh, I mean, I guess in a
weird way, in my mind,
88
00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:39,507
I've always pictured Mom at
my wedding, but in reality,
89
00:03:39,572 --> 00:03:42,582
- I think it would be very, very bad.
- Ugh, it is.
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00:03:42,645 --> 00:03:44,775
Mom's a wrecking ball.
Especially at big events.
91
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:46,549
She can't stand it if
it's not about her.
92
00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:47,900
Remember at my ice‐skating competition
93
00:03:47,922 --> 00:03:49,592
when Mom farted into the microphone
94
00:03:49,659 --> 00:03:51,299
because they wouldn't
give her a trophy?
95
00:03:51,362 --> 00:03:52,702
Oh, this is all my fault.
96
00:03:52,765 --> 00:03:54,375
I must've accidentally
included her address
97
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,711
on the invite spreadsheet.
98
00:03:55,771 --> 00:03:57,481
I thought I was amazing
at mail merge macros,
99
00:03:57,508 --> 00:04:00,448
but it turns out, I am not
amazing at mail merge macros.
100
00:04:00,514 --> 00:04:03,254
I'm headed to the supermarket.
You cuties need anything?
101
00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:04,659
Not now, Londra!
102
00:04:04,723 --> 00:04:07,233
- Okay.
- This is not your fault, Wolf.
103
00:04:07,294 --> 00:04:09,004
You're right. It's
Mom's fault for being
104
00:04:09,064 --> 00:04:10,944
the frong‐dong frog dong's worst.
105
00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:12,742
Just when things were
getting back to normal
106
00:04:12,805 --> 00:04:14,675
and we're about to add a
beautiful cup of honey
107
00:04:14,743 --> 00:04:16,553
to our Tobin tea, Mom has to come back
108
00:04:16,613 --> 00:04:18,123
and fart up the room again?
109
00:04:18,182 --> 00:04:20,522
Frickin' nards. Nards so hard.
110
00:04:20,588 --> 00:04:22,258
And Honeybee's family is coming.
111
00:04:22,324 --> 00:04:24,664
They're probably perfect like her.
112
00:04:24,729 --> 00:04:26,479
- What are we gonna do?
- Honeybee can't find out.
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00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,539
Uh, the last thing I want
is her worrying about this
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00:04:28,604 --> 00:04:30,474
on our wedding day. We can't tell Dad.
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00:04:30,541 --> 00:04:31,981
He's come so far since Mom left.
116
00:04:32,044 --> 00:04:33,814
Also, Ham and Moon might
not be able to take
117
00:04:33,881 --> 00:04:36,191
the emotional turmoil of
seeing our crap‐tastic mom
118
00:04:36,252 --> 00:04:37,322
after all this time.
119
00:04:37,387 --> 00:04:39,657
It's official: we cannot tell anyone
120
00:04:39,726 --> 00:04:41,556
Mom is maybe coming to the wedding!
121
00:04:41,630 --> 00:04:43,600
- What?
- Mom's coming to the wedding?
122
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:45,397
One Flew Over the Poo Poo's Nest.
123
00:04:45,470 --> 00:04:47,710
We are so bad at secrets.
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00:04:47,775 --> 00:04:48,775
Okay, gang,
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00:04:48,811 --> 00:04:50,191
thanks for meeting me in the panic room
126
00:04:50,213 --> 00:04:51,883
so Dad wouldn't find us. Judy?
127
00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:53,900
Okay, we need to figure out
if Mom's actually coming
128
00:04:53,921 --> 00:04:56,231
because all of our careful
wedding planning is at risk.
129
00:04:56,292 --> 00:04:58,632
All right, pull up Mom's blog.
130
00:04:58,697 --> 00:05:00,577
That's a picture of
Mom's wedding dress.
131
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,811
- Why does it say "MBA" on it?
- "Male Body Admirer."
132
00:05:03,874 --> 00:05:06,184
It's in pretty good shape
considering it's edible.
133
00:05:06,245 --> 00:05:07,915
Oh, man. And she laid it out on a bed.
134
00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,822
That's what women in
movies do with outfits
135
00:05:09,886 --> 00:05:11,386
they're gonna wear for big events.
136
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:13,155
Oh, look, a "contact us" number.
137
00:05:13,226 --> 00:05:14,796
And it's disconnected.
138
00:05:14,863 --> 00:05:16,703
Okay, so she must have
a new burner phone.
139
00:05:16,766 --> 00:05:18,836
Oh, my God, and there's no
way to get ahold of her.
140
00:05:18,904 --> 00:05:20,924
Oh, God, I'm freaking out. Oh,
she's gonna ruin my wedding.
141
00:05:20,941 --> 00:05:22,681
I'm not gonna get married.
142
00:05:22,745 --> 00:05:25,215
Wolf, this doesn't mean
she'll show up, okay?
143
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,153
You know what she's like.
She's a flake.
144
00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,730
She would've missed my birth
if it was medically possible.
145
00:05:29,792 --> 00:05:32,502
Let's just sign your phone
up to get blog updates
146
00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:33,835
so we can track her movements, eh?
147
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,467
You're right, yeah, you're right.
148
00:05:35,538 --> 00:05:37,518
The next blog update will
probably be her at Hersheypark
149
00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:39,682
pretending to take a dump
in the chocolate fountain.
150
00:05:39,746 --> 00:05:41,016
Uh‐huh. And in the meantime,
151
00:05:41,081 --> 00:05:43,551
let me just add, we do
not talk about this.
152
00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:44,890
Because if Dad finds out,
153
00:05:44,956 --> 00:05:47,086
he'll explode and melt
down at the same time.
154
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,800
And it's gonna be like...
155
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,441
And his eye will start doing
that tight twitchy thing.
156
00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:55,607
‐ ‐Hey!
157
00:05:55,678 --> 00:05:56,708
Oh, there you kids are.
158
00:05:56,780 --> 00:05:58,080
Hey, uh, Dad. Uh, y‐yeah.
159
00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:00,289
We were just, uh, reading
the whole Internet
160
00:06:00,353 --> 00:06:03,393
in the panic room as a family,
but, uh, we're all finished.
161
00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:04,859
Wow, that is impressive.
162
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:07,699
It seems like every day
there's a new AltaVista page.
163
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,808
Anyways, I'm working
on my wedding outfit.
164
00:06:09,872 --> 00:06:12,682
I sewed a collar onto this
novelty tuxedo T‐shirt.
165
00:06:12,745 --> 00:06:14,275
Can you tell it's not a real tuxedo?
166
00:06:14,348 --> 00:06:19,628
I can't. Oh, if I wasn't already
marrying Honeybee, I'd propose.
167
00:06:19,692 --> 00:06:21,702
Okay, so your name is Victor Garber,
168
00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:24,073
but you are not the actor Victor Garber
169
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:25,644
from the movie Titanic.
170
00:06:25,704 --> 00:06:27,744
Oh, you're in second grade? Okay.
171
00:06:27,808 --> 00:06:29,578
No, I agree, math is hard.
172
00:06:29,646 --> 00:06:32,616
Yeah, I like trains. Okay,
I'm gonna go now, Victor.
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00:06:32,685 --> 00:06:34,685
Mm‐hmm, I love you, too.
174
00:06:34,756 --> 00:06:36,126
You know, Billy Zane
175
00:06:36,191 --> 00:06:37,561
gave me mouth‐to‐mouth once
176
00:06:37,628 --> 00:06:39,668
when I choked on a dried
apricot at a jazz festival.
177
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,547
- Uh... - Judy, that story
178
00:06:41,552 --> 00:06:43,372
at least deserved a "Wow."
179
00:06:43,439 --> 00:06:44,579
What's bugging you?
180
00:06:44,642 --> 00:06:46,012
I think my mom is coming to town,
181
00:06:46,078 --> 00:06:47,918
which is terrible, for so many reasons.
182
00:06:47,982 --> 00:06:50,492
Most especially that she'll
ruin Wolf's wedding.
183
00:06:50,554 --> 00:06:51,974
What I really wish is
that there was a way
184
00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:53,460
we could just move the whole town.
185
00:06:53,527 --> 00:06:55,127
But it's like, I don't
know, do you think
186
00:06:55,163 --> 00:06:56,403
people would be up for that?
187
00:06:56,465 --> 00:06:58,035
Or you could just have
a shadow wedding.
188
00:06:58,102 --> 00:06:59,972
Is that where two shadows get married?
189
00:07:00,039 --> 00:07:02,239
I love it, it's gorgeous.
190
00:07:02,310 --> 00:07:03,660
Ugh, and then I'm thinking about it,
191
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:04,830
I'm just not sure how it would help.
192
00:07:04,849 --> 00:07:07,049
Oh, Judy. So much to learn from me.
193
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,090
A shadow wedding, or
really any shadow event,
194
00:07:09,157 --> 00:07:11,797
takes place at the same
time as the actual event,
195
00:07:11,863 --> 00:07:13,833
but, key difference,
it's for all the people
196
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,340
you don't want at the actual event.
197
00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:17,205
Hmm. Go on.
198
00:07:17,273 --> 00:07:18,913
I will. I myself have been shadowed
199
00:07:18,977 --> 00:07:21,007
on multiple occasions,
and it's very effective.
200
00:07:21,081 --> 00:07:23,691
I honestly don't know if I've
ever met the real version
201
00:07:23,754 --> 00:07:25,324
of my ten‐year‐old nephew Jandon.
202
00:07:25,390 --> 00:07:26,990
Well, if it would
protect Wolf's wedding,
203
00:07:27,026 --> 00:07:29,056
it's definitely worth considering.
204
00:07:29,131 --> 00:07:31,031
Oh, Judy, everything's
worth considering.
205
00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:33,041
Even that grown man
with bare feet riding
206
00:07:33,105 --> 00:07:35,205
the children's carousel.
207
00:07:35,276 --> 00:07:39,116
He's a pass for me right now,
but who knows about the future?
208
00:07:39,184 --> 00:07:42,064
And that's a shadow wedding.
Any questions?
209
00:07:42,123 --> 00:07:43,333
Sounds insane. I'm in.
210
00:07:43,392 --> 00:07:45,732
Hey, we're gonna have to
work overtime to protect Dad
211
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,268
and my queen‐bee‐to‐be from Mom.
212
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:49,473
Luckily, Honeybee's been so
busy with wedding stuff,
213
00:07:49,539 --> 00:07:51,339
she hasn't suspected
anything weird yet.
214
00:07:51,408 --> 00:07:54,348
And that's how we'll keep it.
But under no circumstances
215
00:07:54,414 --> 00:07:57,024
can Dad find out that Mom
is probably on her way here
216
00:07:57,086 --> 00:07:59,756
to ruin the wedding and
stomp all over his heart.
217
00:07:59,826 --> 00:08:01,296
- What?
- Not again.
218
00:08:01,361 --> 00:08:04,901
- Sisterhood of the Traveling Turds.
- Kathleen.
219
00:08:13,787 --> 00:08:18,227
It's the silence between the
moans that's most distressing.
220
00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:19,695
Hello, children.
221
00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:23,005
I was just taking a
nap, but I am fine now.
222
00:08:23,072 --> 00:08:25,782
I've pushed all the other
naps I want to take deep down
223
00:08:25,844 --> 00:08:28,024
so they won't ruin
Wolf's upcoming wedding.
224
00:08:28,082 --> 00:08:30,692
Great, because the wedding
train is leaving in 48 hours,
225
00:08:30,754 --> 00:08:32,634
and I need my dad on my caboose.
226
00:08:32,691 --> 00:08:34,001
Choo choo, son.
227
00:08:34,027 --> 00:08:35,997
- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Oh, no. What?
228
00:08:36,064 --> 00:08:37,874
There's a new post to Mom's blog.
229
00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,505
Oh, God. Mom's on a flight.
230
00:08:39,572 --> 00:08:42,612
And she's already three
plane‐aritas deep.
231
00:08:42,678 --> 00:08:43,878
Do you feel that, children?
232
00:08:43,947 --> 00:08:45,877
The way the wind has
stilled in the pines,
233
00:08:45,951 --> 00:08:48,721
and the caribou no longer
utters its lonely howl?
234
00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:50,830
She is set upon us.
235
00:08:50,894 --> 00:08:53,504
Okay. I was wondering what was up
236
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,067
with the wind stilling in the pines.
237
00:08:56,138 --> 00:08:57,778
I was looking for the
actress Kathy Bates.
238
00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:00,681
But you're a drag queen insult
comic named Kathy Berates?
239
00:09:00,747 --> 00:09:02,547
Hmm. I mean, it's not a no.
240
00:09:02,618 --> 00:09:03,788
Hold on, I got to take this.
241
00:09:03,853 --> 00:09:05,563
Hello? Oh, my gosh.
242
00:09:05,624 --> 00:09:08,264
You sound exactly how you
sounded in the movie.
243
00:09:08,329 --> 00:09:09,699
And you can actually come?
244
00:09:09,765 --> 00:09:10,965
Oh, I feel so powerful.
245
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:13,244
This must be how the iceberg felt.
246
00:09:13,305 --> 00:09:15,005
Okay, shadow wedding.
247
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:18,216
We need three things: location,
actors and decorations.
248
00:09:18,282 --> 00:09:20,192
And guess what? I know
where we can go for each.
249
00:09:20,252 --> 00:09:22,932
Dad, your involvement is
not to be involved at all.
250
00:09:22,992 --> 00:09:24,372
The last thing we need
is you seeing Mom
251
00:09:24,394 --> 00:09:26,244
at the shadow wedding and
falling under her spell.
252
00:09:26,264 --> 00:09:28,354
But there is a task that's
perfect for you to take on.
253
00:09:28,369 --> 00:09:31,909
You can give Honeybee's family a
tour of Lone Moose's hot spots
254
00:09:31,976 --> 00:09:34,146
and keep them distracted
while we do this.
255
00:09:34,214 --> 00:09:35,454
Be our man on the outside.
256
00:09:35,517 --> 00:09:37,257
Honeybee is picking them up
at the airport as we speak.
257
00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:39,216
I'm on it. I could take
them to the bowling alley
258
00:09:39,290 --> 00:09:41,140
and show them your
great‐grandmother's trophies.
259
00:09:41,161 --> 00:09:43,471
Then I could take them to our backyard,
260
00:09:43,533 --> 00:09:44,473
and show them her grave.
261
00:09:44,535 --> 00:09:46,505
And we could stop for a
nice lunch in between.
262
00:09:46,572 --> 00:09:48,282
Okay, hands in the middle, everyone.
263
00:09:48,342 --> 00:09:49,852
On three, everyone say,
264
00:09:49,912 --> 00:09:51,382
"Do a shadow wedding, trick Mom,
265
00:09:51,448 --> 00:09:52,848
"save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage,
266
00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:54,298
and everyone lives happily ever after."
267
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,660
- One, two, three.
- Do a shadow wedding.
268
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,326
- Trick Mom. Save Honeybee and
Wolf's marriage. Kathleen.
269
00:09:59,397 --> 00:10:01,937
- And everyone lives
happily ever after.
270
00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:04,343
- ...happily ever after.
- Perfect.
271
00:10:04,407 --> 00:10:06,877
Tobins, this is the Shaws.
272
00:10:09,819 --> 00:10:12,589
- A hug for you.
- Louis Shaw, pleased to meet you.
273
00:10:12,658 --> 00:10:14,068
Well, I'm gonna go spend some me time
274
00:10:14,094 --> 00:10:15,864
finishing up the wedding prep.
275
00:10:15,931 --> 00:10:17,771
- Have fun, guys.
- Enjoy your she time.
276
00:10:17,835 --> 00:10:20,065
And the four of us have to
go do something very normal
277
00:10:20,139 --> 00:10:21,689
and nobody should be
concerned about it.
278
00:10:21,709 --> 00:10:23,289
Why would they? That's boring.
279
00:10:23,312 --> 00:10:24,382
Okay, bye‐bye.
280
00:10:24,447 --> 00:10:26,047
Welp, that just leaves us, then.
281
00:10:26,118 --> 00:10:28,258
Today I'm gonna take
you on a guided tour
282
00:10:28,322 --> 00:10:30,732
of Lone Moose's finest attractions.
283
00:10:30,794 --> 00:10:32,934
The van is all warmed
up and I made you each
284
00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:35,038
a personal thermos of hot chocolate.
285
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:36,942
- Thank you, Keith.
- Uh, it's, uh, Beef.
286
00:10:37,006 --> 00:10:38,806
No, that's not a name.
287
00:10:38,877 --> 00:10:41,147
You know, Beef, as owners of
a curtain shop ourselves,
288
00:10:41,214 --> 00:10:43,354
I'd love to see an Alaskan
window covering store.
289
00:10:43,418 --> 00:10:45,033
- If you have one. - Oh, sure, we
290
00:10:45,038 --> 00:10:46,658
could stop by Count Drape‐ula.
291
00:10:46,726 --> 00:10:48,296
Now everyone buckle up.
292
00:10:48,362 --> 00:10:51,102
I always drive safely, but
if I see any gorgeous
293
00:10:51,168 --> 00:10:53,908
natural scenery, I may
gently tap the brakes
294
00:10:53,973 --> 00:10:56,243
so that we can partake.
295
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,740
Welp, the Shaws were
riveted by the tour.
296
00:11:24,802 --> 00:11:27,412
And I learned that the
inventor of the curtain rod
297
00:11:27,473 --> 00:11:29,613
was coincidentally named Rod.
298
00:11:29,678 --> 00:11:31,578
- He was also a murderer.
- Aw, what fun.
299
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,419
Now let's go over the shadow
wedding plan one last time.
300
00:11:34,487 --> 00:11:36,057
We'll park the Mighty Kathleen
301
00:11:36,124 --> 00:11:38,934
and the newly decorated shadow
wedding boat on opposite ends
302
00:11:38,997 --> 00:11:40,877
of the dock, where they
aren't visible to each other.
303
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,241
- When Mom arrives...
- My true love
304
00:11:43,305 --> 00:11:45,305
and the most handsome teen
in Lone Moose, Crispin‐‐
305
00:11:45,342 --> 00:11:47,812
love you, Big C‐‐ will
be there to head her off
306
00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:49,631
with three complimentary
glasses of champagne.
307
00:11:49,652 --> 00:11:51,022
Which will instantly
308
00:11:51,087 --> 00:11:52,557
send her to the "party zone,"
309
00:11:52,624 --> 00:11:55,604
where she is, you know, less
apt to question anything.
310
00:11:55,664 --> 00:11:58,604
Crispin will then golf‐cart her
to the shadow wedding boat.
311
00:11:58,670 --> 00:12:00,450
Where we'll be waiting along
with the shadow guests
312
00:12:00,472 --> 00:12:02,742
and wedding party played
by Judy's improv troupe.
313
00:12:02,811 --> 00:12:04,251
I'll escort Mom to her seat
314
00:12:04,314 --> 00:12:05,924
in the front row and await my bride,
315
00:12:05,984 --> 00:12:07,854
who is being played by Zoya.
316
00:12:07,921 --> 00:12:09,361
Hello. We make wedding now?
317
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:11,364
From there, the wedding begins.
318
00:12:11,428 --> 00:12:12,998
And it goes perfectly.
319
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,635
Then we all make our exit to head
320
00:12:14,702 --> 00:12:16,772
to the real wedding as the
boat sets sail with Mom,
321
00:12:16,839 --> 00:12:18,609
Zoya and all the shadow guests aboard
322
00:12:18,676 --> 00:12:20,876
for the quote, unquote "reception."
323
00:12:20,947 --> 00:12:22,617
Bon voyage, B words!
324
00:12:22,684 --> 00:12:24,894
And once the shadow wedding
boat is on the water,
325
00:12:24,955 --> 00:12:26,725
if Mom asks anyone
where her family went,
326
00:12:26,792 --> 00:12:29,732
they know to say, "They went‐a
thatta way," while gesturing
327
00:12:29,798 --> 00:12:32,508
- with their thumbs like in the Three
Stoog‐ies. At the end of the night,
328
00:12:32,537 --> 00:12:35,277
when we've pulled it all off,
we'll have a happy Honeybee,
329
00:12:35,342 --> 00:12:37,512
a bamboozled Mom and
two perfect weddings.
330
00:12:37,581 --> 00:12:39,551
Any questions? No? Okay, great.
331
00:12:39,618 --> 00:12:41,938
I grabbed this wedding dress
from the drama wardrobe closet
332
00:12:41,989 --> 00:12:44,389
at school from when we did M.
Butterfly. Wolf?
333
00:12:44,460 --> 00:12:46,800
Could you snow‐machine
this over to Zoya's house?
334
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,536
Oh, man.
335
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:49,943
What are we doing?
336
00:12:50,005 --> 00:12:52,605
Looking at this perfect
costume wedding dress
337
00:12:52,677 --> 00:12:54,147
that isn't for my actual bride
338
00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:55,583
makes me realize that even though
339
00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:58,120
Mom's not here, she's still
got us running around
340
00:12:58,188 --> 00:13:00,388
like a bunch of chickens
with our butts cut off.
341
00:13:00,459 --> 00:13:02,059
I don't want to start my marriage off
342
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,269
with a bunch of bing‐bong
lies to my wife.
343
00:13:04,333 --> 00:13:06,173
I need to tell her that Mom said yes
344
00:13:06,237 --> 00:13:07,907
and we're doing the shadow wedding.
345
00:13:07,974 --> 00:13:10,114
We got to come clean to
the Shaws that I'm going
346
00:13:10,179 --> 00:13:11,879
to be marrying two women in one day
347
00:13:11,949 --> 00:13:14,589
because we're basically a
band of no‐good grifters
348
00:13:14,655 --> 00:13:16,785
with a terrible family secret!
349
00:13:16,859 --> 00:13:17,789
- What?!
- Oh, no.
350
00:13:17,861 --> 00:13:18,961
- Oh, boy.
- Keith!
351
00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:21,400
Oh, good, now they already know.
352
00:13:25,442 --> 00:13:27,552
And then Mom pantsed the
sheriff when she couldn't
353
00:13:27,614 --> 00:13:29,084
calm down at my science fair.
354
00:13:29,150 --> 00:13:30,850
And then she took his gun.
355
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,420
I had to give my ribbon back.
356
00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:34,160
Oh, no! Not your ribbon!
357
00:13:34,227 --> 00:13:36,227
God herself couldn't take my ribbon.
358
00:13:36,297 --> 00:13:38,237
So, in summation, Mom's
the frickin' worst
359
00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:40,111
and will ruin our wedding if she shows
360
00:13:40,172 --> 00:13:41,582
and, so, yeah, that's why we planned
361
00:13:41,642 --> 00:13:43,212
this whole shadow wedding thing.
362
00:13:43,278 --> 00:13:45,078
Okay, I agree‐‐ your mom is bad.
363
00:13:45,149 --> 00:13:46,749
But, Wolf, honey, you
can't throw a big,
364
00:13:46,819 --> 00:13:48,259
elaborate shadow wedding
365
00:13:48,321 --> 00:13:50,001
- just because she might show up.
- It's just that,
366
00:13:50,025 --> 00:13:52,395
I'm not saying we were a
disaster before you showed up,
367
00:13:52,463 --> 00:13:54,133
but we kind of had, I don't know,
368
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,670
low family self‐esteem.
369
00:13:55,737 --> 00:13:58,537
So you coming into our lives,
you make everything great,
370
00:13:58,609 --> 00:14:01,079
and I guess we all just got
a little scared of, well,
371
00:14:01,147 --> 00:14:02,347
losing you. I just wanted‐‐
372
00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:04,346
I mean, we all just wanted to make sure
373
00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:06,470
it was the perfect night for
you and your perfect family.
374
00:14:06,491 --> 00:14:08,961
You think we're a perfect family?
375
00:14:09,030 --> 00:14:11,270
Of course. I mean, look at you guys.
376
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:14,214
Look at your slacks‐‐ you
all have nice slacks.
377
00:14:14,273 --> 00:14:16,313
Oh, we are far from perfect.
Isn't that right?
378
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,417
Louis, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.
379
00:14:18,481 --> 00:14:21,321
I farted on the couch one
time about 17 years ago.
380
00:14:21,387 --> 00:14:23,157
And these two never let me forget it.
381
00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:24,995
We had eaten some egg salad.
382
00:14:25,062 --> 00:14:26,572
I called the fire department.
383
00:14:26,632 --> 00:14:28,842
I thought there was an
electrical fire in the walls.
384
00:14:28,903 --> 00:14:30,223
We tried to reupholster the couch,
385
00:14:30,272 --> 00:14:31,912
but it had gotten into the bones.
386
00:14:31,976 --> 00:14:34,276
Oh, Wolf, just because we
own an amazing business
387
00:14:34,347 --> 00:14:36,217
and dress well, we're
still not perfect.
388
00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:38,524
No one is. We've got
some truly unique people
389
00:14:38,589 --> 00:14:39,959
in our family, too.
390
00:14:40,025 --> 00:14:41,425
My cousin Brenda, for instance.
391
00:14:41,494 --> 00:14:44,274
She swears wholeheartedly
that she's the Zodiac Killer.
392
00:14:44,333 --> 00:14:46,643
The timeline doesn't
work, but she insists.
393
00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:49,405
And sometimes I'll use a breath
mint instead of deodorant.
394
00:14:49,477 --> 00:14:52,017
I just suck on it for a second,
then stick it to my pit.
395
00:14:52,082 --> 00:14:53,822
- Jerry!
- I know!
396
00:14:53,886 --> 00:14:55,456
- Jerry.
- I know.
397
00:14:55,523 --> 00:14:57,463
See, babe, no one's
judging you but you.
398
00:14:57,527 --> 00:14:59,297
Actually, now that I think about it,
399
00:14:59,363 --> 00:15:00,773
this thing with your mom is great.
400
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,643
I mean, we're havinga
Titanic ‐themed wedding,
401
00:15:02,704 --> 00:15:05,514
and your mom is our iceberg.
And if she tries to ruin
402
00:15:05,576 --> 00:15:08,176
our wedding and we get married
and we stay married anyway,
403
00:15:08,248 --> 00:15:09,658
then we're the Unsinkable Molly Brown.
404
00:15:09,685 --> 00:15:12,155
It's proof that we can
survive anything together.
405
00:15:12,222 --> 00:15:14,162
We'll be even stronger
than Jack and Rose,
406
00:15:14,226 --> 00:15:16,526
because Jack voluntarily
drowned near a door.
407
00:15:16,598 --> 00:15:19,038
All right, I'll tell everyone
that the shadow wedding's off.
408
00:15:19,103 --> 00:15:20,943
Let the storm come.
409
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:22,537
Blow, winds, blow!
410
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:24,250
Crack your cheeks.
411
00:15:24,313 --> 00:15:25,873
Sorry, I just played
King Lear recently,
412
00:15:25,917 --> 00:15:28,387
and the character hasn't left me.
413
00:15:40,747 --> 00:15:43,347
Huh, kind of thought Mom
would be here by now.
414
00:15:43,418 --> 00:15:45,128
I'm sure she's just waiting
in her car so she can
415
00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:47,355
make a late entrance and
draw attention to herself.
416
00:15:47,426 --> 00:15:50,466
She's no doubt tucking her
own skirt into her underwear
417
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:53,513
for a classic Kathleen cheek peek.
418
00:15:53,572 --> 00:15:57,082
Okay, welp, let's go
get our Wolf married.
419
00:16:13,612 --> 00:16:16,422
Frickin' beautiful Honeybee!
420
00:16:18,622 --> 00:16:20,732
Frickin' beautiful door!
421
00:16:20,793 --> 00:16:23,063
Friends and family, we
are gathered here today
422
00:16:23,131 --> 00:16:24,671
in the year 1912 on this,
423
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:27,244
the unsinkable ship,
to celebrate the love
424
00:16:27,306 --> 00:16:28,976
of Wolf "King of the World" Tobin
425
00:16:29,043 --> 00:16:30,683
and Honeybee "Spit Like a Man" Shaw.
426
00:16:30,746 --> 00:16:33,646
Just like the constrictor
knot, which can be impossible
427
00:16:33,719 --> 00:16:35,819
to untie once it is
tightened, and only grows
428
00:16:35,890 --> 00:16:39,700
tighter when pulled, so shall
your love grow tighter.
429
00:16:39,764 --> 00:16:42,544
Oh. Now that man can tie a knot.
430
00:16:42,604 --> 00:16:43,944
Ay, chihuahua.
431
00:16:44,006 --> 00:16:45,276
And that is exactly why
432
00:16:45,342 --> 00:16:47,012
blind brackets come in packs of two,
433
00:16:47,079 --> 00:16:49,989
to support each other, because
it takes two to make it work.
434
00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:51,451
Just like in marriage.
435
00:16:51,522 --> 00:16:53,602
If I would've known she was
gonna talk about brackets,
436
00:16:53,626 --> 00:16:56,356
I would've brought extra tissues.
437
00:16:56,430 --> 00:16:58,840
True love straight ahead!
438
00:17:01,909 --> 00:17:04,649
And now Wolf and Honeybee
will exchange their vows...
439
00:17:04,714 --> 00:17:06,894
in the form of some of their
favorite movie quotes.
440
00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:10,492
Honeybee, commenting in that
online famous movie quotes
441
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,130
message board was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
442
00:17:13,197 --> 00:17:15,237
Because it brought me to
you, and now we both found
443
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:18,612
something we love more than
quotes from movies‐‐ each other.
444
00:17:18,676 --> 00:17:20,646
We're gonna need a bigger boat...
for our love
445
00:17:20,713 --> 00:17:22,183
and someday our kids.
446
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,719
Because life moves pretty fast.
447
00:17:23,786 --> 00:17:25,666
If you don't stop and get
married once in a while,
448
00:17:25,690 --> 00:17:27,290
you might miss the love of your life.
449
00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:29,359
And I will always show you the money!
450
00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:30,880
And by "money," I mean "understanding."
451
00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:33,770
Standing in front of a Bee,
asking her to love him.
452
00:17:33,839 --> 00:17:35,249
That's not a ring.
453
00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:37,145
This is a ring.
454
00:17:39,116 --> 00:17:40,046
Tacky.
455
00:17:40,118 --> 00:17:41,588
At this time,
456
00:17:41,655 --> 00:17:43,985
we ask that anyone that
should object to this union
457
00:17:44,059 --> 00:17:45,859
speak now or forever hold your...
458
00:17:45,930 --> 00:17:47,500
Ah, dang, am I late?
459
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,067
Did I miss the cocktail hour?
460
00:17:50,372 --> 00:17:53,552
- Here we go.
- Dear God. Kathleen ahoy.
461
00:17:57,419 --> 00:18:00,689
Oh, that's not Kathleen.
462
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,030
Who the hell is that?
463
00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:03,455
Maybe this'll ring a bell.
464
00:18:05,569 --> 00:18:07,309
Oh. My. God.
465
00:18:07,372 --> 00:18:09,442
- Honeybee, you didn't.
- Oh, I did.
466
00:18:09,511 --> 00:18:11,351
I'd know that cry anywhere!
467
00:18:11,414 --> 00:18:12,954
It's the actress who played the baby
468
00:18:13,017 --> 00:18:16,457
Billy Zane grabbed to try to get
on the rescue boats in Titanic!
469
00:18:16,525 --> 00:18:18,795
Oh, remember he ran all
over the deck saying,
470
00:18:18,862 --> 00:18:20,572
"I have a child. I have a child."
471
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,343
Oh, man, you're my second favorite
472
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:23,922
background character after Irish Mommy.
473
00:18:23,939 --> 00:18:26,849
Okay, would you like a plaintive
wail or some quiet sobbing?
474
00:18:26,912 --> 00:18:28,922
Oh, quiet sobbing, please.
475
00:18:31,087 --> 00:18:32,317
Wow!
476
00:18:32,389 --> 00:18:34,229
Houston, we have a marriage.
477
00:18:34,293 --> 00:18:36,703
You may now kiss each other.
478
00:18:38,401 --> 00:18:40,971
Luke...
479
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,910
I am your husband.
480
00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:46,549
Luke...
481
00:18:46,618 --> 00:18:48,518
I am your wife.
482
00:18:48,589 --> 00:18:50,589
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my great honor
483
00:18:50,659 --> 00:18:52,759
to present to you for
the very first time,
484
00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:56,270
Mr. and Mrs. Wolf and
Honeybee Shaw‐Tobin!
485
00:19:04,954 --> 00:19:08,834
Come on, you two, the window's
not gonna fog itself up.
486
00:19:08,896 --> 00:19:10,296
Don't make me come in there.
487
00:19:10,365 --> 00:19:11,935
Okay, I'm coming in.
488
00:19:14,039 --> 00:19:16,109
I for one am glad Mom didn't bother
489
00:19:16,177 --> 00:19:18,177
to show up for my
once‐in‐a‐lifetime wedding.
490
00:19:18,247 --> 00:19:19,517
It's, you know, it's good.
491
00:19:19,584 --> 00:19:21,154
Definitely, uh... for‐for the best.
492
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:23,590
Is it weird that maybe
I feel kind of sad?
493
00:19:23,659 --> 00:19:25,089
Oh, I'm not sad.
494
00:19:25,161 --> 00:19:26,831
I just have this hollow, lonely feeling
495
00:19:26,898 --> 00:19:28,068
in the pit of my stomach.
496
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:29,544
Luckily, I was so young
497
00:19:29,604 --> 00:19:31,644
when Mom left that I don't feel‐‐
498
00:19:31,708 --> 00:19:33,408
Yeah, I'm bummed.
499
00:19:33,477 --> 00:19:35,417
Yeah, me, too. Why do
we feel like this?
500
00:19:35,481 --> 00:19:37,521
Because, sure, she's messed up,
501
00:19:37,587 --> 00:19:38,887
but she's still your mom.
502
00:19:38,956 --> 00:19:41,596
Being filled with dread
that Kathleen will appear
503
00:19:41,661 --> 00:19:44,771
and then disappointment
when she doesn't is normal.
504
00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:46,844
And terrible. And normal.
505
00:19:46,905 --> 00:19:49,435
I know what you're going
through, but look around.
506
00:19:49,510 --> 00:19:51,850
Everyone that's supposed to be here is.
507
00:19:51,915 --> 00:19:53,075
This is a good day.
508
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,320
It is Kathleen who is missing out.
509
00:19:55,388 --> 00:19:56,728
You know, Dad, you're right.
510
00:19:56,791 --> 00:19:58,661
It's better that Mom didn't show up.
511
00:19:58,729 --> 00:20:00,429
She would have definitely ruined today.
512
00:20:00,498 --> 00:20:02,268
She probably would have.
513
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,905
But your mother wasn't all bad.
514
00:20:03,972 --> 00:20:07,412
She did give me the four things
I love most in this world.
515
00:20:07,479 --> 00:20:09,479
Oh, do you mean our set
of limited edition
516
00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:10,850
Betty Boop ceramic plates?
517
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,560
- Nah, she took those with her.
- Damn it.
518
00:20:13,625 --> 00:20:16,225
I mean the four of you kids.
519
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,310
Do you trust me, Honeybee?
520
00:20:23,377 --> 00:20:24,647
I trust you.
521
00:20:24,714 --> 00:20:26,654
- Do you trust me, Wolf?
- I trust you.
522
00:20:26,718 --> 00:20:28,788
- Do you trust me, Ham?
- I trust you.
523
00:20:28,855 --> 00:20:30,985
- Do you trust me, Dad?
- I trust you.
524
00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:32,930
Do you trust us, Shaws?
525
00:20:32,997 --> 00:20:34,597
We trust you!
526
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,147
Okay, I'm following the rule of thirds.
527
00:20:36,170 --> 00:20:37,530
Didn't forget to capture the depth.
528
00:20:37,573 --> 00:20:39,083
And I've got everyone's good sides.
529
00:20:39,142 --> 00:20:41,952
Okay, this is looking good. And
timer's set! Everyone hold!
530
00:20:42,015 --> 00:20:43,515
Huh, would you look at that.
531
00:20:43,585 --> 00:20:44,945
Mom's blog just updated.
532
00:20:45,021 --> 00:20:47,461
She's drinking at a
Wetzel's Pretzels in Tulsa.
533
00:20:47,526 --> 00:20:48,756
Bad news for Tulsa.
534
00:20:48,829 --> 00:20:51,129
Move your booty, here comes Judy.
535
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,970
Okay. On three, everyone say,
536
00:20:53,037 --> 00:20:54,977
"Today turned out perfectly,
and we didn't even have to
537
00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:56,648
"do the shadow wedding, which
was a good move because
538
00:20:56,678 --> 00:20:58,018
Mom didn't even end
up showing up and..."
539
00:20:58,047 --> 00:20:59,577
‐ ‐
540
00:20:59,650 --> 00:21:02,420
Jandon, it's your aunt, Alyson.
This song is for you.
541
00:21:30,779 --> 00:21:32,779
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
542
00:21:32,850 --> 00:21:35,120
and TOYOTA.
40216
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