Original subtitles

(BIRD CAWS)

(DEVICE HUMS)

The acid in the potato reacts with the copper and the zinc.

When electrons are passed from one material to another,

energy is released.

You want to see?

(DEVICE HUMS)

(LAPTOP PLAYS TUNE) Hey!

'Media Bounty Doubles for Absent...

'..Absent Aborigine'.

Stop it!

You're fighting a losing battle, Smallwood.

(POTATO ROLLS) (SMASH!)

(THEME MUSIC)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(WOMAN SPEAKS)

(WOMAN CONTINUES SPEAKING)

Invaders!

Who's Fig brought? How many people are there?

Do they have cameras?

Charlie, the arrival of Fig and his band of gubbas

is a serious breach of Eden 2's security.

It's 1788 all over again.

We need to take radical action. Hoorah!

I can start up a change.org petition.

Will you all sign it? Of course.

Urgh! Petition, my arse. We need to go over there and flog 'em!

Boys, isn't there a more Christian approach?

Pray for locusts to devour their foreskins!

Ooh! LIONEL: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

How do we know they're not just passing through?

They're not on Eden 2. They're just adjacent to it.

That sounds like a suspiciously white-adjacent comment, Lionel.

You're not switching off on us, are you?

Hey, hey, hey. Boys, boys...

Now's the time to centre black voices.

(KIRBY GASPS)

Put your hand down.

MONTY: 'Tis an ominous omen indeed.

GUY: Monty! That dickhead Fig's back.

And he's brought white friends.

I know. I foresaw it.

Whoa. You did?

Yes. I saw their cars approaching.

Right, the time has come.

To the bunker, everyone.

To the bunker. Everyone.

Off we go.

What are we doing? Going to the bunker.

I'm not doing that again.

Onward.

The key to reconnaissance is to remain totally undetected.

Hey there, fellow preppers! Fuck!

GUY: Fig, didn't we already kick you out of the group

because of your oily nipples?

Yeah. And then I stepped on a bear trap.

But I want you all to know that I bear no grudges, OK?

We're just here to introduce ourselves and say g'day.

Hi. I'm Paisley.

And I'm Clementine.

G'day. I'm Brody.

And I am Lexi. Ooh!

Namaste.

Namaste? No. Nama-go!

Whoa! Hey.

We're just here to bunker down like you mob.

Yeah, prepping is so hype right now.

When Fig told us about your First Nations bunker,

we realised we had to get one too.

No matter your colour or creed, it's a scary time.

The Caucacity!

Hey! We mean you no harm, OK?

We're just using some excess capital from our property portfolio

to fund an open, inclusive prepping group.

Inclusive? You guys are all white.

And you're all ghillie.

Anyway, our camp is called Shangri-La 2,

and you're all welcome.

And to prove to you all that we come in peace,

we brought you some gifts.

Please accept this cashmere throw.

Ethically sourced, hand-spun by Italian artisans.

Recall your happiest memories from the French countryside

with this ambergris and jasmine candle.

JAYDEN: Careful!

That blanket was probably dipped in smallpox by these colonisers!

What are you doing? I used to have this candle.

This wrap.

I miss it so much.

Come by Shangri-La 2... (SNIFFS)

..for a yarn anytime you want.

We've got enough oat milk for everyone. (CLICKS)

Namaste. Yeah.

Way to back us up, Charlie.

JAYDEN: Yeah, Charlie. Acting like a real sellout.

Charlie! Stop sniffing that candle! True God!

(SNIFFS)

You think ghillie suits are cultural appropriation?

How did they get oat milk? Oat milk?

So creamy.

Lionel, you know what happened last time.

(CHIMES TINKLE)

Charlie! Oh!

Oh, my God.

Again?!

I've been expecting you.

What do you think of Shangri-La 2?

Oh, wow. It's nice.

It's... it's really nice.

I knew you'd like it.

You always struck me as someone with cultivated taste.

You doing OK? Me?

Why do you ask?

Well, far be it for me to comment on your appearance,

but you look like you've been grappling with the big questions.

You can tell that? Yeah.

Lines around your eyes. Oh.

How about I offer you some White Diamond Skin Revolution Creme?

Or maybe some melatonin CBD gummies for trouble sleeping?

I mean, why would I be having trouble sleeping?

Hmm. Televised meltdown?

Angry ex-fiance? Media bounty?

Police?

Fig, I need to know that you're not going to turn me in.

Charlie, if I was gonna tell anyone where you are,

I would've done that weeks ago.

Now, how about that White Diamond Skin Revolution Creme?

OK. Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

(EASYGOING SONG PLAYS SOFTLY)

FIG: Why should the end of the world be unpleasant?

Who says Armageddon needs to be hard?

God.

I miss this.

Ohh...

(PEOPLE CHATTER)

(PEOPLE CHEER)

Happy Australia Day!

(CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY) (CACKLES)

Charlie. You're back.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, babe. (CAMERA CLICKS)

Whoa!

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Thomas, get inside.

(CACKLES) (DOOR SHUTS)

I was wondering when you'd be back.

The truth is I didn't have anywhere else to go.

Since we're telling truths,

I guess I never realised how unhappy you were.

I guess I didn't either.

Hmm. Good point.

It's just, it can't have been all that bad, can it?

Maybe you're just remembering the bad and forgetting the good?

I guess it wasn't all bad.

I think some of it was great.

I'm just very confused at the moment.

Hey, remember when I asked you to marry me?

Marry me, Charlie Smallwood. (CHEERING)

Thomas, I... I love you too, babe.

(LAUGHS) Funny!

THOMAS: We'd just hang out.

Good book?

Reading and laughing.

All the times we were caring and sensitive lovers.

Sensitive and caring.

I'm sorry you had nowhere to go, but I'm not sorry you came back.

I think I still love you, Charlie.

Despite everything.

Feel rejuvenated?

(SIGHS)

God, that was... that was good.

Hey, Fig, can I ask you a question?

Shoot. (CHIMES TINKLE)

Everyone at Eden 2 wants to know why you're back.

Really. Yeah, I get it.

White guy gets kicked out

of the mostly Aboriginal doomsday prepping group,

vows revenge and tries to have some plan to tear you all apart.

That old trope. (LAUGHS)

Well, do you?

Of course not.

And...

..I can prove it.

A treaty?

What happened to you, Charlie?

Oh, this? It's for my tiredness.

She's been body-snatched.

Charlie? Have you been body-snatched?

No way. No treaty, yeah. No treaty now.

Look, it's not like they're gross racist rednecks.

No.

Rednecks would be obvious.

Heed my warning.

Shangri-La 2 is the greatest threat Eden 2 has ever faced

and this will be your final test.

Look, I really think you should give Shangri-La 2 another chance.

(WHISPERS) It's really nice.

No way! This land isn't terra nullius. It's terra full-of-us.

And God willing, we will drive them out!

GUY: I know. We split them up, take them down one by one.

Divide and conquer.

PREPPERS: Divide and conquer! Divide and conquer!

Divide and conquer!

MONTY: They'll never stand a chance.

What is certain is the war has only just begun.

This is your agent of truth signing off.

(BEEP!)

Didn't we used to cast a pod together?

That was a long time ago, Brody.

Yeah, 2018. Feels like a hundred years ago.

'Cognitive Time Perception'.

'Agents of Truth'. Episode 7.

'Agents of Truth'.

We pray for frogs, lice, hail, boils.

In that order. What about some pestilence too?

Namaste! (LAUGHS)

I beg your pardon?

I couldn't help but notice you were praying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were praying. You got any boils on you?

(LAUGHS) You're so funny. Just a quick question.

You worship God so that he will love you.

But how do you expect him to love you

if you don't love yourselves first?

How do we do that?

Worship starts from within.

And God made you, so you are perfect.

And if you are perfect, then why would you worship anyone but you?

Whoa. Wow.

CLEMENTINE: You missed a spot. Karate.

How did you get the drop on me?

You know what the felinologists say. What?

The cougar is an ambush predator.

Lower your guns.

BRODY: You're such a free thinker, Kirby.

Never a sheeple.

'Mixing Human and Sheep DNA to Create an Actual Sheeple'.

'Agents of Truth'. Episode... Episode 23.

23. It was a good episode.

Enlightenment starts with self-love.

Selfie! (LAUGHS) (CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, my God, you guys are so crazy.

I'm not being too forward, am I? Uh, no.

Here. Let me.

BRODY: You and I podcast together.

And when two white people cast a pod together,

it creates an immutable truth

that goes beyond mere likes and subscribes.

What's the second step?

Uh, masturbation. Yes!

Uh... no, not quite.

Self-care.

Let's go shopping!

(ALL LAUGH)

You've got a great body.

Mmm. I really love your skin.

Mmmmm!

Pod with me, Kirby.

Be my double agent of truth.

PAISLEY: I know I am on unceded land.

JAYDEN: I can hear you.

You can hear me?

You have every right to fear me.

But I have so much to learn from your culture, the original preppers.

How can I trust you?

I bring only love. To you, my black male Pocahontas.

Are you my John Smith?

But Pocahontas is a culturally... Inappropriate reference.

But not only that,

a problematically whitewashing of a tragic figure created...

BOTH: by a greedy media corporation for profit.

(BOTH GASP)

MONTY: Well, that didn't go to plan.

They colonised the shit out of us.

Monty, you're exaggerating.

Maybe we were too quick to judge Fig.

Oh! Maybe we're the prejudiced ones.

I mean, think about it.

Jayden has an ally. Guy's finally getting a little bit of nooky.

Kelly and Lionel might actually 'enlighten' up.

And Kirby has a friend.

Plus, they invited us to dinner tonight

at their really fancy camp.

Charlie, look, haven't you learned?

Even well-intentioned whitefellas still carry the baggage of 1788.

Monty, you're being very dramatic.

Ooh, dramatic. You want dramatic, Charlie?

Eden 2 is finished.

Finished!

It's time for me to start over again, Charlie.

EdenX. EdenX?

The moon, Charlie. The moon.

Hip, hip... Hooray!

For the treaty between Shangri-La 2 and Eden 2!

(CHEERING)

Now, before we start dinner,

I'd like to acknowledge the traditional owners of this land.

But I'd also like to acknowledge us,

who are gonna create a new, inclusive future.

Some of us grew here, some of us flew here

and some of us arrived in chains.

(BLOWS)

Beautiful.

And remember, everyone, #ShangriLa2.

Because if you survive the apocalypse

but nobody saw you survive the apocalypse,

did you really survive the apocalypse?

(LAUGHTER) Selfie! Ahhh!

Oh, yes!

Oh, my God, I love you so much!

Now, I hope you all enjoy

the custom-made REMs from Heston Blumenthal.

But before we all dig in,

I want you to know

that I forgive you.

THOMAS: I forgive you, Charlie.

But I never said I was sorry.

I just assumed you were

because your meltdown humiliated me,

Sophie and the entire network.

But if you're willing to admit your mistakes, we can move on.

Why were all these candles lit before I got here?

I was waiting for you.

And the wine was already opened?

God, Charlie, I had a glass to relax when I got home. I deserve that.

No, something isn't right here, Thomas.

You're projecting. You can trust me.

(CHATTER)

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

JAYDEN: Oh, yes! (LAUGHS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

FIG: "How about I offer you some White Diamond Skin Revolution Creme?"

It's not what you think, Charlie.

You lied. Something isn't right.

Your friends are all happy. They've made their choice.

And what's a synonym for choice? Self-determination!

You're twisting the meaning of that.

Have you heard of the autonomous sensory meridian response, Charlie?

Do you know of ASMR?

I love ASMR.

We're not bad, Charlie.

We just want what's best for everyone.

Join us, Charlie.

You're like us.

Always were, always will be.

Integrate. Assimilate.

Integrate. Assimilate. Integrate. Ohh.

You cannot resist the autonomous sensory meridian response.

No!

I have autonomy!

(GRUNTS) Oh!

Oh! See ya!

(MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY)

Monty, I was wrong!

Don't go! We need you here on Earth!

It's over, Charlie.

You can't give up on them that easily!

We can still save them. I just need your help.

It's time to face it, Charlie.

You've been running away from your past.

Like you running away from all of your failed Edens?

Ooh!

You're right.

I am? Yes.

There's one person that can save them, Charlie, and that's you.

Because it's my destiny.

No, because you're the only one left.

Oh. (CHUCKLES QUIETLY)

I thought it was some kind of, like,

cultural or spiritual or prophetic reason.

Because I'm an old black man? Kinda.

Well, that's a stereotype.

Well, luckily, I think I have a secret weapon of my own.

I've been dealing with arseholes like this my entire life.

I know exactly what to do.

SOPHIE: Charlie...

..uh, it's... it's not what it... it looks like.

You are wearing a strap-on! What else is it?

It's for a segment about being

non-judgemental about sexual proclivities.

Oh, admit it, you fucked Sophie!

I did not.

Sophie, be honest.

Well, I mean, technically... I fucked him.

Therefore, technically, I wasn't lying.

Oh!

You are both disgusting! I...

Sorry.

Now, that's the kind of kink-shaming judgement

we're trying to educate people about.

Oh, you are not disgusting for consensual pegging.

But I am confused why you never asked me.

I don't know. The... the power dynamic just felt too weird, too racialised.

But that's not the point. This is... this is your fault.

This is on you. You did this.

You cheated on me first with Kate Miller-Heidke.

And then... then your meltdown just pushed Sophie and I together.

Oh, you are still lying.

You don't start with a strap-on.

You work up... Down.

Dow... You work down to that!

You've been having an affair

since before my intimate encounter with Kate Miller-Heidke.

I knew something was wrong, but you made me think that I was crazy!

Just like you always do!

Marry me, Charlie.

I didn't say yes when you asked me to marry you,

because you didn't even wait for me to respond.

She said yes!

We never read and laughed.

You just played video games in an offensive way.

Good one, TeabagYourMum69! (LAUGHS)

Yes! How good's this? (LAUGHS)

Oh! Shit in my mouth, dick-cheeses! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

LOL.

Pfft! Pfft!

Caring and sensitive lover? THOMAS: and the J-O-B.

You're a dud root.

Oh, happiness.

Whoo!

Oh.

You are acting crazy right now.

Then let me be crazy.

SONG: ♪ I am my, I am my

♪ I am my own panther now

♪ The Penrith panther

♪ I am my own answer... ♪

(DANCE MUSIC)

Hmm.

Whoo!

Tch, tch, tch, tch!

Ha ha!

(LAUGHTER)

What is that? Huh?

FIG: Charlie.

Judging by your depressing Eden 2 boilersuit,

it seems you haven't come to join us.

This is a fake treaty.

This treaty is entirely on their terms.

I just wanted to help your community survive

and thrive with our aspirational values.

Look at the fine print.

You don't care about us.

Share with you? You just want to take our land.

Work with you?

You just want our culture, our knowledge, our labour for free.

Reconcile with you?

We never did anything wrong.

You just want to take our world, everything that we worked for,

everything that we dreamed of,

and destroy it

just to make your life more comfortable.

And then you want us to smile and be grateful because you've said sorry.

Beneath your white mask of civility

hides your true nature.

Body-snatchers!

I knew it.

I podded with you.

Yeah.

Ugh!

(GROANS)

But Clementine and I have a real connection.

Do you? Look, she's already moved on to fetishising another race.

Hey.

When did he get here? What?

I'm a self-sufficient feminist who knows what she wants.

Lexi, she sold you a lie. Self-worship is just narcissism.

And those yoni eggs aren't even real yoni eggs.

They're chicken eggs.

(GASPS) Whatever.

You never should have kicked me out of your group!

I did everything right.

I was nice to you.

You blackfellas think you're so oppressed,

but what about my feelings?

You guys really, really hurt my feelings, you know?

What about me? Me!

A white man.

#whataboutmetoo.

You're just another racist masquerading as an ally.

There's only one thing left to do.

Tear Shangri-La 2 to the fucking ground!

(ALL SCREAM)

(CHARLIE SCREAMS) Oh, Jesus!

You made me think that my feelings weren't real!

Why didn't you just break up with me, Thomas?

Because I thought I could save you.

And then when I realised I couldn't, I didn't want to be a racist.

Everything that you just said was racist!

Let's not throw around the R-word right now.

I know you're angry, but just chill. Yes, I am.

I am angry.

I'm an angry Aboriginal woman!

And there is nothing wrong with that!

(THOMAS AND SOPHIE SCREAM)

Shit! Oh, shit!

Help! Help! Help!

Argh! This lube is flammable!

Oh, shit!

There is so much flammable...

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

Every man for themselves! Run!

Thomas! Help me! Help get it off!

Get it off!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God!

(SOPHIE PANTS)

(PANTS) Be careful!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! (SCREAMS) Ahhh! Ahhh!

(CAMERA CLICKS) Oh, my God!

(CACKLES)

Bloody hell!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(ALL SCREAM) Get away!

Oh, my God! Do something! Do something!

Do something! Oh, my God! Thomas!

(CAMERA CLICKS) Thomas! Oh, my God.

(SOPHIE SCREAMS)

Hey! Give me this.

(CAMERA CLICKS TWICE)

(SIREN WAILS, CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, my God. (SCREAMS)

Oh! Oh, my God!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

PHOTOGRAPHER: My grandfather died for that flag!

It was in a car crash coming home from the shops,

but that's his legacy!

Oh, babe. Oh! Oh!

Oh, shit. Oh, no.

(SIREN WAILS, CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Oh, no! Run!

(SIREN WAILS) Oh, no.

Stop her! Someone call the police! (CAMERA CLICKS)

(BOTH SHOUT)

SONG: ♪ In the streets there's pain and moonlight

♪ I forget where we were tonight

♪ We went... ♪

Yeah! ♪ To the clouds... ♪

MAN ON RADIO: After freaking out live on TV this morning,

she's gone and burnt down a house.

WOMAN: This after fleeing the scene

of an alleged assault this afternoon...

MAN 2: This is an outrage. Where is the respect?

WOMAN 2: Using... Hang on, get this.

MAN 3: A flaming dildo!

And an Australian flag.

WOMAN 3: Police are investigating the incident as a potential hate crime.

I warned you what would happen if you came back.

I'm gonna call the tabloids, the police.

You'll lose everything.

It's too late, Fig. I already called them.

You turned yourself in for the bounty?

I turned myself in for free.

I'm worth more than any bounty. (PREPPERS SHOUT)

I finally know my worth.

Because they saved me.

JAYDEN: Hello. (TAPS ON WINDOW)

(TAPS ON WINDOW) Hello! Are you alright?

(CHARLIE COUGHS)

Hey, come back! (COUGHS)

I'm not running away.

Like Jayden said,

colonise me once, shame on you.

Colonise me twice, shame on me!

Fig! You told us we'd be helping our First Nations people!

Ours?

Get the fuck outta here with that paternal bullshit!

Come on! Let's regroup at my parents' weekender in Bowral.

So, you think that's the last we're gonna see of Fig?

Who knows?

I think we can all agree now - you're one of us, Charlie.

KELLY: Yeah. We saved you. You saved us.

Look, I'm really happy that you saved me,

but, uh, I'm definitely not one of you.

You're totally one of us. No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are. Best friend.

MAN: You fellas reckon I could be one of you too?

MONTY: Sure. Yeah!

MONTY: Welcome to Eden 2, young fella.

CHARLIE: Are you kidding me? What?

What, he doesn't have to do a test or that stupid obstacle course?

I'm Jason. Nice to meet you, guys.

Hey, Jason. Malo, Jason.

CHARLIE: This is so unfair. Fair as a blackfella's bum.

(LAUGHTER)

Good one, Monty. What?

GUY: Oh, no. Charlie's gonna have a hissy fit again!

(LIONEL LAUGHS)

That's classic Charlie. Don't worry, buddy, you'll get used to it.

You can all just shut up!

At least I'm not one of the crazy people

waiting out here for the world to end.

Huh? Run while you can, Jason. Run. (CAMERA CLICKS)

(PHOTOGRAPHER CACKLES) KELLY: Dehmons!

(CACKLES)

I guess it was just a matter of time before they got here.

Here's to the future, then.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

MONTY: That's the spirit, Charlie. (CAMERA CLICKS)

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Indeed. What's the worst that could happen?

('DON'T YOU WORRY' BY ELECTRIC FIELDS PLAYS)

♪ So don't you worry, baby

♪ Don't you worry, baby

♪ Something inside saying don't you worry

♪ It's all in good time

♪ No need to hurry

♪ So, don't you worry, baby... ♪

♪ Don't give up on me now, baby

♪ Don't give up... ♪