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1
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:07,414
Aaaaaah!
2
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:18,551
That... was... awesome!
3
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,013
I'm going again!
- No!
4
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,688
I think I barfed in the nether-dimension
before we landed.
5
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:26,475
Is my barf just going
to float out there forever?
6
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,963
Is someone gonna fly through my barf
when they use the portal?
7
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,353
Ugh, stop saying "barf."
8
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,441
And where's Michael?
9
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,157
He's not coming.
10
00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,696
He sacrificed himself to save me.
11
00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:37,986
The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him.
12
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:41,410
Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?
13
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:42,708
A bad grab.
14
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,747
Like, a nice, bad grab,
or a mean bad grab?
15
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,205
No Michael and no Janet.
16
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,315
Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.
17
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,501
Not even a mere "toodle-loo."
18
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:56,511
We're on our own.
19
00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:58,802
We have to handle this ourselves.
20
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,181
Michael said the portal
would lead us to the Judge
21
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:04,772
so...
22
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,057
where's the Judge?
23
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,100
All I see is a burrito.
24
00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,352
Do you think it's a test?
25
00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:14,154
Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it
26
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,737
or... or we eat it together,
or... or... maybe...
27
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,868
maybe it's a test to see
how long we can go without eating it.
28
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,030
I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it.
29
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,624
Unless...
30
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,245
the burrito is the Judge.
31
00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:30,380
Don't be so bloody ridiculous.
32
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,461
Judges aren't food.
Judges are serious people
33
00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:35,422
who wear long silk nightgowns
and big white powdered wigs.
34
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,470
Eh-eh...
35
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:37,722
he could be right.
36
00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:38,806
- What?
- Really?
37
00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:39,808
I don't know.
38
00:01:39,810 --> 00:01:42,050
I'm just saying,
we've certainly seen weirder things
39
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,434
than an all-knowing burrito.
40
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,345
We can't take any chances.
41
00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:49,767
Hello, Your Excellency.
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
42
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,400
We doth seek thine judgment.
43
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,609
We've traveled a long distance
to see you, O great one...
44
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,546
What are you guys looking at?
45
00:01:58,160 --> 00:01:59,076
Hi.
46
00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:01,069
I'm the Judge. That's a burrito.
47
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:02,862
What's up, guys?
48
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,122
Yeah, I did not think I had a case today.
49
00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,735
The paperwork should have shown up by now
50
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:16,422
unless, you guys just, like, came here?
51
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,587
Wait, did you guys just come here?
52
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,132
Oh, my God.
53
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:23,758
You guys are bad.
54
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,426
Which one is the worst one of you?
55
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,479
Is it you, glasses?
56
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,263
Oh, I bet it's you.
57
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:31,228
OK, yeah... well,
we did just sort of "show up"
58
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,233
but we had to, we were escaping
the Bad Place.
59
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,464
Mm-hm.
- Which now that I think about it
60
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,605
there might be some demons following us.
61
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,570
Oh, don't worry about that.
Any time anyone shows up in my chambers
62
00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:41,826
the portal is sealed
until I issue my ruling.
63
00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:43,281
So, you guys can relax.
64
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:44,330
Get comfortable.
65
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,787
A classic St Crispin's Day
Garden Party Frock.
66
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,501
Wait - is it after 4PM?
67
00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:51,962
Not important.
68
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,452
Let's have a look at your files.
69
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,027
Wait, you don't already know
everything about us?
70
00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,167
You're not omniscient?
71
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,381
Well, not in the way you mean.
72
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,463
I try to learn as little as I can
about the events of humankind
73
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,008
so I can remain impartial,
cos I'm a judge, yada-yada-yada.
74
00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:08,686
That being said, sometimes I get bored
and I cheat a little bit.
75
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:11,097
I've been bingeing
Ken Burns' "Vietnam" recently.
76
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,066
It's OK.
77
00:03:12,068 --> 00:03:13,399
I mean, I'm immortal
78
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,901
but that thing is loooong!
79
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,107
You know what I'm saying?
80
00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:19,814
Anyway, your petition is denied,
I can't hear your case.
81
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,158
Please exit to the rear.
82
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:23,536
What?
83
00:03:23,538 --> 00:03:26,029
I just absorbed the entirety
of your existences
84
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:30,576
and I just want to say,
you guys are so cute.
85
00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,164
And the thing is
86
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,148
you didn't file any paperwork,
and you have no advocate
87
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,380
and the rules say I gotta... pbfft!
88
00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,092
Send you back.
89
00:03:38,094 --> 00:03:39,094
Your honour.
90
00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:41,131
Please hear our case.
91
00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:43,341
You frankly wouldn't believe
what we have been through
92
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,597
just to be here today.
93
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:47,884
I mean, I would, because I just learned
everything about you
94
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:53,022
but keep talking,
I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
95
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,065
We have made so much progress
96
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:58,228
and all we ask is an audience with you,
to prove it.
97
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,899
Is that not your very purpose?
To weigh in on matters such as ours?
98
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,317
To paraphrase a song written
by my godfather -
99
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,119
"Hey Judge, don't make it bad."
100
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:10,156
"Take a sad group, and make us better."
101
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,376
Say "aluminum."
102
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,710
"Alu-minnium."
103
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,755
I love that!
104
00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,630
And I love your passion.
105
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,462
I mean, it takes a lot of guts
to just show up here unannounced.
106
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,718
Plus, I haven't had a case in,
like, 30 years
107
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,800
and I'm super bored.
108
00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:27,340
So, it's either this or start "Bloodline"
109
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:28,350
and I don't know
110
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:31,344
I just don't feel like I can see
Kyle Chandler as anyone else
111
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,557
but Coach Taylor.
112
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,231
Ssssso, the case?
113
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:37,610
Right!
114
00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:40,488
Let's do it.
115
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:46,401
You had one job.
Torture four bad people forever.
116
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,490
Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.
117
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,326
You really junked your jeans on this one,
you butterface.
118
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:52,615
I did what I had to do.
119
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,909
Oh, you ha d to junk your jeans?
120
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,496
How could you betray
your own kind like this?
121
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,915
Who taught you
how to turn a human inside out
122
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,728
by reaching down their throat
and grabbing their butt from the inside?
123
00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:06,254
You did.
- You got that right, sister.
124
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,548
And this is how you repay me.
125
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,058
Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture.
126
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,559
You never cared about me.
127
00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,687
In the words of one of my actual friends -
128
00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:16,023
"Ya basic!"
129
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,266
It's a human insult.
130
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,318
It's devastating.
131
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,235
You're devastated right now.
132
00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,315
The point is...
133
00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,856
the four of them are in front of the Judge
134
00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:27,241
and the Good Janet has escaped too
135
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:28,285
you'll never find her.
136
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:29,986
Oh, you mean this...
137
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:31,121
Good Janet?
138
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,239
I found her in, like, two seconds.
139
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:36,284
She was wandering the halls
being polite to people.
140
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,543
Like a chump.
141
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,332
So, I marble-ised her.
142
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,756
Keep her if you want.
143
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,451
Maybe shove it up your weiner
for safekeeping. I don't know.
144
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,001
It's up to you.
- Poor Janet.
145
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,295
She was a good friend.
146
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,347
Friend?
147
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,220
What kind of monster aren't you?
148
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,509
I'm going to give each of you a test
149
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,098
to see how much progress you've made
150
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,479
and if I deem you fit
to be in the Good Place
151
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,231
then... zoop!
152
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:00,734
Up you go!
153
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:04,570
Well, actually, sort of... that way. Zurp!
154
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,446
Great. Can we be tested together
as a group?
155
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,741
Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat
off Chidi.
156
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,661
Oh! That's why your name is "Chidi."
157
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,322
I get it now.
158
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:17,283
I'm sorry, cuties.
The tests have to be individual.
159
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,917
Well, can we be graded as a group then?
160
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:22,539
The only reason we've come this far
is because we've helped each other.
161
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:25,208
And I don't think anything's
gonna feel like the Good Place
162
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,421
if we're not together.
163
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,711
So, if you all pass, you're in.
164
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,636
And if even one of you fails,
you're all effed.
165
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,018
Right?
166
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,593
Terrible idea.
167
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,012
I mean, truly awful.
168
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,683
You are very lucky that I cannot send you
to the Bad Idea Place
169
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,476
because that one is a stanker.
170
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,025
But whatever blows your dress up.
I mean, am I right?
171
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,615
Hold on.
172
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:52,152
Guys, whatever these tests might be,
we can hack it.
173
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,987
I mean, think about
all the scary stuff we've seen.
174
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,532
All the times we were almost captured
by demons.
175
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:00,418
And worst of all,
the time that Chidi told us
176
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,102
when we finished a book, we'd get a treat
177
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,122
and the treat turned out to be another book.
178
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,540
Books can be treats.
179
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:06,944
I am not having this argument again.
180
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,709
Point is, we got this.
181
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,755
We are Team Cockroach.
We can pass these tests.
182
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,013
I believe in us.
183
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,174
We'll start with Jason.
184
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,683
Oh, no. We're doomed.
- Ugh!
185
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,970
Oh, sorry, I mean - good luck!
186
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:22,265
Jason...
- Present!
187
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:23,525
Good.
188
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:26,815
In front of you is a video game system
loaded with Madden football.
189
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,571
Are you kidding me?
I'm the best at Madden.
190
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:30,697
I call Jaguars!
191
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,446
As I was about to tell you
192
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:36,112
you can only play against the Jaguars...
193
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,164
No!
194
00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,873
using their archrivals, the Tennessee Titans.
- No!
195
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:41,228
If you play the game and you lose...
196
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,538
Oh! I'm gonna win.
197
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,253
Say no more, scary Judge lady.
198
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,254
Tell my friends
their souls are in good hands.
199
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,341
Oh, no! I fumbled the kickoff!
200
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,510
Titans suck!
201
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,473
"Tahani." It's such a pretty name.
202
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:58,468
My name is super boring
203
00:07:58,979 --> 00:07:59,979
Jen.
204
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,804
Which is short for "hydrogen"
205
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:04,936
which was the only thing that was
in existence at the time that I was born.
206
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:06,860
Anywho...
207
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,775
all you have to do is go through there
208
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,449
walk down the hallway,
and through the red door at the end.
209
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:17,245
That's it? That's my test?
- Yup!
210
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,407
Oh, also, everyone in every room
that you pass
211
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:22,739
is going to be discussing
what they truly think about you.
212
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:24,918
OK, have fun!
213
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,557
Oh, I see.
214
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:43,016
It's a test of my ability
to not care what people think of me.
215
00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:46,936
Oh, no!
216
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:50,357
So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted
them over 800 times.
217
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:53,300
And all of these reports of their "torture"
are completely fake?
218
00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,612
Yes. But, frankly, this is on you.
219
00:08:56,202 --> 00:09:00,162
A lot of those details I just took directly
from Stephen King novels
220
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,947
and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars."
221
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,787
Just tell me why.
Why would you do this?
222
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:05,167
It's not like I planned it!
223
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:09,125
I was just trying to prove that humans
could be made to torture each other.
224
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:12,338
Instead, they helped each other,
and got better.
225
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:16,341
They were bad people -
this is not supposed to be possible.
226
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,006
So, the only explanation is that somehow
227
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:23,011
there was a mistake made,
and these people belong in the Good Place.
228
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,554
No, they don't, idiot.
229
00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,723
Shawn, this is not fair.
- Pfft.
230
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:30,109
"Fair" is the stupidest word
humans ever invented.
231
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,482
Except for... "stay-cation."
- Ew.
232
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:35,155
Look, those four humans are good people
233
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,567
and they deserve a "stay-cation"
234
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,987
in the Good Place, and I bet the Judge
will feel the same way.
235
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,701
I doubt she even hears their case.
236
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:43,749
But if she does...
237
00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:46,145
one of them will screw it up,
they always do.
238
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:48,536
I'm sick of smelling
this guy's lumpy white ass.
239
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,171
Can we get rid of him already?
- Yep. It's time.
240
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,377
Follow me.
241
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:54,963
OK.
Eleanor and Chidi.
242
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:56,881
Looks like you guys are up.
243
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:57,888
At the same time?
244
00:09:57,890 --> 00:09:59,130
Yup!
245
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,065
Trippy, right?
246
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,322
There is no test. You guys are in!
247
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,108
We're... "in?"
What does that mean?
248
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,430
You guys have made great strides
and you've made it to the Good Place.
249
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,490
Congrats.
250
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,905
Take these medallions
251
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,102
and go right through that portal
and you're there in a jiff.
252
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,244
We made it.
- We made it.
253
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,253
Holy crap!
254
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,212
Whoo!
255
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,169
All those ethics lessons paid off.
256
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,958
Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
257
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:37,126
You! You did
258
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,090
many times,
as recently as this morning.
259
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,847
Whoo!
- But... but you also worked really hard
260
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,473
and you deserve this.
261
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:44,518
You really do.
262
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,230
Here's the thing though,
it's just the two of you.
263
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,517
Tahani and Jason didn't make it.
264
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,309
I'm giving them tests right now
to determine where they belong
265
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,476
within the Bad Place.
266
00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:57,192
So, you might want to reconsider
that "judge us together" thing
267
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,120
cos if you stick to that,
you're all going down.
268
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,241
Now, you can wait here
to say your goodbyes
269
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,323
or you can just take off now.
270
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:04,974
It's totally up to you guys.
271
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,333
I am so hungry. Why am I so hungry?
272
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,204
Oh my... I'm such an idiot.
I forgot to eat my burrito
273
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:16,215
and I was so hungry, too. What a dork.
274
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:21,966
OK, obviously this is the test, right?
275
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,008
I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani
the same offer
276
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,767
and whichever couple takes it actually loses
277
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,464
and the other two get in for real.
278
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,272
Oh, diabolical.
279
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:33,731
Hey, Judge
280
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,462
we figured out what you're really...
- Nope!
281
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,899
Tahani and Jason
have not been given the same offer.
282
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,438
Here, take a look.
283
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,358
Tahani's test is to walk down a hallway
284
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,447
and not get tempted
by her gossiping friends.
285
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,662
Jason is playing video games.
286
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,322
Oh. OK, cool.
287
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,792
Sorry, I... I feel weird saying this
to an almighty Judge
288
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,373
but you have hot sauce on your chin.
289
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:55,964
Thank you.
290
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:57,836
It's actually not hot sauce.
291
00:11:58,843 --> 00:11:59,843
It's "envy."
292
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,461
Or the concept of envy.
293
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,801
It's really good on Mexican food,
it gives it a little kick.
294
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:07,976
OK, so what do we do?
295
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,687
Oh, no. That was your "moral quandary"
grimace.
296
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:15,107
Which is different
from your "gas pain" grimace.
297
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,107
And different from your
"someone said 'from whence it came'"
298
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,691
"instead of 'whence it came'" grimace.
299
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,782
So, spit it out, man!
300
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,863
Well, if... if this isn't a test
301
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,279
then it's something way worse.
302
00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:29,830
What?
- A choice!
303
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:32,704
That we have to make.
- Yeah
304
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,039
you know, why can't one part
305
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,580
of the calculation
of our eternal fate be easy?
306
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:38,998
I don't know.
307
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,563
Quevenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking
308
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,099
in the same room, discussing me?
309
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,898
I guess they must have made up.
310
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,282
Focus...
311
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,403
There'll be Fergies a-plenty
in the Good Place.
312
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:19,208
I don't know
where we went wrong with Tahani.
313
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:21,624
I know.
She is such a disappointment
314
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:22,712
compared to her sister.
315
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:24,678
Hello, Father.
316
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:26,430
Hello, Mother.
317
00:13:26,432 --> 00:13:28,514
Oh! Hello, Tahani.
318
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:32,218
We were just talking about
how you're a huge disappointment
319
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,431
compared to your sister.
320
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,351
Have a seat.
We'd love to get your take.
321
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,442
How's it going in here?
- I'm losing by three.
322
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:42,485
Meditating to calm myself down.
323
00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:45,777
I'd be winning by like a million
if I could play as the Jags
324
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,862
instead of playing against the Jags
325
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:51,403
I hate scoring
against my own favourite team.
326
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,747
But you already knew that.
327
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,621
Because this is the test!
328
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,790
Yeah, that's not a revelation or something.
329
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,424
I explained that very clearly.
330
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,594
It's nice to see you, Tahani.
331
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:11,970
Apparently, wherever you've been,
they've been keeping you well-fed.
332
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:17,513
You know, I've actually risked quite a lot
to be in this room right now
333
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,024
so if you could just not be cruel
for maybe 30 seconds
334
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,027
that would be lovely.
335
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:25,021
Apologies. It's been a while
since we've seen you.
336
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:28,024
We have so much to tell you
about your sister!
337
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:31,194
We've just heard the most wonderful news
338
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:34,704
Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.
339
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:36,583
Really?
- Well...
340
00:14:36,585 --> 00:14:40,453
she dedicated it to her fans,
and you're one of her fans.
341
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:45,082
The whole point of this afterlife test
342
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,128
is that everyone in these rooms
is supposed to be talking about me
343
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:55,559
and yet even in this scenario,
you are still talking about Kamilah!
344
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,021
Which is exactly the point.
345
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,643
I was never going to be enough for you
346
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,474
never going to earn your respect.
347
00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:11,363
You know, I have done things
that you would never have approved of.
348
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:14,700
I died dressed as someone
in the service industry
349
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:19,159
I shagged a Floridian,
I even ate a Cheeto.
350
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:20,417
That's right.
351
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,078
I ate a lumpy witch's finger
352
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,748
made of neon orange corn foam.
353
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,712
Chewing it was deafening.
354
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,968
And it's the happiest I have ever been.
355
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,344
Don't get upset, dear.
356
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:33,305
You barely fit in that dress
357
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,683
and I'm afraid you're going to "Hulk out"
as it were.
358
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,727
OK.
359
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:42,898
I'm sorry we didn't have
a better relationship.
360
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,646
And I wish you the both the best.
361
00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:58,573
Alright, idiot. Any last words?
362
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,911
Just go ahead and retire me already.
363
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,186
Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael.
364
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:04,546
I'm not?
- No.
365
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:05,833
Retirement is a spectacle.
366
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,455
Everyone would see the flaming ladles
go down your throat
367
00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,362
everyone would hear your eternal
shrieks of agony
368
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,423
blah, blah, blah.
Then they'd ask me what you did.
369
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,387
I don't need
that kind of scrutiny right now.
370
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,299
So, I'm just going to throw you
in this unmarked room
371
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:18,467
for the rest of eternity.
372
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:23,181
And since it seems you love humans so much,
I'll torture you like one.
373
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,646
All you'll have for entertainment
is that giant stack
374
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:27,980
of New Yorker Magazines.
375
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:33,233
Oh, come on. You and I both know
I'll never read those.
376
00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,445
Of course you won't.
377
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:38,536
But they'll just keep coming.
378
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,211
Goodbye, Michael.
379
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,961
We will leave you with one
of Bad Janet's classic farts.
380
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,415
The smell will linger for ten million years.
381
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,256
Alright! Here comes the boom!
382
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:54,886
Oh, wait... actually
383
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:58,014
before I absolutely let it rip
384
00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,495
I just have one more thing I have to do.
385
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,519
What?
386
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,932
It's me! Good Janet!
- Janet?
387
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,315
I thought you were a marble.
- That was a trick!
388
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,564
I realised if we wanted our friends
to have any chance of survival
389
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:16,780
I had to learn how to do
a lot of bad things, really quickly.
390
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,068
So, I did!
391
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,432
Now I'm ready to go back
to being nice again.
392
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:21,742
Ugh! What happened?
393
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,418
OK, now I'll be nice again.
394
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,733
Could you please stop doing that?
395
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:32,708
It helps me think.
396
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,875
We've been through every argument
397
00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:41,555
contractualist, Kantian,
"what would Superman do?"
398
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,264
"What would Rihanna do?"
399
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,140
Are we missing anything?
400
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:49,399
Hit me, right now
with your most obscure, boring-est
401
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:53,357
old-white-dude-with-a-long-wizard-beard
mumbo-jumbo.
402
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:57,491
OK, our friends are going to the Bad Place.
403
00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:02,784
And us choosing to go with them
won't lessen their suffering.
404
00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:04,374
So...
405
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,534
morally
406
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:08,545
we're allowed to go.
407
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:11,254
But let's forget about the ethics
for a second.
408
00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:16,210
After everything that's happened,
don't we deserve to be together...
409
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,754
and happy, for once?
410
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,137
- Judge?
- Have you made your decision?
411
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:28,732
Yeah.
412
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,219
We're not going to the Good Place.
413
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,481
I mean, that was never actually an option
414
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,737
but for the sake of your test,
we're not going.
415
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:37,449
What do you mean?
416
00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:40,784
Well, I was 99% sure
that going was the wrong move
417
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:44,071
but since our whole relationship
has been me being sure of something
418
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,035
and Chidi explaining why I was wrong
419
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:48,621
I owed it to him to quadruple-check.
420
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:52,747
The capper came
when I realised, that ain't Chidi.
421
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,754
The Chidi I know wouldn't argue that
he should be rewarded
422
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:57,946
while his friends got punished
423
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,929
and he would never
"forget about ethics for a second."
424
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:04,516
I don't know who this joker is,
but it's not Chidi Anagonye.
425
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,960
Wait, but what about the...?
426
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,062
Well done, Eleanor.
427
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,335
You can take a seat and wait for the others.
428
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,773
And can I have that medallion back?
Cos it's actually a coaster, for my sodas.
429
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,820
Mm-hm.
430
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,605
Where is the real Chidi, though?
Is he OK?
431
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,315
He's still taking his test.
432
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,071
OK, this is ridiculous. Um...
433
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:27,874
I'm just gonna choose...
434
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:31,878
brown.
435
00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:35,847
Gray's the obvious choice,
which is probably why I shouldn't choose it.
436
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:38,208
Brown. Nope. Gray.
437
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,720
Nope. Brown. Brown hat.
438
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:48,184
Alright, fun stuff.
439
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:49,845
Yeah.
- Yeah?
440
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:50,814
Feeling good?
441
00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:51,976
Very. Yeah.
- I think so, yes.
442
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,066
Great.
443
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,267
You're all going to the Bad Place.
444
00:19:58,489 --> 00:19:59,775
OK, um...
445
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:04,034
if I was the one who failed,
could you at least tell me why I failed
446
00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:05,078
for my own edification?
447
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,825
I too would like to know if I failed.
448
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:11,367
I didn't fail, so go ahead,
tell them what you want.
449
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:13,869
Last second field goal, won by three.
450
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,505
Pretty dope.
451
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,840
Chidi.
452
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,750
It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.
453
00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,919
But did I at least choose the right one?
454
00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:23,963
There is no right one. They're hats.
455
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:25,223
Come on, man!
456
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,935
Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms
that I thought would entice you
457
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,264
but you weren't
supposed to open any doors
458
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,235
and you couldn't resist confronting
your parents.
459
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,982
Sorry, everyone.
460
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:38,686
But now that I failed
461
00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:41,859
can I go back in and talk
to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury?
462
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:42,907
No.
463
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,700
Jason, your test
was about impulse control
464
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,782
and you showed great improvements.
465
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:52,040
But you never asked
if you could opt not to play.
466
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,910
I mean, you basically told me
467
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,373
an all-knowing Judge,
to just shut up and go away.
468
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:02,259
Do you realise how insane that is?
469
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:06,630
Not as insane as picking off
the greatest quarterback of all time
470
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:09,550
Blake Bortles, to set-up
a last-second game-winning field goal.
471
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,480
Now, Eleanor's test
was about her selfishness
472
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:17,481
and she actually...
- I failed.
473
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:21,569
I shoved an old lady down the stairs
to get to the raw bar...
474
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,072
because I'm a shrimp fiend
475
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,073
so, we all failed, let's not dwell on it.
476
00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:30,412
Alright. Shall we?
477
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,541
Oh, I am gonna miss you guys.
478
00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,501
I made a little video of our time together.
479
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:44,589
♪ Did you e ver kno w
tha t you 're my hero? ♪
480
00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:45,637
Oh, look! There we are!
481
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:48,839
You know, I thought I'd have
a stomachache right now, but weirdly...
482
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,133
♪ And e verything I would like... ♪
483
00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:52,101
...I do.
484
00:21:52,103 --> 00:21:53,309
There's my guy.
485
00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,223
What?
- Doesn't matter.
486
00:21:55,606 --> 00:21:56,606
I'm gonna miss you, bud.
487
00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,316
Every time they pull my eyeballs out
through my mouth, I'll think of you.
488
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:03,863
I'm gonna frame that one.
489
00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:06,110
We gave it our best shot, guys.
490
00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:07,941
I say we go through the portal
491
00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:09,238
get a good night's sleep
492
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:11,202
come back fresh in the morning.
493
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:13,039
Try again.
494
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:14,374
Oh, Jason.
495
00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:18,043
I feel like you always understand
about 20% of what's happening.
496
00:22:18,796 --> 00:22:20,037
Thanks.
- Sure.
497
00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,500
♪ You are the wind... ♪
498
00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:22,881
I mean, look at us.
499
00:22:22,925 --> 00:22:23,842
♪...beneath my wings. ♪
500
00:22:23,844 --> 00:22:25,550
Ah, good times.
501
00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:27,544
Alright, off to eternal damnation!
502
00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:29,806
Do you hear something?
503
00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:33,518
Oh!
504
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:36,386
Hey, guys! How you been?
35348
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