Original subtitles

(TENSE MUSIC)

This morning's show was an absolute disaster.

What were you even thinking?

You'd only just met Kate Miller-Heidke.

How did you even have enough time to seduce her?

Actually, don't tell me.

I may have been wrong about you and Sophie,

but this has been a long time coming, Thomas.

No, no, no, no. You fucked this up.

Not Sophie. Not me. You made us all look stupid.

Happy Invasion Day, Thomas.

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

(PHONE RINGS AT OTHER END) VOICEMAIL: Hi.

This is Marie Smallwood.

I'm not here to take your... Fuck!

Mum, why don't you ever answer?!

G'day, Charlie. How you going? (CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY)

Piss off! Aww, don't be like that!

Get a real job, you cockhead! (LAUGHS)

(CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY) (CACKLES)

(SONG PLAYS SOFTLY) (SIGHS)

(BURPS)

Why don't you take a photo? It'll last longer.

(CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY)

(JAYDEN CLEARS THROAT)

What's in that?

Uh... Huh.

About half a cask of Kelly's communion wine

and a little rubbing alcohol.

I call it Jesus Jizz.

That is deeply blasphemous.

Chill, sis.

You want some? Yes.

Ah! (JAYDEN CLEARS THROAT)

It's a bit early. Are you OK?

I'm great.

And nothing is going to ruin my mood.

Nothing. You hear me?

(THEME MUSIC)

Good morning, preppers.

This ventilation system is Eden 2's lungs,

drawing in and filtering air from the outside.

Without it, we'd all suffer from each other's boorays.

What?

'Booray' means 'dirty farts', my Sri Lankan chum.

Exactly.

So, I need you two to dig a trench

for the air intake and the exhaust vents.

Dig? I dig.

You dig. (CHUCKLES) You dig. (LAUGHS)

(BOTH GRUNT) (RAP SONG PLAYS)

Bro, if you wanna get this done pronto, you gotta dig like me.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're gonna wear yourself out. You gotta go with the rhythm, bro.

Ooh-ah!

(GRUNTS)

(RAP SONG CONTINUES)

Ahhh.

Ahhhhh.

Ohhh. Charlie! Check this out!

Oooh! (CLANG!)

Ooh, bro, I think I hit something!

What's that? Is that a...

Is that bones? Ooh!

Jesus! Holy shit!

Blasphemy. We've got to get Monty. Monty!

What up, gang-gang?

Charlie, we found a skeleton.

Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, this isn't your nan, is it?

No! My nan's buried over there

in an actual gravesite with an actual headstone.

What a relief! That's not a relief!

The fact that these bones aren't my nan's isn't a relief.

Don't you know what that means?

That the discovery of this mysterious skeleton

could put the fate of the bunker and the whole of Eden 2 at risk,

forcing us to return to our regular lives?

I mean, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

See? I'm not that stupid.

So, what do you think of this, huh? Hmm? Ahh. Oh. Uh.

Ooh.

Stop, it's weird.

Ooh! What you gonna do, brother? Ahhhh!

KELLY: This land could be cursed by dehmons.

Dehmon? What's a dehmon?

I think she means 'devon'. No! Dehmon!

Like an angel but evil, from hell, not heaven. A dehmon.

You mean demon? It's 'deemon'.

L-E-M-O-N. Lemon.

D-E-M-O-N. Dehmon.

No-one says 'leemon', so why would we say 'deemon'?

Kelly's definitely right. It's dehmons, like lemons.

LIONEL: And when God gives you dehmons, you make dehmonade.

Stop! Stop!

Have you even considered that these bones could be Aboriginal bones?

What makes you say that?

Because it has a musket ball in its head.

(DING!)

This area was rife with conflict during the Frontier Wars.

Colonisers were told to shoot black people on sight.

Don't they teach you this in school?

We used to make boomerangs out of popsicle sticks. Does that count?

Alright, then, so, what do we do? Let's, uh, call the cops.

Huh!

"Hello, is this the terrorist organisation

"that enforces the violent value system of our colonial oppressors?

"Oh, it is? Great! I'd like to report some bones."

Fuckin' A, bruz. ACAB.

All Christians Are Beautiful?

Oh, suck a dehmon, Lionel. OK, then, who do we call?

Nobody. We just pretend we never found the bones.

So, you know, let's just cover up the skeleton

and get on with waiting for the world

to burn or flood or, you know, whatever.

KIRBY: I know what to do.

For us white people,

there's only one thing to do when old, mysterious bones

are found without any suspects or leads.

'Agent of Truth', podcast episode 199.

I'm joined by my fellow preppers... No.

..whose identity I'll keep secret.

Firstly, we ask, what do the denizens of Eden 2 think should happen next?

We should have an exorcism, lest the restless dehmons haunt Eden 2.

No. To catch a killer, we must first think like a killer.

No, stop! We need to take this seriously, guys.

Yes!

I think we need to engage a First Nations archaeologist.

No! We don't need any more outsiders coming to Eden 2.

Why? Are you in trouble with an exorcist or something?

No. They just might, you know,

discover the secret location of the bunker.

(CLICKS) MONTY: Kirby, if I might interrupt.

I believe I have some records

of local Frontier Wars somewhere.

The plot thickens.

That's the thing with you whitefellas -

you deny it, but you wrote it down.

Now, I will find my records

and I believe we could put this matter to rest, factually.

Whoa!

Monty, sorry, but this... this is a true crime podcast.

It's... it's entirely speculative. Cue the music.

(IMITATES FAST DRUMMING)

My records are here somewhere. I just haven't kept up with filing.

(SONG PLAYS ON RADIO)

Eden 1-C? Wait. There was an Eden before Eden 2?

Eden 1-C was the third in the original series

of numerically designated Eden 1s.

Wait. So, there were three Edens before Eden 2?

Well, not including the very first Eden.

That was just called Eden. It was your nan's idea.

Oh, wow! Why did Nan call it Eden?

Well, because we were like a black Adam and Eve.

H'adam and H'eve. (LAUGHS)

(MONTY LAUGHS) Hmm.

I wish I knew more about Nan.

Why do you reckon she never told me?

You'd have to ask your mum about that, Charlie.

Yeah. I'll just leave her another voicemail.

Hey, Monty? Yes.

Can I tell you something? Yes.

There's a media bounty on my head.

Oh! Nobody can know that I'm here.

OK.

I suggest you put down that moonshine, get out there

and tell the rest of that mob to stop making this situation worse.

OK.

But I am not putting down my moonshine.

(CHARLIE GRUNTS)

GUY: Hey! What are you doing?

What does it look like? (GRUNTS) Hey!

Stop it! I order you! No!

(GROANS)

You can't just cover up your problems and pretend like they don't exist.

Sure I can! Plus, the booze helps. Who wants?

Uh! No. Hey...

It's not too late to open your heart to the Lord, Charlie.

Don't listen to Kelly.

White people opened up their hearts to the Lord

and the Lord tells them to kill other white people, poor people,

Muslim people, queer people, trans people...

OK, we get the point. Heathen.

They killed heathen people too. We need to take this seriously, guys.

We need an Aboriginal archaeological consultant.

Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. Who's with me?

No, please don't do this.

Sorry, sis. You lost that vote by a landslide.

LIONEL: Yeah, but how do we find an Aboriginal archaeologist?

We need an Aboriginal person who's an archaeologist,

not some gammon white expert on Aboriginal sites.

You feel? I feel.

So, what we need is an Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist?

Exactly! An Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist.

Hmm. So, where do we find this Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist?

I know just the guy to find him. Who?

Me. I'm the guy. Guy!

Guy the guy will find the Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist

and will be back like a boomerang.

(IMITATES BOOMERANG SOUND)

Just go!

It's going to be a disaster.

Huge disaster.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Welcome.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(CUTLERY CLINKS NEARBY)

So, you saw the show this morning?

It, um... wasn't so bad.

It was bad, but thank you for trying, Dad.

Um... I just need a place to stay until this all blows over.

Have you asked what's-her-face? Mum?

Last I heard, she was at a colonic retreat in Bali.

That was three years ago.

Yeah. Your mother always was full of shit.

Nice, Dad. Really nice.

(CUTLERY CLINKS NEARBY)

Look, can I stay?

You know I wouldn't ask if I didn't have to.

It's not that I don't want to help, Charlie. I do.

It's just that... (CLATTER NEARBY)

Well, we don't have a whole lot of space at the moment.

Not even the garage?

Well, that's Gwynnie's pottery studio now.

It's where I pot and potter.

I would be honoured if you would accept this Australia Day gift.

Thanks, Gwynn.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Kevy-roo, have you told her?

Told me what?

I'm a White now.

You're what?

I took Gwynnie's name when we got married.

Kevin and Gwynn White.

GUY: Whoa! Wait till you see what I got!

What the hell, Guy?! Ooh.

There was a long waiting list for cultural consultation,

but I cut in line.

Everyone, meet Quincy Gibson,

associate professor of archaeology at WSU -

our Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist.

ALL: Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no, no!

What?

Quincy, are you here of your own free will?

QUINCY: No, definitely not.

Great! We've become kidnappers! Sick!

No, not sick.

You know as soon as we release him,

he's gonna go straight to the press or the police.

Oh, I get it.

So, once he's done, we bury Quincy too?

Ruthless. What? No!

Please don't hurt me! I won't tell anyone!

Whatever I've done, I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait!

Is this about Ron? Is Karen behind this?

Ron? No, I'm Guy. Don't tell him your name!

I mean, I am a guy with a regular name.

Jayden's my name. No, no! Don't use my name!

I mean, use not my name.

Nice save.

OK. We need to remain anonymous.

No names, OK? OK.

Uh, I got... I got this. (CLEARS THROAT)

(SPEAKS WITH ACCENT) Wagwan, Professor Quincy,

we just need your advice.

We need you,

our trusty Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist.

QUINCY: My advice? On what?

(GROANS)

Now, Professor Quincy. Just put your hands...

QUINCY: Bones! Bones! Now he'll definitely tell people.

Oh, I told you I'd take care of it. Please don't kill me!

It is about Karen, isn't it? She's still mad about Darren.

But I paid her out with the insurance money!

We had a deal, goddamn it!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Who's Karen?

Just tell us about the bones, Quincy, or I'm gonna...

No. OK. They're... human bones.

And? And that's it.

That's it?

I'm an Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist, not a psychic.

Now, let me go!

We need to know who the bones belonged to.

Well, then I need more information. I need to see the bones.

This guy's useless. We need to take the blindfold off.

No way. Not without compromising our identities.

So, facial reconstruction surgery?

I'm sure we can do this

without having to surgically change our faces.

(LIONEL WHISPERS) I've got an idea.

(LIONEL WHISPERS)

(SCREAMS) Argh!

(SCREAMS)

(KELLY HISSES)

(SCREAMS)

(DOOR OPENS)

MONTY: Found it! Oh, you did?

I finally found my EdenX schematic.

We had big plans to be the first blackfellas in space...

..that we know of.

What about your records? No luck.

I know they're here somewhere. Just give me a moment, Charlie.

Please, Monty. What?

Actual crimes are being committed.

Guy's kidnapped an Aboriginal archaeologist.

An Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist?

Yes, an Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist.

Good. No! Not good.

Look, I've managed to keep our identities

and location a secret... for now.

See? You're more capable than you think, Charlie.

It's only a crime if you get caught.

And if I get caught?

Blame Guy.

Skull shape indicates the remains are biologically male.

Looking at the teeth, they died at an adult age.

Based on bone ossification, 19th century.

Are the bones Aboriginal?

Forensic anthropology isn't a settled science

when it comes to determining race.

Some parts of academia even regard it as racist.

What about DNA?

There isn't enough DNA data of Indigenous Australians

to determine race or do genetic tests.

How do we find that out?

Well, I would know more if you could tell me where we are geographically.

No way. Our location stays secret.

I'm sorry. All I can say is these bones are colonial-era bones.

This guy's useless!

So, what are you all watching?

MAN ON VIDEO: Not with the government...

What about you?

My name's Malachi.

Cool. OK, Malachi.

I'm watching YouTube.

Aww, cute. What are you watching?

Ever heard of Jordan Peterson?

Why are you watching that far-right shit?

What, are you, like, the evil kid or something?

That's the problem with you lefties.

You have to create a political binary.

What?

You need a dynamic where I'm evil so that you can play the victim.

Ah-ha, I was just joking. I'm only here because of my dad.

Your dad loves me more than he loves you.

No, he doesn't. Yes, he does.

Because Kevin makes active choices to make his life better.

He takes personal responsibilities

and defines himself by our White values.

Now, that's why he's one of the good ones.

What the fuck, dude? Aren't you, like, 11 years old?

Mum, Mum, Charlie swore! You fucking dobber!

Your son is saying some very disturbing things.

Which one?

I don't know. Whichever one is called Malachi.

Malachi? I don't have a child named Malachi.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

RAP SONG: ♪ This for my day ones

♪ Yeah

♪ This for my day ones

♪ Chilling and grinning and whinging with me

♪ Way back since the beginning This is for the women not quitting

♪ And killing it, dreaming about the time... ♪

GUY: Round two, huh?

♪ Hopping out the linen, we driven

♪ Hip swinging, making moves so we never stay... ♪

That's some nice dance moves you two have got going on there.

LIONEL: Like what you see? Yeah, yeah, sure.

Are you two dancing partners?

What? No! Actually, you're an academic, yeah?

I am.

Well, maybe you can help us with something. Who's sexier academically?

Sure.

Academic ethnomusicologists use the anthropological approach...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We just want to know who's sexier, nerd.

Uh, yeah, sure. Got it.

Well, go on. Dance away. Show me what you've got.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Nice! Yes!

Now... now... now turn around.

I need to see you from behind to make an academic judgement.

Dance away. Show me how you shake those butts.

(RAP SONG PLAYS NEARBY)

Ahhh. (BURPS)

QUINCY: Freedom! (CHARLIE SCREAMS)

(BOTH GROAN)

Hey, I recognise you from the TV!

You're that giant talking thong who had a meltdown and set fire...

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! KELLY: Hey! How did you escape?

(RAP SONG STOPS)

You two! Shame job! Come on. LIONEL: Guess we call it a draw, huh?

'Wake Up Australia' - that's you, isn't it?

Charlie Smallwood.

Ohh. They're paying good money for information on you.

Unless... Unless what?

You make me a better offer.

But you're a professor of archaeology at WSU.

You're an Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist.

What happened to academic integrity?

They don't give out tenure like they used to

and I have a gay wedding to pay for.

If I knew how expensive it was, I would've voted no.

Gay wedding? What happened to Karen?

Long yarn short, I left Karen for Darren.

This is black-on-blackmail!

The way I see it, you're out here with weirdos

and you've kidnapped the Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist.

Ooh, the media will eat this up.

So, if you want me to shut up, you have to pay up.

I can't.

Oh, you will.

I have nothing. Look around.

I'm broke and alone and surrounded by losers.

(ALL GASP)

Guys, it's a private conversation. Bit of respect.

Well, you're fucked, then.

Just like that cuck Ron when I burnt down his warehouse with Karen

and then hers with Darren.

(CHUCKLES)

Fuck!

(MODEM BEEPING)

(EXCITING MUSIC)

(BELL RINGS)

KELLY: She's coming. She's coming. Oh.

Ohh.

We have a problem.

Yeah, we do.

We know what you did. We heard everything.

So, you've been spying on me?

It doesn't matter. The damage has been done.

Fine, yes, it's me, the Aboriginal woman who had a meltdown on TV.

Stuff went down on Invasion Day and I ruined my life.

Now the media are looking for me and paying a bounty - a big one.

So, go ahead, cast me out, turn me in and collect the money.

Just, please, just make it quick.

Not that. Nobody cares about that.

You don't?

What if other things were to come out about what I did?

Hypothetically worse things?

No, no, no, no, no. You called us losers, Charlie.

If anyone here's a loser, it's you. You've been drinking since 11am!

More like 8am. Actually, she started last night.

So, that's what you're mad about? Me calling you losers?

You don't care that the media are looking for me?

ALL: No! Oh, Charlie.

Someone's always looking for us, Charlie. That's why we're at Eden 2.

Are you so vain to think that you're the only one

with a mysterious hidden past?

You know, we were excommunicated from our fifth church

because of our love for each other, baby.

It's a crazy, sexy story. It all began in the winter of...

Not now, Lionel.

So just to be clear, you don't want the money from the bounty?

No! Of course not!

There's no judgement here at Eden 2.

And you're all going to hell anyway, except for me and Lionel. (LAUGHS)

Charlie, wait, wait, wait.

Did the Aboriginal Aboriginal archaeologist say

who he thought was the sexier dancer out of us two?

SONG: ♪ Most people I know... ♪

Yes.

♪ Think that I'm crazy

♪ And I know at times... ♪

Hey, wanna hear a joke about Aboriginal people?

Not... No, no, no. I am taking you to your mother. Come on.

Charlie's trying to hit me! Antifa! Antifa!

Political violence! Political violence! All lives matter!

All lives matter! No, I'm not!

Who do you think they're gonna believe?

You're right.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

I can't swim! Help!

Yeah, right. What 11-year-old can't swim?

(SIREN BLIPS)

You tried to drown him, Charlie.

I saved that racist shit. Oh! Mind your language!

That R-word S-word is our son.

I tried to be a mother to you, Charlie,

but now I can see why your mother was never around.

Fuck you, Gwynn. Oh!

And, by the way, your pottery is shit.

Oh! I will not be attacked by this hate speech.

Then stop attacking people with your hate pottery.

Oh! MAN: Thanks, mate. Yep.

I was Malachi's age when you left me and Mum.

What does that have to do with it?

You're still here.

You want me to leave Gwynnie? Is that it?

Well...

I have a right to a life.

Yeah. A white life!

That's my name.

I think it's time that you left.

You're right.

But before I go...

GWYNN: No! I hate you, Malachi!

(THUNDER CRACKS) (MALACHI SHOUTS)

Malachi! Mummy! Mama!

MALACHI: Mum! Mummy!

(PANTS)

(SNIFFS)

(BLOWS)

What do you want?

My name's Kirby.

You might've heard of me and my podcast, 'Agent of Truth'?

Nope. Sounds shit.

Well, hmm, it's not.

In fact, I've made a special episode, just for you.

You what?

It's the true crime story of one Mr Quincy Gibson,

associate professor at WSU,

adulterer, fraudster, drug dealer and...

..manslaughterer.

KIRBY ON TAPE: 'Agent of Truth', episode 200.

The year is 2014.

Karen Richards and her then husband, Ron Richards, are newlyweds,

having just started an antiquing business.

But everything changed the day they met Quincy Gibson

in the underground sex casino in Queensland.

Stop it! How do you know this?

Maybe you want a little more?

(TAPE REWINDS)

Quincy's grip tightened on the antique shovel,

standing above Ron's lifeless body with Karen.

Little did she know, Quincy would soon leave Karen for Darren,

despite voting no in the marriage equality...

I said stop it! There's more, hours more.

What do you want?

ALL: Spin, spin, spin... JAYDEN: Keep spinning him.

..spin, spin... LIONEL: Yeah. Push.

QUINCY: Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohh! CHARLIE: Uh-oh!

LIONEL: Do you guys think he's really going to keep our secret?

Yeah, I'm sure.

This is literally the only time a podcast

by yet another white person has actually been useful.

I still think we should've buried him.

Man, all those shenanigans and Quincy

couldn't even tell us about the bones.

Sellout! QUINCY: Ooh!

MONTY: Oi!

I thought I told you fellas to wait until I found the records.

Ahhh! That's right.

QUINCY: Ouch! So?

We think of the murder of Aboriginal people

as something historic, from the distant past.

But by the 1830s,

the murder of Aboriginal people by white colonial settlers

was accepted.

(SLIDE CHANGES)

And this lasted over a hundred years.

Round here, the settlers were led by a cruel man,

a real dog.

He shot, burnt, beat, hung

local Aboriginal people.

It was an apocalypse.

(SLIDE CHANGES)

But a small group of blackfellas survived and struck back.

They ambushed this colonial dog and his men,

stole their weapons and turned the guns back on them.

The blackfellas had their revenge.

(SLIDE CHANGES)

And they buried that leader's body here -

shallow enough to be found

as a warning to any white mob

to fuck off.

So, that skeleton

is a murderer,

colonial, psychopath, invader dog?

It is.

A dehmon! I knew it!

Well, I think we know what to do now.

('WE ARE FAMILY' BY SISTER SLEDGE PLAYS)

KIRBY: Eat dirt, you white colonial murderer!

Whoa!

SONG: ♪ We are family... ♪

(LAUGHTER)

♪ I've got all my sisters with me... ♪

(CALLS OUT)

♪ We are family... ♪

(MONTY LAUGHS)

MONTY: See? That's not so bad.

A little bit of desecration.

(MONTY LAUGHS)

Better get used to it.

There's going to be plenty more of it after the apocalypse.

(LAUGHS)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

(DOGS BARK IN THE DISTANCE)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE)

(DOOR OPENS)

Huh. Uh... Charlie!