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So, then Sandi said to Mr. O'Neill, "Well, if you want to get technical, all
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writing is plagiarism because you're using words that already exist," and he
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gave her an 'F' anyway.
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Maybe she shouldn't have titled her story Sandi Griffin's Dracula.
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No hardtack tonight, lads. We're going top-rail number one!
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Gee, is it family babble time already?
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That's Civil War talk, Daria.
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What is that?
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It's from my new Civil War cookbook.
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Civil War cookbook. So you're serving us amputated leg?
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Eew!
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No, it's corned pork and cabbage.
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EEW!
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Good news, everyone.
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If it's about us lads goin' top-rail number one, that's yesterday's broadsheet.
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We've finally settled the ATC Motors case after eight grueling months, and at
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last I'm going to get some time off to spend with my family.
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Dad, who's that woman in the business suit?
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I mean it this time. Eric's, um, exhausted, and he's taking twenty-eight days
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to, uh, recuperate. All that espresso he was drinking really wore him down.
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Espresso?
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To say nothing of those prescription amphetamine donuts.
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Daria!
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So, he's in detox again?
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Quinn!
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Oh, right! Espresso...
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Hellllooo? Oh, hello, Rita.
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Uh oh, call the sibling rivalry S.W.A.T. team.
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What? Erin and Brian are getting divorced?
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Uh! You mean I spend the whole day in that disgusting bridesmaid's dress for nothing?
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No, you had to pay for it. Remember?
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Well, of course I'd love to handle it, but it's not really my area of expertise, and...
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Rita, there's no such thing as a simple divorce.
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Hang on, that's my call-waiting.
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Hello? Oh, mom. Hi... Well, I was just now talking to Rita about that.
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See, I just came off this back-breaking case...
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You tell her!
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Yes, I know this isn't easy for either of them, but an attorney who specializes
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in divorce could... Well, I wouldn't say I'm the best lawyer in my firm. Eric's...
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Really? Well, of course I want Rita in the most capable hands possible.
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Don't worry about a thing. Bye.
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Rita? I'm in.
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Oh God, Helen, no! The way you and your sister fight, a man can only take so much.
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No, that was Jake. He says "hi."
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Well, if I can't say Sandi Griffin's Dracula, why does Brad Stoker get to say
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Brad Stoker's Dracula?
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Um, I think that's Bram Stoker.
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I don't.
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Perhaps not. But anyway, he gets to say it because he made the story up.
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Huh. Quinn, Dracula is an internationally known, celebrity vampire.
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"He made the story up."
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Guys, how do you like my new dress? You don't think the blue is too risqué do you?
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Not at all, and it goes perfectly with your cell phone.
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Really? You're not just saying that?
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Quinn's right. For once, you have chosen a dress that's not a complete
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embarrassment to the rest of us.
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Oh, thank you, Sandi!
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Come on, let's get to the cafeteria before they run out of shredded lettuce.
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Uh!
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Oh, no! Tiffany is wearing your dress. Now what are you going to do?
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In this canine go-go bar, the specialty of the house is Hot Dog!
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Lap dancing lap dogs next, on Sick, Sad World.
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What do you think, Daria? Stonewall Jackson fed his men these Johnny cakes the
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night before the battle of Chancellorsville.
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Well, that explains why they shot him there.
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Alright, Rita, I've gathered the necessary paperwork, and we can go over it when
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you and Erin get here Saturday.
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Actually, it will just be Erin. I'd come, but I promised Ralph- you know, the
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actor I've been dating- I promised to take him to New York for his birthday,
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maybe catch a play or two.
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Uh-huh.
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But I'll call you when I get back. Good luck.
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Well, that's just perfect. Rita's not even coming.
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Hey, that's great!
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No, it's not! She's spending the money I'm saving her on a trip for her
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boyfriend to New York!
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Johnny cake?
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Hey.
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You know, I can't get through on the phone at all anymore. Isn't your sister
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afraid her ear will grow over the receiver?
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Actually, my mother's the one burning up the lines. My idiot cousin is suing her
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husband for a divorce, and mom got roped into handling it.
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Ouch. Want to drive around the block and give me the gory details?
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No, I've already put a bitching session with Jane on my calendar for tomorrow.
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Okay, so, just want to drive around the block with no discernable goal?
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It's probably not a good time for that. Thanks though.
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No thanks nece...
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... ssary.
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So my mother gets caught up in this crap with her family, and then our family
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has to suffer for it.
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And you're not even looking forward to having a ringside seat at your cousin's
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gut wrenching breakup?
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I know. It's like I've forgotten how to have fun.
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Alright. Stacy? Tiffany? You may each deliver your prepared statement about why
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you should have the dress.
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A debate was such a great idea, Sandi.
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Followed by a rebuttal.
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Eew. That word.
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Stacy?
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Well, I think I should have the dress because Tiffany looks good in anything,
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whereas I don't, due to a slight asymmetry in my shoulders that is very painful
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for me even to mention, but which this particular dress minimizes while setting
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off my eyes.
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Very good, Stacy. And now, Tiffany.
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Well, I think I should have the dress.
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Um, Tiffany, is there anything you want to add?
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Yes. Thank you, and God bless.
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Perhaps a debate is not the way to go here.
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Hmm, should I give Erin an "after you dump him" make-over, or a "newly single
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and sizzling" make-over?
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That depends. Which one involves boiling oil?
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Now, while Erin's here, I want you both to make her feel right at home. She's
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family and she needs our love and understanding. I could kill that sister of mine!
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Bring on the guest! One fresh pitcher of Martinis ready to pour.
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Jake, Erin doesn't drink Martinis.
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I know that. They're for me, just in case Rita calls.
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That must be Erin.
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Rita!
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Rita, why aren't you in New York?
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Ralph broke up with me. Oh, if only mom had sent me to Stadt along with Erin.
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Erin's in Stadt? Switzerland?
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Mom thought she could use a week at a spa, to calm her nerves. Wasn't that thoughtful?
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That's mom: always thinking of her grandchildren. One of them, anyway.
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Um, Rita, you know it would be really helpful if Erin were here.
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It is her divorce, after all.
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We call always call her if we have to. Um, Helen? I kind of arranged to have my
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house painted while I thought I'd be in New York. I hope you don't mind if I
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stay here with you this week?
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Dear lord! What a great idea!
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Oh, hi, Erin. Sorry about Brian. I hate having to break up with guys I'm dating.
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No, you're right, marriage isn't the same as dating; nobody ever gives you
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really nice appliances just for going out with a guy.
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Erin, why are you crying?
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First of all, Brian and Erin need to list all their assets.
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That should be a breeze for him. You know the government fired him the day they
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got back from their honeymoon? They've been living off her salary while that
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clown tries to pass his real estate exam.
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Well good. Then he has no real claim on her property.
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Aunt Rita? Um, Erin want you to know that she and Brian kind of signed a
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prenuptial agreement that she kind of never told you about that kind of split
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everything fifty-fifty.
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She's gotta' go. Bye.
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What?! Let me talk to her. Damn!
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Say, um, Daria, could you, um, help me in the, um, kitchen, with the, uh...
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Johnny cakes?
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Yeah, the Johnny cakes!
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Smooth, Mr. Bond. Lead the way.
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That little weasel made her sign a prenup. He knew she was gonna' be the bread
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winner. We've gotta' fight this, Helen, all the way to the Supreme Court if we
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have to.
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Rita, the Supreme Court doesn't handle divorces. They're swamped with
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shoplifting cases. Now, there's a junior associate in my office with a ton of
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experience in matrimonial law. I'll be happy to...
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You'd put Erin's life in the hands of a junior associate?
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Rita. You said this was a simple divorce, and it's not. I'm really not qualified
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to handle something this complicated!
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Oh, I see. You're willing to help provided it doesn't take more than ten minutes
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of your time. Well I'm sure mom and I can figure out some way to hire a lawyer
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who can.
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Alright! I'll do it.
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I can't take it, Daria! The fighting, the yelling, and then always the crying.
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Yours, you mean.
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I've gotta' get out, at least until the dust settles.
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Or the bodies stop twitching.
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Now we're gonna' need a signal. Okay, when I call, if Rita is still here say,
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uh, "the eagle has landed," and if they're fighting say, "the crow flies at
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midnight," but if she'd gone then, "the pigeons are at rest." Got that?
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Is there anyway to work in "hark, I hear the cannon's roar?"
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Good luck! Hi, Quinn. Bye now.
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Dad's leaving?
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Only until mom and Aunt Rita stop being sisters.
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Hmm, maybe after my Fashion Club meeting we should just stay around the house
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until Aunt Rita leaves. You know, to be like peacekeepers? I'll cancel my dates.
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You don't have any plans tonight, right?
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Well, I was gonna' go downtown and count the cracks in the sidewalk.
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Oh, Daria, surely that can wait? Can I make you a carrot juice?
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But, Sandi, what if I agreed to wear my dress only on odd numbered days, and
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Tiffany agreed to wear hers only on even numbered ones?
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Stacy, days have names, not numbers.
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Alternating sounds like a good idea.
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Oh, sure! Until our enemies spread the rumor that Stacy and Tiffany are trading
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off a single garment, the only possible scenario more horrifying than owning two
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of the same dress.
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Oh, God! Oh, God!
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I'm sorry, Terresa, but we must return these dresses. Here are the receipts.
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Oh no. Um, guys, you bought these dresses over two weeks ago. It's too late to
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return them.
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Surely those silly rules don't apply to your most valued customers.
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I'm really sorry. I can give you some free shopping bags if you want.
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I can't believe you bought my dress.
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Excuse me, you bought my dress.
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Guys! Guys! Stop the madness. Is a dress really worth destroying the sacred bond
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between Fashion Club member and Fashion Club member? Stop your fighting before
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it's too late!
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Quinn, are you all right?
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Knock it off, you little brats!
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Who is this? Rita? Must have the wrong number!
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Damn it!
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Now, prenup or no prenup, with a little creative accounting, I think we can get
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Brian to take a fairly modest lump sum.
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God, I hope so. He's certainly old enough to be earning his own money.
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Tell me about it.
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What's that supposed to mean?
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Oh, hi, Erin. Uh-huh WHAT?! That's great! Bye!
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Guess what? The divorce is off.
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But we were having so much fun.
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Come on. Let's tell mom and Aunt Rita.
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Just admit that employment has never been one of your strong suits.
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Mom! Aunt Rita!
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Excuse me, but I have more important things to do, like raise Erin.
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Erin's twenty-four, Rita.
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Listen! Brian flew to Switzerland to make up, and they're having a second honeymoon.
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On mother's credit card, no doubt. You know, Jake and I barely had a first
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honeymoon, because we had to pay for our own wedding.
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And that's supposed to be my fault?
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Well, if you hadn't gone over-budget on your wedding, six months before.
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Your first wedding...
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Hey, how's it going?
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Four thousand dollars for a lighted dance floor!
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Helen, disco was king!
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Oh, just fine.
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Mom broke every rule of parenting, the way she favored you!
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It's just like you to declare the rules for everyone else!
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Oh, when will it stop? When?! When?!
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Care to step away from the crossfire?
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What the hell is going on in there?
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Look, it's bad enough I have to listen to it all day. I don't want to have to
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talk about it, too.
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Um, sorry. So...
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I better go. Mom might need an eyewitness. Or someone to hand her the murder weapon.
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Daria... ?
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What?!
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Nothing.
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Hello?
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Daria? Thank God it's you! So, um, has the eagle landed? Or is it the crow?
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Aunt Rita's still here, and...
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Daria, is that your father?
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No, no, no, no!
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A large pizza with extra cheese. Got it. Thanks for calling Pizza Prince.
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You're up.
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Awww...
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Where is your father anyway?
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Johnny Cake Fest 3000.
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Great! Now Jake's run off.
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Did you ever think he might stick around more if you weren't so preoccupied with work?
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Excuse me? The only work I've been doing around here is for you, damn it!
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Hello?
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Hi, Aunt Amy.
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Rita, we need to talk.
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Relax. I'm going home to the paint fumes. And don't worry. Erin and I will never
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bother you again.
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Look, I think we both said things we shouldn't have, but for once, let's not go
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away angry. Okay?
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I don't know, Helen.
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I've got an idea. Let's bury the hatchet and, um, bake some cookies. What do you say?
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Cookies? From scratch?
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More or less.
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Chocolate chip or peanut butter?
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The chips are already in it, right?
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Of course! I think...
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Aunt Amy?
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Daria called for reinforcements. Have your mother and Rita killed each other yet?
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Actually, they're in the kitchen making cookies.
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No, really?
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You're cutting those slices too thick.
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The package says half an inch. That is half and inch.
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Okay. I just hope you like your cookies undercooked.
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Here. You cut it. I'm sure you can do a much better job that little ol' useless me.
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Oh, please. You weren't even trying. You know, if you ever put your mind to anything...
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Why can't they just get along?
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Environmental factors: they were both exposed to each other as children.
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Come in.
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The cavalry has arrived.
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Oh, speaking of soldier junk, Daria, Gone with the Wind is on tonight. We should
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watch it. It has that Civil War that you and dad are always talking about, plus
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this really big fire.
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Frankly, Quinn, I don't give a crap.
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You don't have to decide right now. Oh, and did I tell you your hair doesn't
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look that bad today? Bye.
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I know she wants something.
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So, update?
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Okay. Mom and Aunt Rita are on the brink of mutually assured destruction,
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Quinn's obviously having a nervous breakdown, and dad's on the lamb.
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Gee. Reminds me of my childhood. You holding up okay?
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Well, much as I couldn't care less about Erin, I can't say my twenty-four year
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old cousin's near divorce has left me exactly optimistic about life's possibilities.
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So, things are not going well with that guy you've been seeing?
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Huh? That's going fine, except he won't stop dropping by during this
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multigenerational family crisis. He refuses to accept the fact that I don't have
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time for him now.
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Hmm... Maybe he's trying to offer his time to you.
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Huh, maybe.
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Come on. Let's see how goes the battle.
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Even if I did have a job, I'm sure it couldn't possibly meet with your approval.
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I guess we'll never find that out, will we?
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Ah, another Kodak moment with the Barksdales.
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Amy! What are you doing here?
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Oh, I thought I'd drive a few hours, drop by, and see if you guys were having
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the same fight you've been having for forty years.
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How would you know? You spent the whole time barricaded in your room, reading
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those weird Russian novels.
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It was better than getting caught in the non-stop crossfire.
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Oh, please. You just used us as an excuse to avoid any family responsibility
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what-so-ever, so you could do whatever the hell you pleased.
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At least I didn't nurse a childhood grudge well into adulthood because Rita was
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mom's favorite.
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I did not!
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I was not!
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You are too.
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She's right.
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I don't need your help.
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Maybe mom would get along better with both of you if you ever bothered to pick
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up the phone and call.
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Um, mom?
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Why should we when she's never offered us the slightest bit of encouragement or appreciation?
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That's right!
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I don't need your help.
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Encouragement? You, with your grades, and your extra credit, and your awards?
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You didn't make us look lazy enough, you wanted encouragement to do more?
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What are you laughing at?
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She's got a point.
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She can laugh if she wants to.
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Oh, so you think that...
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00:16:41,910 --> 00:16:42,330
Hey!
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Gee, Rita, are you ever gonna' get a job? Why should I, Helen, when you won't
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pay attention to mother? And you, Amy, who asked you?
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Yeah! You had a dance floor at your wedding!
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You're a show-off and a know-it-all.
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You just hide in your room like a kermit!
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Mom likes you better!
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That's because I call her better!
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Oh, Rita...
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Helen...
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I'm sorry.
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Me too. Oh...
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00:17:10,503 --> 00:17:11,726
Why are you here, Amy?
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Daria asked me to come mediate.
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Although, perhaps that's something she's better at than I am.
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Oh, Amy...
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Come here...
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I blame you for this.
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00:17:24,030 --> 00:17:25,941
Did you decide about Gone with the Wind?
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00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:32,520
So, then, after Aunt Amy arrived to save the day and within three minutes had
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00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:36,710
totally regressed into the same pre-school encounter group as her sisters,
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00:17:36,830 --> 00:17:39,949
Quinn and I had to take matters into our own hands.
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00:17:40,097 --> 00:17:43,597
Wow. Growing up in a repressed household is so boring next to this stuff.
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00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:47,530
We always have to pretend problems don't exist. Gets pretty inconvenient when
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there are odors involved.
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00:17:48,707 --> 00:17:53,797
Yes. And speaking of pretending problems don't exist, sorry for giving you the
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short end of the stick this week.
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Hey, you were busy refereeing. I understand.
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00:17:57,970 --> 00:18:02,510
Actually, I think my cousin's little marital crisis made me feel weird about the
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boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Does that freak you out and scare you?
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00:18:06,790 --> 00:18:08,042
No, I guess I could see that.
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Thanks.
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Anyway, what about a movie tonight?
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I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch Gone with the Wind with her.
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Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.
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Pray for me.
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00:18:22,290 --> 00:18:26,330
As President of the Fashion Club, I am putting both of you on suspension for
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00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:30,440
failing to do a wardrobe check before leaving home, and thus appearing in the
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same dress on the same day.
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00:18:32,370 --> 00:18:35,488
But, Sandi, you can't suspend me. It's not fair!
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My dress. It's ruined.
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00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,480
Oh, Tiffany, I am so sorry. It was an accident.
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00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:48,030
Sure it was, Stacy. She'll never get that grape soda out. This calls for severe
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00:18:48,190 --> 00:18:49,510
disciplinary action.
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00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:51,831
But I didn't mean to. I swear!
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I'll give you my dress to prove it.
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You'd do that? For me?
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Of course. You're my friend.
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Oh, Stacy...
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Oh, that wasn't a good idea.
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That movie was so sad.
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I know it made me feel like crying.
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00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,878
Um, Quinn? There's something bothering you,
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other than the saga of our fair nation being torn apart, isn't there?
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00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:18,394
No.
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00:19:18,589 --> 00:19:23,630
I only ask because I finally realized all that stuff going on here this week was
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00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:27,770
making me act strangely toward Tom. So maybe you were having a similar,
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00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:33,191
unanticipated reaction? Such as, oh, wanting to spend time with me?
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00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:38,160
Hello? Oh, hi, dad. The pigeons are at rest.
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Daria? You don't think we'll end up having the same fight over and over again,
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for the rest of our lives, the way mom and Aunt Rita do, do you?
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00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:47,090
No. We'll use weapons.
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00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,433
Don't say that!
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I'll make you a deal. The only weapon I'll use against you will be my winning
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personality, and the only weapon you'll use against me will be your merciless
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silent treatment.
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00:19:58,459 --> 00:20:00,691
Silent treatment? I never...
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Ha! Deal.
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"The pigeons are at rest." That means it's safe, doesn't it? No, "the eagle has
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landed" means it's safe. Or was that a condor?
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Damn it, I can't sleep in here again tonight!
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Written by Jacquelyn Reingold
(Transcript created by Justin Smith)
www.outpost-daria.com
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Synchro by Atrabilogie
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