All language subtitles for Vince.S01E08.720p.WEB-DL.H264-7VFr33104D_track3_[eng]

(UPBEAT, CHEERFUL MUSIC)

- # The sun is rising and I'm...

# I'm feeling fine.

- Hey, big guy. There you are.

- # I put my favourite
clothes on and I...

- Hey, a fan.

Wow.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

This guy. Hey-hey!
(SMACK!)
Eh, look after yourself.

Little child in need
of some inspiration.
(PEN SQUEAKS)

You reach for your
dreams, little boy.

Ew, no. Don't do babies.

- # I'm feeling good.

- Oi!

- # I'm feeling good

# on a hot, hot day. I'm feeling...
- # Good...

- # ...feeling good, yeah.
- # ...on a hot, hot day.

# Feeling good. #

- Hey-hey!
Any messages for me, Debs?

- Your spray tan appointments
are no longer my concern.

- Yeah. Fair call. Well,...

you hold a commanding
presence, boss.

- I wonder if Billybags regrets
signing that insane contract

in one of his tornadoes of
blinded arrogance that night.

- At least the board acknowledged
that insane contract.

Just so you know, behind
that door — huge desk.

You know what they say about
people with big desks?

- They can't fit it
through the door?

- Yeah.

(WHISTLES)

(GASPS)
- BOTH: Gift basket!

- Got those weird pickles that
are gonna sit in my pantry forever

and paper-thin wafer crackers.

I'm back.
- Eeny,

meeny, miny... Ooh!

- BOTH: Oh!
- And you are back.

We are back, baby.

(SIGHS)

What? We're celebrating.
There's no plonk.

It's just like a very dirty
martini. (SLURPS, SMACKS LIPS)

Mmm. Dirty.

And — get this — table for two...

at Darke. Apparently,

the restaurant is in
pitch-black darkness.

And 'dark' is spelt
with an E at the end.

- That is so pretentious.
- I guess you have to take me,

now that your nasty lawyer lady's
dumped your pasty white arse.

- Just so you know, my pasty white
arse is due a spray tan. All right?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hey.
- Hey.

Thought you might want these.
There's some grumpy guy in a
wheelchair who said

you parked in the disabled park,
and then threw them at him, so...

(KEYS JINGLE)
- Oh, thanks for reparking it.
- I didn't.

- Uh, good, because I negotiated
hard for that disabled car park.

- Nice.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, Tobes.

What's with the long face?
- You want some gherkin martini?

- No. I don't know — they
confiscated my dressing room, so...

- Well, you did ambush
the former network head

and cause his disgraceful
downfall live on air, hmm?

- That wasn't me,
OK? It was all Lou.

- Doesn't matter. You got a fancy
pants new gig with me now.

And you can share this dressing
room. Alexis, she'll draw up a
spreadsheet of shower times.

- Mm-mm.
- The shower times clash,

we shower together,
like teammates. Mm-hm.

- PA: Vince Walters
to Studio Three, please.

- (GASPS) Showtime, baby.

- BOTH: I'm a mother pheasant
plucker; I pluck mother pheasants.

I'm the most pleasant mother pheasant
plucker to ever pluck a mother
pheasant.

- Fucking peasant.

(EXCITING MUSIC, APPLAUSE)
- Hey!

Welcome along, everybody,
to Mike Martin Tonight

with Vince Walters... tonight.

My condolences to the next host
to take over this programme —

I don't think we're gonna be able
to fit your name into the title.
(LAUGHTER)

But rest assured to the viewers
at home — and to the censors —

I have learnt my lesson,
and tonight, I am...

double-belting.
(LAUGHTER)

We have a fantastic show coming
up for you this evening.

As always, I'm joined by
my loyal sidekick, Toby.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

And, of course, we have all of your
favourite segments coming up as
well,

including Mike's Minutes
with Vince Walters,

Drop the Mike with Vince Walters

and Reverse Mike-ology with —

that's right — Vince Walters.

Can we just cut? Sorry.
(BELL RINGS)
Um,

are we able to maybe brainstorm
some, you know, new segments

that don't have Mike's
name at the front?

Mike's... Mike's gone.
He's no longer with us.
- Mike Martin's dead?

- No, Mike Martin is not dead.
- SOFTLY: Well, he is to me.

What do you reckon, mate?
Should we rework this?

- Well, I don't think my
opinion really matters.

- No, you're probably
right, it doesn't. Yeah.

- If you've got a problem with the
script, you're gonna have to take
it up with the boss.

- Yeah, I'm really
glad he's not dead.

He's like a father to me.

- Uh, no vaping in here.
- Eat a dick, Deb. What,

you're gonna go all HR on me
now that you're the big dog?

- All right, give us a hoon.
- All right.

(SNAP!)
Oh, you...!

(PLINK!)
OK. You were serious this time.

- When aren't I?
What can I do for you?
- We wanna talk about branding.

- Mm. Is it just us, or you're not
really letting go of Mike Martin?

- Look, Mike's been
here for 23 years.

We're looking for familiarity
for the audience.

Continuity. It came
through in the research.

- Oh, yeah? Where's the research?

- Are you questioning me, Vince? I
don't need to show you the research.

- Because there is no research —
something Billy used to do all
the time to shut the talent up.

- Careful, Vince.
Don't forget who you're talking to.

- Yeah, I know who I'm talking to.
I'm talking to Billy's assistant.

Don't pee on my head and
tell me it's raining, Debs.

- HUSHED: I think it's
'pee on my leg', mate.

- HUSHED: Leg, head, whatever.
It's other people's urine;

it's unhygienic. You get the point.
- (CHUCKLES)

Tell you what — message heard.

I know exactly what needs to happen.

(GLUM MUSIC)

(RAIN PATTERS)

(KNOCKING)

- Hello.
- SOFTLY: Hey.

Jeez, good memories
in this place, hey?
- Yeah.

- How's the cat?
- We've never had a cat.

- Yes, we did — Mr Tibbles.
I fed him every day.

Hmm.

See? Cat.
- No, that is definitely
not our cat.

- Damn it. I loved that cat.
- What is all this?

- Oh, it's just an album I made.
Evie's always banging on about the

fact we don't have
actual family photos.

All she thinks is we've got those
dumb publicity ones from magazines.

- Oh, this is really sweet.

We actually had some
really good times.
- SOFTLY: Yeah.

And some truly shocking ones too.
- (CHUCKLES)

- I'll take the hit for that one.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

Is Evie about?
- Uh, well,...

she's pretty busy, um,

sorting her DNA samples.
- Who's she been swabbing this time?

- She's a bit cagey on that bit.
(CHUCKLES) But now's not a great
time.

- Uh, I can't not see her. I'll
just pop in. She can swab me.

It's all good.
- Uh,...

in her words, she has...

excised you, like a tumour.

I'm sorry.
- OK. Uh,

well, make sure she gets that, eh?

- Yup.

(SLOW, BITTERSWEET MUSIC)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(BANG! CORK CLATTERS)
- Whoo-hoo! (GIGGLES)

Vince!
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)
Oh, Vince, come on.

Forget about Evie already.
Kids get over shit.

If she doesn't, just have another
one, and make that one like you.
- More sound advice from you (!)

- End of the day, all that matters

is that we have got what we wanted.

Got the show, free car,

fake people being fake to us,
pretending they like us again,

and this grossly oversized
bottle of champers.
- Yeah, it's—

it's pretty gross.
- Now drink up. In my experience,

the best way to wash away feelings
of family disappointment,

guilt is with oversized
alcoholic beverages.

Cheers.

All right, fine.
What is it you kiwis say?

KIWI ACCENT: 'Go on. Get it down
ya. Yeah, get it down ya, good boy.

'Good boy. That's the boy. Yeah,
skull, skull, skull, skull, skull.'

Cheers.

(CURTAIN SCRAPES)

- Vincie, baby, wakey, wakey.

It's your big day.

- (COUGHS, RASPS)
What are you doing here?

- What do you mean,
what am I doing here?

You naughty, naughty, naughty boy.

- Did we...?
- Have a magical night?

You know, I thought you'd be a shit
lay, Vince, but, oh, you were
sensual.

- (SIGHS)
- And so virile.
- WHISPERS: Son of a bee-sting.

- It was perfection. Apart from
the whole protection whoopsie.

Yeah, I know how fertile you are,
and, yeah, my eggs are feeling very,

very fertilised this morning.
- Ew! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What have we done?!
(SMACK!)
- You moron. We didn't do anything.

I mean, you wouldn't stop with the
whole, 'Oh, get it down me, get it
down me, get it down me,'

and then you just vomited all over
my Jimmy Choos and passed out.

- (SIGHS)
I went back to the office,

knocked out a few hours on the
old elliptical, then I went to
the casino —

won $850.

- (SIGHS) Have you been to sleep?
- Sleep's for the weak and babies.

Here, chuck this coffee in your gob.

It's show day. I'll see
you down there, big boy, OK?

(CLAP, CLAP!)
Hey.
- (SIGHS)

- Oh, and vinegar works a treat.

- What, for hangovers?

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(FUNK MUSIC)

(WINGS FLUTTER, BIRDS SQUAWK)

- Gah! Gah!
(FLUTTERING RECEDES)

- What the hell was that?
- Oh, it's magpies.

They're nesting on the roof.
- Who knew vinegar was
such a bird stimulant!

- Oh yeah.
- Sure showed them, though.

They won't be back any time soon.
- No way, no how.

- How's it been back on the tools?
- Oh, yeah. It's good.

Got an arsonist to defend.
- What did he do?

- Set stuff on fire.
- He could've robbed a bank.

Just cos he's an arsonist, that
shouldn't take away from his
other criminal achievements.

- What about you? You're, um...
You're back on your tools.

- Mm.
- Good luck for tonight.
- Hey, uh,...

how about we get together
sometime and fight birds?

Have a win for the land lovers?

- Very tempting, but, um,...

maybe not, moron.

- (SIGHS)

'Another win for the
land lovers'? Idiot.

Um,... don't take
this the wrong way,...

but I feel like I've got more white
powder on my face than Colombia
right now.

- Yeah, you are starting
to look a bit like a mime.
- Mm.

- I'm just gonna even it up.
- Do you think that
could be a red flag

we could've overdone it?
- Yeah, I have no
idea what I'm doing.

- You can't tell (!)
- I'm sorry about that.

We should have someone else
tomorrow. The makeup artist
walked out once Mike left.

Apparently just could
not face coming to work.

He really was like
a father to us all.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Evie.

Hey, could we finish this whole
Marcel Marceau thing later on, yeah?

- Yep.

- So, what do you think?

Ooh, ooh.
- I think you're teetering
on a whiteface scandal.

- Yeah. (SIGHS)

I thought you had excised
me like a tumour.
- I did,

but unfortunately, tumours
have a way of growing back.

I've come to say goodbye.

- Right. You could
stay here with me.

It's not too late.

- Dad, you chose this. This world
is a big part of your identity.

It's important to you.
- You are important to me.

I've changed.
You've seen it. I'm better now.

Or less worse.

Just let me prove it to you.

- Dad, I know you love me,

but you and I both know that if
I stay here while you're working,

I will constantly be let down.

- SOFTLY: You're a very
special little girl.

I love you.

(HEARTWARMING MUSIC)

- Ah, how's my favourite
little girl in the world?

- (GASPS) Granddad!
- Hey!

- I'm taking the forensics kit
you bought me to Australia.
- That's my girl.

Do you need to swab me? Hmm?
- No, I still have
yours from last time.

- (CHUCKLES)
- What are you doing here?

- Well, I came to wish
you good luck, you know.

Break a leg and all
that showbiz razzmatazz.

Oh, plus, I, uh, had to
collect some belongings.

Fan mail, Foundie,
uppers and downers —

all the essential accoutrement
of a TV show host.

- Well, thanks and goodbye, Mike.

- Oh, why so formal, Vincie boy?

When are you gonna start
calling me father? Papa?

Dad?
- Uh, when are you
gonna start being one?

- OK, so as per usual,...

you two have somehow found
a way to make this uncomfortable.

So I'm just gonna go.

- BOTH: Call you when
you land, darling.

- OK.

- What do you mean,
'Start being a father,' eh?

I was the best father
anyone could dream of.

- (CHUCKLES) Let your ego
keep telling yourself that.

- I was a father to you
and a father to the nation.

Any kid would've been grateful
to have me as a dad.

- You were never at home to be one.

- Oh, is that why you
took your mother's name?

- You gave me no choice.
You literally weren't in my life.

- We spent quality
time together, son.

- Ha! What, when you dragged
me in here every now and then?
- You loved it here.

You know, free snacks, sparkling
water, watching your father
become a superstar.

Night after night,
entertaining the nation.

Me bringing home the
bacon for our family.

Oh, come on — you loved it.
- Mm. Yeah. Bumping uglies
with anything that moved.

- Wasn't my fault. What could
I possibly do about that?

- Uh, maybe don't have sex with
strangers and come home to your
family?

- I regret nothing.
None of it was my fault.

- You were literally having affairs
on people you were having affairs
with.

- I know. Incredible stamina, right?
- You made Mum and me miserable.

- Oh, don't start throwing
stones about our family life.

Goodness me. Your whole made-for-TV
marriage was a sham.

- That wasn't a sham.
- That's why she's
running off to Australia.

- See, this is why I don't
wanna end up like you.

Now all this is gone,
all that's left is a sad,

lonely, bitter,
abnormally horny old man.

- You ungrateful sod.

You think you got all
this on your own?

I was the one who orchestrated all

of this to hand the
empire over to you.

Yeah. Now you see.

I set you up to carry on the
legacy, to be just like me.

- I don't wanna be
anything like you.
- Don't fight it, Vincie boy.

The force is strong
between you and I.

The apple doth falleth
not far from the tree.

We're cut from the same cloth.
- (SCOFFS) You and
me are nothing alike.

- Oh, keep telling yourself that.

Good luck out there,
hosting my show,...

with my name,...

riding my coattails.

- Vince. Sorry. Vince.

Hey, um...

Whoa.
- Too much on the old powder?

- Yeah, a little bit.
- Yeah, thought so.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Probably be awkward if
I said no, wouldn't it?

- Well, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Honestly, you've
always been my idol.

Man, like, ever since
I was a teenager,

all I wanted to be
was Vince Walters.

I just didn't wanna, you know,
bring it up and make it weird for,

like, you know, like,
fanboying or whatever.

And just, you know,
tell me honestly —

do you think that this is
all I'm destined to be —

just, like, some sidekick
and never the main act?

- SOFTLY: Oh, Tobes.
This game's a roller coaster.

Sometimes you're on it;
sometimes you're off it;

sometimes you have your genitals
out in a children's hospital,

and they won't even let you into
the theme park to ride the roller
coaster.

But just know in here —

you've got the talent.

The right gig for you is
just around the corner.

- Oh, that's the janitor's closet.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I was
talking about the janitor (!)
- Oh.

- You'd be a great janitor. Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Strong hands. Good for scrubbing,

cleaning. (CHUCKLES)

You're one of the good ones, Tobes.

- One of the good ones?
Is that, like, a...

racist thing or something?

CHUCKLES: I'm kidding.
- Oh.

Never do that to me again.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Come on. Let's get
out there, sidekick.

I'm a mother pheasant plucker;
I pluck mother pheasants.

- There you are.
I need to tell you something.

Why do you look like
a Victorian prostitute?

- (SIGHS) Don't ask.

What's up?
- Now all I can think
about is snorting your face.

- Yeah, well, please don't do that.
- Uh...
- Hey!

Uh, what are you...?
Aren't you meant to be, like,

on a plane, cooking shrimps
on a barbie? What's going on?

- You haven't told him?
- I didn't know how.

- Do I have to do
everything around here?

Vince, I've made an
executive decision,

cos I'm an executive now.

You were right — we did need
a new name for the show.

- ANNOUNCER: Please welcome
our host with the most —

It's Mike Martin Tonight
with Lou Walters.

(APPLAUSE)
- Sorry, Vin. Debs
called last night.

But how good —
now you get to be with Evie.

(EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS,
CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Do I still go?
- No.

- Welcome to Mike Martin Tonight
with Lou Walters tonight.

My condolences to the next
person to host the show —

I don't think your name's
gonna fit in the title.

(LAUGHTER)
- How do you like
that from the assistant?

Remind me — was I meant to be
peeing on your head or your leg?

- I took my ex-husband
for the house,

the car and his TV job.
- You knew?

- Oh, I only just
found out an hour ago.

I just couldn't figure
out how to tell you.

- Well, this method
worked pretty well (!)

- Oh, I'm so glad you think so,
cos I wasn't sure about the angle.
Oh, Vince!

- ...Reverse Mike-ology
with Lou Walters,

and Drop the Mike with —
you guessed it — Lou Walters.

(LAUGHTER)
But for now, it's time
for our first guest.

(APPLAUSE)

(CELL PHONE DINGS, BUZZES)

- (SIGHS)

(PHONE DINGS, BUZZES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Fuck off, Alexis!

(DOWNBEAT MUSIC)

Oh, mate.

- So, you gonna apologise
for telling me to fuck off?

- Yeah, sorry about that one.

You hungry?
- Yeah.

- TV: Please welcome our
musical guest for this evening.

She has no last name,
like Beyonce, Madonna,

or someone avoiding Interpol.
(LAUGHTER)

Give it up for the wonderfully
talented Bethanae.

(APPLAUSE)

- # Oh, thinkin' about
our younger years,

# there was only you and me.

# We were young and wild and free.

# Baby, you're all that I want,

# when you're lying here in my arms.

# I'm findin' it hard to believe

# we're in heaven. #

- # For you,

# my love,...

# I will do...

# anything.
- # Ooh.

# I'll build myself a ladder...

- # Ladder...
- # ...and I'll climb...
- # ...and I'll climb...

- # ...to the Moon,...

# and I'll bring it down to you.

- # Bring it down to you.

- # For you,...

# my love,...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

# ...I will dive into the sea.

- # Ah,...

# sea of love.

- # I'll find the sweetest pearl,

# as a proof for my love. #

- Hey.
- Hey.

Thought you could use some company.
- (CHUCKLES)

(SMASH!)
- Mum!
- Oh, Rupert.

- Meet you on the balcony?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

(ROMANTIC DOO-WOP MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Captions were made with
the support of NZ On Air.

- Fuck, marry, kill — Gandhi,...

the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa.

I think I'd jump on board Gandhi, eh?

Phil, have you been working out?

I could eat my breakfast off
those buns, baby. (CHUCKLES)

I am so sick of these wannabe

namby-pamby Greta Thunberg losers.

I mean, we ruined the environment —
get over it already.

- READS: Welcome back.

Did you just lick me?
- You taste like lemons.

Oh, yes. See, Trump speaks the truth.

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2025.

- # Baby, don't put the blame

# on me.

# I'm just a fool boy,

# can't you see?

# You know I need you more than

# anything, my all,

# my everything.

- # My everything.

- # Baby, put all the blame

# on springtime.

# I never meant to cause you

# pain. Oh, baby,

# please say you'll remain.

- # Say you'll remain. #