All language subtitles for Alex, Inc. (2018) - S01E10 - The Rube Goldberg Contraption (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 t3nzin)_track3_[eng]

ALEX: Starting my own
podcast company has been
the most exciting,

rewarding, and difficult thing
I've ever done,

but the nice thing is
I can always come home to
the warm embrace of my family.

Don't come in here!

There is no reason to be naked
in the living room, Ben.

And don't throw last year's
Valentine's Day in my face.

No, Dad.
I don't want you to trigger

my Rube Goldberg
contraption.

Wow. Impressive.

But, hey, Ben, check out
this guitar pick

a guy on the subway gave me
for joining his sing-along.

Joke's on him, though.
You couldn't pay me
not to sing

We Are the World.

I was Cyndi Lauper.

Thanks, Dad,
but I'm over guitar.

What? Since when?

I don't remember,
but a long time ago.

Easily a week.

What's up, guys?
Oh, look who it is.

Is that the beautiful
Rooni Schuman

from the yet-to-be popular
podcast Gone Guy?

Oh, actually,
I was at Starbucks
earlier today,

and the woman behind me
was like, "I know that voice.

"Are you Rooni
from Gone Guy?"

It was so exciting.

Eh, I'm sure that happens
to you all the time.

Yeah. All the time.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Attention, family.

Soraya, the marble, please.

I don't know
where it is.

(SIGHS) You had one job!

So, Ben's over guitar now?

How did I miss that?
Am I working too much?

No, it's Ben.
It's hard to keep up.

One day he's vegan,
the next day
he's smoking his own jerky.

You know
what this means.

I'm gonna have to really
up my game for Career Day,

remind Ben
how totally awesome I am.

Ah, yes, the true meaning
of Career Day.

Found the marble.

Yeah, well,
the momentum's still gone.

It's fine.
I'll make it work.

(SIGHS)
Hold onto your butts.

Okay, now,
what's the best place
to watch this?

I want to make sure
I'm in the perfect position

to appreciate
the whole thing.

Wait! Not there!

Soraya, get the frozen peas.

Daddy's concussed.

Okay, first order
of business,

time to check
the weekly podcast rankings.

Oh, God.

I say we downgrade
this ritual

to once a year
and spare ourselves the agony.

ALEX: Every Tuesday,
the ratings came out,

and sometimes it felt like
no one knew our podcast
was even there.

But this was the day
everything changed.

Oh, my God.
This can't be right.

Our Family's Business
is number one.

Hundred?

No. We're number one.

We're first!

We're the most downloaded
podcast in the country!

Look!

I can't believe this.

We got discovered
by the show Shark Tank!

They tweeted, "Check out
Our Family's Business.

"Alex Schuman puts it
all on the line

"to go after
the American dream."

Yeah, we did!

We did it! We did it!
We did it!

Okay.
Remember what we said.

Count to two in your head,
then release.

Nailed it.

No, you can't come back
for seconds.

We're so excited, too.
This is the most...

Hundreds of thousands
of people

had suddenly taken notice
of our podcast,

and, most important of all,
so had our main investor.

You guys, Sacca is going crazy
about these numbers.

He says we have to
run with this.

He says he'll give us
as much money as we need

to deliver five new shows
by the end of the year.

Yay! But, wait,
how are we gonna
pull off five new podcasts?

Sacca said he'd send us
all the help we need

in the form of Serena Bans!

Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me right now?
No.

Serena Bans?
Yeah.

The most famous
podcast producer
on the planet?

Yeah.
First of all,
there's no such thing

as a famous
podcast producer.

Second,
never heard of her.

Are you serious?
You've never heard
of Incredibilia,

The VonTrieger Conundrum,
Anaesthesia,

hosted by Arnaud
and Celine Juh?

Are you having a stroke?
Not yet.

I cannot believe that Serena
and I are gonna be colleagues.

And dare I say friends.

Best friends?

Anything can happen.

Guys, it's really happening.

Our dreams are coming true.

I think
we should hug again!

I don't have time
for one of your hugs.

I agree.
Back to work.

Girl, the last episode
of your podcast was a-mazing.

Thank you.
They have been
so much fun to make.

I think about them
all day long,

usually when I'm supposed
to be working.

Hey, Rooni,
can I have a word?

Oh, sure.

How's the podcast coming?

Oh, um, yeah,
it's okay.

But I want to reassure you
that it will not get
in the way of my work here.

Well, I can reassure you
that it already has.

Maybe instead of focusing
on podcasting,

you can focus on these.

Wow,
that's a lot of cases.

I e-mailed them to you, too,

but I felt like dropping them
on your desk
was more dramatic.

Have fun.

Sure.

Huh?

Oh, my God!
I'm so proud of you!

Thank you.
I'm so excited.

Put your dinner shoes on.

I'm taking you and the kids
out for steak.

Kids!

So, what,
he wants five podcasts
by the end of the year?

That's... That's... Wow!

It is "wow"
and it's totally overwhelming,

but he's sending us
this amazing producer
named Serena Bans.

She hasn't even started yet,
and she's all over it.

(CELL PHONE DINGS)
Probably her texting me now.

Yeah.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

And now
she's e-mailing me.

(PHONE RINGS)

We still have a landline?
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

ALEX: Hey, you've reached
the Schumans. Leave a message.

We still have
an answering machine?
I sure hope so.

I just bought
a 12-pack of tapes for it.

(PHONE BEEPS)
Listen, babe,

I'm really glad
that you got her
because my boss says

I have to start focusing more
on my real job,

which means I can't help out
as much on Gone Guy.

Really?
Babe, it's going so well.

I know. I'm sorry.

What's up, Dad?

Oh! Hey, guys,
wash your little faces.

We're going out to dinner.
We're celebrating.

I can't.
Emma's moms are out front.

I'm doing dinner
at their place.

They're making
Sloppy Janes.

Well, that's too bad.
What about you, Ben?

No, I got to take
a rain check, too.

I'm going over
to Greg's place

and we're editing
my Rube Goldberg video.

Oh, hey! Make sure you don't
let Greg near any Cheez Whiz
while you're over there.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Right?
(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

No Cheez Whiz
for Greg!

We know how that goes.
Classic.

Yeah. Good one, Mom.

I got to tell Greg
you said that.

Well,
tell Greg I said hi.

Who the hell is Greg?

You know, Greg.
Ben's friend.

If Ben
had a friend named Greg,
I think I would know it.

Guys, this is Serena Bans.

These are my amazing partners,
Eddie LaGuzza and...

Deirdre Riordan. Hi.

Longtime admirer,
first time...meeting you.
Hello.

I feel like
I know you both already.

I did some
light Googling and...

Oh, God,
it was sorority rush,

and I had no idea that shaving
a goat's privates
was a misdemeanor.

I did not get
to that page.

Like I said, welcome.

Uh, when you Google me,
you may have noticed

I have a lot of Miata parts
for sale.

Not sure what your Miata needs
may or may not be,

but just know...
I'm your guy.

Anyway... Serena, I thought
we'd ease you in today,

help you get
your bearings.

Oh, no easing necessary.
Let's dig in.

Okay, full disclosure...
I was kind of hoping
we could spend the afternoon

brainstorming ideas
for my son's Career Day.

Every year, I do a bit of
an interactive presentation.

The kids
all look forward to it.
It's super special.

Sorry, dude, but maybe
you shouldn't have been
so damn successful.

Your investors want
five new podcasts,

which, based on my experience,
really means 15,

which means we should
prepare at least 20,

which means
we got work to do.

Yeah.

You're right.

Like I always say,
"Screw the kids."
Let's dive in.

She made us work all day,
but on my way home,

I managed to come up with
a great idea for Career Day.

Ben, your father's
done it again.

Just jiggle the handle, Dad.

No, it's not that.

On the train home,
it came to me. Eureka!

Career Day: The Podcast.

At Ben's School.

Dad...
You guessed it.

I'm gonna do
a live Career Day podcast

where I go around
and I interview

all the different kids
in your class

about what they want to be
when they grow up,

and everyone's participating.

This guy's doing
sound effects,

and this little girl,
you know,

she's on a banjo or a lute,
and we're jamming.

It's like Burning Man
at an elementary school.

Burning Boy.
Learning Man.

I'll have something
on the day.

Yeah, that's
really great, Dad.
Right.

But, uh, I already asked Mom
to do Career Day.

Mom? Whose Mom?

My mom. Your wife?
Rooni Schuman?

(MUFFLED)
What's up, guys?

Her?

I was afraid my career
was driving a wedge
between Ben and me.

(SLOW WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS)

And fear makes you see
everyone as the enemy.

So... I guess congratulations
are in order.

I had just naively assumed
that Ben would choose me

for Career Day,
as he has year after year

after precious year.

Yeah, I was kind of surprised
he asked me.

Hey, babe, can you turn
some lights on, please?

He's obviously punishing me
for being so busy with work.

I get it.
I'm not a fool.

Or he wanted to learn
more about my career
as a public servant.

No.

Okay, well, I'm really
looking forward to it.

I just wish I was
a little less swamped at work.

Seriously,
could you get a light?

I want to warn you.

There are certain kids
in the class

that can get a little testy
with the parents

who have more
"inside the box" jobs,
like lawyer.

You know, it's hard to keep
habeas corpus

from turning
into habeas snore-pus.

Alex.
Hmm?

If Career Day
is that important to you,

you can have it.

Ha! No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

No. No.

No. I'm too busy.

I just have to mourn
the fact

that my son and I are...
Are drifting apart.

Okay? Let it happen.
Maybe dust off some records

and crank
Cat's in the Cradle.

Aah!

It's that golf ball from his
Rube Goldberg machine.

You know what?
I'll get the light.

Another reminder
of a thing

Ben and I don't have
in common anymore.

I have an idea!

How do you like
these sandwiches?

I got them at
a super-fancy sandwich place

where you're only allowed
to order in Dutch.

You've got the
vleesliefhebber on plat brood.

Uh, it's fine.
It's lunch.

Thanks.

So, Serena,
what'd you do last night?

Honestly, last night,
I worked and watched
the Rangers game.

You're a Rangers fan?
Me too.

How 'bout that hat trick?
I thought Mark Messier
was back out there.

Man, when I was a kid,
Messier was my hero.

Mmm. Mine was Janet Reno.

I was a bit of a Jan-nut.
(CHUCKLES)

Actually, I took one
of his slap shots right here.

Wait.

You got hit
by "The Messiah"?

I really did.

I got hit
by the messiah, too.

At least that's
what that minister
in that revival tent said

before he pushed my face
into the ground.

We have so much in common.

I wish I got hit
by a puck.

Best thing that ever
happened to me

was getting food poisoning
at a hot dog cart.

(CHUCKLES)

They gave me free dogs
for a year.

I only got sick
two more times.

(LAUGHS)

You know what? The hell
with these fancy sandwiches.
Let's go get some dogs.

Oh, you read my mind.

Okay, yeah, no, cool.
I'll just be here!

ALEX:
Ben's golf ball had given me
the perfect idea

for how to rebuild our bond.

Oh, hey, Ben.
How are you, pal?

I've actually gotten
into a little bit

of a Rube Goldberg phase
myself.

Can I interest you
in a glass of soda?

Wait!
Before you answer!

Godspeed, little guy.
You got this.

Okay, well, imagine
that had gone down the track,

and then it goes
over the dominos.

Well, imagine that dropped
the ball in the bucket.

And then string, string,
string...

Well, then that
triggers the...
These apples.

Well, I needed more apples
to go in the colander,
but you get the idea.

And then over
at the blower.

(CLICKING)
Stupid batteries
on this thing.

(WHIRRING)

(BLOWER TURNS OFF)
Dad, you don't need
to keep doing that.

I'm not really
into Rube Goldberg anymore.

Greg and I are inventing
our own languages now.

So... Snap, snap,
fizzle, blurp.

Fligglestorp!

Mom's definitely
gonna be mad.

ALEX: At work,
I was trying to focus,

but all I could think about
was my crumbling relationship
with my son.

Al, get this.

Just talked to Theo
from SoundCloud.

They said they'd host
all the new podcasts for free.

We just got to give them
a shout-out.

That's great, Ed.

I thought
you'd be excited.

I've been working this guy
for months.

Why don't you go tell
your new best friend Serena?

And while you're at it,
maybe she wants to see
that hat trick

that you apparently
know how to do
but have never shown me.

Is it just a top hat
that flattens?

Because, if so, yawn.
I've seen it.

What are you
talking about?

Serena's supposed to be
my friend.

We both love podcasts.
We both make podcasts.

What does
she even see in you?

You're the only person
in this incubator
who still uses a Rolodex.

It's like, what are you,
from 19... Whatever year
it was that they used those?

Whoa, this is starting
to feel personal.

Excuse me if I like having
someone in the office
who can talk about sports.

Between you and Alex,
it's all Les Mis
and dry shampoo.

Well, not everybody
puts a gallon of
hair product in every morning.

You know, Deirdre,
I don't think you deserve

a place in here
any longer.

(GASPS)

Let me just quickly access
your contact info.

Okay, I know
you're in here somewhere.

Ha!

Oh.

(LINE RINGING)
(SIGHS)

Hello.
ROONI: Hey, you're not gonna
believe this,

but my boss
is making me go down
to the courthouse now.

I don't know if I'm gonna
be able to make it
to Career Day.

Did I also mention
that I hate this place?

Really?
That's fantastic!

Thank you?
No, I'm sorry, babe,

but this is exactly
the opportunity I need
to fix things with Ben.

I got to do
a big gesture.

Honey, I think you're being
a little manic
about this Career Day thing.

You know,
I was gonna do a podcast
about his classmates.

Instead, I'm gonna do
a Ben-ography.

What? No.
That sounds weird.

You know what else
sounded weird?
Coming to America.

And that turned out to be
a great movie.

I might still be able
to get down there.

Got to go. Bye!

Hi, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, some parents
care more about their career

than their kids,
but not this guy.

I'll take it from here.
Thank you.

Hi, kiddies.

Oh, man.

I'm Alex Schuman,
Ben's papa.

All right, kids,
well, as some of you may know,

I've recently made
a very big career change.

I used to be in radio,
and now I'm a podcaster.

Does anyone know
what a podcast is?

It's radio
on the Internet.

My mom listens to them,
and they're totally boring.

Oh, well.

I guess I don't need
this card.

Nailed this one, too.

Here we go. And what is
podcasting most like?

Uh... That was you, again.

Anyway,
because of that change,
I've had a little less time

to be with the very important
people in my life,

so we are gonna do
a live podcast right here,

and the subject is gonna be
my best friend,

Ben Schuman.

I call it a Ben-ography.

What?
Yeah, what?

Can a man...

Excuse me, young man.
I didn't catch your name.

Greg.
Oh, Greg!

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm so glad you asked.

On with the Ben-ography.

My relationship
with your favorite madman

began 12 years ago
when he came into my life

naked and afraid
as a bouncing baby boy.

(LAUGHTER)

Dad, I'm naked in that!

Everybody has a tushy, Ben.

Even Mr. Durham.
Mmm-hmm.

But, fine, if it makes you
uncomfortable,

I'll skip to my next thing.

Here's Ben starring
in his first-grade production

of Little Orphan Annie.

Now, I know
what you're thinking.

Dad, this is humiliating.
I'm out of here.

Wait! Ben! Wha...
Ben, where are you going?

Ben!

Dude, what did
you do in there?

Never seen kids
more excited to listen

to a presentation on a career
in Orthodontics.

In retrospect,
bringing a nude photo
of a minor

into a classroom
was probably a misstep.

It's definitely different
than what I had planned.

I was gonna have them ask me
what the truth was,

and then
I was gonna scream at them,
"You can't handle the truth!"

Kind of looking forward
to that for weeks.

Yeah, they would have
loved that.

You know what I've been
thinking about?

When I saw
those crazy numbers

and Sacca called
to offer us more money,

I mean, that was beyond
my wildest expectations.

But now that
it's actually happened,

I kind of wish it hadn't.

Mo' money, mo' problems.

True dat.

I mean, my life is so crazy
right now.

Everyone's arguing
at work.

I just
publicly humiliated Ben.

The only time I ever see you
is when you're picking me up

off the ground,
either emotionally
or literally.

Well, on the bright side,
you do fall a lot,

both emotionally
and literally.

What if I were
to tell Sacca

that we're not ready
to expand yet?

Would you think
I was a coward?

For choosing your family
and friends over your career?

I'd say
that's pretty brave.

(DOOR OPENS)
STUDENTS: (CHANTING)
Dr. Gibbs.

Dr. Gibbs! Dr. Gibbs!

Whoa, what a rush!

Those kids were receptive!

Time for an encore.

STUDENTS: Dr. Gibbs!
You thought I was done?

Think again,
ya little bastards!

STUDENTS: Dr. Gibbs!

He's so passionate
about teeth.

Hey, can I talk to you?

Really? It's happening.

What is the deal
with these guys?

What? What guys?

Alex and Eddie.

Alex is never here,
and Eddie...

I mean,
is that guy serious

with his Rolodex
and his pinky ring?

Yeah, he claims that ring
has special powers.

I guess I can
give Alex a pass

because he's
obviously talented,

but Eddie's not
a podcast person.

I'm just not sure that I want
to let some guy's cousin

jeopardize the prime
of my career.

Plus, I have no need
for Miata parts.

Nobody does.
That's the problem.

Look, I get it.

I used to think that Eddie
was a lunkhead
gumming up the works,

but he's really good
at his job.

Plus, he teaches me
old-timey sayings

like "lunkhead"
and "gumming up the works."

He's 1/3 of this company.
We couldn't do it without him.

And I wouldn't want to.
He's my friend.

Well, your friend
is not qualified.

I'm sorry,
but he's got to go.

Well, maybe you're unqualified
and you got to go.

Excuse me?

If you can't recognize
the value

that Eddie brings
to this company,

then that makes me think that
you're not good at your job.

Maybe you need to take
the prime of your career

and blow it out
your French horn!

I'm sorry.
Are you...firing me?

I am!
Can you do that?

I'm not sure!

She can if another partner
agrees with her.

Wow. Okay.

Well, ultimately,
it's up to Alex,
I'm sorry to say.

Oh, good.
You guys are all here.

Serena, I am so sorry,
but I don't think I'm gonna
take Chris Sacca's money.

I just don't think we're ready
to expand that fast.

Is that okay
with you guys?

Very okay.

Uh, does a goat quiver
when you shave its privates?

Sorry, Serena.

It's fine. Honestly,
I'll have another job
in like two minutes.

(DIALING)

(LINE RINGING)

Good job.
We did it.

Back to idle.

When I got home that night,
Soraya said
she was taking us out

to celebrate my "job thing."

And I still had
to make things
right with Ben.

Mom. Soraya.

Person who showed
my whole class
my butt cheeks.

You weren't naked
in every picture, Ben.

In some,
you were wearing your
Little Orphan Annie dress.

Mmm. You're right.
I should be apologizing
to you.

Guys, I'm very excited
you wanted to go
to dinner tonight,

but unfortunately,
there's nothing really
to celebrate.

I decided it isn't worth
having a big company
if you all feel neglected.

Ben didn't even invite me
to his Career Day this year.

Wait, that's why you had
a meltdown in front
of my whole class?

Dad, I don't feel neglected
at all.

The only reason I didn't
invite you to Career Day

was because I didn't want
to make you feel like

you had to go when you had
so much else going on.

Really?

But, bud, I will always
have time for you.

But didn't you
also invite me

because you were a little bit
interested in my career?

No.
Okay.

Look, Mom,
your job's cool,

but Dad's is amazing.

He's building something
that's all his own.

That's what
I want to do, too.

Me too. That's why Emma and I
opened a lemonade stand.

Sweetie, you started
your own business?

Oh, we didn't order those.

She did.

It's okay, Dad.
Business is booming.

Well, don't worry.
I brought my earnings, too.

Good.
What do you think, Al?

Think the kids might be ready
for you to go for it.

Come on, Dad.
You could be huge!

Well... There's really
only one way
I'd be able to do it.

What?

What?

Good morning, you two.

What's all this stuff?
A garage sale?

How much for the ladder?

I've been having
second thoughts

about my second thoughts
about expanding the business.

I mean,
we've worked so hard,

and our goal was always
to expand.

Maybe we should
give it a try.

You know me, I'm all for it,
but Serena was Sacca's choice.

He's not gonna give us
the money

unless we get someone else
he trusts in here
and someone we trust.

Not sure
if that person exists.

But, Eddie,
what if she does?

May I draw your attention
to my balls?

(MODERN ENGLISH'S
I MELT WITH YOU PLAYS)

* I'll stop the world
and melt with you *
Ta-da!

For the record, I just wanted
to walk through the door.

You guys, it worked!

Why do you sound
so surprised?

There you go, Dad.

Wait a second. You're gonna
come work with us?

If you'll have me.

Really? Oh, my gosh!

We are gonna become
best friends! (SQUEALS)

Boop!
Ooh.

Wow. You just booped me.

Yeah, we'll talk
about that later.

Okay.

Isn't this exciting?

She quit her job!

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Like I said, starting
your own company is hard,

but the best part is
that you create a new family.

The problem is,
sometimes you have to choose
one family over the other.

Not anymore.

* I'll stop the world
and melt with you *