Original subtitles

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(CHATTER)

Alright, we good?

Thomas, I am very uncomfortable about this.

It's just a sausage sizzle eating competition. It'll be fun!

Do I have to wear the flag?

You're right. You are... Babe, you are right.

I'll just pop... There we go. Better?

Can't Sophie do this?

You know she can't.

In fact, here she comes now. Sophie!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

MAN: We love you, Sophie!

SOPHIE: Charlie!

It's so lovely to see you embrace the spirit of Australia Day.

Actually, I was just talking to Charlie

about your discomfort

in being around the... you know, you-know-what.

Ever since that disastrous cucumber farm story,

the optics of me being near anything phallic are...

..problematic.

I can't be a meme again. I just... I can't.

How about the fact I'm an Aboriginal person, wearing an Australian flag,

about to stuff sausages down my hole?

How are those optics?

Great! It's inclusive, it's diverse.

It's unifying. But most of all, it's great television.

MAN: When are you gonna start? Alright, here we go, everyone.

Three, two, one. Action.

Welcome back to 'Wake Up Australia'.

Here we are at Australia Day's biggest barbecue

and sausage sizzle eating competition.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) On the count of three.

One, two... Go!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(THEME MUSIC)

(SIREN WAILS)

(SIREN WAILS)

(SNIFFING AND GRUNTING)

MONTY: OK, you mob.

Today we're gonna test ourselves as survivalists.

And by 'us', I mean 'you'.

You're all going on an authentic

pre-colonial overnight First Nations survival exercise.

(PHONE RINGS) (LIONEL MUTTERS)

Sorry. Um...

Stupid telemarketers!

As I was saying...

You'll need to work as a team to survive.

Question. Is this compulsory?

Is survival in the post-apocalypse world compulsory?

No.

If you want to stay at Eden 2, it is.

Yeah, but I'm just gonna slow everyone down.

That's true. All Charlie's good for is meat.

Juicy meat.

Ew! Don't sexualise me.

Ew! No!

I was just assessing which cuts we're gonna have to make

when we eventually have to eat you.

The thigh. Thigh. Yeah.

Thigh! Thigh! Thigh!

No, no, wait. Hold on. That's offensive.

Thank you, Jayden.

What? No, not you.

I resent Guy's characterisations of First Nations people as cannibals.

See, my pop always says that plays into 'savage' stereotypes

used by the white man to justify colonisation.

So if we do eat Charlie,

we do it not because we're Aboriginal,

but through our own self-determination.

Nobody's eating anyone. Yet. (PHONE RINGS)

Charlie, Charlie... Sorry. Sorry!

Don't you just yearn to cut the umbilical connection

with your fax machines and your beepers

and to switch off and go bush for a time?

(PHONE RINGS) Fuck, leave me alone!

So, Monty, there's no phone reception

on this survival wild thingie exercise, yeah?

Correct.

I'm in.

MONTY: "And so your adventure begins.

"Heed my instructions and all will be well.

KELLY: Oh. Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Oh.

MONTY: "First, follow the ancient songlines along the sandstone ridge."

We're lost. Admit it!

We're not lost. See?

"Follow the ancient songlines along the sandstone ridge."

Yeah? Which sandstone ridge is that?

Relax, Charlie. This is my pop's land.

I am from this land and my ancestors will look after us.

That's all very well and good... GUY: Quiet!

Monty said we need to work as a team.

And every team needs a leader. Every tribe had a chief.

Actually, 'chief', along with 'tribe', 'clan', etc,

are white terms applied to Aboriginal people to make us seem...

Whatever. We need to unite around the alpha of the pack and that's me!

So shut your holes while I lead us all to safety!

Let's go. Let's go.

(SIGHS, THEN GROANS)

Dammit!

These are designer.

A very, very expensive, fancy, exclusive designer.

Ugh!

MONTY: "If you followed the sandstone ridge,

"you should end up at a great tree trunk hollow,

"offering bounteous water."

Anyone see a tree trunk hollow?

Or a hollow tree trunk?

Or anything trunk-like and hollow?

(KELLY LAUGHS)

Hello? Wanna help?

God put us where he wants us.

In this way, we can never be lost.

KELLY: Let me just say...

..we may not have any water, but God has definitely made me wet.

Ohh. Ugh! (CHUCKLES)

Excuse me. I'm just... gonna have a wee.

Test, test.

'Agent of Truth', episode 198.

I'm going to prove that the legendary Penrith panther is real.

The what?

I thought you'd never ask.

Gather round, truthlings.

Legend has it

that the panther escaped the circus in the 1970s

and now lives here, in the wilds of Western Sydney,

occasionally glimpsed, but never truly seen.

We're surrounded by 60,000 years of Aboriginal culture,

and of course the white lady is interested

in some gammon introduced species.

Shh! How many people has the Penrith panther killed?

Great question, Guy. Nobody knows.

Zero. The panther doesn't exist.

Charlie, you know, without the 'T' in 'native', you're just 'naive'.

And the 'T' is that most of the panther's victims

have been misattributed to the serial killer Ivan Milat.

OK, that is all deeply offensive.

And there is no panther!

Lionel?

Lionel!

You could've told us you needed to do a poo!

(SOFT GROWLING)

Lionel, do we need to up your fibre intake again?

(MOANING)

(MOANING)

Oh, yeah!

(SHOUTS) Kelly!

Um... Jeez... Uh... It's... it's not what you think!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Kelly's back. Alone.

Penrith panther killed Lionel!

Lionel's death will be avenged!

No, Lionel's alive.

He's just dead to me.

You killed Lionel? No!

I caught him shaking hands with a false prophet.

Well, let's go get this false prophet, then!

No! He was self-pleasuring.

(GASPS)

Kelly! Kelly, please, please let me explain.

Talk to the hand. You might as well - you made love to it.

Oh, come on, that's...

Ohhh! Kelly! (INSECT BUZZES)

Argh! Is anybody else being bitten by bugs?

You want something for that?

No, it's just one little sting.

Seriously, Jayden, I have some antihistamines.

No, no, no. My pop used to say,

"You can't free the body until you free the mind."

I'm here to decolonise. So should you.

MAN: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

PEOPLE: Oi, oi, oi!

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

Aussie! Oi!

Aussie... Oi.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

SOPHIE: Do you think she knows?

THOMAS: She has no idea what's going on.

Yeah, I don't know,

just... Charlie seems a little bit tense or something.

I just... Sophie, look at me. Look at me.

She has no idea, trust me.

OK. Whoa!

Kate Miller-Heidke! Hi!

Hi! Sorry, am I interrupting?

No! No, no. Nice to meet you. I'm Sophie.

Hi. Kate. Hello. Thomas.

Kate. EP.

It's short for 'executive producer'.

The boss man.

(SOPHIE LAUGHS) (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Hello.

Charlie, what are you doing?

Uh... Ah-ha.

Um... Hello! (LAUGHS)

Oh, I was... I was just meditating.

You know, disconnecting from my surroundings to take the time to...

To galvanise your spirit and manifest your intentions?

Yes! That is exactly what I was doing.

I am a huge fan of transgressive intentional meditation as well.

Wow, that's... that's really cool.

I'm... I'm Charlie. Nice to meet you.

Host... Co-host. Co-host. (LAUGHS)

Co-host of 'Wake Up Australia'.

Charlie, you have a little something on your face.

Do you mind if I...

Oh, of course.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC)

Anyway, Kate Miller-Heidke,

how about I give you a little tour of the set-up?

Yeah? OK, sure.

Yeah. Come. Camera's over here.

Nice to meet you. You too!

(CHUCKLES)

Must be nice. What?

Being Aboriginal and not having other white women see you as a threat.

Did you see how much nicer Kate Miller-Heidke was to you than me?

I mean...

There is an especially hot place in hell

for women who don't support other women.

♪ What do I know? What is so cold?

♪ What is so cold? What do I know?

♪ What is so cold? What is so cold?

♪ What do I know? I know!

♪ What is so cold? What is so cold?

♪ What do I know?

♪ What do I know? What do I know?

♪ What-what is so cold?

♪ What is so cold? Cold, cold... ♪

Oh, Kelly. Kelly!

Kelly! Kelly, come on, just...

Kelly, I was... Can we talk, please?

I was just jiggling out a wee.

Yeah, the wee was stuck,

and so I was just squeezing the wee out

so that it wouldn't leak later.

Kelly, just... please! Enough!

As chief of the tribe, I order you to make out and make up.

Great.

Why don't you stick to being chief of minding your own business?

Kelly, please! Come on!

(BRANCH SNAPS) Oh!

Come on!

We're being watched. I can feel it.

If the panther's out there,

this majestic piece of machinery will find it.

It measures energy wavelengths,

dialled specifically into the feline EQ bandwidth.

You're welcome. No.

You use your machine, but in combat, there's only one thing I trust.

That thing is me.

Stand down, soldier. We need the panther alive!

Guy? Kirby?

Monty's instructions are clear - stick together!

MONTY: "Aboriginal people lived in small family..."

I don't have time for this!

Ugh! (THUD!)

Fuck.

This skirt is 100% silk.

(DEVICE HUMS)

(DEVICE HUMS)

(TWIG SNAPS) (TRIGGER CLICKS)

Ugh!

Ohhh! (THUD!)

I'm hit! Man down! Man down!

Is it bad?

Is it bad? I think the arrow grazed your leg.

Can you walk?

Can I walk?

I've trained for this moment my whole life, ladies.

(GUY GROANS)

KELLY: Did the panther do this to Guy?

CHARLIE: No, he hit himself.

While trying to kill the panther to save you!

The bolt might've hit an artery. OK, it didn't hit an artery.

I worked as a veterinary's assistant in the summer of '99.

Guy, we have to take your pants off so I can check the wound.

Hey, whoa, whoa...

OK.

(ZIPPER UNZIPS)

(GROANS)

Wait. Is that a nappy?

What? No!

These are military-issued recon briefs.

That's a nappy! No!

Desert Storm snipers wear them on sorties.

It's still a nappy. No, it's not!

You're wearing a nappy. Stop saying that!

Come on, now. Let me see.

Come on, bub. There, that's a good bub.

It's stopped bleeding. For now.

Wow. Wow. That was really brave of you, Kelly, hey? Well done.

Don't think you can sweet-talk your way out of the doghouse, Lionel.

Guys, we have a problem.

I think I'm about to fill my recon briefs.

What? Oh!

The adrenaline, it's making me...

Don't you dare. I'm warning you! This is not a game!

And this is not a nappy! This is the apocalypse.

And I am your chief! (WET SQUELCHING SOUND)

If you need to change my nappy, you will change it!

Goddammit! Oh.

Ohhh.

Sophie?

Charlie! (COUGHS)

Are you eating a sausage? What?

You said you couldn't be around sausages

because of anxiety and trauma and memes!

My struggle with ingesting phallic-shaped foods

is a daily war, Charlie.

And today was a good day.

Sophie, what's wrong?

Charlie shamed me.

Charlie, you made Sophie cry?

(CRIES) Unprofessional!

'Unprofessional'?! Yeah.

I just ate 15 sausages!

Can you just please stop saying S-A-S-A-U-G-E-S? It's triggering.

Well, it seems there are some shaft shapes

that Sophie is very comfortable with.

What are you talking about?

You tell me, Thomas!

Sophie, come over here. You alright? It's just really unfair!

Are you OK? Yeah.

Oh! Oh.

More sauce, huh?

You just can't catch a break.

Today must be tough for you.

It is.

Kate Miller-Heidke?

Yeah?

Will you come help me... clean up?

SONG: ♪ I remember yesterday

♪ You were crying at my face

♪ Sit in silence Think about it

♪ Reckon it is sinking down ya... ♪

(GUY GROANS)

(GROWLING)

Kelly? You're not still mad, are you?

I thought our promise was clear.

Look, I know, no excuses. But I just... think you're overreacting.

I'm overreacting?

Yeah, it's not like you haven't seen someone do this before.

Oh, ha ha! Hundreds!

Just not you.

OK, I get it.

All I'm saying is remember when we made that pledge of celibacy to God,

we also promised to remain sex-positive.

Lionel, we have to take our promise seriously.

Otherwise, what's the point?

We should just strip off and do it right here, right now.

Fuck in the bushes. Right.

Well, we can't do that, can we?

Right? Lionel.

It doesn't matter to me what we did

or to who or... how or...

..where or... how many.

It's in the past and I have no regrets.

But our pact, the pact we made with each other,

that matters.

(SHOUTS ANGRILY)

Silly bastard!

Seriously, Jayden, take an antihistamine.

Put him down. (GUY GROANS)

(INSECT BUZZES)

Oh, my lipstick. I was looking for that.

Hey! That was expensive! Stop!

Don't you guys see?

No-one else is being bitten but me.

This is my people's land. This is personal.

Just because you're comfortable living in the white man's world...

I'm not comfortable living in a white man's world,

but we'll argue about that later.

Right now you're having a very severe allergic reaction

that you're attributing to some kind of cultural whitewashing

in a misguided attempt at racial autonomy.

Here.

Please take an antihistamine!

No!

My pop always says that recovery begins the moment you're broken.

I'll be rebuilt stronger, more resilient,

more black!

No, no, Jayden, now is not the right time to swell up and die.

I'm going to live.

I'm gonna walk out of here.

I'm gonna live.

I'm gonna see my grandchildren grow up. Argh!

Ooh. (INSECT BUZZES)

I just think that it's unfair that I can't even... you know.

Lionel, I can't hear what you're saying.

Mosquitoes have bitten my ears. Speak louder.

That I can't even masturbate!

Ohh.

You do seem henpecked by Kelly. Henpecked?

I expect more than racial stereotyping from you.

No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

Asian men can be sensitive without being weak.

How old are you?

20.

Pfft! 20!

When I was 20, I'd had sex with 69 people.

Purely coincidental number, by the way.

I wasn't just bi-curious. I was all the curiouses.

How many ways have you done it? Um... both?

Look, I'm sorry.

Asian men are erased from the narrative

that centres white ideals of sexiness.

And?

You're a sexual tyrannosaurus.

Damn right.

Damn right...

Mushrooms!

Thank you, my ancestors.

My ancestors are cutting me some slack.

Kelly, I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Can you hear my confession?

(THUNDER RUMBLES) It would be an honour.

And this is just between me and you, right?

It is. And God.

Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

We're lost.

We're really, really lost.

I knew it!

What? This is between me and God!

You dickhead, Guy! (GROANS)

I'm gonna die and I'm not even gonna see the end of the world.

And that's a bad thing? That's the worst thing!

Kelly, promise me one thing.

Anything.

Forgive Lionel.

Anything but that.

Lionel is a good man.

He's not a perfect man, but you know in your heart

that he's the perfect man for you.

Oh. I don't think I can.

Kelly. Forgive Lionel.

Forgive him for having a wank.

OK, Guy.

OK.

OK, Kelly, he's gone.

You are a huge arsehole for getting us lost!

But that was a really nice thing you did for Lionel and Kelly.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

I thought I could be the chief of our tribe.

But I'm no good out here, like I was in my old life.

What were you in your old life?

A really good-looking vacuum cleaner salesman.

You were a vacuum cleaner salesman? No!

A really good-looking vacuum cleaner salesman.

But it doesn't matter.

Whether whitefellas came here or not, I'm still a loser.

You're not a loser.

I'm wearing a nappy!

Actually,

those are military-issue recon briefs

that snipers used in Desert Storm.

We found some bush tucker!

Are you sure those are OK to eat?

(LISPS) Yes, I know.

I inherited a sixth sense from my pop.

A what? A sixth sense!

I know you're hungry, sis. (THUNDER RUMBLES)

Mmm.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(GROWLING)

You didn't think I was real, did you, Charlie?

You're just Kate Miller-Heidke in make-up.

Who's Kate Miller-Heidke?

I'm Cat Miller-Heidke!

I'm the Penrith panther! Rarr!

Are you definitely a panther?

Could anything except a panther do this?

Panther! Argh!

You literally just said the word 'panther'.

I also have a tail. See?

OK. Ha. So you're, like... a panther.

Are you going to eat me? No! I'm here to help you, Charlie.

Listen.

(ELECTRONIC SONG INTRO)

(SINGS) ♪ I am the panther that found answers

♪ Stood up and took my chances

♪ Once I was down, an average clown

♪ Working in a circus in a dirty town

♪ Trapped in a cage

♪ Where children would poke me with sticks

♪ Seething with rage

♪ Forced to do tricks for a bunch of dicks

♪ I bit one off and ran away

♪ I am my, I am my

♪ I am my own panther now

♪ The Penrith panther

♪ I am my own answer

♪ See me cruising

♪ See me dancing like a child

♪ The Penrith panther

♪ Panther!

♪ Panther in the wild!

♪ I am my, I am my

♪ I am my own panther now

♪ The Penrith panther

♪ Out on my own

♪ See me cruising

♪ See me dancing like a child

♪ The Penrith panther

♪ Panther in the wild

♪ Right where I wanna be, right where I belong

♪ Right where I wanna be, right where I belong... ♪

(VOCALISES OPERATICALLY)

♪ Right where I wanna be, right where I belong

♪ Right where I wanna be, right where I belong... ♪

(VOCALISES OPERATICALLY)

Kate Miller-Heidke! Charlie! There you are.

What have you been doing?

Uh, no... Nothing.

What's with the...

Thomas? Yeah?

I've been having second thoughts about performing today.

I need to speak to my manager.

Oh, no. Uh, no time.

We are live in five.

And I need you on set and in costume.

Costume?

This segment is gonna go so, so viral.

Let's kick it in the dick!

(CHEERING)

Welcome back to 'Wake Up Australia'.

We're here celebrating Aussie cultural milestones.

Stop!

I promised my boss,

my... fiance,

that I wouldn't say

anything today, but...

That's what Australia Day's all about!

Freedom of speech!

Shut up, Sophie.

I can't stand by as people

yell racial slurs

and celebrate a day

founded on genoc...

(MUZAK VERSION OF 'WALTZING MATILDA')

..genocide and I'm forced to do stupid nationalistic bullshit

like wear this giant thong

and stuff burnt sausages in my mouth.

And for what?

Aussie pride?

SOPHIE: Yes! Aussie pride! MAN: Boo!

CHARLIE: I said shut up, Sophie!

For four years, this is all that I've done.

And for what?

After years of trying to be good enough

for you and this white audience.

And where does it land me? (BOOING)

You sleeping with Sophie -

my thin, white, beautiful co-host.

That's right, you pasty motherfuckers. I know!

But guess what -

I kissed Kate Miller-Heidke!

MAN: Ohhh! (LAUGHS) That's right, I kissed her.

I kissed her on her mouth and lots of other places!

All over Kate Miller-Heidke!

On your stupid celebration of colonisation day

that you forced me into!

If you can ruin my day, I can ruin all of yours too!

(PEOPLE CALL OUT) It's over, Thomas.

Take the ring. THOMAS: No...

We're finished!

Charlie, you've got it all wrong.

Oh, yeah? Explain it, then.

We wanted to surprise you!

To show you how much we appreciate you - how much I appreciate you.

SOPHIE: Surprise! See?

I just wanted you to like me, Charlie.

Us feminists have really gotta stick together

against women like Kate Miller-Heidke.

Ohh!

You and Thomas...

..you're not sleeping together? (THOMAS LAUGHS)

No. We're professional, and I thought you were too.

What the fuck have I done?

What the fuck have I done?

(BIRDSONG)

What have you done, Smallwood?

Uh... nothing.

J... Just a dream.

Did you all have crazy weird dreams too?

No. Just diarrhoea. (STOMACH RUMBLES)

So much diarrhoea.

I think those mushrooms were bad.

No! Those mushrooms were a gift from our ancestors.

They were?

And I know just how to get out of here!

(EXCITING MUSIC)

Swallow the antihistamine, Jayden!

The white man may have given you allergies, but if you die, he wins!

OK!

I'm taking the 'antiseptamiss' for all of us.

For my pop.

I love you, Pop!

Pop sounds like a great guy, Jayden.

How is he?

He's dead. Oh.

He died last year.

How'd he die?

He stopped taking his diabetes medicine.

Oh.

Come on! (MUTTERS)

I did it! High five.

GUY: Wait! Stop.

I swore I'd walk out of here alive.

(GROANS)

I swore it. I swore!

MONTY: Well done, everyone!

I knew you could do it!

What?

Wait, it was you that was following us? Not... not the panther?

That gammon beast isn't real!

But I got party pies here.

Alright? Ooh! Party pies!

Lionel. Yeah?

I forgive you.

Ohh!

I'm so sorry, Kelly.

Look, if it's any consolation, I was thinking about you.

I'll give you something to think about until we're married.

Yeah? Mmm.

(WHISPERS AND GIGGLES)

He's wrong, Kirby.

I met the panther. Last night.

She's real.

She?

I know what you did, Smallwood.

"Can Charlie ever undo what she's didgeri-done?"

Are these the telemarketers you're running from?

We have phone reception again?

(PHONE RINGS) Ohh!

Oh!

(PHONE SMASHES)

Oh, wow!

That was easy.

It's not that simple to unplug.

Why? Have we got, like, a microchip in our brain or something?

Probably, but... that's not it.

There's a bounty on your head from a rival network.

You're a wanted woman, Smallwood.

Oh, God.