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KIRBY: 'Agent of Truth' podcast, episode 205.

If you're hearing this, then we are all dead.

I can only hope that this last episode of 'Agent of Truth'

provides a solemn record of our final moments.

But before we go -

do you need an all-in-one website builder?

(CLUNK!)

(CREAKING)

(BIRDSONG)

No. No way.

But... you don't even know what I was gonna say.

How about, "Hi, Charlie, do you mind

"keeping the chicken in your tent for a few days?

"It won't be any trouble. We promise."

(CLUCKS)

Well, if the chicken's a problem, we could take it now.

No! Stay away from Cluck Norris. Who's Cluck Norris?

I named it. It's my emotional support chicken now.

Here, Cluck. (CLUCKS LOUDLY)

Hmm. What I was going to say is...

Ta-da!

A uniform? No way.

Why not? It's cute.

It's cult stuff.

Plus, 'Vogue' says boilermaker suits are out this season.

I didn't realise you were running away from the fashion police too.

Police? ACAB!

True. Especially the fashion police.

Oh, come on. Be a team player!

Please. Please! Please!

Alright.

One, two, three...

Charlie, smile!

I'm here, aren't I? Showing up isn't enough, sis.

Oh, just take the photo.

(CLUCKS) OK.

Go the mob!

PREPPERS: Go the mob.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Charlie, this is a big day for Eden 2.

The bunker's almost complete.

That's the other thing. Why are we celebrating an 'almost' complete?

It's a big step.

Now smile!

What is it with men always telling women to smile?

Patriarchy, am I right?

Just smile. OK. Fine!

OK, go the mob!

Go the mob. (CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, Clucky! Oh, no, don't leave me!

Cluck! Clucky!

(THEME MUSIC)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

What are you doing?

Hey, unc. I was just gonna pop inside and get dibs on a bunk bed.

Didn't you hear me? Nobody is to enter.

Mm-hm.

Guy! Guy, are you listening? Oh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course. Of course. Of course.

You're thinking about going in the bunker, aren't you?

So what if I am?

Did Monty say you could?

Monty said, "Nobody's to enter."

That means you. None of you!

If you're going in, I'm going in.

You want a top bunk, don't you?

Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.

Alright. But just me and you, yeah?

(KIRBY MUTTERS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

BOTH: Ohhh!

What did you guys shake on?

You guys thinking of going in the bunker?

Maybe we are, maybe we're not. But just Kirby and I.

Monty was really, really clear about that.

Yeah, just us.

Hey, what are we doing? Are we getting our land back?

You guys are thinking about going in the bunker, aren't youse?

KELLY: I'm coming too!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Oh, I call this one!

(GUY LAUGHS)

Guy! What are you doing?

Sorry. I just never got a top bunk as a kid.

All my brothers would get the top bunks and I never got one.

I had to sleep on the floor.

And when I'd complain to my dad, he'd say...

Shut up, Guy! How'd you know what he said?

I thought I'd told you all

nobody's to enter the bunker until I fix the door lock.

We could get trapped. And how did you get past the tape?

LIONEL: Don't worry. Charlie's still out there.

Yeah, it's not like she cares enough to come down here anyway.

Ohhh! Ohhh! Argh! (CLUCKS)

This is a very toxic relationship!

I love you, Cluck Norris, but I can't keep doing this!

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh. Oh!

(CHICKEN CLUCKS) (LOUD CLANG)

Cluck Norris isn't messing around!

(CHARLIE PANTS)

What?

You've locked us in!

No, I haven't. Look.

(RATTLES DOORHANDLE)

Um...

What about this?

(DANCE MUSIC) MONTY: Welcome to the apocalypse!

If you are hearing this, you have been chosen to survive.

(CLICK, THEN MUSIC STOPS)

Get out of the way. Let me do this! What are you doing?

I'm gonna bust us out!

(SPITS) Ew, gross.

They say in times of crisis,

people can be overcome - argh! - with super strength!

(GROANS)

It's no good. Can't even open it with super strength.

So we're locked in here?

This isn't my fault. I didn't even know about the door!

You might've if you came to Monty's twice-daily safety briefings.

What twice-daily safety briefings?

Exactly!

Maybe if you were paying attention instead of complaining all the time.

I don't complain all the time!

Sometimes I cry.

PREPPERS: We know!

LIONEL: Maybe I can pray my way out of this.

(SINGS) ♪ Jesus

♪ Won't you hear? ♪ Hear? ♪

Jesus,

can you help us?

Uh-huh-huh.

Nope. Nothing.

No miracle.

Because we don't need a miracle.

I'm sure Monty has some kind of plan.

You know, he designed the bunker. He'll know what to do.

Hey, where is Monty?

Monty, can you please tell everyone it's going to be fine?

Wrong.

I hadn't finished installing the carbon filters

in the ventilation system.

We have a limited air supply.

(ALL GASP)

Well, how much do we have left? Whatever's in the bunker.

Shit! I don't think I can do this. I'm... I'm... I'm freaking out.

I know Aboriginal people have a shorter life expectancy,

but I'm too young to die!

I mean, even at Aboriginal standards!

Jayden!

OK.

Jayden, as someone who recently suffered

a crippling emotional breakdown,

I think I can help you.

Help me? You can't even help yourself.

You did this. Get away from me.

You're cursed. Cursed!

OK, I'm not cursed.

Has it always been cramped in here? Are the walls closing in?

Come here. Come here.

Is my top lip, like, sweating, like, a lot?

Super strength, deploy!

(GRUNTS) (CLANG!)

Ohhh! (WHEEZES) (COUGHS)

Guy, you're using up precious oxygen with your exertions.

We must look after each other.

We're not gonna perish like those poor souls at Eden Prime.

Eden Prime? Perished?

Oh, don't worry about that.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

So that's all we have? A tin of lunch meat and a bottle of water!

And the yo-yos. Aren't you meant to be preppers?

Where's the food? Where's the water?

Up there.

Nobody predicted this would happen. Isn't that the point of prepping?

Well, we have another problem too.

The dunny isn't working.

MONTY: Oh, well, that's because I never connected

the toilet to the holding tank.

Well, somebody used it before I found out it wasn't working.

OK, it was me. Protein shakes go straight through me.

Oh! Well, maybe it's a good thing.

It's a blessing in disguise, you know?

Toilet doesn't work. Not enough food. Cancels each other out.

Oh, yeah, like, if we had someone smart here also called Guy,

it would cancel you out, you idiot.

At least I'm not the idiot that locked us in here, idiot!

Idiot. Hey! Cut it out, you two.

Look, Eden 2 is expecting a delivery

of off-brand Spam in four days,

so when Probert arrives with the Spom,

we'll get him to let us out of here.

Probert? Yes, my driver's name is Probert.

So off-brand Robert is delivering the off-brand Spam?

Yes. Hmm.

So until Probert arrives with the Spom,

we have to ration the food and the water,

hold our goonas, and take teeny-tiny breaths

to conserve oxygen.

Try it. Teeny-tiny breaths.

Teeny-tiny breaths. (MAKES SLURPING SOUND)

(ALL BREATHE IN AND OUT)

I think you've got it.

And on the upside, there's yo-yos for everyone.

KIRBY: If only it were that simple.

I've done the math.

Based on square footage,

I calculate that the bunker holds around 90,000 litres of air.

Yeah? That's... that's heaps!

Incorrect.

Air has only around 21% oxygen,

so there's around roughly 19,000 litres of oxygen in the bunker.

Now, humans,

the p... the human peoples,

breathe about 600 litres of oxygen per day,

so between us that's around 4,200 litres,

which is about four and a half days worth of oxygen.

That's enough, isn't it?

Uh, Monty's delivery guy...

Probert.

Yeah, Probert. He arrives in four days.

Incorrect. With every breath out,

we breathe carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

So we'll die of CO2 poisoning before we suffocate.

(COUGHS) Will we at least die peacefully?

Incorrect. Horribly.

Nausea, fatigue, diarrhoea, mood swings,

dizziness and...

..personality changes.

Jayden.

Jayden!

CHARLIE: Ohh.

But what about the teeny-tiny breaths we practised?

Even with teeny-tiny breaths, hypoxia will kill us.

Why did you tell us this, Kirby?

Well, because... I...

Uh... I can't. (ELECTRICITY BUZZES)

Because what?

Because maybe maths can save us.

I ran the numbers.

So if there was six of us,

then we would survive until the delivery man...

Probert. His name is Probert.

..until Probert arrives.

Wait.

You said six, but... there's seven of us.

Correct.

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

Uh... Charlie.

Hi. Hi.

Hi... Hi!

Um, I hope you don't mind me coming. (DOG BARKS NEARBY)

You invited me on Facebook.

I did?

Oh, that's right. I did.

Go in.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE)

Just wanting a good life as an Aboriginal person is political,

and that changes with individuals.

But individualism is a white construct.

Yeah! Fuck white people!

OK, that's, like, the sixth time she's said that tonight.

Well, she's going through a crisis.

Fuck 'em. Fuck white people.

Am I right or am I right?

Well, don't you?

What? Fuck white people.

Sis, don't. Don't.

(LAUGHS) What do you mean?

Ha ha.

I mean, didn't you dump your white fiance

in front of your white colleagues on a white TV show

after telling them you cheated with another white person,

in front of an all-white crowd on a white supremacist holiday?

I don't think the crowd was all white.

I think there was an Asian guy there.

OK, I'm just saying you turn up here saying,

"Fuck white people," as if that's why we're here.

I mean, isn't it?

No!

We're here in solidarity after mourning invasion.

You've been here 15 minutes,

and, sis, you still haven't noticed you're the only one dancing.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Now, why are you here?

(CHARLIE RUNS OFF)

TREENA: Sis! Sis, Casey didn't mean that.

CASEY: Yes, I did!

I'm not coming out!

Not ever.

What are you doing? I'm writing a will.

Anything in there for me?

Guy, we're all going to die down here.

Why would you even write a will?

I thought everyone hates you out in the world.

Yeah, so?

If you're cheating me, I wanna know who's getting what.

I'm leaving what little I have to my mum.

I thought you hate your mum.

It's... it's complicated.

How do you even know that?

You're always taking out that old photo and ripping it up

and putting it together again

and then ripping it up, then putting it together again.

Then ripping it up, then putting it together again.

And then you rip it up... Guy. Guy. Guy.

Shh.

Leave Charlie alone.

We need to keep quiet to conserve oxygen, OK?

OK.

Thank you.

'Agent of Truth' podcast,

episode 205.

If you're hearing this, then we are all... dead.

I can only hope that this last episode of 'Agent of Truth'

provides a solemn record of our final moments.

But before we go...

..do you need an all-in-one website builder?

Support for this episode...

Kirby, I thought we agreed, no talking unless absolutely necessary.

I'm pretty sure a podcast qualifies as "absolutely necessary".

Besides, Charlie, I have a responsibility.

To what?

To record the last ever episode

of 'Agent of Truth'.

A doomsday diary...

Kirby, I cannot stress this enough -

please, please, don't do this.

Smallwood, it's important.

For 'prosterity'.

If we are going to die down here,

then the whole world should know

how we lived out our lives with collective dignity.

GUY: Yeah...

..guess I hate my dad.

What I wouldn't do to get out there and fight him one more time.

I reckon I could finally take him.

BOTH: And deliver us from evil. Amen.

I want us to make love. What?

Um...

But what about God? What about our vow?

But if God didn't hear our prayers,

then his eyes probably can't penetrate the concrete.

Good... Good point.

Um, but... but... but what if this is a test?

What if he turns us into a pillar of salt?

Lionel, if we're all going to die down here,

then I want us to be intimate before that happens.

We have had sex with a hundred different faces

in a hundred different places,

but I want to make love to you.

I want our final breath to coincide with our first orgasm together.

Oprah Winfrey!

Oprah Winfrey?

It's the first time you've ever used that safe word, Lionel.

I know. I know, but we... we can't.

God is gonna know it's premarital. Or someone will tell him.

And we will go to H-E-L-L.

I just...

Think about what's at stake, OK? Of what we could miss out.

You know, an eternity of sex heaven

filled with heavenly sex and sex toys.

(CHUCKLES)

And we'll be angels, so we'll have sex wings.

Who needs a sex swing when you've got sex wings?

Oh, I love the way you describe heaven.

But I don't wanna die a reborn virgin,

so you'd better figure out a way to get us out of here, Lionel.

OK. OK.

I need to go to the toilet!

OK.

LIONEL: Oh!

JAYDEN: Hello, Lionel. Jesus.

(METAL SCRAPES)

Jayden, hi. I don't really have much time to talk right now.

But I gotta find a way out of here, OK?

'Cause Kelly and I are gonna make love, we're gonna go to sex hell,

we're gonna miss out on sex heaven,

I gotta stop talking, I'm using up too much oxygen.

(METAL SCRAPES) I think I can help you.

I think I can help all of us. Mostly.

Jayden, are you OK? I'm perfect.

Can I ask you a question, Lionel? Yeah.

What does the term 'model minority' mean to you?

Model minority?

That's there to perpetuate the stereotype that Asian-Australians

are well-behaved but submissive citizens.

That's right.

The white man uses that term to drive a wedge between us,

to convince us that there's a correct type of minority.

But the white man's wrong.

Yeah, fuck the white man.

See? You and me are more the same than different.

Let me put it this way - are you submissive, Lionel?

No! No.

If anything, back in the day I was the dom.

In fact, there are some circles

where they still know me as Master Spanky.

Right.

So this plan to just lay down and die -

what is it if it's not the ultimate act of submission?

Dying here together is just the white man's brainwashing.

Yes!

And would Master Spanky just lay down and die, Lionel?

No. Master Spanky would not.

You and I have a lot in common, Lionel.

If we want to live, we need to stop being the model minority

and start acting like the dominant majority.

Dominant majority.

Seven of us entered. Six leave. Are you with me, Lionel?

Seven entered. Six leave. Seven entered. Six leave.

BOTH: Seven entered. Six leave.

You can't be serious!

Listen to yourselves.

You've got cabin fever. It's the carbon dioxide talking!

If it was the carbon dioxide talking,

our voices would be all (HIGH VOICE) high and squeaky.

No, that's helium. No.

This is for the greater good.

Jayden, this isn't like you at all.

JAYDEN: That's because I was so busy being afraid

that I never realised that proximity to death

could make someone feel so alive.

And horny. What?

Nothing.

So how are we going to choose? You want this too?

I want to live. Don't you? Of course.

I reckon I'd like to live.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but we can't all live.

That's the problem with Jayden's plan. Someone has to die.

I was hoping someone would offer themselves up...

..as a sacrifice to the greater good.

A sacrifice? Fine.

Who volunteers to be sacrificed?

There we go. It's over.

Oh, no, it's not, Charlie.

It's only just begun.

'Agent of Truth', final episode.

We find ourselves at a philosophical dilemma.

With no-one willing to self-sacrifice,

the residents of Eden 2 have been forced to ask themselves,

"Is it ethical to kill one to save the rest?"

I asked each of them to justify why they should be the ones to live.

Well, that's simple.

Lionel and I plan on repopulating the world.

So just you and Lionel are gonna repopulate the whole world?

If Adam and Eve can do it in 6,000 years, so can we.

Seven billion descendants in just six thousand years?

Ambitious.

Well, we'll have children and those children will have children.

Oh, so, inbreeding? Hmm? Like the royal family?

No. That's gross.

Don't listen to Kirby. Why not?

We can do it, you and I -

procreating again and again and again.

All the time. That's why we've got to live.

Gross.

JAYDEN: Kirby. Kirbster. Kirbarino.

Jayden. What about you, Kirby?

Will you, in the ultimate display of white allyship,

lay your life down for all of us?

Well, I was thinking that I should survive to tell our story.

We don't need another white person to tell a black story.

I thought if I told the story with consultation and respect

and then the proper credit, then it'd be OK.

Right? Don't you hear yourself?

"So long as I..."

Don't you see, Kirby?

You've problematically centred yourself in the narrative already.

Well, it's not as if you've got a better reason to live, Jayden.

I'm the youngest! I have my whole life ahead of me!

Well, by that thinking,

Monty should be the one to self-sacrifice, then.

What? No!

I gotta pay Probert for the Spom.

See? We're not murdering anyone!

Of course you'd say something like that, Charlie.

Yeah, because what you're saying is nuts.

Well, you haven't said why you should live, Charlie.

Huh? What?

GUY: Yeah. Charlie got us into this mess.

She locked us in.

You only came to Eden 2 when it was useful for you.

So you could hide.

Hey, I'm one of you.

So where's your Eden 2 jumpsuit?

You wouldn't even make a little tiny effort.

Well, I'll just go put it on. It's, like...

Too little too late, sis.

Monty, tell them we're not murdering anybody.

Nobody's murdering anybody in the bunker.

Right?

Step aside, Monty.

Make me.

OK.

Seven entered. Six leave.

PREPPERS: Seven entered. Six leave.

Seven entered. Six leave. Seven entered. Six leave.

Seven entered. Six leave.

Get out of the bathroom now!

I just wanted your help!

None of us know you. None of us see you in the community.

Yeah, you might be a black face on TV,

but you don't use your platform for our mob.

Yeah, well, what about Brooke Boney?

Well, what about her?

Well, you wouldn't treat her like this!

No, we wouldn't.

Because Brooke's alright. Brooke's been here all day.

Brooke's here? Brooke! Brooke!

Brooke!

Listen, we've been watching you perform

good little Aborigine every day on TV

for a couple of years now,

all the while having nothing to do with our community.

You might be Aboriginal,

but, sis, you're not black anymore, not inside.

You're white!

I'm not white! All take, no give!

(GRUNTS)

(DOOR SLAMS)

(SOBS)

(VOCAL CHOIR SINGS SERENE TUNE)

(SING ALONG TO SERENE TUNE)

KIRBY: To the listeners of 'Agent of Truth',

Charlie Smallwood has agreed to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Isn't that true, Charlie?

I have.

You don't have to do this, Charlie.

Yes.

I do.

(SONG ENDS)

All take.

No give.

Charlie, we want you to know

that to honour your sacrifice, Kelly and I will name a child after you.

Not our first or second child,

but one of the later ones.

We will, I swear.

JAYDEN: And on every day on the anniversary of your sacrifice,

we will celebrate Charlie Day,

a day of mourning and dancing...

..and... and stuff.

Now the group must face the next difficult question.

Who will it be that delivers the first killing blow?

We all must wear the responsibility of our choices.

Wait! We could use those tools to break out of here.

It's too late for that now, Pop.

Shh.

If I could just say one thing.

(CLEARING OF THROAT)

I want you all to know that I'm doing this

as a final act of helping my people.

I don't wanna be some TV coconut who lost everything on Invasion Day.

Make this my legacy.

And if I could just echo something that I heard earlier...

..they say that in times of crisis...

..people... can be possessed

by super strength!

(SLOW-MOTION) Super strength!

What the...? Wha...

(SCREAMS) Whoa!

Are you all fucking mad? (WHIMPERS)

I told you that those jumpsuits will make you look like a cult,

and look what you've become -

a murderous cult high on carbon dioxide!

Well, if you want me, you can come and get me,

but let me tell you that I'm not gonna take teeny-tiny breaths.

I'm gonna take big, gulping mouthfuls of air

and I'm taking you down with me!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

She's not kidding! She's taking big gulping mouthfuls!

Stop her! Stop her!

(INHALES)

(BANGING)

(KELLY CRIES)

(LOUD BANGING)

Wait! Was that the door?

Has Probert arrived early?

Are we saved? Probert!

(CHARLIE SIGHS)

(CLUNK!)

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)

Mum?

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?