Original subtitles

SONG: ♪ I'm going up the country Baby, don't you wanna go? ♪

(WOMAN PANTS)

♪ I'm going up the country Baby, don't you wanna go?

♪ I'm going to some place where I've never been... ♪

(COUGHS)

♪ Before... ♪

(THUD!)

Hey. Can you hear me? (CELESTIAL MUSIC)

Are you OK?

(SPRAY SQUIRTS) (GASPS)

Ooh! What the fuck?!

Who are you?! Where am I?

I said, who are you? I'm Charlie...

Answer me! Stop!

What are you doing? Stop!

(HISSING NOISE WITHOUT SPRAYING)

Wait, Fig!

Guy, I'm not gonna tell you how to do your whole water torture thing,

'cause who am I, a white man,

to tell you, an empowered black man, how to interrogate?

But maybe we should let her answer.

Shut your hole. She's my prisoner.

Prisoner?! What is this?

Some kind of... some kind of snuff film?

Some kind of weird interracial snuff film?

It's not a snuff film. You're not even tied up.

Actually, you're free to go.

No, she's not! Didn't you hear what I just said?

(SPRAYS) Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Alright, stop! Stop!

Argh! (SHOUTS)

Guy! Guy! Not the hair. Guy, Guy, that's enough.

(PANTS)

(BIRD CALLS)

Help me.

Come here, bub. You're safe now.

Where am I? How'd I get here?

You don't remember?

CHARLIE: Hey! That's my car! Those are my things!

Those are my clothes!

Wait, where's my phone?

I need my phone. Where's my phone? It's OK. Relax.

I'm Kelly and this is my fiance, Lionel.

Welcome to Eden 2.

Eden 2? Are you a cult?

Hey, we're not a cult.

We're preppers. Preppers?

We're a self-sufficient community prepping for the end of the world.

Like Armageddon? 'Armageddon' ready for anything!

Get it? You're serious.

KELLY: Deadly serious.

Global wars, civil wars, nuclear wars, race wars,

alien invasion, overpopulation,

bushfires, tidal waves, climate change, supervolcanoes.

And don't forget, the four horsemen ushering the apocalypse

as the sun becomes black like sackcloth

and the moon becomes like blood

and the stars of the sky fall upon the earth.

It's a personal favourite. Hey? You are a cult.

This has happened before.

The sun became sackcloth?

What? No.

Not their gammon horsemen nonsense. Hey.

But an apocalypse.

1788, when the First Fleet invaded.

End of the world.

CHARLIE: Hold on.

You seriously can't be prepared for all those things?

That's why we're called preppers and not unprepareders.

Ugh!

Duh.

Here, eat this. You'll feel better.

Mmm.

Wait. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Where's the bathroom? Ugh!

(THEME MUSIC)

(BIRDSONG)

Thomas?

(GRUNTS)

You are enough.

You are enough. You...

Oh, my God, you can't breathe.

VOICEMAIL: This is Thomas. Leave a message at the...

(BEEP!) Hi, Thomas. It's me again.

WOMAN: Yeah, we just gotta get it to the left.

MAN: Morning, Charlie. That's it.

Do you like the new poster?

Good morning.

Bianca Vita Extrait de Parfum.

(SNIFFS) Oh, I love this!

Yes, that's Sophie's.

You know how she is with her Bianca Vita Extrait de Parfum.

Mm. (CHUCKLES)

Alright, people, back live in five. CHARLIE: You are enough.

You are enough. ..four, three...

Good morning. It's January 25. And I'm Sophie McNamara.

And I'm Charlie Smallwood, joining you this morning as we...

We wake up Australia.

(CHEESY MUSIC)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Ah!

(BEEP!) 'Agent of Truth'.

Podcast episode 197.

I'm your host, Kirby X.

What are you doing?

As usual, 'Agent of Truth' comes to you from an undisclosed location...

It's a portable toilet. You can't prove that.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

I'm joined by Eden 2's interloper, Charlie Smallwood.

I'm not Charlie Smallwood.

Yes, she is.

Charlie's a co-host on 'Wake Up Australia',

where she brainwashes the masses with corporate propaganda.

She's a catfish working for the corporate capitalist necktie cult.

'Agent of Truth' is brought to you by 5G-BioShell.

OK, I'm not Charlie Smallwood.

Charlie Francis Smallwood.

DOB - 3 September 19... You got that from my car!

Charlie's here to record some kind of TV expose.

No, I'm not! Then what are you doing on our land?

I'm not on your land. This is my land. Now, let me out!

Get yourself out.

Oh, let me out!

(BOTH ARGUE)

(BOTH WOMEN SCREAM)

Alright, get off. You're squishing me.

Alright, I kind of like it. We don't get...

(GROANS) Gosh. We're out.

Wow! That could've been pretty disgusting.

Lucky I was walking by.

Not now, 'Pantene Pro-V'.

What do you mean 'your land', Smallwood?

I own this land and I do not give any of you permission to be here.

What about me?

Especially not you.

Well, if this is your land, how come we've never seen you here before?

Because maybe you weren't prepared for me.

Now, look, just tell me who's managing this mission

and we could get this all sorted out, OK?

Thank you.

Charlie.

I've been expecting you.

A 10,000-year lease.

Yes.

But I'd be surprised if we'll even need 10% of that

with the way the world's been going.

And you did this deal with my nan?

Was this before or after she went into the old folks home?

Before, of course. (BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY)

But she never mentioned you or Eden

or a legally binding 10,000-year lease

or prepping.

Here, Charlie, I've been asked to read this to you aloud.

"My dearest Charlie,

"I always hoped you'd find your way to Eden 2.

"If you are hearing this letter read aloud by Uncle Monty,

"then you've made it.

"As you know, survival as First Nations people is our strength.

"So I hope you can join Monty and the preppers of Eden 2

"in ensuring the continued survival of Aboriginal people.

"Love, Nanna.

"PS. Whatever you do, don't tell your mum.

"PPS.

"Seriously, do not tell your mum."

You're saying that my nan gave you a 10,000-year legally binding lease

for the continued survival of Aboriginal people?

Yes. Half of Eden 2 aren't even black.

Doomsday prepping isn't cheap.

Besides, it makes it easier to decide who gets eaten first.

(LAUGHS)

Doesn't seem legal.

I could challenge you in court, you know.

Let me see that lease.

See for yourself, Charlie.

This isn't fair.

Fair as a blackfella's bum.

My nan used to say that.

I know.

Look, Monty,

I didn't come here for this

and I don't plan to stay.

I just want my land back.

Charlie, we're Aboriginal people.

We all want our land back.

(DIDGERIDOO MUSIC)

RAP SONG: ♪ These beats got us outta control

♪ Dance around like you never get old

♪ Breaking and popping and my boys pop locking

♪ Got us feeling like we outta this world

(SINGS IN ABORIGINAL LANGUAGE)

♪ Go hard, never lay back, lay back

♪ Too real, can't fake that, fake that

♪ Smile for the 'gram like take that, take that... ♪

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God!

Shit! Where is it?

Where is it?

I know you're there.

No, you don't.

Idiot. Psst! What are you doin'?

I'm looking for my phone. I can't leave without it.

Be careful, Charlie. Why?

There's booby traps everywhere.

I lost a bear trap around here sometime.

Uh... Guy, is it? Sup?

OK, Guy, do you have a phone? I need to call myself.

Hey, don't be snooping on my selfie game.

VOICEMAIL: "Hi, you've reached Charlie Smallwood..."

Shit! I'm out of battery.

Dammit.

Deadly, huh?

Not the bear trap. Me. Like, I'm deadly.

Deadlier than the bear trap.

Like, 'deadly' in, like... like, OK, how blackfellas say 'deadly'.

Like, "Deadly!" Not, like, gammon.

Like, 'deadly, ' like in, like, Steven Seagal in 'Under Siege 2'.

You know, they got the sword and, like, he's on the train

and he's like, "I'll kill you, man."

Yours are so perfect.

KELLY: Sometimes I miss three-ply toilet paper.

(CHUCKLES)

What are these?

They're REMs - ready-to-eat meals.

Monty got them for a bargain.

"Best before 1948."

Everyone, I have an exciting announcement to make.

As per the wishes of Charlie's nan,

she will be joining us in the Eden 2 prepping community.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Monty... (OTHERS COMPLAIN)

I just wanna get it, then leave.

One at a time!

Look, I'm not here to invalidate anyone's right to be heard.

Shut up, Fig.

But I wanna welcome Charlie to Eden 2.

Wrong! As chief of Eden 2 security, we need to be wary of outsiders.

Yeah.

Plus, we're only as strong as our weakest link,

and I'm already carrying Jayden.

Hey!

We don't know what Smallwood's intentions are.

Look at her, all vajazzled.

TikToking in her Twitter-tocracy.

She could be wearing a wire. OK, I am not wearing a wire.

Then strip. Yes!

ALL: Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip.

Strip. Strip. No.

Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip.

No, no, no, no. Strip. Strip. Strip.

Listen.

You are very distracting.

I have no intention of joining your little community.

I'm just here to stay on my land

till I can get my phone and find an alternative place to stay.

Where's your family, Charlie? Can't you stay with them?

No. I tried.

What about your friends? No.

Boyfriend? Husband?

Girlfriend? Partner?

Asexual? Polyamorous?

Perhaps she's polyandrist.

How many brother husbands have you got, sis?

She seems too secretive to be polyamorous.

It's none of your business, OK?

Wow. Nobody loves you.

ALL: Ohhhhh!

Charlie... So sad.

Sad? Sad?! Hey!

That's a bit rich coming from you. From all of you!

Hey, I know, let's do a little experiment.

I love experiments! Great.

Let's go around the table and you can each tell me

how you think the world will end. Ready?

Zombies. Global warming.

BOTH: The Rapture. Governmental overreach.

White people. MONTY: All of the above.

And maybe even an 'astranoid'. See?

You can't even agree on the most basic thing.

The difference is I don't think aliens

or tsunamis or Jesus is coming.

But if they did, I wouldn't wanna spend the rest of my life

in a snuff film dungeon

eating gross turnips like a gross mole person like the rest of you!

Hey!

CHARLIE: You are unique. You are special.

You are, uh... enough.

You are... enough.

I'm not enough.

You are... not.

This is bullshit.

Sonofabitch, it's bullshit!

This is bullshit! It's bullshit!

(SHOUTS)

Fucking bullshit!

(SERENE MUSIC PLAYS)

'Agent of Truth 197', continued. (CHARLIE SHOUTS AND SCREAMS)

Who can pinpoint the root cause of Smallwood's fear?

Is it trouble at the TV network?

Or fluoride in the water? (SCREAMING)

Or perhaps she's finally discovered

that identity politics is a construct of oppression,

invented by alien reptoids in order to divide humans and conquer them?

All equally likely.

(PANTS)

(GAME BLEEPS)

Great show today, babe!

I've been calling you all day.

I've been busy.

Morning shows do not executive- produce themselves, you know.

Well, speaking of the show.

I was thinking that tomorrow...

You mean Australia Day?

I was thinking I could do a piece to camera about invasion.

Whoa, Charlie. Come on, invasion?

Hear me out -

an on-air editorial about what Australia Day really means.

Since when have you been political?

Well, since I've been Aboriginal.

Isn't that enough?

Like, being an Aboriginal person on mainstream television is a statement.

"If you can see it, you can be it." Who said that?

Me. You.

And if you can hear it, you can say it. I have to say something.

You're putting me in a really awkward position here, Charlie.

What, as my fiance or as my boss?

Both, babe.

Four years I've turned up and played along

because you convinced me I should.

This year it changes.

I'm not doing any Australia Day coverage

unless I can do my editorial.

It's either both or neither.

Fine. Don't do either.

Fine!

Wait. Charlie, stop. Don't go.

There's nothing left to talk about.

We don't need to talk exactly.

Why don't you lock that door behind you?

Because you are sexy when you're angry.

How about we have a quickie like we used to?

Have a quickie with yourself, Thomas.

What? Again? (DOOR CLOSES)

LIONEL: A-one, two, three, four.

(SINGS) ♪ Don't you know that the end's a comin'

♪ It's comin'

♪ But it all won't be doom and gloom

♪ No, no, no

♪ And even though we're gonna end up dyin'

♪ End up dyin'

♪ Everyone we know will be dyin' too

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Lawyers! MEN: Dead!

Cops! Dead!

Freaky politicians! Dead!

Whitefellas, migaloos, gubbas! Dead!

Plumbers! Dead!

Coffee guy! Dead!

Everyone we know! Dead!

♪ Don't you know that the end's a comin'

♪ It's comin'

♪ But it all won't be doom and gloom

♪ No, no, no, no

♪ And even though we'll end up dyin'

♪ Dyin'

♪ Everyone we know will be dying too

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Lawyers! Dead!

Cops! Dead!

Freaky politicians! Dead!

My TV show - dead! Dead!

Ex-fiance! Dead!

Hippie mum - dead!

Coconut dad - dead!

My dad's stupid white family - dead! (GUITAR PLAYING STOPS)

That's a lot of baggage, sis.

♪ Why can't we all just get along? ♪

And now this moment - dead. Thanks, Fig.

As we discussed, while you were sobbing uncontrollably in your car,

we all came to a compromise.

We'll allow you to stay at Eden 2...

Only if you complete the Eden 2 challenge course.

CHARLIE: Wait, that wasn't there an hour ago.

There's just the one thing I forgot to mention, Charlie.

In honour of your nan's wishes,

and to respect Fig as our newest member,

it's either you or Fig.

I don't have to prove anything to any of you.

I'm not doing it.

I am so honoured. I won't let the tribe down.

MONTY: There you are. It's done.

Tomorrow you face your destiny.

Destiny.

Alright, everyone, to bed!

Goodnight. 'Night.

CHARLIE: But it's only 8pm.

Late, I know.

(SNORES)

(MOANS)

(GASPS)

Are you watching me sleep?

I'm just making sure you're OK, sis.

I'm fine.

And I don't need a babysitter.

Uh, can I ask you a question... Jayden?

Yeah, OK.

You're not like everyone else here.

You know, you're not, like, a total weirdo.

What are you doing?

The revolution is gonna happen one day and we need solidarity.

It's called self-defence. Self-defence?

Yeah. Colonise me once, shame on you.

Colonise me twice, shame on me.

Yeah, whatever.

Just quit watching me sleep, OK?

OK.

(KELLY LAUGHS)

(KELLY MOANS AND GROWLS) (LIONEL SNORTS)

Hey! Excuse me?

Whoa. Nothing below the waist.

OK, swear to God. God, I swear, God.

What are you doing?

Saving ourselves for marriage. No, not that.

Kelly and I, we have lived very, very, very sinful lives.

Charlie, have you heard the good word

of our Lord Saviour Jesus Christ?

That's not my thing.

It wasn't really our thing until we hit rock bottom.

I was actually rock top.

We were each at our lowest ebb,

drenched in sweat and bodily fluids and...

That's when Jesus came.

Hard. Ohhh!

We knew we needed to change our way of life,

so we chose to be reborn.

As virgins. Mmm.

Waiting to relose our virginities after marriage.

So that it can be special. (LAUGHS)

Again. For the first time. Again.

And again. And again.

And again. So you two have never...

With each other? No. No, no, no, no, no.

Huh!

OK. Well, uh, good luck with that.

In the meantime, please stop guarding me as I sleep.

I know what you're doing.

(KELLY AND LIONEL MUMBLE)

Hey! (GASPS)

Sorry. Oh, my God. OK, enough!

I'm an unfit millennial with no core strength.

I'm not going to do anything.

Girl boss, I found your phone.

Wait, you did? Yeah.

It took me a few hours... in the dark.

And I cut myself and I think it's infected,

but I found your phone.

OK, I don't need to hear your life story. Give me.

Great. The battery's dead.

You could've at least charged it, Fig.

Sorry.

'Night.

This is so annoying.

OK.

(KEYS JANGLE, ENGINE STARTS)

(MULTIPLE BEEPS)

VOICEMAIL: Charlie. It's Thomas.

Listen, you need to turn yourself in to the police right now.

(GASPS) They're gonna find...

(TURNS ENGINE OFF)

(BIRDSONG)

(FIG GRUNTS)

I knew she didn't have the guts.

If it's alright with you guys, I still want to run the course.

I reckon I can beat Guy's record.

You think you've got the big googalas, huh?

I think I've got normal testicles but a positive attitude.

That's not enough.

Hey! Look!

What the fuck is she wearing?

(PANTS)

What are you all looking at?

You never seen a well-dressed, depressed Aboriginal woman

who's come to prove herself

to a bunch of weirdos she doesn't even respect

and run that rickety lawsuit waiting to happen

just because she has nowhere else to go?!

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah.

OK.

Right.

Now, imagine this.

The world's ended.

You're surrounded by starving gubbas who wanna eat your precious meats.

You need to run through the decaying remains of white civilisation.

Fig, you first. You ready?

So ready!

Go. (BLOWS)

SONG: ♪ Let's fly

♪ I will see you on the other side

♪ I am your night, girl, rip my heart out

♪ Darkness falling Yet another night

♪ Come on, Lost Boys, let's stay alive... ♪

Yo! Oh!

A new world record! Yeah!

Whatever! Time doesn't count.

Charlie, you're next.

You ready? Set. Go!

(SHOUTS) (BLOWS)

Go, Charlie!

(DETERMINED MUSIC)

Ohh! (MUSIC STOPS)

Ugh! Fudge.

Ow.

OK, not doing that.

Screw you. You're dead!

(KOOKABURRAS LAUGH)

(GROANS)

(SEESAW CREAKS)

Fuck!

OK.

OK.

Ow.

(GROANS) Yeah.

Over.

(STRAINS) Under.

(GRUNTS)

(PANTS)

Oh!

Yeah.

Didn't... didn't think I could make it, huh?

Fig, Charlie, give them a moment.

(ALL WHISPER)

OK, given that you both completed the course,

we have concluded... it's a tie.

And in the event of a tie,

we feel that we have the final say.

We want Charlie to stay. Yeah!

Wait, what? Yeah. Wait, what?

Guys, I've tried so hard to fit in. Yeah?

Please don't kick me out. Look, I don't even need a bed.

I can just sleep on, you know, the cold concrete floor of the bunker.

Lionel, you know you're my number one favourite Aboriginal.

I'm not Aboriginal. I'm Sri Lankan.

Really? Does Kelly know? Of course I know.

Jayden, mate, I am just like you.

I'm Irish! We're the blacks of Europe!

No, you're white and I'm black. And what you just said is problematic.

Listen, Fig, if this was a zombie apocalypse

and you were bit, you'd want a mercy kill, yeah?

Well, I'm gonna give it to you.

You're annoying and we hate you.

Is that true? Yeah.

Mm-hm.

Alright.

(SAD MUSIC)

(THWACK!) (FIG SCREAMS)

Ah, that's where my bear trap is! Who's hungry?

Oh, yeah. I'm starving. I am.

FIG: I'm OK. I'm OK.

CHARLIE: I miss Nan.

Can't believe she kept she was a prepper from me.

We all have our secrets.

We're all trying to survive something, Charlie.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Well, Eden was built on the idea of rebuilding from the ashes.

It's our motto. Patent pending.

Monty, I'm not like you.

Any of you.

I'm just staying here until...

..until I don't need to.

SONG: ♪ There's a new world coming... ♪

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

♪ And it's just around the bend

♪ There's a new world coming

♪ This one's coming to an end... ♪

THOMAS: Charlie!

Can we talk?

Yeah, sure.

Look, I should never have put you in a position

where you felt like you had to decide

between Australia Day and your identity.

So I just want to say I'm... I'm sorry.

Oh! Oh, wow. Uh, thank you, Thomas.

I am so excited to do the editorial.

I've got all these ideas... Oh, babe, no.

You... you can't do the editorial.

It's too... it's too divisive.

But Sophie's gonna be a good ally

and she'll just host the whole show by herself.

So it's fine. It's fine.

What?

Actually, it was Sophie who suggested

that I... I should apologise.

Bianca Vita Extrait de Parfum.

Hmm? What?

I said I'll do it.

You'll do what?

I'll do the Australia Day show. No editorial at all.

You will? Really? Yeah.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

(LAUGHS) That's my girl. Yes!

♪ Yes, a new world's coming... ♪ (SCREAMING AND SHOUTING)

♪ The one we've had visions of... ♪

THOMAS: Charlie, what have you done?!

Oh, babe. Someone call the police!

♪ Coming in love... ♪

Charlie!

Oh, my God! Everything's on fire!

♪ Coming in love

♪ A new world's coming

♪ Coming in love

♪ A new world's coming

♪ Coming in love

♪ A new world's coming

♪ Coming in love... ♪