All language subtitles for Alex, Inc. (2018) - S01E08 - The Internet Trolls (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 t3nzin)_track3_[eng]

ALEX: To get ready for the launch of our new podcast,

we created a teaser to built excitement.

It had definitely built mine.

Guys, this is
a very big deal.

A sample of what
we've been working on
for the last three months

is about to be released
into the world.

Should we all
click the mouse together?

You can fly solo
on this one, Al.
It's just a teaser.

In high school, everyone
called me "The Tease."

'Cause I was so good
at joking.

Okay, fine.
I'll click it alone.

[MOUSE CLICKS]
And... teaser launched.

Now, speaking of which,
let's talk about this
launch party.

I took care of the chairs.
They're being delivered
tomorrow.

Fifty lawn chairs,
just like you said.

I didn't say
"lawn chairs."

I said "launch chairs,"
as in, for the launch.

Yeah.
No. I... I know.

Oh, did you guys
have a chance
to look at my speech?

Uh, I did.

I wept, and I have
a few teeny edits.

Speech is too long, Al.

What are you
talking about?

It's 52 minutes.
Right in the sweet spot.

At the very least, you gotta
lose Ben's birth story.

Especially 'cause it was such
a straightforward birth.

No, no, no.
The birthing process
is a metaphor

for how this company
came about.

It's a must-keep.

Okay, yeah.
Up to you.

You guys
are the best.

[LAPTOP CHIMES]

Ooh! We got
our first comment.

It says...

"PASS," all caps.

Thanks a lot,
JoeHeartsCalamari.

It's just one comment.

Yeah, but one guy said it,
but that doesn't mean

other people
aren't thinking it.

For every one you see,
there's a thousand more.

I think that's roaches.
Or racists.

Well, maybe he meant "pass,"
like the opposite of "fail."

[LAPTOP CHIMES]
Nope, just posted again.

"To clarify.
this podcast blows."

Well, this guy
clearly doesn't get me.

We have nothing
in common.

Though,
I do heart calamari.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, family.

Ooh, Dad has
his hipster shirt on.

That's right, sweetheart.
I'm headed to
a Brooklyn watering hole

with my co-workers.

I'll probably be the only
one there without a mustache,

so I need to make sure
I look extra cool.

Now, has anyone seen
my purse?

Yeah, your recorder
is on the chair.

Ah, thank you, darling.

I want to get
Eddie and Deirdre on tape
talking about the launch.

I'm hoping, once they get
a few drinks in them,

one of them will say
something profound.

Oh, I listened to your teaser,
by the way.

It's really good.
Ha!

In your face,
JoeHeartsCalamari.

Who?
Just some jerky troll
on the Internet

who left
a very hurtful comment.

Hey, since when
do you read comments?

You never used to care
about that kind of thing
at Cheer Up.

This isn't Cheer Up, babe.
This thing is all me.

This is the very first thing
I've put out there

that is entirely
my vision.

It's...
Exciting?

I was gonna say "terrifying,"
but, yes, it's also exciting.

Well, just try to remember,
you can't please everyone.

Yeah.
Tell that to The Rock.

All done.

Sweetie, do you think maybe
an Iroquois village

should have more than
one thing in it?

How about a tepee?

The Iroquois lived
in longhouses, Dad.

What about when
they went camping?

[SCOFFS]
[IMITATES SCOFF]

Well, how about a stream
or animals, trees, effort?

Nah. This is fine.

"Fine"?
Did she just use
the "F" word?

[SIGHS]
It's like she doesn't
even care.

She's in
the third grade now.

That's when kids
start to separate.

Smart kids over here
and cool rebels over there.

Oh, my God.
She's a cool rebel?

She's gonna
throw keggers.

Are we gonna have to buy
a lake house?

Not if I have anything
to say about it.

Damn it.

I'm gonna make sure
she crushes this project.

Once she gets
a taste of an "A,"

she'll be jonesing
for more.

I remember my diorama days.

I could capture everything
from an ecosystem
to a battlefield.

They called me
"Shoebox Schuman."

But that's all
behind me now.

One day, you look around you
and see there are
no more worlds

left to conquer.

He'll never make us
buy a lake house.

No.

ALEX:
With all our hard work
about to be out there

for the world to hear, I wanted to have a night out,

just the three of us, to celebrate and reflect.

And that's
when I realized,

it didn't matter
who my father was.

It's who I thought
my father was
that mattered.

Wow, Eddie.

Who knew you had
profound stuff in there?

I'm as surprised
as anyone.

That was beautiful,
Eddie.

Hey, what do you guys think
that guy's like?

Who? Eddie's dad?

Well, unless that P.I.
gets back to me,
we'll never know.

No, no.
JoeHeartsCalamari.

Probably a sad loser,
no love in his life.

The only thing
he's ever "hearted"
is a ring of fried squid.

[QUIETLY] Jerk.

Why's this hitting you
so hard?

The guy's a loser.
Stop getting hung up
on it.

You're so right.
Why do I care?

I'm... I'm obsessing
over some nobody.

I don't care anymore.
I'm a grown-ass man.

I'm gonna go tinkle.
Watch my rosé.

Yikes.

Lots of people
say "tinkle."

No, guy's gotten
so sensitive.

I used to be able to break
his balls all the time.

Now I can't even
lightly graze his balls
without him freaking out.

I know!
I can't graze his balls,
either.

Can you imagine
what Alex would do

if we told him
he was being
too sensitive?

He'd be a crying mess.
Mm-hmm.

And he doesn't even
pretend to have something
in his eye, like a man.

He'll cry looking
right at you.

He cried the other day
when I told him

he mispronounced
the word "GIFs."

I think it's "JIFs."

Well, don't cry,
but it's "GIFs."

Oh, hey, Ben,
what do you think?

Soraya really
nailed it, huh?

She had a little help.

Yeah.
There's some good, um,

concepts there.

"Concepts"?

What would you
have done differently?

Mom, I like the diorama.
Ben.

Okay, uh, for starters,
the Iroquois
would never build

a longhouse
next to a waterfall.

There's flooding,
mist, ice hazards.

You gotta put yourself
in their shoes.

Don't you mean
moccasins?

Do you want my help
or not?
Sorry.

Your layout is smart,
but,

it lacks detail
and movement.

I would recommend
a lighting component.

Lighting component.

I didn't even think
of that.

Look, Ben, I really want
Soraya to get a good grade
on this,

so it's gotta be great.

What do you say
you dust off the old
glue gun and help me out?

Mom, I told you.
I'm retired.

But you're so good
at dioramas.

The one you did
of Tiananmen Square

moved Ms. Hemzik
to tears.

She was inconsolable.

Come on, Ben.

You can't tell me there's
nothing left in the tank.

Okay.

But we're gonna use
real tree bark.

Okay.
I'm gonna put on
a pot of coffee.

We got a lot
of work to do.

You're too young
for coffee.

It's for staining
the paper.

If you focus,
I'll try my best
to be patient.

Wow. That is so

clearly not
Soraya's work.

Well, maybe not entirely,
but not entirely mine,
either.

Shoebox Schuman?

Don't call it
a comeback.

How was drinks,
by the way?

It was awesome.

I actually got Eddie on tape
for the podcast

saying something
very profound.

Listen to this.

[BEEP]

EDDIE:
Guy's gotten so sensitive.

I used to be able to break
his balls all the time.

Now I can't even
lightly graze his balls
without him freaking out.

DEIRDRE: I know! I can't
graze his balls, either.

[BEEP]
What the hell is this?

Why are they so
into your balls?

[BEEP] Can you imagine
what Alex would do

if we told him
he was being
too sensitive?

EDDIE:
He'd be a crying mess.

[BEEP]
I'm not sensitive.

Why would they say that?

You'resensitive!

[RECORDER CLATTERS]
Hey! Easy!

You almost took out
my chief.

Ow!

It's a really good
diorama, Ben.

Couldn't have done it
without you.

I do not disagree.

Al? Alex.

Are you still listening
to that recording
from last night?

I'm alternating
between that and Adele.

We've both been hurt
so deeply.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Oh.
Soraya, carpool's here!

Whoa!

Looks a little more like
an "A" project,
don't you think?

This has Ben's nerdy
fingerprints all over it.

False. I used museum gloves
so that wouldn't happen.

Make sure you
show your teacher
this little clock.

When you rotate the hands
to change it to night,

the fires burn brighter.

How am I gonna stuff this
stupid thing in my backpack?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful!
Benny, help her.

Hey, random question.

You don't think I'm too
sensitive lately, do you?

Honey,
I'm sorry your co-workers
said that stuff about you.

You don't deserve that.

You're avoiding
the question.

But there is
a bigger problem here, babe.

I mean, if you can't take
constructive criticism,

your company
can never improve.

You're right.

You're right,
and as long as
Eddie and Deirdre

think I'm too sensitive,

they're never gonna give me
that constructive criticism.

So I need to show them
that I'm not sensitive.

which I'm not, right?

I don't know.
Honestly, I feel like,
lately,

I can't say anything to you
without you scoffing

and slowly turning and
walking out of the room.

[SCOFFS]

[SCOFFS]

ALEX: With the launch
just days away,

I knew how important it was for Eddie and Deirdre

to know that their leader could take criticism.

Oh, thanks, Mark!

You guys, uh, Mark
from the fitness app.

he just told me
that I have a flat butt,

a weak chin,
and chicken legs.

Man, that guy knows how
to tell it like it is.

That's incredibly mean.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's just Mark.

He and I have a thing.
he criticizes me,

and then I just laugh
and laugh and laugh.

I actually love it.

What is going on
with you?

That's like the fourth story
you've told like that.

How many times
can one guy

go into the kitchen
and get insulted?

I guess people just like
to bust my balls,

which I'm notoriously
okay with.

How about you, Ed?

Would you like
to go in the kitchen
and have a go at my balls?

I promise I won't cry.

Wait a minute.

Did you s...

Did you rat me out?

Are you wearing a wire?
I trusted you!

Hey, no one was
wearing a wire.
I'll come clean.

I forgot to hit stop
on the recorder last night,

and I heard you guys
talking about

how you think
I'm too sensitive.

You, um,
you heard that?

Many, many times.

Um, would you excuse me
a moment?

Sure.

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

[INHALES AND EXHALES]

[DOOR OPENS]

I'm very sorry you heard us
talking about you.

It will never
happen again.

We were just blowing off
some steam, Al. Honest.

It's fine. It's fine.
You know what?

A good CEO needs to be able
to handle criticism.

And to that end, we are
gonna read every single one

of these comments
on the teaser, okay?

And once you guys see how it
all just rolls off my back,

you'll realize that I'm not,
in fact, that sensitive,

and that you can
come to me with any
criticism that you have.

It'll help make this company
way, way better.

Okay? Sound fun, sound good,
good plan?

No.
Awful plan.

Okay. Good.
It shouldn't take long.
There's only...

232 comments?

This is just for
the teaser.

Please, let's not
go down this road.

Oh, we're going down
this road, okay?

Come with me. Hey.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Read me one.

Fine.

"This sounds like fun
for the whole family.

"We listen to podcasts
during dinnertime

"so we don't have
to talk to each other."

Oh, that's nice.
Back to work.

No. The positive ones
don't serve the exercise.

I want you to give me
a mean one.

A super, super duper
mean one.

I can handle it.

"We put our dog down
this morning.
This was worse."

Whoo!

It does.
It stings, but I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Great.
Mission accomplished.

Back to the grind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Hold your horses.
One more.

There's my little
diorama mama.

Mnh-mnh.

Nope, just trying stuff.

So, how did
the project go over?

Oh, it was good.
People really loved it.

Feels nice to get
a good grade, huh?

Yep.
My first non-gym "B."

Wait. You got a "B"?

That project belongs in
a friggin' museum.

Did the teacher say why?

I don't know.
When I get a "B,"
I don't ask questions.

Wha... [SCOFFS]
Can you believe this?

Mom, once the diorama is out
there, it's no longer mine.

It's the world's.

No, it's not.

It's ours,and we deserve
an "A". for Soraya.

[SIGHS]

ALEX:
Each comment was like
a knife in my heart,

but I couldn't stop listening to them.

"The only good thing
about this podcast

"is that it will
definitely fail

"and ruin
the terrible host's life."

Another one.

Alex, we've read 100
of these.

And we have 132 more
to go.

Another one.
Come sit closer.

"This podcast makes me
want to gouge my ears out."

"They gave the worst guy
on Cheer Up his own show?"

"So, wait. Company
is called 'Ajana'?

"Well, Ajana
never hear this again."

"I'd rather listen to
a circular saw

"cutting into
another circular saw."
"Middle finger emoji."

"All the people in this
sound ugly."

"If rotting cheese
had a sound..."
"Vomit emoji."

"I beat cancer for this?
#pissed."

That's it.
That's all of them.

Did you hit refresh?

Alex...
Do it.

[KEYBOARD KEY CLICKS]

"Finally, a podcast
made for my brother.

"My brother was born
without ears."

[SIGHS]

I think I'm gonna
call it a day.

It's 3:30.

Alex, we still have to
get ready
for the launch tomorrow.

Al? Al!
Just let him go.

But that's my jacket.

ALEX: Today was the day of our big launch,

but on account of my hurt feelings,

I was having a little trouble taking off my robe.

Morning, family.

Hey!
Made you your favorite
breakfast, honey.

Steel-cut oats,
cut-up banana,

little bowl of syrup
on the side.

[REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS]

Dad, that cake is from
when Grandma was here

three weeks ago.

ROONI:
Oh, come on, honey!
It's gonna be okay.

What am I gonna do
with all these oats?

Is Dad drunk?

No, sweetie.

Not yet.

[KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING]

Hey, Alex.

Whatcha doing there,
Al?

Well, yesterday I was
soaking up all of
the Internet's insults.

But today, I realized
I can change their minds.

Oh, Alex, please tell me
you're not.

Replying to each
and every comment.

Look at this one. He says
the podcast is too short.

"This is actually
just a teaser, my friend.

"The full podcast
is much longer.

"All my best, Alex Schuman."

[LAPTOP CHIMES]
He already replied.

They all reply.

I would read this to you,
but it is a very,
very vulgar suggestion.

"Dear sir or madam,
I am relatively certain

"my mother is not
interested in that."

Okay, forget
these bozos, Al.

This is a sign
of success.

If this many people
hate something,

it's gotta be popular,
right?

Like that fourth hour
of the Todayshow.

Why don't you take today
to recharge, you know,
maybe get some sleep?

We will handle
everything at work,

and we'll see you
at the launch party.

I'm not going to
the launch party.

Alex, you have to come.
Everybody's gonna
be there.

Our investors
and our advertisers.

No.
Do it without me.

I'm having dinner.

We need you there, Al.
You're the face
of the company.

[CHEWS LOUDLY]

Ms. Whitney. Hi.
Rooni Schuman.
Soraya's mom.

We have met
a dozen times.

Of course.
No, I. I remember you.

I just wanted to make sure
that you... Never mind.

Uh, I just wanted
to talk to you
about Soraya's diorama.

Beautifully done.
Thank you!

I mean... I thought
she did well, too.

So, yeah, if we agree,
why the "B"?

You see these?
All B's.

But they're.
But they're amazing.

They sure are.

Guess what else
they have in common?

Both parents
are architects,

Mom is an out-of-work
Broadway set designer.

This one's dad actually makes
dioramas professionally.

Okay. [SCOFFS]
You caught me.

I just got worried
that Soraya's going down
the wrong path.

She's really been phoning in
her schoolwork lately.

Last week,
on her math homework,
she just wrote "nah."

Listen, I've got
a lot of kids

that are destined
for terrible things.

I have a set of twins I call
"the Menendez Sisters".

Cold, cold eyes.
[SHUDDERS]

But Soraya's gonna be
all right.

She's well-adjusted, social,
little bit of a mean streak,

but, hey,
that usually gets you
a homecoming crown.

Really? Great.

I mean, that's.
that's good to hear.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

He'll be here.
He knows how
important this is.

Plus, he's got to be
out of sheet cake by now.

I'm not so sure.

I sent him that selfie of us,
and he responded,

"They celebrated the launch
of the Hindenburg, too."

Honey, why are you wearing
Soraya's security blanket
on your head?

Security.

Okay, babe, I think
I've figured out what's
going on with you,

because I think something
similar is going on with me.

Are you serious?

It is one thing
to mess with me,
HeartsCalamari,

but you
come after my wife.

No. Babe, babe. I'm saying
this company is your baby,

and my baby is, well,
our actual baby, Soraya.

She's hardly a baby.
She barely lets me even
burp her anymore.

I'm just saying,
when something is yours,

there's a lot of pressure
to make sure it succeeds.

But sometimes, people
are gonna give it a "B."

Yeah, or make comments like,
"If road kill had a sound."

You know what?
Forget that guy.

You know what
I realized?

If you have done everything
you possibly can

to make sure that your baby
is ready for the world,

you just gotta let them
do their thing

and trust that
it'll all be fine.

Did you just use
the "F" word?

Not the bad fine,
the good fine.

Oh, you mean
like "foine."

Your podcast and Soraya
are both gonna be foine.

But what if it's not?

I mean, I...
[SCOFFS]

I've put everything we have
into this company.

And it's not
that I'm afraid

people aren't gonna like
the podcast.

I can handle that.

I guess what I'm really
afraid of is,

if they don't,
the company will fail,

and I will have let
so many people down.

Alex Schuman,
there is nothing
that could happen to you

or this company
that we can't figure out
as a family.

And neither one of us
is gonna fail,

'cause we are
good parents.

And your podcast, babe,
is gonna be amazing.

I hope so.

Look, there's one person
who agrees with you.

"Leave my daddy alone.

"He is the best,
and you are a failure."

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, my God.

Did Soraya write this?

Yes. She's so cute
and witty and loyal.

But, man,
she cannot spell.

I know.
"D-A-D-D-D-I."

Three D's
right in a row.

Probably never thought
they'd be together.

What kind of school
is this?

So, what do you think, babe?
Should we get out of bed?

Foine.

Hmm. Frosting.

♪ Love

♪ Love, love, love

♪ Love, love, love ♪

That's it.
We're out of time.

What do we do?
Do we say something?

Do we make the speech?
I can make the speech.

I think I can capture
more of his voice, but
if you're feeling it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to say a few words.

[MUSIC STOPS]

"Watching my wife give birth
to our first child
was both joyful and scary,

"though everything went
according to plan."

Oh, thank God.
Alex, you made it!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hi. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry I'm late,
everybody.

I'm so sorry.

You guys, this place
looks amazing.

By the way, I'm sorry that
I've been being so sensitive.

It's just. I feel like
this company's my baby,

and I have so much
on my shoulders.

It doesn't have
to be that way, Al.

Yeah.
It's ourbaby, too.

Yeah. I mean, maybe you're
the mother,
but I'm like the ob-gyn.

And I'm the father.

That doesn't make
any sense.

It's almost time
to launch.

You're not gonna be able
to fit in your speech.

Well, as my partners told me,
that speech is too long.

Everybody, can I have
your attention
for a second?

Thank you all so much
for coming.

I promise
I'll keep this brief.

As the great Neil Armstrong
once said,

"Let's launch this beyotch."

[ALL CHEERING]

ALEX: When you put your
heart and soul
into something,

it can be tough to release it into the world.

But if you've done your job,

you got to trust that it's all gonna be okay.

[CHEERING]

There are always gonna be haters,

but the important thing is that you listen to the people that matter.

And since this is just the beginning,

I know I have a lot of listening to do.

♪ There is love ♪

Boom. A-plus.

Yes! That's my girl.

Another longhouse, huh?
What a specific curriculum.

Ms. Whitney let her redo
her Iroquois diorama.

Oh.

Because it's not
about a perfect project,

it's about you doing your own
work and giving it your all.

I went a little
overboard before.
I'm sorry.

I forgive you.
This time.

Thank you.

Now go watch something.
You earned it.

This got an "A"?

Doesn't even have a door.

I wasn't gonna panic,
but she misspelled
her own name.

[SIGHS]