Original subtitles

01 Scary Movie 1 - Comedy 2000 English

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello? - [MENACING VOICE] Wanna have fun?

- Who is this? - Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.

I don't think so. [FARTS]

- What's that noise? - Oops. I farted.

- I-I didn't think you would hear me. - No, that popping noise.

Oh! I'm making popcorn. I'm getting ready to watch a video.

- Ooh! What is it? - It's just a scary movie.

- Do you like scary movies? - Mm-hm.

- What's your favourite? - Mm, I don't know.

Think.

Oh, I know. Kazaam you know, the one where Shaq plays a genie?

- That's not a horror movie. - Well, you haven't seen Shaq act.

[POOPING]

- Hey, you have a nice voice. - Thanks.

You never did tell me your name.

Why do you wanna know my name?

Cos I wanna know who I'm looking at.

What... what did you say?

Nice breasts.

Look, what do you want?

I wanna see what your insides look like.

Well, then turn to page 54.

Oh.

Hey, nice!

Listen, ass hole, you've had your fun.

- Now you'd better stop, or else. - Or else what?

Or else my boyfriend's gonna be here any minute. He's black, and he'll kick your ass.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

The one who wears makeup and dresses like a woman?

- How did you know? - Turn the porch lights on.

Help! Help!

Oh, that's not my boyfriend.

I've fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.

- [SQUEALING] - Look, I'm calling the cops.

Go ahead. Call the cops.

But you might wanna check the back door first.

You forgot to lock it.

[DOORBELL]

Take that, you psycho!

[GROANING]

I can't feel my legs.

I think my arm is broken.

- Sorry. - I want my mommy.

Hello, Drew.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[DREW] No!

Hm?

[WHIMPERS]

Daddy! Daddy!

Ugh!

Daddy!

- [MOAN] - Daddy, no! No!

- Did you hear something? - No, I didn't hear anything.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

[RUSTLING]

[DOG BARKING]

[SQUEALS]

Bobby! What are you doing? My dad's in the other room.

It occurred to me I never climbed through your window.

Now that you got it out of your system, Bobby, you got to leave.

- Why'? - [DOOR RATTLES]

Shh. Come on.

What's going on in there? Agh! Ow!

Daddy's head is stuck. Unstick Daddy's head. Ohh!

- Dad, can you knock? - Knock?

- I thought I heard screaming in here. - No. No, you didn't, Dad.

It could've been that crack I smoked earlier, I guess.

- Yeah. - Yeah, that's what it was.

I gotta leave town for a couple of days - that business I started with the Colombians.

- Oh, you mean Uncle Escobar. - Yeah, that's right.

There's a problem. Some money went missing.

Apparently, legs are gonna get broken. It's better if I lay low for a couple of days.

- If the cops raid the place... - I never heard of you.

- And don't forget... - To flush your stash.

Oh, you are my little girl. I love you so much...

- I left you something in the coffee can. - Dad.

But you have to remember to step on it before you sell it.

- Now, what are you gonna cut it with? - Um, baking...

Baking soda. Not baking powder.

Because baking powder guys will have muffins growing out of their nose.

You love that joke, don't you? You've loved that joke since you were two years old.

- OK, well... - OK, I love you.

- I love you. - Have a good trip.

- Bye. - Bye.

[AS MONKEY] Is the coast clear? Oh, Cindy, that nightgown!

That was close. God!

I was, uh, home watching The Exorcist, and it got me thinking about you.

If this is about the time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix...

It was my first keg party, Bobby.

No. No.

It was edited for TV. All the good stuff was cut out.

So you thought you would just climb through my window

and we would play bump-bump?

I was kind of hoping to get my balls licked,

but I wouldn't wanna break your little underwear rule.

So maybe just some on-top-of-the-clothes type stuff?

OK.

But just for a minute.

What the...?!

Wrong set.

♪ [theme to Dawson's Creek] ♪

Bobby...

Oh, Bobby...

♪ I don't wanna wait ♪ ♪ for our lives to be over ♪

- No, Bobby, don't. - Ow!

- Jeez. - [ELECTRICITY BUZZES]

- I see. - Yeah, my dad.

OK, stud... you have to go now.

Oh, um, about the sex stuff?

I was only half serious. I don't wanna rush you.

Hey, would you settle for PG-13?

What's that?

Oh, jeez!

- [CRASH] - Good night, Bobby.

- [LAUGHING] - Shorty, you are so loud!

Make sure you take your behind to class today.

- I do be going to class. - Lunch is not a class, Shorty.

It is when you got the munchies.

- See, that's why you such a dumb-ass. - Your mother.

You my brother. That's your mother too, jackass.

Oh, yeah. Well, then, your father's stupid.

So? I don't know him.

Yeah, me neither.

- Hey, girl, you ready? - Yeah, in a minute.

- Come on, we're gonna be late. - Wait. There's Buffy.

I don't know why you hang out with her. She is such a ho!

- Why do you say that? - Cos I've seen her.

- My friend Sean had a pool party... - Sean?

You know, Puff Daddy?

Anyway, everybody was drinking Crystal champagne.

Then it got wild, and people were getting freaky in the pool.

I look over, and there was your girl getting buck-wild in the Jacuzzi.

- So? - With a backup dancer!

I mean, that's nasty. That's lower than the security guard.

At least security can get you backstage. She don't love herself.

- Bye, Daddy. - I don't know. I think Buffy's sweet, Brenda.

She is as fake as press-on nails.

- Hey, baby girl! - Hi. Hi.

What is up, my sister?

- Bye, Mr Gilmore. - Bye!

- Is he gone? - Yep.

♪ Do you like what you see? ♪

♪ It's all about the money ♪

[GIRL] Hey, Cindy!

- I love this colour. - Let me see that.

Oh, you guys should not use this brand.

- Why not? - Cos they test their products on animals.

- So? - Look.

Have you seen what they do to those poor animals?

Well, I am much more of a people person.

I'd like to feed all the hungry little children of the world.

- I'd rather help my fellow man... - Spare a dollar?

- Get away from me, you burn! - Buffy!

Can't you see he's just hungry?

Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich.

- See? - I said a dollar, bitch!

Ow!

God! Look at this place.

It's a circus.

Hello. I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book You're Dead, I'm Rich.

A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened:

a brutal killing spree that left one teen dead...

- That's it! ..two teens dead... - [GUNSHOT]

and this small town shaken and stirred.

- It's times like these... - Police are combing the area for clues.

There are no witnesses available at this time.

There are no suspects in custody. Police are asking anyone...

Reporting live for Black TV. White folks are dead, and we're getting the fuck outta here!

Grab your shit and let's go, mother fucker! Let's go!

Hey, do you think the press is gonna wanna talk to us?

Oh, no. The press only wants to interview the most ignorant person they can find.

I'm on TV! Oh, shit! First Cops, now this!

I'm gonna be a star!

- What can you tell us about Drew? - Well, she had the phat ass.

- I mean, it was, like, bang! - How close were you to the victim?

Real close. Until the roofies wore off. She woke up talking about pressing charges,

so I pulled my tongue out of her ass and left.

What would have been your last words to Drew?

Run, bitch! Run!

Hey, yo, dog. Does this shirt make me look gay?

No, man.

- What about now? - Nah.

- Cool? - Yeah.

Don't forget: election's Tuesday.

[MOCKING] Don't forget: election's Tuesday.

Oh! Goddammit!

Son of a bitch!

What's the matter, honey?

My report card.

Well, at least you got one.

- Yeah. I did, huh? - Yeah.

- You're so smart. - [MOANING]

- Hey, has anybody seen Bobby? - Nah.

You know what? That kid is always late.

I don't get it. He lives so close.

♪ [PUNK SONG 2 BY SILVERCHAIR] ♪

See you later, Hairy Mama, Bubba, Jim,

Big Jim, Little Jim, Slim Jim, everybody.

I'll see you later. Ciao, Ding. All right.

Damn, girl. Mm-mm-mm.

- I'd sure like to get in your pants. - Really?

Yeah. What size are these?

- [BOBBY] Hey, GUYS- - Hey, Bobby.

Hey, baby.

- How you doing? - Good.

You guys see all the reporters out there?

Saying that girl Drew Decker got killed last night.

- You know what? I think I knew her. - Really?

- She had a brother named Steve? - Yeah.

Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass?

- That was her. - Nah, I was talking about Steve.

Whatever happened to him?

Do you guys think it's strange that she got killed

exactly one year after we, you know, killed that guy?

Hey! Cindy, that was an accident.

Was it, Greg?

[GREG] Yeah! Yeah!

[GREG LAUGHING]

Would you look at what they're doing?

When are we gonna do stuff like that, huh?

One day.

- You like that, baby? - Yeah, that's different.

- You like that? - Oh, I love that.

Oh, I love when you play with my ass.

I'm not playing with your ass.

- Ray! - Oh, my bad.

[POP]

Come on, man!

Hey, Bobby, put on some music.

Hold on. Here, put this on.

♪ [IT'S RAINING MEN BY THE WEATHER GIRLS] ♪

Yeah, that's the shit right here! Whoo!

♪ - Hallelujah ♪ ♪ - It's raining men ♪

♪ - Baby! ♪ ♪ - Amen ♪

♪ - I'm gonna go out... ♪ ♪ - What? It's a classic. ♪

♪ - Absolutely soaking wet ♪ ♪ - Put on the radio, man. ♪

♪ [EVERYBODY WANTS YOU BY THE UNBAND] ♪

Yeah! Whoo!

- What? It was laundry day. - What the fuck is...?

Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Hey, come over here.

- What? - Just get a little closer to me.

- Something you're gonna tell me? - [UNZIPS ZIP]

- Bobby, what are you doing?! - I just want you to touch it.

- Uh... - Just a little bit. Come on.

Whoo!

- Ow! - Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God! Shit!

God, Cindy...

Oh, shit!

- [RAY] Oh, my God. - What was that?

I think we hit something.

Oh, man!

Bobby, look at my car, man! My dad's gonna freak!

[BOBBY] I didn't see it. It came out of nowhere.

- Oh, my God, we hit a boot! - Where's the foot?

I don't know.

Where the...?

- [SCREAMS] - Agh, it's a body!

- Oh, shit. Is he alive? - I don't know.

- Well, check it out! - I can't.

- Shit! - We have to call the police.

- No way. I ain't going to jail. - We have to!

Hey, Cindy, do you know what they do to young boys in prison?

All those sex-starved convicts just waiting for a fresh piece of meat.

- Maybe we should call the police. - [GREG] Yeah, that's a great idea.

What about Brenda? Think she wants to go to jail?

This is manslaughter. We're all gonna fry for this.

- We're looking at 10 to 15 years. - Shut up, Bobby!

- Alcohol all over... - I'm fine.

- [CINDY] We're in so much trouble. - I'm fine.

[BRENDA] Don't blame it on me, Ray.

- Look, we'll get rid of the body. - Unnecessary.

- We'll dump him in the ocean. - [BRENDA] No, the pier.

- I'll be leaving now. - [GREG] Great idea.

- What about the alcohol? - We'll get rid of it.

- Hurry up, let's go. - Put him in the trunk.

- I won't have anything to do with it! - [GREG] Shut up!

Cindy, come on. We'll just pretend it never happened.

You know, like the time we got drunk and we went down on each other.

- I'll get his arm. - I'll grab his other arm.

I'll grab his ass.

We'll take him to Williamson Cove and dump him.

The sharks'|| take care of the evidence.

Oh, my God, someone's coming!

- Oh, shit. It's Shorty. - Brenda, take care of him.

♪ [RAP ON RADIO] ♪

Shorty, I know you ain't driving without no papers.

I got papers, blunts, bongs -

all the ingredients to make a high-nigger pie.

[SCREECHING LAUGHTER]

- Hey, yo, can I help you? - Yo, what's up, Ray?

- Yo, son, y'all need jumper cables? - Nah, we're cool.

Oh, good, cos I left my roach clip at home.

- Go home, Shorty. - Yeah. I'll see you later.

Peace, Ray.

- Get the trunk closed. - [BUFFY] It won't close.

- I'll do it. - [GROANING]

[SHORTY AND FRIENDS LAUGHING]

Hold on, hold on. Put him down - he's heavy.

Oh, Jesus!

OK, look. On three, we dump him over the ledge.

Wait. Shouldn't we at least check his wallet?

- For what? - Shit, he might have some money.

We already committed murder. We might as well rob his ass.

- Credit cards. - Jewellery.

- I'm gonna take his drawers. - [ALL SHOUT AT ONCE]

Hey, yo, get off! His drawers are mine! Yo!

- [CHUCKLING] I got me a gold ring. - Credit cards.

- All right, let's get him in the water. - I don't think I can, Greg.

- It's not too late. - Shut up, OK?

- Christ, already! I'll do it. - Just get him in the water.

OK? One, two...

three.

Right now we make a pact. We take this to our grave.

- Agreed? - Agreed.

- Agreed'? - [BRENDA, BOBBY] Agreed.

Say it, Cindy. Say it!

We take this to our grave - say it!

- Greg, chill. You're hurting her. - We take this to our grave.

Ow!

- And we never mention this again. - Mention what?

The guy we just killed!

- Well, you just mentioned it, Greg. - Starting now!

- Stupid bitch, man. - [WHISPERS] God, I hate him.

It's gonna be OK, baby. It's gonna be OK. I promise.

Just touch it again. Come on. Please?

You have to move on, Cindy. That's all behind us now.

Exactly. It's a coincidence.

Greg's right, Cindy. I mean, what do you think we're in, a horror movie?

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, you guys are right. If we were,

they'd probably cast some dingbat like Jennifer Love Huge Tits to play me.

Yeah, or they'd cast people in their late twenties, early thirties to play us.

[BELL RINGS]

Kenny, get the camera ready. Here, hold my gum.

- Hi. Sheriff, can I get a statement? - No comment.

Damn! Who do I have to screw around here to get a stupid story?

Hey! Hey, no running!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Loser.

- Slow it down! - [BOY] Blow me!

All right!

Hi. Gail Hailstorm - field reporter, Hard Story.

- Special Officer Doofy. - Hi, Doofy.

Doofy, listen. Is there a problem on campus?

- No comment. No comment. - OK. OK.

You know, you look awfully young to be a police officer.

- I'm 25 and a half years old. - Ooh!

- Yeah, that's this many. - Ah, so big!

Yeah. That's big.

Well, you don't look a day over 12.

Except for the big head and glazed-over look in your eyes.

- Ooh, was that drool? - Yeah. I forgot to swallow.

Don't worry, cos I never forget.

[FARTS]

- Remind me not to do that again. - Sorry.

[MAN OVER PA] Due to the recent tragedy, we will be questioning all students.

Sounds like we've got a serial killer on our hands.

I'm not supposed to say. It's official police business.

Hey, Doofy, what do you say you and I go inside my van over there

and get to know each other a little better? Would you like that?

- That van? - Yeah, that van right there.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. Yeah, OK, let's go.

Come on.

A terrible tragedy and an unbearable loss.

It's days like today that we need prayer in school.

It starts to unravel the very moral fabric of our society.

- Here you go, baby. - [SUCKING NOISE]

Go to your daddy.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES] I'll see you after class.

- Sweet! - All right!

OK, class, who would like to give their oral presentation first?

Oh!

- Yes! - Anybody else!

- [MOUTHS] - OK, Heather.

Yes!

- OK. Can I start? - Yeah.

OK, my presentation is on the First Amendment,

and it began on May 25th, 1787, in Philly with George Washington,

and it states, and I quote:

When our Founding Fathers argued the passage of our glorious...

[HEATHER CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]

[ROMANTIC MUSICAL INTERLUDE]

The First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want...

Oh, shut the fuck up!

- So... who's next? - [PUTTS BALL]

Uh, Cindy Campbell.

Isn't she the daughter of...? Well, you know...

- Oh, yeah, you know, Mrs... - Mrs...

[SHERIFF] Yeah, the one and only...

The one and only.

- [CLEARS THROAT] Why, hello, Cindy. - Hi, Principal Squiggman.

- Thanks, Doofy. - It's Special Officer Doofy today, Cind.

Now, the sheriff has some questions that he would like to ask you today.

- What is that... that god-awful smell? - I don't know.

I go poopie.

Did you just say that you, uh... you went poopie?

- Yeah. It was good. - [SHERIFF] Mm.

- Get him out of here. - Yes.

- Thank you, Doofy. - OK.

You should now go back to Special Ed.

- OK. Salute. - Maybe a change of underwear, son.

- Bye, Doofy. - Bye, Cind.

- How are you, Cindy? - Fine.

- How are you, Sheriff? - Bloated, constipated.

Got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut. You know, the usual.

Cindy, I want to ask you some questions about Drew Decker.

- I didn't really know her. - Come on, sure you did.

No. I mean, I didn't really know her.

I've been in this game a long time. Don't bullshit a bullshitter. Tell me about Drew.

What was she like in bed, Cindy?

Ha! Tried to get you.

It's an old police trick. You didn't fall for it. Good for you, kid.

Hike!

Pass! Pass!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS] - All right, shower up!

Yes!

Yo, Dugan, man. Nice play, yo. Word up.

Johnson! What a block, baby. Word up.

Woodward! Nice ass.

Damn!

Yo, Greg, what's up? You gonna hit the showers or what?

No, man. I think I'm gonna work out, beat the bag a little.

Suit yourself, kid. All right!

Last one in the shower's a rotten egg! Come on, y'all.

I'm gonna get y'all. [GIGGLING]

Don't let Uncle Ray catch you!

Who did this?! Huh?

Where are you?

This isn't funny, all right?

A small dick's like a disability, man!

Would you make fun of a guy in a wheelchair? Huh? Would you?

Come on out here, you sick fuck!

I'll kick the shit out of you right now!

All right?

It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at!

It's a shame how she died. She was such a nice girl.

She used to baby-sit my brother Doofy. He had the biggest crush on her.

Ray, you're a dead man!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Chill out. - You wanna get butt-naked and wrestle?

- Bring it on, Ray! - Hold my earrings. Where's my Vaseline?

- Take it easy. What's the problem? - I'll show you the problem.

Oh, wow! That's you?

They... they turned the hot water off in the showers, all right?

Laugh it up, you guys. Big laugh.

You know what? You can all go to hell!

Greg, you're not the only one who got one.

You mean Bobby's got a baby dick, too?

No, I was talking about the note.

I got one, too.

- Somebody knows. - That's bullshit, Cindy.

Someone's just trying to fuck with us.

We have to call the police, Greg.

You call the police, and I'll kill you myself.

- You're hurting her, man. - You know what? That goes for all of you.

That psycho wants a piece of me, bring it on!

But I'm not going to jail. You got that?

[CINDY GROANING]

[BONES CRUNCHING]

What's everybody talking about?

Just forget it, Shorty. You already know too much.

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Aren't they beautiful?

- Buffy! - Contestant number one!

Very good. And contestant number two.

Very good. And contestant number three.

[GREG] Buffy! That's my girl!

- That's my girlfriend! - Yeah, that's my girlfriend too!

- Hey, kiss my ass! - [BOY 2] Yeah, I'm hitting that too!

- All right, Buffy! - Hey, shut the hell up, man!

- [BOY 3] Yeah, best pussy I ever had! - What, you want a piece of me?

Now the talent portion of the competition.

Oh, you guys, I'm gonna go downstairs for a closer seat. See you after the show.

- Number three, Buffy Gilmore. - [APPLAUSE]

I'm gonna hit the head. Want anything?

No, I'm good, man. But hurry, she's gonna perform.

Don't worry, I'll be back.

Good evening, Buffy. And what will be your talent this evening?

Acting. I'll be doing a dramatic reading.

[BOY] Hear, hear!

Buffy Gilmore, doing a dramatic reading.

Hey, do that thing from Baywatch. She's running down the beach...

Look out, Greg! Look behind you!

It's him! It's the killer!

Huh?

Oh, my God! Somebody do something!

- Somebody do something! - [MURMURING]

He's killing him!

- He's killing him! - Must be an original piece.

He's killing him!

[SOBBING]

She's good. She's good.

- What's wrong with you people? - That's fantastic.

You fucking bastards! Why won't anyone help?

- Amazing. - [WOMAN] She's the next Pamela Lee.

Oh, God... Oh, God! No!

Greg, don't die!

[EMCEE] Give it up for Buffy Gilmore! Wonderful!

Absolutely fantastic!

I think we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen. Miss Buffy Gilmore!

Buffy, wait! You have to go back on stage.

- I have to get to Greg. - You won! They're calling your name.

There's a killer... I won?

- They're calling your name. Go. - What about Greg?

- Fuck Greg! I won! - Congratulations!

Out of my way, loser!

- Miss Buffy Gilmore! - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ Miss Teen, she's so fine ♪

♪ - Such lovely tits ♪ ♪ - Give me my crown, bitch. ♪

♪ And a great behind ♪

♪ There she is, ♪ ♪ doggy style any time ♪

♪ And I'll do her behind, ♪ ♪ behind and behind ♪

♪ Oh, there she is ♪

♪ - She loves 69... ♪ ♪ - Agh! ♪

- There's no sign of him anywhere. - He could've taken the body.

That's impossible. There's no blood, nothing. Look around.

I bet it's just Greg playing one of his dumb jokes.

He'll turn up, I'm sure of it. He's probably at my house waiting for us right now.

All right. But I'm gonna look around some more, so you mind riding home with Buffy?

- Yeah, no problem. - All right, fine.

Call me later.

[HUMMING]

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello. - [SINISTER VOICE] Hello, Cindy.

- Who is this? - [NORMAL] It's me, Bobby.

You know, your boyfriend.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little jumpy lately.

- Hey, any sign of Greg? - No.

- Do you want me to come by? - No.

I'm just gonna take a bath and then I'm gonna go to bed.

OK. I'd really like to see you, but... I love you.

Aw...

I love you too, baby.

[FARTS]

[SNIFFS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Bobby, I told you...

[man] I still know what you did last Halloween.

- Who is this? - [LINE GOES DEAD]

[PHONE RINGS]

- [SCREAMS] - [THUD]

- OW! Ow! - [PHONE STILL RINGING]

- Hello. - I'm gonna kill you.

- I'm gonna slice you up. - Who is this?

- I'm gonna chop you like liver. - What do you want?

I'm in the house. [sniggers]

- Do you know where I am? [sniggers] - [GASPS]

I could be anywhere.

I'm like the wind, baby.

Yeah...

Where am I?

[SNIGGERING]

Um...

You're... you're behind the couch.

[SNIGGERING STOPS]

What? How do you know that?

I can see your feet.

Ash...

OK, turn around.

Close your eyes. No peeking.

Yeah. No. No, no.

Hey, no peeking. Turn around.

Good.

OK, now you can look.

Now do you know where I am? You don't.

No, Mr Killer, I don't know where you are.

I'll give you a big clue.

[SCREAMS]

Oh! I gotta stop drinking.

- Grandma! - Hi, baby.

Oh, my hip!

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[DISPATCHER] White woman in trouble off the 744...

[SIRENS WAILING]

[TWIGS SNAPPING]

Are you OK? I heard screaming. What's going on?

- Bobby! He was here! - Shh...

- The killer was here, Bobby. - It's OK.

- I can explain that. - Oh, my God...

A friend gave 'em to me. Cindy... Cindy...

- [SCREAMS] - Cindy! Cindy!

Cindy! Cindy! Cindy!

It's me, Cind. Ugh!

Cindy, you know me! Cindy!

I know you've had a rough night, so I won't keep you.

I just want you to look at some photos, tell me what you think.

Uh-uh.

- No? - No.

- I'm sorry, Sheriff. - You're sure?

OK, you're free to go. Do you have somebody picking you up?

- Yeah. - Oh, just...

Just check that one out again.

- Mm, no. - No? Well, worth a shot. All right, thanks.

- Guess what I just did with those hookers. - No way.

All the way, man! Yes, yes. Watch this. Doofy!

- Yeah? - Come on. Come on.

OK.

Special Officer Doofy reporting.

Hey, Doofy, smell my fingers.

What's that?

That's when you know you've become a man, Doofy!

Hey, Terry, smell my finger.

- Ugh! What the hell is that? - My ass.

- Get the hell out of here, Doofy. - Doofy, Mom said get home now.

Tell Mom I'm on official police business.

- Cindy, are you OK? - Hey, hey, hey. No talking to the witness.

- Go get in the car. She's coming with us. - Does Mom know?

Yeah, Doofus.

Mom says when I wear this badge you should treat me like a man of the law.

Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner.

[GENERAL AMUSEMENT]

OK, three, two...

- [KENNY] Oh, no... Gosh damn... - What now?

- There's all these numbers... - Can't you count?

- I can count, but... - Let me make it easy for you. Listen up.

This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home.

Now, if this little piggy doesn't roll the god damn camera...

We're live, Gail.

Gail Hailstorm at the police station, where I'll try to get a glimpse of Cindy Campbell,

the young girl who was attacked earlier this evening...

- You're on my foot, fat shit! What'd I say? - Don't ever step on Gail's shoes.

- Why not? - Cos Gail wears Prada shoes.

- You idiot. - I'm a bad man.

[REPORTERS] Cindy! Cindy, can we get a statement?

Buffy Gilmore, Miss Teen. She's not talking.

Is it true the police have someone in custody?

- Come on, Cindy. - Cindy, your ass looks fat!

Bitch!

- Nice shot! - Come on.

- All right, who copped a feel? - Gail, it was me.

- Oh, my God. - It was an accident, Gail.

I only touched the top of the breast.

- It was so tender and juicy... - Shut up!

[DIAL TONE]

[PHONE RINGS]

- Yo. - Hello, Shorty. What are you doing?

Nothing. Sitting here watching the game, smoking some bud.

Are you all alone?

- Wassup! - Wassup!

What the...? Who's that?

Yo, pick up the phone.

- Wassup! - Wassup!

[ALL YELL]

Yo, Dookie, pick up the phone!

- Yo. - Wassup!

[ALL YELL]

- What you doing, son? - Nothing... Just chilling... killing...

True. True.

So you think Bobby did it?

I don't know. But he was there, Buffy.

I knew there had to be something. He's just too perfect.

Handsome, smart, good in bed...

- What did you say? - Uh...

Hey, Cind. Got you an ice pack for your hand.

Ow!

Sorry.

I'll get you one for your head.

No, no, that's OK, Doofy.

Hey, we're gonna get that guy you dumped in the water. Yeah.

I'll be next door if you need me.

Night, Cind.

Buffy, you told him?

The moron overheard a conversation Greg and I were having.

- Yeah, but what if he says something? - Who'd believe a retarded retard like him?

Cindy, telephone.

Thank you.

Hello?

- [SINISTER VOICE] Hello, Cindy. - [GASPS]

- Guess what. - No!

- You got the wrong guy. - No!

- Doofy! - It's not Bobby.

- Who is this? - [line goes dead]

- Doofy! - Oh, my God...

Hello?

Hello?

I said don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room!

I heard Bobby got out this morning.

I haven't seen him around. Is he pissed?

You mean since you branded him the Candy Man? No. His heart is broken.

Yo, son. It's like I seen this all before.

- They had a killer at your old high school? - No, it was in this movie Scream.

- Same dialogue and everything. This is ill. - How did it end?

I don't know. Some niggas started shooting up in the movie theatre, so we broke out.

- No doubt. - OK, I say we all just stick together.

Tonight everyone meet at my house.

And bring some friends. But don't tell everyone. Keep it quiet.

OK.

Yo! Party at Cindy's house! Drunk white women for everybody!

[CHEERING]

Ray, if you see Bobby, tell him I love him.

OK. If I see Bobby, I'll tell him I love him.

- Jesus! - It's OK. It's all right. It's just me, baby.

- You don't still think it's me, do you? - No. But somebody did try to kill me.

- And the police said I scared him away. - I know. He called me last night.

So it couldn't have been me. I was in jail last night, remember?

You're the best.

I'm sorry. Please understand.

What, that you'd rather call me a killer than touch me?

- That's not true. - Then what is it?

What is it? She's gone and she's not coming back!

It's been over a year, Cindy.

But Ginger was such an important part of the Spice Girls.

You gotta move on, baby.

I'm sorry if my complicated life

is an inconvenience to your perfect existence.

Cindy...

Cind...

[SHERIFF] OK, everybody, listen up.

Let me just say, uh, the killing of these teenagers has been tragic,

but, uh... hey, you know, shit happens.

[ALL] Sheriff? Sheriff?

- Sheriff? - Yes, Miss Thunderstorm.

- Have they found Cindy's father? - No.

- Isn't he a suspect? - That's classified. Where did you get that?

I'm sorry, but my sources are strictly confidential, Sheriff.

Hey, Gail.

Gail swallows.

Watch this.

Hello?

[ALARMED] Who is this?

What? You wanna kill me?!

Oh, God... Hold on.

- Cindy, it's for you. - [LAUGHTER]

All right, knock it off, Buffy.

As you'll all have heard, there is a killer in town

and the police have asked us to give you the following safety tips.

Stay in well-lit areas.

Do not travel alone whenever possible.

Always wipe front to back.

And remember, never, ever believe someone

when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair will rid you of crab infestation.

Now, I understand this is a difficult time for you young ladies.

So if anyone needs to come to my office to talk, I am here for you.

- What a crock of shit. - It's not, Buffy! He's real!

[LAUGHTER]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Miss Mann?

Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra if you'd like.

No, thanks.

What can I do for you, Cindy?

I need to talk.

See, I have this problem and I don't know who to tell.

- Not feeling so fresh? - Huh?

Feminine odour and itching got you down?

Uh, no. No, not that.

Then what is it?

I have a terrible secret.

Well, Cindy, we all have our little secrets.

Sometimes we do things we're not so proud of.

Some for money,

others to gain the athletic edge on the competition.

Sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us.

Agh!

- Do you know what I mean? - Yes, I do, Miss Mann.

Thanks for ball... I mean all your help.

I have to go to class.

Any time, dear.

- Buffy, are you coming? - I'll catch up with you guys in a sec.

[MAN WHISPERING] Red rum.

Hello?

Is somebody there?

Hello?

Agh!

Very funny. Who put you up to this? Cindy?

Lose the cape - it's way too '90s horror.

Oh, so what movie is this from? Die, Cheerleader, Die?

Wanna play psycho killer? Can I be the helpless cheerleader?

Oh, so is this where I'm supposed to beg for my life?

Please, Mr Killer, don't kill me.

[BUFFY GRUNTS]

So is this where I'm supposed to bleed?

Oh, look, I'm bleeding!

Eek! Eek!

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to run, right?

OK. I'm running! I'm running! Help!

Help! Now I'm gonna fall and break my leg, leaving me helpless.

- [CRACK] - Agh!

There you go, Mr Scary Killer. I'm panicking now.

Oh, God! Somebody please help me!

Oh, God, no!

No!

Oh, now what?

I guess this is the big climax. Hope you don't mind if I fake it.

Aaaaghhhh!

[SILENCE]

Oh, look at me. I'm all dead. I'm a gross, scary severed head.

Come on. Please!

Do you know who I am? I'm Miss Teen. You're really giving me a headache.

And you got blood on my Gucci sweater. I hope you're gonna pay for that.

Agh! I will not be ignored by the likes...

I'm gonna jump!

- Phil, get back in there. - No!

- What are you doing up there? - Be reasonable.

I can't take this fucking job or those greasy shithead teenagers any more!

- I'm gonna end it all! - Wait! Hold on! We're getting help for you!

We know Bobby's not the killer. So who is?

I don't know.

If the killer was in your house, why didn't he kill you then?

Because he's just messing with us.

Don't you see? He's got us right where he wants us.

We can't go to the police. He's just out there watching us and waiting for us.

What are you waiting for, huh?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?!

What am I waiting for? What am I waiting for?!

- What are you waiting for? - Fuck you!

[ONLOOKERS GASP]

[WOMAN] Oh, my God'.!

Ray, I still don't think this party is a good idea.

- I won't let nothing happen to you. - I just don't feel right.

- Why can't we just do something else? - OK, how about we go to the movies?

Huh? You like that? See a little movie, huh?

[HIP-HOP PLAYS ON RADIO]

Hey! That is my song! You know they gave me a shout-out on the album, right?

- What? - Yes!

♪ Everywhere I go ♪ ♪ I see the same 'ho... ♪

Ooh, Brenda.

Did I tell you how sexy you look in my jersey?

- I do, Ray? - Yes.

I like it. Hey, get up. Go over there. Let me see it.

[GIGGLING]

Ooh!

Yes, I like that.

- You like that? You like that? - Yeah!

Hey, put this on with it.

- Ray, you are so freaky. - That's right. You know I'm freaky, girl.

Go on. Pull it up.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ahh!

- Aah! - Yeah.

Here. Put this on with it.

Go on.

- Are you sure? - Go on, girl. Go on. Pull it on.

- OK. - Go on.

- I like that look. - Ooh! I'm bad.

Yes. Here, put this on with it.

Go on, girl. Put it on.

Yeah. Put that shit on there. Come on. Just shove it on.

Do it. Yeah.

Ooh, so fucking sexy.

Come here, girl. Bring your little sexy ass over here. Come on! Full speed. Charge!

[GROWLS]

Yes! Yes! Come on! Turn around! Turn around! Come on!

Yes, Brendan! Take it, Brendan! Take it, Brendan!

- Who? - Uh... Brenda.

Come on, put the helmet on. No, let's role-play. Come on. You get me.

Come on! Come on!

I'm here at Lovers' Lookout. It's dark, it's in the middle of nowhere,

and it's where hormone-driven teens love to come and fool around.

So very likely we're about to see someone get killed.

OK, sure enough, there's a girl in that car, blouse unbuttoned, all alone.

Let's see if she'll have a word with us.

Hi. Gail Hailstorm, author of the new book You're Next.

Oh, yeah.

- Can you tell us your name? - My name's Heather.

Can you tell us what you're doing out here all alone?

Well, yeah, sure. My boyfriend and I were just, like, making out,

then we heard a noise so he went to go check it, but...

- Well, that was, like, ten minutes ago. - Yeah, yeah...

Has it crossed your little mind that your boyfriend was probably murdered

and you're about to be slaughtered next?

- Really? No way! - Way.

- Heather, good luck. - Thanks, Gail. You're the best.

[SCREAMING]

Just as I thought! The murder is happening as we speak!

I'll try and break into the bloodshed. Are you getting this?

Excuse me. Heather, can you tell us what you're feeling, honey?

Lots of pain. Gail, please help me! Gail, please!

I'd like to help you out, kid, but it's sweeps. Sir, sir, can I get a word with you?

You got a nerve coming here! I'm just trying to do my job!

- Get the camera off me! - No, Kenny, keep rolling!

I'm gonna slice your head off and shove it up his ass. Get that camera off me!

Oh, my God, Kenny! Kenny, move your fat ass!

Kenny! Oh, God, he's right behind you!

[KENNY] This man is chasing Miss Gail!

- [KENNY GRUNTS] - [THUD]

I am so scared right now.

I just want to say...

to the family of my cameraman, Kenny...

I am so sorry.

This was my interview,

my story.

It's all my fault.

- You want some popcorn? - Uh-uh.

I brought me a little snack of my own.

[PAPER RUSTLING]

- You want some chicken? - Nah.

Mm-hm.

For all y'all talkers up in here, it's time to keep it down right now.

Shh.

Shh back at you. Shh!

Why they acting already? It ain't nothing but the previews.

The largest ship the world had ever known.

Its 400 passengers and crew on a maiden voyage to a brave new world.

A journey that would change their lives forever.

Whoo!

I'm the king of the world!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Aaargh!

- Amistad II. - Get your ass back down there, boy!

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom. - The movie about to come on.

I gotta go to the bathroom. Here. Take your hot sauce.

[BRENDA] Hurry up, man. Don't be long.

[SCREECHING] Back up! Let him through!

You can move back some. You don't own the theatre.

[CHATTERING]

- [BELL RINGS] - [ANNOUNCER] And they're off!

No.3 in the lead. No.2 close behind.

And No.3 is the winner!

- [CHEERING] - Yeah, partner!

No.2 has placed, and No.4 to show.

Next week's Triple Crown starts at 2:30.

[TRICKLING]

[HIGH-PITCHED COOING]

[COOING CONTINUES]

[GIGGLES]

Hey, who was that?

Go ahead, do it again. Do it again.

[SQUELCH]

[ACTRESS] Anon.

[BRENDA] Nn. Nn-nn. Nn-nnn!

Don't go in there!

[YELLS]

[SCREAMS]

[HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER]

Lord, I'm gonna have a heart attack! Damn, this is some scary shit!

Oh, I am scared! Oh!

Excuse me!

I think I paid my money like everybody else up in here.

- Out of her favour... - That ain't no man.

- You can see her real hair right there! - Do you mind?

I know you better get outta my face!

Outta my face! Outta my face!

This is all me up in here. You handle that.

- [MAN] Will you shut the fuck up?! - [WOMAN] Yeah!

Mm-mm.

This movie is good.

Hey, baby. You came back just in time.

She's about to get it on with Shakespeare.

- He found out she's a girl. - Shut up.

Yeah, I got you. I got you on camera.

You on Candid Camera now.

You ain't know that.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS] - [AUDIENCE GROANS]

Hello?

Hey, girl. Uh-uh. I'm in a movie. Shakespeare in Love.

Uh-uh. Ooh!

- You in! - For Christ's sake, just shut your trap!

- Shut up! - Hold on.

I don't know why y'all is actin' like this.

My girlfriend said they don't even stay together in the end.

Give me that.

Right on.

Will you sit down?!

[GROANS]

Shut up!

Your ass is grass.

- This is for Thelma! - And Louise!

This is for talking through The Fugitive!

- You ruined Schindler's List! - All Jackie Chan movies!

- Boogie Nights. - And Big Momma's House!

[AUDIENCE JEERING]

Aaaghh!

[APPLAUSE]

[SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE CONTINUES]

♪ [HEAVY ROCK] ♪

Um, you guys, there's a few too many people.

Oh, honey, please don't throw up. No, hey, you guys, stop.

Hey! Hey, please! That's my dad's!

- No, don't touch... Agh! No! - Do you have more beer?

Um, yeah. Uh, check in the garage.

- No, no, no, no! No! - [CRASHING]

[CLATTER]

Oh! Kitty, you scared me.

- [CLANGING] - Oh!

[WHINNYING]

Horsey! Oh, you scared me too.

Hello?

Who's there?

[GASPS]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Please don't.

Please! I'm just a day player.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, my God!

[SQUEALS]

[SCREAMS]

[GROUP] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

- [SCREAMS] - [HOWLING]

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, Bobby! Bobby.

I was worried about you.

I thought the killer got to you before I could.

Could what?

I wanna go upstairs. There's something I wanna show you.

- Yeah, yeah. - [CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.

- Hey. cam on. - [ALL WHOOP]

- So... - So... [GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]

Here we are... again.

Yeah.

And, you know, if you're not ready...

I'll understand.

Bobby.

I am ready.

- You are? - Yeah.

I can't keep fighting these urges.

I have to just give in to them

and let them flow.

Right.

- Bobby? - Huh?

I have been so selfish.

This is like a scene from a movie or something.

Only it isn't a movie, Bobby.

This is real life.

It's all a movie, baby.

There's the sound guy, the script supervisor. How you doing, baby?

- Bobby! - What?

What I mean...

is that in real life you have to enjoy each moment.

Mm-hm.

Mmm! Oh!

Ow! Ow!

- [MUMBLES] Bobby. Bobby'. - [MURMURS INDISTINCTLY]

Can I tell you a secret?

Sure, man.

I see dead people.

Man, this shit is awesome!

Yo, son, we gotta roll some more of that shit!

Ah, Shit!

We don't have any more papers, man.

Don't have any more papers.

Oh, man! What can we use to make a bong?

[LIQUID FIZZING]

Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!

Yeah!

Oh, shit, son!

Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! To...

- This is some good shit! - [SHOUTING WHOOPING]

[BOTH STRAINING]

Bobby! I've never done this before.

It's OK. It's OK. It's just like...

- It's like sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop. - A Tootsie Pop?

Yeah, a cherry-flavour one.

- Oh. - With the fudge in the middle?

- [MAKES SUCKING SOUND] - OK!

♪ Show me how ♪

♪ How it feels when we're together... ♪

Just like that.

Just like that, baby.

- [CRUNCH] - Argh!

Oh! Jesus!

I never could wait to get to the chewy middle.

You know what? Let me.

God damn!

♪ I'm on a rocket ship to a mother ship ♪

♪ I'm flying solo, ♪ ♪ but don't know if I can stop ♪

♪ Don't ask me why, ♪ ♪ don't make me He ♪

♪ Just get back, just sit back ♪

♪ Enjoy the ride ♪

♪ Cos I'm a spaceman ♪

[BATS SQUEAKING]

Yeah! Guess it's been a while. [GIGGLES]

♪ So stay with me... ♪

Oh! Oops!

It's very '70s of you.

♪ Tomorrow's just another day ♪

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Bobby!

[GAGGING]

Come here, Bobby. I want it now!

- Oh, man, am I fucking stoned! - Yeah, me too.

Hey-Hey, you guys hear that?

[MIMICS ELECTRONIC SOUND THAT HERALDS KILLER'S APPEARANCE]

- [LAUGHS] - Oh!

[ALL LAUGH]

Shh! Shh!

- [RINGING TONE] - [GIRL] Hello?

Hello. What's your favourite scary movie?

[ALL BURST INTO LAUGHTER]

Let me talk to her. Shh!

I'm gonna gut you like a pig!

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

What's my name, Bobby?

What?

- What's my name, bitch? - Ow! God! It's Cindy!

Whose is it, Bobby? Whose is it, Bobby?

It's yours.

[GROWLS MANIACALLY]

- [ROARS] - Oh, my God!

[RUMBLING]

Oh, shit!

♪ [raps] Don't even contest ♪ ♪ cos I'll make you undress ♪

♪ Like porn dancers ♪ ♪ waiting at the front door for an answer ♪

♪ Hey, yo, I'm sick of artificial MCs ♪ ♪ like silicone titties ♪

Hey, yo, check it, yo.

♪ Fuck a cheap bong, ♪ ♪ I wanna smoke Cheech and Chong ♪

♪ If I wanna fuck long, I let my ding-a-long ♪ ♪ hit the bong, and then it's on ♪

♪ Always pass the dutchie to the left ♪ ♪ because the right way is wrong [cackles] ♪

- Whoo-hoo! - I got one. I got one. Here it goes. Ready?

♪ I'm gonna slash and gash, ♪ ♪ out another hole in your ass ♪

♪ I spill blood on the walls, ♪ ♪ then play tennis with your balls ♪

♪ If the phone rings, ♪ ♪ don't answer that call ♪

♪ Gonna slit your throat, ♪ ♪ fuck you like a goat ♪

♪ Peel your foreskin off ♪ ♪ and make a winter coat ♪

Peace!

Yo!

That was the illest rhyme I ever seen, son!

Bobby?

- Where were you tonight? - What?

I was just curious. What took you so long to get here?

Why are you so curious?

I don't know.

I thought it would fit the '90s horror cliché if you turned out to be the killer.

Oh, so, what? You think I killed Buffy and Greg?

Buffy and Greg are dead?

- I thought you knew that. - Oh, God!

Bobby, turn around! It's the killer!

Agh!

[CINDY SHRIEKS]

- Cindy! - [GASPS]

- Oh, my God! Bobby! Bobby! - Cindy. Help me.

- Bobby, it's OK. - Give me the gun. Give me the gun...

It's gonna be OK, Bobby.

Yo, wait for me. There's a killer in the house!

There's ass, blood and guts everywhere. Someone done gone crazy, son!

[EVIL CHUCKLE]

We all go a little crazy sometimes.

Bobby, no!

Oh, shit, son!

Oh! Oh, my God!

[GROANS]

Cindy, he shot me in the lungs.

[INHALES]

You wanna hit this shit?

Ketchup.

Just like my mom puts on her spaghetti, baby.

Oh, my God! Ray, you've gotta help me! Bobby's gone crazy!

- [girl's voice] Surprise! - [FEEDBACK]

- [KILLER'S VOICE] Surprise, Cindy. - [GASPS]

Why are you doing this, Bobby?

Why? Why?!

You hear that, Ray? I think she wants a motive.

- Did Scream have a plot? - No!

Did I Know What You Did Last Summer make any sense? Don't think so!

And the sequel? What was with that fat Jamaican?

- I wanna kill that mother fucker. - It was bad casting, Bobby.

How about this for a motive? Lack of sex!

It can cause serious deviant behaviour.

- I thought you loved me. - Oh, I did, baby. I did.

But abstinence makes you discover new things about yourself.

That's right, Cindy. I'm gay.

And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.

What? I ain't gay.

- What? You took me to that club. - So? They play good music.

- What about our trip to San Francisco? - I wanted to go shopping.

- But you made love to me. - No. First of all, you sucked my...

Whatever, Ray! I don't wanna talk about this now. The point is, I'm a new man.

I'm ready to leave this behind and start a new life.

- So you killed all your friends? - Oh, no.

Just you.

And maybe Shorty, but that wasn't planned.

But here's the genius part.

We're copycatting a serial killer that already exists.

- It's the perfect crime, Cindy. - But wait! There's more!

Hang on to your seat, baby, cos this one's a Screamer!

- I'll be back. - Uh-oh.

Move your big ass. Come on.

- Dad. - [GRUNTS]

What are you gonna do, frame him?

Nah. We're just having a little bit of fun with old daddio.

The police are gonna find you and Daddy both dead,

and me and Ray are the only survivors of a maniac's revenge.

- Ready? - Ready?

- I'm ready to do this shit. - Let's do this shit.

- Come on. Come on. All right. - All right. Give it to me.

No! Wait, wait, wait.

- All right, ready? Let's do this. - Wait, wait. Ready.

- Come on. Come on. - Ready.

- Give it to me! - No! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Remember what we said? - How many times we gonna go over this?

I know. OK. Stop. Just... Trust me, OK?

- I got this shit. Ready? - Come on.

- Wait, wait! - I'm about to out your throat, boy!

Stop acting like a little girl. Come on!

- You're right. - Come on! You ready?

No! You guys are psychos!

You've seen one too many TV shows!

No! Watching television shows doesn't create psycho killers.

Cancelling TV shows does!

The Wayans Bros was a good show, man!

It was a good-ass show, and we didn't even get a final episode!

Take it easy. I'm feeling a little woozy here.

It's my turn. Give me the knife.

Fuck outta here. Ain't nobody stabbing me.

Oh!

- [CINDY SCREAMS] - [BOTH GROAN]

- Surprise, Cindy. - Agh!

Yah!

[GROWLING]

Agh!

Ohm

[GROANS]

[SHRIEKS]

Yah!

[GROANS]

All right, all right, all right. Hold on a second.

Just give me a moment. Agh. One...

[GRUNTS AND SIGHS]

- [BONES CRACKING] - Oh, yeah. That's it.

Agh. OK.

Yah!

♪ [IRISH JIG] ♪

- [CRIES OUT] - Dad!

- [MUMBLES] - Are you OK'?

I thought I told you not to have a party unless I was here.

But, Dad, you were here. You were in the closet.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Did you get some girlfriends' numbers for me?

- Dad, they're dead. - Ah, you know, I can't get a break.

- [SIREN] - What's that? Is that the cops?

OK, OK, listen, honey. Help me up now.

Uh, if the cops come, tell 'em I'm a plumber, OK?

You had a leaky faucet and they sent me over. We don't even know each other.

- No! No! - [TYRES SCREECHING]

[WHISPERS] Dad, get your arms down.

- What's going on? - [MAN] Sheriff, it's a bloodbath.

- He was right here! I swear it! - Who was?

The killer! The guy that murdered all my friends!

And the sick bastard planted drugs all in the house there.

- All over the place. - Dad. Stop it.

Cindy, I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.

I'm cool, though, right? I'm OK?

- Let's go, Cindy. - Cindy...

Call me. Call me.

Daddy'|| get you out, honey.

OK.

Let's go over this again.

- You say it was an accident. - Yes. He was on the road.

- And he came back to get revenge? - It has to be him, Sheriff.

[CRASH]

- Here. They wanted me to give this to you. - That'll be all, Doofy.

- OK. I'm gonna go, then. - All right.

All right.

Night, Cind.

Sorry, Cindy. It wasn't the man you guys killed.

He was David Keegan. Some fishermen found his body a few weeks later.

- He's buried in Lakewood Cemetery. - That's impossible.

- Then I don't know who it could be. - He's gotta be connected with the victims.

Someone who knew about the accident, who'd move round without being noticed.

Oh, my God.

She used to baby-sit my brother Doofy. He had the biggest crush on her.

Agh! It's me, Cind.

Night, Cind.

- Doofy! - Shithead?

- Have you seen Doofy? - No.

- You seen Doofy? - No, Sheriff.

- Has anybody seen Doofy? - Yeah. He just went out the back, Sheriff.

[SHERIFF] Doom!

♪ [TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL ♪ ♪ BY FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE] ♪

♪ He walks alone ♪ ♪ under the big city lights ♪

♪ He always knows ♪ ♪ just when the time is right ♪

♪ He never shows what he's thinking, ♪ ♪ he keeps it inside ♪

♪ Because he's too cool for school ♪

♪ He comes alive ♪ ♪ when the sun goes down ♪

♪ He gets it right, ♪ ♪ you know he's always down ♪

♪ He's got one eye open ♪ ♪ and his ear to the ground ♪

♪ And he's too cool for school ♪

♪ He's an operator, ♪ ♪ he's a real player ♪

♪ And if you mess with him you know... ♪

[GASPS]

No-o-o-o-0!

[CACKLES] Shit, son. Yo, what the deal?

Yo, if y'all watching this tape right now, that means I didn't make it.

Either I'm a prisoner, or worse, dead.

But either way it goes, I'm gonna tell y'all the rules to survive this situation.

Rule number one: you gotta be quick.

Rule number two: don't fall down.

And rule number three: whatever you do, never look back.

Y'all wish me luck.

Snatch and run, y'all!

Come back here, mother fuckers! Son of a bitch!

♪ Y'all want drama? ♪ ♪ Wanna make a scary movie? ♪

♪ Rappers comm' in with they team ♪ ♪ and carry toolies ♪

♪ You can jump right out of the screen ♪ ♪ and barely move me ♪

♪ We hard-hitting, ♪ ♪ directing and starring in it ♪

♪ Y'all want drama? ♪ ♪ Wanna make a scary movie? ♪

♪ Rappers comm' in with they team ♪ ♪ and carry toolies ♪

♪ You can jump right out of the screen ♪ ♪ and barely move me ♪

♪ We hard-hitting, ♪ ♪ directing and starring in it ♪

♪ Bad ♪

♪ The bad ♪

♪ The evil ♪

♪ Put 'em together ♪

♪ Two times ♪

♪ Slim Shady ♪

♪ Royce Da 5'9... ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, ♪ ♪ I'm gonna slash and gash ♪

♪ Cut another hole in yo' ass, spill blood ♪ ♪ on the walls and play tennis with yo' balls ♪

♪ If the phone rings, ♪ ♪ don't answer the call ♪

♪ I'm gonna slit your throat, ♪ ♪ fuck you like a goat ♪

♪ Peel your foreskin off ♪ ♪ and make a winter coat ♪

♪ I'm a deadly surprise, ♪ ♪ I scoop out both of your eyes ♪

♪ Scrape the meat off your thighs, ♪ ♪ leave your carcass for flies ♪

♪ Cos everyone who meets up with me ♪ ♪ in the end eventually dies ♪

♪ I'm the last thing you see, ♪ ♪ I hang you from a tree ♪

♪ Scare the shit out of you, ♪ ♪ then watch you pee ♪

♪ I'm the bad-ass killer, ♪ ♪ there ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead ♪ ♪ because I'm the fucking killer ♪

♪ I'm the bad ass killer, ♪ ♪ there ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead ♪ ♪ because I'm the fucking killer ♪

♪ I'm gonna slice and dice ♪ ♪ cos murder's my vice ♪

♪ Stab you once, twice, ♪ ♪ maybe even thrice ♪

♪ Carve initials in your liver, ♪ ♪ make you quiver, deliver ♪

♪ Yeah, that'd be nice ♪

♪ I dissect your heart, ♪ ♪ rip your entrails apart ♪

♪ Hack off your head, ♪ ♪ and that's just the start ♪

♪ I put the scary, scary movie, ♪ ♪ make people do a doobie ♪

♪ Make 'em pee-pee up the place ♪ ♪ when they see my ghostly face ♪

♪ You better keep alert ♪ ♪ or you'll be sniffing in the dirt ♪

♪ I got a PhD ♪ ♪ in how to use my cutlery ♪

♪ I make ya kneel and squeal ♪ ♪ or I turn you to a peel ♪

♪ You'll be squirting in yo' shorts ♪ ♪ and then spurting crimson quarts ♪

♪ I chop you, virgin people, ♪ ♪ with my shiny butcher's cleaver ♪

♪ Leave yo' cries in fear, ♪ ♪ it's music to my ears ♪

♪ I cut off Oscar Mayer's wiener, ♪ ♪ I stick it in a bun ♪

♪ Slap on some pickle relish ♪ ♪ and then we have some fun ♪

♪ I'm the bad-ass killer, ♪ ♪ there ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead ♪ ♪ because I'm the fucking killer ♪

♪ I'm the bad-ass killer, ♪ ♪ there ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead ♪ ♪ because I'm the fucking killer ♪

♪ I'm gonna clean your gut, ♪ ♪ treat you like a slut ♪

♪ Mutilate your organs ♪ ♪ and shove 'em up your butt ♪

♪ I'll slit you ear to ear, you know what? ♪ ♪ Then I'll slam a beer ♪

♪ Saw off your toes, ♪ ♪ jam 'em in your nose ♪

♪ Cut your tongue out, ♪ ♪ feed it to a trout ♪

♪ Fry it in a pan, ♪ ♪ shoot it out my can ♪

♪ Aim it at your face, ♪ ♪ then you'll know your place ♪

♪ I promise you pain, ♪ ♪ I'm totally insane ♪

♪ And let me tell you once again ♪

♪ I'm the bad-ass killer, ♪ ♪ there ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead ♪ ♪ because I'm the fucking killer ♪

♪ I'm the bad-ass killer, ♪ ♪ there ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead ♪ ♪ because I'm the fucking killer ♪

♪ I promise you pain, ♪ ♪ I'm totally insane ♪

[MAN] Help! Help!

♪ I promise you pain, ♪ ♪ I'm totally insane ♪

♪ I promise you pain ♪

[MAN] Run, bitch! Run!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

♪ Like my scrotum, ♪ ♪ here it is in a nutshell ♪

[CACKLING]

♪ One thousand, nine hundred ♪ ♪ and seventy-two ♪

♪ That's the year I got here ♪ ♪ when my dear mother's water blew ♪

♪ Not really realising the prize ♪ ♪ that's been begot to her ♪

♪ The bona fide lo-fi ♪ ♪ high-octane philosopher ♪

♪ Genius with a penis, ♪ ♪ the few, the proud, the me ♪

♪ I liked me so much ♪ ♪ I had to buy the company ♪

♪ Soul for sale, sold to Satan ♪ ♪ for a hell of a lotta luck ♪

♪ I'm hard to come by ♪ ♪ like a straight guy working at Starbucks ♪

♪ Thank the thinkers that think they thunk ♪ ♪ the thoughts that theorised ♪

♪ Idolised or despised, ♪ ♪ bet I'm getting recognised ♪

♪ Mount Rushmore it? No, ignore it, ♪ ♪ can't rock with no big head ♪

♪ Half of the people want me, ♪ ♪ half of the people want me dead ♪

♪ I am the Angel of Death ♪ ♪ with my rhymes against humanity ♪

♪ Teeter-tottering ♪ ♪ between brilliance and insanity ♪

♪ The one part the Fuhrer, ♪ ♪ the one part the Pope ♪

♪ It's the inevitable return, baby, ♪ ♪ of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ Conclusions you drew, ♪ ♪ proportions you blew ♪

♪ Lost son of Iggy Pop? ♪ ♪ Bigger nose than Ziggy? True ♪

♪ Yes, my name is Jimmy Pop. ♪ ♪ No, my pop's name is Dick ♪

♪ Don't admit to kick it slick, ♪ ♪ you thick derelict critic ♪

♪ Put down for missed notes, ♪ ♪ put up with misquotes ♪

♪ Don't want the whole story? ♪ ♪ Should have bought the Cliffs Notes ♪

♪ Like Finger Painting 101, ♪ ♪ give me no credit for having class ♪

♪ One thumb on the pulse of the nation, ♪ ♪ one thumb in your girlfriend's ass ♪

♪ Written on, written off, ♪ ♪ scoff calling me a joke ♪

♪ I don't think I'm a sell-out, ♪ ♪ but I do enjoy Coke ♪

♪ I struck gold but never took it for granted, ♪ ♪ that's how I planned it, so can it ♪

♪ Around the planet fans demand it ♪ ♪ and you'll never understand it ♪

♪ When I die, no lie, ♪ ♪ plan on mass pandemonium ♪

♪ They may display my brain ♪ ♪ in a pickle jar at the Smithsonian ♪

♪ The one part the Fuhrer, ♪ ♪ the one part the Pope ♪

♪ It's the inevitable return, baby, ♪ ♪ of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ One part the Fuhrer, ♪ ♪ one part the Pope ♪

♪ The inevitable return ♪ ♪ of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ One part the Fuhrer, ♪ ♪ one part the Pope ♪

♪ The inevitable return of ♪ ♪ the Great White Dope ♪

♪ One part the Fuhrer, ♪ ♪ one part the Pope ♪

♪ The inevitable return ♪ ♪ of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ One part the Fuhrer, ♪ ♪ one part the Pope ♪

♪ The inevitable return ♪ ♪ of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ Great White Dope, Great White Dope, ♪ ♪ Great White Dope, Great White Dope... ♪

♪ [FEEL ME BY RAH DIGGA, ♪ ♪ RAMPAGE AND ROCK] ♪

This isn't easy for me.

I know we've been together a long time, but I've found somebody else, OK?

I'm in love.

Don't look at me like that.

We can still be friends.

You can come into my room whenever you want.

We just can't...

No.

No!

OK, just one time.

[MACHINE WHIRS]

Yeah! That's it!

Whoo!

[GURGLING]

[MOAN OF ECSTASY]