Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE MOTION PICTURE YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE

DEALS FRANKLY WITH THE SUBJECT

OF LOW-BUDGET FILMMAKING.

IT CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT SCENES

THAT MAY SHOCK SOME OF THE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE.

THEREFORE, EACH OF THESE SCENES WILL BE PRECEDED BY THIS SOUND:

[SQUEAKY TOY SQUEAKING]

WE HAVE ONE HELL OF A SOUND, IF WE CAN--

[BATTLE STATIONS ALARM]

THAT'S IT. REMEMBER WHEN YOU HEAR THAT SOUND,

THAT'S THE SIGNAL TO CLOSE YOUR EYES.

ONCE MORE...

[SQUEAKY TOY SQUEAKING]

WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THE HORN?!

[MACHINES WHIRRING AND BEEPING]

TINA.

TEELA!

TEELA... IT WON'T WORK.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE YOU.

DON'T EVER SAY THAT, TODD.

OUR LOVE WAS MEANT TO SPAN THE GALAXIES.

YOU CAN'T FORCE YOURSELF ON ME SEXUALLY.

THIS ISN'T THE MILKY WAY, YOU KNOW.

BESIDES, I'M JUST YOUR GUIDE.

I'LL TELL THE PEOPLE OF MY PLANET

THAT YOU WANT PEACE AND HARMONY

FOR EARTH AND YOURS.

I DON'T THINK SO.

[BOING]

TEELA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HERE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND TONY.

TONY!

OH, MY GOD!

HE COULD LAST ALL NIGHT,

BUT YOU-- YOU I NEED TO TEST.

THERE'S NO ROOM ON MARS FOR LIMP DICKS.

HOW'D YOU GET HIM IN THERE?

I SUCKED HIM DOWN TO SIZE.

HOW HORRIBLE!

AND IF I DON'T MEASURE UP...WHAT THEN?

THEN YOU DIE, EARTH SCUM!

WELL, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

I HOPE SO, FOR YOUR SAKE.

CUT! CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT.

SORRY, T.J.

I GUESS I FORGOT WHERE I WAS.

ACTUALLY, I THINK I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. HOW MANY TIMES

DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

YOU ARE OUT OF THE FRAME

IN THIS SHOT.

WE CAN'T EVEN SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

WE ARE JUST ACTING HERE.

OUT OF FRAME? JUST ACTING?

YOU TOLD ME--

WELL, OK, I--

SO I LIED A LITTLE.

UNH!

OK, OK, OK.

EVERYBODY TAKE 5.

WE HAVE TO RELOAD THE FILM, ANYWAY. GARY.

YOU MEAN WE SHOT THE WHOLE LOAD ALREADY?

WELL, SOMEBODY DID. NICE GOING.

WELL, HEY, BABY.

WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

SHORTLY BEFORE SHE SUCKED YOU DOWN TO SIZE.

NOT THE FACE!

UNH! UHH!

AH, LOVE.

MY GIRL USED TO HIT ME LIKE THAT.

RIGHT BEFORE GETTING IT UP?

NO. RIGHT BEFORE SHE TRIED TO BLOW MY DICK OFF

WITH A .38.

I WAS BANGING HER SISTER.

JACK, YOU'RE THE ONLY LIQUOR

A GIRL CAN TRUST.

[METAL SCRAPING]

HELLO?

BOY, WHAT A GIRL GOES THROUGH

TO SEND HER BROTHER THROUGH PROCTOLOGY SCHOOL!

WELL, THESE GUYS CAN JUST TAKE THEIR JOB

AND SIT ON IT!

WHAT'S THIS?

"YOU WERE MEAN AND CRUEL RIGHT FROM THE START,

AND NOW YOU REALLY HAVE NOWHERE TO HIDE"?

BOY, THAT'S DUMB.

I BET THE SCRIPT WRITER WROTE THAT.

NOT ONE OF MY BETTER SCENES.

OH...THIS CAMERAMAN MAKES ME LOOK

LIKE I'M A MILLION YEARS OLD!

I COULD JUST DIE!

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ABLE TO GO ON?

I MEAN, I COULD GET A STUNT DICK IN HERE

IF YOU WANT.

NO, NO. IT'S OK. I'LL BE FINE.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

WE CAN ALWAYS RE-DUB YOUR VOICE LATER

WHEN IT COMES DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

YEAH. WHAT?

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO TERRY.

YOU BETTER COME RIGHT AWAY.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

YOU HUMILIATED HER.

NOW SHE'S KILLED HERSELF.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HEY, COME ON.

YOU'RE NOT STILL MAD, NOW, ARE YOU, BABY?

NO. BUT I DID FORGET TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.

NO! NO! AAH! AAH! OH! AHH!

OK, WHO DID THIS?!

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?

I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T WE SHOOT

OVER HER SHOULDER?

THAT'S WHAT ROGER WOULD DO.

SHIT. WHAT A DISASTER.

GREAT SET OF TITS, THOUGH.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS ANGLE?

[INDISTINCT VOICE ON TELEPHONE]

LOOK, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

I NEED A NEW LEADING LADY

FOR BAD GIRLS FROM MARS

OR THIS FILM IS RUINED.

YES, I KNOW WE'VE HAD A BIT OF TOUGH LUCK,

BUT IT AIN'T MY FAULT.

HELL, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE SHE WAS CLEANING THE FILM

AND IT WENT OFF.

HEY, AM I PAYING TOP DOLLAR, OR WHAT?

WELL, FINE. FUCK YOU, JERRY!

BAD NEWS?

THAT WAS THE LAST CASTING AGENT IN TOWN.

NOBODY WANTS TO TOUCH THIS FILM.

THEY ALL SAY IT'S JINXED.

I KEEP TELLING YOU HOW TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.

WHAT, HIRE YOU IN THE LEAD?

NO WAY. NO.

YOU ARE THE COSTUME GIRL.

AND BESIDES, I'VE ALREADY LET YOU PLAY

A SMALL PART IN THIS FILM

AS THE, UH--

THE HIGH PRIESTESS OF INSEMINATION.

YOU HAVE TO RE-SHOOT, ANYWAY.

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF YOU GET YOUR ASS KILLED?

THEN WHO'LL DO MY WARDROBE?

I'LL TAKE THAT RISK.

LISTEN, THERE'S A LOT OF NUDITY.

YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

I'LL HANDLE IT.

I...I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I MEAN.

[SIGHS]

YEAH?

MR. REGAN TO SEE YOU, SIR.

UH, WE'RE NOT HIRING ANY OLD ACTORS

ON THIS SHOW.

OK, OK.

YOU NEED A GLASS OF WATER?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

WELL, I'VE GOT SOME NEWS THAT MIGHT CHEER YOU UP.

OH, YEAH? WHAT'S THAT?

I'VE HIRED YOUR NEW STARLET.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED SOME WATER?

NO, NO, I'M ALL RIGHT. ARE YOU KIDDING?!

WHO IS IT?

YOU READY FOR THIS? EMANUELLE FORTES. HUH?

EMAN--WAH-- [SPITS]

THE HOOKER?!

THE WORLD-FAMOUS MADAM!

OH, MAN, THAT OUGHT TO SUCK THE BUDGET

RIGHT OUT OF THIS SHOW!

LOOK, THE HEAD OF THIS COMPANY THINKS

SHE'S HOT STUFF RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, WITH THIS CHILD EVANGELIST THING

SHE'S INVOLVED WITH.

BESIDES, SHE'S COMING HERE FROM EUROPE ANYWAY

TO DO AN EXOTIC CAR SHOW,

AND AS YOUR PRODUCER, I'M TELLING YOU

IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

BESIDES, SHE'S GOT GREAT TITS.

YEAH, RIGHT. AND WITH OUR LUCK,

SOMEBODY'LL LET THE AIR OUT OF 'EM

WITH A SHOTGUN.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA

TO BRING HER INTO THIS PROJECT.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO EMANUELLE FORTES,

IT'LL BE A BIGGER SCANDAL

THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

LOOK, T.J., WE'VE LOST 4 GIRLS SO FAR,

AND WE'RE STILL IN BUSINESS.

THIS IS HEADLINE NEWS!

THE PUBLIC EATS IT UP.

SO STOP WORRYING AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

HER PLANE IS DUE TO ARRIVE 15 MINUTES AGO.

WELL, THANKS, MAC!

GREAT! JUST GREAT!

WHAT THE HELL'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?

THERE YA GO.

Man: YEAH?

MR. ORTELLI... YEAH, THIS IS REGAN.

YEAH, T.J's ON HIS WAY TO PICK HER UP NOW.

NO, NO, NO, NO. HE DOESN'T SUSPECT ANYTHING.

I TOLD HIM TO TAKE HER TO THAT BIG-BRAINED ACTOR'S HOUSE

FOR AN INFORMAL GET-TOGETHER.

I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

ISN'T THAT THE CAMERA GUY CLEANING THE POOL?

OH, YEAH. I GAVE HIM A COUPLE OF BUCKS

SO HE COULD MAKE THIS WEEK'S RENT.

WHERE DOES HE LIVE?

OH, DOWN ON SKID ROW WITH THE REST OF THE CREW.

YOU KNOW, HONEY, I'M STILL SORE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU MEANT TO GET ME IN THE STOMACH?

OF COURSE, DARLING.

IF I WANTED YOUR BALLS, I'D RIP 'EM OUT.

A LITTLE LOWER WITH THAT LOTION,

YOU BIG LOVE STUD.

BOY, I TELL YOU,

I SURE WISH I COULD FIGURE OUT

WHO THAT STARLET IS

THAT MAC'S BRINGING IN FROM EUROPE.

YOU'RE THE GENIUS WHO SUGGESTED

BRINGING HER HERE FOR A LITTLE CHAT.

WELL, I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, WE START SHOOTING AGAIN

TOMORROW,

AND THIS'LL GIVE US A CHANCE TO JUST

KIND OF, YOU KNOW, FEEL HER OUT.

I MEAN, GET TO KNOW HER JUST--JUST A LITTLE BIT.

NOT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE, I HOPE, FOR YOUR SAKE.

OH, NO, NOT--

I'M PLAYING ABSOLUTELY STRAIGHT WITH YOU, BABY.

NO, I JUST FIGURED THAT MAYBE SHE'D BE

JUST KIND OF AFRAID TO DO THIS MOVIE.

WELL, CAN YOU BLAME HER?

EVERY KNOWN ACTRESS THAT'S TRIED TO BE

THE BAD GIRL FROM MARS

HAS DIED A HORRIBLE, TRAGIC DEATH.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I TOLD THEM I'D PLAY THAT ROLE.

THAT IDIOT DIRECTOR WOULDN'T EVEN CONSIDER ME.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, IF THIS ONE DIES,

YOU MIGHT JUST GET YOUR CHANCE.

OH, WHAT A HORRIBLE THOUGHT.

YEAH.

[CAR STEREO PLAYING]

Deejay: AND NOW FOR NAMES IN THE NEWS.

INTERNATIONALLY FAMED AUTHORESS AND MADAM

TO THE RICH AND FAMOUS, EMANUELLE FORTES,

WILL BE IN TOWN THIS WEEK

TO KICK OFF A PUBLICITY TOUR

FOR HER NEW BOOK,

MEN I HAVE KNOWN AND LOVED.

WHILE SHE'S HERE IN TOWN,

EMANUELLE WILL ALSO MAKE PERSONAL APPEARANCES

AT THE EXOTIC CAR SHOW, THE GAY RODEO,

AND TIME PERMITTING, THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL.

Man on radio: DON'T MISS TODAY'S EDITION

OF A CURRENT EVENT, WHEN OUR SPECIAL FEATURE

WILL BE A LIVE INTERVIEW WITH FAMOUS AUTHOR

EMANUELLE FORTES.

SHE'LL TELL ALL WHEN SHE TELLS YOU ABOUT

THE CHILD EVANGELISM--

Woman on radio: AND MEET EMANUELLE FORTES

AT THE BOOK NOOK ON FRIDAY

AND GET A FREE AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE

AND REGISTER FOR OUR BIG PRIZE GIVEAWAY.

ONE NIGHT WITH THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS--

Sexy voice: HI, I'M EMANUELLE FORTES,

AND I'M GONNA BE AT THE FIRST ANNUAL

EXOTIC CAR SHOW--

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

OF ALL THE ACTRESSES IN THIS BUSINESS,

I HAVE TO GET SOME WORN-OUT OLD HAG WITCH

WITH A TIGHT ASS.

I'LL BET SHE'S 60 IF SHE'S A DAY.

OVER HERE. EMANUELLE.

HOLY TOLEDO.

HI THERE.

HI, EMANUELLE.

I'M T.J. McMASTERS,

THE DIRECTOR OF THIS EPIC MOTION PICTURE.

MM, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

Regan: CALM DOWN, MR. ORTELLI.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OK.

SO I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS. SUE ME!

HEY, YOU USED THE "S" WORD.

LISTEN, MAC, SO FAR WE'VE BEEN LUCKY.

4 YOUNG, SEXY ACTRESSES HAVE BEEN MURDERED

ON OUR FILM,

AND OUR INSURANCE COMPANY HAS PAID OFF HANDSOMELY.

HELL, WE'RE ALREADY INTO PROFITS

JUST FROM THE BENEFITS.

YEAH, BUT IF THIS EMANUELLE CHICK

BITES THE BIG ONE,

I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE COVERED.

LOOK, MR. ORTELLI,

SHE'S THE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE UNCOVERED.

IF SHE GETS KILLED,

WE SHUT DOWN THE SHOW FOR GOOD,

COLLECT A BIG INSURANCE CHECK FOR HER,

AND THE LOST INVESTMENT ON THE MOVIE ITSELF.

I SURE HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT TIME IS THAT SEX MACHINE DUE HERE?

OH, HI, KIDS. ANYTIME NOW.

T.J.'s BRINGING HER.

SO WHEN DO WE FIND OUT WHO THE MYSTERY WOMAN IS?

SOON, MYRA. VERY SOON.

YOU'RE HERE FOR THE BIG CAR SHOW, HUH?

I JUST LOVE EXOTIC AUTOMOBILES.

OH, REALLY?

SO, WHICH ONE'S YOUR FAVORITE?

THE MERCEDES STRETCH LIMO.

WHY'S THAT?

BECAUSE THEY'RE LONG AND HARD

AND YOU CAN FUCK IN THEM.

UH...YEAH.

I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.

WHAT HOTEL AM I STAYING AT?

WELL, I THINK THEY SAID THE BEVERLY WILTON,

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA GO THERE JUST YET.

THERE'S A SMALL GET-TOGETHER

OVER AT RICHARD TRENT'S PLACE FIRST.

HE'S GONNA BE YOUR LEADING MAN.

A GET-TOGETHER?

YEAH. SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW, THE PRODUCERS, THEY JUST WANT TO MEET YOU,

GET TO KNOW YOU A LITTLE BIT, MAKE YOU FEEL AT HOME.

BUT I'M NOT DRESSED FOR A GET-TOGETHER.

I HAVE TO CHANGE.

OH, NO, NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE FINE. BESIDES,

THERE'S NO PLACE TO STOP ON THE WAY.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

DRIVE A LITTLE SLOWER.

UH...THIS REALLY ISN'T NECESSARY, YOU KNOW.

[GIGGLES]

UH, LISTEN, YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH...IT'S TOO GAUDY, MAYBE.

OOH, TOO GAUDY?

HUH. MM, WELL.

OH, DEAR.

OH... [GIGGLES]

WHOO!

HEY, I REALLY HATE TO BREAK UP THE PARTY

BACK THERE, BUT WE'RE JUST ABOUT THERE.

SO YOU THINK YOU COULD STEP ON IT JUST A BIT?

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[GIGGLES]

HOW ABOUT THIS, T.J.?

IT'S A LITTLE TOO MODEST,

BUT IT'LL HAVE TO DO.

I JUST WANT THEM TO LIKE ME.

WELL, I THINK YOU HAVE A CHANCE.

[LAUGHS]

A FRIEND OF YOURS?

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

NO, THAT'S A-- THAT'S A BODY DOUBLE.

[THINKING] JESUS!

OH, NO, NOT THAT SLUT.

HOLY MOLY, THAT'S EMANUELLE!

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I HEARD THAT SHE PINNED

THE ENTIRE NOTRE DAME WRESTLING TEAM

WITHOUT USING HER HANDS.

OH, YEAH, I BET IT WAS THE NOTRE DAME SCHOOL

FOR GIRLS.

UM, I GUESS I BETTER GET THE DOOR, SWEETHEART.

WELCOME TO BEVERLY HILLS.

HI, T.J. HEY, RICHARD.

UH, AND YOU--

YOU MUST BE--

I'M EMANUELLE.

WELL, I'M-- I'M RICHARD TRENT.

PEOPLE WHO REALLY KNOW ME, WELL, THEY CALL ME DICK.

OH, HOW AMUSING.

WELL, LET'S GO INSIDE, SHALL WE?

[DOOR OPENS]

[BOING BOING BOING BOING BOING]

NOW, EMANUELLE FORTES,

THIS IS, UM...

MYRA. MYRA, OUR COSTUME GIRL.

HAVEN'T WE MET SOMEPLACE BEFORE?

PARIS, PERHAPS.

NEVER BEEN THERE, I'M AFRAID.

ALTHOUGH RICHARD AND I

HAVE ALWAYS TALKED OF VISITING FRANCE

ON OUR HONEYMOON,

IF WE EVER GET MARRIED.

OH, LOVERS. HOW SWEET.

YEAH.

OH, HI. YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY WHO'S ANYBODY

IS OUT BY THE POOL WAITING FOR YOU GUYS.

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, T.J.?

WELL, WE DID A LITTLE HOLLYWOOD SIGHTSEEING,

DIDN'T WE?

YEAH? DID YOU SEE ANY BIG STARS?

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

2...BIG ONES.

COME ON, LET'S GO GET A DRINK. COME ON.

YEAH. WELL, LET'S DO THAT.

DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE WAS JUST FOLLOWING HER AROUND?

AAH!

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OK?

OH...UH, I'M NO WETTER THAN USUAL.

HOW ABOUT YOUR DRESS? IT'S RUINED.

OH, IT'S JUST SOMETHING I THREW ON

AT THE LAST MINUTE.

IT'LL DRY. PLEASE, DON'T WORRY.

WALT, I CAN'T FIND THE DOG.

KEEP LOOKING. SHE'S GOTTA BE IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

YOU MUST BE EMANUELLE.

I'VE HEARD AND READ SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

Ortelli: IT'S SO EXCITING TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.

WITH YOU ON BOARD, I'M SURE WE'LL HAVE THIS BABY

WRAPPED UP IN NO TIME FLAT.

RIGHT, T.J.?

OH, YEAH. NO TIME FLAT.

YOU MOGULS ARE SO INSENSITIVE.

THIS GIRL SHOULD GET INTO SOME DRY CLOTHES.

YOU'RE RIGHT, MYRA.

CAN SHE BORROW SOMETHING OF YOURS?

I THINK SO, BUT...

IT'LL BE A TIGHT FIT.

I HAVE A TOP I'M NOT USING.

OH, JUST A ROBE WILL DO FINE.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

THERE'S ONE IN THE BATHROOM.

WHAT'S THIS?

"WHEN SWEETHEARTS GET STRANGLED,

"THEIR FACES TURN BLUE,

"SO I'D GET OUT OF TOWN

IF I WERE...THINKING OF BEING IN THIS MOVIE."

HMM.

EMANUELLE.

OH, YOU STARTLED ME!

WHAT'S WRONG? YOU'RE STILL WEARING THIS WET DRESS?

MM. I WOULD JUST REALLY RATHER

GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND CHANGE.

I JUST DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE

WEARING YOUR ROBE.

WELL, OK. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK LATER BY TAXI?

MAYBE 11:30, SAY?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

OH, NOW, NOW, COME ON.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE--

WE HAVE A LOT OF LINES TO LEARN TOMORROW,

24 PAGES OF DIALOGUE,

AND WE NEED TO LOOSEN UP A LITTLE BIT,

DON'T YOU THINK? OH, COME ON.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OK.

11:30 IT IS, RICHARD.

NO, YOU JUST THINK OF ME AS YOUR LITTLE DICK. HMM?

[GIGGLES]

OK.

[HUMMING]

[SIGHS]

2 THINGS NO MAN SHOULD BE WITHOUT.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

YEAH?

Man on phone: T.J.

WHO'S THIS?

THIS IS ORTELLI.

I THINK I'M COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING.

YEAH, YOU SOUND TERRIBLE.

SO WHAT'S UP?

LOOK, I NEED TO KNOW,

DO YOU HAVE THAT FILM WE SHOT LAST NIGHT?

YOU GOT IT?

YEAH. IT'S RIGHT HERE.

EITHER THAT OR A STACK OF GIANT METAL CONDOMS.

GOOD. LISTEN, T.J.,

I NEED YOU TO RUN THAT FILM OVER TO THE STUDIO TONIGHT

BEFORE YOU GO HOME.

I'VE GOT A MESSENGER WHO'S GONNA PICK IT UP,

TAKE IT OVER TO THE LAB.

LISTEN, CAN'T IT WAIT UNTIL THE MORNING?

I MEAN, I'M BEAT.

IF IT COULD WAIT, I WOULDN'T BE ASKING,

WOULD I?!

IT'S A FAVOR I WON'T FORGET.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

SHIT!

I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEBODY IN HERE.

HEY, BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN SO LATE?

I WAS FINISHING UP SOME OF YOUR

INCREDIBLY SLOPPY PAPERWORK...

AND SCHEDULING SOME NEW PERSONAL APPEARANCES

FOR THAT MISS EMANUELLE.

HOW MANY PLACES CAN THAT GIRL

POSSIBLY BE AT THE SAME TIME?

I MEAN, SHE'S ON EVERY RADIO STATION,

TV CHANNEL, AND NEWSPAPER IN TOWN.

NOT TO MENTION THE GAY RODEO.

YEAH. RIDE 'EM, COWBOY.

SO, IS THERE ANYTHING

I CAN DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, BOSS?

NOTHING COMES TO MIND.

NOTHING?

NOT EVEN...

MAYBE GETTING A COUPLE OF IDEAS NOW? HMM?

UH, YEAH, YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME WITH 'EM,

BUT, UH, MAKE SURE YOU KILL ME.

OTHERWISE, I MIGHT START LIKING IT.

[LAUGHS]

GOD, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY!

OH!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT ALCOHOL?!

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT CHANGE.

LADY, AFTER A TIP LIKE THAT,

I THINK I OWE YOU MONEY.

DON'T FORGET THESE.

YOU KEEP 'EM.

THEY ONLY SLOW ME DOWN.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

♪ RICHARD?♪

DICK?

Man on TV: SO THIS IS WHO THEY SEND

TO RESCUE CINDERELLA?

"GONE FOR A BOTTLE OF WINE.

"BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES.

MEET YOU IN THE JACUZZI. DICK."

WHAT'S WITH THE FACE?

I NEEDED A SHAVE.

LOOKS LIKE YOU DIDN'T

TIP HIM ENOUGH. [LAUGHS]

BOY, IS HE AWFUL.

OOH, LA LA.

AAH!

COME ON, KIT, I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

UNH!

HA HA HA HA HA!

HEY. SHUT UP!

COME ON. LET'S PRETEND

LIKE WE'RE BUYING SOMETHING.

NONCHALANT.

[WHISTLES]

ALL RIGHT, LADY,

PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

SLOW.

AH, NOT THAT SLOW.

ALL RIGHT, WHERE'S THE MONEY?

IN MY BRA.

GIVE IT TO ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

YOU TOLD ME TO KEEP MY HANDS UP.

YOU DID. YOU TOLD HER.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, ONE OF US

IS GONNA HAVE TO GET THAT MONEY.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET THE MONEY.

HEY!

OH, I'M SORRY.

I JUST NEED TO USE THE PHONE.

WELL, NO--NO, YOU CANNOT USE THE PHONE. GO AWAY.

BUT, UM, I HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE.

I'M BEING CHASED.

THE COPS? NO. NOBODY'S CALLING THE GODDAMN COPS.

HEY, DON'T TALK TO A LADY THAT WAY.

YOU SHUT UP.

I THINK HE'S RIGHT.

LOOK, LADY, I'M JUST A RUN-OF-THE-MILL THIEF.

I'M NOT ROBIN HOOD. I DON'T GOTTA BE POLITE.

IT NEVER HURTS.

WILL BOTH OF YA SHUT UP?

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, AN IDIOT?

I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T SEE YOUR FACE.

SAY, DON'T I KNOW YOU?

IT'S POSSIBLE.

ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE,

INCLUDING US GETTIN' OUT OF HERE

WHILE IT'S STILL DARK.

EMANUELLE FORTES, THAT'S WHO IT IS.

THAT'S WHO IT IS!

YOU THINK HE'S RIGHT?

Clerk: I THINK HE'S RIGHT.

I AM RIGHT, BURT.

GOD! DON'T CALL ME BURT.

OH, I'M SORRY, BURT. UH, BART.

ALL RIGHT, LADY, PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

OH, GOD, THAT'S JUST THE WAY SHE LOOKED

ON THE BACK OF HER BOOK

EXCEPT SHE HAD, YOU KNOW, LIKE, SHACKLES AROUND HER WRISTS.

I DON'T CARE HOW SHE LOOKED.

I GOTTA HAVE HER AUTOGRAPH.

I GOTTA HAVE HER AUTOGRAPH.

DO YOU HAVE A PENCIL?

COULD YOU HOLD THIS A MINUTE?

DO YOU HAVE A PENCIL AND A PAPER OR SOMETHING?

THIS IS GREAT.

HOW WOULD YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT?

PUT "TO LES ALBRIGHT."

OH, GAH, GAH!

LES ALBRIGHT, THE QUARTERBACK?

DON'T TELL 'EM YOUR NAME!

HI, MRS. JOHNSON.

WHY, THEN, YOU MUST BE BURT APPLE.

HI, MRS. JOHNSON.

JEEZ, I REMEMBER WHEN YOU BOYS WERE THIS HIGH.

LADY, THAT'S LES ALBRIGHT,

THE BEST QUARTERBACK S.C. EVER HAD.

GEE, YOU'LL HAVE TO THROW ME

A PASS SOMETIME.

COULD YOU--COULD YOU WRITE THAT ON THIS?

SURE.

GOD, I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

UM, BURT, DO YOU THINK

I COULD CALL THE POLICE NOW?

IT'S KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.

WELL, THIS IS REAL NICE.

THEY MUST HAVE THIS GUY LIVIN' HERE.

I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A HIGH-CLASS OPERATION.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY THESE HOMELESS PEOPLE

HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE STREET ALL THE TIME.

HEY, THIS GUY AIN'T HOMELESS.

HE'S THE DIRECTOR!

JESUS.

HEY, UH, T.J.,

YOU AIN'T DUE IN HERE UNTIL NOON, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME

AND CATCH UP ON YOUR NAP THERE?

OHH...

OH, MAN, THIS GUY AIN'T NOTHIN'

IF HE AIN'T PROMPT.

OH.

OHH...

OH.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[RING]

HELLO?

T.J., WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!

I'VE BEEN CALLING YOUR HOUSE FOR HOURS.

I'VE BEEN SLEEPING IN THE DOORWAY OF THE STUDIO.

WHAT'D YOU DO, LOSE YOUR KEY AGAIN?

NO. SOMEBODY CLUBBED ME OVER THE HEAD.

I THINK THEY STOLE THE FILM.

WHAT A BREAK.

WE GOT NEGATIVE INSURANCE.

GREAT, MAC.

UH, DO YOU WANT SOMETHING?

WELL, I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT EMANUELLE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO REACH HER, EITHER.

DID YOU TRY THE HOUSE OF BONDAGE?

WELL, DON'T SWEAT IT.

I'LL SEND A CAR TO HER HOTEL.

YOU BETTER GO SOAK YOUR HEAD

BEFORE YOU COME IN.

YEAH. I WAS JUST GONNA HIT THE TUB

FOR A LONG, HOT ONE.

I'LL SEE YA ON THE SET LATER.

SURPRISE!

HOLY MOLEY! WHAT THE...

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, BOSS.

ALL NIGHT IN THE CLOSET?

YOU SILLY. NO. I HID IN THERE

WHEN I HEARD YOU OPEN THE FRONT DOOR.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE BEST TIME FOR THIS.

OH, YEAH? WHAT'S THAT I HEAR ABOUT A LONG, HOT ONE?

WELL, MAYBE THERE'S TIME FOR THAT.

[LAUGHS]

ALL BETTER?

GETTING THERE.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T SOAK IN THE TUB THAT LONG.

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

DRIES OUT YOUR SKIN.

THAT'S BETTER THAN HAVING IT BEATEN OFF YA.

I ALWAYS LIKE TO MOISTURIZE

BEFORE I TAKE A BATH.

ABSOLUTELY.

MYRA, CAN YOU HELP ME?

WHAT'S WRONG, CRISTY?

IT'S THIS COSTUME.

IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL QUITE RIGHT.

WELL, IT'S A TIGHT FIT, BUT I THINK IT'S YOU.

IT'S KIND OF PLAIN,

BUT I'M THINKING, AFTER ALL,

I AM THE HIGH PRIESTESS OF LOVE.

WELL, COME ON, I'LL PUT SOME GLITTER ON,

THEN THAT'LL FIX IT.

[SQUEALS] OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS!

WAIT IN THE DRESSING ROOM. I'LL BE ALONG.

MAKIN' A MOVIE HERE?

WHAT DO YA THINK, SMART GUY?

WELL, YOU BETTER HOPE THAT THIS EMANUELLE

DOESN'T WALK OUT.

HMM. YOU CAN KISS THIS MEAL TICKET GOOD-BYE.

ALSO, YOU BETTER HOPE THAT REGAN DOESN'T FIND OUT

IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO HIRE HER.

WELL, IT WAS JUST A SUGGESTION.

NOBODY HAD TO TAKE ME UP ON IT.

YEAH...

HEY, UH, EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.

UH, I'M LIEUTENANT ALLEN FROM HOMICIDE.

UH, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ALONE

IF I COULD, MR. TRENT.

OH, YOU--YOU RECOGNIZE ME?

HEH HEH, I SAW YOUR LAST MOVIE.

OH, HOW'D YOU LIKE IT?

OH, THAT WAS A REAL PIECE OF WORK.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH, LISTEN, I HOPE THAT I'M NOT GONNA BE ONE

OF YOUR PRIME SUSPECTS, AL, HUH?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, I WASN'T EVEN THERE

WHEN THE WHOLE THING HAPPENED. YOU KNOW THAT.

IN FACT, I TOLD THAT TO ONE OF YOUR MEN

JUST LAST NIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU WENT OUT TO BUY A BOTTLE OF WINE.

EXACTLY HOW MANY BOTTLES DID YA BUY?

UM, JUST ONE.

MM-HMM, THEN HOW COME THERE ARE 2 BOTTLES

IN THE REFRIGERATOR?

WELL, UH, I, UH, DIDN'T THINK I HAD ANY WINE.

WELL, I MEAN, I DIDN'T SEE ANY OTHER WINE AND...

WELL, LOOK, I THOUGHT I WAS OUT OF WINE,

SO I BOUGHT SOME MORE.

IS THERE A...IS THERE A CRIME OF THAT?

I DON'T KNOW YET.

WHAT KIND OF WINE DID YOU BUY?

WHAT KIND OF WINE WAS SHE KIDNAPPED WITH?

Man: ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, 15 MINUTES FOR LUNCH!

HURRY UP!

OH, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!

I FORGOT SOMETHING!

OK, I GOT IT, I GOT IT! HEY, GUYS, WAIT FOR ME!

MAN, HURRY UP!

LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD USE A DRINK, BOSS.

T.J.

WELL, EVERYTHING, AND I MEAN EVERYTHING

IS GOING DOWN.

GOOD MORNING, DICK.

OH, YOU THINK SO, DO YOU?

SAVE THE MELODRAMA FOR THE CAMERA.

JUST CUT TO THE CHASE, OK?

OK, THERE'S THIS COP, SEE?

THE SON OF A BITCH,

HE IS TRYING TO PIN THIS WHOLE THING ON ME, T.J.

MR. TRENT EXAGGERATES. HA HA.

UH, MY FRIENDS CALL ME DICK.

I'M SURE.

SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL

IS GOING ON AROUND HERE.

OH, NOT MUCH.

JUST A LITTLE KIDNAPPING AND ATTEMPTED MURDER, MAYBE.

HEY, DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHERE YOU BEEN?

AND DON'T TRY TO GIVE ME THAT OLD

"I SLIPPED IN THE GARBAGE" ROUTINE.

I FOUND MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROBBERY.

2 MASKED MEN, ONE WITH A GREAT, BIG GUN.

AS HE TURNED AND LOOKED AT ME,

HE HAD FIRE IN HIS EYES.

OHH...SUDDENLY, I FELT THIS STRANGE SENSATION

RUSHING THROUGH MY BODY,

AND I REACHED OUT FOR HIS...

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

HIS...

DID I INTERRUPT SOMETHING?

NO. I CAN'T TYPE WORTH A DAMN,

SO I HAVE SOMEONE COME IN AND DO IT FOR ME.

HERE.

WHAT'S THIS?

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING.

THANKS.

HOW SWEET.

[TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL]

LOOK, IF I AM CHARGED WITH SOMETHING,

THEN JUST SAY SO!

HEY, HOW'S MY MAKEUP?

[TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL]

LOOK, I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN, LIEUTENANT,

BUT YOU CAN SEE I CANNOT AFFORD

TO SHUT DOWN PRODUCTION RIGHT NOW.

UNLESS IT GETS SHUT DOWN FOR US,

WHICH IS WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IF YOUR STAR...

IF YOUR OTHER STAR DECIDES TO LEAVE.

LISTEN, SHE'S JUST UPSET ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT AND FINDING OUT

ABOUT ALL THE OTHER LEADING LADIES.

GREAT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

YOU KNOW THAT STU BUM THAT YOU HIRED

TO PLAY THE GRAND RULER, HE CALLED THIS MORNING.

HE CANCELED, TOO.

WELL, IF WORSE COMES TO WORSE,

I GUESS I COULD PLAY MULTIPLE ROLES.

WELL, WHERE THE HELL IS REGAN?

THIS IS HIS PICTURE. THIS IS HIS PROBLEM.

I'M JUST A DIRECTOR HERE.

NOBODY KNOWS.

[TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL]

OH, YEAH, LIEUTENANT? FINE.

PROVE IT. UNTIL THEN, ADIOS.

DID YOU SAY SHE'S IN HER DRESSING ROOM?

RIGHT, BUT YOU WON'T HAVE ANY LUCK.

YOU KNOW, I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD PERSONALLY

GIVE HER A TUMBLE IF SHE'D STICK AROUND,

AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS, T.J.,

SHE TURNED ME DOWN.

WELL, THERE'S ONE FOR RIPLEY'S.

[TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL]

NOT ON YOUR LIFE.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

WAS THAT YOU MAKING THAT HORRIBLE NOISE?

SOME KIND OF PRACTICAL JOKE OR SOMETHING?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

HMM, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT YOU TO BE IN THIS PICTURE.

AND I WANT TO LIVE THROUGH THE WEEK.

LISTEN, EMANUELLE,

WE HAVE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL NOW.

THE POLICE ARE HERE ALREADY.

I PHONED THE POLICE LAST NIGHT

WHEN SOMEONE TRIED TO KIDNAP ME.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. I PROMISE YOU.

YOU CAN'T PROMISE ANYTHING,

SO GO AWAY.

LISTEN, CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

WE ALREADY HAVE.

PLEASE, MAY I COME IN?

IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.

I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES.

YOU'D BE WASTING YOUR TIME.

EMANUELLE, IF YOU WALK OFF THIS FILM,

I HAVE NOTHING BUT TIME.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW.

THAT'S WHY YOU'VE COME TO ME LIKE THIS.

OH, OH, LIKE THIS.

UM, I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT THAT.

YOU SEE, OUTSIDE, I SLIPPED AND FELL

ON SOME GARBAGE.

LIKE HELL YOU DID.

YOU KNEW!

KNEW WHAT?

THAT WAS THE ONE THING I LEFT OUT OF MY BOOK,

AND ONLY A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE KNEW.

WHICH ONE OF THEM TOLD YOU?

TOLD ME WHAT?!

THAT THE SMELL OF GARBAGE...

IT TURNS ME INTO A WILD WOMAN!

WHOA.

FIRST TIME I EVER MADE LOVE

WAS INSIDE A GREAT, BIG DUMPSTER.

I WAS 12 AND THE BOY WAS 18.

NO ONE'S EVER BEEN ABLE TO TOP HIM.

DO YOU THINK YOU'D LIKE TO TRY?

I DON'T THINK I'D LIKE TO BE ON TOP OF HIM.

ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO BE IN THIS PICTURE.

WELL, DARLING, HOW COULD I REFUSE YOU...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

SMELLING THE WAY YOU DO?

IF YOU'D BE WILLING TO COVER YOURSELF WITH GARBAGE,

THE REST OF WHAT I HAVE IN MIND

WOULD BE A PIECE OF CAKE.

OH, MY GOD.

AAH!

[SPROING]

[SPLASH]

[BATTLE STATIONS ALARM]

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE YOU, TEELA.

OH, HI. YOU KNOW,

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU TWO.

I THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE,

WE HAD AN EARTHQUAKE.

WELL, THAT'S MY REAL IDEA.

YOU'RE STICKING AROUND, HUH?

I HOPE NOT, MISS FORTES.

SOMEBODY WILL HAVE TO

SIGN FOR THIS.

UM, LIEUTENANT, I MEAN, YOU AND YOUR MEN,

YOU'RE GONNA PROTECT ME, AREN'T YOU?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHY I PAY ALL THESE TAXES FOR, ISN'T IT?

JUST DON'T EXPECT A REFUND

IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG.

YA KNOW, MR. McMASTERS

HAD NO BUSINESS TELLING YOU

WE HAD EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL HERE.

HOW DID YOU KNOW I TOLD HER THAT?

IT'S MY BUSINESS TO KNOW.

JESUS CHRIST.

OH!

OH. BLECCH.

GOD!

ORTELLI.

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

IT'S THE RING HE ALWAYS WORE, ISN'T IT?

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

IT'S MY BUSINESS TO KNOW.

HO, HO, HO, HEY.

"IF I COULD BE THERE, IT WOULD BE GRAND

TO SEE YOUR REACTION TO ORTELLI'S BODY PART"?

RICHARD, THERE WAS A NOTE LIKE THAT

IN THE POCKET OF YOUR ROBE.

LET ME SEE THIS.

[GASPS] IS IT...

ORTELLI? WE THINK SO.

WELL, IF EVERYBODY'S

JUST GONNA STAND AROUND,

WHY DON'T WE SHOOT A QUICK SCENE

OR SOMETHING?

THERE'S BEEN A LITTLE SETBACK, MAC.

ORTELLI.

SON OF A BITCH

HAS TO HAVE HIS HAND IN EVERYTHING.

[RIM SHOT]

THIS CAME JUST A FEW MOMENTS AGO.

WELL, IF IT'S LIKE

ONE OF THOSE RECORD CLUBS,

WE'LL BE SEEING

A NEW PIECE OF ORTELLI EVERY MONTH.

NOW WHERE'S THE GRAND WAAZU

OR WHATEVER HE IS,

AND WHY DON'T WE GET THAT SCENE

IN THE CAN AT LEAST?

HE QUIT.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED

TO ALL THE TROUPERS

THAT USED TO BE IN THIS BUSINESS?

YA KNOW, I MADE A MOVIE ONCE

CALLED SWAMP LIST,

AND THE LEADING LADY IN THAT PICTURE

HAD TO JUMP INTO REAL QUICKSAND

AND SHE DID IT LIKE THAT

WITHOUT BATTING AN EYELASH.

TODAY, YOU CAN'T EVEN GET AN ACTOR

TO JUMP IN A SWIMMING POOL

UNLESS IT'S HEATED.

I REMEMBER THAT GIRL.

THEY NEVER DID FIND HER BODY.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

MY NAME IS ALLEN. I'M WITH THE POLICE.

HEY. EVER DONE ANY ACTING?

IN HIGH SCHOOL, I TOOK A DRAMA CLASS.

GREAT! A VETERAN!

YOU'LL BE TERRIFIC.

GET HIS COSTUME.

[LAUGHS] JUST BE YOURSELF,

AND EVERYTHING'LL WORK OUT JUST FINE.

YEAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID TO YOUR MOTHER

THE NIGHT OF YOUR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAY.

OH, JESUS H. CHRIST.

HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

IT'S MY BUSINESS TO KNOW.

NOW WE ARE ON SCHEDULE.

I LOVE THIS BUSINESS!

THE CHALLENGES, THE PRESSURES...

THE MONEY.

YOU THINK I DID BAT GIRLS FROM MARS

FOR THE MONEY?

NO. LOBSTERMEN FROM MARS

I DID FOR THE MONEY.

THIS YOU ARE DOING

BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE BUSINESS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?

DON'T TELL ME I'M A SUSPECT.

HEY, EVERYBODY HERE IS A SUSPECT,

INCLUDING ME.

[PRESSES ONE KEY]

[PRESSES ANOTHER KEY]

[TYPES]

[TYPES]

[TYPES]

SH...

"DEAR MOM."

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

BOX OFFICE SPECTACULARS.

[INDISTINCT BABBLE]

OH, IT'S YOU.

WELL, I TOLD YOU YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE

LISTENED TO HIM.

WELL, THEN IN THE SECOND PLACE,

YOU SHOULD HAVE HUNG UP.

RIGHT, UH-HUH.

HEY, CAN YOU HANG ON A MINUTE?

NO, I HEAR MY MOTHER CALLING.

YOU IDIOT.

MOTHER NATURE.

BE RIGHT BACK.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

OUR LOVE WAS MEANT TO SPAN THE GALAXIES.

NOT EVEN A SUPERNOVA

CAN ERASE WHAT I FEEL FOR YOU.

GOOD.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

OH, WELL, NOW YOU SEE,

HERE'S WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO GRAB MY CROTCH, YOU SEE.

THIS IS ONLY A REHEARSAL.

YEAH, BUT IT WOULD HELP ME, YOU KNOW,

SORT OF GET INSIDE THE CHARACTER.

YOURS OR MINE?

THAT'S--THAT'S GOOD.

OK, I'M BACK.

YEAH, SOMEBODY JUST LEFT THIS NOTE ON MY DESK.

"EVERYONE YOU KNOW WILL DIE

UNLESS WE SEE THINGS THE SAME"?

ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T LEAVE THIS NOTE?

THE THING ABOUT THIS PICTURE

IS IT'S GOTTA MOVE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MM-HMM. NOW, AS I UNDERSTAND IT,

YOU STAND A BETTER CHANCE OF MAKING MONEY

IF THIS PICTURE DOESN'T GET MADE, RIGHT?

WELL, I'LL TELL YA ONE THING:

IF YOU AND ME WAS TALKING LIKE THIS

IN ONE OF MY MOVIES,

THE SCENE WOULD NEVER FLY.

TOOK YA LONG ENOUGH.

SEE, PEOPLE JUST WON'T SIT FOR IT,

2 PEOPLE YAPPIN' AWAY.

YA GOTTA GIVE THEM SOMETHING

LIKE AN EXPLOSION OR A CAR CRASH.

IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD THAT,

THEN YOU GIVE THEM A LITTLE T&A.

WELL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT MONEY

WAS A BETTER MOTIVATION FOR MURDER THAN JEALOUSY.

WHAT ABOUT ORTELLI?

HE HAD MORE REASON THAN ME.

HE'S THE ONE THAT SOLD 250%

OF THIS PICTURE, NOT ME.

YEAH, BUT HE'S DEAD NOW.

SO WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT'S YOUR MOTIVE?

[TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL]

Both: YOU'RE KIDDING!

OK, LET'S SHOOT THIS THING!

I THOUGHT WE WERE SHOOTING THAT SCENE

WITH TERRY.

WELL, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU THOUGHT THAT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I TOLD YOU WE WERE DOING.

WELL, I DON'T THINK I EVEN KNOW

MY MOTIVATION FOR THIS SCENE YET.

$30 A DAY AND LUNCH.

OH, HA HA!

OK, PLACES, EVERYBODY!

WELL, NOW--NOW,

BUT WE'RE GONNA REHEARSE, AREN'T WE?

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LIE THERE.

REMEMBER, YOU ARE UNCONSCIOUS IN THIS SCENE.

SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

WELL, I'D LIKE A REHEARSAL.

HEY, HEY, HONEY, NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

WE'RE GONNA ROLL ON THIS, GARY.

HOLD ON. WASN'T HE SUPPOSED TO BE SHOT

WITH AN INTERGALACTIC RAY GUN?

NO, NO, NO. THAT COMES IN THE SCENE LATER

WHEN THE... WAIT A MINUTE.

I THINK HE'S RIGHT, ISN'T HE, BURT?

YEAH, HE IS. RIGHT.

WELL, YEAH, HIS RIGHT ARM IS SUPPOSED TO BE BLEEDING.

ABSOLUTELY.

OK, WELL, WE DON'T HAVE ANY BLOOD,

SO, RICHARD YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO--

WELL, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO LIE ON THAT SIDE, OK?

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET A VERY GOOD POSITION

ON MY FACE FROM THERE, YOU KNOW.

WELL, WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO BRAVE IT OUT.

OK, IS EVERYBODY READY?!

WELL, THIS IS A REHEARSAL, ISN'T IT?

THIS WHOLE FILM'S A REHEARSAL.

YES, BUT PLAY IT FOR EVERYTHING IT'S WORTH.

PRETEND IT'S A TAKE

AND YOU KNOW, WE'RE JUST GONNA ROLL

A LITTLE BIT OF FILM THROUGH THE CAMERA

TO MAKE IT SEEM MORE AUTHENTIC, OK?

EVERYBODY--RICHARD,

PLEASE MOVE JUST A LITTLE BIT TO THE RIGHT.

NOW YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE MY FACE AT ALL

IF I DO THAT!

EMANUELLE?

OK, ALLEN, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

OK, READY AND...

[WHISPERS] Roll the camera.

OK, TURNOVER.

ACTION!

TODD...

[GRUNTS]

HE'S ALIVE.

NOT FOR LONG.

OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA KILL HIM.

TEELA, WHAT DOES THIS EARTH MAN MEAN TO YOU?

HE'S JUST A SOURCE OF INFORMATION,

THAT'S ALL.

MONGO MONO HAS SUCKED HIM DRY.

EVERYTHING HE KNOWS IS IN OUR BRAIN BANKS.

HE'S ABSOLUTELY USELESS TO US NOW.

I COULD HAVE TOLD 'EM THAT.

AS I UNDERSTAND IT, PLAN 9 WAS A BUST

SO WE'RE GOING DIRECTLY TO PLAN 18.

BUT IF THIS IS TRUE,

HE'S A VALUABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION.

Al: THAT'S NOT WHAT I'VE DECIDED.

BUT EVEN YOU CAN MAKE MISTAKES,

AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM.

T.J.: CUT!

[EXHALES] SO HOW'D IT LOOK FOR YOU?

FOR MY MONEY IT'S THE BEST THING

I'VE SEEN IN THE SHOW.

YOU DON'T THINK IT PLAYED A LITTLE TOO SLOW?

NO, JUST THE RIGHT RHYTHM.

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.

T.J., ARE YOU SURE I LOOKED ALL RIGHT?

NEVER BETTER, PAL.

WELL, TERRIFIC. NOW LET'S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT SET UP.

LET'S GO.

MAKE UP!

OH, THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

IT'S GOTTA GET BETTER THAN THIS.

[RHYTHMIC KNOCK]

IS THIS T.J.'s OFFICE?

YEAH. CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M MARTINE. WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

OH, YES! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ARRANGED

MY PERSONAL APPEARANCE AT THE GAY RODEO.

AWFUL LOT OF BULLDOGGING GOING ON AROUND THERE.

YOU'RE TELLING ME.

SO IS T.J. AROUND?

RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR, BUT HE'S BUSY.

THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.

THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED.

LONG DAY?

IT'S STILL GOING FOR ME.

YOU WORK WAY TOO HARD AND TOO LONG.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT MARTINE SAYS.

TOO HARD AND TOO LONG.

UH, CAN I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?

MAYBE I CAN DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE I'M PRETTY BUSY RIGHT NOW.

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LOOKING AT THE SCENES WE SHOT TODAY.

MMM. WELL, DON'T YOU JUST RUN THEM

THROUGH A MOVIE PROJECTOR. IT WOULD BE A LOT QUICKER.

EMANUELLE, THIS IS A REAL LOW-BUDGET FILM.

RIGHT NOW I WANT TO REHEARSE

TOMORROW'S SEX SCENES WITH YOU.

[CRACKS]

UH, L-LOOK, THIS ISN'T REALLY NECESSARY.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T EVEN READ THIS PART OF THE SCRIPT YET.

OH, WELL, UM, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT GOES.

WHAT ABOUT THE NOISE?

I MEAN, MY SECRETARY, SHE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

HMM. WELL, I WON'T MAKE A SOUND.

ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M AFRAID I WILL.

[UNZIPS ZIPPER]

OH, YEAH. YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT SCENE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT I THINK WE SHOT THIS ONE ALREADY.

AARGH!

PLAYING CUTESY WITH MY BOSS, HUH?

IT SEEMED LIKE SOMEBODY HAD TO.

NOBODY BUT NOBODY DOES A LIP MASSAGE

ON THAT GUY EXCEPT ME!

WELL, IF YOU'RE SO CRAZY ABOUT HIM

HOW COME YOU KNOCKED HIM OUT?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO SEE

WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU!

COME ON! ARGH!

AAH!

YOU LITTLE TWERP!

AAH!

I'M GONNA FIX YOU, YOU LITTLE BRAT.

AAH!

KILL YOU!

DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM! UNH!

YOU LITTLE BRAT, I'M GONNA FIX YOU!

AAH!

I'M GONNA TIE YOU UP TO THE BEDPOST!

AAH!

COME ON, YOU BITCH!

AAH!

[CRACKS]

AAH!

OH--

OH!

OHH!

CANNED AGAIN.

"ROSES ARE RED, MELONS ARE ROUND,

"DON'T TRY LOOKING FOR EMANUELLE

BECAUSE SHE'LL NEVER BE...LOCATED."

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

YOU'RE NOT AFRAID?

NO.

I COULD KILL YOU.

IF YOU WANTED TO KILL ME

YOU ALREADY WOULD HAVE.

YOU DIDN'T KIDNAP THE OTHERS.

OOH! YOU JUST KILLED THEM.

I COULD NEVER KILL YOU, EMANUELLE.

OH! I RECOGNIZE THAT VOICE.

I'VE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT.

OH! IT'S CHANGED SOME, BUT, UH--

WAIT.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪

T.J., WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?

HEY, DICK. HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING YET?

NO, NO, I CALLED LIEUTENANT AL

AND HE'S OUT TO LUNCH.

THAT'S GOOD.

AND REGAN, MAC REGAN, HA! COULDN'T GET A HOLD OF HIM.

TYPICAL PRODUCER-- NEVER RETURNS ACTORS' CALLS.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THERE'S A GOOD REASON FOR THAT.

MAYBE HE'S THE KILLER.

T.J., NOW LISTEN UP. I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUDDY.

I MEAN I KNOW IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THOUGHT,

BUT NOW JUST SUPPOSE THAT EMANUELLE IS, YOU KNOW--

YOU MEAN SUPPOSE SHE'S KILLED.

AH! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

BUT ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SUPPOSE, SUPPOSE...

SUPPOSE SHE'S KILLED.

WOULDN'T THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE

AS FAR AS MY BILLING IS CONCERNED?

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT BILLING

AT A TIME LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU'RE THE MURDERER.

HA! ME?! WELL, WHY NOT?

MAYBE YOU'D KILL TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.

OH-- HUH?

NO!

I DON'T THINK.

THERE!

GARBAGE?

WHY YOU MUST BE VICTOR!

VICTOR BUNTZ.

YOU REMEMBERED!

HOW COULD I EVER FORGET THAT AFTERNOON

WE SPENT IN THE GARBAGE?

BOTH OF HANDS WERE FREE THEN, OF COURSE.

THINGS WERE A--A LOT LESS COMPLICATED THEN.

YEAH, AND A LOT SAFER, TOO.

CAREFUL!

I'M VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT CERTAIN SUBJECTS.

YEAH, LIKE MURDER?

[RASPY BREATH] PLEASE!

WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER FOR A DECADE OR MORE.

DON'T RUIN THIS MOMENT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU'RE JUST GONNA BRING

A COUPLE OF GARBAGE CANS IN HERE

AND THAT'S GONNA MAKE EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

HUH! SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

YOU.

WELL, WHAT ELSE?

EH, IT'LL DO FOR NOW.

YEAH, I'M EXPECTING A CALL ANY MOMENT

THAT MIGHT BREAK THIS CASE WIDE OPEN.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU 2 BOZOS WERE

GETTING YOUR FINGERPRINTS

ALL OVER THAT NOTE THIS AFTERNOON

I FIGURED THAT SCREWED UP

ANY CHANCE WE EVER HAD OF LIFTING

THE KILLER'S PRINTS OFF IT, BUT--HA HA!

I SENT IT DOWN TO

THE BOYS AT THE LAB ANYWAY.

AND?

THEY FOUND A COUPLE OF PRINTS ON IT

MATCHED UP WITH A GUY NAMED

VICTOR BUNTZ.

EITHER OF YOU GUYS EVER HEAR OF THEM?

NO. WHO IS HE?

HE WAS CONNECTED WITH THE MURDER

OF A DR. EDWARD WOOD SOME TIME AGO

IN SWEDEN.

HEY, DON'T YOU HAVE A SPARE HAMBURGER

OR ANYTHING AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?

I HAVE TO MAKE IT.

MAKE IT.

YOU GOT IT.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

OH, IT WAS DéJà VU ALL OVER AGAIN.

I KNOW. IT WAS...FANTASTIC.

SORRY I HAVE TO GO SO SOON

BUT I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN.

WHAT, BETWEEN MURDERS? AT THE RATE YOU'RE GOING

I WON'T BE SEEING MUCH OF YOU.

ONE MORE AT THE STUDIO AND I'LL BE DONE.

KEEP THE FIRES BURNING.

AW. MEN!

SO THIS BUNTZ CHARACTER COULD BE ANYBODY.

THE SURGEON CHANGED HIS FACE

AND THEN HE KILLS THE SURGEON,

THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNEW WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE.

[RINGS]

HELLO. YEAH. IT'S FOR YOU.

HELLO.

T.J., DON'T EXPECT A FIRST-RATE

PERFORMANCE FROM ME TOMORROW MORNING,

WHAT WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON.

I NEVER HAVE, DICK.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, SURE.

JUST WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.

THAT WAS THE ADDRESS OF A WAREHOUSE

OWNED BY VICTOR BUNTZ.

LISTEN, I HAVE A HUNCH IF WE GO THERE

WE'LL FIND MS. FORTES, HUH?

YOU THINK WE SHOULD GO GET HER?

EH! HMM!

UNH!

OH, SHIT.

WHERE THE HELL AM I GONNA SQUEEZE THIS--

I GOTTA CUT THIS BUDGET.

RICHARD TRENT. I'LL CUT HIS PAY IN HALF.

EH, HE'S TOO DUMB. HE'LL NEVER KNOW. HEH!

LET'S SEE, THAT $25 TIMES 5 DAYS.

$125.

THAT'S IT! YEAH.

[METAL WARPS]

I GOT ENOUGH MATERIAL FOR 3 BOOKS NOW.

HEY, MURPHY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT TUNA FISH SANDWICH

THAT WAS IN THAT GLOVE COMPARTMENT?

I ATE IT. I WAS HUNGRY.

I HAVEN'T HAD A BREAK

IN A LONG TIME.

THAT WASN'T YOURS TO EAT.

IT WAS IN THERE FOR MORE THAN A WEEK.

I THOUGHT YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT.

JESUS!

EMANUELLE!

EMANUELLE!

AH, DON'T WASTE YOUR BREATH. SHE AIN'T HERE.

WELL, I THOUGH YOU SAID SHE'D BE HERE.

SHE WAS. CAN'T YOU SMELL THE PERFUME?

I CAN, I...CAN. SOMETHING VERY...

KINKY HAS BEEN GOING ON IN THIS ROOM.

WELL, THEN HERE IS SHE THEN?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN TAKE A PRETTY GOOD GUESS.

DID YOU EVER STOP TO WONDER WHY EMANUELLE'S

YOUR ONLY LEADING LADY THAT WAS KIDNAPPED, HUH?

NO. NO.

NEVER KEPT ME AWAKE AT NIGHT.

YEAH, WELL, THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS

YOU AWAKE IS ONE OF YOUR OWN MOVIES.

THAT'S FUNNY. THEY HAVE JUST THE OPPOSITE EFFECT ON ME.

SO WHAT IS YOUR POINT, LIEUTENANT?

WELL, LISTEN, IT'S MY GUESS

THAT THE KILLER IS IN LOVE WITH HER

AND HE'S GONE BACK TO THE STUDIO

TO KILL AGAIN, AND EMANUELLE'S

GONE THERE TO STOP HIM.

NOW HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?

YEAH. LET'S GO!

YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO EAT HERE.

LIEUTENANT?

"WHEN THINGS ARE ROUGH DON'T LET IT BE SAID

THAT LIKE MARTINE YOU LOST YOUR...NERVE?"

UGH!

OH, WELL. I NEVER LIKED HER ANYWAY.

AH!

ARE YOU STILL ANGRY ABOUT THAT SANDWICH?

JUST DRIVE, WILL YOU?

AND STEP ON IT, PLEASE.

HAVE I TOLD YOU THE ONE ABOUT

THE 3 PEOPLE STRANDED ON THIS ISLAND?

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

I DO.

THERE WERE THESE 2 GUYS AND ONE GAL.

THEY WERE STRANDED ON THIS DESERT ISLAND.

IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS SHE GOT SO DISGUSTED

WHAT SHE WAS DOING, SHE KILLED HERSELF.

ABOUT 3 WEEKS LATER, THEY GOT SO DISGUSTED

WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH HER

THEY BURIED HER.

AND ABOUT 2 WEEKS LATER, THEY GOT DISGUSTED

WHAT THEY WERE DOING TO EACH OTHER,

THEY DUG HER UP AGAIN.

HA! THAT'S-- THAT'S SICK.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS KIND OF CUTE MYSELF. HA HA!

OH! REGAN!

[WHINES]

OH, NOW I'LL NEVER GET PAID.

"REGAN WAS AN ASSHOLE

"SO I KILLED HIM WITH APLOMB,

"AND ALL THE REST WILL DIE

UNLESS THE FIND MY...EXPLOSIVE."

AAH!

OHH! OHH! OH!

HEY, I'M STARVING. LET'S STOP AT THIS

AT THIS LITTLE BURGER JOINT COMING UP.

WHAT, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? WE CAN'T STOP.

THAT'S THE PLACE WITH

THE REALLY GREAT FRIES, YEAH?

WELL, IT IS.

UNH! OH, LET ME GO!

LET ME GO! LET ME GO OR I'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF!

ARGH!

OOF! AAH! GOD, CREEP!

I'M GONNA--UNH!

THAT'S IT. I'M TRYING MY KARATE ON YOU.

TAKE THAT MASK OFF YOU! AAH!

OW! OH, GOD, HELP!

LIEUTENANT, WHERE ARE YOU?!

LIEUTENANT! AAH!

AND SHE SAYS, "NOT IF THAT'S THE BEST

YOU CAN DO."

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU GUYS STOPPED.

HEY, WE'LL MAKE IT IN GOOD TIME.

RIGHT. HER FUCKING LIFE'S IN DANGER

AND GUYS STOP FOR SOMETHING TO EAT.

NO! HEY, ISN'T THAT THE PLACE THAT--

OH, NEVER MIND.

THEY HAVE THE BEST GODDAMN PIZZA

IN THE WORLD!

NO, THAT'S NOT THE PLACE.

OH, YOU BET ME.

GUYS!

I'LL BET YOU THAT IF I'M WRONG

THEN I WILL PAY FOR EVERYTHING,

OTHERWISE WE'LL PITCH IN, ALL OF US.

ALL RIGHT.

UNH! OH! OH!

OH, LORD, HELP ME.

I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR THIS.

OH, JEEZ, WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY?

OH! AH!

DO YOU MIND? YOUR KNEE'S IN MY GROIN.

OH, I'M SORRY.

MYRA?!

IF I'D HAVE KNOWN IT WAS YOU

I WOULDN'T HAVE JUMPED YOU.

NOTHING'S BEEN WORKING OUT RIGHT FOR ME LATELY.

THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING OUT VERY WELL LATELY

FOR THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU EITHER.

CAREFUL, THAT'S HOT.

I'M SURPRISED YOU GOT IT TO GO.

DON'T BITCH. IT'S BAD

FOR YOUR DIGESTION.

LISTEN, TURN ON THE SIREN.

NOT WHILE WE'RE EATING.

JUST DO IT!

[SIREN]

NOW THERE, YOU SATISFIED?

HMM.

THE ONLY MOMENT OF REAL HAPPINESS

I EVER KNEW AS VICTOR BUNTZ

WAS THAT AFTERNOON WITH YOU IN THE GARBAGE.

I JUST WASN'T CUT OUT TO BE A GUY, YOU KNOW?

I WAS LOUSY AT SPORTS, BEER MADE ME NAUSEOUS,

I HATED SHAVING IN THE MORNING.

SO I WENT TO THIS DOCTOR IN SWEDEN

AND I CHANGED MY SEX.

OK, GUYS, GIVE ME A SLICE.

YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M HUNGRY.

OH, UN-UN-UN-UN-UH!

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT DIDN'T WANT TO STOP, REMEMBER?

COME ON, BUT THE DAMAGE IS DONE.

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO CHIP IN.

OK, HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

AW, GIVE HIM A SLICE.

OH, NO! HE HAS BEEN SULKING LIKE A CHILD.

LET HIM GO ON SULKING.

SUIT YOURSELF.

OH, FOR CHRIST SAKES.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A MOVIE STAR.

YOU KNOW, BRIGHT LIGHTS, FLASHY CARS, GLAMOUR,

THE ENQUIRER. NOW LOOK AT ME.

WHY ALL THE MURDERS?

IT STARTED WITH DR. EDWARD WOOD.

I WAS FANTASIZING ABOUT MY POOL AND MANSION

IN BEVERLY HILLS WHEN SUDDENLY I SAW

THE DOCTOR STANDING THERE WITH SOME

BEFORE-AND-AFTER PHOTOS OF ME IN HIS HAND

AND I REALIZED HE COULD DESTROY ME,

SO I SAVED HIM THE DISGRACE

OF BECOMING A BLACKMAILER.

BY KILLING HIM?

I COULDN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER WAY,

FOR ALL THE GOOD IT'S DONE ME.

I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE RIGHT PERSON TO KILL

TO GET INTO MOVIES.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I SAW HOW WELL YOU WERE

DOING FOR YOURSELF,

BUT YOU COULDN'T CRACK THE MOVIES EITHER,

SO I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A HAND.

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO GOT ME THIS PART?

IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY.

I ASSUMED YOU'D BE SCARED OFF THIS MOVIE,

BUT ONCE YOU WERE IN HOLLYWOOD

THINGS WOULD START HAPPENING FOR YOU.

COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST SCARED THE OTHERS OFF?

DID YOU HAVE TO KILL 'EM?

I COULDN'T STAND TO WATCH THEM WITH RICHARD.

I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH FOR THAT.

AND AFTER ALL THIS,

YOU'RE GONNA CHUCK IT ALL AND BOMB THE PLACE?

HAND GRENADE.

I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO MAKE A BOMB.

YOU KNOW, I WAS HOPING YOU'D UNDERSTAND

ABOUT ALL OF THIS,

BUT I CAN SEE THAT YOU DON'T.

SO NOW YOU HAVE TO KILL ME, TOO.

PLEASE, LET'S NOT SPOIL

OUR LAST FEW MOMENTS TOGETHER.

[SIREN]

OK, I'M SORRY.

I ACTED LIKE A JERK BEFORE.

IT'S OK.

HE ONLY WANTS A PIZZA.

AH, HERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HEY, YOU GUYS ATE IT ALL!

LISTEN, HOW SORRY ARE YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ARE YOU SORRY ENOUGH

TO BUY US ALL A DRINK OR 2 UP HERE AT KELLY'S PUB?

IT'S COMING UP.

HEY, HEY, THEY GOT A WAITRESS IN THERE

GOT A SET OF TITS YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M GONNA STAND AROUND

WAITING FOR YOU TO BUMP ME OFF?

OH, GOOD THINKING.

I HAVEN'T LEFT MUCH TO CHANCE.

[BATTLE STATIONS ALARM]

[SIREN]

EMANUELLE!

EMANUELLE!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

HEY, WE HAULED ASS GETTING HERE!

LOOK!

[ALARM CLOCK RINGING]

I'LL GO BACK TO MY PLANET

AND TELL EVERYBODY OF EARTH

THAT YOU WANT OUR PLANETS TO BE HARMONIOUS.

YOU KNOW?

HE SAID EXHAUST INSTEAD OF EXALTED,

AND HE DROPPED A COUPLE OF LINES.

WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

MMM.

TEELA, TEELA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[SAW BLADE WOBBLING]

T.J.: CUT!

WILL THIS MOVIE NEVER END?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--