Original subtitles

ALEX: All my life, my second cousin Eddie

has believed he knows what's best for me.

I'll have a passion fruit iced tea, please.

Wrong! He'll have a medium chai.

Extra dirty. Oh, no, thanks.

I'm not a chai guy or a dirty guy.

Trust me. That's the move here.

I'm gonna turn you into a dirty guy.

Oh, that's not what it sounds like. We're cousins.

I've had to tell this guy what he likes his whole life.

He was too scared...

ALEX: Yep. It's always Eddie knows best.

And occasionally, he does.

But other times, I mean, take this Incubator, for example, right?

Eddie found it and talked me into signing this ridiculously long lease.

It's not exactly perfect for what we do here because...

(DOG BARKS)

Because of that.

Why are there dogs in the Incubator?

Oh, they're with that new start-up, Ruff Timez.

It's an app that pairs depressed people

with dogs who need companions.

Oh, I assumed that was a newspaper for dogs

and all those guys were the editors.

MARION: (SINGING)

The singing landlord doesn't help.

(SINGING OPERA)

Good morning, Marion.

Well, good morning, Alex. What's the good word?

Well, you know, I'm trying to record my podcast.

(CHUCKLES) Good luck. It's loud in here, huh?

(SINGING CONTINUES)

I think we're gonna need...

(BLOW DRYER WHIRRING)

...to do some offsite recording! On it!

Al, get ready.

You are about to be famous.

What the hell is that?

Strategically placed bus-bench ads.

It's called "creating buzz."

It looks like he's doing a podcast about construction.

Or, or I'm a Village Person who's been shunned

by the other Village People.

Either way, gets people talking.

Yeah, it gets them talking about a guy

who's in love with his extension cord.

Who told you to do bus ads?

Nobody needed to tell me. I knew it intuitively.

This is a really bad idea on so many levels, okay?

We can't afford this, we don't even have an air-date,

it's a horrible picture of me,

and even if you could tell who it is,

nobody knows who I am.

Okay, now do the pros.

**

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Ugh. People keep sending me pictures of these bus-bench ads.

Some of them don't even have penises

drawn on them, like this one.

Oh, no.

There it is. It's on my ear.

Looks mad. Mmm.

Can you believe he did this?

I mean, I'm the boss. This is a big deal.

If I wanted my face plastered all over the place, it should be my decision.

At least I would have chosen a more flattering picture.

All these penises are highlighting my weak chin.

Well, if you want things to be different,

you just got to talk to him.

Oh, I wish there was another option.

I'm not great at confronting Eddie. Hmm.

Well, I guess you could just not talk to him

and hope that someday the dynamic magically changes.

I like that one because it has no confrontation,

and there's a magic element.

Fine, I'll talk to him.

Hey, Dad! Look what I found in the basement!

Look at that!

My old guitar, the Beige Dragon.

I'm gonna learn how to play it.

But I got to warn you, learning to play is pretty hard.

I spent many a year grinding on that ax,

only to be left with some tear-stained frets

and the first two chords of Eye of the Tiger.

All I heard was "Ben, I'm old."

I am, Ben. I am. SORAYA: Hey, Dad.

Ms. Conway said our field trip chaperones

have to be there Wednesday morning at 8:00.

Oh, chaperoning.

I forgot about that field trip, babe.

But it's the Butterfly Pavilion.

You love the Butterfly Pavilion.

More than you could ever know.

With the beautiful blue morphos and the monarchs

and that hummingbird, who's probably not even supposed to be there.

I wonder what his story is.

But I can't, babe, I'm so busy with work.

Well, I guess they'll have to find another parent.

What, excuse me?

Is there anything you'd like to ask me?

Yeah. What can't Dad come to my field trip?

I'm a parent, too, you know.

Yeah, but you never do field trips.

You're always too busy working.

Not never.

I took you to the aquarium.

That was a lobster tank at a seafood restaurant.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God, I'm a monster!

No, but you did manage to eat the one lobster she named.

Poor Clawsy.

No. No, I'm serious. This is a wake-up call for me.

I always thought we were a team

and I got credit for you doing stuff,

but I guess she saw right through that.

I don't want my daughter to think

I'm not involved in her life.

You know what, I'm gonna call Ms. Hopkins

and tell her I want to chaperone.

Great, but call Ms. Conway,

'cause Hopkins was last year.

Shut up. Sweetie!

Guess what?

I'm going on your butterfly field trip.

Really? Yes.

Thanks, Mommy. You got it, babe.

I recommend the audio tour.

It's narrated by Mickey Rourke.

He's a fellow Butterfly-Boy.

Well, I found a few places we could do our recording.

The best rate is $100 an hour,

but with that one you have to sign a rabies waiver.

Apparently, they're having a raccoon issue.

EDDIE: Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Why are we renting space?

We're already renting this space.

I could just build us a booth right here.

You know what, Ed, I appreciate the enthusiasm,

but I don't think that's the way to go.

For starters, there's no room for a booth here,

and we'd have to get, like, a million people to sign off on it.

I'm just not sure it's worth the hassle.

I know you're not sure. You're never sure.

That's why you got me.

You weren't sure it was a good idea

to shave your head that summer,

so I did it while you were asleep.

And if I'm not mistaken, that was the same summer

you almost lost your virginity.

We're not building a booth. We're going with Deirdre's thing.

Okay, but we should move quickly.

If I've already had rabies, can I get it again?

Oh, when we were kids, Eddie made me pet a possum.

He was so soft...

Till he bit me. Aww...

Good times.

(GUITAR PLAYS BLUES RIFF)

Oh, my God. That was amazing!

Yesterday, you hadn't even touched a guitar.

How the hell did you learn to... YouTube.

I watched a couple of instructional videos.

Pretty simple. I can also make slime blindfolded and clean a musket.

Wow! See, if I had had the Internet when I was learning,

it would have been a whole different story.

That doesn't feel true, does it, Dad?

No...

No, it doesn't.

So, Dad, I was thinking

you're gonna need a music guy to score your podcast,

I would like to throw my hat into the ring.

Oh, Ben, composing for a podcast

is actually quite complicated. Is it?

Don't you just need someone to underscore

the emotion of whatever's happening?

Well, kind of, but... Don't you mean "exactly"?

Well, it... It's just not really

an appropriate job for a 12-year-old.

(SOMBER TUNE PLAYS)

I see what you're doing.

Hey, Al, so on these field trips,

do the buses have outlets so I can charge my laptop?

(LAUGHS) Oh, wife.

Oh, sweet, adorable, naive wife.

You're not gonna get any work done.

They're gonna be coming at you from all sides, okay?

Zoe S. gets carsick,

so you're gonna have to remind her not to read.

Zoe F. is allergic to everything

and yet is the most adventurous eater in the whole grade.

Noah B. needs his five minutes. Five minutes?

He's a budding stand-up comedian.

Okay, listen. I'm gonna be fine.

I got this. I want to be supportive.

I really do, but I'm not gonna lie...

I'm kind of scared for you.

(AGGRESSIVE TUNE PLAYS)

This is not a job interview.

Get out of here. Skedaddle.

Such a show-off. He's a show-off.

You're here early.

Yeah, well, I got to show you something.

Got a big surprise for you.

Ha-ha! See?

I knew you'd love it.

Brand-new recording booth.

I told you not to do this.

But this solves all our problems.

I want you to take it down. What?

Oh, my God! ALEX: I know, right?

This booth is incredible.

Alex, this might be your best idea yet.

Today is the day that Alex Schuman

became President of this company.

Do you hear that? Deirdre loves the booth.

It's not that great. Come on.

Oh, you are being too modest.

A two-person recording booth, right here?

I mean, it's genius. It only cost 1,100 bucks.

What? That's... An incredible price.

Okay, stop saying nice things about the booth.

Eddie did it without permission.

Because there's no downside.

What the hell is this? He did it.

There was no permission and it was all his fault. And I'm mad, too.

Okay, this is a communal space.

If you want to use it, I'm gonna have to start charging you...

A lot. Downside!

Okay, Marion, let's talk about this.

Sure. And what we can talk about

is me charging you an extra...

400 bucks a month? Yeah, good talk.

That's it. Take it down.

Alex, can I have a word?

Okay, I know you're mad at Eddie,

but I would just like to point out

that I have done a lot of research

on offsite recording spaces.

And even with the rent increase,

this would still be a way better deal

than anything else out there.

Deirdre, I can't cave on this.

It... It's the principle of the thing.

You are letting your pride get in the way.

It's amazing!

Okay, fine, but I'm still mad.

Eddie, Marion, we'll pay for it.

Well, that was easy. Should've asked for $700.

Always ask for $700, you know that.

Eddie, from here on out,

do not make any decisions without running it by me first.

Are we clear? Okay, cuz, whatever you say.

He's very cute when he's upset, isn't he?

My ma used to call him the "Little Volcano."

And stop telling stories about when I was little!

And that right there is what she'd call a major eruption.

(KIDS SHOUTING)

How many bodies?

Just eyeball it, Lydia.

Well, was there DNA on the scene?

Dad never works on the bus.

Well, no one knows if Dad's job is real, sweetie.

Oh, Zoe F.! I don't know where you got those Nutter Butters,

but maybe wait until we're near an EpiPen before you eat them.

No, I haven't seen the Saw films.

Are there other movies you can compare it to?

Hi, Zoe S.

Why are you holding a book?

Zoe S.? No, no, no, no!

CHILDREN: Ooh!

Ooh, clean up on aisle 10.

WOMAN: Turn around, Noah B.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

ALEX: All day long, it was like that booth was staring at me,

saying, "So I guess you're gonna keep letting Eddie walk all over you, huh?"

Well, watch this, you stupid booth.

Al! Just got off the phone with a lady who'll give us

faster Internet for the same price.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention, Ed. I'll consider it.

You need to consider whether you want faster Internet?

I don't like it when it goes too fast.

But when you upload your podcasts

it takes a really long time.

Yes, which builds up anticipation.

Thank you.

Oh, no, quickly, shut the door.

A monarch is headed for an escape.

Saved ya, buddy!

Remember, kids,

each one of these butterflies is incredibly precious.

So, be careful of your surroundings

while you're in the pavilion.

And be on the lookout for the blue morpho,

the rarest butterfly here. (KIDS GASPING)

We only have one, and it's almost impossible to find him.

Mom!

Sorry, sweetie.

Now, if everyone can get super quiet,

you can almost hear the fluttering of their wings.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

So sorry... (RINGING CONTINUES)

Ah, yeah, I have to, um...

You know what, I do think I hear some fluttering over in that direction.

What's up? WOMAN: Okay, kids, if you could look over here...

Why? I didn't say that.

I never said that. (CRUNCHING)

(CHILDREN GASP) What?

Soraya's mom killed the blue morpho!

SORAYA: Mom!

Found it.

ALEX: Part of me knew I was acting like a child,

but in my head, it was Eddie's fault for treating me like one.

Ugh. And now I couldn't stop.

Oh, God. What's that smell?

Some of this food has been sitting here forever.

I'm getting rid of it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Eddie.

I should probably be the one to decide that.

Decide whether to throw out rotten food?

Absolutely. Please put that guy back in there.

Thank you. Come on, Al.

This is ridiculous. Is it?

What if somebody at our company

was planning on eating that sandwich?

Like who?

Me.

I've had my eye on that guy for a few weeks now.

It's rotten. It smells like an old shoe.

Well, Eddie, some things are better aged.

Wine, cheese, Clooney.

Mmm, old Clooney.

Well, it's almost lunchtime.

Why don't you eat it now?

I will.

Thank you for bringing it to me.

Enjoy.

I plan to.

Alex...

Hoo!

**

(WHIMPERS)

Glad I didn't throw it out.

(MUFFLED) Me, too.

All right, you know what, that's it.

Can I speak to you in private? Mmm-hmm.

I'm gonna save this for later.

Thank you.

Okay, I think I've figured out what's going on here.

You're angry you didn't have the idea for this booth.

So how about we tell everyone it was your idea? Good?

No, not good. You're missing the point entirely.

This booth is a monument to the fact

that you think you always know what's best for me.

Well, oftentimes I do. No!

No, you don't, okay?

I am not little baby cousin Alex anymore

who you can just push around.

I am the boss of this company,

and you need to start understanding that.

Ooh, boy, eruption coming.

See! Don't do that! I hate it when you do that!

Stop it. Or what?

You don't even want to know what.

Will it be lava-related?

It might be something like this.

Oh! Did you just push me?

Yeah, yeah. And I might again.

Oh!

(GRUNTING)

Tried of you... You are such a...

This is what you used to do when we were kids.

And I hated it!

Oh, I swear to God...

Here it comes. Aah!

Oh! (PEOPLE GASP)

ALEX: God!

I never should have hired you in the first place!

You seem upset. Meet Duke.

**

You got into an actual fight with Eddie? You told me to!

I told you to talk to him.

I didn't say anything about crashing through a wall of glass.

You're a grown-up. He built a whole sound booth

without my permission. Whose side are you on?

Yours, honey.

But there is a reason you hired Eddie.

He pushes you, and that's a good thing.

Look, I know you're hurting.

Yeah, particularly where the glass shards are still embedded.

But if Eddie didn't do what Eddie always does,

you would be a totally different guy.

He's a pain in the ass, I know, but he's good for you.

You're so smart. Always know what to say.

No! No, I really don't. (SIGHS)

After I assassinated that blue morpho today,

Soraya wouldn't even sit with me on the bus-ride home.

In fact, none of them would.

They kept calling me "Madam Murder-Fly."

That sounds like Noah B.'s handiwork.

He roasted me for like 10 minutes straight.

He's like a prepubescent Don Rickles.

Why couldn't I just turn my phone off for a couple hours?

Because your job is very important to you.

And you love it. And you're a badass!

Come on, you do murder trials

and defend innocent people.

I promise you, babe...

I promise you, one day, Soraya will realize

how awesome and cool you are.

Thank you.

I guess I just wish there was something I could do

to make her realize it now.

Hold on.

Maybe there is.

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

What? I thought I'd kick it up a notch.

Okay, can you go do your homework, please?

He's really good. He's fine.

Wait till he tries Eye of the Tiger.

Okay, people, now we have a special visitor.

(CHILDREN GASP)

It's her! The Butterfly Slayer!

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to tell everyone

how sorry I am about what happened yesterday.

It was actually my first field trip,

and I didn't know the ropes because I spend most of my time

at a place where there are no butterflies.

How many were there when you started?

(LAUGHTER) Noah, sit down.

Okay. Well, I actually spend most of my time in a courtroom

because I'm a lawyer.

Now, does anyone know what a lawyer does?

Okay, well, a lawyer defends people

who are accused of doing bad things.

Like stepping on a butterfly?

Exactly, Zoe S.!

So, I talked to Ms. Hopkins... Conway.

Conway, and she said that you can spend the rest of the day

doing your multiplication tables,

or I can stick around

and you can put me on trial for murder.

Who's up for that? CHILDREN: Me!

Let's do the murder!

Murder! Murder!

CHILDREN: (CHANTING) Murder! Murder!

**

Eddie's still not here?

I don't think he's coming in at all.

Why? Did he call you?

What did he say about me? Never mind. I don't even care.

Well, since you clearly don't care,

there's something that I think you should hear.

Ben's demo? I know.

He sent it to me, too.

I'm torn because he's really amazing,

but the rate he quoted me was just obnoxious.

Not that.

(BEEP)

EDDIE: Testing, testing. One, two, three.

Okay, so, it's 6:00 in the morning.

This is the inaugural recording of our new booth.

Me and some guys, don't worry about it,

we've been working all night,

and I cannot wait for Alex to see this thing.

I finally did something I know he's gonna be proud of.

(BEEP)

Then it's just, like, seven minutes of him

trying to turn off the recorder.

Eventually, he just unplugs it.

**

Hey, Aunt Louise. Hey, Alex!

What are you doing here? Come on in!

Hi. Oh, wow.

Is... Is Eddie here?

I can't find him. I tried to get him on the phone.

He's not at his house. Oh, yeah, I heard.

You had one of your eruptions. Well, we don't have to label it.

All right, just a minute.

AUNT LOUISE: Alex wants to see you.

Tell him I'm not here.

He knows you're here!

Your car's in the driveway.

Well, did he see it? Take my keys, move it around back.

I'm not supposed to drive! It's like 40 feet.

Go talk to him!

EDDIE: I swear to God, Ma.

Oh, no one told me you were here.

Why didn't you come to work, Ed?

Well, when the boss tells you he wishes he never hired you...

I'm sorry I said that, okay?

And I'm sorry I broke your booth.

Well, I'm sorry I made it without asking,

but I was really just trying to help.

It just felt like you were treating me like when we were kids.

You were always pushing me around and bullying me.

I did no such thing.

You once replaced my lip gloss with crazy glue

when I was supposed to sing the Star-Spangled Banner.

I had to hum it. You still hit that high note.

Yeah, I did.

Truth is, I was always a little jealous of you, Al, so I did some dumb stuff.

Jealous? Of course.

You were the smart one, the one with the big ideas.

You were going places. I always knew that.

And look at you now. I was right.

So when you asked me to come work for you, I couldn't even believe it.

Really? I guess I've been trying to prove

you made a good choice ever since.

Maybe I try a little too hard sometimes.

Bus-bench ads might have been a bridge too far.

It wasn't a great photo. I see that now.

Why was I wearing a construction hat?

Anyway, from now on,

I'll stop making you do things you don't want to do.

Well, don't stop completely.

'Cause the truth is, sometimes I need a little push.

Give me a hug, come on.

All right.

AUNT LOUISE: Are you hugging? That sounds like a hug!

Ma, give us some space! All right!

We're hugging.

We're hugging.

ALEX: It turned out Rooni was right.

I needed Eddie for lots of reasons.

For starters, he helped me put the booth back together.

**

And he even figured out a way to get Marion to waive his rent increase.

(VOCALIZING)

I have known this woman for eight years.

You guys have probably only known her for one day...

ALEX: I guess, no matter how well you know someone,

there's still a lot to learn about them.

**

And with a little effort,

it's possible to see them in a brand-new light.

(LAUGHTER)

And in the end, the people you love may make your life difficult,

they may "accidentally" give you rabies,

but they will always have your back.

**

Damn, buddy. That is so amazing.

Are you sure you won't budge on your fee?

Sorry, dad. My hands are tied.

Well, I gave it a try.

Thanks anyway.

Fine! I'll do it!

Man, you drive a hard bargain.

Where'd you learn to negotiate like that?

A little site called YouTube.

Damn it!

And so, you must find that my mom is innocent

because she killed the butterfly by accident.

(WHISPERING) You did so good.

Oh, now ask if they've reached a verdict.

Everybody who thinks she's guilty, raise your hand.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...

I can't even count that high. Guilty!

Don't worry. They're biased.

We just had a unit on butterflies.

Next on the docket... Smelt It v. Dealt It.

Let's do this.