Original subtitles

-Thank you for making my world so much bigger.

-Hey! Luke.

I got my license today.

-Well, that’s great! Congratulations.

-House, unlock the door!

House!

Luke, if you could still do what you used to do,

we wouldn’t be here.

-I’m always telling you to find a better work-life balance.

-This isn’t about balance. This is about

getting out of here and reassessing my life.

-You have to relax. I’m just taking the shortcut.

Nah, it’s perfectly fine.

The biggest thing in these woods is a raccoon.

There’s no bears or wolves.

No, all the chainsaw murderers are still at camp.

What’re you even-- Hang on.

Nothing.

Look, I’ll be home in ten or so. Okay, bye.

Hello?

-Mm...

House, call the condescending, unappreciative jerk.

-Calling Luke Roman.

-Don’t pick up. Voicemail, voicemail, voicemail.

-You’ve reached Luke Roman. I’m sorry I missed your call.

-Please leave a message.

-Luke! Oh, darn. I was hoping to talk to you.

I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to need

a few more days away from the office.

I’ll be sending you the contracts

on Bouvier, Santos and Padgett.

They’re easy closings, clean titles, approved loans,

you won’t have any problems.

The Dunn-Herberts are doing their usual dance.

It’s probably a good teaching moment for Zooey.

I’m dealing with some personal business,

so I’m not sure when I’ll be back in the office,

but seeing as nothing ever changes

at the perfect Roman Agency,

I’m sure you have everything well in hand.

-Toodles.

Hm.

The "toodles" was a bit much.

- It was a nice touch. Cordial, yet dismissive.

-Yeah. That’s what I was going for.

-Would you like some tea?

-Yes.

-Yes, I would.

-Toodles?

-It’s a hell of a house.

-Yeah, built in 1893, historic, solid.

-Can’t wait to bulldoze it. -Well, you need to buy it first.

It’s only polite.

As you can see, the property line starts here.

The creek is on your side. Plenty of room to--

-What’s that? -Well, that is the lot

next to yours. It’s just a small place, barely a cottage.

-How much? -I...

I don’t know if it’s listed for sale.

-If I own that lot,

I don’t need to worry about the easements.

I could build the pool area over here

and put the tennis court over here.

And the guest house could be way over here,

so I’d hardly ever need to interact

with visiting relatives.

-I don’t even know if you’d see them.

-Oh, yeah!

-We’ll reach out and get a price.

-Don’t worry about the price. Buy it.

-Maybe we should close on this property first,

you know, get the ball rolling.

-We’re going to do both deals at once.

I could never enjoy this lot

knowing that I can’t have that lot.

That’s just me.

All or nothing.

I’m gonna call my architect.

-The house and underlying dirt

are owned by an offshore holding company.

The only point of contact is a law firm in Budapest.

-Swell.

-I reached out and left a message.

-Yeah, we’re not liking the odds

that we’re going to hear back anytime soon.

-So, we have one sale contingent on two properties.

This cabin in the woods is creating more drama than the

-million dollar property. -Mm-hm. Life is funny.

-You know, I could have sworn there was something

in that house, watching me.

-You think maybe it was your, um...

your mojo coming back?

-Ah! Maybe it’s growing back, like a starfish leg.

-No. Just old-fashioned paranoia.

You all set for today?

-Mm-hm. -What’s today?

-I am taking my first couple to look at houses.

Susan’s taking her personal days and I am covering.

-Aw. Who’s the victim? I mean, who’s the client?

Aw, who’s the victim.

The Dunn-Herberts. Lara and Freya.

What?

- The Dunn-Herberts are our locally sourced

organic vegan lookie-loos.

- They shop,

they kvetch and they never buy.

Have fun.

-Great.

Oh, my God. You did not do them justice.

This is like an Oscar Wilde play about mistaken identity.

They’re pretending to shop for a house

and I’m pretending this isn’t a complete waste of my time.

-Well, Susan felt the same way. - When?

-Did you talk to her? -Naw,

this was the last time Lara and Freya

took her for a spin.

-Don’t you think maybe you should check in?

-With Susan?

I’ll see her at the charity bowling thing this weekend.

-Oh, right?

That’s, like, mandatory, right?

-You’re an agent now. It’s part of the deal.

-Yeah, just testing the fence for weak spots.

Like a velociraptor.

-Anything back from the lawyers in Budapest?

-It’s been, like, half a day. I don’t want to be a ’pesht’.

-Oh, I see what you did there.

-I kill me.

-Oops. I gotta go be a receptionist.

Bye.

-So...

how much do we love it?

-May I help you?

-"Please call me.

You’re about to win the lottery."

-Oh!

You are the cabin in the woods!

-I live in the house in the woods.

And I don’t play the lottery.

-I was being a little clever.

-Very little.

-Could we, uh, go in here and talk?

-Now, why would we do that?

-Well, if you leave, you’ll never know.

-This all looks so... science-y.

-Hm. Vic Tandy,

a British engineer with an interest in the occult,

experimented with infrasound, or low frequency sound.

Less than 20hz. 18.5 to be exact.

Some called it the spirit frequency.

-How’s it work?

-Well, he theorized that sending vibrations out at that frequency

might start a dialogue with...

God knows what.

So, this disk can be used like a cochlear implant:

if something extra-normal reaches out

it should vibrate your cochlear nerve.

-And start a dialogue.

So, if Luke wears this thing,

he’ll have his Luke tingle back?

-Well, I’m not certain

that it will enable him to communicate verbally,

but it should enable a certain... intuition.

-Mm. -The sense of a presence.

Can we agree to never use the term

"Luke tingle" again?

-Yeah, let’s. Mind if I take it for a test drive?

-Be my guest.

-Kinda tingly.

-Ow! Damn!

-Wait, what’s wrong? -Oh!

It went batshit crazy, like an explosion of noises.

-Really?

-Ohh!

Oh, whoa.

-So, that is what we are looking at.

-Hm.

Your running dog capitalist lackey

wants to buy my idyllic cottage in the pastoral woods

and tear it down for his tennis courts.

-Well, don’t forget about the pool and the guest house.

-Yes. His desire to avoid his relatives is so far

the only endearing thing about him.

-Um, so, uh...

what do you say?

-No.

-Kay. Kay?

Kay.

I’m going to go way out here on a limb ethically

and confide in you that my client has way more

money than sense. He will overpay for your property

to an alarming degree.

-Oh.

Lucky, lucky me.

-You didn’t have to come here.

All I did was drop off a not-so-clever business card.

You could have let it go, but you didn’t.

-Fair enough.

-Well, we could talk about this over...

I don’t know... dinner?

-I do have to eat. Occasionally.

-How about tonight? I could-- -I have plans tonight.

-Tomorrow?

-My nights are full and rich,

so I like to eat early.

Maybe Friday?

Pick me up at my priceless house around seven.

-Okay.

-Hm. - Who was that?

Luke?

-Oh, just a homeowner.

-I think you need to watch her.

Closely.

-That’s my plan.

-I think you’re being a hamster.

-Just because I won’t lie for you?

-It’s hardly even a lie! If my mom calls,

just tell her I’m staying with you that night!

I’ve stayed at your place lots of times!

-And what if she wants to speak to you?

-Then tell her I’m... I’m in the shower!

Or I’m out by the pool giving cardiac massage

to a drowning nun!

-Dude, work with me!

-If my parents find out, there’s gonna be trouble.

They already don’t like--

Bruno?

Bruno?

Come on, Bru, quit screwing around!

Very funny. C’mon, let’s--

Bruno!

-Well, she said no. But in real estate,

"no" is where we start not where we end.

-I’m sure that looks great on a motivational poster

but it only pisses me off.

-Listen, I’m having dinner

with the homeowner on Friday night, so...

-Well, that’s great, Luke.

Take her out to dinner, order some wine.

Hell, sleep with her if you have to,

but get me that property.

-I’ll do my best.

...and the recent disappearance

to a tragic incident two and half years ago

when the bodies of four teens were found

-completely drained of blood.

Police sources have neither--

-Ladies!

-Hi!

-Tantalize me, Zooey. What are we going to see today?

-Tantalize me, Freya.

Is there a world in which you two actually buy something?

You do know that real estate agents

only make money off of sales

and wasting an agent’s time if you have

zero intention of buying is the moral equivalent of --

I don’t know -- robbing a liquor store?

-I hope we find something... perfect.

-Something to die for.

-I hope we fall in love at first sight.

-I hope we find something so perfect

that my checkbook leaps out of my purse

and writes an earnest money deposit

before I can stop it!

-But probably not.

-No.

- It’s okay.

- Miranda, our client is willing to drop 15 grand

off the price to repair the roof

but there’s nothing wrong with the floors.

Of course!

And your people are welcome to carpet over it when it’s theirs!

It’s unreasonable to expect us to pay for them.

No, no, no, no, no. Those maple floors are gorgeous.

Carpeting over them would be an act of vandalism.

We’re not going to subsidize their bad choices.

Tell them about the 15 grand for the roof and then

tell them horror stories about dust mites and mold.

Scare their children and then call me back.

Okay, bye.

-When there was only one set of footprints in the carpet,

that’s when you were carrying me.

-What’s up?

-Tell me about that client who was in yesterday.

-Not really a client. She owns one of the properties

Erik Toft wants to buy.

-What do you know about her? -Not much.

Kay Bozer. She got an edge to her.

No bullshit.

Kind of refreshing.

-When she was in the office, she...

affected one of my devices.

-What do you mean?

-It operates at a certain frequency

that is sensitive to certain phenomena.

It could be a coincidence, but...

the device operated properly again the moment she left.

Will you be, uh, seeing the lady again?

-We’re having dinner Friday, as a matter of fact.

Kinda hit it off.

-So it’s, uh...

not an insidious plan to get her to sell?

-No, my insidious plan was to have a nice dinner

with an interesting lady.

My first since Megan, in fact.

-Would you, uh, be open to trying a sort of experiment?

This device is really quite subtle.

You wear it behind your ear.

-She won’t even see that-- -I don’t think so...

-Luke, it’s science.

-No! It’s a dinner date with a nice lady.

-A nice lady

who might just vibrate at 18.5 hertz.

-Let me see it.

-See? No big thing.

-I don’t know. Feels creepy wearing a

metaphysical nicotine patch on our first date.

-Science is often creepy.

But, if it isn’t activated, she’ll never know.

-And if it is? -Run away.

Run like hell.

As fast as you can.

Ah! You’re back.

-Oh-ho.

They are killing me, Augie.

Not only are they draining me of my will to sell real estate,

they are draining me of my will to live.

-You should talk to Luke. Just, uh, not right now.

-Why?

-It seems that, uh, one of Susan’s clients

is involved in a transaction with one of Rita’s clients

and Rita is unhappy about Susan’s extended sabbatical.

-Rita Weiss: America’s real estate sweetheart.

So, what else is happening in the real world?

-Well, let’s see...

Uh, Luke is still trying to close the Toft deals.

He has developed a post-professional interest

in the woman who owns the adjacent property.

My spirit frequency device was--

-Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

Did you just say post-professional?

He’s hot for her?

-Your words, not mine.

-Oh, my God! That’ll teach me to leave the office, like, ever!

Who is she? What is she like?

-We haven’t met.

But she, uh...

set off my device.

-Apparently she did the same for Luke.

-So, Luke tells me you’re a licensed agent now.

Congratulations.

-Thank you.

-Hm.

You know, I always liked you, Zooey.

You strike me as an oasis of pragmatism

in a place obsessed with fantasy,

like the last personal injury attorney in a

hastily assembled amusement park.

May I give you a piece of advice?

-I guess so.

-Always give the client

what they need.

Not what they want.

-Yeah? Hm.

-Do you know what I used to be?

I got my masters in philosophy.

Oh, yes. I focused on Kierkegaard.

The aesthetic, the ethical and the religious.

Well, you can imagine how

gracefully that interacted with a career in real estate.

Zero sales.

-So, what did you do? -So I shifted gears.

I focused on the primacy of the individual

and of individual concerns above any abstract reality

or grand metaphysical system.

Still couldn’t sell a salmon to a grizzly bear.

-This is all great stuff,

but what am I supposed to do with any of it?

-I realized that I was vastly overthinking the whole thing

and that my clients were ignorant doorknobs

incapable of articulating their own desires.

So, I looked at their lifestyles

and I showed them corresponding inventory.

I focused on what they deeply needed,

not what they said they wanted

because seldom are they the same thing.

-Preach! -Mm.

The moment I fully embraced my intellectual authority

and saw my clients

as the low-level primates that they are

my business tripled overnight.

I was able to pay off my student loans,

buy a Cadillac Escalade...

and divorce my husband.

-So sad.

Yet inspiring.

-Well, that’s the big secret.

You are smarter than your clients.

-I totally am!

-Oh, you might want to pass it along to Captain Goodhair.

He still seems to think that clients deserve our respect.

-That’s adorable.

Oh.

Still crazy.

-How’d it go?

-Well, he took the device.

We’ll see if he actually deploys it.

-There is something creepy about it,

-you know? -Yeah.

-On the subject of creepy, you know those missing kids?

-Yeah, I’ve heard something about them.

-Something rings a bell.

-Hey! Are you okay?

What’s the matter?

Hey!

You shouldn’t be here.

This is where those--

-Ladies, how was your day?

’Cause it’s about to get a whole lot better.

So, there are two houses left on the list

Susan made up for you.

We’re coming up to the first one...

and...

-we’re driving away! -What?!

-It’s not right. Tiny rooms, no natural lighting

and the raccoons in the yard? Yeah, they’re not

the helpful Disney kind. They’ll cut a bitch.

-I still wouldn’t mind-- -Nah, you hate it already.

So, moving on to bachelorette number two.

Here she comes, and...

-there she goes. -Wait! Slow down.

-Bye!

Two bedrooms, two baths,

fully finished basement and a home office.

All the stuff you wanted and none of the shit you need.

-Zooey, can’t we just--?

-Price is on the high side of your range.

Add in the HOA fees and to make PITI you’re gonna need

a bake sale every month, which is going to be impossible. Why?

Because your kitchen is too frickin’ small!

So, that’s it for Susan’s houses.

Now it’s time for me to rock your world.

-Right on time.

-Hi.

-Look.

It’s a blood moon tonight.

-Pardon me?

-A blood moon.

The direct sunlight on earth passes through the atmosphere

and is projected onto the moon;

makes it all red and spooky.

Hasn’t happened for two and a half years.

-So this is a special night.

-Very.

- I like your eyes.

No, I do.

They’ve seen a lot.

Most men your age-- our age--

still have the eyes of adolescent boys.

-Too many Saturday open houses will do that to a person.

So, you’re not seeing anyone?

-Nobody special.

You?

-Mm-mm.

-Well, that’s about to change.

-You’re somebody special?

-You have no idea.

-So, here we are. The steak tartare.

And the roasted Cornish hen for the gentleman.

Anything else?

Anything at all?

Please?

-We’re good. Thanks.

-Everything looks delicious.

-You look delicious.

-Ta-da!

Two bedrooms; two baths; gorgeous sunroom.

All living space on one level, no finished basement.

-Finished basement was on the list.

-You don’t need one. There’s tons of storage.

Just picture yourself in the space.

Your couch, your photos on the wall,

your favorite meal cooking in the fully functional,

spacious kitchen.

Just picture the house for what it could be

with your undies in the drawer.

-Is the neighborhood safe?

-Of course. You need to be safe.

You need to be happy. You need sunshine.

But most of all, you need to come home every night

and close the door against the world

in a house that loves you back.

-We can afford something fancier.

-This point in your lives, you don’t need to be house poor.

You need to be life rich.

I mean, with this house you can still afford fancy wines

and concert tickets;

vacations somewhere warm and impractical anniversary gifts.

And all in a place that feels like home.

-I do kinda love it.

It’s such a big decision.

-Hey, I can only find you the house you were born to live in.

Can’t give you the cojones to buy it.

-Well, and the place has been in my family for generations.

It’s just simpler

to keep the title with the firm in Budapest.

You know, tax purposes and all.

-And just like that we’re back to talking business.

-Okay.

Let’s stop fighting it.

Let’s give in.

-Well, I’m not going to give you a hard sell here.

-What a relief.

I bet you can be terribly persuasive.

-To the point of irresistibility.

I’m just going to tell you one thing:

You will never get nearly as much

as my client is willing to pay for your property right now.

Ever.

-Ooh.

Never.

That’s such a long time.

-Long...

time.

-Hey, Luke. So, I’ve got

good news and bad news.

Uh, good news is that the Dunn-Herberts

are no longer lookie-loos --

they’re buyers!

Bad news is, uh...

Yeah. It’s a Rita Weiss listing.

Hope we can still be friends! ’Kay, bye!

Ooh.

-August!

So, I’ve been reading up on Hungarian legends.

-Ah. The Budapest lawyer.

-Exactly. What’s her name?

The-the lady that Luke’s going out with?

-Bozer. Kay Bozer.

-Look at this.

-Mm. Lovely.

-This is a Hungarian witch.

Legend has it that she has the power to fly,

or to transform herself into a girl or woman of any age.

Men and boys are helpless against her.

Men and boys.

-Yeah, I’ve seen that legend in several cultures.

-But the thing is, she can only survive

by soaking in the blood of a living male

in the light of a blood moon.

The blood moon recharges her until the next one comes along.

-Oh, dear. Those missing teenagers.

-Tonight is a blood moon. The first in years.

-We need to warn Luke.

-Guess what they call her in Hungary?

Boszorkány.

-Bozer.

-Close enough.

They really shouldn’t play Walking On Sunshine

when you’re on hold with 9-1-1.

-Try Luke again.

-Come in for a nightcap.

-I’d love to.

-It’s Kékfrankos .

From Hungary.

-Mm.

Spicy.

You have no idea.

You know,

I’m very choosy about men, Luke.

Boys, on the other hand.

On the other hand.

-Boys are a dime a dozen.

Dime a dozen.

Boys are like wine

that just went into the barrel.

Just went into the barrel.

They haven’t become complex...

complex, or interesting.

They’re just an amalgam of chemicals...

Hormones...

testosterone.

Boys are only good for two things:

Keeping me young...

and becoming men like you.

-Come.

-You know breaking and entering is a crime.

-Heavens, yes! A very serious crime.

-Glad that’s on your radar.

-Luke!?

-Luke? - Hm...

She needs the moonlight.

Block the moonlight

-Auggie! Snap out of it. Luke! Help Luke!

I’m waiting for you.

Keep waiting, Boszorkány.

Let’s get you out of here.

- Where am I?

What’s-what’s going on?

-Oh.

-Yeah.

-I gotta be honest, big guy...

she’s kinda old for you.

-Redheads.

-Foot spray, spilt beer.

Smells like...

victory.

-Uh, let me know when Susan gets here.

-Ha-ha, hi. -There she is!

My only very slightly younger

but not even a little more attractive sister.

-Uh-huh. -Get her a drink!

-I will tell you when to stop pouring.

- Thank you.

Um...

Uh, what is this?

-White wine shandy.

We add elderflower liqueur to it.

It’s the official drink of the "Listed Sisters"!

It’s our organized group

of powerful female real estate agents

that aren’t at all sad, or trying too hard.

-Sign me up. -Ah.

-Zooey, I love your nails! Where do you get them done?

-I, uh... do them myself. Um...

-I’ve always wanted to get my helix pierced

but I’m too scared.

-Ladies, ladies, relax. You’ll all have

your "Zooey time."

After all, she’s one of us.

One of us. One of us. One of us.

One of us.

One of us.

One of us. One of us.

-One of us. One of us.

-No! Nooooo!

-Huh.

-Oh-ho-ho...

Luke.

-Greg.

-Nice to see you again. -You as well.

-Wah, wah.

-Anywho...

-Are you okay? -You get my messages?

-I did! That’s great! You took a client

that I never thought would amount to anything

and you sold ’em a house!

-A Rita house. -A Rita house

that we’re still going to make half commission on!

From zero to payday. I am so proud of you.

-And all it cost was my soul.

-It is a sale that us grownups make every day.

You did good.

-Oh, and hey...

you are going to love this.

I told Erik Toft that the property he wanted to buy

was the site of horrific murders and bloodletting.

Full disclosure, you know.

And guess what he says...

- No.

-He says an ITF regulation tennis court

is the only proper way to honor their memory.

So that sale is gonna happen, too.

-Wow. -Oh.

-Life is funny. -You got that right.

You seen Susan?

This is her event!

-Uh...

No, actually.

-I have to go.

I planned the event. People are counting on me.

-I’ve enjoyed having you here these past few days.

We’ve bonded.

-Unlock the door!

Shut down security system.

-We’ve bonded, Susan.

-Unlock the door! -Don’t go.

-House! Shut down--

House! Let me out!