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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Ladies and gentlemen, please
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welcome Tom Green!
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[cheers and applause]
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[Limp Bizkit's Shotgun]
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[Limp Bizkit's Shotgun]
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♪
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♪ What you gonna do ♪
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♪ When you're sittin' ♪
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♪ All alone ♪
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♪ In your empty-ass home ♪
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♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪
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♪ Sawed-off? ♪
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♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪
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♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪
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♪ Off the rock ship ♪
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♪ My nose is runnin' like me ♪
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♪ From the police ♪
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♪ It's been three weeks ♪
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What's up, Boston?
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Great to be here.
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This is referred to as
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the intellectual capital of
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the U.S. because of all
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the colleges and universities.
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So for all the smart people here
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tonight, let's get wasted,
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right?
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[cheers and applause]
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Uh, this is cool, man.
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I'm excited.
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I live in Los Angeles.
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I started my show in Canada at
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a public access station.
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It got picked up by MTV.
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Now I do a web TV show in my
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living room, so my career's
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living room, so my career's
going pretty well.
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Going pretty well.
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I was on
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The Celebrity Apprentice with
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Donald Trump.
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I got fired.
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Got fired in the third episode.
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Donald Trump was mad at me.
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Was mad at me 'cause I went out
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was mad at me 'cause I went out
drinking with Dennis Rodman...
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drinking with Dennis Rodman...
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on the night I was the "project
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manager," whoa, oh.
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That's a no-no.
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Donald Trump takes that project
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manager shit fucking seriously,
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sir.
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But think about it.
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You're in New York City.
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A 7-foot-tall cross-dressing
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basketball champion asks you out
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on a date.
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You say yes.
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It's Dennis Rodman.
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The guy's a legend.
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He's probably going to pick you
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up, take you out for a steak
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dinner.
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You head out for a night on
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the town.
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You have some cranberry vodkas.
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At the end of the evening, you
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head back to the hotel.
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If you're lucky, he doesn't have
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sex with you.
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I did not get lucky.
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Uh...
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He was gentle.
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I been doing this goofy stuff
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a long time, but I've never done
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a stand-up comedy special
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before.
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I'm so excited to be here.
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I'm getting older.
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You know, as you get older, you
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start to freak out.
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You start to think about things
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a little bit more.
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You want to talk about it.
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Y-you worry about things.
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I worry about my life.
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I worry about the thing... the way
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things were when I was younger.
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It was... it seems like it was
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better before.
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It was better before.
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When I was a kid, they didn't
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have the internet.
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They didn't have sus... they
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didn't have the video games.
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They didn't have the...
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the computers.
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They didn't have the ATM
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machines.
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They didn't have microwave
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ovens.
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They didn't have Starbucks.
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They didn't have Walmart.
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They didn't have AIDS.
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You know, the...
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The world was a better place.
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Now everybody's on their
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Facebook page, right?
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I want to say something
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unpopular about Facebook.
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I don't think married people
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should be on Facebook.
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I think, if you're married, you
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should cancel your Facebook
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right after the show, okay?
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You want some ex-girlfriend or
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ex-boyfriend of your husband or
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wife from 25 years ago sending
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little secret messages in
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the background like, "How's
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married life?
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Wink, lol"?
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Mrahh, mrahh.
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"Lmfao, I'm here if you need
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me."
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Rahh, rahh.
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That's not how it's supposed to
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work.
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That's not how the world's
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supposed to work.
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When I was a kid, everybody had
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one telephone.
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We keep it in the kitchen by
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the fridge.
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That was your connection with
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the outside world.
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It was called a landline, right?
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Actually... Actually it was called
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a phone.
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We call them a landline now
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because they have cords coming
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out of them.
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And if you follow the cord... You
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can follow the cord, and
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eventually the cord plugs
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directly into the land, okay?
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It's amazing.
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Y-You gotta go through dirt to
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get to the person you want to
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talk to.
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That's how primitive it was,
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right?
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All the phones looked the same.
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There was one model.
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They had a thing that curled
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the cord that came in four
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different colors... beige, green,
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black.
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If you were rich, you'd spend $1
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more and get a red one 'cause
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you wanted to feel like
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the President.
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Then the rotary dial.
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Rotary dial.
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Rotary dial.
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All right, you know you're
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getting older when you remember
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phones before buttons were
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introduced into them, you know?
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[imitates beeping]
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I...
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I remember being so excited when
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those buttons got introduced,
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man.
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It was like a cool, new, modern
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feature.
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[imitates beeping]
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It's digital.
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It's digital.
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[imitates beeping]
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You know, we never had a piano
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in my house.
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I was always very musical.
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[imitates beeping tune of
"Mary had a little lamb"]
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"Mommy, mommy, I played
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Mary had a little lamb!"
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"You called China!"
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Right?
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"That's 3,000 fucking dollars!
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Our son's a fucking asshole!"
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That's the way the world's
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supposed to work, man.
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The one-phone system was
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a better system.
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It was a simpler time.
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This is why I don't think
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married people should be on
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Facebook.
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You want the one-phone system.
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If somebody wanted to get
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a hold of your husband, she
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would call the phone in your
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house.
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You would pick it up.
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You'd say, "Hello."
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She would say, "Is your husband
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there?"
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You would say, "Who the fuck is
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you would say, "Who the fuck is
this?
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This?
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Roger, there's some cunt on
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the phone.
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If she calls here again, I'm
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going to slit her fucking
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throat.
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Fuck off, Bitch!"
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Right?
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That's how it's supposed to
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work.
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That's how you keep marriages
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together.
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The one-phone system.
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Facebook's going to ruin high
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school reunions.
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Before you go to your high
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school reunion, you were
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wondering what Judy Miller
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looked like.
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00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:51,873
Now you know what Judy Miller
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looks like.
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You been jacking off to her
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family vacation photos for five
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00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:59,009
freaking years.
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This guy knows what I'm talking
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about right here.
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00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:02,623
You know Judy?
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00:06:02,624 --> 00:06:03,927
You know Judy?
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I'm telling you, man.
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I tell you.
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I don't know, man.
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00:06:08,847 --> 00:06:09,847
I think it's the conspiracy of
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00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:10,500
our time.
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00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,458
We're getting sucked into this
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00:06:11,459 --> 00:06:12,459
digital grid.
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00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:13,373
We're giving away all our
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personal information.
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00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:15,462
We're getting sucked into this
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00:06:15,463 --> 00:06:17,550
digital vortex.
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00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:18,551
When I was a kid, we talked
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00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:19,726
about how the CIA could see
254
00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:20,467
inside our homes.
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00:06:20,468 --> 00:06:21,728
The CIA could hear our phone
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00:06:21,729 --> 00:06:22,382
calls.
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00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:23,383
It was, "Big Brother's
258
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,035
watching."
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00:06:24,036 --> 00:06:25,514
Now the C... some corporation
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00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,211
comes along.
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00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:27,169
They tell us to take all our
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personal information, just give
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it away for free.
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00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,432
Now the CIA wants your
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00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:31,520
information, all they got to do
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00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,087
is friend request you, right?
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00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,393
We're a generation of peeping
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00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,264
Toms.
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00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:36,134
We can see inside everybody's
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homes.
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00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:37,527
We don't have to be invited
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over.
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00:06:38,224 --> 00:06:41,008
We're coming anyway.
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00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:42,139
We like taking pictures of our
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stuff and putting it online, so
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everyone can see our stuff.
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00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,669
Look at my car.
278
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:50,670
Look at my girlfriend.
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00:06:50,671 --> 00:06:51,541
Look at my boyfriend.
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00:06:51,542 --> 00:06:53,324
Look at my pool table.
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00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,109
Look at my pool.
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00:06:54,110 --> 00:06:56,806
Look at my new hubcaps.
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00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,068
Look at my stuff.
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00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,287
We all like to go online and
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look at everybody else's stuff,
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00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:01,594
secretly hoping that they go
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00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:02,682
bankrupt and lose all their
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00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:05,511
stuff.
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00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:06,903
And you got video phones coming
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out.
291
00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:08,905
You got a call on your phone.
292
00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:10,080
You can see you.
293
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,430
You can see them.
294
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,257
This sucks, right?
295
00:07:13,258 --> 00:07:13,955
How are you going to get away
296
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:14,608
with anything?
297
00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:15,304
How you going to get away with
298
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:15,957
things?
299
00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:16,610
H-how are you going to go to
300
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:17,306
the strip clubs, or how you
301
00:07:17,307 --> 00:07:18,307
going to go the strip club, get
302
00:07:18,307 --> 00:07:19,047
away from the wife?
303
00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:19,743
Guys are going to be taking
304
00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:20,657
calls at the strip club in
305
00:07:20,658 --> 00:07:21,788
fucking... in fucking broom
306
00:07:21,789 --> 00:07:25,313
fucking... in fucking broom
closets and shit.
307
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:28,011
Closets and shit.
308
00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:29,230
"Hey, honey, just doing a little
309
00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,840
sweeping here.
310
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,189
Sweep..."
311
00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:33,190
Strip clubs are going to have to
312
00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:33,931
adapt, right?
313
00:07:33,932 --> 00:07:34,975
They're going to have to adapt.
314
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:35,933
They're going to build rooms off
315
00:07:35,934 --> 00:07:36,977
the side of the stage, you know?
316
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:37,631
With a... with, like,
317
00:07:37,632 --> 00:07:39,458
a Hollywood-style set built to
318
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,589
look like a post office or
319
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:45,420
something.
320
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:46,335
"Hey, honey.
321
00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:47,162
Just sending some mail.
322
00:07:47,163 --> 00:07:50,294
Gotta pay those bills.
323
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,339
It's the weirdest post office
324
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,036
I've ever been to.
325
00:07:52,037 --> 00:07:53,167
I know it's 4:00 in the morning.
326
00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,429
I don't know why Lady Gaga is
327
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:57,345
playing in the background.
328
00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:58,607
Just making it rain on the phone
329
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,174
Bill here.
330
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:00,871
Paying the phone bill with
331
00:08:00,872 --> 00:08:03,177
singles today."
332
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:03,874
Yeah, I think we gotta be
333
00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:05,048
careful about this stuff, man.
334
00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:06,485
We're giving away too much.
335
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,573
The innocence is gone in
336
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:08,574
the world.
337
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,401
The mystery's gone in the world.
338
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,620
We're not talking to each other
339
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:12,839
anymore.
340
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,580
Everybody's text messaging now.
341
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,538
That's how we communicate... with
342
00:08:15,539 --> 00:08:17,278
text messages.
343
00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:18,236
You go out to dinner with six
344
00:08:18,237 --> 00:08:19,367
people.
345
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,455
Three of them will be texting
346
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,500
under the table, talking to
347
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,588
three people they'd rather be
348
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,198
eating dinner with than you.
349
00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:30,204
Eating dinner with than you.
[chuckling]
350
00:08:30,205 --> 00:08:34,948
[chuckling]
351
00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:35,602
"No, no.
352
00:08:35,603 --> 00:08:37,472
[giggling] Uh-uh.
353
00:08:37,473 --> 00:08:39,300
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
354
00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,128
I can't, I'm h...
355
00:08:41,129 --> 00:08:42,086
I can't, I'm here with
356
00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:42,739
everybody."
357
00:08:42,740 --> 00:08:45,524
[giggles]
358
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,875
"Ah, ah.
359
00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:49,529
Ah."
360
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,225
I hate that.
361
00:08:50,226 --> 00:08:54,445
I hate that look..."Ah."
362
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:55,099
Bring a book to the dinner
363
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:55,752
table.
364
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:56,492
I think we should... we should
365
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:57,319
start bringing books to
366
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:57,972
the dinner table.
367
00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:58,755
If it pisses you off, bring
368
00:08:58,755 --> 00:08:59,451
a book, right?
369
00:08:59,451 --> 00:09:00,148
People start texting in front
370
00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:00,801
of you.
371
00:09:00,802 --> 00:09:03,803
of you.
Whip out a copy of Moby Dick.
372
00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:12,376
Whip out a copy of Moby Dick.
373
00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:13,030
Yeah?
374
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:13,770
What's going to happen to our
375
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:14,466
bodies?
376
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:15,424
How are we going to evolve as
377
00:09:15,425 --> 00:09:16,729
a species with all this new
378
00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:18,339
technology taking over our
379
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,254
lives?
380
00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:20,081
It's going to... it's going to
381
00:09:20,082 --> 00:09:21,168
change... it's going to change
382
00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:21,952
our... our physical appearance,
383
00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:22,605
right?
384
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:23,301
Think about it.
385
00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:24,172
We started out thousands of
386
00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,042
years ago.
387
00:09:25,043 --> 00:09:28,305
We were... we were Cro-Magnon man.
388
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:30,960
We were Neanderthal man, hunched
389
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,614
over, and then we evolved.
390
00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:34,311
And we... we stood up.
391
00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:36,096
We became tall.
392
00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:37,663
We became human beings.
393
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:40,840
We became tall human beings.
394
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:43,016
We're tall.
395
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:45,192
We're tall, right?
396
00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:47,934
We're tall.
397
00:09:47,935 --> 00:09:50,327
We start text messaging.
398
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,025
Don't really need our legs
399
00:09:51,025 --> 00:09:51,678
anymore.
400
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:52,548
Our legs are going to start to
401
00:09:52,549 --> 00:09:53,722
retract into our bodies.
402
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:54,419
Don't really have to go
403
00:09:54,419 --> 00:09:55,072
anywhere.
404
00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:55,769
Our arms are going to retract
405
00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:56,465
into our bodies.
406
00:09:56,466 --> 00:09:57,552
Our mouths... we won't need them
407
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:58,206
to communicate.
408
00:09:58,207 --> 00:09:59,207
They're going to shrivel up into
409
00:09:59,208 --> 00:10:00,642
these straw-like tubes.
410
00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:01,339
We'll...
411
00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:02,557
[gasping for breath]
412
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:03,515
We'll... we'll suck vitamins
413
00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:04,168
through them.
414
00:10:04,169 --> 00:10:05,212
[gasping for breath]
415
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:07,518
Applesauce.
416
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,651
Applesauce, applesauce.
417
00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:12,262
Apples...
418
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:13,134
We'll become these Jabba
419
00:10:13,135 --> 00:10:15,962
the Hutt-type blobs with nothing
420
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,311
left.
421
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:18,660
Nothing but two muscular,
422
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,227
elongated, rapidly flapping,
423
00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:21,837
text-messaging thumbs.
424
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:27,887
Text-messaging thumbs.
[blubbering]
425
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:38,985
[blubbering]
426
00:10:38,986 --> 00:10:42,423
Blobs with thumbs.
427
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:44,251
We're addicted to it.
428
00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:45,209
We're addicted to our cell
429
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:45,862
phones.
430
00:10:45,863 --> 00:10:46,949
We're addicted to our text
431
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:47,647
messages.
432
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:48,995
We're addicted to our Facebook
433
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,170
pages and our emails.
434
00:10:50,171 --> 00:10:50,824
We run to it.
435
00:10:50,825 --> 00:10:52,172
We run to see what's on there.
436
00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:53,477
We run to check our inbox,
437
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:54,131
right?
438
00:10:54,132 --> 00:10:55,305
It's a physical addiction too.
439
00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:56,003
I think it's a physical
440
00:10:56,004 --> 00:10:57,004
addiction like cigarettes.
441
00:10:57,005 --> 00:11:00,397
Like cigarettes, right?
442
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,269
You know when you send a text
443
00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:02,226
message to someone, and you
444
00:11:02,227 --> 00:11:03,487
don't get a response right away,
445
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:06,969
you feel depressed?
446
00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,101
If you send a text message to
447
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:09,276
someone you really like, and you
448
00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:10,538
get a response right away, and
449
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:12,758
you feel happy.
450
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:13,585
You feel happy.
451
00:11:13,586 --> 00:11:14,803
Your body... it feeds the chemical
452
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:15,762
dopamine.
453
00:11:15,763 --> 00:11:16,979
Dopamine... it goes through your
454
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:18,154
blood, and you become addicted
455
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,373
to that dopamine rush.
456
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:21,114
And you associate that dopamine
457
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:22,289
rush with the happy feeling of
458
00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:23,117
receiving a text.
459
00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:23,987
And that's why you got people
460
00:11:23,988 --> 00:11:25,814
sending 3,000 fucking text
461
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:26,815
messages a day, right?
462
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:27,730
We're not even paying attention
463
00:11:27,731 --> 00:11:28,731
to what we're saying anymore.
464
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:29,558
It's just like a... it's like
465
00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:30,819
a morphine drip, right?
466
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,168
It's like... it's like a dopamine
467
00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:33,213
drip.
468
00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:34,431
Happy buttons.
469
00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:35,694
Happy buttons.
470
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,869
Happy buttons.
471
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:38,305
Time to play with the happy
472
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:39,089
buttons.
473
00:11:39,090 --> 00:11:41,917
Buttons. Happy buttons.
474
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,440
Happy buttons.
475
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:44,355
I almost forgot I was still on
476
00:11:44,356 --> 00:11:46,095
this fucking thing.
477
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:47,923
[chuckles]
478
00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:49,577
Do my whole... do my whole first
479
00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:51,013
comedy special owling on
480
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:55,061
a stool.
481
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:58,325
[chuckles]
482
00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:02,198
Yeah.
483
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:03,070
Aw, man, we gotta be careful,
484
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:03,723
man.
485
00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:04,724
We get addicted to this stuff.
486
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:05,854
We can't stop using it.
487
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:06,813
I don't want to bitch and
488
00:12:06,814 --> 00:12:08,552
complain and cry and moan for
489
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:09,684
the whole night, but I'm worried
490
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:10,338
about it, you know?
491
00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:11,555
People are getting freaked out
492
00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:13,079
by this stuff.
493
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,297
You hear about this teacher?
494
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:15,734
She was arrested for taking
495
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,083
a naked photo of herself with
496
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:18,432
her cell phone and sending it to
497
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:21,261
her 14-year-old student.
498
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:22,045
Yeah.
499
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:22,959
That didn't happen when I was
500
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:23,655
a kid, right?
501
00:12:23,656 --> 00:12:27,484
I wish it did.
502
00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:28,659
I don't want to blame the cell
503
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,183
phone for this disgusting
504
00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:32,098
decision that this disgusting
505
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,535
lady made, right?
506
00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:37,712
Disgusting lady.
507
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:38,713
I don't want to blame her cell
508
00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:39,541
phone, but think about how
509
00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:41,063
difficult it would have been to
510
00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:42,804
take a naked picture of yourself
511
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:44,153
and send it to your 14-year-old
512
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:47,287
student in the 1970s.
513
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:48,245
You know, you're up late at
514
00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:49,029
night.
515
00:12:49,030 --> 00:12:50,899
You're marking tests.
516
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,248
Little Billy says something
517
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,511
about cumulonimbus clouds that
518
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:55,774
makes you smile.
519
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,515
"Mmm, mmm.
520
00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:00,343
Mmm, mmm."
521
00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:02,084
An idea pops into your head.
522
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,043
"Mmm.
523
00:13:03,044 --> 00:13:04,260
I know what I want to do.
524
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,914
Mmm.
525
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:07,220
I want to take a naked picture
526
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:08,699
of myself and send it to little
527
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:09,397
Billy.
528
00:13:09,398 --> 00:13:10,614
Mmm, mmm."
529
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:11,790
Now y-you have a shot of
530
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:12,530
Jagermeister.
531
00:13:12,531 --> 00:13:13,922
[gulps]
532
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:14,923
Now you gotta get a... you gotta
533
00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:15,620
get the camera.
534
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:16,360
You gotta put film in
535
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,013
the camera.
536
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:17,927
It's hard putting film in
537
00:13:17,928 --> 00:13:19,623
a camera in 1975, and you're
538
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:21,234
drunk on Jagermeister at 4:00 in
539
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:22,235
the morning, right?
540
00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:22,932
Then you gotta go through all
541
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:23,803
the drawers in the kitchen.
542
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:24,499
You gotta find one of those
543
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,021
magic bulb flash cubes.
544
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:26,718
You gotta go through all
545
00:13:26,719 --> 00:13:28,154
the burnt-out ones, right?
546
00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:29,112
You gotta go... you ha... you kept
547
00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:29,939
the burnt-out ones, right?
548
00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:30,810
So you gotta go through those,
549
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:31,811
find the r...
550
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,768
Y-y... that's a lot of metal and
551
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:33,421
plastic there, right?
552
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:34,161
You're not going to throw that
553
00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:35,031
away, maybe make a Lego police
554
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:35,771
car out of that or something,
555
00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:36,424
you know?
556
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,077
You do something with it.
557
00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:37,773
You do something.
558
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:38,513
Then you find one that's got
559
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:39,209
a little juice on it.
560
00:13:39,210 --> 00:13:40,210
You get naked.
561
00:13:40,211 --> 00:13:41,994
[creepy voice] "Billy.
562
00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:43,909
Billy boy.
563
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,519
Billy boy.
564
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,086
Billy boy."
565
00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:48,087
[raspier voice] "Billy B..."
566
00:13:48,088 --> 00:13:50,611
[laughs]
567
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:51,308
Now you gotta go down to
568
00:13:51,309 --> 00:13:54,006
the mall, get the film
569
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:54,921
developed at the photo
570
00:13:54,922 --> 00:13:56,095
development place where your
571
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:56,923
neighbor works.
572
00:13:56,924 --> 00:13:58,314
You hand him the camera.
573
00:13:58,315 --> 00:13:59,229
You ask him to double your
574
00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:00,534
prints for $1 'cause that's
575
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,623
a deal.
576
00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:03,842
Don't want a pass up a deal like
577
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:04,539
that, right?
578
00:14:04,540 --> 00:14:05,540
Maybe little Billy might want
579
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:06,323
a naked photo.
580
00:14:06,324 --> 00:14:07,454
Maybe little Timmy might want
581
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:09,543
one too, right?
582
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:10,240
Then you go home.
583
00:14:10,241 --> 00:14:11,458
Y-you go home.
584
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:12,851
You pace around for a while.
585
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:13,591
You have another shot of
586
00:14:13,592 --> 00:14:14,809
Jagermeister.
587
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,158
You come back the next day.
588
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,246
You get your naked photos of
589
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:17,900
yourself.
590
00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,248
You put them in an envelope.
591
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:20,771
You lick the envelope.
592
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:23,339
[grunts]
593
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,167
You know, the taste of the glue.
594
00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,866
"Ooh, ooh, the gluey, gluey
595
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:28,867
taste.
596
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,216
The gluey..."
597
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:33,045
[laughs]
598
00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:33,829
Then you gotta write little
599
00:14:33,830 --> 00:14:34,916
Billy's address down on
600
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:35,613
the envelope.
601
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,527
"To Billy.
602
00:14:36,528 --> 00:14:38,789
For your eyes only," right?
603
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:39,530
Then you have another shot of
604
00:14:39,531 --> 00:14:41,314
Jagermeister.
605
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:42,185
I mean, you still have to be
606
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:42,882
drunk, right?
607
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,491
You're, like, 36 hours deep into
608
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:48,669
this idea at this point.
609
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,149
Stumbling down the street
610
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,194
through your neighborhood
611
00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:53,543
towards the mailbox on
612
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:54,849
the corner.
613
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:56,285
Your hand dangling above
614
00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,808
the mailbox.
615
00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,288
At any point up to this moment,
616
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:00,463
you would've had the ability to
617
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:02,204
say to yourself, "You know,
618
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:03,684
maybe this isn't such a good
619
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:07,906
idea."
620
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,169
Now it's just bad idea, shot of
621
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:11,779
Jagermeister, grab the cell
622
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,563
phone, point, click, send, fall
623
00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:14,782
asleep in your own puke.
624
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:16,392
[groans]
625
00:15:16,393 --> 00:15:17,741
Wake up ten hours later.
626
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:18,829
There's cops.
627
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:19,830
You're in handcuffs.
628
00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:20,831
"I did what?
629
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:21,920
Billy!
630
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,792
I love you, Billy!"
631
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:25,924
We gotta be careful what we do
632
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:26,795
with our cell phones when we're
633
00:15:26,796 --> 00:15:28,187
drunk, that's all.
634
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,450
Drunk, that's all. That's all.
635
00:15:30,451 --> 00:15:31,668
That's all.
636
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:35,107
Watch what you do...
637
00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:36,543
with your cell phone when you're
638
00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:37,674
drunk.
639
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:38,893
Be careful.
640
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,634
You really do gotta be careful.
641
00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:41,940
The world is just getting messed
642
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,202
up, man.
643
00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:45,465
Innocence is gone in our world.
644
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,597
The mystery's gone in our world.
645
00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,251
We're giving it all away.
646
00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:50,470
You can s... We can see anything
647
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:51,601
instantly.
648
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:52,386
I don't think we've thought
649
00:15:52,387 --> 00:15:53,777
about it enough, what all this
650
00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:55,605
stuff means or this instant
651
00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:56,477
access to everything.
652
00:15:56,478 --> 00:15:57,607
You can see anything instantly.
653
00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:58,348
You can go on Google.
654
00:15:58,348 --> 00:15:59,088
You can type in the name of
655
00:15:59,089 --> 00:16:00,349
a city on Google Earth.
656
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:01,003
You can type in the name of
657
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:01,699
a city.
658
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,745
You can hover over the city.
659
00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:06,007
Hover over the city looking at
660
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:09,141
the terrified citizens below.
661
00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:10,446
Or you go on Google Street View.
662
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:11,318
You type in "Paris."
663
00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:12,188
Now you go down to street level.
664
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,146
You're walking down the streets
665
00:16:13,147 --> 00:16:14,494
of Paris.
666
00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:15,495
Walking down the streets of
667
00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:16,539
Paris, taking the mystery out of
668
00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:19,934
the whole goddamn world.
669
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,066
Fuck it, we got purple curtains
670
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:21,763
in Boston.
671
00:16:21,764 --> 00:16:24,634
Fuck it.
672
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:25,635
Might as well just stay home,
673
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,594
right?
674
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,291
They're kicking all the
675
00:16:28,292 --> 00:16:29,813
dictators out around the world.
676
00:16:29,814 --> 00:16:30,511
They're kicking them out in
677
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,164
Libya.
678
00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:31,947
They're kicking them out in
679
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:32,600
Egypt.
680
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,340
They're kicking them out in
681
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:33,993
Tunisia.
682
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:34,732
They're kicking them out in
683
00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:35,385
Bahrain.
684
00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:36,125
They're kicking them out in
685
00:16:36,126 --> 00:16:38,039
Wisconsin.
686
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,260
Everywh...
687
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:42,001
It's like we want to make
688
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,784
everything exactly the same.
689
00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:44,959
Everything's got to be exactly
690
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,004
the same.
691
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,006
I went all over the world this
692
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,398
year doing stand-up comedy.
693
00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:51,313
Every city is exactly the same.
694
00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:52,098
Doesn't matter if you're in
695
00:16:52,099 --> 00:16:54,229
Sydney, Australia, Chicago,
696
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,926
Toronto, Los Angeles.
697
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,102
There's a Starbucks on every
698
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:59,191
corner, an ATM machine,
699
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,193
a Walmart, an Ikea making you
700
00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:02,411
feel stupid 'cause you can't put
701
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,543
an office chair together.
702
00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:06,241
It's all the same.
703
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,503
I went to Afghanistan a few
704
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:08,635
months ago and did some stand-up
705
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:09,332
for the military.
706
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:10,159
Okay, let's have a hand for
707
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,333
those guys.
708
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:16,295
Okay, good.
709
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:18,514
Have a hand for those guys.
710
00:17:18,515 --> 00:17:19,559
See, that was the only city in
711
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:20,734
the whole world where I went to
712
00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:21,475
where I was thinking, "You know,
713
00:17:21,476 --> 00:17:22,692
this... there's no Starbucks
714
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:23,737
here.
715
00:17:23,738 --> 00:17:25,304
There's no Wendy's.
716
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:26,132
You know, if I hopped this
717
00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:29,134
fence, left the military base,
718
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:30,570
and went downtown Kandahar,
719
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:33,051
they'd kill me."
720
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,489
I like that.
721
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:40,493
I like that.
722
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,885
You want to have a few wild
723
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,104
places left on the planet where,
724
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:44,149
if you go there, they decapitate
725
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:44,846
you, right?
726
00:17:44,847 --> 00:17:47,717
You don't have to go there.
727
00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:49,023
Let's keep a couple of places
728
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:50,155
like that just to keep it
729
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:53,723
interesting.
730
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:54,898
Want to make everything exactly
731
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,596
the same.
732
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:57,250
Look what happened to
733
00:17:57,251 --> 00:17:58,293
Saddam Hussein.
734
00:17:58,294 --> 00:17:59,599
All the guy wanted to do was be
735
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,514
the king of his own country.
736
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:02,515
Just wanted to be the leader of
737
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:03,212
his own country.
738
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:03,952
Just wanted to go out on his
739
00:18:03,953 --> 00:18:05,953
balcony, put on his army suit,
740
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,781
pretend he's Fidel Castro, shoot
741
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:09,609
a shotgun in the air, hang out
742
00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:11,263
with his crazy sons, go get
743
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:12,438
a gold toilet seat made for
744
00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:13,092
himself, you know?
745
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:14,440
Get blown by an enslaved
746
00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:15,528
prostitute feeding him grapes,
747
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:16,182
right?
748
00:18:16,183 --> 00:18:18,792
That's all he wanted to do.
749
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:20,098
And it pissed us off, right?
750
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,186
It pissed us off.
751
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,665
Who the fuck does this guy think
752
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,276
he fucking is with his gold
753
00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:27,061
he fucking is with his gold
toilet seats and his grapes?
754
00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:30,238
Toilet seats and his grapes?
755
00:18:30,239 --> 00:18:32,110
It pissed us off, and we went in
756
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,241
there, and we chased him all
757
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:34,025
around, right?
758
00:18:34,026 --> 00:18:35,113
One second, the guy's the king
759
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:35,940
of his own country.
760
00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:36,811
The next second, we're pulling
761
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:37,507
him out of the hole in
762
00:18:37,507 --> 00:18:38,247
the ground looking like
763
00:18:38,248 --> 00:18:42,424
Nick Nolte's mug shot.
764
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:43,686
Looking like Ron Jeremy on
765
00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:45,471
a bender.
766
00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:47,734
It's, like, the worst...
767
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:50,650
It's, like, the worst disguise.
768
00:18:50,651 --> 00:18:51,825
Ron Jeremy's, like, the first
769
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:52,609
person the Marines would
770
00:18:52,610 --> 00:18:54,741
recognize.
771
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:59,006
"Ron Jeremy.
772
00:18:59,007 --> 00:18:59,877
He seems a little disoriented,
773
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:00,530
boys.
774
00:19:00,531 --> 00:19:03,141
Oorah.
775
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,359
Well, strip him down, and hose
776
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:08,276
him off.
777
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:10,235
Wait a minute.
778
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:12,280
You're not Ron Jeremy.
779
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:17,590
It's Saddam Hussein!"
780
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:18,765
That was a cock joke.
781
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:22,290
That was a cock joke.
782
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,249
That was a joke about
783
00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:26,164
Saddam Hussein's tiny cock!
784
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,426
His tiny cock!
785
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:30,080
Cock!
786
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:32,779
Cock!
787
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:35,303
Cock joke, cock joke, cock joke.
788
00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:40,743
Cock joke, cock joke, cock joke.
Cock, cock!
789
00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:42,267
Cock, cock!
790
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:46,358
Fuck jokes.
791
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:47,968
Screw jokes, huh, Santa?
792
00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:49,970
Come on, fuck it.
793
00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,145
Let's just yell "cock" at these
794
00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:51,799
people all night.
795
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:56,106
Cock!
796
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:56,760
You guys having fun?
797
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:57,500
You guys are... you guys are
798
00:19:57,501 --> 00:20:02,809
awesome, man.
799
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,463
When I say "chicken," you say
800
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:05,160
"sandwich."
801
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:05,813
Chicken.
802
00:20:05,813 --> 00:20:06,466
Crowd: Sandwich.
803
00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:07,162
Chicken.
804
00:20:07,163 --> 00:20:08,423
Crowd: Sandwich.
805
00:20:08,424 --> 00:20:12,775
That was fucking pointless.
806
00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:17,563
[chuckling]
807
00:20:17,564 --> 00:20:18,304
You guys have fun tonight in
808
00:20:18,305 --> 00:20:19,608
Boston, right?
809
00:20:19,609 --> 00:20:21,610
Absolutely.
810
00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:22,785
In the beautiful Wilbur Theatre
811
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:23,439
here.
812
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:24,135
Look at this place.
813
00:20:24,136 --> 00:20:25,440
It's amazing.
814
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,050
Got this, uh... got this beautiful
815
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:28,704
balcony here, right?
816
00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:29,532
You g... how you guys doing?
817
00:20:29,533 --> 00:20:30,967
Right, you got the... the fucking
818
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:34,667
Right, you got the... the fucking
Muppet show and shit, right?
819
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:37,887
Muppet show and shit, right?
820
00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:40,673
Good to see you.
821
00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:44,372
[chuckles]
822
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:45,244
We didn't plan that.
823
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,070
That light just went on like
824
00:20:46,071 --> 00:20:48,855
that automatically.
825
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:49,899
I grew up... I grew up on, uh,
826
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:52,641
I grew up... I grew up on, uh,
a Canadian army base.
827
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:56,602
A Canadian army base.
828
00:20:56,603 --> 00:21:02,042
We got an army.
829
00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:03,173
My dad was a captain in
830
00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:04,045
the Canadian army.
831
00:21:04,046 --> 00:21:07,003
The Canadian army.
He looked after the tank.
832
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:12,313
He looked after the tank.
833
00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:13,619
It was a Volkswagen Beetle with
834
00:21:13,620 --> 00:21:15,055
a shotgun welded to the roof.
835
00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:20,713
It was...
836
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,192
You'd see it going by on the way
837
00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:22,846
to school.
838
00:21:22,847 --> 00:21:25,761
It was scary.
839
00:21:25,762 --> 00:21:27,676
Made you think.
840
00:21:27,677 --> 00:21:28,764
Growing up on a Canadian army
841
00:21:28,765 --> 00:21:29,549
base... It made you think.
842
00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:30,289
You'd be like, "Who wants to
843
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,028
attack Canada?
844
00:21:31,029 --> 00:21:33,726
Someone wants to attack Canada."
845
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:35,858
"Oh, the Russians.
846
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:37,338
The communists.
847
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:40,385
The communists."
848
00:21:40,386 --> 00:21:41,690
Spent the first 20 years of our
849
00:21:41,691 --> 00:21:42,996
lives worrying about
850
00:21:42,997 --> 00:21:43,650
The communists.
851
00:21:43,651 --> 00:21:45,172
"The communists, the communists,
852
00:21:45,173 --> 00:21:46,304
the communists, the communists,
853
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:46,957
the c..."
854
00:21:46,958 --> 00:21:48,175
Suddenly it's, "The terrorists,
855
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:49,524
the terrorists, the terrorists,
856
00:21:49,525 --> 00:21:50,352
the terrorists."
857
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:51,048
Next it's the fucking
858
00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:51,788
optometrists?
859
00:21:51,789 --> 00:21:53,833
I don't know what the f...
860
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:54,748
Yeah, it did... nothing...
861
00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:55,531
That stuff they told you didn't
862
00:21:55,531 --> 00:21:56,358
always make sense either 'cause
863
00:21:56,358 --> 00:21:57,141
you didn't have the internet,
864
00:21:57,141 --> 00:21:57,794
right?
865
00:21:57,794 --> 00:21:58,447
So you couldn't go on
866
00:21:58,447 --> 00:21:59,143
the internet and look at
867
00:21:59,143 --> 00:21:59,796
the Russians.
868
00:21:59,796 --> 00:22:00,536
You just had to kind of believe
869
00:22:00,537 --> 00:22:01,928
what you see on the news, see on
870
00:22:01,929 --> 00:22:03,059
The Hunt for Red October.
871
00:22:03,060 --> 00:22:05,671
That's what the Russians were.
872
00:22:05,672 --> 00:22:06,759
That was it.
873
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:07,543
They'd tell you stuff that
874
00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:08,239
didn't make any sense.
875
00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:09,110
They'd say, "You don't want to
876
00:22:09,111 --> 00:22:10,328
be communists.
877
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,155
Oh, you don't want to live in
878
00:22:11,155 --> 00:22:11,808
Russia.
879
00:22:11,808 --> 00:22:12,635
In Russia, they can't get
880
00:22:12,636 --> 00:22:15,681
jeans."
881
00:22:15,682 --> 00:22:17,683
Like this is the worst threat.
882
00:22:17,684 --> 00:22:18,598
Lack of jeans.
883
00:22:18,599 --> 00:22:20,381
Didn't make any sense, right?
884
00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:21,122
They could... they could put
885
00:22:21,122 --> 00:22:22,036
a monkey in orbit, but they
886
00:22:22,037 --> 00:22:23,297
couldn't make blue cotton pants?
887
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:26,126
It didn't make any sense.
888
00:22:26,127 --> 00:22:27,519
You'd be glued to that TV and be
889
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,607
like, "If we don't win this
890
00:22:28,608 --> 00:22:31,958
hockey game, we're fucking dead.
891
00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:33,438
We need to win this hockey
892
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:34,830
game."
893
00:22:34,831 --> 00:22:37,267
And we'd do drills.
894
00:22:37,268 --> 00:22:38,921
They'd make us do drills.
895
00:22:38,922 --> 00:22:40,967
You're six years old.
896
00:22:40,968 --> 00:22:42,621
You're in school.
897
00:22:42,622 --> 00:22:43,622
Teacher comes out.
898
00:22:43,623 --> 00:22:45,798
She says, "Kids, if the Russians
899
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,626
launch a nuclear missile, hide
900
00:22:47,627 --> 00:22:49,584
under the desk."
901
00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:51,543
The wooden desk.
902
00:22:51,544 --> 00:22:52,674
Like the desk had been held over
903
00:22:52,675 --> 00:22:53,372
from the '50s.
904
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:54,763
It had... it had an inkwell in it.
905
00:22:54,764 --> 00:22:55,678
They'd been using feathered
906
00:22:55,679 --> 00:22:57,375
quills not that long ago to
907
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,506
write on this piece of wooden
908
00:22:58,507 --> 00:22:59,203
furniture.
909
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:00,161
And now you're underneath it,
910
00:23:00,161 --> 00:23:00,988
and they're telling you it's
911
00:23:00,989 --> 00:23:01,989
going to protect you from
912
00:23:01,990 --> 00:23:05,295
a 15-megaton blast, right?
913
00:23:05,296 --> 00:23:06,732
And you're six years old, and
914
00:23:06,733 --> 00:23:07,950
you're looking at your teacher,
915
00:23:07,951 --> 00:23:09,387
and you're saying, "This is
916
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,824
fucking bullshit."
917
00:23:11,825 --> 00:23:13,434
[chuckles] And remember, you're
918
00:23:13,435 --> 00:23:14,262
under the desk, right?
919
00:23:14,263 --> 00:23:15,393
They got the wite-out, you know,
920
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,394
graffiti under there from
921
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,221
terrified children from drills
922
00:23:18,222 --> 00:23:19,701
gone past... messages to their
923
00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:20,660
families and shit.
924
00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:21,443
Remember wite-out, right?
925
00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:22,270
You'd write something down.
926
00:23:22,270 --> 00:23:23,184
You change your mind, you gotta
927
00:23:23,185 --> 00:23:24,185
pull out a can of paint.
928
00:23:24,186 --> 00:23:25,186
That's how fast the world
929
00:23:25,186 --> 00:23:25,839
changes.
930
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,143
That's how fast the world
931
00:23:27,144 --> 00:23:29,755
changes, sir.
932
00:23:29,756 --> 00:23:31,060
Oh, they... but then they came out
933
00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:32,061
with the Erasermate pen.
934
00:23:32,062 --> 00:23:32,976
Remember the Erasermate pen?
935
00:23:32,976 --> 00:23:33,586
That was exciting.
936
00:23:33,587 --> 00:23:34,587
We could erase ink.
937
00:23:34,588 --> 00:23:38,328
We felt like spies.
938
00:23:38,329 --> 00:23:40,069
The worst invention ever.
939
00:23:40,070 --> 00:23:40,941
It was, like, the w... it was
940
00:23:40,942 --> 00:23:42,028
like a Brillo eraser.
941
00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:43,464
It was like a sandpaper eraser.
942
00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:44,770
You'd scrape a layer of fucking
943
00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:46,554
paper off.
944
00:23:46,555 --> 00:23:47,599
Didn't erase... you'd just scrape
945
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:48,904
a layer of paper off, hand in
946
00:23:48,905 --> 00:23:52,604
this moth-eaten math quiz.
947
00:23:52,605 --> 00:23:53,432
There's just so much stuff that
948
00:23:53,433 --> 00:23:54,693
didn't make any sense.
949
00:23:54,694 --> 00:23:55,868
Like when they brought "X" s and
950
00:23:55,869 --> 00:23:56,956
"Y" s into math, you know?
951
00:23:56,957 --> 00:23:57,697
I hadn't even figured out
952
00:23:57,697 --> 00:23:58,393
the numbers yet.
953
00:23:58,393 --> 00:23:59,133
I'm looking at the teacher.
954
00:23:59,133 --> 00:23:59,786
I remember looking at
955
00:23:59,786 --> 00:24:00,439
the teacher saying, "Wait
956
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,441
a minute, it's a trick.
957
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,529
It's impossible.
958
00:24:04,530 --> 00:24:07,532
They're letters."
959
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:08,881
[chuckles] You got a train
960
00:24:08,882 --> 00:24:10,448
coming towards you at 450 miles
961
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:11,058
per hour.
962
00:24:11,059 --> 00:24:12,624
You're in a sports car going 150
963
00:24:12,625 --> 00:24:13,408
miles per hour towards
964
00:24:13,408 --> 00:24:14,061
the train.
965
00:24:14,061 --> 00:24:14,888
At what time do you meet at
966
00:24:14,888 --> 00:24:15,584
the station?
967
00:24:15,584 --> 00:24:16,411
I can't figure out the "X," "Y"
968
00:24:16,411 --> 00:24:17,064
thing.
969
00:24:17,064 --> 00:24:17,847
I'm never going to be able to
970
00:24:17,848 --> 00:24:18,891
afford a sports car that can go
971
00:24:18,892 --> 00:24:20,196
that fast, okay?
972
00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:21,459
We don't have high-speed rail in
973
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:22,112
this country.
974
00:24:22,112 --> 00:24:22,809
If I want to know what time
975
00:24:22,809 --> 00:24:23,679
the train's going to get to
976
00:24:23,679 --> 00:24:24,419
the station, I'll go to
977
00:24:24,420 --> 00:24:25,463
the station, and I'll fucking
978
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,813
wait, right?
979
00:24:27,814 --> 00:24:29,467
I'll look at the screen.
980
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:31,512
I'll ask the conductor, and then
981
00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:34,515
I'll fucking wait.
982
00:24:34,516 --> 00:24:35,734
They give you a pencil case.
983
00:24:35,735 --> 00:24:37,562
They give you a pencil case.
984
00:24:37,563 --> 00:24:38,693
They give you a pencil case with
985
00:24:38,694 --> 00:24:40,347
the original six NHL hockey
986
00:24:40,348 --> 00:24:41,001
teams on it, right?
987
00:24:41,001 --> 00:24:41,871
Boston, right?
988
00:24:41,872 --> 00:24:45,134
Bruins, right?
989
00:24:45,135 --> 00:24:46,440
I grew up loving that, man.
990
00:24:46,441 --> 00:24:47,702
I grew up loving the Boston
991
00:24:47,703 --> 00:24:48,487
Bruins, man.
992
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:49,444
You got your pencil case.
993
00:24:49,445 --> 00:24:50,879
You got the six NHL hockey teams
994
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:51,533
on it.
995
00:24:51,534 --> 00:24:52,751
Inside your pencil case, you got
996
00:24:52,752 --> 00:24:54,274
your bottle of wite-out.
997
00:24:54,275 --> 00:24:55,884
Y-you got y-your compass, which
998
00:24:55,885 --> 00:24:59,279
is basically a metal spear.
999
00:24:59,280 --> 00:24:59,976
You know, they give every kid
1000
00:24:59,977 --> 00:25:01,499
a spear that you can screw
1001
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:02,761
a pencil into it, so you can
1002
00:25:02,762 --> 00:25:04,153
learn how to draw a circle,
1003
00:25:04,154 --> 00:25:04,938
Yeah?
1004
00:25:04,939 --> 00:25:06,329
So you can... so you can learn how
1005
00:25:06,330 --> 00:25:10,159
to draw a perfect circle.
1006
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,686
Thank God they taught us that.
1007
00:25:14,687 --> 00:25:15,557
Can't think of where I'd be if
1008
00:25:15,557 --> 00:25:16,297
I didn't know how to draw
1009
00:25:16,298 --> 00:25:17,993
a circle, right?
1010
00:25:17,994 --> 00:25:18,778
Can't think of how many times
1011
00:25:18,779 --> 00:25:19,821
I've had to draw a circle in my
1012
00:25:19,822 --> 00:25:21,606
adult life.
1013
00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:22,521
Went down to the Starbucks
1014
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,434
the other day, ordered myself
1015
00:25:23,435 --> 00:25:24,783
a triple grande vanilla latte.
1016
00:25:24,784 --> 00:25:25,654
They said, "That will be $4.75,
1017
00:25:25,654 --> 00:25:26,350
please.
1018
00:25:26,350 --> 00:25:27,177
Can you draw a circle?"
1019
00:25:27,178 --> 00:25:29,178
I said, "I left...
1020
00:25:29,179 --> 00:25:30,440
left my compass out in the car."
1021
00:25:30,441 --> 00:25:31,094
"Well, I'm sorry.
1022
00:25:31,094 --> 00:25:31,834
We're not going to be able to
1023
00:25:31,835 --> 00:25:36,838
help you."
1024
00:25:36,839 --> 00:25:38,797
You got... you're six years old.
1025
00:25:38,798 --> 00:25:39,625
You got your wite-out.
1026
00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:40,539
It's a can of paint.
1027
00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:41,843
It's basically a fucking
1028
00:25:41,844 --> 00:25:43,192
inhalant and shit, right?
1029
00:25:43,193 --> 00:25:43,846
You're walking around.
1030
00:25:43,847 --> 00:25:44,933
You're high on fucking paint
1031
00:25:44,934 --> 00:25:45,587
fumes.
1032
00:25:45,588 --> 00:25:47,327
You got a spear in your hand.
1033
00:25:47,328 --> 00:25:48,546
They're telling you the Russians
1034
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:49,373
are coming.
1035
00:25:49,374 --> 00:25:51,418
"Come on, you commie fuckers!
1036
00:25:51,419 --> 00:25:53,376
We don't give a fuck!
1037
00:25:53,377 --> 00:25:56,423
Red Dawn motherfuckers!
1038
00:25:56,424 --> 00:25:59,861
Wolverines!
1039
00:25:59,862 --> 00:26:00,646
Wolverines!
1040
00:26:00,647 --> 00:26:02,081
We got Patrick Swayze,
1041
00:26:02,082 --> 00:26:05,475
we got Patrick Swayze,
motherfuckers!"
1042
00:26:05,476 --> 00:26:06,738
Motherfuckers!"
1043
00:26:06,739 --> 00:26:07,609
You know, it's like... it's weird.
1044
00:26:07,609 --> 00:26:08,523
You know, you talk about that.
1045
00:26:08,524 --> 00:26:09,567
You talk about those memories
1046
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:10,525
from school when you were a kid.
1047
00:26:10,526 --> 00:26:12,352
It's like you realize how fast
1048
00:26:12,353 --> 00:26:14,093
life goes by.
1049
00:26:14,094 --> 00:26:16,574
Just goes like that.
1050
00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:17,749
Life.
1051
00:26:17,750 --> 00:26:19,359
Boom.
1052
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,709
Speeds up.
1053
00:26:21,710 --> 00:26:23,015
You ever notice how time speeds
1054
00:26:23,016 --> 00:26:24,582
up as you get older?
1055
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:25,279
It does.
1056
00:26:25,279 --> 00:26:25,932
It does.
1057
00:26:25,933 --> 00:26:27,193
Speeds up.
1058
00:26:27,194 --> 00:26:27,977
It's all about your perspective
1059
00:26:27,977 --> 00:26:28,630
really.
1060
00:26:28,631 --> 00:26:30,805
That's what I figure.
1061
00:26:30,806 --> 00:26:32,851
Like when you're four years old,
1062
00:26:32,852 --> 00:26:34,766
a year... it's 1/4 of your entire
1063
00:26:34,767 --> 00:26:35,941
Life.
1064
00:26:35,942 --> 00:26:36,985
It's a huge fraction of time.
1065
00:26:36,986 --> 00:26:37,639
You think about that.
1066
00:26:37,639 --> 00:26:38,553
It's like, "Well, that's 1/4 of
1067
00:26:38,553 --> 00:26:39,162
my life.
1068
00:26:39,162 --> 00:26:39,946
That's going to take forever."
1069
00:26:39,947 --> 00:26:41,381
Right?
1070
00:26:41,382 --> 00:26:42,382
Then when you're ten years old,
1071
00:26:42,383 --> 00:26:43,297
it's 1/10 of your life.
1072
00:26:43,298 --> 00:26:45,080
A year is much less significant.
1073
00:26:45,081 --> 00:26:45,952
It seems to be going fast.
1074
00:26:45,953 --> 00:26:46,953
Your perception is it's going by
1075
00:26:46,953 --> 00:26:47,606
much faster.
1076
00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:48,910
Then suddenly you're 15, you're
1077
00:26:48,911 --> 00:26:50,520
30, and you're 50, then you're
1078
00:26:50,521 --> 00:26:52,914
fucking dead, you know?
1079
00:26:52,915 --> 00:26:53,655
I mean, I don't want to bring
1080
00:26:53,655 --> 00:26:54,613
the mood down, but I'm just
1081
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:56,265
saying.
1082
00:26:56,266 --> 00:27:00,966
Goes by fast, you know?
1083
00:27:00,967 --> 00:27:02,315
Seems like just yesterday I was
1084
00:27:02,316 --> 00:27:06,493
in school drawing a circle, had
1085
00:27:06,494 --> 00:27:07,929
all these asshole teachers
1086
00:27:07,930 --> 00:27:09,104
walking around telling me to
1087
00:27:09,105 --> 00:27:12,107
fuck off.
1088
00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,152
I was looking at them.
1089
00:27:13,153 --> 00:27:14,283
I'd say, "I never want to be
1090
00:27:14,284 --> 00:27:18,113
some old fucking asshole telling
1091
00:27:18,114 --> 00:27:19,288
people to fuck off."
1092
00:27:19,289 --> 00:27:20,029
And then suddenly, boom.
1093
00:27:20,029 --> 00:27:20,682
You're old.
1094
00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:21,509
You're telling people to fuck
1095
00:27:21,509 --> 00:27:22,162
off.
1096
00:27:22,163 --> 00:27:24,032
You're like, "This is pretty
1097
00:27:24,033 --> 00:27:26,861
cool."
1098
00:27:26,862 --> 00:27:27,862
It's fun being old and telling
1099
00:27:27,863 --> 00:27:28,647
people to fuck off.
1100
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:29,517
I went down to the skateboard
1101
00:27:29,518 --> 00:27:30,691
park the other day just to watch
1102
00:27:30,692 --> 00:27:31,779
the kids going up and down
1103
00:27:31,780 --> 00:27:33,172
the stairs on their skateboard,
1104
00:27:33,173 --> 00:27:34,216
doing the little jumps on
1105
00:27:34,217 --> 00:27:35,001
their skateboard...
1106
00:27:35,002 --> 00:27:36,218
Just so I could tell the kids to
1107
00:27:36,219 --> 00:27:38,743
fuck off.
1108
00:27:38,744 --> 00:27:39,831
These kids are... these kids are
1109
00:27:39,832 --> 00:27:40,875
looking at me, "Who are you?"
1110
00:27:40,876 --> 00:27:43,922
"I'm a fucking adult.
1111
00:27:43,923 --> 00:27:45,793
This is my fucking turn, you
1112
00:27:45,794 --> 00:27:49,667
meddling fucks.
1113
00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:53,671
Don't take that away from me!"
1114
00:27:53,672 --> 00:27:55,368
These kids turned out to be 35
1115
00:27:55,369 --> 00:27:56,717
years old.
1116
00:27:56,718 --> 00:28:00,155
Like aging skateboarders.
1117
00:28:00,156 --> 00:28:00,809
Kicked the fucking shit out of
1118
00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:01,505
me.
1119
00:28:01,505 --> 00:28:02,332
You can't fight back too.
1120
00:28:02,332 --> 00:28:03,203
You can't fight back when you're
1121
00:28:03,203 --> 00:28:03,856
an adult.
1122
00:28:03,857 --> 00:28:04,899
That's something... if I can... if I
1123
00:28:04,900 --> 00:28:05,814
can... if I can give you any
1124
00:28:05,815 --> 00:28:07,032
advice, it's, as you get older,
1125
00:28:07,033 --> 00:28:08,033
don't get in a fight, okay?
1126
00:28:08,034 --> 00:28:09,599
'Cause...'cause you know how time
1127
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:10,471
speeds up as you get older.
1128
00:28:10,471 --> 00:28:11,124
You're a kid.
1129
00:28:11,124 --> 00:28:11,777
You're used to fighting.
1130
00:28:11,777 --> 00:28:12,603
It's fun. It's cute.
1131
00:28:12,604 --> 00:28:13,691
You knock someone's tooth out.
1132
00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:14,431
You know, "Ha ha."
1133
00:28:14,431 --> 00:28:15,258
You know, you break someone's
1134
00:28:15,259 --> 00:28:16,519
wrist, "Ha ha, that's cute."
1135
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:17,564
You know?
1136
00:28:17,565 --> 00:28:18,261
But then suddenly you're
1137
00:28:18,262 --> 00:28:19,435
an adult, it's not cute anymore.
1138
00:28:19,436 --> 00:28:22,047
You go to jail.
1139
00:28:22,048 --> 00:28:22,875
You don't even realize you're
1140
00:28:22,875 --> 00:28:23,571
an adult.
1141
00:28:23,571 --> 00:28:24,354
You're just doing what you been
1142
00:28:24,354 --> 00:28:25,225
doing, and suddenly you go to
1143
00:28:25,226 --> 00:28:27,313
jail.
1144
00:28:27,314 --> 00:28:29,663
Even if it's self-defense.
1145
00:28:29,664 --> 00:28:30,708
Even if it's self-defense.
1146
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:31,492
They tell you you can fight in
1147
00:28:31,493 --> 00:28:32,971
self-defense, don't fight back,
1148
00:28:32,972 --> 00:28:34,494
Even if it's self-defense.
1149
00:28:34,495 --> 00:28:35,191
You'll go to jail.
1150
00:28:35,192 --> 00:28:38,193
The system's fucked.
1151
00:28:38,194 --> 00:28:40,456
You'll go to jail.
1152
00:28:40,457 --> 00:28:42,676
Even if it's in self-defense.
1153
00:28:42,677 --> 00:28:43,330
All right?
1154
00:28:43,330 --> 00:28:44,113
Someone comes up to you.
1155
00:28:44,113 --> 00:28:44,853
They poke you in the eye.
1156
00:28:44,853 --> 00:28:45,593
You're like, "What the fuck?
1157
00:28:45,594 --> 00:28:46,636
Don't you ever fucking punch me
1158
00:28:46,637 --> 00:28:47,595
in the...
1159
00:28:47,596 --> 00:28:48,813
Man, I don't give a fuck, man!
1160
00:28:48,814 --> 00:28:49,771
I don't give a fuck!
1161
00:28:49,772 --> 00:28:50,945
I don't give a fuck!
1162
00:28:50,946 --> 00:28:51,904
I don't give a fuck!
1163
00:28:51,904 --> 00:28:52,774
I don't give a fuck!
1164
00:28:52,774 --> 00:28:53,688
I don't give a fuck!
1165
00:28:53,688 --> 00:28:54,645
I don't give a fuck!
1166
00:28:54,645 --> 00:28:55,472
I don't give a fuck!
1167
00:28:55,473 --> 00:28:57,082
I don't give a fuck!
1168
00:28:57,083 --> 00:28:59,040
I don't give a fuck!
1169
00:28:59,041 --> 00:29:00,041
I don't give a fuck!
1170
00:29:00,042 --> 00:29:01,303
I don't give a fuck!
1171
00:29:01,304 --> 00:29:02,696
I don't give a fuck, man!
1172
00:29:02,697 --> 00:29:04,350
I don't give a fuck, man!
1173
00:29:04,351 --> 00:29:05,525
I don't give a..."
1174
00:29:05,526 --> 00:29:06,483
You look down at the ground.
1175
00:29:06,484 --> 00:29:07,962
The guy's fucking dead.
1176
00:29:07,963 --> 00:29:12,706
[panting]
1177
00:29:12,707 --> 00:29:13,534
Doesn't matter if it's
1178
00:29:13,534 --> 00:29:14,274
self-defense.
1179
00:29:14,274 --> 00:29:14,927
You're going to jail.
1180
00:29:14,927 --> 00:29:15,666
Who are they going to believe?
1181
00:29:15,666 --> 00:29:16,319
You or the dead guy?
1182
00:29:16,319 --> 00:29:17,016
They're going to believe
1183
00:29:17,016 --> 00:29:17,843
the dead guy.
1184
00:29:17,843 --> 00:29:18,757
Then you're in jail for the rest
1185
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:19,409
of your life.
1186
00:29:19,409 --> 00:29:20,236
You got no other option.
1187
00:29:20,236 --> 00:29:21,020
You gotta hang yourself with
1188
00:29:21,021 --> 00:29:23,543
your bed sheets.
1189
00:29:23,544 --> 00:29:24,197
Huh?
1190
00:29:24,197 --> 00:29:25,111
That's your only option, right?
1191
00:29:25,111 --> 00:29:25,807
You gotta hang yourself with
1192
00:29:25,808 --> 00:29:28,809
your bed sheets, right?
1193
00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:29,680
It's not the way you want to go,
1194
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:30,420
right, if you have to make that
1195
00:29:30,420 --> 00:29:31,073
choice?
1196
00:29:31,073 --> 00:29:31,987
Hanging yourself with your bed
1197
00:29:31,988 --> 00:29:33,858
sheets, right?
1198
00:29:33,859 --> 00:29:35,598
You have to make that choice.
1199
00:29:35,599 --> 00:29:36,383
That's not the way you want to
1200
00:29:36,384 --> 00:29:38,210
go.
1201
00:29:38,211 --> 00:29:38,994
You don't want that to be your
1202
00:29:38,994 --> 00:29:39,734
only option, right?
1203
00:29:39,734 --> 00:29:40,387
At least maybe you want
1204
00:29:40,387 --> 00:29:41,214
the option to maybe jump off
1205
00:29:41,215 --> 00:29:44,042
the option to maybe jump off
a bridge maybe, you have the...
1206
00:29:44,043 --> 00:29:47,523
a bridge maybe, you have the...
1207
00:29:47,524 --> 00:29:48,742
Huh?
1208
00:29:48,743 --> 00:29:49,526
No, but you know what I mean.
1209
00:29:49,527 --> 00:29:51,397
Like...
1210
00:29:51,398 --> 00:29:53,138
[chuckles]
1211
00:29:53,139 --> 00:29:54,226
At least when you jump off
1212
00:29:54,227 --> 00:29:55,184
a bridge, you know, you get
1213
00:29:55,185 --> 00:29:56,358
that experience, you know?
1214
00:29:56,359 --> 00:29:58,883
You...
1215
00:29:58,884 --> 00:30:00,319
You get that five seconds there
1216
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:01,624
of, like, "Oh, fuck!"
1217
00:30:01,625 --> 00:30:03,931
You know?
1218
00:30:03,932 --> 00:30:05,237
"Maybe I really did want to
1219
00:30:05,238 --> 00:30:07,630
live!
1220
00:30:07,631 --> 00:30:08,936
Maybe if I just jackknife
1221
00:30:08,937 --> 00:30:09,633
a little bit."
1222
00:30:09,634 --> 00:30:11,809
[whimpers]
1223
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:13,462
"What have I gotten myself into
1224
00:30:13,463 --> 00:30:16,465
"What have I gotten myself into
this time?"
1225
00:30:16,466 --> 00:30:21,166
This time?"
1226
00:30:21,167 --> 00:30:21,820
It's awesome.
1227
00:30:21,820 --> 00:30:22,516
We got Justin Bieber here
1228
00:30:22,516 --> 00:30:23,169
tonight.
1229
00:30:23,170 --> 00:30:25,126
How you doing, sir?
1230
00:30:25,127 --> 00:30:26,214
Justin Bieber, ladies and
1231
00:30:26,215 --> 00:30:27,302
gentlemen.
1232
00:30:27,303 --> 00:30:28,434
Justin Bieber, ladies and
1233
00:30:28,435 --> 00:30:30,305
gentlemen.
1234
00:30:30,306 --> 00:30:32,394
Unbelievable.
1235
00:30:32,395 --> 00:30:33,439
Another Canadian coming out to
1236
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:34,093
support me.
1237
00:30:34,094 --> 00:30:37,747
Thank you very much.
1238
00:30:37,748 --> 00:30:38,966
I think they gotta legalize all
1239
00:30:38,967 --> 00:30:44,537
drugs.
1240
00:30:44,538 --> 00:30:45,495
You know, save some money.
1241
00:30:45,495 --> 00:30:46,453
Legalize drugs.
1242
00:30:46,453 --> 00:30:47,410
We don't have to enforce it.
1243
00:30:47,411 --> 00:30:49,759
We don't have to tax it.
1244
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:50,544
I'm not just talking about
1245
00:30:50,544 --> 00:30:51,197
marijuana.
1246
00:30:51,198 --> 00:30:52,371
I'm talking about... I'm talking
1247
00:30:52,372 --> 00:30:53,242
about mushrooms.
1248
00:30:53,243 --> 00:30:54,373
I'm talking about ecstas...
1249
00:30:54,374 --> 00:30:55,027
right?
1250
00:30:55,028 --> 00:30:56,636
I'm talking about ecstasy.
1251
00:30:56,637 --> 00:30:58,072
I'm talking about acid.
1252
00:30:58,073 --> 00:30:59,682
I'm talking about cocaine.
1253
00:30:59,683 --> 00:31:01,206
I'm talking about crack.
1254
00:31:01,207 --> 00:31:01,990
I'm talking about meth.
1255
00:31:01,991 --> 00:31:03,643
Legalize it all, okay?
1256
00:31:03,644 --> 00:31:05,166
I just... I don't see why we feel
1257
00:31:05,167 --> 00:31:06,776
the need to make laws that
1258
00:31:06,777 --> 00:31:07,995
prevent people from doing what
1259
00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:10,215
they want to do to themselves.
1260
00:31:10,216 --> 00:31:11,346
All right?
1261
00:31:11,347 --> 00:31:12,870
I mean, suicide's illegal.
1262
00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,873
I mean, suicide's illegal.
That makes a lot of sense.
1263
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:19,267
That makes a lot of sense.
1264
00:31:19,268 --> 00:31:20,442
Wouldn't want to get charged
1265
00:31:20,443 --> 00:31:24,229
with suicide.
1266
00:31:24,230 --> 00:31:25,273
Wouldn't want that going on my
1267
00:31:25,274 --> 00:31:26,709
record.
1268
00:31:26,710 --> 00:31:27,710
Is that like a deterrent?
1269
00:31:27,711 --> 00:31:29,887
I don't know.
1270
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:31,192
If people want to take cocaine
1271
00:31:31,193 --> 00:31:32,064
till they have a heart attack
1272
00:31:32,064 --> 00:31:32,891
and die, let them.
1273
00:31:32,892 --> 00:31:34,065
It's a tough economy right now.
1274
00:31:34,066 --> 00:31:36,197
There's high unemployment.
1275
00:31:36,198 --> 00:31:37,895
If 50% of the people in this
1276
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:39,374
country O.D.'d on coke and died,
1277
00:31:39,375 --> 00:31:40,072
that would open up the job
1278
00:31:40,072 --> 00:31:40,768
market.
1279
00:31:40,769 --> 00:31:43,639
I need a job, right?
1280
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:44,684
Yeah.
1281
00:31:44,685 --> 00:31:45,859
Cut down on traffic on
1282
00:31:45,860 --> 00:31:47,643
the freeway.
1283
00:31:47,644 --> 00:31:48,906
Make it easier to get a parking
1284
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:50,037
spot at the Walmart.
1285
00:31:50,038 --> 00:31:52,910
I need a fucking job.
1286
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:53,824
Thinking of getting a job in
1287
00:31:53,825 --> 00:31:56,957
the funeral home business.
1288
00:31:56,958 --> 00:31:58,002
That's a good business.
1289
00:31:58,003 --> 00:31:58,917
It's a good business in a tough
1290
00:31:58,917 --> 00:31:59,569
economy.
1291
00:31:59,570 --> 00:32:01,440
They've done studies.
1292
00:32:01,441 --> 00:32:02,528
It's true.
1293
00:32:02,529 --> 00:32:03,921
Go to any small town in America.
1294
00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:04,922
There it is at the edge of town.
1295
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:06,184
The funeral home.
1296
00:32:06,185 --> 00:32:08,751
It's the biggest house in town.
1297
00:32:08,752 --> 00:32:09,666
Looks like the governor's
1298
00:32:09,667 --> 00:32:10,753
mansion.
1299
00:32:10,754 --> 00:32:12,233
It's got Corinthian columns, you
1300
00:32:12,234 --> 00:32:12,931
know, like they're trying to
1301
00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:13,932
entice us.
1302
00:32:13,933 --> 00:32:16,063
You know, I want to die there.
1303
00:32:16,064 --> 00:32:20,938
They've got Corinthian columns.
1304
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,026
Obviously it's a morbid
1305
00:32:22,027 --> 00:32:24,158
occupation.
1306
00:32:24,159 --> 00:32:25,159
You know, the more people that
1307
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:28,597
die, the more money you make.
1308
00:32:28,598 --> 00:32:33,472
"Yeah, we had a good month.
1309
00:32:33,473 --> 00:32:35,517
"Yeah, we had a good month.
Had that school bus crash.
1310
00:32:35,518 --> 00:32:42,960
Had that school bus crash.
1311
00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:43,874
Thinking about getting the new
1312
00:32:43,875 --> 00:32:47,486
Corvette actually.
1313
00:32:47,487 --> 00:32:48,487
Yeah, if they don't get that
1314
00:32:48,488 --> 00:32:50,358
serial rapist-murderer soon, I
1315
00:32:50,359 --> 00:32:51,664
may retile the floors out at
1316
00:32:51,665 --> 00:32:55,102
may retile the floors out at
the lake.
1317
00:32:55,103 --> 00:33:02,022
The lake.
1318
00:33:02,023 --> 00:33:02,937
Let's just hope he doesn't get
1319
00:33:02,937 --> 00:33:03,590
sloppy.
1320
00:33:03,591 --> 00:33:04,677
Sometimes they stop wearing
1321
00:33:04,678 --> 00:33:07,680
sometimes they stop wearing
gloves."
1322
00:33:07,681 --> 00:33:09,377
Gloves."
1323
00:33:09,378 --> 00:33:12,946
[scattered laughter, applause]
1324
00:33:12,947 --> 00:33:13,904
Okay, it's good to see we have
1325
00:33:13,905 --> 00:33:15,644
a few sick fucks like me here
1326
00:33:15,645 --> 00:33:18,647
a few sick fucks like me here
tonight.
1327
00:33:18,648 --> 00:33:22,086
Tonight.
1328
00:33:22,087 --> 00:33:23,087
Somebody said to me before I
1329
00:33:23,088 --> 00:33:24,436
came to Boston, they said, "Have
1330
00:33:24,437 --> 00:33:28,005
a safe flight, Tom."
1331
00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:28,702
Never say that to someone.
1332
00:33:28,702 --> 00:33:29,355
"Have a safe flight."
1333
00:33:29,355 --> 00:33:30,008
Thanks.
1334
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:30,921
Thanks for reminding me that
1335
00:33:30,922 --> 00:33:33,401
it's not safe.
1336
00:33:33,402 --> 00:33:34,446
Thanks for wishing me well on
1337
00:33:34,447 --> 00:33:35,274
something I have no control
1338
00:33:35,274 --> 00:33:35,970
over.
1339
00:33:35,970 --> 00:33:36,623
What, do you want me to take
1340
00:33:36,624 --> 00:33:37,927
a dipstick to the airport, kick
1341
00:33:37,928 --> 00:33:39,103
the fucking tires, check
1342
00:33:39,104 --> 00:33:42,628
the gauges before takeoff?
1343
00:33:42,629 --> 00:33:43,846
I have no control over that.
1344
00:33:43,847 --> 00:33:44,674
"Have a safe flight."
1345
00:33:44,675 --> 00:33:46,023
"Okay, good luck not getting
1346
00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:46,807
brain cancer.
1347
00:33:46,808 --> 00:33:49,809
Brain cancer.
Right back at you, buddy."
1348
00:33:49,810 --> 00:34:02,865
Right back at you, buddy."
1349
00:34:02,866 --> 00:34:04,041
And, man, you know the political
1350
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:05,085
system in this country is
1351
00:34:05,086 --> 00:34:07,087
getting fucked up when half
1352
00:34:07,088 --> 00:34:08,436
the cast of Predator has been
1353
00:34:08,437 --> 00:34:10,830
the cast of Predator has been
elected governor.
1354
00:34:10,831 --> 00:34:14,790
Elected governor.
1355
00:34:14,791 --> 00:34:17,793
Elected governor. [chuckles]
1356
00:34:17,794 --> 00:34:20,753
[chuckles]
1357
00:34:20,754 --> 00:34:23,321
Donald Trump...
1358
00:34:23,322 --> 00:34:29,022
my old boss...
1359
00:34:29,023 --> 00:34:30,719
misled the people of America and
1360
00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:33,592
the world, made them all think
1361
00:34:33,593 --> 00:34:34,767
that he was thinking about
1362
00:34:34,768 --> 00:34:36,290
running for president.
1363
00:34:36,291 --> 00:34:37,249
Everybody's thinking about
1364
00:34:37,250 --> 00:34:38,901
running for president, right?
1365
00:34:38,902 --> 00:34:40,207
He was thinking about running
1366
00:34:40,208 --> 00:34:40,948
for president.
1367
00:34:40,948 --> 00:34:41,557
Of course he was doing this
1368
00:34:41,557 --> 00:34:42,254
'cause he wanted to improve
1369
00:34:42,255 --> 00:34:44,820
the ratings on his show.
1370
00:34:44,821 --> 00:34:46,257
And media, of course, reported
1371
00:34:46,258 --> 00:34:47,867
on it with glee.
1372
00:34:47,868 --> 00:34:51,000
Something to talk about today.
1373
00:34:51,001 --> 00:34:52,045
While he was doing this a few
1374
00:34:52,046 --> 00:34:54,134
months ago, he said,
1375
00:34:54,135 --> 00:34:56,180
"Barack Obama is the worst
1376
00:34:56,181 --> 00:34:57,485
president in the history of
1377
00:34:57,486 --> 00:35:02,403
the United States."
1378
00:35:02,404 --> 00:35:05,493
So the next day, to retaliate,
1379
00:35:05,494 --> 00:35:07,104
Barack Obama kills
1380
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:10,237
Osama bin Laden, right?
1381
00:35:10,238 --> 00:35:13,458
Osama bin Laden, right?
Just like that.
1382
00:35:13,459 --> 00:35:17,592
Just like that.
1383
00:35:17,593 --> 00:35:18,854
Then he makes the announcement
1384
00:35:18,855 --> 00:35:20,247
during that week's episode of
1385
00:35:20,248 --> 00:35:21,509
Celebrity Apprentice, to
1386
00:35:21,510 --> 00:35:25,122
ratings' disaster.
1387
00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:27,994
Well played, sir.
1388
00:35:27,995 --> 00:35:30,692
Well played, sir. Well played.
1389
00:35:30,693 --> 00:35:36,568
Well played.
1390
00:35:36,569 --> 00:35:38,265
Went to an Ethiopian restaurant
1391
00:35:38,266 --> 00:35:41,877
the other day.
1392
00:35:41,878 --> 00:35:44,880
The other day. I was curious.
1393
00:35:44,881 --> 00:35:50,843
I was curious.
1394
00:35:50,844 --> 00:35:51,627
I'd always been under
1395
00:35:51,628 --> 00:35:53,367
the impression they didn't have
1396
00:35:53,368 --> 00:35:56,327
the impression they didn't have
food in Ethiopia.
1397
00:35:56,328 --> 00:36:00,766
Food in Ethiopia.
1398
00:36:00,767 --> 00:36:03,551
Man, the service was slow.
1399
00:36:03,552 --> 00:36:04,510
You know, by the time the waiter
1400
00:36:04,510 --> 00:36:05,337
got to the table, I was
1401
00:36:05,338 --> 00:36:09,557
practically starving.
1402
00:36:09,558 --> 00:36:12,125
The menu was limited, you know?
1403
00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:12,909
They said, "We're all out of
1404
00:36:12,909 --> 00:36:13,693
everything and waiting for
1405
00:36:13,694 --> 00:36:16,782
everything and waiting for
the Red Cross."
1406
00:36:16,783 --> 00:36:21,656
The Red Cross."
1407
00:36:21,657 --> 00:36:23,310
Walt Disney froze his head.
1408
00:36:23,311 --> 00:36:27,009
Walt Disney froze his head.
1409
00:36:27,010 --> 00:36:27,794
He froze his head.
1410
00:36:27,795 --> 00:36:29,011
He put it in a cryogenic
1411
00:36:29,012 --> 00:36:30,448
facility, so he could be brought
1412
00:36:30,449 --> 00:36:31,710
back to life in the future when
1413
00:36:31,711 --> 00:36:32,754
they find a cure for whatever it
1414
00:36:32,755 --> 00:36:33,669
was that killed him, right?
1415
00:36:33,669 --> 00:36:34,496
I think it was cancer that
1416
00:36:34,497 --> 00:36:35,540
killed him, although I'm sure
1417
00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:37,585
the decapitation didn't help,
1418
00:36:37,586 --> 00:36:38,326
right?
1419
00:36:38,327 --> 00:36:40,109
So...
1420
00:36:40,110 --> 00:36:41,110
Just see in, like, 100 years
1421
00:36:41,111 --> 00:36:42,416
from now, some future doctor
1422
00:36:42,417 --> 00:36:43,417
with some future Mrs. Disney,
1423
00:36:43,418 --> 00:36:44,114
"You know, I'm sorry,
1424
00:36:44,114 --> 00:36:44,767
Mrs. Disney.
1425
00:36:44,767 --> 00:36:45,594
You know, we've... we've cured
1426
00:36:45,594 --> 00:36:46,247
cancer.
1427
00:36:46,248 --> 00:36:47,291
We've cured heart disease.
1428
00:36:47,292 --> 00:36:48,422
We've cured kidney disease.
1429
00:36:48,423 --> 00:36:49,597
In fact, pretty much the only
1430
00:36:49,598 --> 00:36:50,685
thing we haven't cured is
1431
00:36:50,686 --> 00:36:53,210
decapitation.
1432
00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:55,516
He really made this hard for us.
1433
00:36:55,517 --> 00:36:56,648
Just going to put the head back
1434
00:36:56,649 --> 00:36:59,651
Just going to put the head back
in the fridge now."
1435
00:36:59,652 --> 00:37:05,831
In the fridge now."
1436
00:37:05,832 --> 00:37:06,615
You know... You know what occurred
1437
00:37:06,615 --> 00:37:07,268
to me?
1438
00:37:07,269 --> 00:37:08,703
There's no cheese in Chinese
1439
00:37:08,704 --> 00:37:13,230
There's no cheese in Chinese
food.
1440
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,535
Food.
1441
00:37:14,536 --> 00:37:15,363
There's no cheese in Chinese
1442
00:37:15,363 --> 00:37:16,059
Food.
1443
00:37:16,059 --> 00:37:16,799
What, the Chinese don't eat
1444
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:17,886
cheese or something like that?
1445
00:37:17,887 --> 00:37:19,061
Right?
1446
00:37:19,062 --> 00:37:20,280
Yeah, they'll eat monkey brain,
1447
00:37:20,281 --> 00:37:21,586
they'll eat shark fin soup,
1448
00:37:21,587 --> 00:37:22,587
they'll eat a boiled tiger
1449
00:37:22,588 --> 00:37:25,198
penis, but no cheese?
1450
00:37:25,199 --> 00:37:26,373
I don't know about you guys, but
1451
00:37:26,374 --> 00:37:27,592
I think a nice, boiled tiger
1452
00:37:27,593 --> 00:37:28,463
penis would be better with
1453
00:37:28,464 --> 00:37:29,768
a little Parmesan, don't you
1454
00:37:29,769 --> 00:37:31,726
think?
1455
00:37:31,727 --> 00:37:36,731
[chuckles]
1456
00:37:36,732 --> 00:37:38,516
Who buys porn magazines anymore?
1457
00:37:38,517 --> 00:37:39,604
The magazines.
1458
00:37:39,605 --> 00:37:40,475
The magazines.
1459
00:37:40,475 --> 00:37:41,259
[cheering]
1460
00:37:41,260 --> 00:37:44,435
The magazines.
1461
00:37:44,436 --> 00:37:45,263
You buy the magazines?
1462
00:37:45,264 --> 00:37:48,352
What, no internet?
1463
00:37:48,353 --> 00:37:49,223
I was in the 7-eleven.
1464
00:37:49,223 --> 00:37:49,876
I'm looking.
1465
00:37:49,877 --> 00:37:51,006
I'm seeing the porn magazines.
1466
00:37:51,007 --> 00:37:51,791
I'm thinking, "Who buys those?"
1467
00:37:51,791 --> 00:37:52,487
And I thought, "It's for
1468
00:37:52,488 --> 00:37:53,661
the homeless, the homeless."
1469
00:37:53,662 --> 00:37:54,533
You know, they have needs,
1470
00:37:54,534 --> 00:37:55,750
right, you know?
1471
00:37:55,751 --> 00:37:56,578
I mean, it's hard getting some
1472
00:37:56,579 --> 00:37:57,926
alone time under the overpass
1473
00:37:57,927 --> 00:37:59,711
obviously.
1474
00:37:59,712 --> 00:38:00,929
Plus you gotta take off your six
1475
00:38:00,930 --> 00:38:03,671
pairs of pants.
1476
00:38:03,672 --> 00:38:04,412
"Hey, you, what are you doing
1477
00:38:04,412 --> 00:38:05,108
there?"
1478
00:38:05,108 --> 00:38:05,761
"Me?"
1479
00:38:05,762 --> 00:38:07,327
[grumbles nervously] "I was just
1480
00:38:07,328 --> 00:38:12,332
eating trash!"
1481
00:38:12,333 --> 00:38:13,073
You gotta come up with
1482
00:38:13,073 --> 00:38:14,030
an excuse, right?
1483
00:38:14,031 --> 00:38:15,204
It's actually less embarrassing
1484
00:38:15,205 --> 00:38:16,815
to get caught eating trash than
1485
00:38:16,816 --> 00:38:18,686
it is to get caught jacking off
1486
00:38:18,687 --> 00:38:20,384
under an overpass.
1487
00:38:20,385 --> 00:38:23,822
They've done studies.
1488
00:38:23,823 --> 00:38:25,519
Who likes porn?
1489
00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:26,216
Come on.
1490
00:38:26,216 --> 00:38:26,869
[cheering]
1491
00:38:26,870 --> 00:38:28,043
Come on, Boston.
1492
00:38:28,044 --> 00:38:29,567
Who likes porn?
1493
00:38:29,568 --> 00:38:31,438
[cheering louder]
1494
00:38:31,439 --> 00:38:32,397
Yeah.
1495
00:38:32,398 --> 00:38:34,180
"Yeah, we like to watch people
1496
00:38:34,181 --> 00:38:35,790
fuck on the computer!"
1497
00:38:35,791 --> 00:38:41,796
Fuck on the computer!"
[blubbering]
1498
00:38:41,797 --> 00:38:45,496
[blubbering]
1499
00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:46,324
I just think we're living in
1500
00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:47,020
a crazy world, man.
1501
00:38:47,020 --> 00:38:47,803
This is what I'm talking about.
1502
00:38:47,803 --> 00:38:48,456
Crazy world.
1503
00:38:48,457 --> 00:38:49,543
The world's gone crazy.
1504
00:38:49,544 --> 00:38:50,415
I think it's... you know, that's
1505
00:38:50,415 --> 00:38:51,111
the thing.
1506
00:38:51,112 --> 00:38:52,677
The internet... we can see
1507
00:38:52,678 --> 00:38:53,721
anything instantly.
1508
00:38:53,722 --> 00:38:54,809
The innocence in our world is
1509
00:38:54,810 --> 00:38:55,463
gone.
1510
00:38:55,464 --> 00:38:56,768
I think we gotta be careful.
1511
00:38:56,769 --> 00:38:57,552
We're giving away too much.
1512
00:38:57,552 --> 00:38:58,379
I don't think we've thought it
1513
00:38:58,379 --> 00:38:59,075
through.
1514
00:38:59,076 --> 00:39:00,641
I liked it better when I was
1515
00:39:00,642 --> 00:39:01,339
a kid.
1516
00:39:01,340 --> 00:39:02,340
They didn't have the internet
1517
00:39:02,341 --> 00:39:03,688
when I was 14 years old when
1518
00:39:03,689 --> 00:39:06,386
porn mattered most.
1519
00:39:06,387 --> 00:39:07,518
You couldn't get a picture of
1520
00:39:07,519 --> 00:39:09,084
a naked woman if you tried, and
1521
00:39:09,085 --> 00:39:10,216
I tried.
1522
00:39:10,217 --> 00:39:12,349
I tried.
1523
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:14,873
It was impossible.
1524
00:39:14,874 --> 00:39:18,137
It was impossible.
It was like a porn drought.
1525
00:39:18,138 --> 00:39:20,357
It was like a porn drought.
1526
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,184
It was just a different thing.
1527
00:39:22,185 --> 00:39:24,186
And you'd have to imagine it.
1528
00:39:24,187 --> 00:39:25,405
You'd have to imagine what
1529
00:39:25,406 --> 00:39:27,364
a naked lady looked like, and
1530
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:29,453
you did.
1531
00:39:29,454 --> 00:39:30,368
You would get excited when
1532
00:39:30,369 --> 00:39:33,544
the Sears catalog arrived.
1533
00:39:33,545 --> 00:39:35,415
You would run to the mailbox,
1534
00:39:35,416 --> 00:39:36,112
okay?
1535
00:39:36,113 --> 00:39:37,330
You'd run to the mailbox, whip
1536
00:39:37,331 --> 00:39:38,245
it open to the brassiere
1537
00:39:38,246 --> 00:39:39,332
section, you know, maybe catch
1538
00:39:39,333 --> 00:39:40,812
an outline of a nipple.
1539
00:39:40,813 --> 00:39:42,074
That was porn.
1540
00:39:42,075 --> 00:39:43,467
And... and they didn't have
1541
00:39:43,468 --> 00:39:44,685
Photoshop back then, right?
1542
00:39:44,686 --> 00:39:45,426
So sometimes there would be
1543
00:39:45,426 --> 00:39:46,384
a little error in there, like
1544
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:47,167
you'd catch a glimpse of some
1545
00:39:47,168 --> 00:39:48,341
camel toe or something like
1546
00:39:48,342 --> 00:39:49,516
that.
1547
00:39:49,517 --> 00:39:51,039
You get some camel toe, that was
1548
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:51,998
a score, okay?
1549
00:39:51,999 --> 00:39:53,302
That was a score.
1550
00:39:53,303 --> 00:39:54,434
That was a "clip that one out,
1551
00:39:54,435 --> 00:39:55,393
keep that one for later."
1552
00:39:55,394 --> 00:39:57,263
That was a score, okay?
1553
00:39:57,264 --> 00:39:58,830
You go to JCPenney catalog.
1554
00:39:58,831 --> 00:40:00,179
The JCPenney catalog was
1555
00:40:00,180 --> 00:40:01,050
the raunch catalog.
1556
00:40:01,050 --> 00:40:01,703
That was the bad lighting and
1557
00:40:01,703 --> 00:40:02,400
shit.
1558
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:03,052
They have
1559
00:40:03,053 --> 00:40:04,053
the methamphetamine-addicted
1560
00:40:04,054 --> 00:40:05,532
models and shit, the toothless
1561
00:40:05,533 --> 00:40:06,881
m..."Give me a swimsuit.
1562
00:40:06,882 --> 00:40:07,969
I'll do whatever the fuck you
1563
00:40:07,970 --> 00:40:08,797
want," you know?
1564
00:40:08,798 --> 00:40:10,668
That was a score.
1565
00:40:10,669 --> 00:40:11,626
And the women back then had
1566
00:40:11,627 --> 00:40:13,235
the big, puffy bushes.
1567
00:40:13,236 --> 00:40:13,976
You go to the lace underwear
1568
00:40:13,976 --> 00:40:14,629
section.
1569
00:40:14,629 --> 00:40:15,369
You know, sometimes there would
1570
00:40:15,370 --> 00:40:16,761
be a little fucking straggler
1571
00:40:16,762 --> 00:40:18,023
making a break for it, you know?
1572
00:40:18,024 --> 00:40:19,764
Ehh, little gremlin, you know?
1573
00:40:19,765 --> 00:40:20,852
Mehh, ehh, little gremlin, you
1574
00:40:20,853 --> 00:40:21,506
know?
1575
00:40:21,507 --> 00:40:23,028
Ehh, don't get it wet.
1576
00:40:23,029 --> 00:40:24,464
Don't feed it after midnight.
1577
00:40:24,465 --> 00:40:26,553
Ehh.
1578
00:40:26,554 --> 00:40:27,641
That doesn't even refer to what
1579
00:40:27,642 --> 00:40:29,208
I was talking about, so...
1580
00:40:29,209 --> 00:40:30,296
He noticed, he noticed.
1581
00:40:30,297 --> 00:40:31,167
He notices everything.
1582
00:40:31,168 --> 00:40:32,341
Yeah.
1583
00:40:32,342 --> 00:40:34,300
That was a score, right?
1584
00:40:34,301 --> 00:40:35,215
That was a "keep that one under
1585
00:40:35,215 --> 00:40:36,172
the mattress for later."
1586
00:40:36,173 --> 00:40:37,695
That was a score.
1587
00:40:37,696 --> 00:40:42,177
Yeah, one of those stragglers.
1588
00:40:42,178 --> 00:40:47,182
Yeah, one of those stragglers.
[chuckles]
1589
00:40:47,183 --> 00:40:49,489
[chuckles]
1590
00:40:49,490 --> 00:40:51,012
Then some kid would always find
1591
00:40:51,013 --> 00:40:53,885
a Penthouse magazine way out in
1592
00:40:53,886 --> 00:40:56,496
the woods.
1593
00:40:56,497 --> 00:40:57,976
Like...
1594
00:40:57,977 --> 00:40:58,977
Like it didn't make any sense.
1595
00:40:58,978 --> 00:41:00,935
It was impossible how it got
1596
00:41:00,936 --> 00:41:02,023
that far into the woods.
1597
00:41:02,024 --> 00:41:03,634
It was impossible.
1598
00:41:03,635 --> 00:41:04,852
It's like some porn fairy left
1599
00:41:04,853 --> 00:41:05,506
it out there.
1600
00:41:05,507 --> 00:41:10,423
It was impossible.
1601
00:41:10,424 --> 00:41:11,251
I remember I was walking through
1602
00:41:11,252 --> 00:41:12,252
the woods with my friend Mark.
1603
00:41:12,252 --> 00:41:13,035
We had our Swiss Army knives
1604
00:41:13,035 --> 00:41:13,688
out.
1605
00:41:13,689 --> 00:41:14,862
You know, we're carving sticks,
1606
00:41:14,863 --> 00:41:16,255
sharpening the ends of trees,
1607
00:41:16,256 --> 00:41:17,648
pretending to be Rambo making
1608
00:41:17,649 --> 00:41:19,258
traps.
1609
00:41:19,259 --> 00:41:20,651
You bend the tree over, you put
1610
00:41:20,652 --> 00:41:21,826
a rock on it.
1611
00:41:21,827 --> 00:41:22,784
You walk away.
1612
00:41:22,784 --> 00:41:23,611
You never hear about the guy
1613
00:41:23,612 --> 00:41:24,785
that gets blinded two weeks
1614
00:41:24,786 --> 00:41:27,135
later just... just having fun in
1615
00:41:27,136 --> 00:41:28,007
the woods.
1616
00:41:28,008 --> 00:41:30,965
The woods.
Boys will be boys, huh?
1617
00:41:30,966 --> 00:41:35,535
Boys will be boys, huh?
1618
00:41:35,536 --> 00:41:38,495
Remember we were standing there.
1619
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,932
Remember the sun was coming down
1620
00:41:40,933 --> 00:41:43,630
through the trees and hitting
1621
00:41:43,631 --> 00:41:46,720
the ground, and there it was,
1622
00:41:46,721 --> 00:41:49,418
jutting out from under a rock...
1623
00:41:49,419 --> 00:41:51,682
the Penthouse logo.
1624
00:41:51,683 --> 00:41:52,510
I couldn't believe it.
1625
00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:53,162
I saw it.
1626
00:41:53,163 --> 00:41:54,293
My friend Mark saw it.
1627
00:41:54,294 --> 00:41:55,512
He saw that I saw it.
1628
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:56,513
I saw that he saw it.
1629
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:57,471
I ran for that thing.
1630
00:41:57,472 --> 00:41:58,515
I got there first.
1631
00:41:58,516 --> 00:41:59,603
I had it in my hands.
1632
00:41:59,604 --> 00:42:00,387
He grabs it.
1633
00:42:00,388 --> 00:42:01,474
He's pulling it.
1634
00:42:01,475 --> 00:42:02,519
The things breaks in half,
1635
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:03,607
right?
1636
00:42:03,608 --> 00:42:04,738
I turn around, my friend Mark is
1637
00:42:04,739 --> 00:42:06,523
gone.
1638
00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:09,134
Instantly gone.
1639
00:42:09,135 --> 00:42:09,831
Didn't see him again for
1640
00:42:09,832 --> 00:42:11,919
a month.
1641
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:13,138
Didn't go home.
1642
00:42:13,139 --> 00:42:14,487
He was jacking off in a hollow
1643
00:42:14,488 --> 00:42:17,403
log for a month, right?
1644
00:42:17,404 --> 00:42:18,361
Having a gang bang with
1645
00:42:18,362 --> 00:42:19,840
Smurfette at Gargamel's castle
1646
00:42:19,841 --> 00:42:23,540
for a month.
1647
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:24,411
I remember I had these... I
1648
00:42:24,412 --> 00:42:25,672
remember I had these 15 pages of
1649
00:42:25,673 --> 00:42:26,673
a Penthouse magazine.
1650
00:42:26,674 --> 00:42:27,414
I remember I was flipping
1651
00:42:27,415 --> 00:42:28,545
through it, seeing things I'd
1652
00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:29,633
never seen before in my entire
1653
00:42:29,634 --> 00:42:31,548
life, right?
1654
00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:32,636
Maybe the pages were all stuck
1655
00:42:32,637 --> 00:42:38,163
together from the rain.
1656
00:42:38,164 --> 00:42:42,036
It was rain.
1657
00:42:42,037 --> 00:42:43,081
I couldn't believe it, man.
1658
00:42:43,082 --> 00:42:44,169
This... it was such an innocent
1659
00:42:44,170 --> 00:42:44,823
world though, right?
1660
00:42:44,824 --> 00:42:45,953
I was afraid to have this in my
1661
00:42:45,954 --> 00:42:46,651
possession.
1662
00:42:46,652 --> 00:42:47,738
This was the most contraband
1663
00:42:47,739 --> 00:42:48,782
thing I'd ever had in my life.
1664
00:42:48,783 --> 00:42:49,654
I would've been less nervous if
1665
00:42:49,654 --> 00:42:50,524
I'd found a kilo of coke, you
1666
00:42:50,524 --> 00:42:51,177
know?
1667
00:42:51,178 --> 00:42:52,178
I would've..."Hey, guys, look
1668
00:42:52,179 --> 00:42:53,526
what I found," you know?
1669
00:42:53,527 --> 00:42:54,223
I had it under my shirt.
1670
00:42:54,223 --> 00:42:55,050
I hadn't even left the woods
1671
00:42:55,051 --> 00:42:56,094
yet, you know?
1672
00:42:56,095 --> 00:42:57,182
The forest animals are looking
1673
00:42:57,183 --> 00:43:01,229
at me judgmentally.
1674
00:43:01,230 --> 00:43:01,927
Just had to get home.
1675
00:43:01,928 --> 00:43:02,970
Kids are playing road hockey on
1676
00:43:02,971 --> 00:43:03,711
the street..."Tommy!"
1677
00:43:03,712 --> 00:43:07,018
"Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!"
1678
00:43:07,019 --> 00:43:07,672
Just had to get home.
1679
00:43:07,672 --> 00:43:08,368
I had to get down to
1680
00:43:08,368 --> 00:43:09,021
the basement.
1681
00:43:09,021 --> 00:43:09,761
Had to get down to the basement
1682
00:43:09,761 --> 00:43:10,457
behind the furnace.
1683
00:43:10,457 --> 00:43:11,153
Had to get down to the basement
1684
00:43:11,153 --> 00:43:11,806
behind the furnace.
1685
00:43:11,806 --> 00:43:12,590
Had to get down to the basement
1686
00:43:12,591 --> 00:43:13,633
behind the furnace.
1687
00:43:13,634 --> 00:43:14,330
We did not have a circular
1688
00:43:14,330 --> 00:43:14,983
staircase.
1689
00:43:14,984 --> 00:43:18,986
Staircase.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
1690
00:43:18,987 --> 00:43:21,902
I don't know why I'm doing this.
1691
00:43:21,903 --> 00:43:22,774
It was just such an innocent
1692
00:43:22,774 --> 00:43:23,470
time.
1693
00:43:23,470 --> 00:43:24,384
You're down there behind
1694
00:43:24,385 --> 00:43:26,385
the furnace with the 15
1695
00:43:26,386 --> 00:43:28,039
tattered pages of a Penthouse
1696
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:28,693
magazine.
1697
00:43:28,694 --> 00:43:29,694
You got the iron out.
1698
00:43:29,694 --> 00:43:30,651
You're ironing it like you're
1699
00:43:30,652 --> 00:43:31,869
restoring a painting, you know?
1700
00:43:31,870 --> 00:43:35,133
You're...
1701
00:43:35,134 --> 00:43:38,266
just gotta be...
1702
00:43:38,267 --> 00:43:40,660
just gotta be quiet.
1703
00:43:40,661 --> 00:43:43,489
Your parents are upstairs
1704
00:43:43,490 --> 00:43:46,623
creaking on the wood floors.
1705
00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:49,626
[whispering] "Shh, shh.
1706
00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:52,629
[whispering] "Shh, shh.
Gotta be quiet.
1707
00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:59,853
Gotta be quiet.
1708
00:43:59,854 --> 00:44:04,945
Shh, shh."
1709
00:44:04,946 --> 00:44:09,950
It's like you were in Das Boot.
1710
00:44:09,951 --> 00:44:11,256
It's a submarine movie...
1711
00:44:11,257 --> 00:44:11,910
Das Boot.
1712
00:44:11,911 --> 00:44:15,129
They do...
1713
00:44:15,130 --> 00:44:16,261
Das Boot was the German
1714
00:44:16,262 --> 00:44:17,305
submarine movie.
1715
00:44:17,306 --> 00:44:18,480
The Hunt for Red October was
1716
00:44:18,481 --> 00:44:20,308
the Russian submarine movie.
1717
00:44:20,309 --> 00:44:21,267
Uh, you can tell the difference
1718
00:44:21,268 --> 00:44:22,702
'cause I-in Das Boot, some of
1719
00:44:22,703 --> 00:44:24,008
them are wearing jeans.
1720
00:44:24,009 --> 00:44:28,099
Them are wearing jeans. Um...
1721
00:44:28,100 --> 00:44:30,101
Um...
1722
00:44:30,102 --> 00:44:33,191
Oh, you know, but...
1723
00:44:33,192 --> 00:44:34,671
I miss that.
1724
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:35,368
I really do.
1725
00:44:35,369 --> 00:44:37,021
I miss that... that innocence,
1726
00:44:37,022 --> 00:44:38,370
right?
1727
00:44:38,371 --> 00:44:39,371
Seeing things like that for
1728
00:44:39,372 --> 00:44:41,547
the first time, you know?
1729
00:44:41,548 --> 00:44:42,940
Now you got 15-year-olds having
1730
00:44:42,941 --> 00:44:44,332
their first sexual experience
1731
00:44:44,333 --> 00:44:45,682
looking at two girls, one cup.
1732
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:47,466
It's disgusting.
1733
00:44:47,467 --> 00:44:49,598
What is happening to us, right?
1734
00:44:49,599 --> 00:44:50,948
You know, people are addicted to
1735
00:44:50,949 --> 00:44:52,471
the porn.
1736
00:44:52,472 --> 00:44:53,690
You know, I kept that thing for
1737
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:56,649
ten years, man.
1738
00:44:56,650 --> 00:45:00,218
I still have it actually, but...
1739
00:45:00,219 --> 00:45:01,523
Now you got people addicted to
1740
00:45:01,524 --> 00:45:02,177
pornography.
1741
00:45:02,177 --> 00:45:02,830
They can't.
1742
00:45:02,830 --> 00:45:03,701
They gotta watch more and more.
1743
00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:04,658
They can't, can't, can't get
1744
00:45:04,658 --> 00:45:05,528
enough of the stuff.
1745
00:45:05,529 --> 00:45:06,529
You know, "I like watching
1746
00:45:06,529 --> 00:45:07,313
threesomes."
1747
00:45:07,314 --> 00:45:08,617
"Oh, I like watching gang
1748
00:45:08,618 --> 00:45:09,358
bangs."
1749
00:45:09,359 --> 00:45:10,750
"Oh, I like watching MILF gang
1750
00:45:10,751 --> 00:45:11,795
bangs."
1751
00:45:11,796 --> 00:45:12,710
"Oh, I don't really get off
1752
00:45:12,711 --> 00:45:14,101
unless there's a triple homicide
1753
00:45:14,102 --> 00:45:15,973
involved myself, right?
1754
00:45:15,974 --> 00:45:18,323
Triplehomicidegangbangmilf.com,
1755
00:45:18,324 --> 00:45:22,283
$5.95 a month is my fetish."
1756
00:45:22,284 --> 00:45:23,415
The hell's wrong with us?
1757
00:45:23,416 --> 00:45:24,546
What the hell is wrong with us?
1758
00:45:24,547 --> 00:45:25,765
What's happening to us, right?
1759
00:45:25,766 --> 00:45:26,940
We're living in this world that
1760
00:45:26,941 --> 00:45:29,508
just rewards bad behavior.
1761
00:45:29,509 --> 00:45:31,858
We love watching people fail.
1762
00:45:31,859 --> 00:45:33,599
Seems today like celebrities...
1763
00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:34,948
They gotta do more and more
1764
00:45:34,949 --> 00:45:36,210
outrageous things to stay
1765
00:45:36,211 --> 00:45:37,038
relevant, you know?
1766
00:45:37,039 --> 00:45:38,560
Get a DUI, get caught
1767
00:45:38,561 --> 00:45:40,214
shoplifting, hump a dead moose.
1768
00:45:40,215 --> 00:45:43,478
What's wrong with these people?
1769
00:45:43,479 --> 00:45:48,005
What the hell is wrong?
1770
00:45:48,006 --> 00:45:49,310
Used to be if you were 16 and
1771
00:45:49,311 --> 00:45:50,398
pregnant, you'd get in trouble.
1772
00:45:50,399 --> 00:45:54,098
Now you get a TV show.
1773
00:45:54,099 --> 00:45:55,056
Now you're from the Jersey
1774
00:45:55,057 --> 00:45:56,404
Shore, you're mildly retarded,
1775
00:45:56,405 --> 00:45:59,538
you're an instant millionaire.
1776
00:45:59,539 --> 00:46:00,669
You know, the thing is I started
1777
00:46:00,670 --> 00:46:01,584
out my little public access
1778
00:46:01,584 --> 00:46:02,237
show.
1779
00:46:02,237 --> 00:46:02,890
I was a kid.
1780
00:46:02,891 --> 00:46:04,630
I took television broadcasting
1781
00:46:04,631 --> 00:46:06,545
at Algonquin College named after
1782
00:46:06,546 --> 00:46:08,155
the Algonquin Indians, who were
1783
00:46:08,156 --> 00:46:12,856
also great broadcasters, okay?
1784
00:46:12,857 --> 00:46:14,031
Smoke signals, you know,
1785
00:46:14,032 --> 00:46:18,557
earliest form of broadcasting.
1786
00:46:18,558 --> 00:46:20,602
I, uh... I painted my parents'
1787
00:46:20,603 --> 00:46:21,865
house plaid and filmed their
1788
00:46:21,866 --> 00:46:25,869
reactions.
1789
00:46:25,870 --> 00:46:26,957
Early '90s.
1790
00:46:26,958 --> 00:46:28,262
We did the show... I did the show
1791
00:46:28,263 --> 00:46:29,568
for seven years before it got
1792
00:46:29,569 --> 00:46:30,917
picked up by MTV in Canada.
1793
00:46:30,918 --> 00:46:31,789
No one knew about it.
1794
00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:32,746
I was living in my parents'
1795
00:46:32,747 --> 00:46:33,877
basement just trying to figure
1796
00:46:33,878 --> 00:46:34,704
out what I was going to do with
1797
00:46:34,705 --> 00:46:36,096
my life, you know?
1798
00:46:36,097 --> 00:46:37,968
I... I painted lesbian pornography
1799
00:46:37,969 --> 00:46:40,013
on the hood of my parents' car.
1800
00:46:40,014 --> 00:46:41,667
Right?
1801
00:46:41,668 --> 00:46:45,845
The slut-mobile.
1802
00:46:45,846 --> 00:46:47,151
[chuckles] Dad came out.
1803
00:46:47,152 --> 00:46:48,369
There were sluts on his car.
1804
00:46:48,370 --> 00:46:50,284
He's like, "Jesus Christ."
1805
00:46:50,285 --> 00:46:51,764
Got a video camera in his face.
1806
00:46:51,765 --> 00:46:52,679
He couldn't take the slut-mobile
1807
00:46:52,679 --> 00:46:53,332
to work.
1808
00:46:53,333 --> 00:46:54,375
He had to take the bus to work,
1809
00:46:54,376 --> 00:46:55,029
right?
1810
00:46:55,030 --> 00:46:56,334
I followed him to the bus stop
1811
00:46:56,335 --> 00:46:57,726
in the slut-mobile with the video
1812
00:46:57,727 --> 00:46:58,511
camera.
1813
00:46:58,511 --> 00:46:59,468
All the neighbors are looking at
1814
00:46:59,469 --> 00:47:00,599
the sluts on his car.
1815
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:01,992
You know, J...
1816
00:47:01,993 --> 00:47:04,211
We had a good time.
1817
00:47:04,212 --> 00:47:05,473
That's just amazing to me, you
1818
00:47:05,474 --> 00:47:06,518
know, I'm doing this little show
1819
00:47:06,519 --> 00:47:07,998
on public access TV.
1820
00:47:07,999 --> 00:47:09,434
And MTV picked it up, and it
1821
00:47:09,435 --> 00:47:10,349
changed my life.
1822
00:47:10,350 --> 00:47:12,132
And I really gotta thank MTV for
1823
00:47:12,133 --> 00:47:13,177
that, 'cause if they hadn't
1824
00:47:13,178 --> 00:47:14,961
picked up that little show, I'm
1825
00:47:14,962 --> 00:47:15,920
sure a lot of y'all wouldn't
1826
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:16,834
have seen it, and I wouldn't
1827
00:47:16,835 --> 00:47:18,399
have the privilege of being here
1828
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:19,705
and performing for you in Boston
1829
00:47:19,706 --> 00:47:24,884
tonight, so...
1830
00:47:24,885 --> 00:47:27,452
[mutters indistinctly]
1831
00:47:27,453 --> 00:47:28,540
Daddy, would you like some
1832
00:47:28,541 --> 00:47:29,584
sausage?
1833
00:47:29,585 --> 00:47:30,585
Daddy, would you like some
1834
00:47:30,586 --> 00:47:31,630
sausage?
1835
00:47:31,631 --> 00:47:32,588
Daddy, would you like some
1836
00:47:32,589 --> 00:47:35,982
sausage?
1837
00:47:35,983 --> 00:47:36,897
That's from my movie
1838
00:47:36,898 --> 00:47:38,463
Freddy Got Fingered.
1839
00:47:38,464 --> 00:47:42,771
[cheers and applause]
1840
00:47:42,772 --> 00:47:44,556
Freddy Got Fingered...
1841
00:47:44,557 --> 00:47:46,863
The most critically reviled film
1842
00:47:46,864 --> 00:47:48,821
in the history of cinema.
1843
00:47:48,822 --> 00:47:49,692
But you cheer.
1844
00:47:49,693 --> 00:47:51,084
You cheer when I say, "Daddy,
1845
00:47:51,085 --> 00:47:52,694
would you like some sausage?"
1846
00:47:52,695 --> 00:47:54,000
That makes a lot of sense,
1847
00:47:54,001 --> 00:47:56,176
right?
1848
00:47:56,177 --> 00:47:57,438
Thank you.
1849
00:47:57,439 --> 00:47:58,483
Yeah, I'm thinking of doing
1850
00:47:58,484 --> 00:48:01,007
a sequel actually for...
1851
00:48:01,008 --> 00:48:03,749
Yeah.
1852
00:48:03,750 --> 00:48:07,274
Freddy Got Fisted.
1853
00:48:07,275 --> 00:48:08,059
I'm the backwards man,
1854
00:48:08,059 --> 00:48:09,016
the backwards man.
1855
00:48:09,016 --> 00:48:09,887
Backwards man, the backwards
1856
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:10,583
man.
1857
00:48:10,583 --> 00:48:11,366
I can walk backwards fast as you
1858
00:48:11,366 --> 00:48:12,019
can.
1859
00:48:12,020 --> 00:48:13,106
I can walk backwards fast as you
1860
00:48:13,107 --> 00:48:15,456
can.
1861
00:48:15,457 --> 00:48:16,805
I moved to Los Angeles.
1862
00:48:16,806 --> 00:48:17,894
I got the opportunity to make
1863
00:48:17,895 --> 00:48:18,591
a movie.
1864
00:48:18,592 --> 00:48:19,678
I'm like, "Uh, what am I going
1865
00:48:19,679 --> 00:48:20,332
to do here?
1866
00:48:20,333 --> 00:48:21,333
Look at me!
1867
00:48:21,334 --> 00:48:25,031
I'm wearing my cheese helmet!"
1868
00:48:25,032 --> 00:48:26,424
What the fuck was I thinking,
1869
00:48:26,425 --> 00:48:29,862
man?
1870
00:48:29,863 --> 00:48:31,168
The fuck was I thinking?
1871
00:48:31,169 --> 00:48:32,996
"Listen to my hooves.
1872
00:48:32,997 --> 00:48:35,346
Listen to my hooves.
1873
00:48:35,347 --> 00:48:37,478
Listen to them cloppety-clop.
1874
00:48:37,479 --> 00:48:40,525
Listen to them cloppety-clop."
1875
00:48:40,526 --> 00:48:46,096
What the fuck was I thinking?
1876
00:48:46,097 --> 00:48:47,488
"My bum is on the cheese.
1877
00:48:47,489 --> 00:48:51,449
My bum is on the cheese.
1878
00:48:51,450 --> 00:48:52,798
If I get lucky, I'll get
1879
00:48:52,799 --> 00:48:56,715
a disease."
1880
00:48:56,716 --> 00:48:57,803
It's like, two weeks after I
1881
00:48:57,804 --> 00:48:58,804
wrote that song, I got
1882
00:48:58,805 --> 00:49:01,807
wrote that song, I got
testicular cancer.
1883
00:49:01,808 --> 00:49:10,729
Testicular cancer.
1884
00:49:10,730 --> 00:49:12,035
I know, maybe not the right time
1885
00:49:12,036 --> 00:49:13,036
to bring it up, you know, but,
1886
00:49:13,037 --> 00:49:15,734
uh, I bring it up because I did
1887
00:49:15,735 --> 00:49:17,388
a documentary for MTV about my
1888
00:49:17,389 --> 00:49:18,389
battle with cancer.
1889
00:49:18,390 --> 00:49:19,738
And of lot of people saw it, so
1890
00:49:19,739 --> 00:49:21,392
n...
1891
00:49:21,393 --> 00:49:25,526
Yeah.
1892
00:49:25,527 --> 00:49:26,701
So now whenever I enter a room
1893
00:49:26,702 --> 00:49:27,876
like this, everybody looks at me
1894
00:49:27,877 --> 00:49:28,704
and says, "There's
1895
00:49:28,705 --> 00:49:32,403
and says, "There's
the uniballer."
1896
00:49:32,404 --> 00:49:38,713
The uniballer."
1897
00:49:38,714 --> 00:49:39,845
Sometimes I think about my
1898
00:49:39,846 --> 00:49:42,848
battle with cancer, and I think
1899
00:49:42,849 --> 00:49:43,806
I wouldn't trade it for
1900
00:49:43,807 --> 00:49:46,808
I wouldn't trade it for
anything.
1901
00:49:46,809 --> 00:49:51,770
Anything.
1902
00:49:51,771 --> 00:49:53,032
Then I think, "No, I'd trade it
1903
00:49:53,033 --> 00:49:56,035
Then I think, "No, I'd trade it
for my right testicle."
1904
00:49:56,036 --> 00:50:03,347
For my right testicle."
1905
00:50:03,348 --> 00:50:05,349
Wouldn't mind getting that back.
1906
00:50:05,350 --> 00:50:07,525
[chuckles]
1907
00:50:07,526 --> 00:50:08,613
The doctor asked me if I wanted
1908
00:50:08,614 --> 00:50:09,962
to get one of those fake balls.
1909
00:50:09,963 --> 00:50:10,746
I'm like, "That's so cliche,
1910
00:50:10,746 --> 00:50:11,399
man.
1911
00:50:11,399 --> 00:50:12,226
Everyone's getting these fake
1912
00:50:12,227 --> 00:50:15,315
nuts these days."
1913
00:50:15,316 --> 00:50:16,187
I do want to tell you guys
1914
00:50:16,188 --> 00:50:19,885
something about my ball.
1915
00:50:19,886 --> 00:50:21,843
It hangs directly in the middle.
1916
00:50:21,844 --> 00:50:24,846
It hangs directly in the middle.
Mrohh.
1917
00:50:24,847 --> 00:50:28,850
Mrohh.
1918
00:50:28,851 --> 00:50:30,200
Tickles when you touch it.
1919
00:50:30,201 --> 00:50:35,857
Mrahh.
1920
00:50:35,858 --> 00:50:39,426
And it can still ejaculate!
1921
00:50:39,427 --> 00:50:40,819
Come on, Boston.
1922
00:50:40,820 --> 00:50:42,342
Come on, Boston!
1923
00:50:42,343 --> 00:50:47,608
I... can... still... ejaculate!
1924
00:50:47,609 --> 00:50:50,176
I can still ejaculate.
1925
00:50:50,177 --> 00:50:53,005
I can still ejaculate!
1926
00:50:53,006 --> 00:50:57,096
Just a little.
1927
00:50:57,097 --> 00:50:59,098
I froze my sperm in a cryogenic
1928
00:50:59,099 --> 00:51:00,317
facility as backup.
1929
00:51:00,318 --> 00:51:01,361
I'm like the Walt Disney of
1930
00:51:01,362 --> 00:51:02,971
jizz, okay?
1931
00:51:02,972 --> 00:51:04,451
My friends call me Walt Jizzney.
1932
00:51:04,452 --> 00:51:07,063
I, uh... I figured out the cause
1933
00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:08,412
of testicular cancer.
1934
00:51:08,413 --> 00:51:09,153
You won't read this in
1935
00:51:09,153 --> 00:51:10,067
the medical books.
1936
00:51:10,068 --> 00:51:11,328
The doctors won't tell you this.
1937
00:51:11,329 --> 00:51:12,112
This is based on my own
1938
00:51:12,112 --> 00:51:12,808
research.
1939
00:51:12,809 --> 00:51:14,548
The cause of testicular cancer
1940
00:51:14,549 --> 00:51:15,593
is masturbation.
1941
00:51:15,594 --> 00:51:18,335
Start panicking now, guys.
1942
00:51:18,336 --> 00:51:19,684
It's definitely masturbation.
1943
00:51:19,685 --> 00:51:20,815
As a teenager, I was a "much
1944
00:51:20,816 --> 00:51:21,860
higher than average frequency"
1945
00:51:21,861 --> 00:51:23,166
"jacker offer," okay?
1946
00:51:23,167 --> 00:51:24,167
It's one of the few things I
1947
00:51:24,168 --> 00:51:25,516
excelled at, you know?
1948
00:51:25,517 --> 00:51:26,647
There's so much DNA in
1949
00:51:26,648 --> 00:51:27,562
the basement where I grew up,
1950
00:51:27,563 --> 00:51:29,085
you could clone me.
1951
00:51:29,086 --> 00:51:30,869
My... my dad would come down to
1952
00:51:30,870 --> 00:51:31,740
wake me up in the morning.
1953
00:51:31,741 --> 00:51:34,438
He'd be wearing a hazmat suit.
1954
00:51:34,439 --> 00:51:35,179
It's like... you know how you
1955
00:51:35,180 --> 00:51:36,180
remember where you were and what
1956
00:51:36,181 --> 00:51:37,310
you were doing when major events
1957
00:51:37,311 --> 00:51:38,311
happened in the world, like when
1958
00:51:38,312 --> 00:51:39,183
Reagan got shot?
1959
00:51:39,183 --> 00:51:40,097
I remember what I was doing.
1960
00:51:40,098 --> 00:51:43,273
I was jacking off, right?
1961
00:51:43,274 --> 00:51:44,188
You guys have been awesome
1962
00:51:44,188 --> 00:51:45,102
tonight, and I just wanted to
1963
00:51:45,103 --> 00:51:48,408
say thank you, thank you, thank
1964
00:51:48,409 --> 00:51:50,497
you.
1965
00:51:50,498 --> 00:51:51,759
[chuckles]
1966
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:52,804
Thank you.
1967
00:51:52,805 --> 00:51:58,810
Thank you. [cheers and applause]
1968
00:51:58,811 --> 00:52:00,899
[cheers and applause]
1969
00:52:00,900 --> 00:52:02,509
I couldn't be prouder to film my
1970
00:52:02,510 --> 00:52:03,858
first comedy special in your
1971
00:52:03,859 --> 00:52:04,946
beautiful town.
1972
00:52:04,947 --> 00:52:10,126
And, uh, you know...
1973
00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:11,127
You know, and I will say,
1974
00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:12,737
sincerely, you know, ten years
1975
00:52:12,738 --> 00:52:14,217
ago, the doctor... he looked at
1976
00:52:14,218 --> 00:52:15,827
me, and he said, "Tom, you've
1977
00:52:15,828 --> 00:52:17,524
got testicular cancer.
1978
00:52:17,525 --> 00:52:19,135
But don't worry about it.
1979
00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,527
There's a 90% chance you're
1980
00:52:20,528 --> 00:52:22,138
going to live."
1981
00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:23,617
And I looked at the doctor, and
1982
00:52:23,618 --> 00:52:26,664
I said, "I'm fucking dead,"
1983
00:52:26,665 --> 00:52:27,318
right?
1984
00:52:27,319 --> 00:52:29,275
And I meant it, right?
1985
00:52:29,276 --> 00:52:30,363
And I did something I'd never
1986
00:52:30,364 --> 00:52:32,148
done before in my entire life.
1987
00:52:32,149 --> 00:52:34,193
I found myself praying to God
1988
00:52:34,194 --> 00:52:37,414
for real, like he's a real guy
1989
00:52:37,415 --> 00:52:39,155
who is listening to me.
1990
00:52:39,156 --> 00:52:40,069
And he's going to do what I'm
1991
00:52:40,070 --> 00:52:42,158
asking him to do, which is allow
1992
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:42,855
me to live.
1993
00:52:42,856 --> 00:52:44,638
And I'm alive, and I'll tell
1994
00:52:44,639 --> 00:52:45,423
you, after you go through
1995
00:52:45,424 --> 00:52:46,640
something like that... after you
1996
00:52:46,641 --> 00:52:48,947
beat cancer, it makes sweet
1997
00:52:48,948 --> 00:52:50,340
nights like tonight in Boston
1998
00:52:50,341 --> 00:52:52,516
that much sweeter, okay?
1999
00:52:52,517 --> 00:52:55,127
So stay positive.
2000
00:52:55,128 --> 00:52:59,958
Enjoy every second, man, 'cause
2001
00:52:59,959 --> 00:53:01,916
I'm alive, and we're all alive.
2002
00:53:01,917 --> 00:53:03,266
We're the people in Boston that
2003
00:53:03,267 --> 00:53:04,789
are still alive, so let's
2004
00:53:04,790 --> 00:53:07,270
fucking party tonight, man.
2005
00:53:07,271 --> 00:53:08,228
Good night, everybody.
2006
00:53:08,228 --> 00:53:08,968
You've been awesome.
2007
00:53:08,968 --> 00:53:09,664
Thank you very much.
2008
00:53:09,664 --> 00:53:10,317
I love you.
2009
00:53:10,318 --> 00:53:16,279
I love you.
[cheers and applause]
2010
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:19,543
[cheers and applause]
2011
00:53:19,544 --> 00:53:20,544
[Limp Bizkit's Shotgun]
2012
00:53:20,545 --> 00:53:28,552
[Limp Bizkit's Shotgun]
2013
00:53:28,553 --> 00:53:43,240
♪
2014
00:53:43,241 --> 00:53:44,221
♪ What you gonna do ♪
2015
00:53:44,221 --> 00:53:45,091
♪ When you're sittin' ♪
2016
00:53:45,091 --> 00:53:45,961
♪ All alone ♪
2017
00:53:45,962 --> 00:53:47,266
♪ In your empty-ass home ♪
2018
00:53:47,267 --> 00:53:48,225
♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪
2019
00:53:48,226 --> 00:53:50,574
♪ Sawed-off? ♪
2020
00:53:50,575 --> 00:53:52,358
♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪
2021
00:53:52,359 --> 00:53:53,838
♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪
2022
00:53:53,839 --> 00:53:54,926
♪ Off the rock ship ♪
2023
00:53:54,927 --> 00:53:55,927
♪ What you gonna do ♪
2024
00:53:55,928 --> 00:53:56,755
♪ When you're sittin' ♪
2025
00:53:56,755 --> 00:53:57,495
♪ All alone ♪
2026
00:53:57,496 --> 00:53:58,930
♪ In your empty-ass home ♪
2027
00:53:58,931 --> 00:54:00,018
♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪
2028
00:54:00,019 --> 00:54:02,238
♪ Sawed-off? ♪
2029
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:05,241
♪ Sawed-off?
Pop off the rock ship ♪
2030
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:11,029
♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪
2031
00:54:11,030 --> 00:54:12,857
♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪
2032
00:54:12,858 --> 00:54:14,293
♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪
2033
00:54:14,294 --> 00:54:17,296
♪ Pop, pop, p-pop
off the rock ship ♪
2034
00:54:17,297 --> 00:54:22,736
♪ Off the rock ship ♪
2035
00:54:22,737 --> 00:54:24,608
♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪
2036
00:54:24,609 --> 00:54:26,044
♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪
2037
00:54:26,045 --> 00:54:28,090
♪ Pop, pop, p-pop
off the rock ship ♪
121000
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