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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:05,834 So, Michael, you're saying there's a new angle I should consider in this case? 2 00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:08,248 Love that. Major drama. 3 00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,587 Spill the tea, sweetheart. 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:14,796 The premise of our system is that a person's score during her time on Earth 5 00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:17,466 is final and inarguable. 6 00:00:17,643 --> 00:00:20,636 But because of my accidental experiment 7 00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:24,723 these four humans got better after they died - 8 00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,857 that's not supposed to be possible. 9 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:30,938 Over and over again, I watched as they became thoughtful and generous and... 10 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:33,447 and caring, and... and think about where they started. 11 00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:34,733 Uh, Jason? 12 00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:38,779 Growing up in Jacksonville, what did you do for fun after school, every day? 13 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:41,994 Me and my friends whipped empty spray paint cans at flamingos. 14 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,409 And now he's so much better. 15 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:45,786 I was already pretty good. 16 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:48,170 When I was six, I hit one right on the butt. 17 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,206 OK, let the immortal beings talk, darling. 18 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:52,153 So, they got better in your little pretend world. 19 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:55,090 That doesn't prove anything about what they were like on Earth. 20 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,630 No, see, I think it does prove something. 21 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:02,427 If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans 22 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:06,644 the very method we use to deem them good or bad 23 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:12,901 is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people 24 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:16,942 have been wrongly condemned to an eternity of torture. 25 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,029 Damn! That was intense! 26 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:24,078 Look at my arm, y'all! Look, I got goosebumps. 27 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,960 Huh, yeah. 28 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:27,460 Doesn't happen very often. 29 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:36,753 Wow. So, you saw your parents in the test? 30 00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,180 Yes. 31 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,008 And I immediately fell right back into my old pattern. 32 00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:44,768 Desperately trying to impress them and earn their admiration. 33 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,518 But then I heard this little voice in my head saying 34 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:50,232 "Tahani. Don't do this." 35 00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:53,315 The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey? 36 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:54,649 Oh, yes, sorry. 37 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,314 Maggie Smith is my Godmother. 38 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,237 Anyway, I took a deep breath. 39 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:02,495 Told them I ate a Cheeto and walked away. 40 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:03,789 Man! 41 00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:06,290 You have made so much progress. 42 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,417 I'm proud of you, hot stuff. 43 00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:11,962 Whatever progress I have made 44 00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,753 it's because you and I have become mates. 45 00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:17,843 That's British for "friends." - No, I know. 46 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,097 Ooh, how are your shoulders so comfy? 47 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:28,638 Well, I was voted "best shoulders" by British Vogue four years in a row. 48 00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:30,811 I get it. You're perfect. 49 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:32,563 Eleanor... I'm kidding. 50 00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:35,111 I was just taking the piss out of myself. 51 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,609 It was only two years. 52 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,278 Just doubled it... for humour. 53 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:42,536 OK. 54 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:46,281 Man, think about everything that's happened to us. 55 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:49,747 We died, Michael tortured us, we teamed up with him... 56 00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:51,702 we escaped, we went through the portal 57 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:54,042 the Judge ruled against us, then Michael showed up. 58 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:58,050 This has been one of the craziest years of my life. 59 00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,220 "One of"? 60 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:04,716 Yeah. I'm not sure what I would do if one more insane thing happened. 61 00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:05,804 Hi, Jason. 62 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:06,852 I love you. 63 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,644 Oh, word? 64 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:09,939 Word. 65 00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,518 I've been avoiding telling you. 66 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:15,310 My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate my complex feelings 67 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,103 but that was just a rationalisation. 68 00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:20,607 Hey, I guess I learned how to rationalise too. 69 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,659 That's neat. 70 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:26,196 This might be the last time I ever get to talk to you, so there it is. 71 00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,164 I love you. 72 00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,657 And I hereby stop avoiding this topic 73 00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:32,953 and rationalizing it by saying the situation is complicated. 74 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:37,966 Or that my brain is grinding like a fork in a garbage disposal. 75 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:39,176 Alright. 76 00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,840 Whatever. You're not really a part of this, Chidi. 77 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:43,723 Hey. 78 00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:44,765 Guess what? 79 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:47,053 I think I love you too, girl. 80 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,227 I'm not a girl. 81 00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:51,471 I'm also not just a "Janet" anymore. I don't know what I am. 82 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:56,392 Hey, man. What's up? 83 00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,865 Hot diggity dog! 84 00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:09,948 Oh, no! 85 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:13,622 Now the thing I said right after we kissed will always be, "Hot diggity dog!" 86 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,877 Whatever. 87 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,662 It was an honest reaction. I stand by it. 88 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,165 Hi, guys, couple quick announcements. 89 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,342 Would anyone eat chips and guac if I put it out? 90 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,093 It's good. It's homemade. 91 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,180 No takers? 92 00:04:24,182 --> 00:04:27,549 Alright - second thing, we figured out a plan to save your souls. 93 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:32,520 For the time being, the Judge is gonna put you in your own Medium Places 94 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,645 like Mindy St Claire. 95 00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:37,191 And while you're there, I'll keep working every angle I can think of 96 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,522 to get you guys into the Good Place for real. 97 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,316 This is great. So, we'd all be together? 98 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,819 Oh, no, that's the thing about Medium Places. 99 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,826 It has to be tailored to what's medium for the individuals 100 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,487 so if you're all together, it ain't medium. 101 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,697 How much time will we be alone? 102 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,666 Hard to say. Uh, could be a month. 103 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,452 Could be... a million years. 104 00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:58,918 So, between a month and a million years. Some... 105 00:04:58,965 --> 00:04:59,924 Yeah. - Give or take. 106 00:04:59,926 --> 00:05:01,757 Somewhere in there. Come on, you guys. 107 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:06,388 I know this isn't perfect but I need more time to build my case, and it's either this 108 00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:08,639 or back to the Bad Place. - Yeah. 109 00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:10,768 I'll say it. 110 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,685 Both those options suck. 111 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,221 OK, I'm sorry if that's blunt, Your Honour, but it's true. 112 00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:18,065 Also, Chidi just laid one on me, so I'm kinda dizzy. 113 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,358 You two kissed? 114 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,356 Hot diggity dog! 115 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:22,530 That's what I said! 116 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,277 The point is, we've all gotten better. 117 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,988 Why should we have to go live alone in a boring void 118 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:31,120 because of a messed-up system? How is that justice? 119 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:34,748 OK, slow your roll there, Erin Brockovich. 120 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:40,084 First of all, y'all didn't get good enough to pass the tests I just gave you. 121 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:43,712 Second, I still believe that the only reason that you improved 122 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,342 in Michael's fake Neighbourhood 123 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:49,757 is because you thought there was a reward at the end of the rainbow. 124 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:52,888 You're supposed to do good things because you're good 125 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,891 not because you're seeking moral dessert. 126 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,390 And I still believe that they would've become good people 127 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:01,149 if they'd just gotten a... 128 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,948 a push in the right direction. 129 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:10,860 Oh, no! 130 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,029 Nope. Nope. Absolutely not. 131 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:16,449 It's a little crazy. - A little bit crazy? It's Looney Tunes. 132 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,117 What are they talking about? - No idea. 133 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:21,287 It sets a very dangerous precedent. - It's only four people. 134 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,296 And it's clearly the best way 135 00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:26,630 to see if bad people can become good without knowing anything about 136 00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:28,239 what's waiting for them in the afterlife. 137 00:06:28,263 --> 00:06:29,221 Shotgun! 138 00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,742 Whatever they're talking about, if there's a shotgun, I call shotgun. 139 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,052 It's never gonna work, man. 140 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,121 If it doesn't, then they go right back to the Bad Place. 141 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,386 No one gets hurt 142 00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:37,974 except them. Forever. 143 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:41,107 And me, I assume, also... forever. 144 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,069 Mmmm... 145 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,112 ughhhhh... 146 00:06:45,114 --> 00:06:47,025 eeeuuuoww... 147 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,189 OK, let's do it. 148 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,241 Yes! 149 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,735 I don't know why, I'm just feeling kinda funky. 150 00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:55,530 But there have to be strict rules, otherwise the results will be tainted 151 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:59,917 and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point. 152 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,169 About what? Would someone who's not an eternal being 153 00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:04,296 please explain to me what the f... 154 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,217 Why are you like this? 155 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:10,753 Excuse me? "Why am I like this?" 156 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,383 You don't know me, dude. 157 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,764 You don't know what I'm like. 158 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,058 Look what you made me do, jagoff. 159 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,311 Ugh... 160 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,178 - Look out! - Uh-oh. 161 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:34,787 Holy crap. 162 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:36,953 I just almost died. 163 00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:40,453 She needs to know what was said. 164 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:43,870 That was so unfair. - First of all, this was just yesterday. 165 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,255 God, Eleanor. Take longer next time. 166 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,790 Oh, you look like crap. 167 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:53,175 I was outside the supermarket arguing with that little environmental twerp. 168 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,839 Ugh, I hate that guy. 169 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,759 Really? That skinny little hippie body kinda turns me on. 170 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,769 Gross. 171 00:07:58,771 --> 00:08:03,356 Guys, listen! I dropped the margarita mix and when I went to pick it up 172 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:07,318 a bunch of shopping carts came right at me, and I was just frozen. 173 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,983 And then someone pushed me out of the way 174 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:14,116 and the carts got, like, demolished by a truck. 175 00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,569 I mean, I could've died. 176 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,037 Oh, my God. - Whoa. 177 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,576 That's crazy. 178 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,033 So, is the margarita mix, like, gone? 179 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:26,750 I had a near-death experience recently. You know that old warehouse that burned down 180 00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:28,505 last month and like, four people died? 181 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,964 That building is, like, right by my old dentist. 182 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,304 If I still went to that dentist, and I had an appointment that day 183 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,633 I would've been, like... right near there. 184 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,598 I was in Syracuse, New York 185 00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:45,018 like, two weeks before 9/11. 186 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,519 No way! - Yeah. 187 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,604 Fourteen days. 188 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,860 I can't believe we all almost died. - I know! 189 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,112 I'm like... 190 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,652 My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. 191 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,913 And I think I might be a monster. 192 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,328 I'm rude. I'm selfish. 193 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:06,252 I cyber-bullied Ryan Lochte until he quit Instagram. 194 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,503 But something happened to me today 195 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:14,294 and from now on I'm gonna try to become a better, kinder, more generous person. 196 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:18,639 Hey! Can I use your credit card? 197 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,217 You know what? Yes, you can. 198 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:22,350 Cool. It's for porn. 199 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,395 I already used it. 200 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,074 Hey. 201 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,241 You look happy. 202 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,404 Did you get laid last night? 203 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,494 I didn't. 204 00:09:38,496 --> 00:09:39,781 Tried. Hard. 205 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,558 With this chick that I met after I followed her into a yoga class 206 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,993 but she wasn't into it. 207 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,825 Maced me - right in the eyes. 208 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:47,333 Stung like hell. 209 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:48,879 What was I saying? 210 00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:50,455 Oh, yeah. Hey. 211 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,632 Listen, dude. 212 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:52,835 What you're doing here 213 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,384 selling fake medicine to people, tricking them... 214 00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:57,179 is wrong. 215 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,422 Yeah. And? 216 00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:02,467 I can't be a part of it anymore. I'm trying to become a better person... 217 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:03,829 and as long as I work here... 218 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,515 Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, you quit. 219 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,270 Who cares? Give me your company ID. 220 00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:09,608 Thank you. 221 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:10,770 And your parking pass. 222 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,977 And your panties, please. 223 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,315 Dude! - What? Come on. 224 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:15,364 I had to try. 225 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,740 By the way, technically that is not sexual harassment 226 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:20,618 because she doesn't work here anymore. - You're wearing a wire? 227 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,699 Yeah. Company's being investigated for fraud 228 00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,613 so I'm helping the feds bring everyone down. 229 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:25,949 Good timing on your part. 230 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:27,458 Thank you? - No. 231 00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:28,583 Thank you... 232 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,457 for wearing open-toed shoes today. 233 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,416 Wow. - Dude. Get help. 234 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,045 I'm becoming a better person. You should too. 235 00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:36,759 Hey, Eleanor! 236 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,795 Do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower? 237 00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,179 Do you wanna chew on my ass... 238 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:41,589 ...sss... 239 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,052 ...sortment of brownies 240 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:45,593 that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower? 241 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:46,979 Sure. 242 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,334 Hi, there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment? 243 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:51,724 Hey. Remember me? 244 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:52,776 Ah! Don't hurt me! 245 00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:54,380 My bones are brittle. I have a calcium deficiency. 246 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,940 No, I'm not gonna hurt you, man. 247 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,738 I came to apologise. 248 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:00,033 There, I did it. 249 00:11:00,035 --> 00:11:01,035 I apologised. 250 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,364 No, you didn't. - Yes, I did, assface! 251 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,738 Mm... nope. You're right. I didn't. 252 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:11,039 I apologise for being mean to you, like a thousand times. 253 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,545 There's really no excuse. 254 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:15,299 Thanks. 255 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,134 Apology accepted. 256 00:11:17,136 --> 00:11:18,136 OK. 257 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:20,711 Uh, what's happening? I'm scared. 258 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,551 Hey, I'm on kind of, like, a self-improvement kick. 259 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:27,685 Do you think you could help me out? Teach me to get all horny for the environment 260 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:28,729 or whatever? 261 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,513 Hey, everyone. This is Eleanor. 262 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,015 She's joining the team. 263 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,774 Hi. 264 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,902 Welcome. - Nice to meet you. Hi. 265 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,446 Alright, Eleanor! 266 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:55,621 ♪ There is a sign among the remnants ♪ 267 00:11:56,007 --> 00:12:01,298 ♪ Of all our words, best left unsaid ♪ 268 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:06,011 ♪ And when the truth flies in our direction ♪ 269 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,971 ♪ Do we work it through ♪ 270 00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:10,932 ♪ Or lose our heads ♪ 271 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:14,857 ♪ Maybe, maybe, maybe ♪ 272 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,767 ♪ We're strong ♪ 273 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:21,610 ♪ But maybe, maybe, maybe we're wrong. ♪ 274 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:27,031 Mm. Babes, get in on these nachos, they're delish. 275 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,072 Mm-hm. - I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian. 276 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:30,534 Ew! Why? 277 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,958 Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals 278 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,243 with their cute widdle faces 279 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,095 because people stuff them into tiny cages just so that we can eat them? 280 00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,506 Yeah. That's exactly why, actually. 281 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,167 Also, it's the easiest way to lower your carbon foot print 282 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,961 not eating meat. - What? 283 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,092 OK, guys, um... 284 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:47,590 Can I say something for a second? 285 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,762 I love you. - Aw! 286 00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,519 I do. I mean, I went through a really rough time last year 287 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:55,376 with the whole "Dress Bitch" thing and people selling t-shirts with my face on them 288 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,483 but you two stuck by me. 289 00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,148 I love you, you dumb sluts! - Aaaah! 290 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,687 Come on! 291 00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:03,776 OK, there's probably something we should tell you. 292 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:07,193 Or not. We could also not. 293 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,612 We have to. It's the right thing to do. 294 00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,408 I tore your dress. And then I lied about it. 295 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:18,120 And then Brittany and I were the ones who made and sold the t-shirts. 296 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,129 But... we did not keep the money. 297 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,086 Yes, we did. We kept all the money. 298 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,176 And I'm really sorry. 299 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:26,388 OK. 300 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:30,845 That took a lot of courage for you to admit that. 301 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:34,227 Mm-hm. - And I admire your honesty. 302 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,810 You stupid skank! 303 00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:38,849 How could you do that to me? 304 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:41,143 I hate you! You're both disgusting hogs 305 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:43,938 and I want you to move out of my apartment, forever! 306 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,822 Literally starting right now! 307 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,323 I'm still really glad we told the truth. 308 00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,409 Cooooool. 309 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:53,749 Mm. 310 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,040 OK, steamed vegetable medley and ice water. 311 00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,498 Can I just get the check? 312 00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,706 And can you throw these plants in the trash? 313 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,553 ♪ For such a long time now ♪ 314 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:13,180 ♪ We're doing battle with our own familiar inhibitions ♪ 315 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,561 ♪ Far away from home ♪ 316 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:22,936 ♪ Our trusty compass fails to find this strange and new position ♪ 317 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:27,948 ♪ Maybe, maybe, maybe we're strong ♪ 318 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:32,487 ♪ But maybe, maybe, maybe we're strong ♪ 319 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:36,703 ♪ But maybe, maybe, maybe we're wrong. ♪ 320 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:37,751 Damn it! 321 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:45,798 They're suing you? 322 00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:47,675 This chick is claiming she has whiplash. 323 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,178 She wasn't in the car when I hit it. 324 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,259 This is on you. 325 00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,890 You should've pretended like you didn't see it and walked away. 326 00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:55,722 Like everyone else does. 327 00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:59,138 I know! I've hit your car like six times and never said anything. 328 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:01,102 But I'm trying to be good. 329 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,444 How's that working out for you? 330 00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:16,871 It's open, dummy! 331 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,409 Eleanor! Where have you been? 332 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,872 Oh, hey, man. 333 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,130 Sorry, it's been a crazy month, you know? 334 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:27,416 Moving was a hassle, and I'm in the middle of a lawsuit 335 00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:29,960 and I ate vegetables for the first time 336 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,719 and I got diarrhoea for, like, a week. 337 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,347 Uh... I know we don't pay a lot but this is a job 338 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,953 and we need to know we can count on you. 339 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:38,580 We're meeting tonight to discuss long-term strategy for the organisation. 340 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,207 Dude, dude, dude, dude... - I really think it would be... 341 00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:43,815 ...dude, dude, dude. Oh, sorry to interrupt whatever boring crap this is 342 00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,692 but, dude, you need to get dressed. 343 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:48,274 I got tickets to Taylor Splift 344 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,321 the Taylor Swift reggae cover band. 345 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,783 They're terrible. It's gonna be amazing! 346 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,281 Yeah, that sounds like more fun. 347 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,662 I'm-a do that. - Eleanor! 348 00:15:57,707 --> 00:15:59,869 What! What, dude? 349 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:02,034 I've been nothing but good for, like, six months 350 00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:04,829 and all I have to show for it is this crummy apartment 351 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,669 a lawsuit, a loose caboose, and an overdrawn bank account. 352 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:10,585 Being good is for suckers. What do you even get out of it? 353 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:14,217 A feeling of fulfillment... in your soul. 354 00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:19,555 Gross. That's the grossest sentence I've ever heard. 355 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,056 OK? I quit. 356 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,937 Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch. 357 00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:25,734 Whew! 358 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,271 I still think he's kinda hot. 359 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,233 I guess, in like a sick Victorian boy kinda way. 360 00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:32,443 Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want to, like, feed him soup. 361 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,904 It is good to have you back. 362 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,568 You are one of the most gifted con-women 363 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:38,658 I have ever watched sleep through her window. 364 00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:42,666 Thanks, bud. So, tell me about the new business. 365 00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,622 We sell classes at a for-profit university 366 00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,208 and the classes train people how to sell supplements. 367 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,836 So, it's a ponzi scheme within a ponzi scheme. 368 00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,091 That sounds kinda dicey. 369 00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:52,216 Oh, it's super dicey. 370 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:56,096 But I'm in witness protection so technically I can't be convicted of any crime. 371 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,619 Well, that's definitely not true, but I also don't care. 372 00:16:58,643 --> 00:16:59,804 Which one's my desk? 373 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:05,431 You realise what the problem is, right? - Yes. 374 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:06,644 But there's no way to help. 375 00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:12,946 I'm only giving that guy three stars 376 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,843 cos he didn't let me stick my head out the moonroof. 377 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:15,784 Yeah! 378 00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:18,277 Dude, my boyfriend just texted. 379 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,446 His wife's out of town, so I'm gonna head over there. 380 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:21,498 Mwah! 381 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,082 What? That's lame. Boo! 382 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,583 Happy birthday! 383 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,119 Hello, bartender. 384 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,121 One alcohol drink, please. 385 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,276 It's my birthday, if you wanna give it to me for free. 386 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,926 I always say that, but it actually is my birthday. 387 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:38,385 Last year on my birthday, I almost died 388 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:44,220 and then I did a bunch of stuff that was good, but weird 389 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,765 and then I stopped, and now I'm here. 390 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,060 Sounds like you had a pretty crazy year. 391 00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:53,229 Hm. - Wanna talk about it? 392 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,950 And in the end, Anthony Anderson and Jerry O'Connell 393 00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,782 started a successful shampoo company 394 00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:04,323 and you see the kangaroo jumping around Australia. 395 00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:09,996 That is the plot to the movie "Kangaroo Jack." 396 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,590 Why'd I tell you that? 397 00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:12,674 It's unclear. 398 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,050 You know, the thing is... 399 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,711 the problem, really, with being a do-gooder? 400 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,388 What's that? - No one cares. 401 00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:22,720 I mean some people care a little bit. 402 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:26,182 The twerpy little twerps from the environmental place, they care 403 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:29,098 but I was a good person for six months. 404 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,566 That's, like, five years. 405 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:35,737 And it felt OK but not as good as I thought it would. 406 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:37,780 And what did I get for it? 407 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:41,736 Ah, see? Now you're talking about moral dessert. 408 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:42,787 Exactly. 409 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:45,406 Wait. I am? What? 410 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:51,125 "Moral dessert" is the concept that if you act with virtue, you deserve a reward. 411 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,671 Right. I did a bunch of good stuff. 412 00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:57,209 I didn't get jack. Not fair, universe! 413 00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,174 Alright, even if the universe did function that way 414 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:03,715 who's to say that you didn't dig yourself such a deep hole 415 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,600 over the first 34 years of your life 416 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:10,936 that the six months you spent being good weren't enough to get you out of that hole? 417 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:14,185 See, there's a lot of great writing about this, if you're interested. 418 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:18,067 Who died and made you in charge of frickin' every... 419 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:19,614 knowing everything. 420 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:26,823 Well, you know, I recently got sort of into ethics and moral philosophy. 421 00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:30,371 You sound like a real live wire. 422 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,586 Whatevs. 423 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:34,955 The point is, if I'm not gonna get rewarded somehow 424 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:38,717 with, like, a tiara or one of those diagonal award belts. 425 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,214 Sash. - Sure. 426 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,549 Sash. - Then why should I do good things? 427 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:47,472 You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad 428 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,513 she'd hear this... this little voice in her head. 429 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:54,228 Distant little voice saying, "Oh, come on now, you know this is wrong." 430 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:59,025 And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. 431 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:00,907 It was a relief. 432 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:06,408 Your friend sounds like she's one pickle short of a pickle party. 433 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:09,865 I might have alcohol poisoning. 434 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,001 She was a little rough around the edges, but... 435 00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,041 she was also a really good person. 436 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:16,756 When she tried. 437 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,092 See, I think that little voice was her conscience 438 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,711 trying to guide her in the right direction. 439 00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:26,514 I gotta go home. What do I owe ya? 440 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,008 The real question, Eleanor 441 00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,102 is what do we owe to each other? 442 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,189 What? 443 00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:36,103 Did I sell you a drink? Am I a bartender? 444 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,942 Drinks are on me. 445 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,238 Good luck. 446 00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:47,202 Ow... 447 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:53,909 Anybody notice I was gone? 448 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:54,961 Nope. 449 00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:16,348 What do we owe to each other? 450 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,393 That is the question Tim Scanlon asked decades ago 451 00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:24,106 and it is the question I will try to answer over the next three hours. 452 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,774 Ugh. No, thanks. 453 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:27,905 We all have a voice in our head. 454 00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:31,117 That voice doesn't tell us what to do, or not do 455 00:21:31,165 --> 00:21:36,502 but it does warn us when we do things that don't feel good or right. 456 00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:38,628 The difference between... - The term "reasonable." 457 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:41,756 What does it mean to be a reasonable person? 458 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,339 I may have a different definition of reasonable... 459 00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:45,386 So, why do it then? 460 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,170 Why choose to be good every day 461 00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:52,435 if there is no guaranteed reward we can count on, now or in the afterlife? 462 00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:56,563 I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people 463 00:21:56,607 --> 00:22:00,351 and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. 464 00:22:00,611 --> 00:22:03,695 At the intersection of empathy and ethics 465 00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:08,275 is the realisation that we are not in this alone. 466 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:09,828 Thank you. 467 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:13,405 Hey, dog bait. 468 00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:15,073 Didn't you get my message? Let's go! 469 00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:16,366 Time is booze. 470 00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:18,159 Yeah, no thanks. I'm... 471 00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:20,832 going somewhere else. 472 00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:28,930 Hi. - G'day. 473 00:22:28,973 --> 00:22:31,056 Where you headed? - Saint John's University, please. 474 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,100 No worries. 475 00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:38,225 Do you wanna talk to God? 476 00:22:38,274 --> 00:22:40,391 What? No. Get away from me, freak. 477 00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:01,544 Hi. - Oh, I'm sorry. 478 00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:02,649 Office hours are on Tuesday. 479 00:23:02,673 --> 00:23:04,084 Oh, I... I'm not a student. 480 00:23:04,133 --> 00:23:06,625 Are you Chidi Ana... Kendrick? 481 00:23:07,094 --> 00:23:09,006 Anagonye. And yes. 482 00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:12,138 From the long, nerdy video about the little voice that tells you to be good? 483 00:23:12,182 --> 00:23:14,048 From the Kissac Foundation lecture series 484 00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:16,684 on the practical applications of ethical theory - yes. 485 00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:17,765 Great. Hi. 486 00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,304 My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. 487 00:23:20,774 --> 00:23:21,774 Can we talk? 488 00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:25,737 OK. 489 00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:27,695 Here we go. 35021

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