Original subtitles

MY HUSBAND THE GHOST

- Are you ready? - Just a second, darling!

It's 10.30, we're going to miss the dawn.

Here I am!

My wife, a high fashion genius and champion of dynamism!

Say goodbye to this nameplate, Gianni. A new story's beginning for this name!

We haven't managed to live our love story and you want to start another.

It concerns both of us, you'll see.

- But Vivia, You don't mean you're...? - My lips are sealed. It's a surprise!

- Oh, my love. I'm stupid, I... - I don't want to talk about it.

I'll tell you this evening. Are you working at the paper this morning?

Not first thing in the morning! These words, paper, work... they make me...

Oh what a worker! I'd have already done three designs by this time.

- Yeah, but you're a volcano! - Hold that please.

What are you doing? Don't act the clown.

You're always doing it!

Don't I look like an old hag?

Come on, it's late!

What a pity! Not even an old woman can touch your stony heart!

Why do you always have to dress up?

You must have been born at Mardi Gras.

I was born on a Saturday and I love Sundays.

If you please...

- Morning Miss Vivia, if you please! - If you please.

Good morning Gaetano!

Have a good day at work, sir, if you please.

Work? No, it doesn't please me.

It's too early. Goodbye Gaetano.

How far are you taking me?

After our morning drink we'll go our separate ways.

- I see. So hubby has to walk again. - Sweetheart, I'm very busy.

At 10.30, I'll met Mrs Littazzi, then the upholsters.

At 10.35 I have to phone... Mrs Dominedio's waiting for me.

At 11.30 the models. Then there's that thing, but Mrs Dominedio'll do that...

Then Mrs Dominedio... Don't, we'll get a fine!

Anything's better than hearing about Mrs Dominedio again!

"Dominedio"! Dear God, What a name.

Everybody wants to meet her. She's got Rome in the palm of her hand.

Poor Rome, look whose hands it's fallen into!

It must be fate that we never spend any time together.

I've never got enough time to tell you how much I love you,

what I feel inside.

Darling, I feel like I've got a box of love here, inside my chest.

But it's not an unsettling kind of love It's like a cat scratching up and down.

Good morning Mrs Vivia. Always on time. The usual?

- Yes, but a huge one, please. - Good morning, Mr Alfredo.

- An enormous one for you, too? - Yes, an enormous one.

Listen, I was trying to describe what I feel inside.

- It's like emptiness... - You mus be hungry. Have a sandwich.

It's like a dark, empty box. But it's a nice darkness.

- The problem is there's a cat. - I see.

The cat's trying to get out.

What all this about a cat? Darling, stay out for lunch today.

But no spaghetti, mind! You're getting fatter.

And don't come home before 7pm. There's a surprise!

- You're making me wait so long? - It will change our lives.

Can I ask just one question?

- Do you prefer pink or blue? - Havana, I think.

- Havana? - Wait till tonight!

- What is it darling? - Now there are two cats!

- Like a drop of cognac? - Two cats.

- Two cats? - Two cat-gnacs!

- Mr Alberti's right here. - What is it?

He says it's the newspaper.

It's the paper Gianni, answer. Don't be such a lazybones!

- Hello? - Morning, the newsdesk for you.

I've found him. You can speak to him. My most humble obsequiences!

I was about to call the police. Where have you been?

Are you awake? Open your ears, this time.

Your voice is really scary. Speak a bit softer!

Come on, you're already late. Get a taxi to Ponte Sisto, now.

The police are arresting The Butcher. Move! Bring the photographer.

Write it down. Largo Ponte Sisto.

- Where do I have to go? - "Largo", sir.

"Largo", like Figaro!

What's it to you, you pain!

Keep your hair on! I'm speaking in the interests of the paper.

Ponte Sisto. Like the pope!

Ok, got it. Ponte Sisto. With a photographer!

I'm starting to feel ill.

Gimme a cat-gnac!

Don't you think it's dangerous? Won't they shoot?

Get off. Who do you think I am? The Madonna of Rest?

That's it!

What! Are you crazy? Give it back. He's coming out with guts on his hands.

Guts on his hands...

Let me go! Let me go!

That's Ginetta!

That's the woman!

- Save me sir, please! - Come on, quick.

Stop, stop!

- Damn it, they've fooled us! - Wasn't that Alberti of the Gazette?

He got one over on all of you, eh? Smart lad!

Oh, you must have been sent by God.

No. The editor of the newspaper. But never mind.

Are you a journalist? I'm afraid of journalists!

Only afraid? I can't stand them.

Anyway, seeing as you're here, would you like to say a few words?

Now, you're The Butcher's girlfriend.

I mean... I'm sure he's a good guy.

- Oh yeah, a saint! - Does he perform miracles?

Don't take the mickey!

What's happened to me? I must have been born unlucky.

- Come on, be brave. - Get off me, you journalist!

Don't worry. I won't ask anything.

Be kind, don't write that I was there too.

I won't write a thing. I promise.

- You seem like an intelligent man. - Intelligent?

That's a first! I'll just jot it down.

You make me laugh!

If only I could at least go home.

I've got an aunt in San Giovanni della Collina...

Near Grosseto?

I've got a big white house that you see when you come into the village.

I haven't been there for ages.

If only you knew. First hunger, then the bombings.

My dad was ok...

But the Germans killed his cows and now I have no money for my bus fare!

Don't let it get you down!

- You're nice. What's your name? - Gianni. Usually they call me "Oi!"

THE ROME GAZETTE

You won't believe it but it's true. He got her in the taxi in a flash,

- We'll see. But what's got into him? - He's brighter than he looks.

Gianni Alberti? I'm his uncle from Grosseto! I'm delighted!

- Delighted about what? - Delighted to meet you!

- Is he coming back soon? - So you're Alberti from Grosseto.

The younger branch of the family.

My cousin's uncle's first wife was an Alberti!

- Oh really? - Oh what a coincidence!

If he doesn't come back we won't be out of here till midnight!

I've left a column. I've got someone who's jumped from the fourth floor,

The editor told us to wait.

- I can't take all this money! - Please, take it. You might need it.

And have an ice cream, too.

- One ice cream! - Right away!

What have I done to deserve you?

See, you're not so unlucky.

Here.

Please, don't!

- Don't you like hazelnut? - It's not that...

- Strawberry! - Strawberry, please.

They make great ice creams opposite the post office in San Giovanni?

- Thanks. - Say hello to the palm trees for me!

Have a good trip!

Is Alberti's article coming?

- If not, I'll put an ad in. - We're waiting for the great event!

- Here he is. - Good morning, Vicenzo.

- Hurry up. Everyone is feverish. - Feverish? Try some aspirin.

It's so hot! It's impossible to work in this heat.

I wanted to go the gardens for the daisy exhibition!

Shall we have a glass of tamarind?

- Well? What did the girl say? - What girl?

The Butcher's! Where's the article?

Ah, of course. Poor girl, let's leave her in peace. She's been through enough.

Imagine, her house was destroyed by bombs and two brothers were killed.

She's so young. And pregnant.

She's from San Giovanni! I've got some relative there.

About 8km from Grosseto.

If they shout "Eh oh!" from up there you can hear it on the plain!

Oh really? I think they'll hear the editor up in the mountains soon!

Mr Alberti,

a man says he's your uncle. But he seems a bit stupid.

- Then it must be him! - Gianni, it's me!

I've been waiting for you for an hour. Give me a hug!

I've come from Grosseto. I've brought you... Come in!

Hello? Newsdesk. No, I'm not here. Oh, it's you editor. Of course!

Wait here! He's furious.

Abandon all hope, oh ye who enter.

Dante! The newsdesk hasn't destroyed your soul.

- There's still hope. - Not much, not much.

Come in.

Good morning, sir.

- Here I am. - Sit down, my dear friend.

Thank you.

So you're not from Rome...

Not really...

My family is from San Giovanni, near Grosseto.

And if someone in San Giovanni shouts, you can hear it in Grosseto.

Ah, so you know too! I had a bet on it, you just shout...

And did you tell the girl to shout?

What girl? Oh, that poor thing! She didn't even have the bus fare.

I didn't have much money either, but when you see some people...

You know, she didn't even want an ice cream!

Well, she wanted a strawberry one.

And how do you want yours?

- Are you talking to me? - Yes, how do you want

the kick in the backside that'll send you out of here!

No, don't get angry!

Of course? What should I do? Laugh? You had a scoop on your hands.

- And you... - But I...

Shut up! Get out of my sight!

- You're sending me away? - Get out of this room!

- Ah, only out of the room? - Out, before I throw something at you!

I'm so sorry to see you angry. I'll come back later...

- Out! - Or perhaps not at all?

Go, go, get out!

- Then "He jumped from the 4th floor." - He's angry, but not that much.

- Did you sack me or not? - Out!

He might do it. What a loss!

It's a terrible job. Police, hospitals, prisons...

- And the way they look at you! - Who? There's nobody here.

They don't say anything, you have to invent it.

The public wants all the dirt. Is he a murderer? Is he a thief?

- With tuberculosis? - Who's got tuberculosis? I'm worried!

Great job, eh?

Well, it's dynamic. Lots going on. Strange people. Original. Artists!

- Forget the art uncle! - Why are you so angry?

You need a rest.

Come to Grosseto with Vivia! You'd like it.

We're growing Victoria pears this year, with double pruning!

Oh, I'm just angry.

I don't understand. Did that maniac sack me or not?

I hope that day will come soon.

It's a sign. Vivia's about to become a mum and I'm free.

- Vivia's about to become a mum? - Yes!

- Then you're about to become a dad. - I hope so.

We'll all come to Grosseto. Vivia has to spend these months in peace.

- So will I be a granddad? - No, you'll still be an uncle.

- Oh, pity. Are you sure about Vivia? - She'll tell me tonight.

- It's a surprise, but I've guessed it. - Women are just incredible!

- What a great idea! Take a holiday! - I have other plans.

You can come live in Grosseto and you'll help me with the pears.

Look. Aren't they fantastic?

Beautiful!

- What lovely pears. - How much are they a kilo?

You ignorant, these'll go to the Brussels exhibition!

If you have a girl, you should call her Victoria, like my pears.

How stupid I am! I can't meet Vivia empty-handed.

- I need a present. - No, uncle. Come back.

I'll meet you at home!

Sorry.

- Congratulations, if you please. - What? You know already!

Well, it wasn't difficult to notice. Goodbye, if you please.

Yes, I'm pleased.

Dr. Alberti?

I finally have the honour of meeting you in person.

The honour is all mine, Colonel. Headache?

Migraine. Shock. Insomnia.

You know what my head does? Tac tac. Do you see, doctor?

An ice pack!

Yes, but I'm not a medical doctor. I've a degree in farming.

If you have any plants that are sick...

How are your corns, Colonel?

Stop messing about!

Someone must take responsibility for what's going on.

Responsibility? I don't understand.

You'll understand when I report you to the tenants' association!

Sorry.

Nearer the wall. More to the left.

Haven't they brought the table up?

The table? You do spiritualist sessions.

A bit less spirit from you, my lad! Aren't you the upholsterer?

No, I'm the husband of...

Husband? I'm not interested. I've not been interested in husbands for years.

- Who's that woman? - Don't you know? It's Mme Duparc.

- Great. And you? - I'm a model.

My name's Maria Blonde. But I'm not Maria Blonde.

It's a made-up name. Do you like it? And who are you?

I'm supposed to be a journalist, in fact I'm not, but I am.

A journalist? You're here already? That's amazing!

Madame! The journalists are here already!

- What is it? - The journalists are here!

- What are you doing here? - Do you know him? Isn't he sweet?

Darling, I told you not to come home before 7pm.

Yes, but something happened and I had to tell you.

Can't you see I'm busy?

But what are you doing? And at a time like this!

- In your condition. - What "condition"?

- You told me it was a surprise. - Yes, can't you see?

That's the surprise...

Let's go and sit down.

What did you think?

Nothing, something nice.

You don't find them just lying about.

Sorry, I'd forgotten my tools.

Anyone else down there? What's this apocalypse about?

Good day!

I thought you'd be happy, darling. It's a great day for me!

I'm self-employed now. "Vivia's Fashion House"

It's always about yourself. Will it ever be about us?

Today is a great day for me too. I got the sack!

- What are you saying? - I'm not sure, but I hope so.

Stop messing about. It's all down to Mrs Dominedio.

And who else if not her?

Oh well, no children!

- What children? - You talked about a new life.

And you thought...

I come home expecting a baby and I find the apocalypse!

Oh well, some other time. Do I look like my granddad?

So madam, is it definitely decided? Shall we go for the Havana?

- Sorry? Oh yes! I've decided. - Merci, madame.

So who's that old bird?

It's Mme Duparc. I stole her from Mary. She's a great manager.

- Imagine, Mrs Dominedio... - Dominedio!

If Mrs Dominedio could make you realise how important you are for me,

you wouldn't be so interested in Havana. My hair looks good!

- When I told you about the cat... - Am I interrupting?

- Don't worry. I was just passing. - Journalists are such fun!

Always joking around.

There's an old man here who says he's your uncle.

Shall I throw him out?

Anyone home?

Anyone home?

Uncle Villa!

There are little kiddies in the air!

Is it a boy or a girl?

A little girl was born, with a rose in her hand...

No, Uncle Villa.

Oh it's just talk. But her first present will be from me.

Thank you. Come here.

Oh Gianni!

I thought we'd celebrate today, but I'm about to cry.

- Tears of joy are blessed ones. - Perhaps we'll both cry.

Did you tell him? Then you really thought so.

- I wasn't joking this time. - Thank you, Uncle Villa.

This is not the right time, but it will happen soon.

- Perhaps before the year is out. - A year?

With all these delays, these strikes!

- It'll happen, won't it? - It'll happen.

Look.

Oh, how beautiful! It suits me.

But I'd add some bows.

It suits me too. I look like Napoleon with a mini-Napoleon!

What a perfect couple! We'll all go to Grosseto.

Look at our new grafting technique.

You shouldn't have. What an enormous pear!

No! What are you doing? It's for the Brussels exhibition

But in your condition... Go on, eat it.

But Vivia, Uncle Villa will want to unpack his suitcases.

The bathroom's full of stuff.

I told you not before 7pm.

Go have lunch. But no spaghetti!

- Then what shall I do? - Go to the newspaper, no?

- They've finally given me the sack! - The sack?

- You're crazy, Gianni! The sack? - I'm pretty certain.

So you've done it again! What a man!

Don't get angry. We'll talk about it later.

- Shall we go, Uncle Villa. - But what's going on?

- I sacked the newspaper editor today. - Well done!

- Yes? Let's go and live it up! - Great. Bye Vivia.

See you later. And think about the baby!

- They've sacked my husband. - He didn't look a very promising type.

You don't understand. I did my best for him to have a career.

I can't see him hanging around.

You must help me!

Which newspaper availed itself of his services, so to speak?

The Rome Gazette.

Credito Romano, Magnoni family, Cartiere Abbruzzesi...

Senator Guarnieri is a close friend of the owner.

The one with the beard? The lunatic doctor? Mrs Dominedio's cousin!

There we go! Where's the phone?

31-1-1-1.

Hello. Vivia Alberti here. Who's that? Archangel?

Isn't it the Dominedio house? The driver! Is madam there? Thanks.

That was the driver.

Yes, madam. Thank you.

I have to ask you another favour. A really big one!

The usual people again.

They're important people, you'll see.

Don't you understand you're the only one who's important to me?

These ties never sit right.

Today, I thought something else important was going to happen to us.

I prefer the ones with the knot.

When the cat inside me heard what you said this morning,

he began to get so worked up inside.

What's all this about a cat? If you want a cat, we'll buy one!

You're too busy to understand me. And it's not so difficult.

This evening I'd have liked to go to a little restaurant with you.

Just us. Like we used to do.

Don't I look like a 19th century gent?

It was a terrible day, it could have been a nice evening.

But darling, they're people who'll be good for your career.

- It's lucky that Mrs Dominedio... - Really? You didn't tell me!

Stop it, she will be your right hand, too!

- I'd rather be armless! - I wish you had a great job,

- a great career path. - You're my path.

But I can't find you. I should ask a policeman.

Don't be silly, darling. I'm afraid we're late.

Have no fear! My sword will protect you!

- Have I got any money? - How silly you are!

Good evening, senator! Mrs Dominedio's table?

Mrs Dominedio!

Dominedio!

- Are you Dominedio? - I'm her cousin. She's coming later.

Sir, you sit here next to my cousin and our young friends.

I'll sit here.

I hope it'll be quick tonight. I shouldn't have left the paper.

But how can one refuse an invitation from Mrs Dominedio?

Indeed! She called me six times today. It's a very important favour for her,

and you'll see another of my cousin's protégées. You've got a sharp eye!

- They're just tales! - I know you.

She's a fashion designer, but she's the loveliest model of all.

Here she is!

- Good evening. - My dear, the editor of the Gazette.

What a pleasure.

I've said "what a pleasure" so many times, and it wasn't true.

Sit down, please.

A nice place, isn't it? With a band.

How are the lunatics? I'll visit you at the asylum one day.

- You here? Go to the paper! - So you haven't given me the sack?

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

You two know each other. You're old friends.

- Do you know him too? - A bit. He's my husband.

Husband? Of course, your husband.

So you're the lady's husband? Sit down, old chap.

Please.

- He's a great guy, isn't he? - Of course he is!

Yes, yes... He's an interesting character.

Yes, yes... Very interesting!

That's an expert eye!

Good evening, senator.

- Archangel? - The Dominedio driver!

Madam sends her apologies.

She's at the Ministry of Defence and will be unable to attend this evening.

She is extremely sorry. Goodbye.

Defence? Then it's war!

Then why don't you order, while the lady and I have a dance.

- May I? - I adore dancing.

- You have the figure of a Cuban dancer. - You flatterer!

- You don't dance the rumba? - What memories! Cuba! Havana!

You too? Do they drink aperitifs in Cuba?

Of course!

Let's go drink something strong!

I felt like a condemned man when I came here tonight.

But I'm very happy to have obeyed our lady friend's strict orders.

- Sometimes I think I'm stupid. - Stupid, you? Whatever for?

You're wrong.

I'm wrapped up in my paper. I forgot all about music, the beautiful ladies.

I have to be ill to not work. How stupid it is.

But this evening you're my illness!

- You'll make me miss the beat. - But I won't miss mine!

More, more. Don't be shy. A bit more for the senator too.

Cheers!

I really like you. You remind me of my young half.

Do you have a young half?

It's a theory of mine. A man is never totally young or old.

At times he feels young, at times old.

- Are you using the top half or... - By half I mean this.

- This evening, it's my young half. - My half's living it up this evening.

The editor's a sly fox!

- You've monopolised me this evening. - This evening and every evening.

I'd like to see you in the morning,

by the seaside and in the mountains, or by the swimming pool.

I have a little pool in my garden. My friends drop in all the time.

A swim, a drink...

A new friend. Only a friend could answer my prayers.

Don't worry, your Gianni is a good fellow.

He has many talents, many merits.

But his main merit is having a wife like you.

- Another bottle? - Oh no, I'm so sleepy.

- It's so late. - Is the dream over already?

Didn't you know boss that every dream ends with the morning?

They disappear with the dawn, like the mist.

The sun rises on the journalists, my dear ex-director,

who've abandoned their pencils, on the condemned men who abandon this life,

and on the milkmen, who make their rounds in the city.

Dawn rises on the Cuban rumba, my ex-Duce.

And our dreams melt like ice-cream.

Hers was a hazelnut one. All Havana.

Mine this morning was a strawberry one. All pink.

Am I right, Vivia?

My lost cat. Our house has become an enormous hazelnut ice cream.

All I wanted was a little strawberry. Or a blue sugared almond.

We would have called her Victoria like my uncle's pears.

Gianni, please.

- Do you know you're talented? - You realised too late, general.

Now my talent is destined for the competition's newspapers.

- I'm sorry for you. - I'm serious young man.

You were born to write and I've got some good news for you.

I've been waiting since this morning, go on, tell me. You've sacked me?

- No, you have to go away. - Exactly! So that's it. I'm free!

This is a great evening for you and a great evening for our paper.

You'll take a plane to Palestine.

- Are you joking? - You'll get the tickets tomorrow.

- You'll report on the war. - But the war is over.

That's what you think. Palestine is a country that has no peace.

The war's worse under the sand. That is the powder keg of Europe.

You'll be in the centre of it.

Me? Do I look like a pyrotechnic?

You're joking! It's all that rumba!

What luck! A special correspondent. Your moment has arrived!

My moment? It's too early.

Don't ruin everything. You said you'd do anything for me!

Anything!

If the lady wants to send me to Palestine, I'll go.

COLONIAL MUSEUM

- Nice costumes, aren't they? - Beautiful.

Africa, Massawa, the Red Sea, the mal d'Afrique.

Have you been there often?

Never. But my daughter's husband had a tobacconists in Mogadishu.

HORROR, BLOOD, PALESTINE!

SLAUGHTER AND MASSACRES.

Is this suit ready or not?

I need to wash my hair.

There's a desert around it!

Not bad!

Come in, Colonel. Gianni!

The colonel's here for your lesson.

Of course, perhaps he'd like to come here, in the sink?

- Start, otherwise we'll wait forever! - Is my stuff ready?

- In a minute! Excuse me. - My wife loves your dressing gown.

Don't mention it, it's nothing.

Shall we start?

I'll wash my hair, if I may. I can hear you fine.

As you wish.

You should adapt to your environment. Follow local customs.

Arabs sit like this.

Feet crossed. Legs bend slowly.

It looks uncomfortable, but it's fine.

There it is.

Start by saying "hello" in Arabic.

Salamaleik!

Not like that. Salam aleikum!

Muller's work. Extremely interesting.

Interesting? That's terrible! Look at the back cover.

- He could speak perfect Arabic. - Why? He's got such a nice face.

Shame they cut his head off. Must have been painful.

- You need a body, my dear Colonel. - Always joking, eh?

You should appreciate a bit of spirit! I'm very afraid for my little head.

Poor little head! I hope you don't end up too far away from my old body.

Think how famous you'd be. You'd go down in history.

Well, I'd prefer to stay alive.

It'd be an honour for me to have known a journalist tortured and murdered.

Tortured as well?

Of course, more noise!

This shampoo doesn't foam.

Try and repeat.

But it doesn't make any foam!

More guttural.

Who bought this damned shampoo?

Don't talk. Let the record finish.

Here, your suit's ready! The colonel can tell us what he thinks.

- What are you doing? - Who bought this shampoo?

Try this on, come on.

- But what is this stuff? - The new colonial style fashion.

But this looks like underwear!

Knickerbockers are the latest thing.

Repeat!

Knickerbockers are the latest thing.

I was talking to him.

Does it look to you like I can learn Arabic dressed like this?

I see. It's not a good time. I shall withdraw.

Excellent tactic, Colonel, withdrawing early.

- It's such a tumultuous time! - So you learn what a man's made of!

What a fine soldier!

- I'm not wearing this. - Gianni, I designed it.

- Well... Give me that, gorgeous. - He called me "gorgeous"!

I meant "genius"!

- I look like a lion hunter. - But you love dressing up.

You call this dressing up! Please, make the trousers half a metre longer.

What do you mean? That's the great thing about the 19th century model.

In fact, I'll make it a bit shorter.

- And what are all these pockets? - There's a pocket missing!

Don't make me die of ridicule, before I die decapitated.

Take this casserole dish away!

- Add another pocket and iron it. - Right away!

- I'll wash your hair. - A good wife soon to be a widow.

- Where did you get that shampoo? - Here it is.

- But that's talc, you idiot! - You've turned me stupid!

Come on, get your nut down. Let's freshen your brain up.

Are you glad I'm going to Palestine? Are you sure it's not crazy?

It's a stroke of luck. Head down!

- Look at all that foam. - I'm suffocating!

It will be your launch pad. South America, Africa, the Poles...

- I haven't got time. - Head down.

This is only the first step. I'm sure you'll write some great things.

But you also have to impress the public, be original.

For example, during the war, Hemingway grew a beard.

I'll bore the readers senseless.

- Head down! - Be gentle!

We need to think of something. Advertising is everything.

Our correspondent's great adventure! His life amongst the savages!

Our correspondent in surprise attack!

Gianni, why don't you die?

We're only talking.

- Are you drowning me! - No Gianni, why don't you die?

In a sink? That's not very brave! What will the colonel say?

You pretend to die. Someone else reports it.

- You just disappear for a while. - Come on!

Then you reappear to tell of your incredible adventure!

- And what's this incredible adventure? - You have such a good imagination.

You can say you were kidnapped by the Arabs, or by the Jews!

You'll be famous! People will talk of nothing else, even abroad.

Doesn't it seem a bit much?

Passion, death, resurrection... Let's wait for Easter.

Help me sometimes! It's a fantastic idea!

You disappear for a few days, to a holiday resort, in a cave...

Someone else reports the news in Rome. Can you imagine the to-do?

- Nobody is going to check. - My little volcanic genius!

Let me go! Be serious! You don't understand me at all!

- I'm being serious! - Don't get angry.

Do you want me to die? I'll die. Then I'll come back to life.

And even if I don't, it doesn't matter.

- I want you to be happy. - Really? Do you promise?

Finish drying your hair.

You're more intelligent than me,

but I love you more than you love me and I'm going to prove that.

That's it! That's an Arab scarf, not like that casserole dish.

Vivia? Vivia?

I'm a voice crying uselessly in the desert.

All passengers for Palestine, please take your seats!

This way, ladies and gentlemen.

- This is it then! - Yes, don't work too hard.

- I'll take a nice photo of you. - Our brave correspondent.

- I forgot. This is for you, Gianni. - Let me guess: pears?

- Yes, two different types. - Good idea! For lunch.

No! They're grafts. Show them there.

Reserve rations... You never know.

Careful of that tropical sun. I've seen some very interesting cases.

Don't worry, there's always my other half.

If things go bad on the left, I'll lean to the right!

Mr Alberti, I'm late, the taxi broke down!

Are you really going?

- Are you crazy? We're playing! - It might seem ridiculous.

I wanted to give you a little gift. I heard that you wanted a cat.

- Lovely, isn't it? - How delightful. It's enormous!

A mascot. They use them in the war.

- Mr Alberti, please take your seat. - I'll be right there!

- Goodbye. - Good luck! Have a good trip.

Goodbye Uncle.

Farewell, my love!

- How dramatic you are. - They'll remember this moment.

"She looked so sad!"

- Hold me tight. - Of course.

- Goodbye my love. - Goodbye!

I wanted to say that...

END OF PART ONE

PART TWO

Is it far?

Is it far?

What's going on?

- What time it be? - Three o'clock

Gun bomb.

- So there's still a war? - No war. War finish.

I'm hungry.

My stomach's shrinking.

Uncle Villa's pears. The colonel was right. Emergency supplies.

Sorry, Uncle Villa! It's rotten!

- You shoot? - It was a rotten bomb, I mean pear!

- What time it be? - Two minutes past three.

Caliph's bomb.

- Who's Caliph? - He big boss.

- Will we get there before dark? - No be scared.

I'm not scared, but this country's full of bombs!

Not bombs. War finish.

INTERCONTINENTAL HOTEL. ALL MODERN COMFORTS.

Journalist from Rome. Got the telegram. Everything's ready.

Thank you very much.

- First of all, I need a bath. - Hot or cold?

- Lukewarm. - No bath.

- I'll have a wash in my room. - No water.

- No water? - It's coming tonight by camel.

Oui, Italian war correspondent.

Colleagues!

I conosce I taly. Very very beautiful.

Caltanisetta! You conosce C oncettina?

War news? Terrible!

It's awful. Ils ne voulez pas comprendre that the war is over.

They've been ici f or three months without paying.

- No paying! Requisitioned. - Requisition, requisition!

But they still eat and drink.

War finish!

- Always war in Palestine. - Mais no. Arabs and Jews friends.

Look!

He Arab, I Jew. Kiss.

Friends. Take that.

Friends! Gentlemen, s'il vous plait.

So did the war take place in your hotel?

No, just a couple of battles. But it's all cassé.

The only window still intact in the whole region.

- They'll make a pilgrimage to see it. - All broken. No water, no windows.

This is your chambre.

Careful! Over there, monsieur.

Put them there.

- No water, no bed. - Oh, camels bring it.

- Can I at least send a telegram? - Tomorrow. When camels leave.

- Eznar, go away. - Sleep well, monsieur.

Hasta la vista. Good evening, sir.

No chair back. The cat!

What do you think? Shall we build a little villa here?

Now let's prepare a nice telegram.

An enormous one! Tomorrow's her party.

Wish you were here with me in this paradise,

I would be very happy.

Sweet music delights me.

Camels arriving.

Perhaps even a bath.

Pleasant company

relieves my solitude.

"Best wishes, all my love, Gianni."

- What kind of company, sir? - Put that telegram away.

It's the third time you've tried to decipher it.

It be happy if that good lad's articles were as clear.

He was sweet and punctual. Just in time for my party!

It doesn't take much effort to think of you.

I hope you'll appreciate my little gift just as much.

- Is it ready? - Just one minute.

- What is it? I'm curious. - Just one minute.

- Is it ok for Sunday? - What?

Don't pretend you don't understand. I've been asking you for a week.

A small group of friends. The pool, tennis, bridge. No harm in it.

Here we are. A little masterpiece by our staff.

Wonderful! It's enormous.

Thank you! What a sweet idea.

Because your imagination is oriented towards the East.

That's just how I imagine it:

gardens, palms, fountains, music...

THE APPEAL OF THE EAST

NIGHT POETRY IN THE DESERT

SMILES FROM THE WOMEN OF ISLAM.

Come in!

A cable for you.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

"About to inaugurate fashion house. Put plan into action."

"I'm counting on you my little monkey. Kisses."

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO TRAITORS TO ISLAM

THIS IS WHAT'LL HAPPEN IF YOU DON'T MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

Name!

Alberti. Gianni.

Gianni and Giannizeri!

Catuk!

Mr Sheriff, Mr Caliph, please, understand,

I didn't want to shoot. I was supposed to die.

But if I hadn't shot, who would've died?

And if I hadn't died, who would have shot me?

I'm dead and I'm happy about it. So everyone's happy, right?

- You've got a right problem! - You can say that again!

- Young man, you're in deep trouble. - Where are you from?

Largo Carità, Pignasecca, Naples.

- You're not an Arab! - Arab? I'm a true Neapolitan.

- You're not a Caliph? - I had to make a decision.

Be a Caliph or get your head cut off. I decided to be a Caliph.

In the middle of the desert!

So what? I'm a Neapolitain, not a penguin!

You shouldn't be surprised. You're a journalist!

- You know that too. - I know everything.

Perfect, I can tell you everything. You see, my wife...

Later, stay for lunch. We'll have pasta!

Fatima!

My odalisque...

Fatima!

Here we go.

May I?

- You're delighted, right? - Well...

No, tell the truth. I can see it.

Yes.

- Perhaps there's too much fat. - No, no...

- A bit of fat. But it's very good. - Great!

You didn't expect it, did you? In the middle of the desert...

- Not really. - After all this time...

Well, if you feel like it, be my guest.

I'll give you some sauce.

Ah, the sauce.

It's hot!

Some for the cat?

Some for the cat.

- If my wife knew! - Why?

She doesn't want me to get fat.

Don't listen to women.

Do you know why I'm here? Because I argued with my wife.

And I'm not moving from here.

You want to pretend you're dead and then come back to life

Exactly.

You need to prepare these things properly. I'll help you.

Someone needs to see you dead and take a picture.

Right.

I'll have you tied up like a salami and taken to the Crossroads of Death,

all the best corpses are found there.

Then I'll tell the US journalists.

They'll know I'm alive. They'll want to touch me.

Leave it to me!

I'll put eight rifles around you. They won't get near you.

Are we there or not?

What's the matter?

- What happened? - I don't know. I fainted.

- I thought I was dying. - Take her into the house!

Poor young man! He was so nice.

It'll be on my conscience forever.

Look at him!

Shut up, you old hen!

Sit down, madame.

Please, show her to the door.

Good evening, thank you for coming. There's more room over there.

What was I saying?

- How are we doing? - I'm ready madam. Shall we start!

Just a moment.

Nice people, aren't they?

- Are you pleased? A little nervous? - Just a little.

Don't worry, everything's going according to plan. Just a little late.

Yes, a little late. Do you think Mr Dominedio...

I don't think she's coming. Start madam, you know what she's like.

Let's begin.

Ready girls? That's enough alcohol! What are you doing?

Stop it! Are you trying to get drunk?

- I'm drinking to forget. - Who?

- I don't know, I've forgotten. - Come on, let's start.

And don't worry. Remember, smiling, serene and seductive.

PALESTINE JERUSALEM. NIGHT.

ITALIAN JOURNALIST GIANNI ALBERTI

VICTIM OF A TERRORIST ATTACK.

Good God! Impossible!

What's going on?

Sir? Damn, he's not here!

- Hello? Where's the editor? - You're the editor, sir.

Find the editor, idiot! Gianni Alberti's dead!

What's that you're muttering?

The news has affected me sir. Pray for his soul!

Come on, find the editor. Try the ministry, his home, the club!

I'm struck down by sorrow, but I'll do my duty.

I'll call you back soon.

- Ministry of the Interior? - No, my son. This is a church.

- Try 666 66. - But I've already tried, Father.

- How many times, my son? - Twice, Father.

- Have you found him? - No, not yet!

Oh, you're useless. The other papers will get the scoop!

Calm down sir, hold on.

- 291 039? - Yes, what do you want?

I haven't seen him for ages. Who gave you this number, you fool?

No, he's not here.

- I don't know him! - I haven't seen him today.

There are no editors here.

- So? Have you found him? - No!

Yes, he's here. Want to speak to him? Then why are you bothering us?

I've found him! He's at Alberti's house.

At last. I'll be there right away.

- Goodbye, dear. - Thank you. Goodbye.

- Unquestionably creative! - Your hard work deserves praise.

My cousin would have loved it!

Boss!

- What are you doing here? - It's urgent.

I'll take a photo of you like that. Take that lady's hand. That's it!

- Thank you. Excuse me. - Oh no!

Oh no!

Oh no!

Oh no!

Oh no!

What is it?

- I have to tell you something serious. - My God! What's happened?

It's terrible, but you'd read about it in the newspapers in any case.

- It's not about Gianni, is it? - Your Gianni... our Gianni...

He's dead!

- So young. He died so young. - There are no words.

We will withdraw and leave you to grieve.

There are a few words to say! Let us bow to one who died standing up.

- How do you know that? - Maria!

- Cry, madame, it will do you good. - No.

Gianni, I will stand tall, too.

- We'll all stand tall! - May I?

Thanks.

Gianni, my hero!

What a spirit of steel!

Leave me now, my friends.

Solitude is the only thing for sorrow.

What are you doing here? You'll ruin it. Are you crazy?

- I'm crazy? - You always mess things up!

What are you wearing? Take that stuff off.

But this is how I am and this is how I'll stay.

But what have you done? Didn't we have an agreement?

Yes, but I told you I'm no good at these things.

Everything was going well. News of your death has just arrived.

- You promised me you'd pretend... - Pretend, pretend...

I'm no good at acting, I told you. I'm really dead.

Are you happy? Great career! And I've passed on.

Now's no time for joking! Take that stuff off. Why are your feet wet?

You're completely crazy. Let's agree.

We could have agreed before, when I didn't want to do it.

You drive me crazy! Why did you come back?

What kind of trick is this?

My love,

this is the biggest trick of all. Everyone falls for it, sooner or later.

A terrible trick, where you don't understand a thing.

You're happy, and then... Bam! You fall for it.

Another's not even thinking of it... Bam! It happens to him too.

Like flies in a spider's web, one after another.

First the cat, now flies and spiders!

Why did we ever get married?

You're not just crazy, you're spiteful! You ruin everything for me!

How can I tell you Vivia, It's not your fault.

I fell into the trap too. My time had come.

Oh yes, carry on! Think you're funny? We're talking about our careers here.

What a mess! I hope no one's seen you.

Wait here. Don't move, and take those things off!

I'll send everyone home, then we'll talk.

- There's nothing to say. I'm dead. - How stupid you are!

How stubborn she is.

You've ruined everything. Idiot!

I didn't want to make you angry.

Where are you? Kiss me, at least.

I don't want you to spend the night out. Even Mrs Dominedio...

Gianni!

You're here! I was worried. I slept so badly.

Gianni, at last! How did you get out of here?

- Where did you spend the night? - At the newspaper.

Read it. You've got a famous, dead husband.

Are you happy?

How wonderful!

- There aren't many like you. - We're the majority.

GIANNI ALBERTI. VICTIM OF ATTACK.

You're doing everything absolutely right!

Now tell me how you managed to get out last night?

Just like that, I don't know.

You play some great tricks, but this time you've gone too far.

Unfortunately this is a trick that will never end.

Don't be stupid! Take that dressing gown off!

- You look like a ghost. - But I am a ghost!

I'm dead, finished, croaked, kaput, understand? Ja wohl!

- You see, you have something missing! - Now there's plenty missing.

Shall we talk seriously about how to behave now?

I don't know how much longer I can talk to you.

- Who is it? - The editor of the Gazette.

At this time! Just a minute!

- What does he want? - I don't think he knows himself.

Tell him to wait a moment.

Don't move from here. Don't mess things up!

I'll see that one on the Day of Judgement!

His friends, relatives from the city, relatives from the country, VIPS,

her friends, his friends, her friends, VIPS, his friends...

My dear friend.

Unknown, VIPS, her friends, her friends...

Her friend. My friend!

Her friends...

Cretin!

Nothing.

I don't know how to express what I feel,

but I wish you were close to me, closer than anyone else!

Idiot! Thank you my friend. I'm so happy you're here.

- That animal! - Thank you.

- But I can't breathe. Shall we go out? - Of course. My car's outside.

- We can go to the countryside. - He deserves a slap!

Let's go to the Museum. I need inspiration for a funeral outfit.

- As you wish. - I'll get my sketch book.

- Shall I go, madam? - No, please! Just a moment.

She seems very agitated, strange behaviour, don't you think?

She'll get over it. The deceased wasn't one to arouse great emotion.

A few telegrams and he'll be forgotten.

Gianni! Gianni!

Come out, don't make me mad.

Where's the idiot hiding? Gianni!

How did he manage to get out? He'll drive me crazy!

All done and I hope it's all over.

- Shall we go? - Ready when you are.

- You haven't seen anybody? - No. Why?

- No one came through here? - Who?

An Arab.

An Arab?

Let's go. I need some Arabs. I mean, some air.

The Merry Widow!

- Listen to me... - Let me get on with it.

- Calm down, give me your arm. - I want to walk freely.

But you need someone to lean on.

Where are these Berber costumes?

What is it?

What a fool! You joker!

- Look how stupid he is. - What do you mean?

- Oh, very funny! Cretin! - Who are you talking to?

Well, done. I hate you. You've ruined everything.

Don't you recognise him?

Don't you feel well? I don't understand you.

Do you want to drive me mad too. It's all over, the game's up.

- Vivia, listen to me! - Let me go!

Guards, guards.

Gianni, don't be such an idiot.

Leave me alone, let me go!

Take her away, quick!

PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

- Is it serious? - It's difficult to say. She's fragile.

I saw she wasn't right this morning.

In fact even yesterday, when she got the news.

- Do you remember? - Her reaction was exceptional.

- She probably wants to dominate it. - That's the cause of the imbalance.

The psyche has had its way.

We must take into account that she's pregnant. Maybe she didn't know.

It happened recently. She's in shock.

Now she needs complete rest. And don't contradict her.

- Can I see her? - Not today, my friend.

- Maria! Where am I? - I'm not Maria. Don't worry.

- Where's Gianni? - He'll come back, don't worry.

- Why have they brought me here? - I have some good news madam.

You felt ill, but it's because of your little baby.

- What? - You'll find out in a few months.

What do you want to call it?

- You're not joking, are you? - No, madam.

And has that idiot taken off that dressing gown yet?

- Calm down, calm down! - That ugly cretin will be so happy!

I'll go and tell him at once.

- Lie down, don't excite yourself. - You're right, I'm weak.

Oh, I'm so tired. But I'm happy.

I'm so happy, Gianni.

Calm down now and rest.

Gianni!

Don't frighten me popping up like a ghost.

That's enough now.

Have you heard the news? Give me your hand.

Are you happy? Do you love me?

If I didn't love you, you wouldn't see me.

You're the only one who sees me. You see my love.

Listen, I forgive all the stupid things you've done.

If you don't want to be a journalist do whatever you want.

Be a farmer, a tie salesman, or nothing. But let's be together Gianni.

But how can you not understand? So it's true what they think of you.

That's why they've brought you here.

Why? What is this? A lunatic asylum?

I knew it. They tricked me.

- They told me I was pregnant. - Yes, that's true.

So then why aren't you happy?

Vivia, it's too late for me. I can only be by your side, like a shadow.

Stop it! You frighten me.

- I don't feel well... - Vivia!

Vivia! My God! A cognac!

Vivia!

So it's really true! Gianni, what happened!

Calm down.

What happened was... I don't really know.

The important thing is that we're together.

I'm with you, you're with me.

I can still feel your kisses. So at least we can be together.

- Are we really in a lunatic asylum? - Yes.

But just say you can't see me and they'll let you out.

I can see you and feel you.

My hands feel your hands.

My forehead feels yours.

My mouth feels yours.

Yes, only the others can't see me.

Say whatever they want.

You're worried about others.

I won't please anyone. I'll tell the truth.

I'll give up the house, fashion, people, everything.

I'll wait for this child here and we'll be together at last!

My love!

My ghost!

My Gianni! Lost and found again!

Doctor, there's a man out there who seems a lunatic. What shall I do?

Let him in.

This way please.

I'm Gianni's uncle. Poor thing, so young! I'm looking for the wife...

Looking for a wife? You're in the right place!

Sit down. There are lovely girls!

They haven't got any girls, yet. They will, but in a year.

It's all these strikes! Poor little thing, being born without a dad.

What progress modern science has made!

Let's go and see her. I've brought the Lisbon Prize.

Let's go to Lisbon. Put your travelling suit on.

- It's obligatory for visits, isn't it? - Yes and it's nice too.

How hygienic!

- Are you happy? - Yes and you?

Very happy.

How does it feel to be a ghost? What do you feel?

Not much, not much.

- Can you feel this? - I can understand it, but not feel it.

It's difficult to explain.

- Can you feel this? - Almost nothing.

- And this? - Like a breath!

I think she's a hopeless case.

First I thought your outfit was horrible.

But I'm getting used to it.

So you really love me? In all honesty I look awful.

- I think it looks great. - So you really love me?

I love you enormously!

See those nice pears? Do you remember what they're called?

Like our future little monkey: Victoria. Let's sit, I'm tired.

Do you know Mrs Alberti?

- Where does she live? - In Parioli.

- Parioli? Then get no. 4, this is 19.

- 19? - Can't you see the trolley?

The trolley? And you?

I'm the back, I hope I'll be promoted.

- Well, are you getting on? - No, I'll walk.

I was so stupid!

Fame, publicity... That doesn't mean anything.

I have to come to the asylum to finally hear some sense.

And you're here with me to keep me company.

Poor thing! Look at the state of her.

- One, two, three. Guess who's here! - A silly old monkey.

- But how did you know? - It's you, Uncle Villa!

I was just thinking about you. Have you seen those lovely pears?

There! You need to die to see your dreams come true.

It's like we're in Grosseto, with Uncle Villa and his pears,

with a big iron gate.

We're on one side, on the other side is the paper,

high fashion and Mrs Dominedio.

Come in.

- Go to bed now madam. He'll come soon. - Thank you.

Gianni! Gianni!

- Ah, you're here! - Here I am.

Of course I'm here. You like your colonial servant?

Salam aleikum!

- Is that ok, Colonel? - The same old Gianni!

Of course it's me. I like this house.

I want to stay here forever.

All white, hygienic, no flies...

- What is it? - They're calling me.

I can't stay with you anymore. It's a terrible force!

They're separating us!

No, Gianni!

No, Gianni!

Gianni? Where are you?

Don't go! Don't leave me here alone!

What's all this smoke?

What do you want with me? What's the matter?

- Hurry up, come back in. I need you! - You don't shut up even when dead!

What an irritating corpse.

I'm tired of lying here.

But I'm not coming back! I feel much lighter without you.

Still a joker!

- And you're still a materialist. - I'm like an empty bag. Come back in.

I know you, you'll take me back to the newspaper.

- I'll do whatever you want. - Ok, let's make this clear.

I'll come back, but I'm in charge.

Otherwise at the first cold, I'll be off!

OUR CORRESPONDENT'S EXTRAORDINARY ADVENTURE. GIANNI ALBERTI IS BACK.

Don't look like that.

He can't come back. It's a false alarm.

Hear that? I don't trust these tests.

The nurses are standing by.

Attention, please. The plane from Palestine is now landing.

- Military punctuality! - I'm so worked up.

I'm moved too. Imagine, a soldier crying.

Aren't you a colonel?

- Smile, Vivia. This is a great moment. - Oh, you're crazy my friend!

- My dear monkey can't return. - A monkey? I love monkeys!

- Sweetheart. - Bless me, dear shadow.

What's wrong with you?

Vivia, what is it?

- Are you angry with me? - No, blessed soul.

Aren't you happy? Even my ex-editor is happy.

They don't want to upset me. But I know you're a ghost.

You'll disappear, my dear ghost.

My Gianni!

Welcome back! We're waiting for you at the newspaper.

I think it's going to have to wait for a long time.

- Did you see any lions? - Yes, one. But it was a camel.

Keep still, lad!

Embrace your husband. He's alive.

But he's a ghost! Look at my hand, it goes right through him.

Excessive anger!

What are you doing?

Gianni!

Careful! You'll kill my heart.

Are you resting? You could help me a bit more.

- You worked for 10 minutes today. - 12 minutes!

And I did 3 grafts.

Are we here to work or to rest?

If we don't do the grafts in time, we can't take the pears to Ostend.

Wouldn't you add some extra ruffles?

Careful, otherwise it'll be back to Mrs Dominedio.

- Please! What time is it? - 10.30.

- Time for Victoria. - An Imperial Victoria.

- Not that Victoria! - I forgot.

Doesn't she look like Greta Garbo?