All language subtitles for Alex, Inc. (2018) - S01E06 - The Cop Car (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 t3nzin)_track3_[eng]

ALEX:
When you start a new company,

it can feel like there aren't
enough work hours in the day.

So I came up
with a little idea
for how to fix that.

And that was to start work
at breakfast.

Eddie, why aren't you
wearing pants?

Sorry about that.

I spilled some syrup
on my slacks.

I had to toss 'em
in the washing machine.

But don't worry,

I was able to add them
to that load
of your intimates.

By the way,
you really ought to be

hand-washing
a lot of that stuff.

We're still
working out the kinks.

Mm.
This milk has gone bad.

Oh, no,
I brought that from home.

I'm intolerant of all milks
except for walnut and deer.

You're sitting
in my chair.

Well, I thought
that was your chair.

It was, yesterday.

But today,
it's that one.

Well, I talked to my friend,
the chair fairy,

and she said that
I could have this one
today.

Not everything has a fairy,
blondie.

Big day, everyone!

Al has a very important
promotional appearance.

I booked him on
the "Vanessa Stanhope Show."

Cool!
Can't wait to listen!

Uh, you will not
be listening.

That show is not for kids.
She's totally R-rated.

Brian Sokolowski's mom
lets him listen to it.

Well, Brian Sokolowski's mom
is 95 percent chardonnay.

(LAUGHS)
(CELLPHONE VIBRATES)

Ben,
your girlfriend's calling!

She's not my girlfriend.
She's my band mate.

The only thing
we're interested in making

is beautiful
music together.

I was in a band
at your age.

I get it.

Make sure
you make safe music.

Al, can I talk to you
for a sec?

When are we gonna be done
with this?

Oh, I think
it's kind of working.

We're all getting along.

Wait,
where's my folder?
It was just here.

Maybe the folder fairy
filed it away for you...

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

...in the dishwasher.

(DISHWASHER BEEPS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

ALEX:
It was a huge day for us.

If I could nail this
Vanessa Stanhope interview,

it could change everything
for the company.

Here are your talking points
for the interview.

Sorry, but the printer
was broken again.

Why am I the only one
who even attempts
to fix it?

Oh, I'm so sorry,
Deirdre,

but you're the only
one who knows how.

Plus, you got those
little raccoon hands.

You know how to
burrow in there
and wake everything up.

You know,
at my old job at Cheer Up,

I used to actually produce
radio shows.

It's a start-up.

Everyone's
making sacrifices.

I had to talk to a guy with
an artisanal mustache today.

Oof.
Okay, speaking of Cheer Up,
I called over there

to see if they would even
consider promoting
the podcast,

and they want me
to come in.

Really?

Why would they want to do that
after the way we left?

I mean,
tears were shed.

I mean, mostly by me,
but tears were shed.

Surprisingly,
they were open to it.

I thought Eddie
could come with

since promotion
is technically
his department.

That's a good idea!

Eddie's been on
a bit of a roll lately,

booking me on this big,
fancy radio show.

I can't believe
Vanessa Stanhope
actually knows who I am.

Who are you again?

Oh, Alex Schuman
with Ajana.

I just want to thank you
so much
for having me on your show.

I'm a huge fan,
and I really think

your listeners are gonna be
very interested in my podcast.

No, they won't.
This isn't public radio, man.

My listeners
don't wanna hear you

softly try to solve
a murder mystery

to indie music
for 12 weeks.

Oh, it's not
a crime show.

These are people who are
stuck in traffic, all right?

They want you
to make 'em laugh.
Keep it punchy.

Give me short,
sexy anecdotes.

What are those,
talking points?

Yeah.
No.

You try to work these
into the interview,

it's gonna be over before
you can whisper, "Whodunnit."

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome back.

We are here
with Arthur Schumberg...

Alex Schuman.

...who wants to tell you about
his new podcast.

Boring!

(SNORING)

But don't worry,
he was just about

to tell me about
the best sex he's ever had.

(HORN BLOWS)

All right, kids.
You two get to jammin'.

And I will get
to jammin, too.

Those PB&Js will be up
in a Jiff

peanut butter.

(CHUCKLES)
All right, come on.

(SIGHS)
Can't all be winners.

Yeah, but some of them
should be.

Did I tell you
I like your shirt, Ben?

Yeah,
like eight times today.

Ben, be nice.
BEN: What?

Emily doesn't mind it
when I call it like I see it.

That's my Benny-Bear.

He's so honest.

That's why his music
is so raw and truthful.

This girl's
out of her mind.

(CLEARS THROAT)
So, what's this chorus
you've been yapping about?

Here goes.

* I can't stop
loving you

* Though I try
and I try

* Hard to stop
loving you, yeah

* I know you yearn
for me, too

* Lovin' you,
lovin' you, lovin' you

* Oh, you can't stop
lovin' me *

What do you think?

Mm, not too shabby.

You're a little pitchy,
but don't worry.

I'll be able to fix that
in GarageBand.

Great.

I believe
these are the chords?

ALEX:
While I was off plugging our
podcast with Vanessa Stanhope,

Eddie and Deirdre were trying
to get a plug at Cheer Up.

Glass of salad?

Don't mind if I do.

I can't believe
you used to work
someplace so fancy.

Get a load
of this table.

What is this,
mahogany?

(SNIFFS) Oh, yeah.
That's mahogany.
Take a sniff.

I don't know anything
about smelling woods.

Beautiful,
but very hard to move.

We should probably just
leave it where it is, then.

There she is!
Deirds!

Eddie Laguzza,
CFO of Ajana,

orange belt
in Jiu Jitsu.

That's not a threat,
I just have to tell you.

Eddie,
would it be okay

if we talked
to Deirdre alone
for a sec?

It's just some
old colleague gossip.

It would bore you.
EDDIE: Sure.

I think I'll go revisit
that strudel platter.

Those are free,
right?

Absolutely. Enjoy.

I love this place.

So, Deirdre,
we've been worried
about you.

Tom Moffat said his girlfriend
called an Uber the other day

and when it showed up,
you were driving it!

What the heck,
Deirds?

Okay, well,
that's just a way

to make some extra cash,
you know,

until our salaries
adjust slash start.

I only drive
a few nights.

And weekends.
And holidays.

And the Super Bowl,

and the even nights
of Hanukkah,
and my birthday.

(TAMMY SIGHS)
That is so, so, so sad.

No, no, no.
Overall, things are great.

Which is why
I'm super psyched
you invited me here

to talk about
promoting Alex's podcast.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow your roll, Deirds.

Alex stabbed us
in the back.

He can go to hell
in a hand-basket.

We don't even care
how he gets there.
Skip the basket.

(GASPS)
We asked you here
because we want you

to come back to Cheer Up
as an on-air host.

What?
We miss your energy.

Your verve.
Your je ne sais quoi!

I mean, merci,
but I'm happy where I am.

Sure you are,
of course.

You don't need
to decide right now.

Just think about it.

Hey, Quinn.
There's my man!

Quinn would be
your assistant.

He just graduated
from massage school.

Very strong hands.

I recommend
the peppermint oil.

It tingles.

Are you sure
you were allowed
to take that?

It was just
sitting in the lobby
on that table there.

Someone clearly
left it behind.

So, you gonna take
the job?

What?
How did you even...

I've been
around the block
a few times.

Plus, the guy replacing
the crudités asked,

"Is Deirdre gonna take
the job?"

Okay, no.
Totally no, never ever.
Totally never.

That's...
It's not even
a thing.

Oh,
that's very convincing.

(TING)

Who's that guy?
Quinn.

He'd be
working under me.

I mean,
I'd be over him.

I mean,
he'd be on me,
on my desk.

There would be
a hierarchy,

and I would sit
on top of him.

You know
what I mean!

All right.
You're telling me that
the best sex you've ever had

was with your wife?

MAN: Whoa!
It's true.

It might be true, man,
but it is so boring.

(SNORES)
You know what, I think it's
time to wrap this up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What if I told you

that it all happened
in the back
of a police car?

All right,
that made it move a little.
Go on.

Oh, well, in college,
I drove around

in this
beat-up old cop car

I got at a police auction
for no money.

And I had this idea to take
Rooni on a date to the park.

We were gonna have
take-out Chinese.

Oi.
So wait, wait, wait.

When we're picking up
the take-out,
it starts pouring rain.

So we're racing back
to the car,

we're drenched,
we're totally laughing.

It's like The Notebook,
only slower.

Get to
the good stuff, man!

Okay, okay. So, in our haste
to get out of the rain,

we jumped
in the backseat.

But it's a police car,

and those doors
don't open from the inside.

Oh, I know.

So at first we were,
like, panicking.

But then we realized,
you know what?

It's kind of romantic,
you know?

We got hot food, the rain
is hitting the windows...

And then you two
took it to bang town.

Well, I'm not gonna
go into details.

But let's just say
it was the best
first date...

Oh, it was
the first date?
(BOTH CHEERING)

MAN: There it is!
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a show.

(HORN BLOWS)

Rooni Schuman gave it up
on the first date.

Well...
Way to go, Alex,
you dirty little freak.

I didn't think
you had it in ya.

Everybody,
keep your eyes peeled
for Alex's new podcast,

"Our Family's Business,"
and we'll be right back.

(RADIO COMMERCIAL PLAYS)
Now, that's what
I'm talking about.

You know,
you got a cool wife, man.

She let you
tell that story.

If I'd done that,
my wife would kill me.

ALEX:
I came home praying

Rooni hadn't heard me
on the radio that afternoon.

Fortunately, I was pretty good
at playing it cool.

Hey.

(SOFTLY) Hey.

How'd it go
with Vanessa Stanhope?

(NORMAL VOICE)
Was that today?

I remember doing it,
it was just so long ago.

Hmm. Cool.

Oh, hey,
will you, um, call my phone?

I don't know
where it is.

Of course, baby.

And then after,
I could draw you
a nice, hot bath

and we could drink
some wine.

And we could watch
The Bachelorette!

I hear someone's in it
for the wrong reasons.

VANESSA: Rooni Schuman
gave it up on the first date.

(CELLPHONE VIBRATES)
Rooni Schuman gave it up
on the first date.

Oh, here it is.
Rooni Schuman gave it up
on the first date.

I got a new ringtone.
Rooni Schuman gave it up
on the first date.

Pretty cool, huh?

Rooni Schu...
I'm so sorry, baby,

but I had to do something
to get her
to promote the show.

She kept baiting me and
baiting me and saying
I wasn't interesting.

And by the way,
it worked.

The traffic on the website
has spiked
after the interview.

(SCOFFS)

Unbelievable.

Rooni Schuman gave it up
on the first date.

Rooni Schuman gave it up
on the first date.
It's your mom!

(PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE)

All right, Benny-Bear,
I don't wanna say goodbye.

You hang up first.

Okay, bye.
(CELLPHONE BEEPS)

Was that Emily?

Didn't she just leave
like 10 minutes ago?

Well, she calls
every couple hours.

Sometimes every hour.

Definitely after every
meal and snack.

We need to have a talk,
Benny-Bear.

I think Emily might want
to be your girlfriend.

Mom, you probably think
every girl wants to be
my girlfriend.

No, I don't.

(CELLPHONE VIBRATES)

(CELLPHONE CLICKS)

She probably had
some Bagel Bites
or something.

Okay,
you know what?

At least one man
in this house

is going to be sensitive
and upfront with a woman.

If Emily's
really your friend,

you don't want
to lead her on.

You have to
make sure she knows

that you don't like her
like that, okay?

Okay, fine.
I'll talk to her, Mom.
Geez.

And be nice.

And don't do it
on a nationally syndicated
radio show.

I feel like
that wasn't for me.

ALEX: I've never seen Rooni
this upset.

I gotta fix this, Ed.
It's easy.

You said something
embarrassing
about her in public,

so you gotta say something
that embarrasses you
in public.

What could I say
that's as embarrassing
as that?

Slippery Rick's Water Park,
1998,

you puked
on the log flume.

It was so steep.

The audition tape
you and your mom made
for The Amazing Race.

The time you cried to get out
of the jaywalking ticket.

Okay,
that one is
a different story

because I'd just seen Titanic
and I was very sensitive.

That cop
got me mid-weep.

You know what,
Rooni and I are adults.

I'm just
gonna go talk to her.

Oh, you wired
half your savings
to that Nigerian Prince!

I hope he's okay.
I haven't heard from him
in a while.

Hey, Benny-Bear!

We still on
for rehearsal tonight?

Uh, yeah.
So, listen to this.

My mom said
the craziest thing
yesterday.

She said that, you know,
'cause of how we FaceTime

and that song
that you wrote

about how you're not able
to stop loving me,

and uh, she said that maybe
you have a crush on me.

But I told her
we're just friends.

Right?

Yeah, for sure.

Okay, great!
Parents are dumb.

I'll see you later
for rehearsal.

Yeah.

Actually, I don't think
I can rehearse today
after all.

Oh. Maybe tomorrow,
then?

I don't know.

I'll let you know, Benny...
Ben.

(LOCKER DOOR SLAMS)

Sorry I'm late.
One of my Uber passengers
just made me wait

while he dumped his suitcase
in the East River.

It was pretty heavy,
but we got it done.

I've been thinking about
your predicament, Deirdre.

It's very tempting,
that Cheer Up place.

Not to me.
I'm not tempted.
Really?

'Cause it looks like
you brought in fancy water.

Just because
I don't want to work there

doesn't mean that we
can't have some of those
nice things here.

Have some spa water.

It's gonna be
a good day.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
(ALL GROANING)

My bad!

Have you seen
the bathroom key?

It's MIA.
Here's a quarter.

Take it
to the Chevron.

Tell 'em
Ed sent you.
(GROANS)

(TEXT MESSAGE ALERT)

(SIGHS) Look.

I know right about now,
you're thinking

it would be nice to work
at a place like Cheer Up.

But there's
a lot of great stuff
about this place, too.

Mm-hmm?

Just out of curiosity,
could you give me
an example?

(GLASS SHATTERS)

I'm gonna have to
get back to you on that.

(WHIMPERS)

Rooni, I'm sorry about
the interview, okay?

I was stupid.
I got caught up
in the moment,

and I told everyone
we had sex
on the first date,

which we did.

But I will never,
ever again

tell everyone we had sex
on the first date,

which we did.

I'd like that stricken from
the record, please.

Hey, guys.
I'm so sorry.

Um, could you take this
to Dale's office, please?
Thank you.

I hate Dale.
(GROANS) Me, too.

What are you
doing here, Alex?

I don't want you to be mad
at me, and you still are,
okay?

I made a mistake,
I said I'm sorry.

How long are you going to
make me suffer
for this interview?

All right,
you wanna know the truth?

Yes!
I'm not even mad
about the interview.

I'm mad because ever since
you started this company...

Whoa, whoa,
wait, wait.

If this is gonna be
about the company,
gotta get it on tape.

It's gonna be good.
And go.

(WHISPERING)
Use it.

Talk into the mic.

Oh, my God, this is exactly
what I'm talking about!

Everything you do now
is about the company!

I want
our life back.
Fine.

Would it help
if I told everyone...

Hey, I cried
after I saw Titanic!

There was plenty of room
for Leo on that door!

Shame on Rose!
Shame on Rose.

Alex, I got a lot
of work to do.

(PHONE RINGTONE)
Rooni Schuman gave it up
on the first date.

Will you please
change that?

Ben showed me
and I forgot how!

You just go to settings,
and then sound.

Change it to something
not upsetting, like
"Ding!" or "Do do do do!"

ALEX: The hardest thing about
my conversation with Rooni

was that I wasn't sure how
to fix what was bothering her.

Of course,
I'm obsessed with
the company.

I... I want it to work.
What am I supposed to do,
let it fail?

The only thing that
you're capable of failing at
is not succeeding.

(CHUCKLES)
Thank you.

Remember at Cheer Up,
when we'd leave for the day

and we wouldn't
think about it again

until we walked in
the next morning?

By the way, how was Cheer Up?
I forgot to ask you.

They're not gonna
promote the show.

Yeah,
I'm not surprised.

When I left,
I flipped a few desks.

Or at least
I tried to.
They're very heavy.

Mahogany.
Mahogany.

It's such a heavy,
heavy wood.

Yeah, very dense.

But do you remember
how easy that was?

The only time
Rooni was ever mad at me

was when I spent
too much time

putting the kids
to sleep.

Maybe sometimes,
you need to act like

it's the way
it used to be,

even though it's not
and it never will be.

Sometimes,
maybe you need to block

all the rest of that stuff out
and just focus on her.

Make her feel special.

You know,
you're right.

You're so right.
She probably feels like
I'm taking her for granted.

Maybe we can't go back
to the old days,

but there's no reason
we can't visit, right?

Let's finish this later.

Thank you.

I don't know
what I'd do without you.

(PLAYING BLUES RIFF)

Did the hermit crab
die?

How would we know,
Mom?

How would we know?

You were right.

Emily did have feelings
for me.

Well,
why are you sad?

I thought you didn't
like her like that.

I thought I didn't,

but it's like I didn't know
what I had until it was gone.

Should I write a song
about that?

I think someone might've
beat you to it, bud.

Maybe you should just
call her and tell her
how you feel.

Oh, great.

More advice
from the person

who told me to break up
with the love of my life.

Anyways,
it wouldn't work.

She won't even
talk to me.
Okay.

Well, then you gotta
dig deep, Ben.

Think of a way
to make it up to her.

Something that would
mean a lot,

and not just to anybody,
but to Emily.

What would that be?

You'll think of something.

(PLAYING BLUES RIFF)

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

You sure
you want to do this?

I'm sure.

Well,
good luck to you.

BEN:
* Things were looking up
for me

* Till you walked back in

* Now I'm thinking
of you again

* People don't
believe me when

* I tell 'em that
I'm over you

* Guess I'm no good
at hiding

BOTH:
* That I can't stop
lovin' you

* Though I try and I try

* Hard to stop lovin' you,
yeah

* I know you
yearn for me, too

* Lovin' you,
lovin' you, lovin' you

* Oh, you can't
stop lovin' me *

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you both
for this opportunity.

You made
the right choice.

Oh, we should
grab a drink later.

I'm straight again!
This week.

(LAUGHTER)

You got my number.

Hello,
my name's Deirdre Riordan.

I used to work here
at Cheer Up,

and recently,
they invited me back.

It's a very nice place,

and they have made me feel
very comfortable.

But sometimes,
"comfortable" isn't enough,

because at the end of the day,
it's about people.

The people who you
admire and trust

and who you'd
do anything for,

even if it means working
in a decrepit warehouse

that smells like dogs
and black mold.

Atta girl.

Anyway, if you want to listen
to the kind of show

that comes from people
with that kind of passion,

I encourage you to listen
to Alex Schuman's new podcast.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
It's called
Our Family's Business,

available soon
wherever you
download podcasts.

I'm gonna kill you,
Deirds!

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!

(LAUGHS)
(ENGINE REVS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Yeah!
(LAUGHS)

Hey, what are you
doing here?

Let me just
quickly make sure
no one's here.

Okay, good.

Rooni,
I am so sorry

that work is such a big part
of our lives right now,

and I'm sorry
I can't make that go away.

But one thing
I can do

is make sure that there are
some things
that are just ours.

I can do better
on that.

I promise.
You deserve it.

Thank you.

And thank you
for not recording this.

Yes, I am purse-less,
just like in the old days.

Speaking of which,
I was wondering if I could
take you on a date.

What'd you have
in mind?

I was thinking
Chinese take-out.

(LAUGHS)

ROONI: I can't believe
you found this car.

It's almost exactly like
that piece of crap
from college.

This is really sweet,
babe.

It's too bad
you couldn't make it rain.
(LAUGHS)

Hold that thought.

(LAUGHS)

Not bad,
Mr. Schuman.

Though I'm pretty sure
you just locked us in here.

Okay,
I didn't mean to.

But it's 2018, and we have
our cellphones, which

are on
the front seat.

I think we may
be here awhile.

I guess so.

I wonder
what we should do now.

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

ALEX:
And what happened
next, well,

that's none
of your business.

* I can't stop lovin' you

* Though I try and I try
Hard to stop lovin'... *

(APPLAUSE)

There she is!

Deirdre, that was
the greatest heist
in the history of radio.

Hey, it's a startup, right?
Whatever needs to be done.

Well, we got you
something.
Yeah, we did.

(GASPS)

Just what I wanted!
The LR2400XC!

It has facial recognition
for up to five faces.

I call I get to be
one of the faces.
Me, too.

Okay,
two faces left.

Also, we know you've
been driving a car to
make some extra cash.

That don't sit right
with me, so,

got you some mace.
Yeah.

Oh.

That's the good stuff.
It burns everything,
even your ears.

Great.

Just don't mace yourself
accidentally.

Oh, that's another
embarrassing thing
you did.

Yeah, I thought
it was breath spray.

Now I always double-check
the label before I pump.

This one's good.