Original subtitles

I already told you, it's Brian Weaver.

Weaver! Like beaver but with a W. No, at the beginning.

I've been on the phone now for 20 minutes.

No, I don't want you to put me on hold. Don't put...

Oh, hey, Jess. Have you done something different with your hair?

No. No?

It looks hairier, but like good hairy.

Have you printed the Q4 sales report?

Still waiting on IT, their printer won't print.

That's a shredder. Is it?

Brian, we really need to... Sorry, yeah, I'm still here.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're supposed to be helping a customer

and you haven't been very helpful.

Has he done it yet? No.

Is he doing it now?

Yeah, can I have your first name? Right, send him in.

There was some package dumped on my doorstep.

No, don't put me on hold. Greg wants to see you.

Really? I've got the job.

Goodbye temping, hello permanent work.

Drink tonight, me and you, to celebrate?

Actually, Brian... Oh, sorry, yeah, no, I'm still here.

Yeah, I want a new charger by the end of the day

or I will come down to Howell's Emporium, Fish Head Lane,

and I will unleash hell.

No, it's not a charger, it's some sort of weird bracelet.

And you'll phone me back later?

Thank you.

Hey, Jess. Check out the new bling.

Ahh!

Brian. Brian?

Morning Steg. Herman.

Drink? Pint of your least worst beer.

I took the liberty of lining one up for you.

Ah, thank you. Busy?

Always busy, Herman, fighting social injustices is a full-time job.

Somebody has to stand up for the people

and that burden has fallen on me and I accept.

For I am no man's fool. Cheers.

Ah, nice.

Good Morning, Herman. Morning, Barbara.

You alright, Steg? Still fighting.

Pint?

Ooh, I think that's a little unfeminine.

No, I'll take two halves.

Can't stay long, just popping in between soothsaying appointments.

Business finally picking up then?

Oh, all very exciting.

I've just come from a reading and I've got another one in two weeks.

So good news. My big day.

My campaign to raise awareness for veterans of the Mage Wars.

Do you know how many warriors are sleeping rough

on the streets of on Munty? 17?

Yeah. Doesn't sound like many.

That's 17 too many. They need my help.

Ex warriors like Herman, they're being ignored

and he's got so much wisdom to share.

Yeah, exactly. Like this one time during the winter campaign...

Not now, Herman. Fill her up.

Still looking for that tall, dark stranger, are ya?

Well, it is my destiny, Herman. The runes have spoken.

But I can categorically say that nothing of note will happen today.

Wha? Well, of course, the rune for nothing is quite similar

to the one for massive explosion.

Ahh, ow. Ah!

Ah! Same again?

Please.

Sorry, what just happened? Where am I?

Munty. What?

Hello, mysterious traveller.

Barbara! There's your tall, dark stranger.

I thought so. "Tall"? Hardly a giant.

What is going on?

Hello, I'm Barbara. Fully-qualified soothsayer.

And that is a real branch of witchcraft.

He's clearly a necromancer, I can smell him from here.

Hey, no trouble in my pub.

Erm, I'm not sure what's happening. Clearly I've gone mad.

I'm going now, goodbye. Oh.

There's a man outside with the head of a chicken.

Oh, don't be silly. Yeah, Trebor's away, isn't he?

Well, he'd better be, he owes me eggs.

OK. OK, I'm just...I'm hallucinating, so...

I'm just going to take two minutes to sit down, if that's OK?

And, er, just going to have a little cry.

You can't stay here. Firing off magic in my pub?

The last thing I want is fairies sticking their noses in.

What are you talking about?!

Fairies! Nobody move.

I am definitely seeing things.

We've had a trace of a powerful magical artefact in the vicinity.

Anyone know anything about that?

Are you in fancy dress?

Hawthorn - over here!

Ah, looks like we've found our magical item.

Box. We'll take this back to the Protector.

He's gonna be most interested.

I'm gonna to be keeping an eye on this place.

That's all I need. I want him out of here.

We don't even know who he is. Well, look through his jacket.

That's what I was doing.

Howell's Emporium.

I knew he'd be involved in this!

Right, well, we've got to get him to Howell's.

Sorry, Barbara, I've got a prior commitment.

Pint? Please.

Yep. Sorry, Barbara, customers to serve, you know?

Ah! I'll just do it myself.

I'll look after you, my tall, dark stranger!

Howell?

Howell? Barbara!

Morning. Is it morning?

Howell, I need your help.

Give us a minute, where are me glasses?

That's better. I can see now.

Who's he? New boyfriend?

I think my dating history is a little bit more sophisticated

than dragging in unconscious men off the street.

I did that once.

So who is he?

I've no idea. But I sense a mysterious purpose.

That our two fates are intertwined.

Our lives inextricably linked.

Don't hurt me!

Oh, he's delirious!

Oh, God, it's still happening.

And now there's a tramp.

Greetings, stranger. I am Howell. Grand Master Wizard.

Esteemed purveyor of spells and magical artefacts.

Cash only.

OK, I think I've taken something

that is making me hallucinate really vividly.

Really?

Don't suppose you've got any spare, have you?

I saw a man with the head of a chicken.

Oh, Trebor's back. Eggs for breakfast!

God, I've got to wake up! Please, God!

You're not asleep son and I can prove it.

Look carefully into this wand.

See? I'll get you some ice.

So, what you're telling me is that somehow

I've moved into a parallel universe?

It's rare, but it does happen.

There was a troll who was rumoured to have crossed worlds...

That's Donald Trump. That's a troll.

Donald Trump's not a troll.

They live in iron mines, hence the orange skin and the bad hair.

In your case, something must have acted as a catalyst

to pull you between the boundaries.

Still, good luck with it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm rather busy.

No, no ,no ,no. I need to get back home.

Back to my new job! Back to Jess.

Jess? Back to my pay rise.

Well, look he had your name and address in his pocket.

How did you get this?

Well, I was...I was sitting at my desk.

How strange.

No, it's not. And I was on the phone...

That's strange.

No, it's not.

Anyway, there was this metal bracelet,

with weird symbols round it.

And so I put it on and then there was this flash of light

and before I knew it, I was in another world.

That's the strange part.

Are you Brian Weaver?

Yes!

Of "ib" Waverly House?

1B.

Mooddick uck?

Middlesex. It's in the UK.

I think I've got something of yours, Brian.

My phone charger!

Oooh!

And I believe you've got something of mine, Brian.

My bracelet.

Or to give it its proper title - the Amulet of Uta-Rhamen.

Yeah, nah I've not got it. Where is it?

Must have left it at that pub.

Great Balls of Krunt! We gotta get there, immediately.

Firstly, because it's a dangerous, unstable magical device.

Secondly, well, it's the pub, innit?

Whoa.

Shouldn't we follow him?

What? Oh, yes, yes, of course, yes! Yes.

Yes.

Howell! I said it would be your fault.

One of the tables has come to life.

Sounds like the magical field from the amulet has leaked onto a table.

It's become sentient.

Reminds me of a time during the winter campaign...

Not now, Herman.

We need to neutralise the bracelet.

Stand aside Herman, I'm going in.

Give me 10 minutes.

I predict total success.

Yeah, he's dead. Don't come in!

Don't come anywhere near this...it's terrifying!

Is that my amulet doing that? Yeah.

Shouldn't we go in and help him?

It's been ten minutes. Oh, he'll be fine.

He's got me, argh! Back off!

I suggest a two-pronged attack.

Herman goes in as a first prong, and we stay out here,

forming a second, defensive prong.

Good idea, stay back.

Back off, you four-legged feral piece of furniture!

By the Four Tongues of Azul, Krunt!

Stay out!

Whoa, argh!

Er...

Anyone want a pickled beak?

All that stuff is going on your tab.

You can't blame me, Herman.

I was affected by a very powerful magical field.

Forcing me to drink all your gin,

starting with the most expensive one.

Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?

I want that thing out of the way before this place is closed down.

So you listen to me, Howell...

How does he do that?

So, I'd quite like to go home now, please.

No, stay here, Brian. Who knows what your future holds?

Well, you're the soothsayer.

Oh, obviously, I know what your future holds.

Brian, give me your hand.

Let's see, just from looking, oh, they're soft.

I can see that you are a leader of men,

about whom great tales will be told.

Speak to us of your world, Brian.

A world full wonders the likes of which we cannot even imagine.

OK, erm...

I work for an internet publishers.

OK, so essentially what we do is market and distribute

any form of structured online content.

Have you got the internet?

It's kinda like a giant book.

Oh, you're a writer! How distinguished!

No, no, no, no, I handle the sales.

You're a book seller? Ah, a noble trade.

Not quite. No, no, no.

What I do is I drive traffic to the relevant consumer platforms.

I'm hearing "delivery boy."

Well, yeah, but I mean that's what I do during the day.

But at night...

So, I'm on the balcony, I'm tooled up,

have a quick look through my night-vision goggles,

and bingo, I spot the hostages.

Wow!

Just as I'm rescuing the last hostage,

Blofeld bursts into the room.

"Mr Weaver - ve meet at last."

Quick as a flash, I activate my exploding watch -

it's the one that Q gave me at the beginning.

I stuff it down his trousers,

kick him through the sliding doors, and ker-boom!

He blows up. The watch blows up.

Incredible! Doors that can slide!

Lovely story, Brian, but I have my own wrongs to right.

Vis-a-vis my new campaign to help save the veterans of the Mage Wars.

Anons.

He's got issues with his parents.

His mother was a giant, his father was a dwarf.

But how...?

With a step ladder.

Well, our little problem is no more.

I've found a buyer and they're paying a lot of money.

And I mean a LOT of money.

And I mean a lot of MONEY. What buyer?

I am not at liberty to reveal that.

Well, as long as you're not selling it to Slasher Morgan.

I've sold it to Slasher Morgan. What? That violent psychopath?

Morgan is coming to pick this up in exactly one hour.

Right and then after that, you'll send me home?

You want to go home?

You can't get home without the amulet.

What? You mean the amulet can get me home?

Probably, too late now though. Sold it.

You can settle your bar bill then.

Sadly, Herman, it's been swallowed up in various expenses.

Are those new shoes?

What? These old things?

Well, I really need to get home, so I'm going to keep the amulet.

Careful, Brian. It's mine.

No it isn't! I'm keeping it.

I've sold it. To Slasher Morgan.

I NEED that amulet.

It was addressed to me! You can keep the phone charger.

If I don't give this amulet to Slasher Morgan,

I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life

disguised as a pot plant.

Whoa - that's it! I've got it.

Brian, Barbara - are you with me?

No. No.

Great. Here's what we do,

I disguise you both as fairies.

At three o'clock precisely,

I start the exchange, exactly one minute later you burst in,

confiscate the amulet, take the money, and leave.

We grab the cash AND the amulet.

Well, we look nothing like fairies.

Transformational magic.

I'll create a potion which will transform you and Barbara

into two of the most terrifying fairies Munty has ever seen.

It sounds quite dangerous.

Not for a man with your secret agent training.

Oh, yeah, no, the secret agent stuff that I do.

100% fool-proof. Well, high 90s.

Have you ever made this potion before?

Of course. But I think I know what I did wrong.

Oh, God.

Are you here for the meeting?

Can I take your coat?

Oh.

Thank you.

Name? I am Hrothgar.

Hrothgar. OK.

Son of Hedrreidersson, conqueror of the Dark Forest,

slayer of the Tertian Army,

Clansman of the Tribe of Uruk, but you can call me Hroth.

Ergh.

Can I just remind you that all magical items

need to be left outside of the room.

What would you like to drink?

The blood of my enemies.

Supped from their children's skulls.

Mint tea?

This isn't gonna work. Of course it is.

We're a team. Like Quarn and Wimby.

I don't know who they are.

Oh, yeah. Well they're a team. Well, they were a team.

Quarn's dead now.

He got into a fight with Slasher Morgan about some money.

That's a bad example, actually.

I know - I'll do a reading. OK.

Death. Don't worry that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Death.

That's odd, there's normally only one death card.

Death by water, death by melting...

Oh. Oh, God. They're all death!

No look, this one's love.

What, the hooded man with a scythe pulling the intestines out of a dog?

Well, it's more the love of death.

This is not good.

And this, this is safe, is it?

Only nothing Howell's done has filled me with confidence so far.

To be honest, I'm more worried about turning into a man.

I don't want anything flapping around.

Right, well, perhaps we should just go for it.

The sooner I get the amulet back, the sooner I can go home.

Oh.

Here goes.

It's working!

Where does it go when you cross your legs?

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Erm, we are all outsiders.

We have all fought battles.

You, as warriors, have fought physical battles.

I, as half-giant, half-dwarf, have fought verbal battles.

People calling me names, "titch", "dickhead",

purely because of my size.

You have been abused, not sexually, er, probably,

that bit we don't know.

As have I. Again, not sexually, that I know.

What is this - a magical device?!

Someone here has betrayed us.

You speak of betrayal -

you who murdered the Hrarr Hurhath

and brought disgrace to the Peoples of Black Mountain.

That's a little aggressive.

The tribes shall have vengeance!

But we will fight you until the end of time!

Let's look at my leaflets!

OK, Howell. Couple more minutes.

You ready?

Almost.

Better.

And remember - there is no greater glory

than to die in the heat of battle.

I'll be out the back.

Morgan - you're early.

Greetings, Howell.

Herman. You do have the goods?

Yes, yes absolutely. All here.

Excellent. I wouldn't want you to end up like Ezelvek the Librarian.

He won't be shushing me again.

Haaaaa.

Here's the money.

Morgan! Um there was one thing...

I've given up dairy. What?

How about a drink for old times sake?

Yeah? Herman, two pints. Four pints.

Eight pints. All the pints.

I can't stick around.

People's kneecaps don't break themselves, you know.

Haaaa.

# He was a simple valley elf

# And she was a pixie queen...

Nobody move.

We have reason to believe

that there is an unauthorised use of magic in this establishment.

Gentlemen - there's surely been some kind of mistake.

Shut it!

The trade of unlicensed magical objects is strictly forbidden.

I'll have this. Spring Leaf, take the bag.

Will do, Chestnut.

Oh, no! That's really annoying!

Leave it, Howell.

We will be telling the Protector about this.

Mind how you go!

If I find out that someone has blabbed, they will die...

horribly...to music.

Thank Krunt for that.

Howell, you're a bloody genius.

Herman, this calls for a little celebratory drink.

Actually, this calls for a large celebratory drink!

Got to hand it to Brian and Barbara, ooh, wow.

Don't move!

By order of the Defender,

you're using magic when you shouldn't be.

We're here to get the box and the bag.

You grab the bag...Prickly Bush. Brian!

And I'll grab the box. Where is the box?

Brian? Barbara?

No.

Forgot the powdered wolfsbane. Where's Morgan?

She's gone. Gone?!

Hang on. If you're here, who was that just then?

By the Beard of Krunt, they must have been real fairies.

They've taken the amulet and the cash.

Well, doesn't that mean everything's just gone massively wrong?

Oh, God.

The wings are quite good though, aren't they?

Pint, please, Herman.

How did your meeting go, Steg?

Let's just say I have helped reduce the number of homeless warriors.

Is that my jacket? Yeah, yeah.

Don't worry, that'll brush off. Just a little, yeah.

You might have told me there was a magical item in your pocket.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go and remove some rolled-up leaflets from my anus.

Oooh.

What's that? It's my mobile.

It's a long-range communicating device.

Interesting.

Some kind of geo-magical field.

Strong connection to its place of origin.

Of course!

Brian, I think I can get you home, mate!

Ah, good.

Hurry up, Howell. I can't afford another visit from the fairies.

Don't worry, Herman.

I've surrounded us with an impregnable cloaking spell,

this room is completely unfindable.

Not now, Trebor.

Right, Brian, when I give you this sign...

..you press the green connecting button on your communicating box.

I will then reverse the transportational spell,

sending you straight back to where you came from.

100% safe. High 90s.

I'm finally going home.

But, Brian, you're my tall, dark stranger.

Ah, ah, no, no I'm not, Barbara.

You ready? More than ready.

I'm going back to Jess.

And my new job and...

..oh, sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, it is. Yeah, no, I've actually got the charger now,

there was a bit of a misunderstanding.

Yeah, no, it's a funny story, actually.

Hello? Hello?

It's dead. Sorry about that, where were we?

Press the green button.

Oh, er, no I can't.

It's run out of battery. Press it.

But that isn't a problem, is it? No, no, no, it's not a problem.

All we have to do, we just need to use the new charger,

which we've got, and plug it into a socket.

Which we haven't got.

I'm stuck here, aren't I?

Just as I predicted.

You are, as we say in magical circles -

completely fucked.

Nooooooo!