Original subtitles

(children chattering playfully)

(whistle blows)

Everybody inside!

Come on. Time for your chores. (clapping)

But, Sister Mary-Mengele, the game’s tied.

Can’t we just play another couple minutes? Please!

No, you can’t. Now get inside!

And pick up that soccer can

and put it back in the equipment shed where it belongs.

Wait a second, Sis, you got to hear us out!

♪ We didn’t ask for this ♪

♪ We didn’t pray for this ♪

♪ I may not have a sis ♪

♪ Or know my mother’s kiss ♪

♪ But that doesn’t matter ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ Everybody is special ♪

♪ We’re not inconsequential ♪

Shut up!

What do you think this is, "The Sound of Music"?

Get in there!

Come on. Enough with the singing!

(rock music playing over car stereo in distance)

Come on, come on, move it.

No wonder your parents didn’t want ya’s.

-(engine revving) -(rock music playing)

(music fades)

(screams)

-(baby cooing) -(gasps)

Good Lord.

Mother Superior, come quickly!

(gasps)

Oh, my!

Angels from heaven!

-Oh, my goodness. -They’re like the Holy Trinity.

I get to give them the first bottle.

-Let me give them a bath. -Can they sleep in my room tonight?

Now, hold on, ladies. Everyone’s going to get their turn.

It’s not my turn. Get somebody else.

Sister Ricarda, how about you?

Will you please go tell the boys to come down for lunch?

Uh, I would, Mother Superior, I swear I would,

but the doctor told me to steer clear of them

for a couple of weeks, on account of my nerves.

How about you, Sister Rosemary?

Oh, yeah. Just like the Army?

Put the black folks on the front line.

Uh-uh. What about Sister Mary-Mengele?

-She knows how to handle them. -Oh, poor thing.

She has a toothache, so she went to lie down.

You mean she’s asleep?

Where are the boys?

Huh, I haven’t seen a case like this in years.

And would you look at all that metal in her mouth.

Must be too much iron in the water.

Don’t you worry, Sis. You’re in good hands.

-We’ll have that bum tooth out in no time. -(grunts)

-No. -Anesthetic.

-Anesthetic! -Anesthetic!

15 milligrams.

-Give. -Five, ten, 15.

-(chuckles) -(hollow pop)

(snoring)

-(knocking) -MOTHER SUPERIOR: Boys?

(warbling groan)

-Open up, please. -It’s the head penguin.

Boxcar seven on three. Break.

One, two, three.

I said, open this door.

-(keys jingling) -(lock clicks)

(violin playing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" off-key)

What are you three up to?

Just dabbling in the arts.

-Indubitably. -Oh.

-Well, lunch is ready. -Oh, boy! Eats!

(whooping)

(children chattering)

You’re not gonna believe this.

That rich couple just called; they’re gonna be here in five minutes.

Oh, goodness! But we’re not prepared.

All right, well, you’d better inform all the children

and tell them to make themselves presentable.

What about, um, Moe, Larry and Curly?

Well, you know what to do. Just throw them some chew toys and keep ’em out of sight.

We were thinking that, um,

maybe this time, we could hide the other kids,

and then with a little help from the Lord, we could...

-It’s called the bait and switch. -(gasps)

Absolutely not!

Look, as much as I would love to see those boys get adopted,

I’m afraid they’re not ready yet.

And I can’t chance scaring off another couple.

That’s it.

-I quit. -What?

It’s too dangerous living around here with those three boys.

I need a safer working environment.

-But where would you go? -Don’t worry about me.

I got a cousin who hauls traps on one of those Alaskan crab boats.

One of the crew fell off and got eaten by sharks.

He’s gonna slide me right into that slot.

You think they got room for one more?

Okay, hold on, everybody. Just-- Just wait a minute.

(sighs softly)

Have the boys meet me in my office.

WOMAN: I hope you’ll forgive us for coming early.

We just couldn’t stand to wait another day.

Oh, we understand, Mrs. Harter.

This is a great surprise.

We have three delightful youngsters for you to meet.

Three? ’Cause we were under the impression there were more than that.

Nope, that’s it. Just the three. Children, get on in here.

Mr. and Mrs. Harter don’t have all day.

(harmonizing) ♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪

BOYS: Hello!

(hollow pop)

-How precious! -(laughs)

Yes, I certainly don’t envy you

having to choose between such amazing children.

The choice is easy. I’m your guy.

(tapping rhythmically)

-That is so cute. -Absolutely adorable.

-(softly): How long’s he got? -Hmm?

-He’s taking chemo, right? -No, no, no, he’s healthy as a mule.

And almost as smart.

-Recede, Bojangles. -(groans)

Pick me. I make the best potato peel and eggshell smoothies in town.

-(chuckles) -If you choose me,

I’ll let you play with my pet rat, Nippy! I even taught him a few tricks!

Oh, boys and their rodents. (chuckles)

Mother Superior, may I have a glass of milk, please?

Oh, who’s this?

Hi, my name’s Teddy,

and someday, I’m gonna have a puppy.

-(boys groan) -Oh, my God, he’s wonderful.

I thought you said there were only the three.

I never said that. I said "about three."

MOTHER SUPERIOR: All right, Teddy, get in line with the others. Go ahead.

-(growls) -Down, boy.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Straighten up, boys.

Mr. and Mrs. Harter have a big decision to make.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I love you.

Hmm.

Aw.

Yeah.

(sighs)

Teddy, oh, this is gonna be a day you’ll never forget.

My wife and I have decided that

our family won’t be complete

until you tell Moe

-that he’s coming home with us! -(laughs)

-What? -What do you say, sport?

You want to be part of a real family?

Boy, would I ever!

(chuckles)

Oh, thank you. We were so excited.

If you fellas are ever out in horse-country...

-(Curly sniffling) -...shopping for a polo pony,

you’ll uh, you’ll look me up, right?

Sure, Moe.

Well, you know... Keep in touch.

Ah, quit your blubbering.

What are you trying to do, rain on my parade?

No, Moe! These are tears of joy, honest!

Sorry.

You fellas mind if I have something to remember you by?

You name it, Moe.

-(loud ripping) -(Larry grunts)

Come here, groundhog.

Oh!

Thanks, fellas.

Hey, Moe, do you know what day today is?

No clue.

It’s your birthday.

-Really? -Well, to us it is,

because today is the day that you came into our lives.

So... what would you like as a birthday present?

Ah, I’m good. This-- This lollypop’s really hitting the spot.

-(both chuckle) -Oh, now, come on.

Come on, there’s got to be something that would make your birthday complete.

Just go crazy, champ. Anything your heart desires.

Well, when you put it that way.

Well? What is it?

He, uh...

He wants us to go back and get his two friends.

Oh, Moe. (chuckles)

Three youngsters are an awful lot to take on, like, all at once.

Oh, don’t you see, Pop, that’s the beauty of it.

It’s not gonna cost you a dime extra. Them two termites can bunk with me.

I’ll even split my meals with them.

Yeah, I don’t know, Moe. It’s just...

And you don’t have to worry about sending them to fancy schools,

’cause they’re not interested in reading or numbers.

Heavy lifting and ditch digging, that’s their dream.

Wow.

Those guys really mean a lot to you, don’t they?

They’re all I’ve ever had.

Moe’s right, honey. We can’t possibly separate these three boys.

There we go. That’s my mom talking.

Forget it! It was a bad idea!

I don’t want nothing!

Mommy! Daddy!

Please!

(panting) Don’t go.

Moe!

Moe, what are you doing back?

Uh...

-I, uh... -Come on, spill it!

-What happened? -Ah, they were full of baloney.

Soon as we got on the road, they start spouting off

about me eating my veggies and washing behind my ears and chores!

Get this.

They wanted me to clean the pool and squeegee the tennis courts.

Every week!

Oh, and by the way...

-(hollow clank) -Oh!

That’s for all the stupid things you did while I was gone.

-I told you he’d find out! -Come on.

Let’s go start a small brush fire and whiz it out.

(sighs softly)

(drills whirring and hammering)

It’s 12:05 and nothing rang.

Weren’t those morons supposed to fix the bell last week?

Have patience, Sister Mary-Mengele, they do their best.

At least they’re working on something in there.

Yeah, they’ve been at it all morning.

Yeah well, I think I’ll go have a little word with them.

When are you clowns gonna fix that...

(drills whirring and hammering)

(tools stop)

(snoring, whistling, sighing)

(snoring, whistling, sighing)

I knew it.

(snoring, whistling, sighing)

(snorts, whistles, grunts)

(grunting groggily)

(all groaning)

-It’s an earthquake! -Man the lifeboats!

-Women and children first! -(gasps)

It’s Attila the Nun! She’s a hundred yards out and closing fast.

(warbling groan)

You’re lucky I’m not in charge,

or you three would’ve been run out of here a long time ago.

Now, get up on that roof and fix the bell,

you no-good lazy bums!

Who are you calling lazy?

You! And if any of you's got a problem with it,

you can step forward right now.

Oh, yeah? You got something to say?

Go ahead, champ. Show her who’s boss.

(grunts and whoops)

(snapping fingers rhythmically)

-(fingers cracking) -Oh!

(screaming)

-(barking) -(hissing)

(whimpering barks)

-(warbling groan) -(hissing)

LARRY, CURLY AND MOE (chanting): And left, right, left and right!

Left, right, left and right! Left, right, left and right!

-Left, right, left! -And company halt!

Drop anchor. Here we go, here we go.

There we go.

(sighs)

ALL: Success. Success. Success. Success. Success. Success.

All right, break it up!

How are we gonna get at the bell? It’s hiding in that box.

Why don’t you go buy a toupee with some brains in it? We’ll cut it open.

Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chain saw.

-Why doesn’t Larry go? -’Cause he’s got a headache.

-No, I don’t. -(loud clank)

-How about now? -Yeah, it’s coming on.

(Murph whistles) Hey, guys, how’s it hanging?

-Heya, Murph. -LARRY AND CURLY: Hey, Murph!

You feeling any better? We missed you at the poker game last night.

I’m okay, I guess.

So, who was the big winner?

Ah, Peezer cleaned us out.

Peezer? He’s seven.

Yeah, but he wears those sunglasses, you can’t tell what he’s thinking.

CURLY: We’ll check in on you later, Murph. (snaps fingers)

-See ya. -Bye, Murph.

See you, Murph.

(knocking)

Monsignor Ratliffe?

We weren’t expecting you.

I need to speak to Mother Superior.

It’s, uh, rather urgent.

Here you go, Murph. Look what I brought you.

Oh, boy! Cheese!

Where did you snag this from?

Mousetraps up in the attic.

(spits and groans)

Oh, come on, Murph.

You got to keep up your cheese molecules

so you can get your strength back.

Enough with the melodrama.

I’m sorry, Murph. It’s just, ever since my brother, Weezer,

got shipped to that foster home, you’re all I got.

Oh, Peez, come on. Don’t start feeling sorry for yourself again.

You think you’re the only kid in the world who ever watched his parents drown,

then got sent to an orphanage, then a couple weeks later,

had his only brother dragged away kicking and screaming?

-Dude, it happens. -Yeah.

I know I’m being a wuss again.

Look, Peez, I’m not going anywhere.

You and me, we’re family now. We’re BFFs forever.

Just like Moe, Larry and Curly.

-MOE: Where’s Curly with that saw? -How should I know?

Well, come on. Let’s try to pry this thing off.

All right. We’ll get this done the right way.

-Yeah. -Watch yourself. Wedge it.

(both grunting)

We’re getting nowhere fast. Wait a minute. Hey, mongoose, grab that sledgehammer.

On the count of three, hit down on this thing.

You got it.

Starting to get a half a brain in my skull here.

(grunting) One, two, three.

-Ow! -Oh! Oh, sorry, Moe.

It was an honest mistake. Honest.

Oh, that’s okay, kid. Mistakes can happen in the best of families.

This sledgehammer is probably just a tad off-kilter.

-Yeah, it did feel a little funny. -Here, let me have a look.

-Yeah, I know what you... -(loud clank)

-Ow! My neck! -How do you feel now?

-(neck cracking) -All right.

That’s good. Come on. What’s the matter with you? Quit wasting time.

And there’s nothing else we can do?

I’m afraid not.

(sighs)

Please send for Moe, Larry and Curly.

I better give them the news first.

Yes, Mother Superior.

I hope you’re also going to tell them who’s responsible for this.

Oh, let’s not play the blame game, Sister.

I’ll just tell them what they need to know.

(high-pitched humming)

-(honks horn) -Nyuk.

(chain saw buzzing)

(yells)

(barking)

-(snaps fingers) -Ah.

(hums)

(humming)

-CURLY: I got the saw, Moe. -Yeah, well, you’re too late.

Aah! What’s the matter with you? You trying to hurt someone?

Why, you--

-(metallic clinking) -(pained yelling)

Oh, look.

-(groans) -Now look what you did.

It’s not my fault. It was a chain reaction on the saw.

-See? Saw. -(clapping)

-Oh, a punster, eh? Where’s that hammer? -No! No, not that!

-Give it to me. Anything but that! -No, Moe, please! Oh, Moe!

-MOE: Give me the hammer! -Oh, boys.

No, no, Moe! I’m a victim of circumstance!

I’ll circumstance you.

(gasps)

Those morons.

-MOE: Why, you... -(Curly yells)

What the...

Hey, quit horsing around, you two. You’re disturbing my coffee break.

Oh, boy, donuts! Where’s mine?

-They’re small. -Ah.

-Why don’t you have two? -Okay.

Oh! (grunting)

Oh, now look what you did, Moe!

You got donut stuck in my ears!

Hey, you’re in luck. They got a donut remover right here.

-What’s a donut remover? -It’s one of these.

-"Do-nut remove-uh." -MOE: Huh.

-What are the odds of that? -Hey, mugwumps!

-Mother Superior’s looking for you! -Here, let me get it for you.

(frightened grunting)

(bell clangs)

(all gasping)

LARRY: Uh-oh. Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?

I don’t know, but the face rings a bell.

Remind me to gouge your eyeballs out later.

Don’t move a muscle, Sis. We’ll be right there.

-Come on, get going. -Be careful.

-Here we go. -Whoa! Whoa!

(yelling)

(all groaning)

CURLY: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry!

Fellas, do something!

Moe. Moe!

What’s the matter with... (groans)

Call 411! (whimpers)

MOE: Quick, help me move Sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her.

-All right, come on. -(clanging)

-(both whimper and yell) -(screams and grunts)

(groans)

-Come on, you! -(gasping)

You, help out. You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.

-(clanging) -(groaning)

See, I told you there’s too much iron in the water.

Speak to me, Sis. Say a few parables.

I save 15% on my car insurance.

She seems fine to me.

Come on, let’s go see what Mother Superior wants.

-(clanking) -(whooping)

(horn honking)

(screaming)

(frantic chatter)

Hey, look! Some wise guy is roughing up the Sisters.

Why, you...

Ah, come on. Oh.

-What? No. -Picking on girls, eh?

(grunting, grumbling)

-(tearing) -How do you like that, pretty boy?

-(grunts and screams) -Think you’re pretty smooth, huh?

(grunting)

(gasps)

(grunting)

Squoosh! Squoosh! Squoosh! Squoosh! Squoosh!

Get off of him! Off! Off!

Oh, I’m so sorry! Oh, I’m so sorry.

Oopsie-daisy! Oh!

Oh, I’m so sorry. What are you doing?

We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns.

This is no lounge lizard. He’s here on official business.

Official business? Why didn’t you say so?

(snapping fingers and clapping)

-Pick me, I’ll clip your hedges. -I’ll hedge your clippers.

-I’ll fetch your slippers. -I’ll scrub

the stench right off them dentures.

You idiots!

-(groaning) -RATLIFFE: I’m not here to adopt!

This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.

Oh. Sorry about that, Senor Ratlips.

Children, Sisters, everyone, please...

...gather round.

I have an announcement to make.

Oh, we getting pizza?

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Come, come.

Pull it in.

I’m sorry to have to tell you all this,

but due to the recent economic downturn

and some unforeseen expenses,

the orphanage will be forced

to close down at the end of the month.

(children gasping)

But what’s going to happen to the children? And us?

RATLIFFE: Well, you Sisters will be spread around the diocese,

and, uh, the children will be sent to foster homes.

Oh, boy, Fosters. That’s Australian for beer.

Would you like that in a bottle or a mug?

-I’ll take it in the mug. -You got it.

-(grunts) -MURPH: Foster home?

Forget it!

I’m not going to end up like Peezer’s brother, Weezer.

If someone wants to adopt me, I’ll listen,

but I’m not going anywhere where they’re getting paid to love me.

Cheer up, Murph! There’s talk of pizza.

Wait a minute, Monsignor. There’s got to be something we can do.

Yeah, what’s it going to take to save this place?

-A lot of this. -LARRY: Oh.

Well, that’s doable. How many boogers we talking about?

Not boogers, dollars, you moron!

830,000 of them, to be exact.

(warbling groan)

You can’t let them close us down, Mother.

You can’t! This is our home.

Hold on there, skin tags. When do you need that money by?

-30 days. -Well, consider it done.

CURLY: That’s right. 30 days from now, we’ll have enough cash

to rent ten of these kid factories.

Oh, yeah? How?

Why, uh... By doing whatever it takes.

-We’ll climb mountains. -We’ll forge rivers.

-We’ll forge checks. -(chuckling)

MOE: Come on, let’s get packing.

Attention!

(groans)

About face.

Company march!

-(whistling) -March! March, march, march!

(cheering)

-LARRY: Good-bye, everybody. -CHILDREN: Bye!

Bye guys. Bye. You take care.

-No cheating in cards. -BOY: Say hi to Santa!

-I’ll say hi to Santa. -Yeah, I will.

I’m concerned.

Those three boys are going to be eaten alive out there.

We’re gonna try sushi!

BERNICE: They don’t even know anyone their own age.

All they know is nuns and kids.

She’s right, Mother Superior.

You know how long I’ve waited for this day,

but now that it’s here, I don’t know.

Well, what choice do we have?

They either leave today or next month.

Like Moses in the desert, I believe the Lord will guide them,

because they’re pure of heart.

And dim of wit.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Boys.

Good luck to you.

Here’s a little money to get you through your first few days.

Good luck, guys.

Don’t worry, Peez.

You can tell Murph we’re going to be back in a flash with the cash.

-Yeah! -(cheering)

(chuckles) All right, children.

Let’s say good-bye.

(harmonizing): ♪ Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye. ♪

ALL: Good-bye.

♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I’m gonna let it shine ♪

♪ Oh, this little light of mine ♪

♪ I’m gonna let it shine ♪

♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪

♪ Let it shine ♪

(hums bass notes)

-♪ This little light of mine ♪ -♪ Oh, Lord ♪

-♪ I’m gonna let it shine ♪ -♪ I’m gonna let it ♪

♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I’m gonna let it shine, yeah ♪

-♪ This little light of mine ♪ -♪ I’m gonna let it... ♪

Shut up!

MARY-MENGELE: This ain’t a revival! It’s an orphanage!

She’s right. Time’s a-wasting.

Let’s saddle up, boys.

MOE: Come on, get busy.

-Seat belt, check. -Check.

-CURLY: Check. -Bell tone.

(bells jingle)

-ALL: Check. -Towrope.

-Check. -(rope whipping)

Hey, bunion-head, you forgot to tie us off to the handlebars.

I couldn’t reach it, so I tied us to the back tire.

Oh, good.

-(warbling groan) -(yelling)

MOE: Oh, you feather-brain, I’m warning you!

LARRY: Hey, I think we got a flat tire.

CURLY: I’m getting rug burn!

(all groaning and grumbling)

("Three Blind Mice" playing)

-MAN: Do we really have to knock him off? -WOMAN: What?

Why can’t you just divorce him?

You know why.

His father made me sign a prenup.

So what? We have each other.

We don’t need your husband’s money.

Maybe we don’t need it, but I want it.

Look, if you’re too much of a wuss, just tell me.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I told you.

I’m all in.

I want your hubby gone just as badly as you do.

I’m just new at this. That’s all.

Okay. So how are we going to do it?

-Uh, what is that racket? -(trumpeting and drum beating)

LARRY: 830,000 dollars.

First taker gets a three-man working machine.

It’s all spelled out in this here contract, folks.

That’s right-- No job is too small.

We’ll press your pants. We’ll shine your shoes.

We’ll raid your fridge and drink your booze.

-Nyuk, nyuk. -What’s the matter with you?

-Quit giving away the fine print. -Hey, what’s the idea?

Shut up. Now, smarten up, you two.

Or have you forgotten there’s a bunch of little kids counting on us?

And we’ve only got 27 days left to raise that dough.

Hey bub, your trousers are falling down. Let me help you.

Hey, man, you trying to get yourself capped?

Oh, no thanks. I don’t wear hats.

Why would I with a head of hair like this?

You believe this guy?

Crazy, man.

See you later, fellas.

I think we just found the answer to our prayers.

Boys, we’re getting nowhere fast. Now, spread out and go drum up some business.

-All right. -(rat squeaking)

-Go on. -I’ll go when I’m ready.

-Are you ready? -Sure, I’m ready.

-Go on! -(Curly whimpers)

LARRY: 830,000 bucks.

We prefer it in hundreds, folks.

Hmm.

(low chatter)

(whooshing)

Wow.

In the wrong hands, this thing could be dangerous.

Guys, we’ve been at this for days now,

and all I got is a hole in my shoe.

Ah, the kid’s right.

There must be a better way to make a living.

Come on, think.

("Final Jeopardy" countdown music plays)

(gasps)

No, no.

(snaps fingers)

(whooping)

-Look, he’s on to something. -Spit it out, tiger.

-I can’t! It’s stuck! Jar it loose, Moe! -(hollow pop)

What about a job where you could sleep all day,

meet beautiful babes at night and make millions for doing absolutely nothing?

Oh, boy! That’s genius.

So what’s the job?

-That is the job. -Oh, that...

-And who’s going to pay you? -The boss.

You know, it’s just crazy enough to work.

Why, you... And you.

-(yells and groans) -Come on in here.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, look, Moe, I think we got a customer.

Whoa! Would you look at those getaway sticks?

(barking and panting)

Spread out.

I’m the foreman here. What can we do for you?

I’ll pay you $830,000

for a job that won’t take you more than ten minutes.

Oh, we’ll take it. Who do we have to murder?

-(all chuckling) -My husband.

-(warbling groan) -(teeth chattering)

Sorry, lady. You came to the wrong place.

We’re working stiffs, not common crooks.

But you don’t understand. You will be doing him a great service.

-Says who? -Says me.

-Who are you? -I’m her husband.

Wait a minute. You mean to tell me

she’s planning your funeral and you’re okay with it?

Well, I know it sounds a bit peculiar.

No, no, no, that doesn’t sound peculiar. This sounds peculiar.

(rattling)

-(chuckling) -(groans)

(sighs) Okay.

My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more.

Pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

CURLY: I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah.

-It’s called coma toes. -(Larry and Curly laughing)

(mock laughing) Oh, coma toes, huh?

Yeah. Oh!

-Are they awake now? -(Curly growls)

Gentlemen...

Gentlemen.

ALL: Oh.

I’m sure you can understand why I prefer to leave this world

on my own terms rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.

I don’t know. It sounds illegal.

Wait a minute, legs. Did you say 830,000 bucks?

I did.

(whistles) That’s a good day’s pay.

Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That’s exactly the amount of money we’re looking for.

MOE: You’re right. This must be fate, time bomb. You can count us in.

Ah, that’s swell.

(all chuckling)

-(groaning) -Thank... thank you.

-Now, here’s what we were thinking. -ALL: Yes?

I’d like you to sneak into our bedroom

in the middle of the night and smother me while I’m sleeping.

ALL: Yes, yes.

But do not turn on the lights.

ALL: No, no, no.

Wait a minute. Why don’t you want the lights on?

Well, I want it to be a surprise.

MOE: Oh, I get it. You don’t want to see it coming, eh?

Bingo.

Hey, look, it’s the guy from that thing, all the kids are talking about.

(whimpering and grunting)

-(tires screeching) -Whoa, whoa...

(groans)

(gasping)

Huh?

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help...

(groaning)

-(laughing) -That settles that.

Success. Success. Success. Success. Success. Success.

Thank ya. Thank ya. Thank ya.

What did you do? That was not the plan!

What are you yakking about? He just said he didn’t want to see it coming.

Hey, hey. You look like you could use a grief massage.

-Huh? -Let it go. Let it go.

Try to live in the now.

Get off me!

Too soon?

(whimpering)

(distant siren wailing)

(sizzling)

(sniffs)

Hey, you smell garbage burning?

(all whimpering)

(gasps)

What are you doing here?

We want the do-re-mi you owe us, lady.

Yeah, 830,000 bucks.

Plus meals.

May I have a moment, ma’am?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

-Mind your P’s and Q’s. -Oh, don’t forget to dot the I’s.

-Certainly. -(chuckles)

(mocking grunt)

(groaning)

I’m afraid I have unfortunate news.

I’ve just received word that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.

Oh, no.

-So Mac is dead? -No.

No?

-Are you sure? -Oh, yes.

He’s still alive, but he’s in bad shape.

Your husband is in contact with the hospital.

He said he’d call with any news.

Thank you, Carbunkle.

LARRY: Come on, blondie. Pay up. A deal’s a deal.

(all groan)

Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died,

and on that count, you have failed miserably.

-You mean he’s still kicking? -That’s right, you idiots!

You have ruined my life. Now, get out of here!

(all screaming)

(grunting)

(panting)

(neck cracking)

-Boy, what a hothead. -Women!

Wait a second, with her hubby laid out in the hospital, nursing them tire tracks,

it’ll be easy pickings to slide a pillow over the poor schlump’s face

and give him the surprise send-off he wanted.

Good thinking! We’ll be doing the guy a favor

and making enough money to save the orphanage.

It’s like killing two birds with one pillow.

-It’s colossal. -It’s stupendous.

It’s even mediocre.

-(nose honks) -Ow!

-Say, ah. -Ah!

-(Curly and Larry groaning) -Come on!

(sighs)

Okay, you lumps. Just keep your lips zippered.

I’ll sweet-talk our way in. (clears throat)

-Hey, bulldog. -(growling)

How’s about being a sport and letting us visit an old pal?

-What do you say? -Can’t you read?

-Visiting hours are over. -Even for family?

-Are you family? -Certainly!

Oh, yeah? What’s your relation?

His mother and my mother were both mothers.

You heard me, no more visitors.

Come on.

-(snaps fingers) -Follow me. I got an idea.

(hollow pop)

(punches and slaps landing)

-(woman shrieks) -(Curly barking)

-(glass shatters) -(grunting)

-(panting) -(screaming)

-(punches and slaps landing) -(nose honks)

That the best you can do? You’re scaring the customers.

I’m sorry, I didn’t bring my false eyelashes.

-(tearing eyelashes) -(grunting)

-Hey! What’s the big idea? -Mind your business.

-(groans) -No Moe, what are you...

-Ooh, ooh! -Hold still.

There you go. There.

Oh. (chuckles)

Now go on over to that information desk and find out where the hubby’s room is.

Hurry.

(Larry humming)

Let me see that.

-Oh. -(loud crash echoing)

Ow!

(high-pitched voice): Oh. Excuse me, dreamsicle.

That patient who got hit with a bus, what room is he in?

That would be 386.

Okay, thank you.

Say, I haven’t noticed you around here before.

-I like curvy woman. -(giggles)

I bet you say that to all the gals.

What do you say, me and you go out Saturday night,

grab some falafel and couple of pops?

-(giggles) -Huh?

Why wait, when you can have a pop right now?

-(loud slap) -(grunts)

-How’d you make out? -Mm. I don’t know.

-I guess we’ll find out Saturday night. -Yeah, we...

-No, I mean with the... -Look!

-(warbling groan) -Hey!

Stop them!

(whooping)

In here!

(panting hysterically)

Doctor?

Uh, excuse me, may I have a word with these ladies?

Doctor?

-(hollow pop) -Oh.

(deep voice): Yes, proceed.

Thank you. Come on, girls.

Let’s get these diapers changed, ASAP!

(clapping)

-(warbling groan) -(babies cooing)

The bulldog’s still out there.

Well, come on, let’s blend in till the smoke clears.

But we don’t know anything about babies.

What’s there to know? You check under the hood, and if there’s a leak,

you change the filter. Come on, get busy.

CURLY: Ah, triplicates!

Nyuk, nyuk.

(talks gibberish)

-(finger crunches) -(Curly screams)

-(growls and barks) -(diaper rips)

Oh, you must be French.

That’s a lot of wee-wee. (chuckles)

All right, raise your hand, who wants to go first?

-(spitting) -(chuckles)

Fine. You bat leadoff.

Here you go. You like that? We’ll fix you up.

(screams)

(groans)

(gasping)

Double-crossers, eh?

Oh!

(metal clanking)

Hiya, boys. Yeah.

Now who do we got? (laughs)

Nyuk, nyuk. (screams)

Oh, oh! No, Moe! Take it easy!

Let’s talk this out! Come on! (spitting)

-Yeah, yeah. -Oh, a pee-shooter, eh?

-Yeah, I’ll fix you. -Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hey!

Where’s your hypocritical oath?

Here it is.

(laughs)

(spitting) That’s it. It’s on!

Oh!

Freeze.

Put him down now. Real slow.

Don’t do anything stupid. This one’s got a hair-trigger.

-(baby blows raspberry) -Now slide him over.

(baby laughing)

Any last words?

(babbling)

-What is going on? -(chuckling)

(warbling groan)

(whooping)

(woman speaks indistinctly over P.A.)

386. Come on, this is it.

There he is!

Mongoose, turn on the tube so nobody hears us.

Chowderhead, start smothering him while I wedge that door shut.

MAN (over TV): Dream kitchens at dreamy prices...

All right, bedsores, nap’s over. Time to get you some exercise.

-Here we go. There we are. All right. -(man groaning)

There we go. Yeah.

(man groaning)

Okay.

-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. -There. Don’t go nowhere.

(high-pitched humming)

-Oh. -I thought I told you to smother him.

I am, I’m smothering him in onions.

-(chuckles) -Oh, good thinking, Emeril.

-Yeah, let me see that! -Oh! (yells)

MAN (over TV): We have breaking news from the city zoo.

-(lion roars) -Oh, look a kitty cat.

Our own KPUT news team is on the scene.

WOMAN: Well, it’s been a bad week for Lenny the Lion.

CROWD (chanting): Free the lion!

His nasty disposition has prompted local zoo officials

to put the proud cat on a short leash inside his pen.

Zoo employees were refusing to clean

the ornery beast’s cage after several recent close calls.

(grunting)

CROWD (chanting): Free the lion! Free the lion! Free the lion!

Uh-oh, he’s gone!

MOE: No, he ain’t. He’s turtling.

We’re gonna need to blast.

Mutton-head, you got any dynamite?

There we go.

-(laughs) -Fire in the neck hole!

-Ooh! -Take cover!

(gasping)

(sniffing)

(gasping)

(warbling groan)

(muffled explosion)

Nurse!

Nurse!

Nurse, help!

Hey, hey, just relax, pal. We’ll have a toe tag on you in no time.

(muffled): No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

-Now what? -You don’t need to kill me any more.

-I’m cured. -Cured?

-What are you babbling about, plaster-boy? -The bus--

They say it knocked the disease right out of me.

The doctors couldn’t believe it. They say, it’s a miracle.

A miracle. Just our luck.

(door rattling)

-Quick, hide! -(warbling groan)

(screams and grunts)

I’m telling you, those bums are in here.

This is the room they were looking for.

MAC: Psst.

Hey.

(warbling groan)

-Ooh! -(barks)

NURSE: Get ’em!

(whoops)

Break time, ladies.

Couldn’t have come fast enough.

(radio playing music quietly)

(panting)

Huddle!

Boxcar 45 on three. Break!

One, two, three!

(loud clank)

LARRY: He don’t look so good.

Check his pulse.

Nothing.

You mean, he’s...

-Not on my watch. -Quick, get me the paddles!

Clear!

(irons sizzling)

(screaming)

(all screaming)

It’s a zombie!

Run for your life!

NURSE: There they are!

(whoops)

-(groans) Fellas, it’s too high... -(hollow pop)

(screaming)

-Why, you lamebrains! -(loud slap)

Hey, look! A fire hose.

We can lower ourselves down to the ground.

The kid’s right. It’s foolproof. Come on!

(all screaming)

(grunting)

(groaning)

-(clank) -Oh!

Why don’t you watch where you’re going, bud?

I’m sorry. 100% my fault.

Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I...

Moe?

Larry!

Curly! Is that you?

Depends who’s asking. It’s me, Teddo J. Harter.

Who? Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy.

You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.

What’re you trying to pull?

The Teddy we knew was this tall and only had one shoe.

Yeah, and he didn’t sound like you.

Here, look.

I got a snapshot of me and the ’rents leaving the orphanage.

LARRY: Hey, it is you!

I was wondering, how are Moe’s folks doing?

-They seem like good eggs. -Yeah, well, Dad’s doing great.

I work with him at the law firm downtown.

But Mother, she passed on several years ago.

-Hunting accident. -ALL: Oh.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

So, you boys on Facebook? I’ll poke you.

-Better yet, I’ll tweet you. -Oh! Tweet us to dinner?

Certainly!

Hey, wait a minute. Where are you guys living?

-You know the Ritz Carlton on Oak Street? -Oh, sure.

Yeah, we’re camped out in the Dumpster out back.

LARRY: But not the dirty, beat-up green one,

it’s the shiny blue one right next to it.

Oh...

You know, I’ve got an idea.

Why don’t you guys come crash at my place?

Just until you get your feet back on the ground.

-Oh, boy, that sounds terrific! -We’re not going anywhere.

-What are you talking about, Moe? -(clears throat)

Thanks, Teddy Bear, but we’re gonna stay put.

We got too many irons in the fire right now.

Of course you do.

Hey, look, I got to get going. I’m supposed to be visiting a friend.

Wait. Let’s get a quick pic first.

-What is that gadget? -This is an iPhone.

Eye-phone? Hello?

Hello! There’s nobody there.

Works better on your ear. Here, come on, everybody.

Where do you think you’re going?

-Here, let me get... -What’s going on?

-Smile! -(Curly grunts)

-(camera clicks) -(laughing)

Oh, that’s great.

Oh, it’s so good to see you guys, really.

You haven’t changed a bit.

(chuckles)

Hey, what... You got rocks in your head?

Teddy was trying to help us out, and you blew him off. What gives?

-We’ll help ourselves out. -Well, what about the orphanage?

Teddy’s dad has dough. Maybe he would’ve given us the 800,000 bucks.

Yeah, we don’t need handouts from that chump.

We told those kids we’d come up with the cash,

-and that’s just what we are going to do. -Yeah, how?

Well...

we still got that seed money, don’t we?

-Seed money? -The cash Mother Superior gave us.

-This 72 bucks is our ticket to riches. -Riches?

(whoops) How do you figure?

Well, it’s seed money, right? Well, what do you do with seeds?

-Spit them out. -Oh!

You plant them. We’ll become farmers.

Farmers? I always wanted to be a farmer.

-To the farm. -To the farm.

-To the farm. -(playing "A-Hunting We Will Go")

♪ A-farming we will go ♪

♪ A-farming we will go, a-farming we will go ♪

♪ A-farming we will go. ♪

Lydia, you won’t believe who I saw today.

LYDIA: Huh?

I said you won’t believe who I ran into today.

I can’t hear you, honey. What are you saying?

When I visited Mac at the hospital today...

-Mm. -I wasn’t paying attention,

and I literally

ran into these three guys, I haven’t seen since I was a kid.

Mm. Yeah, that’s nice, nice.

(spits)

Are you okay, pudding?

I’m fine.

Anyway, I’m thinking of inviting them to our anniversary party.

Yeah, they look like they’re a lot of fun.

LARRY: Here’s a little drink for you, Elsie.

Jonesie, you got to hold still in order to get a drink.

Hello, Maritza.

You’re getting your color back.

(flies buzzing)

-Ralphie don’t look so good. -Poor guy’s drying out.

Oh, good for you, Ralphie. Realizing there’s a problem is half the battle.

LARRY: Hey, look, our first customer.

(whooping)

What are you doing?

Only selling the finest farm-raised salmon in the county. That’s all.

Yeah, they’re all free-range. No nets, no cages.

-They can go wherever they want. -Plus we have smoked salmon.

Oh.

But this is a golf course.

LARRY: So what? We let them play through.

-What’s your beef? -Yeah, we’re trying to save an orphanage.

Look, are you here to buy fish, or are you just kicking the tires?

-(siren whooping) -LARRY: Hey. Do your job.

-Cart path only. -I’ll cart path you, you little--

-(hollow sound) -(warbling groans)

It’s the Five-O. Scram!

You again!

(grunting)

Oh, my back.

(warbling groan)

Stop right there!

(whooping)

-Got you! -Aah!

-(screams) -LARRY: Hold still.

-(grunting) -Hmph!

-(horn honks) -(yells)

-What’s the matter with you? -(yells)

Come on, you.

-Yah! Yah, mule! Yah! -(whinnies)

(panting)

MOE: Whoa! Oh!

-(Curly sputters) -Easy, Seabiscuit. Easy.

(whinnies)

-We’re trapped like rats! -Speak for yourself, rodent.

(grunts)

We’re going to need a battering ram.

-(grunts) -You go that way. I’ll go this way.

-Okay. -(wheezing)

-Heave-ho! Heave-ho! -(Curly whimpering)

Fellas, ease up, you’re squeezing my ankles too tight.

-MOE: Quit your whining. -Ho!

(all grunting and groaning)

-Oh, that was a close one. -What is that? What's with the light?

I got a better question.

Why didn’t we go live with Teddy when we had the chance?

Now we got no Teddy, no seed money, no nothing.

Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.

How dare you accuse me of having pride.

-(grunts) -Back off!

I won’t.

-Okay, kid, you got me. -Oh.

You know, I’m proud of you for finally standing up for yourself.

-Oh. -Let’s shake on it. There you go.

-Get out of here! This is all your fault. -(loud clank)

-Me? -You start with a...

-(hollow pop) -Oh! Oh!

Oh, sneaking up on me, eh? And you.

-Get over here! -(hair rips)

-(Larry yells) -(grunting)

-What’s a matter with you? -Whoa, whoa!

-Whoa! -(loud clank)

Why, you!

Moe, not that! Anything but that!

(grunting)

Why, you. There you-- Oh!

-Oh, there you go! -(laughs)

-(grunting) -Get up there!

-(grunting) -(loud slapping)

(all yelling)

(pained grunting)

(hollow pop)

(all panting)

All right.

-ALL: Ah. -(all chuckling)

(hollow pop)

-(Curly grunting) Why, you! -Stop it! Stop it, Moe.

I’ve had it with you.

You are the cause of all of our problems since day one.

How do you figure?

You should have gone and lived with Teddy’s folks

back when they wanted to adopt you.

Yeah, that way you could’ve come back and helped us all out.

But no, the great and powerful Moe was too lazy to squeegee the pool.

Ah, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Oh, no? Why do you think we never got another shot at getting adopted again?

It’s because when you messed it up that day, you messed it up for all of us.

Look, if you two got ants in your pants, then why don’t you just leave?

I’m getting sick and tired of looking at your monkey-faces anyhow!

Being with you two is like dragging around a couple of boat anchors!

Well, fine.

Then...

Good-bye, Moe.

LARRY: Yeah.

Good-bye.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go on, scram!

I bet you two earthworms won’t last a day without me.

(grunts)

(door closes)

(applause)

(cheering)

Bravo! Brilliant! Just brilliant!

What an original way to showcase your personality.

-By putting on a skit. -Very smart.

-Huh? -That is exactly what we’re looking for!

Someone who’s not afraid of confrontation,

who’s passionate about his opinions, right or wrong.

That’s what America craves!

-What are you flapping about? -Oh, he’s beautiful!

Congratulations, sir.

You are the newest cast member

of the world’s number-one-rated reality show!

(cheering and applause)

CURLY: 90% off all our treats, folks!

We got chocolate, vanilla, strawberry.

No reasonable offer will be refused.

It’s remarkable, it’s refreshing!

Nyuk. It’s repulsive.

-What was that for? -I told you we’d need more ice.

Hey, look, a zoo. What do you say we go in and chisel a lunch?

-All right. -CROWD: Free the lion!

LYDIA: What are you waiting for? Just go in there and do it.

What are you crazy, el pollo loco, in the head?

I can’t just walk in the main gate and shoot them.

There’s people in there, there’s protesters, there’s cameras everywhere.

Okay, just give me the gun and I’ll do it myself.

Why do you got to do that, huh?

Why you got to turn everything into me being a weakling?

I’m not being weak. I’m being smart.

Oh, yeah.

The polar bear is found mainly in the Arctic Circle

and the adjacent land masses as far south as Newfoundland Island.

The male bear you’re looking at weighs over 1,000 pounds

and can become quite aggressive.

When hungry, these bears devour large amounts of food rapidly.

Despite its fluffy fur and teddy-bear look,

the polar bear is actually

one of the most ruthless, predatory carnivores on the planet.

(dolphin squeaks)

I’m worried about Moe. I mean, you and me, we’re survivors,

but Moe, I ain’t sure he’s got the right social skills.

Yeah, I’m worried, too.

I don’t know how he’s gonna fit in out there.

I mean, just look at his haircut.

-People must think he’s insane. -Yeah.

Wait, wait.

Give me a boost.

(grunting)

(loud honk)

(grunting)

-(nose cracking) -No!

Hold on, hold on! Don’t push, don’t push!

(screams and grunts)

And hurry up!

(wheezing)

(lion growling)

Penguins?

No?

(roaring)

(whimpers)

(roaring)

Good kitty.

I have a gun.

Don’t make me use it.

(roaring)

(screams, gasps)

(growling)

(laughing)

(clicking rapidly)

Hey, little fella, you want a peanut?

(squeaking)

Dolphins love peanuts, you know.

Here you go. Catch.

-(clicking rapidly) -(warbling groan)

(choking)

Oh, my God! I think he’s snufficatin’!

Don’t worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.

Oh!

(panting)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

(grunting)

-It ain’t working! -I’m coming.

(choking)

You’re doing it wrong! Get out of the way!

(grunts)

-(roars) -I tawt I taw a puddy tat.

I did! I did!

(grunting)

-(roars) -Come on. Come on.

Come on, boy. Who’s king of the forest now, huh?

(grunting)

(wheezing and choking)

-(grunting loudly) -(yelling)

(peanut whistling)

-(groans) -(gasps)

(roaring)

(Mac screams)

-The five times... You paid... -(TV channels changing)

♪ Get crazy, get wild Let’s party, get loud If you want to have fun... ♪

-Have you ever seen this show? -Huh?

-No. -It’s a hoot.

♪ Get loud, if you wanna have fun and do something ♪

♪ If you wanna have fun and do something Get crazy, get wild ♪

What the...

That’s-- That’s him.

-That’s who, dear? -That’s-that’s Moe! He’s on TV!

♪ Get loud, if you wanna have fun And do something crazy ♪

-Yeah. How’s that Whynatte? -This is like, my fourth or fifth.

What happened last night? What kind of flavor?

I like coffee, too.

(chattering continues)

Hey, I’m heading out to 7-Eleven. Anyone up for some gummy worms?

Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka.

By the way, why are you even on our show?

-You look like a stretched-out meatball. -(laughter)

Did not Moe tell you that he’s using our little program

as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?

Good luck. This guy can’t even buy the right kind of grated cheese.

I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.

-Oh, you don’t like that cheese. -No.

Well, let’s see what we can do about that.

-What are you doing? -Oh, boy. Here we go.

-How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? -(Ronnie grunts and screams)

-What are you, crazy? That’s assault! -Here’s your pepper. Shut up!

-My man! -Who asked ya, muscle-head?

Moe! You can’t just go around hitting people.

-No? Well, can I do this? -(grunts)

-Hmm, rare bouquet. -(groans)

Are you kidding me? Who does this?

LARRY: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend.

$3.50 reward. Dead or alive.

-Here you are, pal. We’re missing our pal. -Thank you so...

Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of these flyers on the pronto.

(high-pitched humming)

-(sharp panting) -(humming)

-(man screams) -Oh! Oh!

Thanks a lot, buddy. Now I got a hole in my head.

Hey, quit screwing with the public.

-(growls) -Cut it out!

Who do you think you are, huh?

Oh, I see. When Moe slugs you, it’s okay,

but when Larry does it, it’s not good enough!

No, no, no, Larry, it’s good enough, it’s just that... You’re not doing it right.

When Moe hits me, it’s just, I don’t know, better, you know?

Ah, you got rocks in your head. I’m hitting you just the same.

-No, you’re not. You do this. -(grunting)

And Moe does this. And Moe doesn’t do this.

-He does this. -(nose honks)

You see? (chuckles)

Ah, you’re right.

Come on, think.

Where would we go if we was Moe?

Home!

Home.

Yeah.

(whistles)

♪ Lord, I feel like ♪

♪ Going home ♪

(rat squeaking)

Where is everybody?

♪ I tried and I failed ♪

♪ And I’m tired and weary ♪

Hello?

Anybody home?

MAN (over TV): Hi, I’m Al Cerrone. Four-wheel-drive SUVs

just like this with a gas-saving, six-cylinder engine,

only $19,995.

And pickups, automatic and air, only $16,000.

-My promise is you’ll be... -Sister Ricarda.

Boys, what are you doing here?

We’ve been looking everywhere for Moe. Have you seen him?

Yeah.

I-I see him almost every night on TV.

He’s on that Jersey beach people show.

You didn’t know? Moe’s a big celebrity now.

Oh.

Good for him.

Yeah.

Looks like he didn’t need us after all.

So what happened here? Where are all the kids?

Well, they’re closing us down on Monday,

so we had to start moving everyone out.

But we told you to wait! We were gonna get the money!

-You got the money? -We got the money?

Well, no.

But we’re working on it.

-Oh. -Oh.

Well, at least you tried.

BOTH: Peez!

(chuckles)

Thank God you’re still here.

They tried to shoo me out, but I told them I wasn’t leaving without her.

Without who?

Murph?

I’m sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.

Why isn’t she in a hospital?

-Well... -MARY-MENGELE: I’ll tell you why.

Because we don’t have any medical insurance.

Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Yeah.

Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it with you!

Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance?

It’s because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years,

there’s not a company on this earth who’ll cover us

until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims!

And that’s why we’re being closed down!

That’s enough, Sister.

Wait, what-- You mean the orphanage is closing...

...because of us?

Check it out, Larry, Curly.

You’re responsible for that.

You are, and that other moron.

-(Murph moans) -(flatline beeps)

Oh.

Sorry, excuse me.

-(beeping stops) -Yes?

No, no, I want it with custard, not whipped cream.

I ordered an eclair, not a Twinkie!

♪ You know, it’s funny how freedom ♪

♪ Can make us feel contained ♪

♪ Yeah, when the muscles... ♪

-Is that what you think? -Shut up!

-Hey, yo! -You, too. Here’s another one.

(chuckles)

Hiya, Snook. I got you a present.

-Really? For me? -Yeah, go on, open it.

-Ow! -(laughs)

(both laugh)

♪ When you speak or scream ♪

♪ And every day That you want to waste ♪

♪ That you want to waste, You can ♪

♪ And every day That you want to wake up ♪

-(grunting) -Now, there you go.

(laughing)

(both laughing)

(warbling) Why, you...

(hollow knocking)

(both laughing)

You see that?

You see that?

-Business. -Oh!

(groaning)

Why, you!

(both laughing loudly)

-Why, you! -(microwave beeps)

(electrical crackling)

(Larry and Curly laughing)

♪ And every day That you want to wake up... ♪

Kickham, Harter and Indagroyne, may I help you?

Yes, I’ll connect you now.

Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but the clown college is on the ninth floor.

Oh, no, I’m here to see Teddy Harter.

Tell him it’s his old pal, Larry, from the orphanage.

Oh, Teddo’s not here.

He’s out making arrangements for his anniversary party.

All right, then can I speak to his old man?

Mr. Harter is at lunch, but he should be back soon.

-Nice glasses. -Thank you.

You got a little spot there. Let me help you out.

(spits)

Here you are.

Good as new. By the way, do not lick those.

I’m just getting over pinkeye.

Mr. Harter.

-Just the guy I wanted to see. -I’ll take the case.

Please tell me it was Supercuts who did this to you.

No, it’s me, Larry.

Moe, Larry, Curly, remember? From the orphanage.

-(snaps rhythmically) -(barks)

Oh, my goodness.

Well, congratulations, you’re still in remission.

So, what brings you here?

Look, I’ll cut to the chase, moneybags. We’re in a jam.

The orphanage needs 830 grand, or it’s going belly-up.

Plus, we got a sick kid getting fitted for angel wings.

Terrific! So who do we sue?

Oh, no, there’s no one to sue.

-We need you to give us the money. -Yeah.

But we’re not looking for a handout, mind ya.

We’ll work off every last penny right here in these halls.

Yeah. Look, I’m sorry, but uh, I’m committed to several other charities.

And besides, I don’t have that kind of money just laying around.

But if you decide to sue the orphanage, I’m in.

Uh, Mr. H, please. I know what you’re thinking.

That we’re both lazy bums like Moe, b-but we’re not.

Uh, some of us aren’t afraid to get our hands dirty.

What? No, I never thought of Moe as lazy.

LARRY: It’s all right. That slug told us the whole story

about why you dropped him back off.

Well, I can assure you it had nothing to do with his work ethic; he was ten.

No, what-- What happened was, he wanted us to go back for you two,

and frankly it was just, it was too much for us.

You mean...

He wouldn’t go without us?

No, he wouldn’t. He was very adamant

about wanting us to adopt all three of you and...

It was just out of the question, you understand?

Any-who, got to skedaddle. Late for a meeting.

But if you ever do want to sue anyone for anything,

a slip in the tub, a bone in the fish-- I’m your guy.

(sighs)

Hey.

Who’s this lady?

That’s Teddo’s wife, Lydia.

-Teddy’s wife? -Yep.

Oh, she’s one lucky girl.

Then who is the guy on the end?

Oh, that’s Teddo’s best friend, Mac.

Well, then who’s Mr. Fancy-Pants in the top hat and scarf?

That’s a snowman.

-Yeah, but what’s his name? -Yeah.

Now, look, either you kick Moe off the show, or we’re suing him!

Like, with a lawyer!

Court sounds okay to me.

You know, we could probably do a cross promotion with Lockup.

SNOOKI: Great, just great. So basically, what you’re saying is

this whole show is all about the ratings?

Uh, yeah.

-ALL: Oh! -Unbelievable.

Look, just ’cause she’s wearing a genius hat doesn’t mean she is one.

-MAN: Hey! -(distant slap)

-(nose honks) -(whooping)

MOE: Onion-head! Porcupine!

-Oh, fellas! -BOTH: Moe!

Sorry, boss, I couldn’t stop them.

It’s all right, Johnnie, you’re good, you’re good.

Look, Moe, we owe you an apology.

No, fellas, I’m the one who owes you the apology.

I know sometimes I tend to fly off the handle and...

-No, you don’t. -Yes, I do.

No, it’s just that you get a little upset and you...

Shut up when I’m apologizing!

We don’t have time for that. Teddy’s in a jam.

Yeah, you know that woman who wanted us to take out her husband?

She’s married to Teddy!

No wonder she wanted us to smother him in his sleep!

-Yeah. -I knew I smelled a...

-A rat! -(women screaming)

That’s no rat. It’s Nippy.

How you doing, buddy? Aw, I missed you, too, Nipps.

LARRY: Come on, we got work to do.

We got to get to Teddy before his wife does.

Come on! (chuckles) (snaps rhythmically)

-Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. -Oh!

-Come on, Romeo. -Are you kidding me?

There’s three of them?

I don’t get you, Lydia. Why would you throw a big anniversary party for Teddo?

I thought we were trying to kill the guy.

We are. I just want lots of witnesses for when that dope

accidentally falls headfirst from the balcony.

Oh.

Well...

you two are certainly looking rather cozy.

(both laugh)

Good Lord, Mac, what happened to your face?

New kitty.

-Ah. -I’m gonna go freshen up my drink.

BOY: Mrs. Harter, can we please go upstairs and play in Teddo’s game room?

No. No, no. You can’t go upstairs.

Teddo is busy entertaining some of my bridge club friends.

Go, play with the balloons.

But my stupid brother popped all the balloons. This is the last one.

We can get more balloons. Carol, go get more balloons.

Yes, ma’am.

Madam. Madam.

Sir, madam.

(dogs barking in distance)

(warbling groan)

Oh, no! No!

(grunting and groaning)

-Now, we got to... -(grunting)

-Oh. -What’s a matter with you?

You had the rudder. Don’t you know how to drive?

It just went out of control.

-What kind of poodles are those anyway? -Standard.

Well, there’s your problem. I can’t drive a standard.

You blithering idiots!

-What do you think you’re doing? -Out of the way, 3PO, we got to get Teddy.

-(hollow popping) -(grunting)

This is an invitation only party!

Now, good day!

Great, now what are we gonna do?

WOMAN: Here. Send those balloon men in as soon as they get here.

-Will do. -(snaps fingers)

That’s our cue, boys. Come on!

MOE: Balloon men coming through.

Out of our way. These things are heavy.

There you go, crusher.

-MOE: I don’t see him anywhere. -CURLY: I smell lobster.

Okay, you two. Now, spread out and look for Teddy.

And remember, a man’s life is at stake here.

-Ah. Here you are, short stack. -Thanks, mister.

(piano playing elegant tune)

(swallows) Ah.

You’re up, pal.

No, thanks.

My, that’s an interesting haircut.

Ah, thanks. But it’s not without some help.

I have a great deal of product in there.

Hey! Where are your manners?

-(bell dings) -Attaboy.

(gulping)

Hmm.

(slurps)

-Ah. -Ah, how’s the dip?

Here, try it for yourself.

Mm.

Aspen is so yesterday.

This season, we’re thinking of going to Banff.

Hey, Jumbotron, you seen Teddy anywhere?

No, I haven’t.

How rude.

MOE: Pardon me.

-What are you grubworms doing? -Getting seconds on lobster.

-Seconds? -Mm-hmm.

I thought lobster upset your stomach.

I dipped it in pesto-bismol.

-Oh, you like dipping, eh? -Yeah.

-Come here. -(yells and sputters)

(crunching)

-(yelling) -(laughing)

Look, it’s Santy Claws.

-Claws! -What did I tell you about puns?

-No, no! -(yells)

(screaming and grunting)

(high-pitched wail)

-(crunch) -(pained yell)

-(grunts) -(laughing)

(gasps)

(Larry yelling)

-(honking) -(groaning)

I... Excuse me, I go. (chuckles)

What, are you trying to get us thrown out of here? I’ll fix you.

No, Moe, no! Where is your dignity?

(grunts)

(muffled screaming)

Hold still, mister. I’ll get it.

(clank)

One second.

Those three idiots are here.

The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

No, the three bums. They crashed the party.

Oh, God. We got to get them out of here before they ruin everything.

Madame! (chuckles)

May I present to you my masterpiece?

-Oh, yes! -(woman screams)

Somebody, help her!

Mommy!

(all gasping)

(warbling groan)

MOE: Think of something, lamebrains.

Hey, look-- A balloon popper.

Oh. (laughs)

-I’ll get it. -What’s the matter with you?

That’s a kid up there. Where’s your gun safety?

(gun fires)

-(people screaming) -(Moe whimpers)

(laughing)

That was awesome!

No!

(chef sobbing)

-CHEF: Mon gateau! -Come on, fellas.

Pardon me.

(warbling groan)

(warbling groan)

Hey! Fellas, wait up!

-(grunts) Ooh! -Come on.

Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what’s the matter?

-Come on, boy. Speak to me. -Who are you?

-It’s us-- It’s Moe... -Larry...

-And Curly. -Guys...

-What are you doing here? -All right, buddy, we got you now.

(warbling groan)

-TEDDY: Hey, Mac. -Oh, honey.

Thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.

That ain’t the only thing she’s doing behind your back.

Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.

And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.

Lydia, what are they talking about?

Honey, I am as confused as you are.

All I know is that these men crashed our party,

and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.

MOE: Teddy, you’ve known us since you were a baby.

Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches.

We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?

Wait. Lydia...

Why am I still in bed if the party’s going on?

-I’ll tell you why. -(gun cocks)

Oh, Mac.

(warbling groan)

MR. HARTER: Don’t even think about it, Mac.

(sighs and chuckles)

Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.

Not a problem.

Good work, Dad.

You know, I had a feeling something was going on,

but you, Mac?

I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?

It wasn’t my idea. She was calling the shots.

I swear.

MR. HARTER: No, Mac.

I was calling the shots.

(chuckles)

(warbling groan)

I suggest we finish this discussion

in a more secluded place so as not to ruin the party.

Yes.

After all, it is my anniversary.

(chuckles) Ouch.

TEDDY: I don’t get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?

Well, son, I didn’t get rich simply by lawyering.

I married into it.

Unfortunately, when your mom passed away,

she left everything to you.

So you were just using me to do your dirty work.

Oh, you cracked the code.

(Curly laughing)

What’s so funny, butter bean?

Nothing. Nippy’s whiskers are tickling me.

Who’s Nippy?

-Him. -(squeaking)

(screaming)

(tires squealing)

(all screaming)

Take it out!

(screaming)

TEDDY: Open the door!

Shoot the window out!

No! It’s wet!

Why would you let the gun get wet?

AUTOMATED VOICE: When possible, make a legal U-turn.

(muffled shouting)

(all gasping)

How long will the air last?

Maybe five minutes if we stay calm.

-Oh, we got to break a window. -It’s impossible.

There’s a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.

Great! Great!

How could this possibly get any worse?

-(sniffing) -(all groaning)

I’m sorry. I guess the pesto-bismol didn’t help with the lobster.

-Did you eat the shells again? -I don’t know!

It was on the plate, and then it wasn’t.

Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?

-No. -(Moe groans)

All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.

-Why, you... -Oh!

Give me that.

-Everybody close your eyes! -Maybe that’s not such a...

(booming)

(gasping)

(squeaky chittering)

MAC: Come on, come on. What’s it gonna take?

Come on. What’s it gonna take? Let’s make a deal. I-I...

-LYDIA: Shut up! -You shut up. I’ll sing like a canary.

-Just get in there. -You know, you name ’em, I’ll blame ’em.

-I don’t care. -(door closes)

It’s ironic, isn’t it?

Here I am, the so-called lucky one who got adopted,

and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had.

You know, you’re happy with yourselves and with each other.

That’s a real blessing.

So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?

Funny you should ask.

Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?

Uh... no.

That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off

to military school when I was seven.

And he just... He just tried to murder me and run off with my wife.

And-and you expect me to just give money

to the women who handed me over to that monster?

I’m sorry, guys. I’d do anything for those kids and-and you guys, but...

I can’t do that.

Uh... sorry.

MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Harter. Could you come over here and give us a statement?

Yeah.

Right this way.

(nippy squeaking)

"Donut remover."

(groans)

♪ When you’re lost In the rain in Juarez ♪

♪ When it’s Easter time, too ♪

♪ And your gravity fails ♪

♪ And negativity Don’t pull you through ♪

♪ Don’t put on any airs... ♪

(all sigh)

MOE: Well, we sure botched this one pretty good.

What else is new?

I wonder what happened to Murph and Peez and the rest of the gang.

(crying)

-I sure do miss those guys. -(children laughing)

Why, it’s almost like I can still hear the sweet childhood sounds

of laughter and swimming and tennis.

I know what you mean. I... Wait a minute.

-We didn’t have swimming and tennis. -And we didn’t have laughter.

-Hey, fellas, look. -BOY: Pull!

-(gun fires) -BOY: Yes!

(splashing)

(loud cheering)

(chuckling)

When you got nine teammates, you got to pass it. You got to pass it.

Sister Bernice?

-(warbling groan) -(whistle blowing)

That’s it! I told you one at a time on that board.

You all just lost your diving privileges for the rest of the day!

The party’s over, you little water weasels!

What’s going on here?

Oh, crud.

Come on.

-Hiya, Sister. -Oh, hello, morons.

MURPH: Hey!

-Moe, Larry, Curly! -MOE: Hey, guys.

-How are you guys? -Hey, what’s going on?

-Oh, boy, did we miss you guys! -Welcome home, guys.

-You look great, Murph. -That’s ’cause she’s not sick any more.

Turns out I just had some form of metal poisoning.

Nobody listens to me.

I told you there’s too much iron in the water.

Boys, where have you been?

We’ve been looking for you everywhere.

Well, I guess we just didn’t have the nerve to come back and tell you...

we failed.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Oh, you didn’t fail. Look at our new home.

New home? Who paid for all this?

-You did! -Huh?

MAN: The kid’s right. The money’s coming out of your pocket.

Sorry, slick, but we don’t have that kind of dough.

MAN: Oh, you will. See, the network has taken the liberty of paying off

the orphanage’s debts and building the new complex. Think of it as an advance.

All’s you got to do is sign right here, boys,

and you three will be the stars of our next big reality show,

Nuns Versus Nitwits. What do you say?

Oh, gee!

I always wanted to be a nun!

Oh, and by the way, the Jersey Shore kids pitched in for the down payment.

Hey, everybody.

-Oh, hey, Teddy. -Hey, Teddy.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Gather round, everyone.

-I have an announcement to make. -(clapping)

Teddy and his fiancée, Ling,

have just discovered that our Lord and Savior

has left her barren,

so they have decided to adopt.

(all gasp)

Hoi! Hoi!

Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!

Spread out! Pick me.

I promise I’ll go this time without any fuss.

Oh, I’m sorry, boys, but they’ve already decided who they’re adopting.

So how about it, Murph?

Will you be a part of our family?

MURPH: Are you serious, dude?

Me? And you’re not even getting paid?

Oh. Um, sorry, mister.

Your offer is very nice and all but...

I think you better pick someone else.

It’s okay, Murph.

You should go.

This is your big break.

Not a chance, kid. Not without you.

TEDDY: Well, I guess we’ll just have to take all three of you.

What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.

TEDDY: Well yeah, of course, but there’s also the kid

that we just sprang from the foster home across town.

Peezer!

Weezer!

(chuckling)

(cheering)

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Pack your bags, you three. It’s time to go home.

Three cheers for the boys. Hip, hip, hooray!

MARY-MENGELE: Oh, please!

-Hip, hip, hooray! -ALL: Hip, hip, hooray!

-Hip, hip, hooray! -ALL: Hip, hip, hooray!

Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once.

Oh, you said it.

-(Mary-Mengele grunts) -CURLY: Oh! Oh!

(warbling groan)

I’m going to mash your heads...

...like potatoes!

(warbling groan)

-(Curly whooping) -Whoa!

(warbling groan, yelling)

Hey, fellas, wait. Wait up!

Whoa! Whoa!

How do you steer this thing? Oh, boy.

Hello, everyone. I’m Bob Farrelly.

And I’m Pete Farrelly. And we’re the guys that made the movie you just watched.

We want you to know that all the stunts that were performed in our film,

they were done by professionals. And all the tools are not real; they’re rubber.

Watch this.

Now let’s watch that with sound effects.

-(clanks) -Pretty cool.

Remember that sledgehammer scene?

That, too, made out of rubber. Fake. Isn’t that right, Bobby?

-That’s right, Pete. -(clanks)

See. He didn’t get hurt.

Remember the eye poke?

(hollow popping)

Now let’s look at that again in slow motion.

(popping)

Kids, do not poke anyone in the eye.

It’s very dangerous.

The point is, this movie’s all about fun and games.

So please play safe at home.

Thank you.

♪ I’ll hold your hand when you are feeling ♪

♪ Mad at me ♪

♪ Yeah, when the monsters, they won’t go ♪

♪ And your windows won’t close ♪

♪ I’ll pretend to see what you see ♪

♪ How long, I say, how long ♪

♪ Will you relive the things that are gone? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, the devil’s on your back ♪

♪ But I know you can shake him off ♪

(humming)

♪ And every day that you want to waste ♪

♪ That you want to waste, you can ♪

♪ And every day that you want to wake up ♪

♪ And you want to wake, you can ♪

♪ And every day that you want to change ♪

♪ That you want to change, yeah ♪

♪ I’ll help you see it through ♪

♪ ’Cause I just really want to be with you ♪

♪ And every day that you want to waste ♪

♪ That you want to waste, you can ♪

♪ And every day that you want to wake up ♪

♪ And you want to wake, you can ♪

♪ And every day that you want to change ♪

♪ That you want to change, yeah ♪

♪ I’ll help you see it through ♪

♪ ’Cause I just really want to be with you. ♪

MAN: Hey, is everybody ready?

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Trying to make a dollar in America ♪

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Trying to get a laugh before the burial ♪

♪ Everybody’s serious, everybody’s angry ♪

♪ Everybody’s serious, blood before money ♪

♪ Everybody’s buying, everybody’s fussing ♪

♪ Everybody’s screaming and pushing over nothing ♪

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Trying to make a dollar in America ♪

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Trying to get a laugh before the burial ♪

♪ Everybody’s violent, everybody’s mean ♪

♪ Baby's in the bubble Oh, no, he's causing trouble ♪

♪ Hidie-hidie-high-high, hodie-hodie-ho ♪

♪ Why I oughta Now, don't you block, baby ♪

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Trying to make a dollar in America ♪

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Trying to make us laugh before the burial ♪

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Three Stooges ♪

♪ Three Stooges. ♪

(music fades)

(children cheering)

♪ Do-da-do, Do-da-do ♪

♪ It’s a shame ♪

♪ The way you mess around with your man ♪

♪ It’s a shame ♪

♪ The way you hurt me ♪

♪ It’s a shame ♪

♪ The way you mess around with your man ♪

♪ You’re like a child at play ♪

♪ On a sunny day ♪

♪ But you play with love ♪

♪ And then you throw it away ♪

♪ Why do you use me? ♪

♪ Try to confuse me? ♪

♪ How can you stand to be so cruel? ♪

♪ Why don’t you free me ♪

♪ From this prison ♪

♪ Where I serve my time ♪

♪ As your fool ♪

♪ Why do you use me? ♪

♪ Try to confuse me? ♪

♪ How can you stand to be so cruel? ♪

♪ Why don’t you free me ♪

♪ From this prison ♪

♪ Where I serve my time ♪

♪ As a fool ♪

-♪ It’s a shame ♪ -♪ Hey! ♪

♪ You know it’s gotta ♪

♪ Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta be a shame ♪

♪ Why you ♪

♪ Try to hurt me ♪

(whoops)

♪ You know you got my heart in chains ♪

♪ And I gotta complain ♪

♪ Because I just won’t be content unless I ♪

♪ Why, I’m gonna gouge your eyes out ♪

♪ Both of you bunion-heads ♪

-♪ Ow! ♪ -♪ Oh ♪

♪ It’s a shame how you hurt me ♪

♪ It’s a, it’s a ♪

♪ A shame the way you hurt me ♪

♪ Oh! It’s a shame, a shame ♪

♪ It’s a shame how you hurt each other ♪

♪ You know it’s gotta Gotta, gotta, gotta ♪

-♪ Gotta, gotta, gotta ♪ -♪ It’s a shame ♪

♪ How you’re in trouble ♪

♪ A shame, oh ♪

♪ Oh, whoa ♪

♪ Ain’t it a shame, yeah? ♪

(music fades)