Original subtitles

-Aw, only one jelly.

Sorry, everyone else.

-Hey, Abby.

-They screwed me on jellies.

-Thanks for hosting our A.A. meeting here

on such short notice. -Sure. Happy to help.

I'm just going to save my seat.

You know, until Father John told us

that we couldn't use his church basement,

I had no idea that exorcisms could go into overtime.

-And we thought we had demons.

-I'll just put these in the hall.

-Oh. Well, well, well.

Look who thought she could bring fancy doughnuts

into the courthouse and we wouldn't find out.

-I know what's going on here.

Doughnuts. Coffee. Basement.

It's an underground judge club, and you didn't invite me.

-This isn't a secret judge club,

which, by the way, I did invite you to,

but then you told everyone, and we both got kicked out.

-Right, right. -Uh, clearly,

Abby is throwing a charming little party

for Wyatt passing the bar,

and she didn't want our input because,

well, she's threatened by my style

and your...charisma.

-Trust me, this is not a party.

-Oh, it is now that I showed up.

- Yeah. Yeah.

-Yeah, no, I-I can't save this party.

-This is not a party.

-Did someone say par-tay?

I know I said I didn't want a big fuss

over me passing the bar, but...

some fuss would have been nice.

-Hey, you passed the bar on the way here?

Good for you, man.

Come on in.

-Nope. Do not come in. This is not for you.

This is not a party. -Did somebody say "party"?

I knew Abby would make it lame,

so I brought a little party starter juice,

and then I will leave immediate...ly.

Why are we at an A.A. meeting?

-We are? You know, a sign would have been helpful.

-It's kind of supposed to be anonymous.

-So that's what that second "A" stands for.

-We should go.

-Uh, we better get this bottle of scotch

as far away from here as possible.

Uh, let's go drink it on the roof.

-What? Uh...

-Ms. Tierney is charged with breaking and entering

after attending a "Wizard of Oz" karaoke night.

-The defendant got wasted

and climbed through her neighbor's bathroom window,

where, unfortunately, there was a man behind the curtain.

A shower curtain.

-Your Honor, some people need a heart.

Others need courage.

My client is in desperate need of a brain.

We plead guilty and throw ourselves on the mercy

of the Great and Powerful Oz.

-Well, you're not in Kansas anymore,

and I didn't appreciate you asking

if I was a member of the Lollipop Guild.

$300 fine. Be back in an hour.

-I know we just met, but do you want to go see "Wicked"?

-You must be excited to celebrate

with your law-school buddies later.

-Yeah, I've earned a wild night.

We're going to McTaggart's.

They cut off your tie after you pass the bar.

-Is that why you're wearing the tie I gave you?

-Wha-a-a-t?

-Dan! Dan! Dan! Did I miss it?

I would have gotten here sooner, but I -- I had a hell of a time

getting into my protective underwear.

-Why does Flobert have his jewels under lock and key?

-Oh, God. Classic, Murray.

Yeah, I would just ignore him.

-You're keeping something from me,

and I know how to get it out of you.

Through him. So what's up?

-Evidence locker purge.

Every year, they clean that thing out,

and courthouse employees get first dibs.

Ooh, you could get a fancy scale from a meth-lab bust

or the very loofah used by the Loofah Killer.

-I promise it's not that interesting.

-Uh-huh. Flobert?

-Ooh, it is the most interesting thing

you could ever imagine.

But you got to be ready to fight.

It's a real free-for-all.

And thus these.

-No need for your metal panties this year.

Now that I'm Chief Bailiff, I'm changing it up.

-Why change a perfect thing -- that I've always won?

-This year will be civilized

because we're doing it draft-style.

Everyone selects a number from my hat.

Whatever you get determines the order

in which you pick your prize.

And just like a real draft,

someone's going to get stuck in a Dolphins jersey.

-Yeah, it sounds like a lot of hassle to me.

-You really don't want me to do this.

Which makes me really excited to do this.

-Fine. You should experience this.

Alright, so, see you in the records room at 2:00 A.M.

-Fun starts in the cafeteria at midnight.

-So, what did you do to celebrate

when you passed the bar?

-It's a little fuzzy 'cause I was drinking back then.

I'm pretty sure I told my law professor I loved him

and then challenged his wife to a dance-off.

Which I totally won.

-Oh, Abby, it doesn't sound like anybody won.

-Help! Is there a lawyer in the house?

I just got sent to the chair for being too electric.

-Goose!

Oh. What are you doing here?

-It's not every day your best friend becomes a lawyer.

Plus, I wanted to see if those

"get out of jail free" cards are real.

And if they are, I call dibs.

-Hi, I'm Abby.

Do they call you Goose because of "Top Gun"?

I mean, that volleyball scene really kick-started my puberty.

-No, it's because of my college pet.

We thought it was a rival school's mascot.

Turns out, it was just some rando bird.

-It was great until the goose got territorial.

According to Animal Control, she considered us her husbands.

-Hey, let me take you out.

I'm treating you to a T-bone.

No apps, no sides.

-You don't go to McTaggart's for T-Bones.

You go to see what they're willing to fry up these days.

I mean, I don't know what they do,

but if they fried keys, I'd eat them.

-Oh, you already have plans.

I'll tag along.

-Uh, actually...

I don't need to go out. -Mm.

He doesn't want me at a bar

because I'm a recovering alcoholic.

-Aw, me, too.

Wow. We have so much in common.

Friends of Wyatt.

Recovering alcoholics.

I guess that's it.

-Right on. But I can handle it.

It's been two years of me working the program.

I'm good. -Has it really been two years

since I fished you out of the Chicago River?

-Yeah, that was a crazy day.

Especially because we started drinking in New York.

That's my boss,

Go for Goose.

-Taking an alcoholic to a bar is a bad idea, right?

-Hey, if he says he's in a good place,

you should take him at his word.

-Eh, it would be cool to celebrate with my best friend,

but I just know I'll be worried about him all night.

-Well, I can come and keep him company.

Not to brag, but I'm sort of the Simone Biles of sober buddies.

My upper body strength can wrestle a drink

away from anyone.

-Mm.

Ooh, everything good? -Yeah, totally fine.

-Great.

You know what? Let's go to the bar.

-Awesome, man. Just like old days.

Except now you're a lawyer, and I don't need one.

-I just have to grab my coat.

-Okay.

-So, where are you from? -I just got fired.

Sorry. I had to tell someone.

Probably not the best time to go to a bar.

We're going to put this program to the test.

-Great.

Let's see if Simone Biles can stick this landing.

-Big night.

I'm excited to meet your law-school friends.

-Well, before you do, you should know they think I'm 27.

-Ah. Say no more.

I'll introduce myself as your much older co-worker

and slip in that you were born on the day Diana died.

-Or...don't talk to them at all.

I'm going to go say hi.

-Got fired. Walked into a bar.

Step three is usually waking up with no pants on.

I'm kidding. - Good.

We're not going to let a little bump in the road set us back.

Tonight is all about fun.

Excuse me. Two of your finest mocktails, please.

-We only have water.

-Great. Nature's mocktail.

Two of your finest waters, please.

And if any cherries or olives end up in them, that's okay.

-They won't.

-So, are we chasing tail tonight?

-Actually, I just started dating someone.

-Oh. That's amazing.

Who needs a job when you have love?

Tell me about her. -Her name's Danielle.

She works around here at the Foot Locker.

She's sexy, she's funny,

she's...cheating on me with that guy right there!

- Look, I know it feels like everything in your life

is falling apart. -It really, really does.

-But I say, silver lining.

Maybe this is your green light to kiss all the girls you want,

and I bet there's someone in this room

hoping to get kissed right now.

Aah! -Oh, you didn't mean you?

I really, really didn't.

-What about food? Food makes everything better.

-I could really use some mozzarella sticks.

-They got the last one.

-Why-y-y-y-y?

-Damn it, Danielle.

Don't you have enough in your mouth?

-Feast your eyes on all the treasures

the evidence locker has to offer.

-What's under that sheet? I hope it's not a ghost.

-Oh, it's anything but dead.

It's big. It's pointy.

It makes noise when you slap it.

It's a pinball machine.

Oh, let me make sure it still works.

-Mm.

Dan, is it just me, or would that pinball machine

make a perfect dining-room table?

-Huh?

Ah, right, listen, I got my eyes

on something truly divine.

Look at that.

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful

than these Havana cigars, huh?

-Oh, that's right.

You've never seen my wife getting out of a bath.

-I'll tell you what.

I'm going home with these communist candy bars.

-But your draft number is terrible.

You'll be lucky to get that bag of trail mix

from those missing hikers. -Y...

You know what? You underestimate me.

And you overestimate the rest of these people.

Let the dogs chase the shiny objects.

Eventually, this Havana gold will be falling into my hands.

-Dan, are you talking about my cigars?

-What?

You don't like cigars.

You just want them because I do.

-Ooh, you're paranoid.

And correct.

And now begins the delicate dance of trading up.

Hey, Beverly, you know how you've been dying to hang out?

It's time, girl. -Oh.

Wow. She thinks she can charm her way to a better pick.

Well, let me tell you something. Two can play at that game.

-Well, that's true of most games.

-Oh-ho, hey, what a -- an astute observation, Murray.

And, by the way, also, that's a very sharp windbreaker

you're wearing tonight.

-You can't have my number. -But...

Um...oh, Midge. Hi.

I-I know a lot of people think it's weird, but I --

I like the fact that you're an adult Girl Scout.

-Hey. Hi. Me again. You see my friend there?

The only thing standing between him

and a drink is the hope of mozzarella sticks.

And -- And we're not picky. Fry anything.

We'll eat keys.

Oh, finally. -What do you mean, "finally"?

I dropped everything to bring you fried mozzarella sticks.

You know what? If you treat DoorDash like this,

it's no wonder they stopped delivering to you.

-I'll have you know, they stopped delivering to me

'cause, apparently, my nightgown is see-through.

-Alright, alright. Fine. Are you okay?

Because it's not every day you called me panicked from a bar,

begging me to bring you fried cheese.

-Panic? No, I'm just trying to be

a good sober buddy to Wyatt's friend.

-Oh, okay. Fine, fine, fine.

Just as someone who was married to a drunk,

I just want to make sure that you, uh --

like, haven't taken on too much here tonight.

-Oh, I got everything under control.

Used to sponsor people in A.A. all the time.

Okay, fine. Probably too many people.

-Mm-hmm. -I answered so many calls,

my phone bill was insane.

That's how I ended up in Debtors Anonymous.

I took on so many sponsees there

that my therapist said I was in emotional debt.

So to fix that, I started training for marathons,

and that's how I ended up in R.A., runner's anonymous.

And it was there I learned

that if I was chasing after everyone's problems,

I needed better arch support.

But I don't do that anymore.

-Okay, good to hear.

I actually -- I-I quit running cold turkey.

I mean, I almost took a cab here,

and, I mean, we're right across the street.

-Alright. Stick me. Alright.

-There you go. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Oh, yeah. There's your draft ticket.

-Alright. Oh! Jackpot.

If I had known your number was this good,

I'd have brought you fresh sticks

after I dropped those on the sidewalk.

-I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Alright, Goose, I hope you didn't fill up on water

because I got the mo... Goose?

Dan, did you see where Goose went?

Why does everyone keep disappearing?

-Everyone say, "What's a landline?"

-Excuse me, young man.

Would you mind participating in a brief survey

about being young?

-I'd love to, but make it quick.

I don't want my classmates to think we're the same age.

As far as they know.

I recently discovered "Friends" on Netflix.

-Hey, a fun hypothetical party game.

If Goose were to disappear into the night,

where do you think you'd go?

-Well, he doesn't have a lot of options.

He's been banned from everywhere,

including Canada and EPCOT Canada.

Yeah. Something wrong? -Nothing's wrong.

But do you ever get the feeling that something's missing?

Right now it's Goose. Goose is missing.

-Missing?

Maybe he had a work emergency or his girlfriend needed him.

-Nope. Definitely neither of those things.

-It's going straight to voicemail.

Uh, do you think he's drinking?

Damn it. I knew this was a bad idea.

We should go look for him.

- Okay, um, I'll check hotel lobbies.

I know from experience

they have the most comfortable couches to pass out on.

-And I'll take the Statue of Liberty.

Uh, the last time he got drunk,

he said he knew she was a French spy

and was going to prove it.

-Ah, my number is unbeatable.

I had to listen to Beverly ramble on

about her varicose veins, but it was worth it.

-Does Beverly know about compression socks?

I better share the good news.

-Well, I wonder, am I in Key West?

I've got a cocktail, uh, and I can see Cuba from here.

-Alright, wait, wait. Why -- Why are you so happy?

-I -- I can think of one reason.

-How can you have one? I have one.

-I got mine fair and square -- with bribery.

-Yeah, well, I got mine fair and square

by manipulating a sad sack.

-Why are you fighting?

If you don't stop yelling,

you're going to make that box of snakes angry.

-Well, Julianne is making a mockery of your draft

by counterfeiting tickets.

-I did no such thing.

-You both have number one?

Who else has number one?

-Huh? -You're all welcome.

I didn't want to see all our friends fight

over the best pick,

so I slipped a bunch of ones into circulation.

And look at them now. A sea of happy people.

-Do I look happy?

I had to give Beverly 15 minutes of eye contact for this ticket.

-And I had to walk an entire block

with somebody else's fried cheese for nothing.

-You know what? You're a snake in the grass.

-Okay, look, no, I'm not a snake in the grass.

-Enough!

Now, I tried to do something nice for you tonight,

and all you selfish people ruined it.

The draft is canceled.

I'm donating everything to charity.

-Aw, great. Now, when all of our stuff

goes to people in need, just remember you did this.

-Yeah, you.

-Any luck finding him? -No, but I did learn,

if you yell, "Goose," up and down New York City streets,

Animal Control will show up.

-Where have you two been?

Do you know that those children think that Wyatt is young?

Why are you lying to them, man?

Come on. We survived the Summer of Sam.

You should be proud.

-Do you think we're the same age?

-Eh.

-Goose has to be somewhere.

You know what? I'm going to run downtown.

-Abby.

Thought you quit running.

-But this time I'm...

Oh.

Right. -Mm.

-I'm doing it again.

-Uh, Wyatt, I'm -- I'm sorry.

We shouldn't be chasing Goose around the city.

-Why are you sorry?

This is what he does.

I've been dealing with this for over 20 years.

This is the guy who missed my wedding after 17 Jager bombs

and -- and tried to fight my dad at my daughter's baptism.

And I-I'm so tired of always having to clean up his mess.

I'm done.

-Wyatt, um...

-Whoa, dude.

That's...

Yeah.

-Never have your back to the door

when you're doing a long rant, man.

-I really screwed up, didn't I?

I got to go after him. -No, no.

Best thing you can do right now -- let him go.

You know, I don't talk about this a lot,

but when my Sarah first got sober,

ooh, man, I worried all the time.

I felt like if I let my guard down

or if I said the wrong thing,

or if I didn't answer her call quick enough, it would be the --

that would be the thing that made her slip.

I had to learn that I have no control over her decisions.

-Before I got sober,

my parents tried to control everything.

They took away my car keys, then my car, then my bike.

-Your -- -That's right. I biked to bars.

I know. Paints a picture you can't unsee.

The point is,

they had to accept that there was nothing

they could do to keep me from drinking.

It was up to me.

-So the only thing to do is...nothing?

-You can be there for him, but he has to come to you.

-That's my sponsor checking in.

We've been talking a lot tonight.

-That's really good to hear.

Goose, I am sorry about everything I said.

-I'm glad you said it.

I've given you a lot of reasons to worry.

Thankfully, I'm not that guy anymore.

Two years ago, I would have missed this,

but I've had this night on my calendar

since you told me you were taking the bar.

-Wow.

You have a calendar.

-Dude, turns out, it's on your phone.

It's called Calendar.

It looks like a calendar on the icon.

And then you just use it like your own personal calendar.

-Damn, I don't even know you.

You have a steady job and a calendar.

-Well, one out of two, yeah.

-You are going to want to see this.

-Murray, I told you the purge is off.

-Well, you're right, the purge is off.

It's become something better.

Welcome to the Gurge.

-What is this?

-We all picked names out of the hat,

and whoever you get, you have to give a gift to.

I got your name,

and I am gifting you that pinball machine.

It's exactly what I wanted.

My neighbors with the newborn

are about to find out what noise really is.

-Sandy got a giant dead fish.

Timo got a big clock from Flavor Flav's mugging.

And I -- I got the greatest gift of all.

Friendship.

And three bags of money!

-Okay, enough with the hugging.

Let's go get drunk and yell stuff at Wyatt's party.

-Hey, guys, I have an announcement.

Drinks on me!

-We better go.

It's only a matter of time before my secret's out.

I just gasped when my classmates called "Superbad,"

"That old movie?"

-Oh, you can't leave. We just got here.

-Hey, you guys came.

-Every newly minted lawyer needs a briefcase.

Fresh from the evidence locker.

-Now, if you don't want to be disbarred,

I'd, uh, flush anything you find in there.

- Now let's go cut that butt-ugly tie.

-Hey. -Hey.

-I have a little something for you.

These were gifted to me, and now I'm giving them to you.

-Well, how incredibly kind.

Oh, wow. Fine Havana cigars...

and one human finger.

Was that all already in there,

or was that a little something extra from you?

Wouldn't you like to know?

-I'm gonna head out.

You okay? -I'm good.

-Yeah, I know you are.

- Ha-ha! Yes!

We're young lawyer--

Oh, God. My back.

Ooh, Goose, uh, carry me out of here.

-I got you, I got you.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

-Hey. -Yeah-ha-ha!

-It's funny.