All language subtitles for Night.Court.2023.S03E15.WEB

-Aw, only one jelly.

Sorry, everyone else.

-Hey, Abby.

-They screwed me on jellies.

-Thanks for hosting
our A.A. meeting here

on such short notice.
-Sure. Happy to help.

I'm just going to save my seat.

You know,
until Father John told us

that we couldn't use
his church basement,

I had no idea that exorcisms
could go into overtime.

-And we thought we had demons.

-I'll just put these
in the hall.

-Oh. Well, well, well.

Look who thought she could bring
fancy doughnuts

into the courthouse
and we wouldn't find out.

-I know what's going on here.

Doughnuts. Coffee. Basement.

It's an underground judge club,
and you didn't invite me.

-This isn't a secret judge club,

which, by the way,
I did invite you to,

but then you told everyone,
and we both got kicked out.

-Right, right.
-Uh, clearly,

Abby is throwing
a charming little party

for Wyatt passing the bar,

and she didn't want our input
because,

well, she's threatened
by my style

and your...charisma.

-Trust me,
this is not a party.

-Oh, it is now that I showed up.

- Yeah. Yeah.

-Yeah, no,
I-I can't save this party.

-This is not a party.

-Did someone say par-tay?

I know I said
I didn't want a big fuss

over me passing the bar,
but...

some fuss would have been nice.

-Hey, you passed the bar
on the way here?

Good for you, man.

Come on in.

-Nope. Do not come in.
This is not for you.

This is not a party.
-Did somebody say "party"?

I knew Abby would make it lame,

so I brought
a little party starter juice,

and then I will leave
immediate...ly.

Why are we at an A.A. meeting?

-We are? You know,
a sign would have been helpful.

-It's kind of supposed
to be anonymous.

-So that's what
that second "A" stands for.

-We should go.

-Uh, we better get this bottle
of scotch

as far away from here
as possible.

Uh, let's go drink it
on the roof.

-What? Uh...

-Ms. Tierney is charged
with breaking and entering

after attending
a "Wizard of Oz" karaoke night.

-The defendant got wasted

and climbed through
her neighbor's bathroom window,

where, unfortunately, there was
a man behind the curtain.

A shower curtain.

-Your Honor,
some people need a heart.

Others need courage.

My client is in desperate need
of a brain.

We plead guilty
and throw ourselves on the mercy

of the Great and Powerful Oz.

-Well,
you're not in Kansas anymore,

and I didn't appreciate
you asking

if I was a member
of the Lollipop Guild.

$300 fine.
Be back in an hour.

-I know we just met, but
do you want to go see "Wicked"?

-You must be excited
to celebrate

with your law-school buddies
later.

-Yeah,
I've earned a wild night.

We're going to McTaggart's.

They cut off your tie
after you pass the bar.

-Is that why you're wearing
the tie I gave you?

-Wha-a-a-t?

-Dan! Dan! Dan! Did I miss it?

I would have gotten here sooner,
but I -- I had a hell of a time

getting into
my protective underwear.

-Why does Flobert have
his jewels under lock and key?

-Oh, God. Classic, Murray.

Yeah, I would just ignore him.

-You're keeping something
from me,

and I know
how to get it out of you.

Through him. So what's up?

-Evidence locker purge.

Every year,
they clean that thing out,

and courthouse employees
get first dibs.

Ooh, you could get a fancy scale
from a meth-lab bust

or the very loofah used
by the Loofah Killer.

-I promise
it's not that interesting.

-Uh-huh. Flobert?

-Ooh,
it is the most interesting thing

you could ever imagine.

But you got to be ready
to fight.

It's a real free-for-all.

And thus these.

-No need for your
metal panties this year.

Now that I'm Chief Bailiff,
I'm changing it up.

-Why change a perfect thing --
that I've always won?

-This year will be civilized

because we're doing it
draft-style.

Everyone selects a number
from my hat.

Whatever you get
determines the order

in which you pick your prize.

And just like a real draft,

someone's going to get stuck
in a Dolphins jersey.

-Yeah, it sounds
like a lot of hassle to me.

-You really don't want me
to do this.

Which makes me really excited
to do this.

-Fine.
You should experience this.

Alright, so, see you
in the records room at 2:00 A.M.

-Fun starts in the cafeteria
at midnight.

-So, what did you do
to celebrate

when you passed the bar?

-It's a little fuzzy 'cause
I was drinking back then.

I'm pretty sure I told
my law professor I loved him

and then challenged his wife
to a dance-off.

Which I totally won.

-Oh, Abby, it doesn't sound
like anybody won.

-Help! Is there a lawyer
in the house?

I just got sent to the chair
for being too electric.

-Goose!

Oh. What are you doing here?

-It's not every day your
best friend becomes a lawyer.

Plus, I wanted to see
if those

"get out of jail free" cards
are real.

And if they are, I call dibs.

-Hi, I'm Abby.

Do they call you Goose
because of "Top Gun"?

I mean, that volleyball scene
really kick-started my puberty.

-No, it's because
of my college pet.

We thought it was
a rival school's mascot.

Turns out,
it was just some rando bird.

-It was great
until the goose got territorial.

According to Animal Control,
she considered us her husbands.

-Hey, let me take you out.

I'm treating you to a T-bone.

No apps, no sides.

-You don't go to McTaggart's
for T-Bones.

You go to see what they're
willing to fry up these days.

I mean,
I don't know what they do,

but if they fried keys,
I'd eat them.

-Oh, you already have plans.

I'll tag along.

-Uh, actually...

I don't need to go out.
-Mm.

He doesn't want me at a bar

because I'm
a recovering alcoholic.

-Aw, me, too.

Wow.
We have so much in common.

Friends of Wyatt.

Recovering alcoholics.

I guess that's it.

-Right on.
But I can handle it.

It's been two years
of me working the program.

I'm good.
-Has it really been two years

since I fished you out
of the Chicago River?

-Yeah, that was a crazy day.

Especially because
we started drinking in New York.

That's my boss,

Go for Goose.

-Taking an alcoholic
to a bar is a bad idea, right?

-Hey,
if he says he's in a good place,

you should take him at his word.

-Eh, it would be cool to
celebrate with my best friend,

but I just know I'll be
worried about him all night.

-Well, I can come
and keep him company.

Not to brag, but I'm sort of the
Simone Biles of sober buddies.

My upper body strength
can wrestle a drink

away from anyone.

-Mm.

Ooh, everything good?
-Yeah, totally fine.

-Great.

You know what?
Let's go to the bar.

-Awesome, man.
Just like old days.

Except now you're a lawyer,
and I don't need one.

-I just have to grab my coat.

-Okay.

-So, where are you from?
-I just got fired.

Sorry.
I had to tell someone.

Probably not the best time
to go to a bar.

We're going to put
this program to the test.

-Great.

Let's see if Simone Biles
can stick this landing.

-Big night.

I'm excited to meet
your law-school friends.

-Well, before you do, you
should know they think I'm 27.

-Ah.
Say no more.

I'll introduce myself
as your much older co-worker

and slip in that you
were born on the day Diana died.

-Or...don't talk to them
at all.

I'm going to go say hi.

-Got fired. Walked into a bar.

Step three is usually
waking up with no pants on.

I'm kidding.
- Good.

We're not going to let a little
bump in the road set us back.

Tonight is all about fun.

Excuse me. Two of your finest
mocktails, please.

-We only have water.

-Great. Nature's mocktail.

Two of your finest waters,
please.

And if any cherries or olives
end up in them, that's okay.

-They won't.

-So, are we chasing tail
tonight?

-Actually,
I just started dating someone.

-Oh. That's amazing.

Who needs a job
when you have love?

Tell me about her.
-Her name's Danielle.

She works around here
at the Foot Locker.

She's sexy, she's funny,

she's...cheating on me
with that guy right there!

- Look, I know it feels
like everything in your life

is falling apart.
-It really, really does.

-But I say, silver lining.

Maybe this is your green light
to kiss all the girls you want,

and I bet there's someone
in this room

hoping to get kissed right now.

Aah!
-Oh, you didn't mean you?

I really, really didn't.

-What about food?
Food makes everything better.

-I could really use
some mozzarella sticks.

-They got the last one.

-Why-y-y-y-y?

-Damn it, Danielle.

Don't you have enough
in your mouth?

-Feast your eyes
on all the treasures

the evidence locker
has to offer.

-What's under that sheet?
I hope it's not a ghost.

-Oh, it's anything but dead.

It's big. It's pointy.

It makes noise when you slap it.

It's a pinball machine.

Oh, let me make sure
it still works.

-Mm.

Dan, is it just me,
or would that pinball machine

make a perfect
dining-room table?

-Huh?

Ah, right, listen,
I got my eyes

on something truly divine.

Look at that.

Have you ever seen anything
more beautiful

than these Havana cigars, huh?

-Oh, that's right.

You've never seen my wife
getting out of a bath.

-I'll tell you what.

I'm going home
with these communist candy bars.

-But your draft number
is terrible.

You'll be lucky
to get that bag of trail mix

from those missing hikers.
-Y...

You know what?
You underestimate me.

And you overestimate
the rest of these people.

Let the dogs chase
the shiny objects.

Eventually, this Havana gold
will be falling into my hands.

-Dan, are you talking about
my cigars?

-What?

You don't like cigars.

You just want them because I do.

-Ooh, you're paranoid.

And correct.

And now begins the
delicate dance of trading up.

Hey, Beverly, you know how
you've been dying to hang out?

It's time, girl.
-Oh.

Wow. She thinks she can
charm her way to a better pick.

Well, let me tell you something.
Two can play at that game.

-Well,
that's true of most games.

-Oh-ho, hey, what a --
an astute observation, Murray.

And, by the way, also,
that's a very sharp windbreaker

you're wearing tonight.

-You can't have my number.
-But...

Um...oh, Midge. Hi.

I-I know a lot of people
think it's weird, but I --

I like the fact
that you're an adult Girl Scout.

-Hey. Hi. Me again.
You see my friend there?

The only thing standing
between him

and a drink is the hope
of mozzarella sticks.

And -- And we're not picky.
Fry anything.

We'll eat keys.

Oh, finally.
-What do you mean, "finally"?

I dropped everything to bring
you fried mozzarella sticks.

You know what?
If you treat DoorDash like this,

it's no wonder
they stopped delivering to you.

-I'll have you know,
they stopped delivering to me

'cause, apparently,
my nightgown is see-through.

-Alright, alright.
Fine. Are you okay?

Because it's not every day you
called me panicked from a bar,

begging me to bring
you fried cheese.

-Panic?
No, I'm just trying to be

a good sober buddy
to Wyatt's friend.

-Oh, okay. Fine, fine, fine.

Just as someone
who was married to a drunk,

I just want to make sure
that you, uh --

like, haven't taken
on too much here tonight.

-Oh,
I got everything under control.

Used to sponsor people in A.A.
all the time.

Okay, fine.
Probably too many people.

-Mm-hmm.
-I answered so many calls,

my phone bill was insane.

That's how I ended up
in Debtors Anonymous.

I took on so many sponsees there

that my therapist said
I was in emotional debt.

So to fix that, I started
training for marathons,

and that's how I ended up
in R.A., runner's anonymous.

And it was there I learned

that if I was chasing
after everyone's problems,

I needed better arch support.

But I don't do that anymore.

-Okay, good to hear.

I actually --
I-I quit running cold turkey.

I mean,
I almost took a cab here,

and, I mean,
we're right across the street.

-Alright. Stick me.
Alright.

-There you go. Hey,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Oh, yeah.
There's your draft ticket.

-Alright.
Oh! Jackpot.

If I had known your number
was this good,

I'd have brought you
fresh sticks

after I dropped those
on the sidewalk.

-I'm going to pretend
I didn't hear that.

Alright, Goose, I hope
you didn't fill up on water

because I got the mo...
Goose?

Dan, did you see
where Goose went?

Why does everyone keep
disappearing?

-Everyone say,
"What's a landline?"

-Excuse me, young man.

Would you mind participating
in a brief survey

about being young?

-I'd love to,
but make it quick.

I don't want my classmates
to think we're the same age.

As far as they know.

I recently discovered "Friends"
on Netflix.

-Hey, a fun
hypothetical party game.

If Goose were to disappear
into the night,

where do you think you'd go?

-Well, he doesn't have
a lot of options.

He's been banned
from everywhere,

including Canada
and EPCOT Canada.

Yeah. Something wrong?
-Nothing's wrong.

But do you ever get the feeling
that something's missing?

Right now it's Goose.
Goose is missing.

-Missing?

Maybe he had a work emergency
or his girlfriend needed him.

-Nope. Definitely neither
of those things.

-It's going straight
to voicemail.

Uh, do you think he's drinking?

Damn it.
I knew this was a bad idea.

We should go look for him.

- Okay, um,
I'll check hotel lobbies.

I know from experience

they have the most comfortable
couches to pass out on.

-And I'll take
the Statue of Liberty.

Uh, the last time he got drunk,

he said he knew
she was a French spy

and was going to prove it.

-Ah, my number is unbeatable.

I had to listen to Beverly
ramble on

about her varicose veins,
but it was worth it.

-Does Beverly know about
compression socks?

I better share the good news.

-Well, I wonder,
am I in Key West?

I've got a cocktail, uh,
and I can see Cuba from here.

-Alright, wait, wait. Why --
Why are you so happy?

-I -- I can think of one reason.

-How can you have one?
I have one.

-I got mine fair and square --
with bribery.

-Yeah, well,
I got mine fair and square

by manipulating a sad sack.

-Why are you fighting?

If you don't stop yelling,

you're going to make
that box of snakes angry.

-Well, Julianne is making
a mockery of your draft

by counterfeiting tickets.

-I did no such thing.

-You both have number one?

Who else has number one?

-Huh?
-You're all welcome.

I didn't want to see
all our friends fight

over the best pick,

so I slipped a bunch of ones
into circulation.

And look at them now.
A sea of happy people.

-Do I look happy?

I had to give Beverly 15 minutes
of eye contact for this ticket.

-And I had to walk
an entire block

with somebody else's
fried cheese for nothing.

-You know what?
You're a snake in the grass.

-Okay, look, no,
I'm not a snake in the grass.

-Enough!

Now, I tried to do
something nice for you tonight,

and all you selfish people
ruined it.

The draft is canceled.

I'm donating everything
to charity.

-Aw, great.
Now, when all of our stuff

goes to people in need,
just remember you did this.

-Yeah, you.

-Any luck finding him?
-No, but I did learn,

if you yell, "Goose," up
and down New York City streets,

Animal Control will show up.

-Where have you two been?

Do you know that those children
think that Wyatt is young?

Why are you lying to them, man?

Come on.
We survived the Summer of Sam.

You should be proud.

-Do you think
we're the same age?

-Eh.

-Goose has to be somewhere.

You know what?
I'm going to run downtown.

-Abby.

Thought you quit running.

-But this time I'm...

Oh.

Right.
-Mm.

-I'm doing it again.

-Uh, Wyatt, I'm -- I'm sorry.

We shouldn't be chasing Goose
around the city.

-Why are you sorry?

This is what he does.

I've been dealing with this
for over 20 years.

This is the guy who missed
my wedding after 17 Jager bombs

and -- and tried to fight my dad
at my daughter's baptism.

And I-I'm so tired of always
having to clean up his mess.

I'm done.

-Wyatt, um...

-Whoa, dude.

That's...

Yeah.

-Never have your back
to the door

when you're doing
a long rant, man.

-I really screwed up,
didn't I?

I got to go after him.
-No, no.

Best thing you can do
right now -- let him go.

You know,
I don't talk about this a lot,

but when my Sarah
first got sober,

ooh, man,
I worried all the time.

I felt like
if I let my guard down

or if I said the wrong thing,

or if I didn't answer her call
quick enough, it would be the --

that would be the thing
that made her slip.

I had to learn that I have
no control over her decisions.

-Before I got sober,

my parents tried
to control everything.

They took away my car keys,
then my car, then my bike.

-Your --
-That's right. I biked to bars.

I know. Paints a picture
you can't unsee.

The point is,

they had to accept
that there was nothing

they could do to keep me
from drinking.

It was up to me.

-So the only thing to do
is...nothing?

-You can be there for him,
but he has to come to you.

-That's my sponsor checking in.

We've been talking
a lot tonight.

-That's really good to hear.

Goose, I am sorry
about everything I said.

-I'm glad you said it.

I've given you
a lot of reasons to worry.

Thankfully,
I'm not that guy anymore.

Two years ago,
I would have missed this,

but I've had this night
on my calendar

since you told me
you were taking the bar.

-Wow.

You have a calendar.

-Dude, turns out,
it's on your phone.

It's called Calendar.

It looks like a calendar
on the icon.

And then you just use it
like your own personal calendar.

-Damn, I don't even know you.

You have a steady job
and a calendar.

-Well, one out of two, yeah.

-You are going to
want to see this.

-Murray,
I told you the purge is off.

-Well, you're right,
the purge is off.

It's become something better.

Welcome to the Gurge.

-What is this?

-We all picked names
out of the hat,

and whoever you get,
you have to give a gift to.

I got your name,

and I am gifting you
that pinball machine.

It's exactly what I wanted.

My neighbors with the newborn

are about to find out
what noise really is.

-Sandy got a giant dead fish.

Timo got a big clock
from Flavor Flav's mugging.

And I -- I got
the greatest gift of all.

Friendship.

And three bags of money!

-Okay,
enough with the hugging.

Let's go get drunk
and yell stuff at Wyatt's party.

-Hey, guys,
I have an announcement.

Drinks on me!

-We better go.

It's only a matter of time
before my secret's out.

I just gasped when my classmates
called "Superbad,"

"That old movie?"

-Oh, you can't leave.
We just got here.

-Hey, you guys came.

-Every newly minted lawyer
needs a briefcase.

Fresh from the evidence locker.

-Now, if you don't want to
be disbarred,

I'd, uh, flush anything
you find in there.

- Now let's go cut
that butt-ugly tie.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-I have a little something
for you.

These were gifted to me,
and now I'm giving them to you.

-Well, how incredibly kind.

Oh, wow.
Fine Havana cigars...

and one human finger.

Was that all already in there,

or was that a little
something extra from you?

Wouldn't you like to know?

-I'm gonna head out.

You okay?
-I'm good.

-Yeah, I know you are.

- Ha-ha! Yes!

We're young lawyer--

Oh, God. My back.

Ooh, Goose, uh, carry me
out of here.

-I got you, I got you.

Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.

-Hey.
-Yeah-ha-ha!

-It's funny.