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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,084
Go back to the void, babe.
I'll be there in a minute.
2
00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:04,939
OK. I'll miss you like crazy.
- I'll miss you more.
3
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:05,963
No.
4
00:00:06,215 --> 00:00:08,548
I'll miss you more. Bye!
5
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:11,314
It's my first time making someone
so he might be a little bit "off."
6
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:15,806
Janet, you can't just go around
inventing people.
7
00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:17,223
Get rid of him immediately.
8
00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:18,424
No.
9
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,306
Eleanor told me to find a rebound guy.
10
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,308
I couldn't find one, so I made one.
11
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:24,855
He's helping me forget about Jason.
12
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:29,190
Ugh! "Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason."
13
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:31,896
"Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason."
14
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,750
Ugh! "Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason."
- Honey...
15
00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,275
"Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason."
- Babe.
16
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,249
"Jason. Jason. Ja..."
- Babe! Don't be jealous.
17
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,074
I love you now.
18
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,892
And we are going to spend
every second together.
19
00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:42,999
Aw...
- No! No, no, you are not.
20
00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:45,293
Janet, no one can know about...
21
00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,373
I'm so sorry, what's your name again?
22
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:48,464
Derek Hoffstetler.
23
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:52,213
If anybody finds out about him,
we are doomed.
24
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,510
He has to stay in your void.
25
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,804
It's our void now.
26
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,724
We moved in together.
- What! Can you believe it?
27
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:03,349
I got my own hanger for my jumpsuit.
- Already? I mean, that's... that's so fast!
28
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,145
Well, when you know, you know.
29
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,565
And we know literally everything.
30
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,734
We are so in sync,
we're finishing each other's...
31
00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:10,981
Derek!
- Ah!
32
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,455
Hey, guys!
- Oh!
33
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,034
Michael, you frightened me.
34
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:26,414
Jason's making me watch this horror film
about two ex-convicts
35
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,961
who try to rob and murder a neglected child.
36
00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:30,789
Get over here!
37
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,129
Hey, I got some great news.
38
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:37,303
I've arranged for you to have a weekend
getaway.
39
00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,909
I bet you're tired of being cooped up
in this house, aren't you?
40
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,094
I am a bit, actually.
41
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:44,973
All this time indoors has degraded my skin
from "radiant" to merely "dewy."
42
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,395
Me! Dewy!
43
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,895
Well, there's going to be plenty of sun
and fun at the private campsite
44
00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:52,005
that I set up for you
at the edge of the Neighbourhood.
45
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:55,818
Here you go. Ah, I told Vicky that I'll be
torturing you for the time being.
46
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:59,321
So just relax, live it up.
Out you go. Here. Now, sadly...
47
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:02,995
Janet is still offline, so you...
you can't call her, OK?
48
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:06,290
The best news is, none of this is suspicious.
49
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,747
I don't know what's going to happen to us.
50
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,669
But I need to tell you something...
51
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,044
I love you.
52
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,841
What are you watching?
- Um...
53
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:18,044
"Cannonball Run Two."
- Again?
54
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,551
You watch that movie a lot.
55
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,849
Well, it's basically my favourite movie
of all time.
56
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,018
But you can never watch it! This copy's mine.
57
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,096
Uh-oh, I guess I'm still pretty selfish.
58
00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:31,395
Help. I need another ethics lesson, quick!
59
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,818
Very weird energy
coming off of you right now.
60
00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:35,111
Hey, guys. What you doing?
61
00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:36,608
Nothing? Great.
62
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:39,111
So, Chidi, just want to double check.
63
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:42,694
How do ethical philosophers
feel about murder?
64
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,246
It's frowned upon.
65
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:48,200
OK, what if the reason
you want to murder someone
66
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,876
is to make your life easier?
That's OK, right?
67
00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:52,919
Is there a problem here, bud?
68
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,087
OK, I'll just tell you.
69
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,131
Um... no.
70
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,050
Too hard to explain. I'll show you.
71
00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:58,960
Janet.
72
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,412
- Hi there.
- Hey there!
73
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:01,758
Who the fork is that?
74
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:05,057
Derek Hoffstetler, PI.
- Derek is my rebound guy.
75
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:06,384
I made him.
76
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:10,643
Oh! Did you do that because, um...
of what I said?
77
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,644
Yes. Because of what you said.
- Janet...
78
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,253
Thank you, Eleanor.
- Thank you, Eleanor.
79
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,109
You know, you seem so sad.
80
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,028
Do you want me
to make you a boyfriend too?
81
00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:19,731
Ooh, I could have a brother.
- Yes!
82
00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:21,612
Based on your last 10,000 comments
83
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:24,198
it would be Stone Cold Steve Austin's head
on Tahani's body.
84
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,449
Or vice versa.
- She's not gonna make you anything.
85
00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:27,948
Janet, that'll be all.
86
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,998
OK. Goodbye. Say goodbye, Derek.
87
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:33,544
Ah! "Goodbob."
I hope we "same place" again very now.
88
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,588
His brain is wrong.
- Ah-ha!
89
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,676
Well, I definitely understand everything,
so...
90
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:43,425
No need to explain.
91
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,432
Mm!
- Mm!
92
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,726
Now, the goal is to tap the ball hard enough
93
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:51,833
that it goes through the wicket,
but not so hard that it goes too far through.
94
00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:56,727
It combines both classic aspects
of British sport - whimsy and restraint.
95
00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:01,155
Oh! So restrained.
96
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,654
You know, I believe it was Prime Minister
Neville Chamberlain
97
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:06,578
who called croquet, "barely a game!"
98
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:10,657
It's kinda fun, I guess.
But can I teach you a different game?
99
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:13,372
In this one,
you just whack it as hard as you can
100
00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:15,328
in whatever direction you want!
101
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,084
Jaguars rule!
102
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,340
The Jaguars are very good!
103
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,714
Ooh!
- Whoa, nice!
104
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:29,643
Mm!
105
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,730
Fore!
- Well done.
106
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,557
OK, here's where I am on this.
107
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,108
We gotta kill Derek.
108
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:41,980
No, think about it.
What if Vicky calls for Janet
109
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:43,905
and Derek shows up too?
110
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,137
She's gotta have a lot of questions
that we can't answer.
111
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:49,825
But Derek does seem
to be helping Janet get over Jason.
112
00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:52,077
Right? No earthquakes since he showed up.
113
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:55,911
If we get rid of Derek, then maybe Janet
will start glitching again.
114
00:04:56,004 --> 00:05:00,089
OK, if we can't kill Derek,
then we gotta break up Jason and Tahani.
115
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:03,589
If that relationship ends
then Janet won't feel sad anymore
116
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,465
and maybe she'll get rid of Derek herself.
117
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:09,174
Girl, you are a messy bench
who loves drama and I am into it.
118
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,726
I'm sorry, Michael.
But that's also ethically kind of dicey.
119
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,020
Here comes the egghead.
120
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,062
Well, look, Jason and Tahani
are happy together
121
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,313
and telling them that he was once married
to Janet might cause them harm.
122
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:22,566
It's not permissible to...
to ruin their happiness to save ourselves.
123
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:26,696
Wait, but isn't keeping a secret
from someone basically like lying though?
124
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,095
No, no, it's OK to keep a secret.
125
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,076
As long as that secret isn't harming anyone.
126
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,496
And telling them that secret
might cause harm.
127
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,164
Noice!
- Cool.
128
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:35,458
Good point, egghead.
129
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:37,752
I'll tell you what else
would cause them harm.
130
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,706
Getting caught and being sent
to the real Bad Place
131
00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:45,089
to be tortured for eternity,
which will happen if Derek blows our cover.
132
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:49,548
I know! But we'll also be sent
to the real Bad Place if we do bad things.
133
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:53,510
I know it's tempting to take a shortcut,
but moral strength is defined
134
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:56,220
by how we behave in times of stress.
135
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:59,148
Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?
136
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,315
Everyone.
137
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,147
Constantly.
138
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,407
I hereby pronounce you... King Jason!
139
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:10,614
Dope.
140
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,412
Where did you learn how to do this?
141
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,831
The Hertfordshire Academy
for Expressionless Girls.
142
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:18,330
It was a finishing school I attended
before Oxford.
143
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,377
And then of course the Sorbonne.
144
00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:24,026
You know, I don't think I've ever asked you
where you were educated.
145
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:27,714
I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School
in Northeast Jacksonville
146
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,547
which was really just a bunch
of tugboats tied together.
147
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,131
Didn't you get seasick?
148
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:35,013
No, sorry.
They were tied together in a junkyard.
149
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,554
It wasn't a very good school.
150
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:41,145
For most of my classes,
we just sold dirty magazines door to door.
151
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:46,070
You know, Jason. Every single detail
about your life is deeply disturbing.
152
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,988
And yet, I envy you. Where I...
153
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,986
I was never allowed to goof off.
154
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:54,321
I never even had a friend
I could just be myself around.
155
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,121
Maybe I can be that friend.
156
00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:59,792
Or your husband!
157
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,210
OK, stop it.
158
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:02,832
No, no, no, I'm serious.
159
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,630
Will you marry me?
160
00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:09,961
I say we just let sleeping dogs lie.
161
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:13,719
Tell Janet that Derek can stay,
but she's gotta keep him under wraps
162
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,674
so that none of the other demons find out.
163
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:19,854
Fine. As long as they fly under the radar,
and Janet stays happy
164
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,147
I think we'll be safe.
- Great.
165
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,585
- Janet!
- Because the truth is...
166
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:23,794
You always do this!
- ...you don't respect me!
167
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,130
You make a federal case out of everything!
- ...and you never have
168
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,924
because to you I'll always be
"that guy you made!"
169
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,133
Guys, guys, guys! What's going on?
170
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,365
OK, can we not do this
in front of my friends?
171
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,408
Oh, so they're your friends now?
172
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,612
I'm stating a fact. They are your friends.
173
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,573
I don't know these people. I am out of here.
174
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,205
Oh, great, Derek.
- I'm gonna go back to our void
175
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,911
and I'm gonna try
and forget this ever happened.
176
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,122
It is not your void.
- Oh!
177
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:47,707
It is my void.
- Wow.
178
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:51,545
I know it's a boundless, barren nothingness,
but you are always there.
179
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,129
Fine, I'll go somewhere else.
180
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,306
Fine!
- No, not fine, don't go somewhere else!
181
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,759
OK. Yeah.
182
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,973
We're forked here, aren't we?
183
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:02,767
Look, Jason.
184
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,895
You're lovely and I've honestly
had a wonderful time with you
185
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,022
these past few weeks.
186
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,229
But why on Earth would I marry you?
187
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:12,065
Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.
188
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,698
Decent point.
189
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:19,907
Also, we like each other.
And I promise to always be nice to you.
190
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:22,459
OK.
191
00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:24,289
I'll marry you.
192
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,916
But I need some time
to plan a proper reception.
193
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,109
I mean, where will everyone sit?
194
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,735
Will it Michael and Janet
opposite Chidi and Eleanor
195
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,320
or Michael and Eleanor
opposite Janet and Chidi?
196
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,210
Let's just have it today. At the beach!
197
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,824
The beach is where all the best stuff happens
198
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:38,637
like, uh... swimsuit issues,
and "Saving Private Ryan"
199
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,640
and "Jersey Shore" and crabs!
200
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:44,188
OK. Oh, I hope Janet's back online.
- Mm.
201
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:46,482
- Janet?
- Hi there.
202
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:51,066
Is everything alright, Janet?
- Yeah. Mm-hm. Everything's fine.
203
00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:52,363
It's OK. Yeah, I'm fine.
204
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:55,032
So, it's all fine.
205
00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:56,700
How can I help you?
206
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,097
Where? There he is!
207
00:08:58,121 --> 00:08:59,306
- Derek. How are you?
- Derek!
208
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,787
Nice to meet you.
- Derek!
209
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,081
Derek, get down from there!
210
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,910
I am not coming down
because I'm meant to come here.
211
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,744
- I came here on purpose...
- Shh.
212
00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:09,251
...cos this tree is my new house.
This is Derek's house
213
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:12,253
and Janet's not allowed in,
because I booby-trapped it.
214
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:13,254
- OK, OK!
- Hi.
215
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,420
Janet! Oh, my God, you're here! Thank, God!
216
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:18,256
Derek, I am not talking to you right now.
217
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:19,349
I'm here to announce
218
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:24,680
that Jason Mendoza and Tahani Al-Jamil
are getting married this evening.
219
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:29,271
"The ceremony will be private,
but we think it would be totally dope"
220
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:33,479
"if you biz-natches came
and got turnt up with us afterward."
221
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,342
I think I can guess who wrote the invitation.
222
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,636
How come you never get
this upset at anything I do, Janet?
223
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,617
Do not start with me right now, Derek?
224
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,570
Oh, I will start it.
- No, no, no, don't!
225
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:45,032
Oh! Do not avoid me by going to the void.
226
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,492
No, no, no!
227
00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,957
What a little bench!
- Argh!
228
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:51,084
Things are falling apart here.
229
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:56,340
Chidi, I understand the ethics involved,
but we need to stop that wedding!
230
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,842
We break up Jason and Tahani.
231
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,551
Janet stops being sad. Derek goes away.
232
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,556
Fine, but...
233
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,458
...there's something
called the Doctrine of Double Effect.
234
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,543
In order to remain ethical,
you can't just go into this
235
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,024
with the intention of killing Derek.
236
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,945
Your only goal has to be
to spare Jason and Tahani
237
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,943
from future pain by filling them in
on Jason's past.
238
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,240
No, I gotcha. I gotcha.
239
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:22,411
So, it's like ethically we should tell Jason
that he used to be married to Janet
240
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:26,286
and it sure would be terrible
if that ultimately led to Derek's death.
241
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,912
Wink.
- No, the winking is bad.
242
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,460
You should not be winking
or saying the word, "wink."
243
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,789
OK. We really need to kill...
244
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:37,255
We really need to kill any suspicion
that I wanna murder Derek.
245
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,548
Boom!
246
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,719
Wink!
247
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,388
You shouldn't be winking either.
248
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:42,724
Guys!
249
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,968
Tahani, you're so smart.
250
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:50,727
Every day you teach me something new
about art, and history, and...
251
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,400
and why I shouldn't eat
everything that smells good...
252
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,853
because sometimes, it's candles.
253
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:59,236
You're basically like a hot genius teacher
254
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:02,363
who sometimes has sex with me, your student.
255
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:06,538
That used to happen a lot
at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School.
256
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,104
But this time, you won't be arrested.
257
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:11,376
Oh, I love you, Tahani.
258
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:15,039
Brap! Brap! Brap! Pew! Pew!
259
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:21,254
Jason. I never guessed
we'd be where we are today.
260
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,590
Me, a prominent British philanthropist
with award-winning legs
261
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:28,018
set to marry you,
a swamp-dweller who once asked me
262
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:31,768
if the presidents on Mount Rushmore
have butts on the other side.
263
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,518
We don't make any sense together.
264
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:38,776
And yet, when I'm with,
you I can really let my hair down -
265
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:42,324
metaphorically speaking, of course, since
I'd never have it up in the first place.
266
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,902
I'm not a factory worker.
267
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:49,581
But you've helped me to see
that there is more to life than just...
268
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:53,786
appearances. And I can't believe
I'm about to say this, but...
269
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,421
- I think I love...
- Wait!
270
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:57,918
Stop the ceremony!
271
00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:01,006
This wedding cannot happen.
272
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,087
This is not helpful,
but I have always wanted
273
00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:05,514
to be a part of a wedding
that was stopped dramatically.
274
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,466
We can't get married? Why not?
275
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,677
Because... because...
276
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,471
Hang on a second. I can't do it.
277
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,397
Professor Buzzkill got in my head.
278
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,898
I'm just thinking about all the rules
I have to follow to stay ethical.
279
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,274
Someone else is gonna have to do this,
I... I... No.
280
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,358
Alright, alright, alright.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
281
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:26,865
Uh, I think you mean "Bad News Bear."
282
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:32,825
Before all the reboots,
Jason was married to Janet, OK?
283
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:36,333
That's why Janet's been glitching,
because she's sad cos she misses Jason.
284
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:39,415
In fact, she was so sad she... Well...
285
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:43,085
- Derek?
- Well, well, well.
286
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:44,840
Jason Mendoza.
287
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,967
At last we meet.
288
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:48,970
You've got a lot of nerve, buddy.
289
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:50,517
No, no, I'm Eleanor, man.
- What?
290
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,349
Everybody, this is Derek.
291
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,897
Janet made Derek as a boyfriend
292
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,941
to try and rebound from Jason.
293
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,603
Oh, I feel quite lightheaded.
294
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:05,862
Janet, fetch my dizzy couch, please.
295
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,535
Uh, Jason, Tahani.
296
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,578
You guys stay there, OK?
297
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:13,032
The rest of you, come with me, right now!
298
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,287
So, it's true.
299
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,869
I'm just some sort of consolation prize.
- Derek!
300
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:20,331
Save the drama for your mama
and technically, I am your mama
301
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,508
and I don't want it!
- Ugh!
302
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:24,877
Decision time.
303
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,679
Any second now, someone's gonna
realise we're all missing.
304
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,506
Why don't you just reboot all of us?
305
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,967
Tahani and Jason
will forget they were ever in love.
306
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:34,394
It was a fluky thing,
it probably won't happen again.
307
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,142
And Chidi and I can forget, uh...
308
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:38,474
Anything we want to forget.
309
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:43,188
You know just like, uh... personal bloopers
that were embarrassing or, uh...
310
00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:45,364
Days where we were very gassy, etc.
311
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,066
And then we'll meet back in your office.
312
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,948
You bring us up to speed
and we go from there.
313
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:52,200
No, no, no. We're not starting over.
314
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,531
We've come too far.
315
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,334
Our only options are
to reboot either Janet, or Derek.
316
00:13:57,420 --> 00:14:00,333
Neither one is permissible
as your primary intention.
317
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:03,211
I mean, the Doctrine of Double Effect,
remember?
318
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:07,887
Well, man, I'm working with the "Doctrine
of Not Being Completely Effed." OK?
319
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:11,465
I say we just reboot both of them
and see what shakes out.
320
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:12,517
OK.
321
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:18,730
No, no, Michael, Michael,
please, please, I have a son.
322
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:21,149
He's also my boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend-son.
323
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:23,397
Please, Michael, no. I was just born today.
324
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,400
I'm a baby.
- I birthed him. I'm a mummy.
325
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:26,947
Don't kill a baby, Michael.
- Argh!
326
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,365
Would you kill a baby?
327
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:29,845
I can't stand this. I just hate this!
328
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,829
I don't understand
what you even like about Jason.
329
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:33,737
What does he have that I don't have?
330
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:34,867
A soul.
331
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,415
And genitals.
- Ugh!
332
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:39,460
Here we go, with this whole "no genitals"
thing again.
333
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,145
You're the one that gave me
wind chimes instead of a penis, Janet!
334
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,548
This isn't about your wind-chime penis.
335
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,250
In fact, it's not about you at all.
336
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:50,008
I don't even know what it is about,
which is very confusing
337
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:52,966
because the whole point of me
is that I know everything!
338
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,893
Janet, can I speak
to you alone for a second?
339
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:59,805
OK, look. When you said
you were sad about Jason...
340
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,767
and I suggested, "Hey, find a rebound guy."
341
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,352
It's cos I thought
it was some sort of schoolgirl crush
342
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,813
like just some guy
you made out with a couple of times
343
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,615
in the walk-in freezer
of a Bruegger's Bagels.
344
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:12,237
Not based on a real example.
345
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,866
Yes, it is. His name was Marcus Bicksburger.
346
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:16,868
Marcus? I always called him Ben.
347
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,917
Look, I gave you bad advice...
- Uh-huh.
348
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,961
OK? Jason was clearly important to you...
- Yeah.
349
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:25,539
...and real heartbreak
doesn't have a simple cure.
350
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,169
Mm-mm.
351
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,968
I mean, you will feel better
after some time goes by.
352
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,512
I don't really experience
the passage of time.
353
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,756
I do use it as lotion, occasionally, but...
354
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:38,094
I mean, weird, but keep doing it
cos your skin looks amazing.
355
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:39,644
Thank you. Not skin.
356
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:42,393
The point is, to get through a real
heartbreak
357
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:45,521
you kind of just have to sit
with your feelings, and mull it over
358
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,102
and power through.
359
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:51,152
And you have to talk about it. Ugh!
360
00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:53,655
Talking about your feelings is the worst.
361
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:56,077
It's so much easier
just to find a rebound guy
362
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,484
and have sex about your feelings.
363
00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,577
I don't know if I want to talk to Jason
right now.
364
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,624
That's cool. Until then...
365
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,666
if you ever need a friend to talk to,
just know I'm here.
366
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,632
That's really kind of you, Eleanor.
Thank you.
367
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:12,336
And in case you were wondering,
Marcus is still at that Bruegger's Bagels
368
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:16,891
and he's the manager now!
- Good for Ben.
369
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,512
Marcus.
- Marcus.
370
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,725
Derek, there's no easy way to say this.
371
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,931
I never should have made you.
- Hm.
372
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:25,812
I think it's time for you to go away.
373
00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:28,565
I understand because you understand.
374
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:33,695
Janet, this relationship has been
the best seven hours of my whole life.
375
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,901
It's been the only seven hours
of my whole life.
376
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,281
It's been my whole life.
377
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,807
I made you this morning, we all remember.
378
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,447
OK, you ready to do this?
- Yep.
379
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:47,504
Janet? What are you doing?
380
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,877
I imbued Derek with some of my thoughts,
and emotions.
381
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,647
This is the only way I can re-absorb them.
382
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,085
It'll just be a minute.
383
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:57,135
Dang it! That is some hot re-absorbing.
384
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,217
Can you get pregnant from re-absorbing?
385
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:03,683
Uh-oh. I hear wind chimes.
Look away! Everybody, look away!
386
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:05,981
I'm gonna keep watching,
but you guys look away!
387
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,234
Goodbye, Derek.
388
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:13,655
From the moment I made you,
everyone wanted to kill you.
389
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,032
And then I did.
390
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,825
Goodbye, mummy-girlfriend.
391
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:20,620
- Bye, everybody!
- Derek's going away now.
392
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,040
Does he seem a little bit, uh...
393
00:17:24,085 --> 00:17:25,166
still alive?
394
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:27,040
Well, he's about as dead as he can be.
395
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,337
Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.
396
00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:30,959
Derek.
397
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,111
Are you worried
you might start glitching again?
398
00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:36,549
No. I think I'll be OK now that I understand
what I'm going through.
399
00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:39,177
And now that I know
I can talk to my friends about it.
400
00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:41,888
OK, I'm gonna toss this steamer trunk
401
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,413
containing the lifeless husk
of my ex-boyfriend
402
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:46,555
into a remote corner of my limitless void!
Bye, guys!
403
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,265
Derek!
404
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,565
I'm kinda glad we didn't get married today.
405
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,277
Me too.
Perhaps we were rushing things a bit.
406
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,447
I mean we don't even know
that much about each other.
407
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,903
Like, who was the first person you kissed?
408
00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,286
The sexy mouse robot
in the Chuck E Cheese band.
409
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,207
Yeah, it was...
- OK, OK.
410
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,355
I think that's probably enough
"getting to know each other" for now.
411
00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:09,620
We'll just take things slow.
412
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:13,043
I know I'm technically married to Janet.
413
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,672
But I don't remember it at all.
414
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,964
I'm sorry that it puts you
in a weird position.
415
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:21,889
And I still like you a lot.
416
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:24,930
Me too.
417
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:27,979
What happens now?
418
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,983
Don't know. Do you want to try...
419
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:34,687
re-absorbing me?
420
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,955
Something wrong?
- No.
421
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:51,579
Yep. I've been keeping a secret from you,
about you.
422
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:52,753
What is it?
423
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,958
The thing is, it's not even harming you,
and... and... and if I tell you
424
00:18:56,052 --> 00:18:57,759
I feel like it... it might harm you.
425
00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,632
So, uh, ethically speaking
426
00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:00,907
I don't think I have to tell you.
427
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,297
Yeah, well... forget all that.
428
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:04,974
Um, this is freaking me out.
I'm losing my mind. So just tell me.
429
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:11,189
And you don 't need to respond cos
I know you have trouble saying how you feel.
430
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:12,391
I love you too.
431
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,731
Wow, OK.
432
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,442
You just... said it.
433
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:26,114
And I just said it, so effortlessly.
434
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,119
I've never been that certain about anything.
435
00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:31,623
I once even tried to rent socks.
436
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:35,210
How did I say that, that easily?
437
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,667
I mean, I get how you said it.
438
00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:39,922
I'm a total smoke-show.
439
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,546
But how did I say it so easily?
440
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:48,018
Look, I don't want to talk about this,
but after everything that's happened today
441
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:51,848
I think we gotta.
So, let's just get it all out there.
442
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:52,977
Um...
443
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,892
Well, yeah, I guess, do you...
444
00:19:55,986 --> 00:20:00,321
I don't know, do you have any feelings
like that for me again now?
445
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,531
I'm... I'm sorry, but I don't think I do.
446
00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:08,618
S... "sorry"? Why are you sorry?
447
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:12,122
Cos I'm relieved, because I don't either.
448
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,918
So, all good.
449
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:16,621
I mean, I, I... I feel incredibly close
to you...
450
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,819
No, no, no! Dude, dude, you don't...
- ...in many ways.
451
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:22,507
...need to explain yourself.
We are on the same page. OK. Good.
452
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,838
Hey, guys. Sorry, I, uh...
453
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:25,968
I know it's late.
454
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,137
Can I talk to Eleanor for a second?
455
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,621
Actually, we're chatting
about something right now.
456
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,765
No, it's cool. We were wrapping it up.
Good talk, bro.
457
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,516
What's on your mind?
458
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:38,101
Uh... well.
459
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:41,233
Being ethical... it's hard.
460
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,689
And I kind of hate it.
461
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:45,992
When's it get easier?
- Why are you asking me?
462
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,364
Why don't you ask Chidi?
463
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:50,914
He's the ethics master. I'm just a newbie
and I still kinda suck at it.
464
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,333
Yeah. That's why I'm asking you.
465
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:56,378
I designed this entire torture chamber
466
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,957
around the absolute certainty
that when the going got tough
467
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:03,134
you would give up.
That was the signature Shellstrop move!
468
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:06,258
Do you remember once
when your "change oil" light came on?
469
00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:09,011
You just abandoned your car
in a parking garage.
470
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,888
Of course.
- But here...
471
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:15,097
faced with the toughest challenges
I could throw at you...
472
00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:19,231
you never once stopped trying to become
a better person, and I just...
473
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:21,853
Why?
474
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:23,654
I... I don't know.
475
00:21:23,741 --> 00:21:26,654
I mean, whenever
I would do something crappy on Earth
476
00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:30,237
there would be a little tiny voice
in the back of my head, that would say
477
00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:34,871
"Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives
from the salad bar."
478
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,104
You know, "You didn't pay for that."
479
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:39,621
Or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits
onto the floor of the grocery store."
480
00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:40,580
"That's not cool."
481
00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:45,135
Or "Eleanor, that old man just
slipped on your olive pit and he fell down."
482
00:21:45,221 --> 00:21:48,408
"Don't use the fact that everyone's
distracted to go back and steal more olives."
483
00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:50,048
I get it.
- The thing is...
484
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,976
I still did those things.
485
00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:54,849
I just ignored the voice.
486
00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:58,106
This ethics stuff - it's hard.
487
00:21:58,192 --> 00:22:01,606
And it's confusing. It is such a buzzkill.
488
00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:05,488
But it does get rid of the little voice.
489
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:08,032
Because at least
I'm trying to do the right thing
490
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:09,700
instead of the crappy thing, and...
491
00:22:09,787 --> 00:22:12,951
I gotta say, man,
I don't miss the little voice.
492
00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:15,160
Well...
493
00:22:16,627 --> 00:22:18,084
Thank you for helping me today.
494
00:22:21,090 --> 00:22:26,051
Wow. You, uh... you really
did just come here to chat, didn't you?
495
00:22:26,136 --> 00:22:28,799
Just shootin' the shirt
with your old pal, Eleanor.
496
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:30,221
I guess so, yeah, why?
497
00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:32,890
It's just a very human-y thing to do.
498
00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:35,514
Stick with the programme, demon buddy.
499
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:38,768
I really feel like things are starting
to click in our little study group.
500
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:41,892
Mm.
501
00:22:44,655 --> 00:22:47,489
Hello, Michael. Shut the door.
502
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:48,616
Have a seat.
37880
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