All language subtitles for Alex, Inc. (2018) - S01E07 - The Grande Apologano (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 t3nzin)_track3_[eng]

ALEX: Relationships are
constantly being tested.

Alex, let me
do the peeling.

I don't want blood
in my food.

Blood's a good source
of iron.

Both old ones...
Soraya, finish your homework.

Put that game down.

LAUREN: And in London,
they call it the tube,

but here,
we call it the subway.

ALEX: ...and new ones.

Also, they call a truck
a lorry.

And guess what they call
an elevator.

They call it
a lift, Lauren.

By the way, should we be
looking out for your mom?

When did you say
she's picking you up?

Uh, aren't we
staying for dinner?

Oh.

I didn't realize Lauren
was part of the "we."

I am.
Fun.

Fun stuff.

Hey, Mom, can Lauren
stay for dinner, too?

If there isn't enough food,
I totally understand.

You know what?
I'll just tell her
it's a no-go.

Why? I thought
you guys were homies.

I mean, friends.

Lauren's cramping
his style.

Ah, the classic "third wheel."
Doesn't understand
social cues.

I knew I felt a kinship
with Lauren.

Well, have you told Emily
how you feel?

He's too much
of a wimp.

He's been trying to say it
with body language.

Oh, great.

One double-stick
popsicle left.

Lauren called dibs.

Guess I'll take
this half-opened orange
sherbet Push Pop

from the bottom
of the freezer.

November, 2015. Oof.

Ugh. Eddie just sent me a list
of potential podcasts

for our company
to produce.

There's over 200 submissions.

Everyone wants to be
our next big thing.

Anything good?
Some are okay,

some are horrible,
none are right for us.

The problem is that everyone
and their mother

thinks they have a good idea
for a podcast.

You know, I actually have
a great idea for a podcast.

Right? That's exactly
what they all sound like.

No, I'm serious.

Do you remember
the Flannery murder?

Oh, God,
this is happening?

I was fresh out of law school,
clerking for that judge.

The defendant got off,
but the real killer
was never found,

and it's been haunting me
ever since.

Babe, I know
you're trying to help,
but it's not that simple.

It takes more than
a kernel of an idea
to make a great podcast.

There's a certain alchemy...

Dare I say magic to it.

Did that sound pretentious?

Dare I say
yeah, it totally did.

Was it the hand gesture?

No, it was the whole thing.

ALEX: As the podcast
search continued,

our options
were looking bleak.

They ranged from "just okay,"
to, well, this.

It is a show about
interspecies friendship.

Like if a baby bird
falls out of its nest

but lands near a turtle,
so the turtle adopts it.

Or maybe a bulldog
falls in love with a horse.

Okay, but what would
we be hearing?

BOTH: The sounds
of animal friendship.

(CHUCKLES)

EDDIE:
Is this what we're down to?

Unlikely animal friendships?

I know.

I was really hoping
that guy Jeremy's idea

would be decent so I could be
his unlikely animal friend.

Well, why can't you be?

Nobody thought a horse
could ride a whale,

but he proved them wrong.

Wouldn't that be
unprofessional?

I mean,
he just pitched to us.

It seems like it would be
an abuse of my position

to now make him take me
to Cafe Renaldo

and then on a carriage ride
I still have a Groupon for.

See, you got it
all planned out.

You have
to call him, Deirdre.

What do you got to lose?
I don't know.

It's tempting, but it's...

What are you doing?
I'm not doing anything.

You're asking him out.

Oh, my God.
I am so mad at you.

Give that back to me.

Somebody's going out
for drinks on Wednesday.

Oh, I can't believe you.

Unless you're too mad.

I might get over it
by then.

I was thinking we should ride
a tandem bike sometime.

What? Why?

Or, really,
any activity for two people.

Uh, paddle boat, checkers,

dressing up in one of
those horse costumes.

Ben, what is going on?

Do you not like Lauren?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
What?

Come on.
I can read your shoulders.

Ugh.

My mouth can lie,
but these fellas
always tell the truth.

Okay, fine.
I don't like her.

Look, I get it.
She can be a little annoying.

It'd just be great if we could
spend some time together,

you know, just us two.
I know.

But I can't think of
any way to get rid of her.

You know,

the principal
owes me a favor.

Maybe we could work out
a transfer?

You're weird.

Runs in the family.

Oh, hey, babe.

Hey. How'd it go?
Did you find your new show?

Uh, I don't think so.

The best thing we had today
was an oral history

of the history
of oral histories.

So... Probably not.

Well, then,
it is your lucky day.

What's that?
It's a little teaser

Ben and I cut together
so you can hear

what my true-crime podcast
might sound like.

It's probably not any good,
but, you know,
give it a chance.

Well, awesome.
I can't wait to listen.

Oh, whoops.
You almost forgot it.

Oh, can't do that.

That would be
the real true crime.

Hope you like it.
You're gonna like it.

Is this really
the best one we got?

Rolling blackouts
of the Midwest?

Yeah, I stayed awake
for three quarters

of The Darkness
in Des Moines.

What's that?

Oh, Rooni had an idea
for a podcast, too.

She and Ben
made a little teaser.

Is it any good?
I don't know.

I'm afraid to
listen to it.

If it's bad, I'll have
to hurt her feelings,

and if it's good,
I'll have to work with her.

You don't want
to work with her?
Oh, I love Rooni,

but "Home Rooni"
and "Work Rooni"
are totally different.

Sounds like
my first marriage.

There was "Sober Deb"

and then there was
"Face-Down Sundays Deb."

I'm not gonna sit here and say
I don't miss her, though.

"Work Rooni" has to
control everything.

In college, we worked together
at a sub shop

called I Need a Hero.

I get it.
I like that.

Yeah, well, I was
the shift manager, right?

And one night,
we got slammed.

Now, to me,
food was an art form.

Every single sandwich
was special.

But Rooni, to her,
it was just food,

an assembly line,
crank it out.

So we got in a huge fight,
and she threw a gabagool
at my head.

It was during
my kosher phase.

I had a rash
until Shabbat.

After that, I vowed to never
work with her again.

You know, uh,
I hear all that,

and it sounds really hard
for you,

especially
the gabagool part,

but, uh, we got nothing,
so, here, pop that in.

Let's just
give it a chance.

ROONI: On the night
of October 26th,
in the year 2004,

Wilson Flannery went for a jog
and never came home.

Wilson Flannery was born in
Brooklyn, New York, 19...

Ooh-hoo, I'm teased.

And so the question remains,
who killed Wilson Flannery?

His ex-girlfriend?
His former employee?

The man in the green van
who no one ever questioned?

If you're like me,
you want answers.

Over the next 10 weeks,
we intend to find them.

Wow.

Whoa. We gotta do this.

Okay, but, come on,
are we really giving

the rolling-blackouts one
a fair shake?

Okay, fine.

I think we found
our next podcast.

ALEX: I knew
we needed Rooni's show,

but there had to be a way
to avoid working with her.

I needed a little time
to figure that out.

What'd you think?
Did you listen?

Good, right?
Great, maybe?

Tell me everything.
Be honest.

But kind.
I'll shut up.

Babe, I didn't want
to tell you this, but...

...it's great.
Oh, my God.
You're such a jerk.

Really?
You liked it?

I like it so much that
we're gonna do it.

Oh, this is so exciting.

We're gonna be partners!

Totally.

In life, for sure.

But, uh, anyhoo,

the gang's excited
to get started tomorrow

and really sink our teeth
into this thing, so get ready,

you know, 'cause we might be
coming to you with questions

from time to time.
Oh, only time to time?

I wish I could be
more help than that.

This idea
is kind of my baby.

Mmm.
You know what they say.

You can't deliver
your own baby.

Actually, people deliver their
own babies all the time.

And I'm pretty sure
most of those people die.

I don't think that's true.

Look, I'm not gonna stand here
and argue with you, okay?

I just want everyone
to be safe.

Thank you so much
for this idea, though.

You nailed it.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Finally.
Tell me everything.

Jeremy was amazing!

Drinks turned into dinner,
turned into dessert.

I went to the bathroom,
came back,
and he was still there.

Sounds like a keeper.

And work stuff
didn't come up at all.
You were totally right.

Thank you for
making this happen.

And, by the way,
he has a really cute butt.

Um, I do have eyes.

And the man with the green van
would be here
from 9:00 to 9:45

while Wilson Flannery
went for his jog.

You see, as I always say,
either sprint or walk.

Anything in between,
you're asking for trouble.

Hey, team!

Hey, honey,
what are you doing here?

Playing hooky.
I hope it's okay I'm here.

But I realized you can't
really do the work

without all the information
or doughnuts.

Aw, babe,
you didn't have to do that.

I hope
they're those fancy kind
with the cereal on top.

Regular.

Okay, so, catch me up.

How was the first team meeting
for our new show?

Our new show.

Oh, we've just been doing lots
of podcast-y stuff.

I don't want to bore you
with the details.

We do have Detective Phipps
coming in tomorrow afternoon.

Yeah.
Oh, man,
you guys have all the fun.

Ooh, did we land
on a title?

Oh, we've landed.
It's "The Flannery File."

Oh.

You know, in my head, it was
always called "Gone Guy."

Ooh.
I'd listen to that.

But I could go either way.
I hate it.

You don't want a title
to be too good.

That's true.
That's a podcast thing.

Not too good.

Huh.

Hey.

Where are your girlfriends?

Very funny.

I didn't even know what
a mani-pedi was before today.

Plus, Lauren sat
in the massage chair
between me and Emily

and spilled her boba
in my foot-water.

You know how
to ditch her, right?

(SCOFFS) Yes.

But what if you
were to tell me?

Set Lauren up, dummy.

That way
she'll have a boyfriend and
she'll be out of your life.

Wow. That...
That makes sense.

But who would
I set her up with?

Do I have to do everything?
Asher.

Okay, he's home-schooled,
basically lice-free,

he plays kickball
in his jeans.

They're perfect
for each other.

Soraya, you little genius.

No, duh.

Boom.

Jeremy, my man!

Look at you.
Heard about your date.

Sounds like it couldn't
have gone better.

Oh, yeah, it was great.

Deirdre's out
at a meeting right now.

Well, actually,
I wanted to talk to you.

Of course. What do you
want to know about Deirdre?

Her middle name
is Marigold.

Favorite flower
is a daisy.

Don't look like
you nailed that,
but you got time.

And for some reason,
she refuses

to observe
Daylight Savings Time.

Now, I don't know
what that's about,

but it really screws up
our scheduling.

Oh, okay.
All good stuff.

But I actually want to talk
to you and Alex

about something else...
Another podcast idea.

Oh.

Is that right?
Yeah.

After getting to know
Deirdre a bit,

I think I have a handle on
what you guys are looking for.

(CHUCKLES)

Why don't we wait for Deirdre
to get back

so the whole team
will be together, okay?

I'll put these
in some water for you.

Detective, thank you again
for coming in.

I'm sure you're a very,
very busy man.

Nah. But I am having
second thoughts
about doing this.

Oh, do you mind
if I ask why?

I don't really love
talking about cases

I wasn't able to solve.

And this case is colder
than my buddy Pete's wife.

She works in a morgue.
Oh.

And she doesn't put out,
as he tells it.

Oh, right.
Um, can we cut that out?

Yeah, I can edit anything out.
Thank you.

Well, why don't we not
talk about that?

Why don't we talk about
something else, like, uh...

Bowling?
Are you a pinhead?

I have been known
to toss a rock or two.

Really?
Yes, sir,

up in the air,
down it goes.

Hey, guys.
I'm so sorry I'm late.

Oh, what a surprise.
This is, uh, Rooni, my, uh...

Uh, colleague
on the podcast,

a.k.a. the one
whose idea this was.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Uh, what are
you doing here?

Oh, I moved
some things around.

So what are we
talking about?

Uh, well,
the detective and I

were just entering into a very
exciting bowling discussion.

Hmm.
ROONI: Oh.

That seems...relevant.

Yeah.
So are you on a team?

Oh, yeah.
We all use 16-pound balls.

We're called
the 16-Pound Ball Gang.

Don't worry.
We're not a real gang.

Wow, you've got
some heavy balls.

You have no idea.

Okay, so, you were
the first person

on the scene at the...
At the Flannery murder.

What did you see?

He doesn't want to talk
about that right now.

What... What are you doing?

He doesn't... We... We were
discussing something else.

Yeah, no, I heard.
Heavy balls, got it.

So, Detective,
set the scene for us.
I'm not sure...

What's your high score?

Oh, 241.

Wow. That sounds like
a lot of points.

Why is this important?

Because I'm establishing
a relationship
with the subject.

So what was the first sign
that there was a murder?

What's the deal
with the special shoes?

Why... My shoes aren't
gonna hurt the floor.

I'm a little confused
right now.

You know what? Can I talk
to you for a second, please?

Yeah.
Will you excuse us
one moment?

Sure. Take your time.

My daughter's
learning trombone.

I'll enjoy the silence.

I get it.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Are we suddenly making
a bowling podcast?

I'm trying to humanize him.
You know what?

This is exactly why
I didn't wanna work with you.

Oh, I knew it.
I knew you didn't!

It's like the sub shop
all over again.

Oh, my God.
You're bringing that up?

You threw pork at me!

Okay, there is no such thing
as ham-aphylactic shock.

I was twitching.
You know what?

You were threatened
by me then,

and you're threatened
by me now.

I am not threatened
by you, Rooni,
but it's not a courtroom.

Did you really think
you could just stroll in here

and do what I do?
Oh, great.

Are we gonna hear about
alchemy and magic again?

Okay, you know what?
If you think
you can do better,

why don't you just
do it on your own?

Fine, maybe I will.
Good, great!

And Maya's mom called about
a play date for Soraya!

Is Thursday okay?
Friday's more convenient!

Fine!
Great!

ALEX: I couldn't get over
what Rooni had done.

How could she act
like such a baby?

I keep trying to
slam this drawer,

but it has a stupid
soft-close on it.

How is somebody
supposed to show
they're furious around here?

Oh, boy, I was just hoping to
grab a snack, something light.

Rooni totally took over
that whole interview
with the detective.

Just grab a yogurt
and leave.

She thinks just 'cause
you don't have to pass
a Bar Exam

to do what I do
then anybody can do it.
"Oh, it's so easy.

"Just put a mike
in front of them."

All right,
I guess I'm in this.

So, your issue is that
you have a fragile ego.

No. My issue is that
she totally hijacked

the interview
with the detective.

No, what I'm telling you
is your issue is that
you have a fragile ego.

From the beginning, you felt
threatened by Rooni's idea.

You know what? Why don't you
just grab a yogurt and go?

Eh, nothing but Greek.

I don't know who keeps
eating all the Activia.

I am not threatened.

Okay, okay, fine.

Maybe I am a little bit.

It's just that...
She's so good at everything,

and I'm only good
at this one thing,

and now she's good
at my thing, too.

So you have a choice.

You can sulk and pout because
you have a talented wife,

or you can put
your ego aside

and use her knowledge
to help us make a great show.

You're right.

I'm gonna miss sulking and
pouting, but you're right.

By the way, I'm the one
who had the last Activia.

All this meshuggaas
with the gabagool

has got my tum-tum
verklempt.

Guess what, Ben.

Out of the blue,
your friend Asher
just came by.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
What?

(LAUGHS)
My single friend, Asher.

What are the odds?

You texted me...

Yeah, sure,
we text all the time.

Okay, so, this total package
right here is named Lauren.

Uh... Hi.

Hi.

Eye contact, Ash.

Attaboy.

So he just
stopped by, huh?

My work here is done.

Oh, my God.
Was Jeremy here?

He's still here.

(GASPS AND SIGHS)

Yay. And it's all
thanks to you.
I'm gonna go say hi.

Hey, uh,
there's no easy way
to say this.

But I think Jeremy's using you
to sell a podcast.

What makes you say that?

Because he's waiting to pitch
some ideas right now.

He what? (CHUCKLES) Wow.

It's true what they say
about the podcast industry.

Such a dirty business.
Hold my Tab.

Jeremy.

Oh, hey.

You were using me?

We went on
a carriage ride together,

and the whole time
you were just thinking about

pitching a podcast?
What?

No, that's not what I was...
True...

Save it, bub.

You know what?
Your pitch wasn't just bad.

It was one of the worst
that I have ever heard.

Your tush may be a 10,

but the rest of you
is a one at best.

Except for your eyes
and your face.
They're a nine.

Well, what I was going to say
is I think you're
smart and cool,

and I was really hoping
that you liked me,

but I was worried that
you would think I was a loser

for turning in
such a bad idea.

So I came up with these.

I was hoping
if I could sell you one
that I might impress you.

Oh.

Hey, you know, that wasn't
my only Groupon.

We can go get
blowouts together.

No, thanks.
I'm happy with my curls.

Me too.

So just call or text
or just keep on walking

and don't turn around if you
want to hang out this week!

Sounds good!

Look, I...
Don't.

(SIGHS)

So, you got to the site
around 7:50 p.m.
with your partner.

Yeah,
it's all in my report.

Well, I want to
hear it from you.

Now, what did you see
when you got to the scene?

Look, if I wanted
to be asked questions

I didn't want to answer,
I'd let my mom
out of the attic.

I'm just kidding.
The door's unlocked.

Look, is that other guy
still around here?

He's a hell of a lot easier
to talk to.

Can you please just
answer the question?

I don't want to.

So, tell me about bowling.

Why do I have to
change my shoes?

Hey.
Hey.

I made you sort of
an apology coffee.

Or as I like to call it,
a "grande apologano."

No, if anything, I should
make you an apologano,
a venti apologano.

Oh, I can't
handle a venti

on account of the meshuggaas
in my tum-tum.

I just got so excited
that you liked my idea,

but I took it too far.

I didn't respect how hard
your job is.

Anyway,
Phipps is on his way out.

And I kind of really
made a mess of things,

but I know you'll find
a way to salvage it.

Rooni, come on, wait.
Come back.

You and I are the most
amazing team at home.

We've raised these
perfect kids.

Well...
Well, almost perfect kids.

I don't understand why
we can't do that here.

You bring your egg,
I'll bring my seed,

and we can birth
a little podcast baby.

Gross.
You know what I mean.

Let's go find Phipps
and you do what you do best

and I'll do
what I do best.

Maybe make some magic?

You don't always have
to go for a joke, Rooni.

You can just let this
be a sweet moment.

Sorry.

So that's where
all the doughnuts went.

Well, now that I'm not
getting naked anytime soon,

I thought I'd just
go for it.

I'm sorry, D.

I really read
that situation wrong.

Normally I'm very good
at spotting creeps.

In Sunday school,

I knew Judas was up to no good
way before the Last Supper.

No, it's not your fault.

I mean, you did not help,

but I would've found a way
to mess it up anyways.
I always do.

I guess on some level
I just thought,

"Why else would Jeremy
want to be with me?"

Hey, don't talk like that.
You're a catch.

In fact, your problem
is you might be too good

for most of the guys
out there.

Thanks, Eddie.

But what if Jeremy
actually was a good guy?

Well, you're gonna
find out tonight.

You texted him again
and apologized,

and he said he'd meet you
for drinks later.
Give me that!

You gotta change
the passcode on your phone.

Everybody knows
Alex's birthday.

(SIGHS)

Thank you.

Those are mine.
(CHUCKLES)

Detective Phipps.

Look, uh, we're so sorry about
all the back-and-forth, okay?

I made you a coffee,
or as I like to call it...

A coffee.
A coffee.

Thanks,
but I'm gonna head out.

Wait, please.

We really want to
solve this case,

but we can't do it
without you.

I just don't feel comfortable
sitting in a room,

opening up
about the biggest failure
of my career.

No, but you didn't fail.
The system failed.

You know what?
Why don't we
get out of here?

Why don't we hit up
a bowling alley?

Yeah, we can talk
over a few beers.

Hey, what the heck?
It's 11:00 a.m. somewhere.

Great. And you get to see why
they call me "The Bumper Boy."

I don't really need them,
but I like to be safe.

Hey, there's no judgment
on the hardwood, Bumper Boy.

Loving you.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Yeah, there might be some
intangible magic to what I do,

but it's nothing compared
to the magic we have
when we work together.

Okay, I hear it now.
It is a little pretentious.

Oh, this has been
a great day.
Mmm-hmm.

Ten hours of just
the two of us.

We really have talked about...
Would you say everything?

Hmm, pretty much.

You know what
I definitely don't miss...
Outside distractions.

Mmm. Me neither.

It's so great how Lauren
and Asher really hit it off.

Do you know they already
have a couple name?

Ashren?
Nope, Laursher.

Went the other way.

Those guys probably
miss us.

Probably.

Should we call them?
I was already dialing.

(LINE RINGING)

Hello, Laursher.

BOTH: It's Bemily.

ASHER: Sorry,
we can't talk right now.

We're trying to put on
a horse costume.

Oh, man!

They beat us to it.