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Denver, Colorado,
are you ready for a show?

You know him, you love him.

Please welcome to the stage

Tim Dillon.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, Denver.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Denver.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

That's enough. That's enough.

I like Denver

-because everybody's so athletic…

…and good-looking. It's true.

But when you look in their eyes,
something's wrong.

You know what I mean?

There's just something off about them.

There's a glaze about them.

"You wanna go up to the mountain?"

"No, I don't. No, I don't."

"No, I do not."

I grew up white trash.

And I know, Colorado,
you're like, "What's that?"

How could you relate?

We were… We were white trash.

We were so white trash,
we used to go to Pizza Hut and dine in.

-We ate inside of a Pizza Hut.

And if you've been there,
you know you're the only family there,

and there's just a mentally challenged guy
with a fake vacuum.

They only give that to him
so he doesn't touch himself,

and it doesn't work.

He gets in there.

Pizza Hut has a salad bar.

It's just a bowl of ranch dressing.
People just dunk their head right in.

And then go right back to their seat.

And my parents would bring me there
to quiz me about school.

My mother's like, "You're failing math."

I have half a stuffed-crust pizza in me.
I'm like…

"We're all failing."

"We're in Pizza Hut at00 p.m."

"That's not even a meal.
We're gonna eat later, you sick bitch."

"I'm your only son.
What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Now we want woke fast food.

That's the goal.

That's the goal. Used to be healthcare.

A few years ago, we're like,
"We'd like healthcare."

The government's like, "Yeah, what kind?"

Fuck. Sh…

Fuck. Something with an H? I don't…

Now we're just gonna settle
for politically correct poison.

Let's make sure IHOP
is on the right side of history.

There's all these debates now
between the fast food companies.

"Where does Chick-fil-A stand on fisting?"

Who gives a fuck?

Get the sandwich and go home.

It's a drive-through.
You're supposed to drive through

and not even admit you were there.

When's the last time
you left a drive-through and you're like,

"I hope I'm on the same page
with all of them"?

"I hope the gnarled hand
giving me that quesadilla

shares my values."

"Does that bearded woman with an eye patch
feel the same way I do about Israel?"

"If not, I'm throwing this sandwich
on the floor."

There's only one political question

that is appropriate
when it comes to fast food.

"Is the sauce in the bag?"

That's it.

That's it.

That is it.

I don't care if you're a neo-Nazi.
You work at Sonic.

How much damage can you do?

I don't care if you're denying
the Holocaust as I pull up to the window.

I'll ignore you.

The window opens.
You're like, "It wasn't really six mil--"

"Are there six sauces in the bag?"

"Thank you." And get out of there.

Papa John.

Papa John said the N-word.
That's not good.

But it's not false advertising

because the Venn diagram
of people who eat Papa John's

and people who use that word…

One circle.

That is market research.

They call you up. "What'd you have
for dinner tonight? Papa's? Okay."

"Say it." They know.

They know who their people are.

If you heard what they were saying
at Little Caesars,

you would beg them to use racial slurs

because they're talking about
using food they found on the floor.

I ate in Little Caesars once.
I threw up blood for 48 hours.

It's true.

Little Caesars markets their food
directly to the homeless. It's a fact.

Watch their commercials.

They're like, "Little Caesars.
If you're in the area, we have hot food."

What CEO was like,
"Just let 'em know it's hot."

"Who cares what's on the menu?"

"Tell 'em it's warm,
they'll come in."

What demographic is that for?
I think I know.

So, what are we…

Yeah, what? You have a question?

"Indica or sativa?"

Here's the problem with your shitty state.

Here's the problem.

Here's the problem
with your embarrassing, uh, city.

This city is one bad mayor
from being Portland, by the way.

-You're one… You're one bad mayor away.

You're one city council member
from being Seattle.

Just horrible.

"Indica or sativa?"

I bought a house in Texas
during the quarantine,

and, you know, Texas is different.

I moved to Austin. There's a lot
of homeless people in Austin.

There are so many
homeless people in Austin,

Joe Rogan is no longer hunting deer.

Just to give you an idea.

And all they give a fuck about
is barbecue.

All they care about is barbecue.
It's embarrassing.

And you never feel
like a fatter piece of shit

than when you order barbecue
because they only sell it by the pound.

And I don't know what anything means.

A woman's like,
"How many pounds of pork do you want?"

I'm like, "I don't know. Four?"

Then it gets there in a cooler.
I gotta walk it out.

I'm like, "God damn it."

"Fuck."

I gotta eat it
on a garbage-can lid in an alley,

staring at a homeless guy.

I'm like, "I should share this,
but it's America."

-"You'd better earn it."

"You'd better earn it. You have a knife?"
And many of them do. You know, it's…

I get pulled over a lot

because I have California plates
on my car,

and people in Texas don't like that.

And sheriffs in Texas hate it.

And…

And I've never gotten one ticket.
I've been pulled over four or five times.

I've never gotten one ticket
because I know exactly what to say

to a sheriff in Texas.

When they pull you over, they don't ask
for your license and registration.

They just start talking.

It's terrifying.

Like, one guy pulled me over.
He goes, "California, huh?"

"What are you
and all your friends doing here?"

That's when I know exactly what to do.
I get aggressive. I hang out the window.

I'm like, "You know
what I'm doing here, sir?"

"I'm a little sick of liberals.
Can I speak freely?"

And he goes, "Yes, you can."

I go, "I may say some things
that are politically incorrect."

He goes, "The floor is yours."

I go, "I think you should build
a wall around Texas."

He loves the word "wall."
He eases off the gun.

I go, "Build a wall, and if anyone
from California tries to get in

and you find out
they ever voted for a Democrat,

you just kill 'em
and you kill their kids."

He looked at me. He went,
"You were going 115 miles an hour."

"But you know what?"

"Get on home."

And I was like, "Thank you, sir.
Heil Hitler." You know, just…

…make a local connection.

Connect locally.

It's important to connect.

When this pandemic started,
everybody thought it was gonna be fun.

Everybody had pajamas on.
They were like, "It's a snow day."

There was a very white-bitch,
yoga energy, you know?

"The Earth is healing. Just listen."

"The Earth is healing. Just breathe."

"The dolphins are back."

"Oh, the dolphins are back."
It started with "The dolphins are back."

It ended with a guy in a Viking helmet
trying to kill Pelosi with a pen.

I was like,
"This has been a real journey."

I used to argue with my friend a lot
in the beginning of this.

She's very progressive,
very far out, but that's cool.

But I look at politics now
like I look at swimming in the ocean.

If you're too far out, I'm like,
"They can't even get back

if they want. Huh."

"We gotta send someone after them.
They're, uh… They're gonna be in trouble."

And she's a consultant,

which is a ridiculous way
to earn a living.

And nobody was affected less
than consultants over the last two years.

They sent four emails.

They checked in, they followed up,
they touched base,

they circled back.

That's all they did.

-That's all they did.

And we would argue. She'd be like,
"Why do people care about lockdowns?"

I'm like, "Some of them need
to leave their house to do their job."

She'd be like, "Well, fuck that."

"We're having so much fun,
sitting at home, watching Disney+."

I'm like, "You're 36.
You don't have any kids."

"If you're watching Disney anything,
you should go to jail."

Yeah. Disney movies suck.

They don't hold up.

What's Beauty and the Beast…
What's Beauty and the Beast even about?

A chick who fucks a dog?

And it's okay because a teapot says,
"Yeah, go fuck that dog."

"Go suck that animal off,
and I'll sing about it with a fork."

It's immoral, and it's wrong.

And if you don't have kids,
stay the fuck out of Disney World, please.

Don't be the Disney couple.

Be the junkie couple.

The junkie couple doesn't bother anybody.

You never see them on Instagram,
like, "Ahh."

All the junkie couple does is walk fast.
All they do. Just walk fast, like this.

Big jackets, across a highway,
walking fast.

But the Disney couples,
on Instagram with lightsabers.

It's like, "We get it.
You don't fuck. It's fine."

-"It's fine."

And if you don't have kids,
stay the fuck out of Disney World.

It's not for you.

It's designed for fucking kids.
Well, not fucking…

You know what I meant.

But also, there's an argument about that,
but here's the point.

-It's designed for children.

If you're a reasonably intelligent adult,

you should walk into Disney World,
and within three minutes, you should go,

"Oh."

"That's not Mickey Mouse."

"That's a guy in a suit

with a rash that's bleeding, probably."

The Magic Kingdom is not a real kingdom.

If it was, our country
would have bombed it years ago.

We'd be torturing Goofy right now.

Lit cigarette to scrotum, just…

I hate Disney World
because my boomer, piece-of-shit parents

went there to save their marriage.

They ruined my first trip to Disney World
trying to save their loveless marriage.

My father said to my mother on the plane,
loudly so people could hear,

he went, "Hey, if we can't be happy here,

let's just call it."

I was like, "No pressure!"

"Splash Mountain? Yeah?"

They fought so bitterly
during the character breakfast

that none of the characters
would come near our table.

My father had to look at my mother and go,
"Will you shut the fuck up

so these things will come over here?"

He called them "things."

And now that I'm older,
I realize they are things.

But when you're young,
you want a little magic.

I do feel bad for the Make-A-Wish kids

who wanted to go to Disney World
but couldn't because of the pandemic.

I also feel bad for their parents

because kids can be frustrating
even when they're sick.

The kids are like,
"I wanna go to Disney World!"

And you're like,
"I've explained this to you

nine fucking times."

"Can you get this through your bald head?"

"Disney World is closed."

"Why? Why is it closed?"

"Because there's a sickness."

"I have a sickness."

"But yours isn't trending."

"Yeah."

"No one cares about yours!"

"Well, is there anything open?
Is there anywhere we can go?"

"Yes, get in the car. We're gonna go see
Candice Owens. Get in the car!"

"We're going to an Open America Up rally
with Candice Owens."

I got vaccinated in a CVS.

And the woman who did it goes,
"Why don't you hang out for 15 minutes?"

I said, "Why?"

She goes, "In case you have a seizure."

I said, "What the fuck are you gonna do
if I have a seizure?"

"You make nine dollars an hour."

"Are you gonna put a coupon in my hand?"

"Hey, thanks for coming in."

"Thanks for coming in. 20% off deodorant."

"Thank you so much for coming in."

Let me die in my car.

Like an American citizen.

Let me die in a Dairy Queen drive-through,
trying to grab a Blizzard.

I had no problem getting the vaccine.

The news was like,
"Covid's a holocaust of fat people."

-And I'm fat and I have money.

Everybody in LA
that was fat and had money,

we were trying to cut the line.

Me and Lizzo were in the car, like this.

"Let's go."

"Fuck these kids with cancer.
We got careers."

"Hit me, Doc."

We were all pulling up
with Taco Bell wrappers in the car,

smoking a blunt, like, "Come on."

"Let's get healthy. Hit me."

"Hit me. Come on."

"I'm being responsible.
I'm gonna change my life now."

And I'm not worried about Covid.
I've already had it.

I got it after I was vaccinated

because that's how you get it.

They leave that out, you know?

We'll figure that out in a few years.

Joe Rogan sent a nurse to my house

as soon as he found out I had Covid.

It was so sweet.

But, you know, it was Texas.

So it wasn't really a nurse,
it was, like, a QAnon retard…

…who had never been
to medical school at all.

She walked in. She's like,
"Honey, all you can do is pray."

I'm like, "What the fuck?"

"You better put Ivermectin,
or whatever it is, in my ass right now."

"You better do something right now."

It's weird that we had
this global pandemic,

but the way we dealt with it
was very local.

That was never better evidenced

by when you told a doctor
that you were being vaccinated

in different parts of the country.

In New York and LA,
if you were like, "Hey, I'm fully vaxxed,"

a doctor would be like,

"Yas, bitch!"

"You're a silly whore."

"You're a dirty little cum slut,
that's what you are."

They got so excited.

But I told my doctor in Texas
I was vaccinated.

He looked at me, he was like,

"Okay."

And then, I swear to God, he goes,

"When you get out of here,

I want you to go to a website
that really explains what's going on."

I'm like, "Why don't you explain
what's going on?"

"I'm here in your office."

He goes, "Okay.
The Jews killed Princess Diana."

I was like, "I have a head cold."
He goes, "I know. I'm getting to that."

"I'm laying the foundation. Bear with me."

Tough year for nurses, so I've heard.

And…

Are there any nurses here?

-Yeah? Fuck you too.

No, we're kidding. Thank you.

They're heroes.

But all nurses can't be heroes.

It's statistically impossible.

My cousin is a nurse.

She got the job to steal Percocet.

She told me that to my face.

She goes, "Yeah,
when it's late-stage cancer,

I do one for you, one for me."

That's not heroic at all.

No, in fact,

never call anyone a hero.

It fucks with their head.

Teacher, firefighter, cop. No more heroes.

It does something to people.

If somebody saves your life tonight,

go, "Hey, thanks,"

and move on.

Just get out of there.

You call 'em a hero,
they start pissing in your mouth.

"Yeah. You like that?"

"That's hero juice."

"That's what heroes do."

We called nurses heroes.

Five minutes later,
they're TikToking with dead bodies.

I know it was a rough gig.

I just wanted
a little suffering in silence.

That's all.

Just keep it in.

I didn't need you on Facebook Live
every five minutes, crying.

"Okay."

"They brought a woman in last night.
She had her whole life ahead of her."

"She was 96."

"And we spent a million dollars
to keep her alive

for 24 hours

so that she could gargle
her last, probably racist, words."

It's killing racists.
We know that for a fact.

-Yeah!

What happens when you get
Grandma off the ventilator?

She's gonna start saying nice things
about the trans community?

I mean, walk this out in your head.

"Grandma, welcome back."

"Grandma, do you know
what a non-binary person is?"

"Grandma, what's someone
that's not a man or a woman?"

"A demon."

"No! No, Grandma!"

"Mask her. Mask her now."

"Put her back on the tube.
Put her back on."

"Until she learns."

"Grandma's going back on the tube
until she learns."

And I'm not one of these people
that didn't think it was real.

I knew it was real. My mother
was in a nursing home in New York.

And we were terrified

that she would not die of this disease.

She's 300 pounds and asthmatic.

I was calling the doctor myself,
going, "Choke the bitch out."

What is going wrong?

Her nursing home's
littered with dead bodies.

My fat mother is fine somehow.

She's just sitting in her bed
with a Trump hat on, trolling.

My mother's roommate died of Covid.

My mother did not even get it.

She didn't even know
her roommate was dead.

My mother just kept yelling at her.
"Elizabeth!"

"Put on Tucker."

"It's eight o'clock, Elizabeth."

"Put on Tucker."

The nurse comes in and goes,
"Patty, Elizabeth is dead."

My mother goes, "Can you put on Tucker?"

So she deserves to die. That's my point.

Andrew Cuomo, the governor of New York,

no matter what you may think of him,

did a really nice thing.

He did a genocide of the elderly.

-He did.

And no one cared.

Then he made a woman uncomfortable
at a Christmas party,

and they're like,
"Now you're out of here! Now you go."

They had to step over bodies
to tell him that.

"Now you go."

But they got him out of office
before he could kill my mother!

Which is all I wanted.

It wasn't only regular people
that got fucked

over the last couple of years.

The elites got fucked too.

This is true.

Last year, Hillary Clinton had a podcast.

That is not the way
she thought her life was gonna go.

She thought she was gonna be
the leader of the free world.

Last year, that bitch had my job.

-I…

Yeah.

Yeah. What a miscalculation on her part.

And all her enemies wanted her in jail.
They're like, "Lock her up!"

I'm like, "She's reading ads
for Stamps.com."

"She knows it's over."

"I think we got her."

We had…

We had riots last year,

and everybody
watched the riots like Netflix.

Everybody was just glued every day, like…

"Honey, get in here."

"They got to Trader Joe's."

"I know. There's no parking.
Fuck it. Watch it burn."

"And the staff sucks.
I hope they're burning alive right now."

"They're using a man as a battering ram
to get into Macy's. Take a look at that."

"No, it's peaceful. Relax."

It was fun to see the news anchors
have to keep saying "peaceful"

no matter what happened behind them.

It's just fun. It's just fun to watch.

Things are burning down. They're like,
"The level of peace that I feel."

They're getting stabbed. They're like,
"This is an isolated incident."

"I'm learning a lot right now.
I'm learning a lot."

I get it. I get why people were mad.

Cops were doing fucked-up shit
and it was all on camera.

And I know there's some good cops.

And I have to say that
because I look like a cop,

and I don't look like a good one.

Uh… No, no, no, no, no.

I do not look like a cop you would want

in a high-pressure
law-enforcement scenario.

In fact, I look like a cop
that walks around all day like this.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Who's this? Your son?
What's up, buddy? How are you?"

"What happened? Blew a tire?"

"Yeah, I'm local law enforcement,
here to help."

"Oh yeah, she's loaded.
We're always ready to dance."

"You want me to call anybody?
You need something?"

"You need something?"

Everyone I know who became a cop

should not have become a cop.

-It's a fact.

Everyone I know
and everyone you know. Let's be honest.

That's how I remind my friends.
I'll call my friends from high school.

I'm like, "Remember John
with the black hair?"

They're like, "What?"
I'm like, "From biology."

"He used to spit on the disabled girl."

"John!"

"Tall. He threw her wheelchair
over the fence. John!"

-"Yes."

"He's the chief of police."

"Right now."

It's interesting, you know?

Now everything's about kids.

Everything's about
what the kids are learning.

"What are they learning, the kids?
What are they teaching children?"

My parents are boomers.

They could not have given a fuck less
about what I learned ever.

My father walked me to the bus stop
on my first day of school.

I said, "What school am I going to?"
He goes, "I don't know, son. Uh…"

-And then walked away.

Now these parents are stampeding fucking…

They're going into fucking, you know,
PTA meetings with guns, like,

"What are you teaching the kids?"

And I don't know what's going on.

Are they teaching two-year-olds
about gender theory? Maybe. I don't know.

There's always one school
that they find in, like, San Francisco.

There's always one school
they use as an example,

where the teacher's in front of the kids,
and she's like, "This is my labia."

"And tonight, I'm gonna make it a cock."

"And your homework
is to name my new cock."

And you go, "That is a bit much."

"That is excessive."

Then, like everything else in our country,
it swings crazy left to crazy right.

Florida's got a new bill.
People call it the "Don't Say Gay" bill.

One of the provisions in this bill,
that they dropped,

was that teachers
were gonna have to out kids as gay

to their parents within six months,

which is horrible,

but hilarious…

…when you think of the calls
the teachers would have to make.

"Hey, Mr. Morris, how are you? Yeah."

"I'm Todd's English teacher."

"Yeah, he's doing great.
No, no problems. He's doing great."

"He is very close
with another boy, though."

"They laugh a lot.
They take the bus together."

"Oh, that's his brother!"

"Okay. No, nothing, nothing. Ah…"

"Nothing at all.
How are you? Are you good?"

"Yeah, I'm just checking up on everybody."

I would call. I'd give it no context.

"Hey, Mrs. Miller."

"Your daughter's a les."

Let them figure it out.

You know?

It also makes teachers look horrible,
you know?

"I watched your son jerk off
with his friend. I think they're gay."

"No, I did. I-I filmed it.
I knew you wouldn't believe me."

"Do you wanna see it? It's my job."

"No, it's my job."

"I'm a teacher."

Young people are interesting.

They care about their mental health a lot,
which is good.

They take mental-health breaks. They do.

They go,

"Not today. Ah…"

"I can't do it today, and I don't
even know when I could."

-"I don't even…"

The bitch did it at the Olympics!

She went to the Olympics,

and she went,

"Yeah, not today."

-"Yeah."

And then everybody's like,
"That's what a real champion does."

I'm like, "Well, I'll do that."

I'll walk around the gym with a cigarette,
like, "Nah, not today."

"Nah, I'm protecting
what's in here."

Hey, athletes.
There is nothing in here. Do a flip.

Who is telling these athletes

they should be sentient people
with thoughts and ideas?

Just do a flip!

-You're all stupid.

Every athlete is stupid.

It's true.

You have never sat next
to an in-shape, ripped, hot athlete

and heard anything come out of their mouth
and went, "Whoa."

"Wow. That's great."

"I never thought of it like that.
You're a fucking…"

Do a flip.

That's what you're here to do.

I should have held on to my AMC stock.

That much is clear.

I-I-I-I sold it. I let the community down.

You remember the big push
with GameStop and AMC?

Some of you might have made
a lot of money.

Not by the looks of it, but who knows?

It was the first stock that I ever owned.

Well, not technically.

My mother used to buy me and my father
single shares of stock for Christmas.

She'd give us, like,
a share of ExxonMobil

or a share of McDonald's.

Then we'd go to McDonald's,
and she's like,

"It's kinda like we own this place."

And even at seven years old, I'm like,

"Man, I hope this bitch
gets hit by a car."

"What a pointless bitch my mother is."

"Fuck."

I went… I went hard into the AMC game.

I put 20 grand in.

My business manager
flagged it immediately.

He called me. He's like, "What is this?"

But back then, I have so much confidence.
I'm like, "What is this?"

"It's a revolution."

"We're gonna throw you off the balcony
of that penthouse apartment you own."

"That's what this is."

"You got a horse in Malibu."

"We're gonna fuck it
in front of your kids."

He's like, "You're down two grand."

I'm like, "Sell, sell."

"Sell."

"I love that horse.
I'm kidding around."

But the American economy's
on solid footing.

I know that because Justin Bieber
just paid $1.2 million

for a picture of an ape.

Yeah.

Every now and then,

I like to show that picture
to a coal miner.

I drive into Pennsylvania coal country,
and I pull over.

And there's a guy coming out of the mines,
you know, coughing.

I say, "Come here. Come on."

-"Come here."

"Take a look at this. You see this?"

He looks through his one good eye.

I say, "That's 1.2 million."

"Have a good day."

Then I get out of there.

Fun.

I'm worried about the Internet.

You used to be able
to go on the Internet and have fun.

Now they kick everybody off.

There's a megachurch pastor in Houston
named Joel Osteen.

Okay. Some of you are in a cult.

And he's here tonight! No.

It's a mass baptism! No.

There was a big flood in Houston
a few years ago,

and Joel Osteen would not let any
of those flood victims in his churches,

and people were very angry at him.

And I looked on Twitter
and I saw that nobody was defending him.

So I changed my profile picture
to his church,

and I responded to the victims
one by one.

And I said, "The last thing Joel needs
is you and your wet baby in his church."

We're having fun. It's fun!

And I'm not saying
you can only have fun in fucked-up ways.

Here's a nice way to have fun.

Find your old teachers on Facebook.

They're always on Facebook,
and they always remember you.

Write on their wall tomorrow morning.
Go, "Do you remember me?"

They're gonna go, "Of course I do."

And then under that, write,

"What we had meant something to me."

If they try to get out of it,
like, "Chemistry was fun,"

go, "No, you fucked me in the mouth."

Have your friends comment.
"Why did you fuck him in the mouth?"

"Why? Why did you fuck him in the mouth?"

And what's funny about that

is you just ruined someone's life.

That's fun.

It's the Internet.

What's the big deal?

The media loves terror.

That's their whole rationale for existing.

That is their profit motive.

My favorite article about Covid
was from the LA Times.

This was the headline, word for word.

"No symptoms? Negative test?"

"You're not out of the woods."

I rooted for every variant…

…because I just wanted
to get out of family parties.

My family's Irish Catholic.

We suck, but we're fun.

Yeah, we're depressing, but we're fun.

You can even hear the sadness
in the cheers.

Whoo!

But everybody who's fucked up is fun,

and everybody who's fun
is a little fucked up.

You've never been out at a bar with a guy,
and went, "This guy is amazing."

"He's so much fun. What's his deal?"

And someone's like, "Oh, he's a doctor."

It's always like, "This guy's great!
What's his deal?"

"Let's talk outside."

"His wife faked her own death.
She's fucking his brother."

"But he loves Fleetwood Mac.
Look at him go."

"Look at him go. It's good. We're good."

Irish people are fucked up.
I can prove that. We don't have a cuisine.

We're the only country without a cuisine.

Ethiopia has a cuisine and no food.

Irish people are so fucked up,

they couldn't get ten entrées on a menu
in all of human history.

We have one food.
It's called Shepherd's Pie.

It's not even a food. It's a bowl of shit.

And it just gives you enough energy
to hit your wife.

Which you shouldn't do.

But if she's Irish, you get one. Ahh.

Because they're animals, these women.
Plaque psoriasis, rosacea, varicose veins.

Cigarette's ash in a seashell,
sangria made at00 a.m.

If they're over 40,
they look exactly like me.

And they all dance like this.

-Yeah!

"That's Aunt Sue. She has lupus."

Thanksgiving is the worst
because we have to go around the table

and say what we're thankful for.

And nobody wants this. Nobody.

And we lie. That's how fucked up we are.

We lie about what we're thankful for.

We can't be honest.
I wish you had to be honest.

You couldn't lie?

They get to my Uncle Bob.

They're like, "Bob,
what are you thankful for?"

"I'm thankful
I didn't get a DWI on Tuesday."

"I couldn't see through the dash."

"Thank God I did some coke
earlier that night."

"When I'm coked up, I remember to signal.
I can't get hard, but I signal."

"I pull into my driveway.
I'm like, 'Maybe I can get hard.'"

"I start jerking my dick. I pass out."

"I hit my head. My kids find me,
dick in hand, bloody head."

"But no DWI. I am so thankful for that."

But we don't have that.

We have my Aunt Carol being like,
"I'm thankful for the seasons."

What the fuck does that even mean?

Your daughter's on heroin.

My cousin's on heroin,
but it's the holidays. We let her have it.

We're like, "Ahh. Get in there."

"Get in that bathroom for 17 minutes."
She walks out, like…

But she's not sensitive.

That's a nice thing about heroin addicts
no one talks about.

She said to me, she's like,
"Is that joke about me?"

I went, "Yeah."

She goes, "All right.
Give me a cigarette."

Eye on the prize.

People think the American economy
is powered by war. Perhaps.

Good argument to be made.

Some people think it'll be Bitcoin.
I think it's cruises.

The cruise.

That is the indicator of economic health.

Americans will get on a floating toilet
no matter what.

Covid came to America in a cruise.

The Grand Princess cruise.
The first time you heard about Covid.

There was an outbreak.
People were fighting over water.

They were shitting on the deck.
Dying in their bunk.

Biggest story.

We wouldn't even let it dock.
I didn't even know you could do that.

People from Miami
were just walking outside, going…

You know what happened that week?
Cruises sold out.

They sold out a year in advance.
Because you know Americans.

They're watching that
on the news every night.

They're watching those bodies stack up,
and they're going…

"We're getting a deal."

"Honey, get the phone.
We're going to Cancún for $32."

"Get the phone. You didn't marry an idiot.
Get the fucking phone."

"We'll burn those bodies ourselves.
See if that's a package."

The level of fat

on a cruise is confusing.

I took one cruise. I could have been
a personal trainer on this boat.

People were coming up to me.
They were like, "How do you do it?"

I'm like, "I walk occasionally."

One woman brought
a cooler of food on the boat.

I went, "What the fuck is this?"

"They've got a 24-hour buffet."

She goes, "Yeah, they got a buffet,

but you don't know
how far away your room's gonna be."

That response has haunted me every day.

And cruises dock.

It's the most embarrassing thing.
They dock. They let the people out.

And they dock on these islands.

These islands are like
third-world hellscapes.

Except for, like, 10% of them,
which is owned by the cruise line,

so it's like… it's a beach.

But then to get to that,
they gotta take you through the 90%

that's utterly terrifying.

And they try to distract you.

They put you on a golf cart
and they're like, "Where are you from?"

And you're just seeing shoeless guys
run into the woods.

You can't even talk.
You're just pointing. You're like…

Then you get to the beach.

They're like, "Isn't it pretty?"

You're like, "Was that a civil war?"

"What the fuck is going on?"

But they are people's homes.

These islands are people's homes.
I don't even know why this is allowed.

Why is it allowed? How did it start?

One day, one of these demon companies
like Carnival or Royal Caribbean

just landed on an island,
and they were like,

"There's one by the trees."

"Hey, buddy. Hi. How are you?"

"We know this is your home,

but every half hour, a floating country
is gonna pull up outside."

"Fat people…"

"Fat pe… Fat."

"Like five of you. Fat people."

"They're gonna get off that,
and they're gonna buy magnets."

"Magnets."

"They're things that stick
on the thing you don't have."

"Now, do you wanna sell 'em those magnets,
or should we kill you?"

"What do you want?"

Covid's over. Everything's over.
The world might be over. Uh…

You'll be hiking. You people don't care.

Just hike, like fucking coyotes.

"Look at the star."

I get worried about getting kicked off
the Internet. I say wild shit.

I've never been kicked off
Twitter or Facebook or YouTube, but…

I'm permanently banned
from a little website

called Airbnb.

Yeah.

Yeah, baby!

And that does not make you
sound like a badass.

If you get kicked off Twitter,
people are like, "That guy's a badass."

If you tell someone
you can't use Airbnb, they're like,

-"What's going on with you?"

"Did you leave a fetus in the microwave?"

-"Who gets kicked…"

I got in a fight.

I got in fight with these two women.
They happened to be lesbians.

I called them "dykes."

I am a gay faggot.

I should be able to call them "dykes."

That's why we fought the Civil War.

And they live in the desert.
They're desert dykes.

That's a different breed of dyke.

Because it is very hard
to eat pussy in the sands.

Now these clamdiggers
rented me their house.

And I made a fish dinner,
and they didn't like the smell,

ironically.

And then they accuse me
of breaking a cactus.

I'm like, "Why do you even have a cactus?"

"Oh, 'cause it's dry
and it can't produce life."

"You."

I wrote that in the review.

Then they said I threatened to kill them,
which is not true.

I texted them, "I know where you live."

I texted them,
"I hope your house doesn't burn down."

Because of climate change.

That little bitch was right.

I forget her name. Gretelman,
Hansel and Gretel, Thunderman.

Remember, that… that creepy little bitch
would come on TV?

She was right.

Dead-eyed little bitch,
she would come on TV,

and she'd be like, "The Earth will burn."

And you're like,
"What Lord of the Rings is this?"

-"I don't like this."

But she was right. It is hot.

It's terrifying.

A lot of people
are trying to make light of nuclear war.

They're going, "Hey."

"You know, if it happens,

deal with it."

Let's take it down a notch,
you know what I mean?

Let's, you know…

I'm worried, you know?
It's-- It's crazy out there.

They keep bothering Joe Rogan
about his podcast

when mine is so much bigger.

So odd. So odd.

That won't go in.

Uh…

No, I'm kidding.
We'll put it in. He's fine.

We all called him that week.
Everybody's going at him. We call him.

We're like, "You okay?" He's like…
"I'm fine."

"Me and Elon Musk are on a rocket."

I'm like, "All right. You're okay."

"The vaccines are bad."

He would just call you.
He'd call you at, like,30 at night.

He'd be like…
"I have a friend."

"His brother took the vaccine."

"Dead."

You'd be like, "That's fucked up. Um…"

"Can I borrow $200,000?"

Thank you guys so much.
You've been a lot of fun.

-Thank you, Denver!

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate you guys coming out.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

See you later.

See you on the Internet.