Original subtitles

Hello and welcome to The Grand Tour,

which is not coming to you this time from the top

of a volcano or the bottom of the sea.

No. We are in Berwick-upon-Tweed,

the most northerly town in England.

And our mission is to set off across the border

and then drive all the way across Scotland

to the Outer Hebrides.

Now, this promises to be

one of the most beautiful drives we have ever done.

And on the way,

we will be attempting to answer a very important question.

Yeah. It's this...

In Europe we listen to American music,

we buy American clothes, we drink American beer,

we wear American sunglasses.

But American cars have never caught on.

Why?

To try and find out, each of us bought an American car.

And this is what I chose,

a 19-foot-long Lincoln Continental Mark V.

Remember Jock Ewing out of Dallas?

He had one of these.

Fat Frank Cannon, the TV detective,

he had something very similar,

a Mark IV, basically the same.

And what this means is, is that when I was growing up,

I would see a Lincoln on TV every week

and then I'd turn to my dad and say,

"Dad, can we have a Ford Cortina?"

Why didn't I want one of these?

Why didn't he?

Ooh, hello.

It's a... a Buick Riviera.

Oh, yeah!

With a... with a self-opening boot. Shall I shut that?

When did that happen?

-Just now as you pulled up. -Yeah, okay,

that's a feature of the model. This is the legendary

1971 Buick Riviera, the boattail.

What?

No, I'm just... I'm just... I'm stunned.

Well, no, the thing is, is we said,

"Why did American cars not catch on in Europe?"

Yeah.

Did this even catch on in America?

Well, that's the thing. You see, the Riviera

was Buick's answer to the Ford Thunderbird.

So from '63 they were making Rivieras. And it was doing well.

They were selling quite a few,

-not as many as the Thunderbird. -Yeah.

So in '71 they said, "Let's make something really striking."

Really new, really out there.

And they made this and everybody hated it.

Literally!

Their advertising material said, "It's like nothing else."

And Americans went, "Good."

But... Jock Ewing, Fat Frank Cannon, celebrity all over it.

Clint Eastwood.

-Really? -Jeff Bridges.

-Really? -Yes.

What, they both had this?

-Bruce Willis. -Bruce... Really?

-So, Frank and Jock? -Yes.

Bruce, Clint and Jeff?

Yes!

And we still ran around in Europe going,

"I don't know, shall we have an Allegro or...

We had an Allegro Estate, when this existed!

What do you suppose May's got?

No, let me rephrase that.

What sort of Cadillac do you suppose May's bought?

Eventually...

after 20 feet of waiting,

we got the answer.

The car now arriving at platforms four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and ten...

-May? -Yes, sir?

We guessed you'd have a Cadillac.

Not just a Cadillac. This is a Cadillac Coupe DeVille.

- Is it? - The Cadillac of Cadillacs.

Honestly, driving this, I feel like Elvis Presley.

What, dead on a lavatory?

Oh my God, how much burgundy can you get in one car?

It's like an American motel room.

They must have scraped out all the burgundy mines in the world.

"What color shall we make the seats?"

- Burgundy. - "What about the dash there?"

- Burgundy. "Ooh, good idea."

But... the switch, the button on the end of the cruise control stalk...

- Burgundy - ...is burgundy.

I was hoping you wouldn't notice that.

Has it fallen off?

Well, I'm gonna have to admit to being a bit of a clot.

I was driving here and I noticed in my mirror

this piece of debris flying away down the road.

And I actually thought to myself, "Do you know what?

That's remarkable.

That piece of debris is the same burgundy

-as my car."

But without actually thinking,

-"I wonder if it came from it?" - Oh!

I tell you what we should do,

have a game of Top Trumps.

Engine?

-Yes? - Mm-hmm?

6.6-liter V8.

-Aw, that's cute! -6.6...

-What? It's not cute-- -What does it use to drive the car along?

Is that what starts the engine?

Well, how big's the engine in yours?

7.5.

- 7.5 liters? -7.5-liter V8!

Whooph!

Go on!

8.2.

Eight?

8.2 liters.

This is the biggest V8 ever fitted to a production car. 8.2 liters.

All right, then.

This is more efficient, obviously.

How many horsepower?

-Mine? -Mm-hmm.

Hundred and ninety.

I don't think horsepower matters.

-How many horsepower? -One hundred and eighty-one.

-That's it? -Yes.

-From 6.6 liters.

I don't know how they did that.

My seven-and-a-half-liter V8 lump developed 250 horsepower.

-Two hundred and fifty? - Yeah.

So that's a rocket ship.

Eager to begin our important journey of discovery,

we fired up the 10,000-pound Lincoln,

the 17,000-pound Buick

and Mount Burgundy

and set off.

This is it.

Scottish border. We're entering McScotland.

This is a homecoming for this car

because Mr. Buick of Buick was Scottish.

You're going home!

Jeremy Clarkson, are you aware

that your car appears to be talking as it goes along?

No, I'm unaware of that.

The front bumper is 17 miles in front of where I'm sitting.

We powered along, dumbstruck

at what we'd missed out on in our childhoods.

I seem to remember that in 1970,

the heater was an optional extra in an Austin.

The heater was.

Whereas this has got electrically adjustable seats,

electric windows, electric quarter light,

cruise control... I mean, the Starship Enterprise didn't have cruise control.

I mean, look at this, automatic climate control.

You can set it on economy settings

or an auto setting, or bi-level.

I mean, bi-level.

We wouldn't have even known what that meant.

I mean, if somebody had showed me a window

that moved about using electricity in the 1970s,

I'd have fainted.

Check out my lights!

I've got garage doors for my headlights.

What would my childhood have been like

if I'd wafted about in the back of one of these

instead of a Ford Anglia with a hole in the floor?

My dad would have been my absolute hero.

I'd have had a bright and sunny outlook.

Yeah...

As we approached the outskirts of Edinburgh,

we were honored with the traditional local welcome.

McRaining now. That's predictable. We've been in Scotland

for, what, 20 minutes?

Presumably the Scottish police can't say "You're nicked, sunshine"

because nobody would know what that meant.

Not good. The news is not good.

We then decided to head for the city center

to see how our cars would cope

with the steep and narrow cobbled streets.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God!

This cannot be done.

The issues with my bovine differential soon caused another problem.

That's me. That's me boiling over.

Chaps, I am boiling over.

Crikey. It's like John in Mongolia.

After I'd finally conquered the hill,

Hammond topped up with some precious Scottish water.

And wondering how Frank Cannon ever solved anything,

we resumed our journey through the city center.

Oh, God above. You see what's ahead of us here?

Yep. Right.

Mm, that is a bit bum-squeaky there, Clarkson.

How close am I to that wall?

About that.

Um, right, I'm going to admit,

my car's a little bit too big for Edinburgh.

I think we can put this down

to Edinburgh's fault rather than the cars.

No chance.

What if... we temporarily move this bin?

So if I back up now...

-If you back up now... -Yes.

...you can swing around, you can just push...

-Mine's boiling! -Oh, sh... It is.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Oh, no.

It's singing the song of death.

Oh. Oh.

Stand back.

Leaving Hammond to scour Scotland for more water,

I squeezed through the gap

and went off to get us all a zesty drink.

Wooph.

Right. All right, what's happened here, is my door

is stopping my door opening.

How's that happened? Why is it doing this to me?

How did Frank Cannon get in? I can't get in.

Smooth.

Beautiful.

Yeah, it was because we... It wasn't blocking the step...

Yeah, but that was... It was further along that way.

-Was it? -That was further back and this was... Yeah...

I think the other one was in front of this one.

-Oh, just put it that way and... -It was.

How am I gonna...

I can't...

Oh, sh...

The whole end has come off.

Having established that American cars

do have some issues in city centers,

we headed back to a three-lane highway.

Whoa! Cool bridge with mist. Look at that!

And soon we arrived at the location for our second test.

Scotland's Nurburgring.

It's Brickyard, it's Monza.

The fearsome Knockhill.

The idea is very simple.

We shall use a Scottish car to set a benchmark time round the track

and then we'll try and beat it in our two-door V8 sports coupes.

The only problem we have is which Scottish car shall we use?

The rear-engine 911-style Imp?

The Talbot? The Avenger?

The AC three-liter ME? Or perhaps the little Scamp?

It's a smorgasbord of excellence, that is. It really is.

After much head-scratching, we settled on the hot Hillman.

And strapped an old friend into the driving seat.

Right, here we go. It's a flying lap. This is what we're timing.

What we've got here is a 1.5-liter big-valve engine.

Lowered front suspension, heavy-duty rear suspension, 93 horsepowers.

Top speed? 108 miles an hour.

It needs more gears.

-It does!

Yeah, I'd say... I'd say that's what it's lacking.

That is the cream of Scottish excellence in the 1970s.

Here she comes.

Abbie crossed the line with a time of 1:13.98.

And then, with the stopwatch reset,

I unleashed my slab of Detroit heavy metal.

Building up to cross the start-finish line,

I'm hoping, at about 70 miles an hour.

Didn't make it. Sixty-eight. That'll do.

Turning in now.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, I've fallen onto the passenger seat slightly there.

That's one of the... Oh, heavens!

I'm now...

I'm now rolling through there.

Oh, no, I may have just slightly gone off. But I'm back on again.

Oh, no, my seat has collapsed.

Whoa!

A lot of... A lot of lock.

Come on. Speed! Now and power.

75! That was nearly 80!

After this festival of roll and understeer,

we figured James' 8.2-liter Cadillac would be faster.

However...

Come on!

I can't believe an engine this big can bog down.

This issue, coupled with James' leisurely cornering style...

It says "brake." I will follow that advice.

...and his legendary memory for track layout...

What happens here? I can't quite remember.

...didn't result in the hottest of laps.

Nice.

So, with Carroll Shelby's work done,

it was up to the Buick to make America great again.

Pulling a mighty 70 miles an hour.

And across the line to start.

Let's just roll it in.

Ooh, quite a lot of understeer.

It looks like an American car in the movies, which is exactly what I wanted.

Ooh, I've... Yeah.

With our laps complete,

it was time to see whether American firepower

had beaten the Scottish Hillman.

The time we have to beat...

-Yes? - 1:13.98.

Mm-hmm.

-James May... -Yes?

1:31.99.

Seventeen,18 seconds slower than a Hillman Avenger.

And you had...

-nearly seven liters more? -Yes.

I did it in 1:21.47.

-Oh, dear. -Richard Hammond...

Yes?

1...

-18... -Oh!

...point 77.

What does that prove?

Well, it's interesting. I thought mine would be faster than that.

I didn't think mine would be faster.

Well, you weren't driving very quickly.

Well, it's as quickly as it would go.

And it's a comfortable... It's just comfortable.

You've got one dial in your car which is a speedometer.

-Yes. -Which is the one thing you don't need.

-Yes.

Well, so the car doesn't need it.

Not interested in that one!

But what I find funny,

it is the first track I think you've ever driven around

extensively and not hit anything.

- Yes! -God, I didn't.

And your car is the correct way up. I think we can all...

-Thank you. -We can all applaud that.

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hammond.

Many years we've done this and... I'm delighted to...

Normally, a paramedic would now be cutting off his trousers...

- Yeah. -...and he'd be going to the hospital--

-I'd be on the phone to his wife,

-"Hi, Mindy. Yeah, I know, I..." -Again.

-"He's done it again."

Oh.

A text from Mr. Wilman.

Um... "Apparently there's some kind of virus going round."

-Oh, no, so... -Well, where's he been?

Somebody's let him see a newspaper again, haven't they?

It is dangerous when he reads the news.

Oh...

"You are not able to stay in a hotel this evening.

I have therefore found you alternative accommodation at the track."

Where?

Oh, dear...

It might be fun, a bit of caravanning.

Once we'd settled in,

we sat down to a traditional Scottish dinner prepared by our resident chef.

- What is it? - Pork chop. That's...

-What's that there? -That's peas.

What's this?

That's a carrot... I think.

-Well, thank you very much... -What, a deep-fried carrot?

-Yes. -This isn't a carrot!

It's a sausage!

Oh, it's... Oh, maybe it is a sausage.

There was a sausage in there somewhere.

Mm. All right, isn't it?

I can feel myself getting healthier.

-Mm. -Yeah

-My heart is saying "thank you." -What are the peas like?

-The peas? -Well, the...

It's a... It's a unit of peas.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it makes it a lot easier to eat.

-It does. Peas are so difficult to eat... -Peas fall off, yeah.

...but when you deep-fry them like this...

It brings out the sweetness of the peas.

After dinner was over and we'd been sick,

we decided to watch some motorsport on Mr. Wilman's laptop.

How many has he ordered? Ooh, that's never gonna fit.

Then... Have you noticed? This is his keyboard, Mr. Wilman's.

Look at the A, worn down, the N

and the L.

Maybe he's been emailing his friend Alan a lot.

Right!

Anyway, I know a lot of people watching will think

that it was stupid to put our big Yank tanks,

um, on a European circuit against a European car.

Obviously the European car was gonna be faster.

-Not so... -There is history with this.

There is. And actually, the marvelous thing is,

at Goodwood race track, they still run races using the cars...

-Yeah. And look at it... - ...from the '60s. And here we go.

There's every different type of car here.

You've got the big Studebaker there.

That's a heavy thing.

That's a Ford Galaxy.

And then you've got a Lotus Cortina.

Two Lotus Cortinas. You've got Minis.

And the racing is just breathtaking.

Look at it!

Look at that four-wheel drift in the Lotus Cortina.

So those Lotus Cortinas, they had 130 horsepower?

- Yeah. - What did the Galaxy have?

Four hundred and twenty-five!

Four hundred and twenty-five? And you can see plain as day.

There we go. Ready.

He's just coming up against this great slab of Galaxy.

-"Can I get through?" - And it is... "No, I can't."

Look at it go! He's gone!

He's just gone 'cause he's got more power.

And then he closes up again 'cause there's another corner.

"Right, I'm gonna have another go. I'm gonna keep scrapping."

And then as soon as it opens out, he's gone.

- And then now-- - Just solid gone.

Look, American cars, is what I'm trying to say,

American cars like ours aren't

-necessarily slower... -No.

...round a track than European cars,

'cause they're faster on the straight.

Oh!

There's a Mini! There's a Mini!

That's about 130 horsepower, that's all he's got!

That is a Terrier at a Doberman. 425 horsepower versus 130!

Look, there he goes again. Yeah, and a wave, yeah!

-He's actually waving to him.

The next morning we were told

that due to the COVID issues,

we'd have to take our caravans with us.

So, while a man fitted the towbars,

we set about making them as stylish as our cars.

What I've done to bring out and enhance

the Americanness of my rig is turn my caravan into...

well, the most American and the only cool caravan ever built.

It's an Airstream.

Look at that! Yeah!

I've gone for the low-rider look.

This is a sleek rig. It is big, though.

One foot longer than a London bus. But less sporty.

You got to admit, it's pretty retro-brilliant.

No, it looks like a caravan covered in tin foil for no obvious reason.

He really is a deluded little man, isn't he?

Now, I've had the best idea here, viewers,

because the problem with caravans is that they are unsightly.

They all park together in a field.

They're all a load of white boxes.

It looks like a load of Tupperware.

So, I've painted mine black and white and given it an udder.

It does indeed have "a" udder!

With our massive crew convoy bringing up the rear,

we soldiered on through the constant Caledonian downpour.

Uh, can we stop for fuel soon? I'm getting a bit low.

Um, I don't know how you used it up on the track,

but yes, we shall find "an" petrol station.

Oh, this has got very Scottish!

Oh, it's... it's really cold, really cold now.

Yeah.

Having established he'd been doing

a polar-bear-friendly eight miles to the gallon,

James announced it was time for his morning ablutions,

which meant he had to put his car in the car park.

I need to go that way with that arm.

That one goes that way, or something like that.

What is he doing?

How has he managed to get it so far...

In his defense, it is quite a tight car park.

Having decided that was good enough,

James went off to do his business.

And we settled down to our customary wait.

I lose about an hour a day waiting for him to have his...

Got time for a roast dinner, mate.

By the time he's read The Telegraph, done the crossword.

And if he does the crossword.

Yeah, I'd say you've got an hour.

What?

This is brilliant.

Why do they use such long hoses in fire engines?

Well, in case the fire's a long way away.

Right.

Oh, this is...

We could always tell him that the roof seal

-was leaking. - Yes.

Yes.

If you've just joined us,

it's a difficult story to unpack.

Right now he's probably on three-down.

You know when they used to shout "Scramble!" in the war?

-Yes. -No.

Oh, can you imagine if he was

-a Hurricane pilot? -No.

I reckon you're about there, Hammond.

We assumed James wouldn't discover our mischief until he drove off.

However, we didn't have to wait that long.

He's got to be cross!

Jesus!

The roof light was open on your caravan.

- Yeah. - You're so funny.

Well, while I admire your ingenuity and your application,

that was a low blow on a day like this.

I was already wet. And you could have taken my personal effects out.

Isn't it funny how three people can have very different views of the same thing?

I thought it was a really good idea.

Mm. Same here.

And most of your personal effects were rubber anyway.

Oh, God, it's dripping water. How can my windscreen be leaking?

Like I give a toss.

Ooh!

A few miles later, we turned off the main road,

heading for the remote center of Scotland

to do some scientific research.

Now, yes, we do like our cars.

They're charismatic and they're interesting.

And James and Richard currently own American cars.

They've both got Teslas.

But we are not suggesting for a minute

that all American cars are good because they're not.

Some of them are terrible.

And what we're doing now is plunging deep into the Scottish countryside

to conduct an important experiment, which is this...

Who made the worst cars,

the Soviet Union or the Americans?

Representing the Soviet Union, we have the FSO Polonez 1.6,

the Lada Riva 1200 and the Zastava GTL 55.

And representing the United States in America,

we have the Chrysler Voyager, the Chrysler PT Cruiser,

which is making me feel sick, and the Pontiac Aztek.

What we're gonna do is have a race around this field,

us three in the American cars

and three of our most junior, and therefore expendable, researchers in the Soviet cars.

Rules are simple,

the first one out is the winner.

Hang on, you got that wrong.

What?

It's not the first... "The first one out is the winner"?

-That doesn't make sense. -Yes, it does.

No, there's no motor race in history where the first one out won it.

No, we're trying to find the worst car.

The worst car will be the first one to conk out.

-Oh. -Oh, no, actually...

- Yeah. -He's got a point, hasn't he?

Then the loser is the winner.

-Yes. - Got it.

- Right. -Good.

And so, under a blanket of light drizzle,

the Cold War shootout began.

This, viewers, is the world's first minivan, in fact.

But the most important thing you need to know about it

is that in the Euro NCAP Frontal Collision Test,

it scored... Where's the gear stick? Zero.

The only people who bought these Cruisers were those people

that you find in offices with a sign on their desk saying,

"You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps."

I've got a 3.4-liter V6, 185 brake horsepower.

And that's the end of the good news.

Everything else about this car is disgusting.

At its launch in 2000, they unveiled the first car

and the audience gasped and then laughed!

When Walter White in Breaking Badwas given one of these to drive,

the car was as carefully cast as the actor.

They wanted to show him as a loser.

And nothing says "loser" better than a Pontiac Aztek.

Ha-ha! Lada!

I then decided that to win this race

I'd have to hit other cars, and hope I came off worst.

Here I go.

Oh, shit! Didn't quite do it.

And soon, my colleagues had the same idea.

Have some of this.

Hammond trying to smash the Aztek up.

It's impossible to tell, such is the styling.

I must somehow ram into the Aztek

in such a way, I break my own car.

Here it comes! It's an accident! Here it is!

Oh, no, the PT Cruiser is alive!

I continued throwing myself at the heavy Aztek

until I achieved the exact opposite of what I wanted.

Oh! Oh! It died. Uh-oh.

It is, I believe, quite definitely on fire now.

Gentlemen, we may have a winner.

Oh, no. No!

Yes!

Yes!

It then became a fight to the death for second place.

Little commie bastard!

Target acquired.

Accident!

And soon, I got the wrong result again.

No!

No!

He's broken.

That was a bad one.

Why is my car still working?

We all know this is the worst thing ever made by man.

Come on, take me. Take me out.

That FSO is solid.

Yes! That's more like it.

Ooh. That's a big hit.

But yet again...

Is that the FSO down? The FSO down and out?

This is a disaster!

And to make things worse...

No, May cocks it up.

Now just James and I were left.

The two Chryslers fighting it out for the honor of last place.

Both cars were now too damaged to catch one another.

So it was a case of waiting to see...

who would die first.

Break! Break!

Catch fire! Roll over! I don't care! Just break!

That bonger is the temperature. I'm down on power.

Yes, I'm boiling.

I think I'm boiling over. Any minute now, the engine will seize.

I seem to have lost third gear,

which was the most useful one round here.

Now the gear changes. No, I think I've had it.

No! But my... Look at my temperature gauge! No!

No, it can't be. No, I won't have this.

Are you out or are you just making it up?

No, I'm out.

No, it's... I wanted this to be the worst car.

-Yes. -And it says

that this has actually come last.

It's the sixth worst car ever made.

Hang on, is that the... I forgot the rules.

-Yes, that's the way it is. -Yes, you've won, so you've lost.

I know. I'm still running, therefore I've lost. But look at that...

Rather than spend an hour re-explaining the rules to James,

we declared the Aztek the winner,

and with Hammond navigating, set off back to the A9.

Right, we're looking for a bloody big road.

However, before we even realized we were lost,

my Lincoln started to do what the PT Cruiser wouldn't.

Why is my engine...

I'm misfiring badly now going up this hill.

Come on.

Come on, car, please.

We therefore pulled into a farmyard

so I could make some repairs.

I'm gonna have a look at my carb-u-rettor.

As I broke out my extensive tool kit,

James went off to put the kettle on.

-A cup of tea? -Thank you.

Would you like a... What?

-That's very nice. -I've gotta say...

Would you like a soft biscuit?

-...that works. -It does.

What works?

Well, exactly.

Oh! That's my caravan.

That's so much better.

Eventually, my repairs were complete.

Broken.

Oh, that could keep you occupied for hours.

Why won't it go on? That's ridiculous.

The last thing I knew was I was in my 30s.

-Yeah. -Late 30s, admittedly.

And then suddenly, I'm standing in a field still watching...

How's this possible?

Ah, this is brilliant.

-Yeah! - Ah! Wow!

What a sense of achievement.

Now, the next thing is... - Where do we go.

- No mobile phone signal. -No.

We've gotta find the A9.

-Mm. Mm. -It...

One thing you can't do in Scotland is navigate using the sun.

-No. -No.

You can't navigate by clouds, they move.

How about getting...

Having decided to go for that option,

I had a couple of small accidents.

Oh, God.

But soon, we were back on the move,

with Pathfinder Hammond once again on point.

Any minute now, there'll be a T-junction,

and then a... a small road rather than a track,

and then a big road.

Then, all of that didn't happen.

There's a hole.

Hammond's just brought us on a rally special stage by the looks of it.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Is this the A9?

No.

No speed cameras on it. That's how you know it's not the A9.

Oh! No! Shit.

What?

I'm sorry! That was hilarious!

So, ladies and gentlemen, what is missing from this picture?

It was just epic!

I've never seen anything like it!

-What, the towbar's come off? -Yeah.

The towbar has come off.

Oh, dear. That's...

If you put that in a Tom and Jerrycartoon, it would be absurd.

-What if that had happened on the A9?

Well, that, you'd have there'd have been shouting.

But where am I gonna sleep tonight?

There. That's where your caravan is.

We decided to abandon my caravan

and resumed our journey, behind Richard Blomquist.

So he's driving up a mountain and he thinks

he's going to find the A9 at the top of it, does he?

Oh. Oh.

Good slapper, Hammond.

The tail's wagging the dog a little bit here.

Ooh. Yeah.

Oh! Oh, dear, oh, dear, something's gone wrong.

Um...

Ooh.

- Were you driving too quickly on a gravel track? - Yes.

I can't help it. Gravel track...

Well, if you undo yourself...

Yeah, he's done that.

-Are you... Are you undone? -Yeah.

So that... Yeah.

If you get yourself out, Hammond...

- Yeah? Ooh. No! - There you go.

No!

Oh, that's worked.

Well, I've unhitched it.

You're... you're free... Your car will get out now.

It's stuck.

It's sitting on the fuel tank! Look!

So here's the situation, we've got one caravan left and it's soggy.

Damp, yes, very.

We aren't allowed to stay in a hotel, even if we could find one.

Which we won't.

Mm.

What if... we stay in a castle?

There isn't a rule that says you can't stay in a castle, is there?

But there isn't a castle.

Well, we're in Scotland. There'll be one in 300 meters.

It doesn't require... There are...

And they're all empty 'cause nobody's allowed to use their second homes.

And castles are always second homes.

Unless you're part of the Royal Family.

The fact is, you could be onto something.

All we've gotta do is find a castle.

Find a castle.

With that decided,

we got Hammond out of the ditch...

...and went in search of a castle.

James May, I never thought I'd say this to you,

but your udder has come off.

Don't ever say that to me again.

The terrain was very rough.

Bollocks.

What the hell?

Oh, brilliant.

I've done some damage underneath.

But mercifully, after just two miles...

we did find what we were looking for.

Yeah. This is ideal.

We settled down for the night in someone else's castle,

and the next morning, having admired their view,

James scuttled off to the kitchen to deploy his cooking skills again.

It's a deconstructed and deep-fried kedgeree, in effect.

So you have a kipper, a rice ball and an egg.

All deep-fried?

All deep-fried. Enjoy.

I am intrigued.

Um... marvelous. Well done, you.

Now, our job on this mission, as you know,

was... Mm.

Mm-hmm.

-Mm. -What?

Well, it's... interesting flavors.

That's challenging.

The kipper's good, though, isn't it?

I like kippers and I like batter.

Yeah, I love kippers. I love batter.

I also like marshmallow and a nice pencil.

- Yeah.

But I don't want them all in one big congealed lump.

Now, I've been thinking.

Our job on this was not to steal somebody's house...

and deep-fry everything we could find.

Um...

it was to work out why American cars

-haven't... or never caught on. -Yes.

This scale of not catching on... in the 1970s,

we in the UK bought nine-and-a-few thousand...

US-built cars, nine-and-a-bit thousand, okay?

We bought 2,47,000 Soviet-made cars.

A big contributor to the success of Soviet cars in Britain

was the, uh, People's Republic of South Yorkshire.

Well, it was. It was mainly where people bought Ladas.

Yeah.

And what have we established so far?

That we like our cars...

I love my car.

Love them, but they are flawed.

-Quite big. -Very, very, very big.

Yeah, quite difficult to maneuver in many parts of Britain.

Yes. And yours is very unreliable.

It's flamboyant.

But that's our cars. We've also established

that slightly smaller cars, such as the PT Cruiser...

and the Aztek and so on,

the worst cars, amongst the worst cars ever made.

Hateful garbage.

But here's the thing, we must never forget

America also made some absolute corkers.

Inspired by this back catalogue,

we chose our favorite muscle cars,

and then used them to go for something else

that America populized.

A pizza.

But you... I still say you can have pineapple on it.

-You can't. -With ham.

-No, you can't have. -A Sloppy Giuseppe,

-that's what you have to have... -No, with ham.

-Ooh, God! -No, no pineapple...

I've just remembered something.

You know my mate, John?

Everyone calls him Tramp.

He's invited us

for a perfectly straightforward shooting weekend.

When?

Well, we've gotta be there in 37 minutes.

What? Pizza Express to Tramp's in 37 minutes? That's not possible.

Or is it?

There have been a great many fabulous muscle cars over the years,

but this is my favorite, the Mustang.

The Mustang was the fastest-selling car of all time.

A record that's never been beaten.

They sold 22,000 on the first day!

This particular example, the GT500,

built in 1967,

and I cannot think of any car that suits the mood

of the moment more perfectly.

Color television has just arrived.

The Apollo space program was just beginning.

We were all listening to Sgt. Pepper and Fleetwood Mac and Jimi Hendrix.

But in America, the family man could buy a seven-liter Mustang!

This, viewers, is a 1969 Chevrolet Camaro Z/28.

It was Chevrolet's response to the Mustang,

which they thought was a bit slabby.

So they came up with something more curvaceous.

This muscle car feels particularly agricultural.

We imagine that the Americans didn't realize that.

But I think they did.

I think they knew and they just thought, "Well, sod it. It's a laugh."

That's what was great about America in those days.

Optimism, hope, unashamed consumption.

Britain, of course, saw the Mustang

and all the cars it inspired, such as this one, and thought,

"Yeah, we'll have a go at that,"

and gave us the Capri,

which was available with a 1.3-liter engine.

Why were we so meek?

The Dodge Charger,

one of my all-time favorite cars and one of the greats.

Specifically this 1968 second-generation version

ofBullitt andDukes of Hazzard fame.

I mean, just look at it, it screams "legend."

The Charger was aimed at young people specifically,

which today would mean "make it so small and bland

as to be invisible and give it the engine from a pencil sharpener."

Back then it meant "give it a huge V8,

bonnet scoops and flared haunches."

They were fun!

Uh, what is a perfectly straightforward shooting weekend anyway?

I've no idea.

I don't think anyone in the world knows

what a perfectly straightforward shooting weekend is.

They're all different.

Uh-oh. Chaps?

Yes?

-Died.

-Oh!

Hammond, do you mind not doing that? I've had a heart attack.

It turned out that a detached brake caliper

had broken the wheel, which had jammed the gearbox,

and that caused the engine to explode.

But since the clock was running,

Jeremy and I had to leave Britain's unluckiest driver and press on.

This is ridiculous.

It's like driving to Barnard Castle to see if your eyesight works.

But despite this, we did make it

from Pizza Express to Tramp's in 37 minutes.

We've made it. We have made it.

Oh, yes.

But while we'd made it on time,

there was a problem.

I'm not sure we're blending in terribly well

on this perfectly straightforward shooting weekend.

Well... It could be worse.

- Oh.

What are you wearing?

Yeah, I know, I... I've overdone this.

I am sweating with embarrassment.

Well, you're lucky. After what happened in Argentina, I can't sweat.

-Really? -No.

-You can't sweat? -No, not a thing.

This was inspired by my car. It's misled me.

A text from Mr. Wilman.

A long one.

"You have finally uncovered the main problem

with owning an American car in Europe, it's embarrassing."

Mm.

We don't blend.

It is a bit.

It doesn't fit.

"But if there was a community where American car enthusiasts

could live side by side with people who shared their passion,

it wouldn't be embarrassing.

So I've created a small town in the Outer Hebrides

where people can do just that.

And that's where you're headed now."

-So, yes, no, what he's... -You can actually...

he's thinking a bit like a sort of a drug-dependency support group.

You go there knowing that everybody else is like you.

Exactly, every... 'Cause you obviously turn up here,

cars like this, as we've just done.

Bollocks, isn't it?

People go, "God above, Darren, Gary and Kevin are here."

But if there was a community...

We'll be amongst our own kind.

You could say, "Can I get a burger?"

Yeah. You can have cheese on everything.

-And a strawberry on your laundry... -Yes, strawberry.

A strawberry. -You could actually say...

And nobody will look at you because they're all doing it.

-Everyone is in the same boat. -It's brilliant.

Well done, Mr. Wilman.

That's not a bad idea, actually.

That's... hmm, yes, that's inspired...

And I've just... I've just thought...

If we're going to this island where everything's American

and everybody drives an American car,

why don't we make our cars more American?

I know your Cadillac is as American as an eagle made of cheese,

but make it more American.

We'll modify them, and then we'll arrive on the island

in very American cars.

He will be so happy.

I can only think of an eagle made of cheese now.

Two days later,

we set off on a 200-mile journey

to Mr. Wilman's Hebridean island in our newly modified cars.

Let me talk you through what I've done.

I focused initially on repairing things.

I've repaired the windscreen wiper as best I can.

I've used waterless coolant to try and solve the overheating problems.

And then... Well, if you look closely at the front here,

I fitted the massive supercharger

you can see sticking out of the bonnet.

Gains about 100 horsepower from that.

And having done the supercharger at that end,

I needed something visually to balance it

to make it a cohesive whole.

So I fitted the Plymouth Road Runner-style wing at the back.

Hello, viewers. I've turned my Cadillac Coupe DeVille

into a low-ri-der.

Three inches lower at the front.

It's two inches lower at the back,

courtesy of heavy-duty Land Rover Defender springs.

A two-and-a-half-inch straight-through side-mounted exhaust.

Now, this was already a very cool, very relaxed car.

It's now even cooler and relaxeder.

-Uh-oh.

I may have overdone the lowering a bit.

This thing is now wearing white-letter heavy-duty boots and it's worked well.

I've also addressed my power issues by fitting nitrous injection.

It's perfectly straightforward.

Instead of mixing the petrol with ordinary air before it goes into the engine,

it's mixed with a blend of nitrogen and oxygen.

Let's try it out. Engage system with toggle switch.

Prime the tank.

Firing...

That makes no diff... Why does that not make any difference at all?

Did you make other modifications to the fuel system

apart from putting the nitrous bottle in?

Yes, I did.

What did you do?

Many things.

He hasn't done it, has he?

Did you alter the timing?

I advanced it.

What would happen if I hadn't done anything to the timing

-or anything like that?

I think...

Yeah, you'd have made the mixture lean

and you'd probably melt the pistons.

Well, I'll get a grandstand view of the explosion from back here

if I can see it round my supercharger.

See around it? Is your supercharger actually in the way, then?

Um, only in... in certain directions.

Um, if I look forwards, for instance, yes, it...

it blocks the view.

He can't see!

Later, I discovered another issue that had been caused by the modifications.

That's my tire.

The sound of my tires catching on the bodywork.

I've really cocked this up, haven't I?

We continued our journey north,

against the ever-familiar backdrop of Scotland's weather.

God really did mess up with Scotland, didn't he,

'cause, "Oh, look at that. It's my best work.

And now it's gonna rain constantly."

Yeah, he made something really rather beautiful

and then covered it with a tatty old sheet in the form of the weather.

It's interesting that in the Islamic world,

artifacts can't be perfect because only God is capable of perfection.

But in Christian society, we like to think that God

introduces some imperfection and flaws into the world

lest we should be blinded and driven mad by its beauty.

James, are your side pipes putting fumes into the cabin?

He began that by saying, "It's interesting, isn't it,"

and then proceeded to not be interesting for the next ten minutes.

Eventually, though, the rain eased,

which meant we could enjoy a lovely view

while Hammond mended his car.

- What up? - That's a split fuel tank.

I don't think there's any denying that.

Could you make it to that village down there?

-Probably. -'Cause they'll have a petrol tank welding center,

-I'm sure of it. -Mm.

It's quite difficult to weld a petrol tank.

You've gotta be very careful with that.

I need to find something that I can gum it up with.

Sticky tape? Duct tape?

Well, it's an interesting proposition

'cause petrol dissolves most adhesives. So...

Yes, James, it's an interesting proposition.

Meanwhile, my car's life blood is draining away.

Having solved the problem with some of my nicotine gum,

we stopped looking at the view and drove into it.

I really do like this car. I like the way it looks now.

I always like the way it looks. Now I like the way it looks even more.

It's supremely comfortable and it's got a Cartier clock,

which is absolutely beautiful.

It moves me, that clock, moves me with its beauty.

How many cars have we ever kept from our television shows?

Uh... Well I... well, I kept Oliver, the Opel Kadett.

I've kept the Alfa, the Bentley and the Excellent.

I've only kept my beach buggy.

Not many, then, out of all the hundreds.

I think I know what you're thinking now.

I really want this Lincoln in my life.

I do not want to give up my Riviera. I love it.

What about the Cadillac?

Well, I will admit it may have, yes,

got under my skin a bit and I may actually love it,

especially now it's a low-rider.

As the light faded, we found the nearest castle to stay in.

And that night, Hammond and I

decided to replace James' missing wheel spat.

And the next morning, he was very grateful.

Clarkson!

That's a particularly shoddy piece of work.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

Two American stars on your American car...

-Exactly. -...that is an enhanced spat.

But you could have made an effort to make it fit.

I mean, what are these...

Just... You've just driven

ugly cross-headed self-tapping screws into my Cadillac.

It's fixed, though.

As we continued to head for Mr. Wilman's American island,

we came across an important piece of road

for the nation's car enthusiasts.

Right, this is Britain's Stelvio Pass,

the Applecross.

That's what it's called.

This is an opportunity to find out

how our cars will manage on an alpine road.

Science is about to happen.

I'm with you. A scientific experiment, yes.

Right, here we go.

Gawd streuth. Oh.

Yeah, that... that... that is a problem.

Um... I can't see through the windscreen because it mists up.

And on the other side, the windscreen wiper isn't working.

But even if I could see through the windscreen,

on the other side of it is the supercharger, which is dominating the view.

Impossible to see...

Yeah...

This specific American car is struggling a little bit

with this specific bit of the UK.

All right, coming up to this hairpin bend.

Preparing myself mentally for the challenge.

And here we go.

And... braking nicely.

She's round!

Quite a lot of mist.

Oh, dear.

What?

How have we ended up driving on the other side of the road?

We're about to drive into a cloud.

Eventually, we reached the top of the pass,

got out to look at the famous view...

...and then set off back down again.

It... Oh, sh... I've gone off the road.

Oh, there we go. Now...

Yeah. When I thought this morning,

"Let's go up that switchback mountain road in our two-door V8 coupes,"

it didn't look like this in my head.

I should have known when I put a duffel coat on.

You don't see a Formula 1 driver getting into his car

in a duffel coat, do you?

Later that day, we reached the Isle of Skye.

And having crossed that, we boarded a ferry to the island of North Uist.

And once we were underway, we engaged in some light automotive philosophy.

You know, the funny thing is...

when you see someone driving an American car in Britain,

you know everything about them.

You know that Trump makes them plump,

they've got a Confederate flag in the garage...

-Yeah. -...they only drink Bud.

When you see someone driving a Fiat,

you don't think, "Well, I bet he waves his arms around

and has a weird relationship with his mother."

Or someone in a Volvo, you don't think,

"Oh, I bet he gets naked and then rolls around

in the snow with his neighbors."

-Exactly. -But that's what I mean,

you don't make assumptions based on the car's nationality at all.

No, you don't, you don't. But with an American car...

- You do. -...you absolutely do.

You're absolutely right because if, for example...

I mean, let's just take a hypothetical case,

if you saw a classic Mustang, say a dark-green one,

and it was being driven by Richard Hammond,

all you can see is his face just sticking up above the steering wheel,

but you'd still think, "I bet he's wearing cowboy boots."

And he is. The only thing he doesn't do

that he should as an American car enthusiast

is play golf.

Yeah. Pfft!

What do you mean, "Yeeah"?

Yeah.

-"Yeeah, yeeah." -Have you got something you'd like to share?

My name's Richard Hammond and I've taken up golf recently. I've been having lessons.

-Seriously? -Yeah.

I bought a set of golf clubs and I've been having lessons,

twice a week at my local golf course.

Why have you taken up golf?

My mates seemed to be really enjoying it.

So I went round with them and I tried it.

And it was really, really h... it's hard.

-It's, like, honestly, it's really hard-- -I'm not interested.

And so then I've had lessons.

I was having quite an interesting...

thought process there about American cars

and now suddenly, my day's been ruined.

Somebody I've actually enjoyed working with for the last 15 years,

it turns out, is weird.

Fortunately, the conversation was interrupted at this point

because we had reached the extraordinary island

of North Uist.

We are on an Outer Hebrides.

So the next island along is where Mr. Wilman

has built his community for American car enthusiasts.

I'm excited by this idea of a...

a place where we can go in our American cars and not be embarrassed.

It is like nudists.

They wanna run around with no clothes on,

but you can't do that where everybody else is wearing clothes.

You'd feel silly.

So they go amongst like-minded people

where everyone's doing the same.

Eventually, we reached the shoreline

on the far side of the island.

Ooh, I say, that's rather beautiful. Look at that.

That is mighty pretty, isn't it?

What the bloody hell's that lot?

What is it?

I'm wondering if it's some sort of temporary stage or seating.

It's plastic in the sea, is what it is.

-It is a lot of plastic. -I mean, look at it.

Well, maybe they re-use it when there's no COVID

-and they have folk music on the beach. -Guys?

-It's all washed up-- -What?

I had a text from Wilman.

Right, so, that

is the island where he's built the community.

And I'm guessing that spiky thing

over there is part of it. Can you see that?

What, over there?

- Yeah. - Wow.

But to get to the island, we have to build a bridge out of that.

Is it like a pontoony-type thing, do you think?

I'm just thinking they're full of air, so they look floaty.

Well, it's not gonna hold a car up, is it?

I don't know, maybe if you have enough of them, it would.

- So those... - So these ones

-are already joined together, look... - Yeah, look, that's...

Yeah, that's... that's what these... Look, that's one of these.

Yeah, they're screws.

They screw together.

That's my idea of hell.

Oh, it's a giant construction set!

Jeremy, it's like your birthday and Christmas all at once!

So is that wider... I mean, how much wider

than the car does it need to be?

Out of how many of these we got.

And out... we've gotta go a long bloody way!

All the cars are six-foot-seven wide.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

-Just under ten foot. -So your feet are foot?

Uh, I don't know.

I, meanwhile, was more interested in

what this community would look like.

I'm guessing that...

It...

No, I'm trying to think what there'll be.

There'll be a motel,

and in every room there'll be two beds

that are far too big, burgundy bedspreads.

There will be a sports bar with hundreds of screens

all showing something slightly different but not very different.

Everybody will talk to you in the lift.

-Elevator. I like that. - Yes, they will...

"Good to know you."

That's what they say when you get out of a lift.

Yeah, they say good morning...

You... you... how... You don't know me, you've just met me,

-"Good to meet you"? -I like that, you have a conversation.

But that's 'cause you're American.

We got stuck into the work...

Captain Nurk, going in.

That must be the doer-upperer.

...pausing only for James and I to have an argument.

That isn't going to work.

It is. I've done a calculation, roughly.

Maths, James, has no bearing on the sea.

-Of course it does. -Do you think it'll work?

-No. Not really.

Going down.

Going down.

Oh, God. Right, that is secured.

Good.

You pissed in your own Wellingtons.

Yes.

This is very manly, this, isn't it?

- This? - Yeah.

I know.

On the third morning of our endeavors,

we'd reached the point where we needed to borrow a boat from a local.

Okay, here's the situation. Um, we've built this bit here.

Hammond is going to bring the boat around here.

And we're now going to tow it to the end of what we've already built

where we can attach our new section.

It was a simple plan, but then it turned out

that Hammond had never used an outboard motor.

Uh... uh...

Pull the cord.

Where's the cord? Oh.

It's in the top of the en... There.

-Pull it... -I got it.

It works!

How do I make it move?

Twist the thing... There you go!

HMS Hammond is underway.

Argh!

In your own time. Quick as you like.

Are you ready?

Job one, tie on.

Right, perfect.

Now, pull me along.

Go, go. Power.

Oh, give me strength.

You pulled the bloody fishing-rod holder off...

I didn't tie it to the fishing rod.

Why did you tie it to the fishing...

I didn't tie it to the fishing rod, you blithering idiot.

Right, are you ready? We're setting off.

Ooh-ho!

Hammond's gone upside down again.

What the f... Oh, jeez. How has he done--

I'll pull you in.

Weirdly, none of the other locals

would lend us a boat after that.

So, we had to drag the new section into place by hand.

Look at this, I'm moving 100 meters of bridge

all by myself.

-Water's really slippery, isn't it? -Yeah.

Ready? Look at that for docking.

There you go.

Work continued for the rest of the day...

Ugh. Now, I need to pull this corner in, don't we?

No, there's...

...until, by late afternoon,

our arrow-straight bridge was finished.

And since James was the only one of us who thought it would work,

Hammond and I decided he should go first.

Ts and Ps good.

What is the chance

-of him making it... -Minimal, I'd say.

...across there? Negligible.

Oh, my God, the road is floating in front of me.

Oh, my God, look how it moves!

It's actually sinking as he drives along.

Jeez. That is weird.

All right, chaps, I'm not gonna lie to you, this feels a bit perilous.

That's 30-feet of water he's driving...

-In a Cadillac. -...over.

I know it's deep. It was deep enough

-to swallow my boat. -It was.

Shit.

I think my exhaust may be dragging on the floor.

Agh!

Now I'm crashing into my own bridge.

-Oh, I think his ex... -Oh.

I think he's grounding out where it dips.

Oh, this is hilarious.

I don't think you'll be able to see this, viewers,

but on that side of the car, the wheels have collapsed,

each of them, one of these elements.

So I'm now against chocks.

And the... the other side of that

is that the exhaust is now down on the ground

and the end of the exhaust is wedged in one of the joins.

So it's completely stuck.

There is a solution, but I don't know you'll be prepared to do it.

What is it?

Well, you go and help him out.

That would mean four tons of American land yacht

on the same bit of plastic in the ocean.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But since James was now

a huge burgundy obstacle to our success, there was nothing for it.

Power, increase speed.

Oh, shit. The back of the car's dipping.

God, I'm completely... I'm arse down. I can hardly see a thing.

I can see Thunderbird II approaching.

Air...

Working.

You're gonna have to give me a fairly hefty shove and keep going.

Right, James May, here I come.

That didn't work. Let's try something else.

I'm gonna back up, yes?

And then I'll create a wash.

Yes?

When the wash lifts the back of your car up, hoof it.

Here it comes, here it comes.

- Go, go, go.

Bollocks and arse.

Hammond, could you come and offer some assistance here?

Right, I think I'm on.

I'd like to be able to see a bit more than I can see now.

Ah! Oh, God.

I do not wanna go in that water again.

Amazingly, the world's most accident-prone driver

made it without incident.

Jeremy, I'm here now. Can I help?

Hammond, I've had a brilliant idea.

Go on.

If we both drove at him at high speed

and then braked to create the wash,

that might be enough to lift him up and on.

Or double the stresses and break the bridge.

But it's our only shot, isn't it?

Okay, I'm up for it. You tell me when.

Okay, this is really... This requires precision driving.

I am ready.

Hammond, are you ready?

I am ready.

My car won't start.

Oh, God.

What?

Sit rep, I am the meat in an incompetent sandwich.

It's all right, it's started.

Right, gentlemen, we are ready back here.

In three, two, one... now.

Braking... now!

Go, go, go.

Yes!

It worked. It bloody worked.

Very good. Thank you.

Oh, I say! My people have recognized me!

I think Mr. Wilman's done that.

Yeah, he has.

I can't wait to see our commune.

What we're looking for is an American-style town, I imagine.

That's like Oklahoma. Look at that.

Cows.

That's a remarkable journey, all the way across Scotland,

all the way across Skye, all the way across...

I'm gonna have to stop.

I've got the warning lights on and everything.

Something's going wrong. My car smell...

James, we're literally--

No, I know, but I don't want to fail

100 yards from our commune.

I want to arrive in glory. So just give me a few minutes.

How's he managed to break it on the last 100 yards?

What a blithering idiot he is.

I can't open the hood.

Um, Hammond, I've had an idea.

There's literally nothing we can do to help him

so let's go and have a look at that spiky building over there.

Glad to.

Onwards.

Oh, God, you're joking. It can't be.

Uh, it won't start.

So both of them have broken down.

One hundred yards from the finish line.

Right, well, um, let's think.

Mine will.

And has. There it is.

After a short drive,

I arrived at our commune.

Crikey. Mr. Wilman's been busy.

Look at that!

Laser Quest. Multiplex.

Look at this, a sports bar!

And 5G on my mobile. How's that possible?

Weird.

Is that an MG?

What's that doing here?

Evening, barman. I'll have three pints of Budweiser with cheese, please.

Eventually, I was joined by my colleagues.

-Gentlemen! Gentlemen! -Ooh!

-Your beers await. -Aah! Ho-ho! And there it is!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Pause. Just savor the moment.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Budweiser! There you are!

Do you know, they only had Tsingtao?

-Really? -Yeah.

Well, MGD?

No, only Tsingtao.

Anyway, look, let's get something to eat.

Yes, food.

Food, in this. Look, I'm in st...

I... I can't believe Mr. Wilman's made this.

I've totally come... I've totally come home.

My Buick Riviera is parked outside

-and I'm in here! -Yeah, I know!

-Everything is good! -It's staggering, isn't it?

And I fancy...

surf and turf? No, wait...

Monterey Jack. I want some Monterey Jack.

What?

Chaps, um, it's not... It's not just the menu.

Nothing in here feels quite right.

That is weird.

Do you know, this place has only been open, what, a week?

And already, every single thing in here

is Chinese.

And on that terrible disappointment it's time to end.

We will be back.

We don't know where, we don't know when, but we will.

And we will see you then. Thank you so much for watching.

Goodbye.