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1
00:00:04,797 --> 00:00:07,174
- Oh, hey, honey.
Have a great time at the game.
- Thanks.
2
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,676
[Crinkling]
Oh. Why are you crunching?
3
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,053
Ordinarily,
I'm a rule follower,
4
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:15,182
but when someone tells me
I can't bring my own snacks
into their stadium,
5
00:00:15,308 --> 00:00:19,102
that's when I get a little nuts.
[Crinkling]
6
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,062
It's a free country, right?
7
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,398
Let's just say it ruffles me...
[Crinkling]
8
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,400
When some goobers
tell me...
[Crinkling]
9
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,736
I have to spend
half my payday...
[Crinkling]
10
00:00:27,820 --> 00:00:31,990
On their hot dogs.
[Crinkling]
11
00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:33,909
Please, just remember
the family portrait.
12
00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:36,286
We only have the photographer
for an hour.
Okay.
13
00:00:36,412 --> 00:00:40,081
Okay? And, sweetie, did you have
a chance to try on the white pants
I put in your closet?
14
00:00:40,166 --> 00:00:42,125
Oh, what do they look like?
15
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:45,253
Is there really a more clear way
to describe white pants?
16
00:00:45,338 --> 00:00:49,132
Sweetie, if they don't fit you,
you're going to be the only
one not wearing white,
17
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:51,426
and then you're gonna
stand out like "Where's Waldo?"
18
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,428
Actually, "Where's Waldo?"
Doesn't stand out.
19
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,430
He's super hard to find.
That's the challenge.
20
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:58,391
This portrait is
incredibly important to me.
Also, his name is just "Waldo."
21
00:00:58,476 --> 00:01:00,894
I spent weeks trying to find a time
that works for everybody...
22
00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,896
and finding the right photographer.
23
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:05,899
So if you could just promise me
that you'll cooperate, okay?
24
00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,901
I promise.
Okay.
25
00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:10,737
This is amazing that
you're doing this.
Mmm, thank you.
26
00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:12,781
You're wonderful.
Thank you.
27
00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,324
Get in here-
[Crinkling]
28
00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:15,450
Oh, no can do.
Oh.
29
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,994
- I love you.
- Bye.
30
00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:20,330
[Birds Chirping]
31
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,332
Where's my good underwear?
32
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:27,629
The question is, why isn't
all your underwear good, Jay?
You make a nice living.
33
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:30,590
The new maid keeps mixing up
my underwear with Manny's.
34
00:01:30,675 --> 00:01:33,093
Put on the first thing I grabbed.
It was like a crotch tourniquet.
35
00:01:33,219 --> 00:01:35,095
You gotta talk to her.
Why me?
36
00:01:35,179 --> 00:01:37,973
Hola. You both
speak the same language.
37
00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:40,350
She's Portuguese.
Do you know how offensive it is...
38
00:01:40,476 --> 00:01:43,603
that you put all of us
in the same mixing pot?
[Doorbell Rings]
39
00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:46,189
Sorry. Please apologize
to her when you tell her not
to put my underwear-
40
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,983
I can't talk to her!
41
00:01:49,485 --> 00:01:50,568
Hey, guys.
Hey.
42
00:01:50,695 --> 00:01:53,280
Hey. Where's Luke?
I'm going instead.
43
00:01:53,364 --> 00:01:55,991
Luke suddenly remembered
a school project due tomorrow.
44
00:01:56,075 --> 00:01:58,118
Oh, that's tough.
But it's a good lesson for the kid.
45
00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:00,453
You know, you make a commitment,
you gotta follow through.
46
00:02:00,538 --> 00:02:03,039
Yeah.
What is the project?
47
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,083
He has to interview somebody
who lived through the 1960s.
48
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,711
Oh, no.
[Cell Phone Rings]
49
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:10,463
[Beeps]
Hello.
50
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:14,342
Yeah, Luke. Oh, sure.
I remember what I said.
51
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,886
Yeah, come on over.
All right.
[Beeps]
52
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,972
Gloria, you're gonna have
to take Manny to the game.
53
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:21,516
Yay.
Manny, ¡vamos!
54
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,101
I'm still getting dressed.
55
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:26,021
Hey, Mom, I think
my diet's working.
56
00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,772
My underwear won't stay up.
57
00:02:31,569 --> 00:02:33,528
[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪
58
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:37,615
♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪
59
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:40,869
♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪
60
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:48,043
Oh, so delicious. Yes.
61
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:50,962
Hey, you're okay with me not
going with you today, right?
62
00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:54,507
I have been hired to sing
at a wedding this weekend.
63
00:02:54,592 --> 00:03:00,472
I was plucked from obscurity
after a particularly stirring
karaoke performance.
64
00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:02,891
So I guess you could say
I'm a professional singer now.
65
00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:06,561
Well, they're paying you
in flowers, so-
66
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:09,522
Well, I would've blown
the money on flowers anyway.
They're saving me a step.
67
00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:12,734
Plus all the great divas
are rewarded in flowers.
68
00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:14,736
They're also given paychecks.
69
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:17,280
And I'm really bad
at small talk, so-
70
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:19,282
I get it.
It's not a problem.
71
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,451
Are you sure?
'Cause you've been
quiet all morning.
72
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,287
It's because
I'm resting my instrument.
73
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,955
[Softly]
Okay.
74
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,292
I feel tension.
75
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:32,379
♪♪ [Speakers: Rock]
[Cheering]
76
00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,714
[Man]
Kobe! Kobe, over here!
77
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,674
Kobe!
Kobe! Over here!
78
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:39,177
What can I do for you?
79
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:43,306
Do you like being
a basketball player?
80
00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:45,016
Serious?
81
00:03:45,101 --> 00:03:47,602
I choked. I didn't think
you'd look up here at me.
82
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:51,564
- Little preparation next time.
It's a mental game.
- Duly noted.
83
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,817
- All right.
- [Man On P.A.]
Your Los Angeles Lakers!
84
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,991
[Keys Clatter]
85
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,787
- What's wrong?
- That broken step.
86
00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,664
It's gonna ruin
our whole family portrait.
87
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,125
Okay, here's my idea.
I'm really excited about it.
88
00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,585
The whole extended family,
all dressed in white,
89
00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:15,046
in a single-file line
down the staircase.
90
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:18,007
Oh, like a line on the highway.
No.
91
00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:20,969
Or, uh, a ski jump.
No.
92
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:23,304
Why- Why would I want
a ski jump?
I don't know.
93
00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:26,558
My idea was to have the whole family
in a giant bed, like in Willy Wonka.
94
00:04:26,642 --> 00:04:28,768
Yeah, but that's ridiculous.
95
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:32,522
"Ridiculicious."
[Sighs]
96
00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:35,650
I don't see anything.
So I'm crazy?
97
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,986
No. You're... not.
98
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:42,365
Your father was supposed
to fix that step.
99
00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:45,410
Mom, you're obsessing over
the tiniest little thing-
100
00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:47,120
So you do see it, yeah.
101
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,497
What is the big deal
about this one picture?
102
00:04:49,582 --> 00:04:53,793
Honey, you know what, I don't
expect you to understand, but-
[Exhales]
103
00:04:53,878 --> 00:04:58,006
All right, when you're a mom,
everything goes by so quickly.
104
00:04:58,090 --> 00:05:00,800
In a minute,
Luke's gonna be shaving,
105
00:05:00,885 --> 00:05:03,178
and Alex is gonna be off at college,
and you're gonna be-
106
00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:09,225
You'll be doing something great.
107
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:12,270
I just wanna freeze this moment
as it is right now.
108
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,856
You know?
I do.
109
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:18,568
I know I don't show it,
but this family's still
the most important thing-
110
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,404
Screw it.
I'm gonna fix the bastard.
111
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:23,573
I mean, seriously,
how hard can it be?
112
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,992
If your father can do it,
I can do it. Right?
113
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,078
All right. I just need to...
114
00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,540
lift-
115
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,668
Oh, now I see it.
116
00:05:35,753 --> 00:05:37,795
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
117
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:41,341
[Crowd Cheering]
118
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,511
These seats are amazing.
119
00:05:44,637 --> 00:05:47,222
Why you have candy
coming out of your pocket?
No, no, no, no, no.
120
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:50,141
Huh?
I brought my own snacks.
121
00:05:50,226 --> 00:05:52,393
Not because I'm cheap.
It's a matter of principle.
122
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,063
Plus I get a little rush
from the danger.
Be cool. Be cool.
123
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:58,650
What?
Be cool.
Just look straight ahead.
124
00:05:59,735 --> 00:06:03,279
I never felt more alive.
Whoo!
125
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,281
[TV: Announcer, Indistinct]
126
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,534
Okay, I just made it worse.
I'm not freaking out though.
127
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:10,370
I'm gonna call your dad,
and he's gonna tell me
how to fix this.
128
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:12,580
- Oh, my God! It's Dad.
- Where?
129
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,667
Right there, behind Kobe.
Oh, Kobe?
How weird is this!
130
00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:18,044
Quick. Quick, tell me
something to say that will
freak him out.
131
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:21,047
Tell him I'm pregnant.
No, not gonna say that.
132
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:25,051
- [Line Ringing]
- [Claire] Okay, here we go.
How funny is this!
133
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:28,263
[Chuckles]
134
00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:31,015
[Recording]
Hey, it's Phil.
You know what to do.
135
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:34,352
[Line Beeps]
Well, that was pretty funny.
136
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,479
[Beeps]
137
00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:43,486
Oh, my God!
138
00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,364
[Coos]
Oh, my God.
139
00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:55,665
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
140
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:59,335
Oh. Oh.
141
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:02,463
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
142
00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:04,465
Oh, my God. Oh.
143
00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:06,050
[Chattering]
[Cell Phone Rings]
144
00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:08,261
It's much better.
Excuse me. Sorry.
145
00:07:08,387 --> 00:07:10,597
I think that's
her cousin.
Hello?
146
00:07:10,723 --> 00:07:14,642
There is a pigeon in our house.
What do I do? What do I do?
Who is this?
147
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,186
Never funny.
Not funny now.
Calm down.
148
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,689
You know I grew up around
many animals. One time,
a rooster attacked me,
149
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,858
and my mom wrung its neck,
and we had it for dinner.
150
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,569
Great time for an anecdote.
Help me.
151
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:27,196
It's more afraid of you
than you are of it.
152
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,574
Pigeons aren't scared of anything.
They stand on electrical wires.
153
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:32,869
You're gonna be fine, Mitchell.
Just as long as you don't-
154
00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:35,997
You know what, they're starting.
I gotta go. Okay, bye.
[Beeps]
155
00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:39,876
As long as I don't what?
Cam? As long as I don't-
Oh, God!
156
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:44,213
- [On P.A.]
♪ Kiss, kiss ♪
- Cool. The kiss cam.
157
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,883
Wouldn't it be embarrassing
if the camera was on us
and then the crowd started-
158
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:48,926
We're related.
Not by blood.
159
00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:50,928
Touch me
and there will be blood.
160
00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:54,307
[Crowd Cheering]
161
00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:56,517
Not us.
What's wrong with you?
162
00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:59,103
It's the kiss cam.
When it lands on you,
you're supposed to kiss.
163
00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:02,649
[Cheering, Whistling]
164
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:07,403
This is my wife's dad's second wife.
So legally okay, but still weird.
165
00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:13,785
That was awkward.
And we're back.
166
00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,995
[Crowd Booing]
167
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:20,458
Oh.
¡Ay! Come on.
It's not a big deal.
168
00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:23,586
[Crowd Cheering, Applauding]
169
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,759
Thank God for caller I.D.
So you don't have to talk to your wife.
170
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,762
[Claire Chuckles]
Oh, we're gonna talk, mister.
171
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,764
[Hammering]
We're gonna talk and talk.
172
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,517
[Beeps]
173
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:41,187
Dad, Mom saw you on TV.
You're dead.
174
00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:46,442
Here's the thing.
The kiss cam is only
supposed to be...
175
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,861
for the enjoyment
of the people at the game.
176
00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:51,239
They never show that on TV.
177
00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:54,367
What people do in the privacy
of their own sports arena...
178
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,744
should be their own business.
179
00:08:56,829 --> 00:09:01,791
So in '66, I worked
in my grandfather's
office supply business-
180
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,627
your ink, your staples,
your legal pads.
181
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:08,256
- Am I going too fast for you?
- I fell asleep for a second.
182
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:11,050
Did you do anything
interesting in the '60s?
183
00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:13,803
Well, one summer,
I swept up hair at my other
grandfather's barbershop.
184
00:09:13,929 --> 00:09:16,097
You're killing me.
What do you want?
185
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:19,934
I don't know.
Brian Beckwith's grandfather
marched on Washington.
186
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:23,688
Artie Beckwith?
He couldn't walk two feet
without complaining.
187
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:27,108
He marched on Washington?
He told Brian he did.
188
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:30,695
- With Martin Luther King Jr.
- Martin Luther King?
189
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:34,031
- Guess who cut his hair.
- What?
190
00:09:34,116 --> 00:09:36,659
Do you know who cut
Martin Luther King Jr.'s hair?
191
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,619
Neither does Luke's teacher.
192
00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:42,623
So the barbershop
was in Washington?
Okay.
193
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,667
Did you cut any
other famous hair?
Oh, yeah.
194
00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,919
The Kennedys, Richard Nixon,
all the astronauts.
195
00:09:47,004 --> 00:09:49,088
How do you think Buzz Aldrin
got his nickname?
196
00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:51,591
Awesome.
197
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:53,593
[Mitchell]
♪ We love to play in Lily's room ♪
198
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,553
♪ We don't need any milk ♪
199
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:57,555
♪♪ [Humming]
200
00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,849
Okay, you know what, Lily?
I am a man.
201
00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:04,353
I am going into the kitchen
to get your milk.
[Crying]
202
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,358
[Crying Continues]
[Panting]
203
00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:13,529
[Screaming, Whimpering]
204
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:20,036
[Continues]
205
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:24,373
Oh! Oh!
206
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:27,543
[Screaming, Whimpering]
207
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:30,797
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
208
00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:33,341
[Lily Crying]
[Cooing]
209
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:42,809
♪♪ [Cello]
210
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:55,112
♪ Ave Maria ♪
211
00:10:56,740 --> 00:11:03,663
♪ Gratia plena ♪
212
00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:19,262
♪ Maria, gratia plena ♪
213
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:26,978
♪ Ave, ave dominus ♪
214
00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:30,940
♪ Dominus tecum ♪
215
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:39,866
♪ Benedicta tu in mulieribus ♪
216
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:47,582
♪ Et benedictus fructus ventris ♪
217
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:57,258
♪ Ventris tui, Jesus ♪
218
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:11,188
♪ Ave Maria ♪♪
219
00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:15,067
[Applause]
220
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,864
Then one day,
Wilt Chamberlain shows up.
221
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:22,700
He says, "Can you take a little
off the top for my friend here?"
222
00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:24,785
And it's Elvis.
No way.
223
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:28,706
Greatest singer that ever lived,
after Sinatra. I'll fight
any man who says different.
224
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:32,668
My dad says the greatest singer
who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.
225
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:35,796
Then I guess I gotta fight your dad.
Yeah, I guess.
226
00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:38,341
[Cheering]
227
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,093
[Beeps]
228
00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:44,263
Luke says Grandpa
wants to fight you.
229
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:49,393
[Grunts]
230
00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:53,648
[Glass Shatters]
[Clattering]
231
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:56,651
Why does everything
have to suck?
232
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,737
Let's just do
the picture another day.
I think I'm getting a pimple.
233
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:02,573
No. Do you know
how long it took me
to book this photographer?
234
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,577
Maybe by the fireplace.
235
00:13:06,662 --> 00:13:10,164
Yeah. That's a classic
old-person spot for a portrait.
236
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,875
Yeah, if I'd ever bothered
to paint that hideous wall.
237
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,671
Claire is a perfectionist,
which sometimes is a good thing,
238
00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:19,924
like when it comes
to picking a husband.
[Chuckles]
239
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:24,136
Sometimes it's a bad thing,
like when everyone else
sees something beautiful...
240
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:27,807
and all she sees
is the teeny-tiny flaw.
241
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:31,394
- No. No.
- [Beeping]
242
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,479
No.
243
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:36,148
Hi. My house is a disaster.
244
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,275
Can we do this picture
at your place?
245
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,029
Yeah, that's-
that's not gonna work.
246
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:43,614
So-
247
00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:48,953
[Birds Chirping]
248
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:52,415
Maybe one more layer.
And tight, really tight.
249
00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:54,834
Dad, can you call them again?
I just did.
250
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,836
They're on their way.
Game went into overtime.
251
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,379
I know,
but we're losing the light,
252
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,673
and the photographer's gotta get
to a bar mitzvah in 10 minutes.
253
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,508
Oh, red wine. Really? Now?
254
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,469
You know, honey,
I think you're getting
a little too uptight about this.
255
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:08,264
It's hard to breathe.
Oh, you're fine.
256
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:12,268
What'd you do to him?
He's turning blue.
But his clothes will stay white.
257
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,854
- We're home!
- Oh, thank God.
258
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:16,564
Manny, let's go change.
[Kisses]
259
00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:19,108
[Phil]
Hey, there's my beautiful wife.
260
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:22,236
I know you're mad at me,
and I know this foam finger
can't make up for everything.
261
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,864
Honey, you just go change,
and we'll talk about
what you did later.
262
00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:27,241
Hey, thank you so much
for those tickets.
263
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,535
Gloria tells me you
had a real good time.
264
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,829
Not really. No, I didn't.
God, I love your daughter.
265
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:35,666
Oh! I should- I should
come by and kiss that step-
fix that step.
266
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:38,419
Oh, you're acting like
I wanted to destroy the house.
267
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,921
No. I just think it's odd
that the majority of things
you destroyed...
268
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,673
were sent to us by my mom.
269
00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:44,800
Okay, okay, okay.
So while I'm fighting off
that filthy creature,
270
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,927
I actually stop and say,
"Oh, you know what,
271
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:50,473
here's the opportunity
I've always been looking for to
destroy our kitschiest objects."
272
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,183
Kitschiest?
Oh, she's gonna love that.
273
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:55,019
If you would've come with me
to the wedding, none of this
would have happened.
274
00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:57,730
Okay. So you are angry.
Mitchell, I get it.
275
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,899
You're terrified of
small talk and birds.
276
00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:02,485
You're just lucky
that pigeon didn't want to
chat you up about the weather.
277
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,028
Hello, Jay.
Hello, guys.
278
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:07,990
Oh, God.
Oh, you look like the guy
from Dance Fever.
279
00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:10,910
Thank you.
Deney Terrio.
Cleveland, Ohio.
280
00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:12,787
Dad, really?
That is not a compliment.
281
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:15,998
That's why I wanted you
to try those on earlier.
Turn around.
282
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:18,125
The picture can't happen today.
My pimple's getting worse.
283
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:20,419
Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
Can you stand?
284
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,505
Yeah.
Well, then the picture's
happening.
285
00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:27,176
It's all anybody's gonna see.
I wouldn't be
so sure about that.
286
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,846
Did you get a look
at her dress?
287
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:33,265
What? Why would I look
at her dress? I love you.
288
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:35,476
Uh, Mrs. Dunphy,
the sun is setting.
289
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,145
Okay. Yeah, this is happening.
Everybody, come on. Let's go.
290
00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:41,398
Be careful. I stained
some furniture out there
this afternoon.
291
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:43,943
Of course you did, Dad.
Anything else I need
to know about?
292
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:46,237
Maybe the neighbors
on either side are having
a paintball fight.
293
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:49,657
Now watch this.
Dad, in his infinite wisdom,
stained furniture today.
294
00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:51,617
Don't touch it. It's wet.
295
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:53,911
[Claire]
Hurry, hurry.
Put that down, sweetheart.
296
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,914
Okay. Okay, we got it.
Now we're gonna go out here.
297
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,542
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
298
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,544
How do- How do you
turn the sprinklers off?
299
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,671
¡Ay! Of course!
Because I'm Latina,
300
00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:06,215
I'm supposed to know everything
about gardening and sprinklers!
301
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,551
You were here
when they installed it.
302
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,804
Ay, yeah.
The box is across the yard.
303
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:15,057
You mean
your now-soaking-wet yard?
That's great. We are screwed.
304
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:19,478
No, we're not.
We haven't unwrapped
our secret weapon yet.
305
00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:22,940
Luke walks over there,
Hurt Locker style...
306
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:28,737
flips the switch, and boom-
or not boom- water off.
307
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,324
Put the "he" in "hero," Son.
308
00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,831
Oh.
309
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:41,208
Hurt Locker?
It's more like Squirt Locker.
310
00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:46,964
Really? That wasn't funny?
I actually pity you guys.
311
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,757
[Clicking]
312
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:51,760
[Cheering]
313
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:54,013
No time to celebrate!
Stop it!
314
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,765
We don't have a lot of time.
[Photographer]
All right, everybody.
315
00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:59,101
If I can have the little
ones down front-
You know what, sir?
316
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,812
If you don't mind, I've got this.
Come on, people, let's get out here.
317
00:17:01,897 --> 00:17:04,064
Haley, Alex, I need you
to unwrap your brother.
318
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:06,650
All right, I need the Dunphys
over on this side.
319
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:12,573
Dad, you're in the middle.
Mitchell, Cam, Lily on this end. Okay.
320
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:14,158
Listen.
Uh-huh?
321
00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:18,245
Honey, I screwed up,
but if ever you're
in my arms again-
322
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,706
Phil, not now.
Yes, now. I don't want
to look at this picture...
323
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,374
when I'm 80 years old
and you're long dead...
324
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:24,627
and know that you were angry
at me when we took it.
325
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,212
Phil, we'll talk about
what you did later.
326
00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:28,005
Okay, everybody.
Eyes over here.
327
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:32,218
I didn't do anything.
She kissed me.
What?
328
00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:34,178
Who kissed you?
Gloria.
329
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:36,639
What?
It was the kiss cam.
330
00:17:36,765 --> 00:17:39,808
Why did you kiss Cam?
No, I kissed Phil.
He told me I had to.
331
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,810
No, no.
Okay, hang on a second.
332
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:44,521
Was this before or after
you ignored the phone call
from your wife?
333
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,607
You saw that too?
Mmm.
334
00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:49,902
Could we please just take
the damn picture?
335
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,238
Okay. Everybody,
one more time.
336
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:55,115
Just so you know,
I am angry with you.
I knew it!
337
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,409
- Oh, damn it!
- It was a big day for me,
338
00:17:57,494 --> 00:17:59,703
and he didn't want to go
because he doesn't like
small talk.
339
00:17:59,788 --> 00:18:01,705
Would it be terribly inconvenient...
340
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:03,874
to just postpone this hissy fit
for a few minutes?
341
00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:06,919
- Maybe some of us don't
want to take a picture today.
- Thank you.
342
00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:09,630
And please, Claire, don't try
to make Mitchell do something
he doesn't wanna do.
343
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,924
Oh, shut up, Cam.
[Lmitating Wings Flapping]
344
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,134
Okay, stop it! Stop it!
345
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:16,887
Everyone, listen.
This took me forever
to put together,
346
00:18:16,972 --> 00:18:21,600
so I don't really care
who kissed who and who's got
a pimple on her head...
347
00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:23,644
and who is wearing an outrageously
inappropriate dress.
348
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:27,606
We are gonna get together
and act like a normal family...
349
00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:30,985
for one-tenth of a freaking second,
and we're gonna do it right now.
350
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:34,071
Get your hands off of me.
No. No. Make me. Make me.
351
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:37,783
Ah, this is ridiculous.
You're both uptight about everything.
352
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:42,121
You didn't want to go to
a wedding with him because you
didn't want to make small talk?
353
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,915
That's how I met Gloria.
Do you remember the first thing
I said to you?
354
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:50,170
Yes. "I like chocolate,
I like fruit, but not together."
355
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:52,548
You couldn't come up
with that, lvy League? And you.
356
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:56,302
You would be a lot happier
if you weren't so obsessed
with everything being perfect.
357
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:59,388
Look at us here all in white.
What are we, a cricket team?
358
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,850
News flash.
Life is not perfect, Claire.
359
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,893
Now calm the hell down.
360
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,855
Okay, Dad, that's great,
and that's really easy
for you to say.
361
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:11,775
But do you think
I like being like this?
No, I don't.
362
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:15,237
If you have some quick-and-easy fix,
why don't you just give it to me
right now?
363
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,201
Oh.
[All Groaning]
364
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,579
Jay!
Oh, my God.
365
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,290
I- I got this, baby.
366
00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:31,420
No. What did-
What did you do?
Now two people are dirty.
367
00:19:31,546 --> 00:19:35,716
Well, three.
Okay, you know what?
368
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,594
That's for "kitschy."
Mud fight!
369
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:43,432
[Claire]
No. Don't do that.
No, no, no! Stop it!
370
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:47,061
Everybody get back in line.
Come on, guys, stop.
371
00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:51,565
- [Chattering, Laughing]
- [Claire] Damn it. Damn it! Guys!
372
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:55,736
Excuse me.
Are we still doing this?
373
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:58,072
No. No, we're not.
374
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:04,787
[All Laughing]
375
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:08,248
- Now we are.
- [Gloria] We're ready!
376
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:11,960
[Laughing]
Whoo-hoo!
377
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:15,464
- Say "cheese."
- Say "cheese"!
378
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:19,343
[Jay] Back in '68,
when I was sweeping up hair
in that barbershop,
379
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:22,679
I had this mental picture
of the family that,
if I was lucky enough,
380
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:26,725
one day I would end up with-
perfect wife, perfect kids.
381
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:29,061
Guess what.
I didn't get any of that.
382
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:31,438
Wound up with this sorry bunch.
383
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:34,858
And I'm thankful for that
every day.
384
00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:37,027
Well, most days.
385
00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:39,071
I think I'm just gonna go
with the Elvis stuff.
386
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,615
Yeah. I would.
387
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:47,371
Uh, to the right.
To the right.
388
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:49,248
A skosh to the left.
389
00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:52,000
There we go.
[Inhales]
390
00:20:52,127 --> 00:20:55,754
Whatever. I'm gonna have to take
the picture down when I repaint
the wall anyhow.
391
00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:58,590
Kill me now.
What?
392
00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:01,427
♪ Don't know how
I got so lucky ♪
393
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:04,721
Mm-hmm.
I love you.
394
00:21:04,806 --> 00:21:07,516
- I love that picture.
- Yeah.
395
00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:13,313
- Is that a chip on
the frame right there?
- No. No.
396
00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,315
I can see it.
Honey.
397
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,860
[Sighs]
398
00:21:22,699 --> 00:21:23,699
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