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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:07,414 Aaaaaah! 2 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:18,551 That... was... awesome! 3 00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,013 I'm going again! - No! 4 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,688 I think I barfed in the nether-dimension before we landed. 5 00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:26,475 Is my barf just going to float out there forever? 6 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,963 Is someone gonna fly through my barf when they use the portal? 7 00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,353 Ugh, stop saying "barf." 8 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,441 And where's Michael? 9 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,157 He's not coming. 10 00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,696 He sacrificed himself to save me. 11 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:37,986 The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him. 12 00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:41,410 Was it a nice grab or a bad grab? 13 00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:42,708 A bad grab. 14 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,747 Like, a nice, bad grab, or a mean bad grab? 15 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,205 No Michael and no Janet. 16 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,315 Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye. 17 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,501 Not even a mere "toodle-loo." 18 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:56,511 We're on our own. 19 00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:58,802 We have to handle this ourselves. 20 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,181 Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge 21 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:04,772 so... 22 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,057 where's the Judge? 23 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,100 All I see is a burrito. 24 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,352 Do you think it's a test? 25 00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:14,154 Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it 26 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,737 or... or we eat it together, or... or... maybe... 27 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,868 maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it. 28 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,030 I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. 29 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,624 Unless... 30 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,245 the burrito is the Judge. 31 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:30,380 Don't be so bloody ridiculous. 32 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,461 Judges aren't food. Judges are serious people 33 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:35,422 who wear long silk nightgowns and big white powdered wigs. 34 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,470 Eh-eh... 35 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:37,722 he could be right. 36 00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:38,806 - What? - Really? 37 00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:39,808 I don't know. 38 00:01:39,810 --> 00:01:42,050 I'm just saying, we've certainly seen weirder things 39 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,434 than an all-knowing burrito. 40 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,345 We can't take any chances. 41 00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:49,767 Hello, Your Excellency. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. 42 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,400 We doth seek thine judgment. 43 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,609 We've traveled a long distance to see you, O great one... 44 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,546 What are you guys looking at? 45 00:01:58,160 --> 00:01:59,076 Hi. 46 00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:01,069 I'm the Judge. That's a burrito. 47 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:02,862 What's up, guys? 48 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,122 Yeah, I did not think I had a case today. 49 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,735 The paperwork should have shown up by now 50 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:16,422 unless, you guys just, like, came here? 51 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,587 Wait, did you guys just come here? 52 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,132 Oh, my God. 53 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:23,758 You guys are bad. 54 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,426 Which one is the worst one of you? 55 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,479 Is it you, glasses? 56 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,263 Oh, I bet it's you. 57 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:31,228 OK, yeah... well, we did just sort of "show up" 58 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,233 but we had to, we were escaping the Bad Place. 59 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,464 Mm-hm. - Which now that I think about it 60 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,605 there might be some demons following us. 61 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,570 Oh, don't worry about that. Any time anyone shows up in my chambers 62 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:41,826 the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling. 63 00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:43,281 So, you guys can relax. 64 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:44,330 Get comfortable. 65 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,787 A classic St Crispin's Day Garden Party Frock. 66 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,501 Wait - is it after 4PM? 67 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:51,962 Not important. 68 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,452 Let's have a look at your files. 69 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,027 Wait, you don't already know everything about us? 70 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,167 You're not omniscient? 71 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,381 Well, not in the way you mean. 72 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,463 I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind 73 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,008 so I can remain impartial, cos I'm a judge, yada-yada-yada. 74 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:08,686 That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. 75 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:11,097 I've been bingeing Ken Burns' "Vietnam" recently. 76 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,066 It's OK. 77 00:03:12,068 --> 00:03:13,399 I mean, I'm immortal 78 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,901 but that thing is loooong! 79 00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,107 You know what I'm saying? 80 00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:19,814 Anyway, your petition is denied, I can't hear your case. 81 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,158 Please exit to the rear. 82 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:23,536 What? 83 00:03:23,538 --> 00:03:26,029 I just absorbed the entirety of your existences 84 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:30,576 and I just want to say, you guys are so cute. 85 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,164 And the thing is 86 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,148 you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate 87 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,380 and the rules say I gotta... pbfft! 88 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,092 Send you back. 89 00:03:38,094 --> 00:03:39,094 Your honour. 90 00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:41,131 Please hear our case. 91 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:43,341 You frankly wouldn't believe what we have been through 92 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,597 just to be here today. 93 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:47,884 I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you 94 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:53,022 but keep talking, I am, like, obsessed with your accent. 95 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,065 We have made so much progress 96 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:58,228 and all we ask is an audience with you, to prove it. 97 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,899 Is that not your very purpose? To weigh in on matters such as ours? 98 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,317 To paraphrase a song written by my godfather - 99 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,119 "Hey Judge, don't make it bad." 100 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:10,156 "Take a sad group, and make us better." 101 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,376 Say "aluminum." 102 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,710 "Alu-minnium." 103 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,755 I love that! 104 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,630 And I love your passion. 105 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,462 I mean, it takes a lot of guts to just show up here unannounced. 106 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,718 Plus, I haven't had a case in, like, 30 years 107 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,800 and I'm super bored. 108 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:27,340 So, it's either this or start "Bloodline" 109 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:28,350 and I don't know 110 00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:31,344 I just don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else 111 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,557 but Coach Taylor. 112 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,231 Ssssso, the case? 113 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:37,610 Right! 114 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:40,488 Let's do it. 115 00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:46,401 You had one job. Torture four bad people forever. 116 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,490 Not only did you fail, you're a traitor. 117 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,326 You really junked your jeans on this one, you butterface. 118 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:52,615 I did what I had to do. 119 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,909 Oh, you ha d to junk your jeans? 120 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,496 How could you betray your own kind like this? 121 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,915 Who taught you how to turn a human inside out 122 00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,728 by reaching down their throat and grabbing their butt from the inside? 123 00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:06,254 You did. - You got that right, sister. 124 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,548 And this is how you repay me. 125 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,058 Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. 126 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,559 You never cared about me. 127 00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,687 In the words of one of my actual friends - 128 00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:16,023 "Ya basic!" 129 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,266 It's a human insult. 130 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,318 It's devastating. 131 00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,235 You're devastated right now. 132 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,315 The point is... 133 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,856 the four of them are in front of the Judge 134 00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:27,241 and the Good Janet has escaped too 135 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:28,285 you'll never find her. 136 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:29,986 Oh, you mean this... 137 00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:31,121 Good Janet? 138 00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,239 I found her in, like, two seconds. 139 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:36,284 She was wandering the halls being polite to people. 140 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,543 Like a chump. 141 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,332 So, I marble-ised her. 142 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,756 Keep her if you want. 143 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,451 Maybe shove it up your weiner for safekeeping. I don't know. 144 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,001 It's up to you. - Poor Janet. 145 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,295 She was a good friend. 146 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,347 Friend? 147 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,220 What kind of monster aren't you? 148 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,509 I'm going to give each of you a test 149 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,098 to see how much progress you've made 150 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,479 and if I deem you fit to be in the Good Place 151 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,231 then... zoop! 152 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:00,734 Up you go! 153 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:04,570 Well, actually, sort of... that way. Zurp! 154 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,446 Great. Can we be tested together as a group? 155 00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,741 Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi. 156 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,661 Oh! That's why your name is "Chidi." 157 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,322 I get it now. 158 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:17,283 I'm sorry, cuties. The tests have to be individual. 159 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,917 Well, can we be graded as a group then? 160 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:22,539 The only reason we've come this far is because we've helped each other. 161 00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:25,208 And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place 162 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,421 if we're not together. 163 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,711 So, if you all pass, you're in. 164 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,636 And if even one of you fails, you're all effed. 165 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,018 Right? 166 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,593 Terrible idea. 167 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,012 I mean, truly awful. 168 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,683 You are very lucky that I cannot send you to the Bad Idea Place 169 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,476 because that one is a stanker. 170 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,025 But whatever blows your dress up. I mean, am I right? 171 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,615 Hold on. 172 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:52,152 Guys, whatever these tests might be, we can hack it. 173 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,987 I mean, think about all the scary stuff we've seen. 174 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,532 All the times we were almost captured by demons. 175 00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:00,418 And worst of all, the time that Chidi told us 176 00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,102 when we finished a book, we'd get a treat 177 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,122 and the treat turned out to be another book. 178 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,540 Books can be treats. 179 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:06,944 I am not having this argument again. 180 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,709 Point is, we got this. 181 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,755 We are Team Cockroach. We can pass these tests. 182 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,013 I believe in us. 183 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,174 We'll start with Jason. 184 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,683 Oh, no. We're doomed. - Ugh! 185 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,970 Oh, sorry, I mean - good luck! 186 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:22,265 Jason... - Present! 187 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:23,525 Good. 188 00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:26,815 In front of you is a video game system loaded with Madden football. 189 00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,571 Are you kidding me? I'm the best at Madden. 190 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:30,697 I call Jaguars! 191 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,446 As I was about to tell you 192 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:36,112 you can only play against the Jaguars... 193 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,164 No! 194 00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,873 using their archrivals, the Tennessee Titans. - No! 195 00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:41,228 If you play the game and you lose... 196 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,538 Oh! I'm gonna win. 197 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,253 Say no more, scary Judge lady. 198 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,254 Tell my friends their souls are in good hands. 199 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,341 Oh, no! I fumbled the kickoff! 200 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,510 Titans suck! 201 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,473 "Tahani." It's such a pretty name. 202 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:58,468 My name is super boring 203 00:07:58,979 --> 00:07:59,979 Jen. 204 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,804 Which is short for "hydrogen" 205 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:04,936 which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. 206 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:06,860 Anywho... 207 00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,775 all you have to do is go through there 208 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,449 walk down the hallway, and through the red door at the end. 209 00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:17,245 That's it? That's my test? - Yup! 210 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,407 Oh, also, everyone in every room that you pass 211 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:22,739 is going to be discussing what they truly think about you. 212 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:24,918 OK, have fun! 213 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,557 Oh, I see. 214 00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:43,016 It's a test of my ability to not care what people think of me. 215 00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:46,936 Oh, no! 216 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:50,357 So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times. 217 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:53,300 And all of these reports of their "torture" are completely fake? 218 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,612 Yes. But, frankly, this is on you. 219 00:08:56,202 --> 00:09:00,162 A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels 220 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,947 and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars." 221 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,787 Just tell me why. Why would you do this? 222 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:05,167 It's not like I planned it! 223 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:09,125 I was just trying to prove that humans could be made to torture each other. 224 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:12,338 Instead, they helped each other, and got better. 225 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:16,341 They were bad people - this is not supposed to be possible. 226 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,006 So, the only explanation is that somehow 227 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:23,011 there was a mistake made, and these people belong in the Good Place. 228 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,554 No, they don't, idiot. 229 00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,723 Shawn, this is not fair. - Pfft. 230 00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:30,109 "Fair" is the stupidest word humans ever invented. 231 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,482 Except for... "stay-cation." - Ew. 232 00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:35,155 Look, those four humans are good people 233 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,567 and they deserve a "stay-cation" 234 00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,987 in the Good Place, and I bet the Judge will feel the same way. 235 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,701 I doubt she even hears their case. 236 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:43,749 But if she does... 237 00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:46,145 one of them will screw it up, they always do. 238 00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:48,536 I'm sick of smelling this guy's lumpy white ass. 239 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,171 Can we get rid of him already? - Yep. It's time. 240 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,377 Follow me. 241 00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:54,963 OK. Eleanor and Chidi. 242 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:56,881 Looks like you guys are up. 243 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:57,888 At the same time? 244 00:09:57,890 --> 00:09:59,130 Yup! 245 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,065 Trippy, right? 246 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,322 There is no test. You guys are in! 247 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,108 We're... "in?" What does that mean? 248 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,430 You guys have made great strides and you've made it to the Good Place. 249 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,490 Congrats. 250 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,905 Take these medallions 251 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,102 and go right through that portal and you're there in a jiff. 252 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,244 We made it. - We made it. 253 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,253 Holy crap! 254 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,212 Whoo! 255 00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,169 All those ethics lessons paid off. 256 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,958 Whoever said philosophy was stupid? 257 00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:37,126 You! You did 258 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,090 many times, as recently as this morning. 259 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,847 Whoo! - But... but you also worked really hard 260 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,473 and you deserve this. 261 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:44,518 You really do. 262 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,230 Here's the thing though, it's just the two of you. 263 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,517 Tahani and Jason didn't make it. 264 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,309 I'm giving them tests right now to determine where they belong 265 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,476 within the Bad Place. 266 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:57,192 So, you might want to reconsider that "judge us together" thing 267 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,120 cos if you stick to that, you're all going down. 268 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,241 Now, you can wait here to say your goodbyes 269 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,323 or you can just take off now. 270 00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:04,974 It's totally up to you guys. 271 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,333 I am so hungry. Why am I so hungry? 272 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,204 Oh my... I'm such an idiot. I forgot to eat my burrito 273 00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:16,215 and I was so hungry, too. What a dork. 274 00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:21,966 OK, obviously this is the test, right? 275 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,008 I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani the same offer 276 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,767 and whichever couple takes it actually loses 277 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,464 and the other two get in for real. 278 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,272 Oh, diabolical. 279 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:33,731 Hey, Judge 280 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,462 we figured out what you're really... - Nope! 281 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,899 Tahani and Jason have not been given the same offer. 282 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,438 Here, take a look. 283 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,358 Tahani's test is to walk down a hallway 284 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,447 and not get tempted by her gossiping friends. 285 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,662 Jason is playing video games. 286 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,322 Oh. OK, cool. 287 00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,792 Sorry, I... I feel weird saying this to an almighty Judge 288 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,373 but you have hot sauce on your chin. 289 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:55,964 Thank you. 290 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:57,836 It's actually not hot sauce. 291 00:11:58,843 --> 00:11:59,843 It's "envy." 292 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,461 Or the concept of envy. 293 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,801 It's really good on Mexican food, it gives it a little kick. 294 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:07,976 OK, so what do we do? 295 00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,687 Oh, no. That was your "moral quandary" grimace. 296 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:15,107 Which is different from your "gas pain" grimace. 297 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,107 And different from your "someone said 'from whence it came'" 298 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,691 "instead of 'whence it came'" grimace. 299 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,782 So, spit it out, man! 300 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,863 Well, if... if this isn't a test 301 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,279 then it's something way worse. 302 00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:29,830 What? - A choice! 303 00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:32,704 That we have to make. - Yeah 304 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,039 you know, why can't one part 305 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,580 of the calculation of our eternal fate be easy? 306 00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:38,998 I don't know. 307 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,563 Quevenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking 308 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,099 in the same room, discussing me? 309 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,898 I guess they must have made up. 310 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,282 Focus... 311 00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,403 There'll be Fergies a-plenty in the Good Place. 312 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:19,208 I don't know where we went wrong with Tahani. 313 00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:21,624 I know. She is such a disappointment 314 00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:22,712 compared to her sister. 315 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:24,678 Hello, Father. 316 00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:26,430 Hello, Mother. 317 00:13:26,432 --> 00:13:28,514 Oh! Hello, Tahani. 318 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:32,218 We were just talking about how you're a huge disappointment 319 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,431 compared to your sister. 320 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,351 Have a seat. We'd love to get your take. 321 00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,442 How's it going in here? - I'm losing by three. 322 00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:42,485 Meditating to calm myself down. 323 00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:45,777 I'd be winning by like a million if I could play as the Jags 324 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,862 instead of playing against the Jags 325 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:51,403 I hate scoring against my own favourite team. 326 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,747 But you already knew that. 327 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,621 Because this is the test! 328 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,790 Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. 329 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,424 I explained that very clearly. 330 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,594 It's nice to see you, Tahani. 331 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:11,970 Apparently, wherever you've been, they've been keeping you well-fed. 332 00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:17,513 You know, I've actually risked quite a lot to be in this room right now 333 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,024 so if you could just not be cruel for maybe 30 seconds 334 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,027 that would be lovely. 335 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:25,021 Apologies. It's been a while since we've seen you. 336 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:28,024 We have so much to tell you about your sister! 337 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:31,194 We've just heard the most wonderful news 338 00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:34,704 Kamilah dedicated her last album to you. 339 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:36,583 Really? - Well... 340 00:14:36,585 --> 00:14:40,453 she dedicated it to her fans, and you're one of her fans. 341 00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:45,082 The whole point of this afterlife test 342 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,128 is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me 343 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:55,559 and yet even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah! 344 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,021 Which is exactly the point. 345 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,643 I was never going to be enough for you 346 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,474 never going to earn your respect. 347 00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:11,363 You know, I have done things that you would never have approved of. 348 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:14,700 I died dressed as someone in the service industry 349 00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:19,159 I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. 350 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:20,417 That's right. 351 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,078 I ate a lumpy witch's finger 352 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,748 made of neon orange corn foam. 353 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,712 Chewing it was deafening. 354 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,968 And it's the happiest I have ever been. 355 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,344 Don't get upset, dear. 356 00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:33,305 You barely fit in that dress 357 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,683 and I'm afraid you're going to "Hulk out" as it were. 358 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,727 OK. 359 00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:42,898 I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship. 360 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,646 And I wish you the both the best. 361 00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:58,573 Alright, idiot. Any last words? 362 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,911 Just go ahead and retire me already. 363 00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,186 Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael. 364 00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:04,546 I'm not? - No. 365 00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:05,833 Retirement is a spectacle. 366 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,455 Everyone would see the flaming ladles go down your throat 367 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,362 everyone would hear your eternal shrieks of agony 368 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,423 blah, blah, blah. Then they'd ask me what you did. 369 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,387 I don't need that kind of scrutiny right now. 370 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,299 So, I'm just going to throw you in this unmarked room 371 00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:18,467 for the rest of eternity. 372 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:23,181 And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one. 373 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,646 All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack 374 00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:27,980 of New Yorker Magazines. 375 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:33,233 Oh, come on. You and I both know I'll never read those. 376 00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,445 Of course you won't. 377 00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:38,536 But they'll just keep coming. 378 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,211 Goodbye, Michael. 379 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,961 We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts. 380 00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,415 The smell will linger for ten million years. 381 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,256 Alright! Here comes the boom! 382 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:54,886 Oh, wait... actually 383 00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:58,014 before I absolutely let it rip 384 00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,495 I just have one more thing I have to do. 385 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,519 What? 386 00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,932 It's me! Good Janet! - Janet? 387 00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,315 I thought you were a marble. - That was a trick! 388 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,564 I realised if we wanted our friends to have any chance of survival 389 00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:16,780 I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things, really quickly. 390 00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,068 So, I did! 391 00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,432 Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again. 392 00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:21,742 Ugh! What happened? 393 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,418 OK, now I'll be nice again. 394 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,733 Could you please stop doing that? 395 00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:32,708 It helps me think. 396 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,875 We've been through every argument 397 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:41,555 contractualist, Kantian, "what would Superman do?" 398 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,264 "What would Rihanna do?" 399 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,140 Are we missing anything? 400 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:49,399 Hit me, right now with your most obscure, boring-est 401 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:53,357 old-white-dude-with-a-long-wizard-beard mumbo-jumbo. 402 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:57,491 OK, our friends are going to the Bad Place. 403 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:02,784 And us choosing to go with them won't lessen their suffering. 404 00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:04,374 So... 405 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,534 morally 406 00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:08,545 we're allowed to go. 407 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:11,254 But let's forget about the ethics for a second. 408 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:16,210 After everything that's happened, don't we deserve to be together... 409 00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,754 and happy, for once? 410 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,137 - Judge? - Have you made your decision? 411 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:28,732 Yeah. 412 00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,219 We're not going to the Good Place. 413 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,481 I mean, that was never actually an option 414 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,737 but for the sake of your test, we're not going. 415 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:37,449 What do you mean? 416 00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:40,784 Well, I was 99% sure that going was the wrong move 417 00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:44,071 but since our whole relationship has been me being sure of something 418 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,035 and Chidi explaining why I was wrong 419 00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:48,621 I owed it to him to quadruple-check. 420 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:52,747 The capper came when I realised, that ain't Chidi. 421 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,754 The Chidi I know wouldn't argue that he should be rewarded 422 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:57,946 while his friends got punished 423 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,929 and he would never "forget about ethics for a second." 424 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:04,516 I don't know who this joker is, but it's not Chidi Anagonye. 425 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,960 Wait, but what about the...? 426 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,062 Well done, Eleanor. 427 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,335 You can take a seat and wait for the others. 428 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,773 And can I have that medallion back? Cos it's actually a coaster, for my sodas. 429 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,820 Mm-hm. 430 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,605 Where is the real Chidi, though? Is he OK? 431 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,315 He's still taking his test. 432 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,071 OK, this is ridiculous. Um... 433 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:27,874 I'm just gonna choose... 434 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:31,878 brown. 435 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:35,847 Gray's the obvious choice, which is probably why I shouldn't choose it. 436 00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:38,208 Brown. Nope. Gray. 437 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,720 Nope. Brown. Brown hat. 438 00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:48,184 Alright, fun stuff. 439 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:49,845 Yeah. - Yeah? 440 00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:50,814 Feeling good? 441 00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:51,976 Very. Yeah. - I think so, yes. 442 00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,066 Great. 443 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,267 You're all going to the Bad Place. 444 00:19:58,489 --> 00:19:59,775 OK, um... 445 00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:04,034 if I was the one who failed, could you at least tell me why I failed 446 00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:05,078 for my own edification? 447 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,825 I too would like to know if I failed. 448 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:11,367 I didn't fail, so go ahead, tell them what you want. 449 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:13,869 Last second field goal, won by three. 450 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,505 Pretty dope. 451 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,840 Chidi. 452 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,750 It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat. 453 00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,919 But did I at least choose the right one? 454 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:23,963 There is no right one. They're hats. 455 00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:25,223 Come on, man! 456 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,935 Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms that I thought would entice you 457 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,264 but you weren't supposed to open any doors 458 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,235 and you couldn't resist confronting your parents. 459 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,982 Sorry, everyone. 460 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:38,686 But now that I failed 461 00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:41,859 can I go back in and talk to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury? 462 00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:42,907 No. 463 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,700 Jason, your test was about impulse control 464 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,782 and you showed great improvements. 465 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:52,040 But you never asked if you could opt not to play. 466 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,910 I mean, you basically told me 467 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,373 an all-knowing Judge, to just shut up and go away. 468 00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:02,259 Do you realise how insane that is? 469 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:06,630 Not as insane as picking off the greatest quarterback of all time 470 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:09,550 Blake Bortles, to set-up a last-second game-winning field goal. 471 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,480 Now, Eleanor's test was about her selfishness 472 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:17,481 and she actually... - I failed. 473 00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:21,569 I shoved an old lady down the stairs to get to the raw bar... 474 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,072 because I'm a shrimp fiend 475 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,073 so, we all failed, let's not dwell on it. 476 00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:30,412 Alright. Shall we? 477 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,541 Oh, I am gonna miss you guys. 478 00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,501 I made a little video of our time together. 479 00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:44,589 ♪ Did you e ver kno w tha t you 're my hero? ♪ 480 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:45,637 Oh, look! There we are! 481 00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:48,839 You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, but weirdly... 482 00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,133 ♪ And e verything I would like... ♪ 483 00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:52,101 ...I do. 484 00:21:52,103 --> 00:21:53,309 There's my guy. 485 00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,223 What? - Doesn't matter. 486 00:21:55,606 --> 00:21:56,606 I'm gonna miss you, bud. 487 00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,316 Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth, I'll think of you. 488 00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:03,863 I'm gonna frame that one. 489 00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:06,110 We gave it our best shot, guys. 490 00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:07,941 I say we go through the portal 491 00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:09,238 get a good night's sleep 492 00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:11,202 come back fresh in the morning. 493 00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:13,039 Try again. 494 00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:14,374 Oh, Jason. 495 00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:18,043 I feel like you always understand about 20% of what's happening. 496 00:22:18,796 --> 00:22:20,037 Thanks. - Sure. 497 00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,500 ♪ You are the wind... ♪ 498 00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:22,881 I mean, look at us. 499 00:22:22,925 --> 00:22:23,842 ♪...beneath my wings. ♪ 500 00:22:23,844 --> 00:22:25,550 Ah, good times. 501 00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:27,544 Alright, off to eternal damnation! 502 00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:29,806 Do you hear something? 503 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:33,518 Oh! 504 00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:36,386 Hey, guys! How you been? 35348

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