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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,474 Hello. - Oh! 2 00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,518 S... sorry. 3 00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:24,974 To activate your Janet, press nose for three seconds. 4 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,349 OK, OK. 5 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,400 Um, can you walk yet? 6 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,363 Here. 7 00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:33,449 Oh. 8 00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:35,236 Hello, I'm Janet. - Shh. 9 00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,402 Hello. - Shh. 10 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,073 Hello, I'm Janet. - I really need you to shut up. 11 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,003 Where did you get this? 12 00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,014 Did you actually get into the Good Place somehow? 13 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,798 Didn't need to. They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension 14 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,427 beneath the shapeless time void. 15 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,509 It's right next to Accounting. 16 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,767 And you just walked in and stole her? It was that easy? 17 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:07,439 You didn't have to choke out an angel or anything? 18 00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,062 Doors were unlocked, no security. 19 00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:10,296 I mean, it makes sense, right? 20 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,734 They're good, so they're stupid and trusting. 21 00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:16,302 I understand that you need the four humans to think they're in the Good Place 22 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:19,160 but using an actual Good Place Janet seems risky. 23 00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:22,114 Why don't you just have a Bad Place Janet pretend to be good? 24 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,073 I thought of that, but... watch. 25 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,743 Bad Janet? - What up, skidmarks? 26 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:30,547 Let's try that thing again where you pretend to be a Good Janet. 27 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:31,549 OK? 28 00:01:31,551 --> 00:01:33,507 Now, really... really try your best. 29 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,130 Fine. - Say, Janet. 30 00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,963 Where can I get some delicious ice-cream? 31 00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:41,720 Oh, there's a wonderful parlour in the middle of town square. 32 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,598 My favourite flavour is rocky road. 33 00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:49,558 It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows, and your... 34 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:54,066 dad's salty nuts, you fat dink! 35 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,615 I see what you mean. Use the Good one. 36 00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:09,119 Janet, you and I are about to have a real adventure together. 37 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,880 Wait a second, Janet. What are you telling me? 38 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,174 Are you saying that because you're glitching out... 39 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,593 The Neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. 40 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:18,795 Fun fact - 41 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:22,636 mathematically, it's equally likely to either im-or-explode. 42 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,641 OK, OK. 43 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:29,681 So I suppose the next question should be, "What's causing the problem?" 44 00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:33,519 Unclear. The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate. 45 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:36,605 And then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking. 46 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:40,783 And then you looked at me, annoyed, like that, and now here we are. 47 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,735 OK. Alright. 48 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:46,619 Yeah, this is very bad. Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet. 49 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:47,915 You got it! 50 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:54,168 A little short on time here, Janet. - It's just a little hard to get out. 51 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,749 Almost got it. 52 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,464 Here it is. 53 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:01,803 My user manual. 54 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,599 OK. Let's get started. 55 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,566 "Hello, and welcome to your new Janet." 56 00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:17,771 "Janets are brought to you by the makers of light, darkness, and everything." 57 00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,605 I need to skip ahead here. 58 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,817 Where's the, uh, troubleshooting part? 59 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,196 Michael. - Hmm? 60 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,402 What's with the earthquake? 61 00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:27,159 Janet's experiencing a slight technical issue. 62 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,410 Ew. What's wrong with it? 63 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,868 Oh, um, uh... - I tried to eat some frozen yogurt. 64 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,295 It looked so good, but I'm not supposed to eat anything. 65 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,872 So there was a little earthquake. 66 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:42,136 See? There it is again. - Can't you just reset these things? 67 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,760 What do you do again? Oh, it's the ears, yeah? 68 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:47,137 It's... it's, uh... It's down, down, out... 69 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,765 Vicky, can I... can I speak to you just for a second outside? 70 00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:53,144 Look, this is a common problem, and I've got it under control. 71 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,474 I don't know, man. 72 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:57,857 First you went rogue at the party with your sports car and your weird earring... 73 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,938 And now Janet's breaking down? I mean... 74 00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:05,072 it's like you're begging me to tell Shawn that you're incompetent. 75 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,528 Begging. 76 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:09,113 Vicky, this is a temporary problem. I promise. 77 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,824 Hey, you know who could use some torturing right now? 78 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,202 Chidi. - Oh! 79 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:15,912 I love torturing Chidi. - I know. 80 00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,373 No, actually, I had this great idea the other night. 81 00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,550 Thought it was worth exploring. Picture this. 82 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:22,760 Needles. 83 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,138 Oh, that's the whole idea. 84 00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,556 Yeah, yeah. - Needles. 85 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:28,803 Genius, right? - Yeah. 86 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:29,852 I mean, needles! 87 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:32,512 Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. So smart. - Yeah. 88 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,765 Needles. Yeah, run with that. 89 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,526 OK, hopefully bought us a little time. 90 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,478 Where were we? Uh... 91 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,154 Oh, here we go, yeah. Glitches! 92 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,404 "In the event of malfunction, run the following tests." 93 00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:48,157 "First test, Basic Corporeal Function." 94 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,407 Hop up on the table there. 95 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,255 Alright, great. 96 00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:03,502 Ninety-nine-point-seven trillion degrees. 97 00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,628 A little bit on the high side, but no biggie. 98 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,213 And... 99 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,093 still no blood! 100 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,767 Oh, thank goodness. OK, what's next? 101 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:13,515 "Summoning and Retrieval." 102 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:18,225 "Have Janet produce an object, using the random object generator programme." 103 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,435 OK... 104 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,276 A 14-ounce ostrich steak 105 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:29,782 impaled on a giant novelty pencil that says "Lordy Lordy, I'm Over 40." 106 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:30,952 Here you go. 107 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,449 "Lordy, Lordy, I'm over 40." Perfect. 108 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,417 OK, third test. 109 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,166 "Informational Accuracy." 110 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,168 "Glitches may be a sign that..." 111 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,709 You didn't finish your sentence. 112 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:48,676 "Glitches may be a sign that your Janet is..." 113 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:55,353 "processing or disseminating information that is incompatible with objective truth." 114 00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:58,223 They're talking about lying, Janet. 115 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,939 This is all my fault. 116 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,858 I told you a lie that first day we met. 117 00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,740 OK. 118 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,246 Here goes nothing. 119 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:23,714 Hello, I'm Janet, and I have now been fully activated! 120 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:28,010 Hello, Janet. I'm Michael, a Good Place architect. 121 00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:32,011 One of the best. Top-notch. You're in luck, here. 122 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,557 Happy to meet you, Michael. 123 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,135 I will help you make the perfect Neighbourhood. 124 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,436 Would you like to get started? 125 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:39,434 Uh, one small note there, Janet. 126 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,937 Uh, the Neighbourhood that I want to build 127 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:46,192 might be a little different from the ones that you might be familiar with. 128 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,405 Is that alright? 129 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:49,698 Of course, silly billy! 130 00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:51,264 I build and operate the Neighbourhood 131 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:54,947 but every aspect of the design is entirely up to you! 132 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:59,080 For example, if you'd like me to stop calling you "silly billy," just say so! 133 00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,752 Yeah, I don't like that at all. Michael's fine. 134 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,124 Sounds good, Michael. 135 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,001 I will keep this Neighbourhood functioning 136 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:08,425 and I will make no judgments on its rules or residents. 137 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,049 And although I don't technically report to you... 138 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:15,804 I will do everything I can to make your Neighbourhood neighbour-good! 139 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,389 I lied to you. 140 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,731 I lied about who I was and... 141 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,104 what we were doing. 142 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:32,067 And then I lied a billion more times to support that first lie. 143 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,073 And now you're all discombobulated. 144 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,995 It's... it's my fault. 145 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,698 Nope. You're wrong. 146 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,250 If the glitching was only a result of you lying to me 147 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,373 why wouldn't I have been glitching all along? 148 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,170 Why would it only be starting now? 149 00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,669 Well, uh... that's a good point. 150 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,170 I know, right! 151 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,131 May... - Excuse us, Michael 152 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,491 but we've been trying to call Janet and she isn't answering. 153 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,847 Hi, guys, I'm broken. 154 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:58,222 Uh, yeah, I had to take her offline for a system check. 155 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,177 - She'll be available real soon. - Cool. 156 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,604 Because I'm just so freakin' excited because Tahani said 157 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,273 she's never had jalapeño poppers 158 00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,021 and I wanted to get some for her. 159 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,477 They sound so disgusting. 160 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,938 But if Jason likes them, then maybe I will too. 161 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,822 Because we are together. I can finally admit that. 162 00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:18,575 Aw, babe, you admitted it! That's sweet. 163 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,702 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You two are sleeping together? 164 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:22,408 Only when we're done having sex. 165 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:25,036 Anyways, Janet, can you help us? 166 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,087 As soon as Michael puts me back online 167 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:31,008 I'd be more than happy to help you get that extra-special gift for Tahani! 168 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,175 Whoa... 169 00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,304 What's happening? 170 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,720 Oh, boy. 171 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,176 What the... 172 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:42,970 Oh, man. 173 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,726 We got robbed! 174 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:48,054 They took the walls, they took the floor, and we were standing here the whole time! 175 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,902 These guys are good. 176 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,781 Michael! What do we do? 177 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,867 OK, there we go! Nothing to worry about. 178 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:03,165 Happens, sometimes. Perfectly normal. Let's go. 179 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,583 Is Janet going to be alright? 180 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:07,582 Totally fine. Please just go back to your house and wait for her there. 181 00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,255 She'll show up shortly with lots of jalapeño poppers. 182 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,422 And cheesy fries? - Mm-hm. 183 00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:12,545 With donkey sauce? - Sure. 184 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,547 And a cool hat? 185 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,172 OK, we'll leave. Hope you feel better, Janet! 186 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:19,725 OK... 187 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,888 So, I don't seem to be getting better. 188 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:27,189 That glitch appears to have been limited to this building, so Vicky won't know. 189 00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,311 That's the good news. 190 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:32,236 The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. 191 00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:33,762 So, it's sort of a "glass half-full" 192 00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,236 "glass-stops-existing-in-time-and-space" kinda deal. 193 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,238 OK, let's walk through what just happened. 194 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,489 Jason and Tahani came in. 195 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:44,324 Revealed the crazy fact that they're now in a relationship. 196 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,660 I already knew that and I am so happy for them. 197 00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,999 Blah! 198 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,211 Ahhhh... 199 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,262 Janet, tell me a lie. 200 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,638 Janets can't lie. 201 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,139 You lied to Vicky earlier. 202 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,438 Interesting... I guess I did. 203 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:12,151 I suppose after 802 reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie. 204 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,980 That's fun! I want to try to lie again. 205 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,655 I love your outfit. 206 00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:32,038 "Incompatible with objective truth." 207 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:37,093 Janet, the problem isn't me lying to you, but rather you lying to other people. 208 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:41,297 Like when you said to Jason, "I'd be happy to help you and Tahani" 209 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,757 that was a lie. 210 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,843 No, it wasn't. I'm always happy to help people. 211 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,097 That's my main purpose. 212 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,099 I know, I know, but it was still a lie 213 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,625 even though you didn't intend it to be 214 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,936 because you weren't actually happy to help them. 215 00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,811 Because you're in love with Jason. 216 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,112 Say what now? 217 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,611 After the very first time you were rebooted 218 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,819 and as you were slowly regaining your knowledge 219 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,199 you bonded with Jason. 220 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,282 The two of you got "married" 221 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:11,836 and I think somehow, you're still, deep down, in love with him. 222 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,538 Ha! No. That is impossible. 223 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:18,342 Think logically - when was the first glitch? 224 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,428 When I said I was happy to give Jason and Tahani couples' therapy. 225 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,055 And the second glitch? 226 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,941 When I said I was happy to see them embracing. 227 00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,763 And the third glitch, the earthquake? 228 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,687 When I said I was happy that I had helped improve their relationship. 229 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:33,265 Ohhhhhhh, nuts! 230 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,476 Yeah... - But I am happy for them. 231 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:36,981 I am. I am. 232 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,903 Am I? I am. I am not. 233 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,235 I am not! I am not that. I am not happy for them. 234 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:47,121 But how is this possible? I don't have any memory of being married to Jason. 235 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:51,326 You said yourself that Janets get more sophisticated every time they're rebooted. 236 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:56,130 Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason was some sort of mutation 237 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,004 that then was amplified with each reboot. 238 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,506 OK, that makes total sense. 239 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,178 I know what you have to do now. 240 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,223 Kill me! 241 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,761 Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner. 242 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,205 But in this case, it may be inappropriate. So, I'll try again. 243 00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,521 You have to kill me, Michael. 244 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,732 Better? - Janet, I can't reboot you. 245 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,435 That will just intensify your feelings for Jason 246 00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,816 and that's what got us into this mess in the first place. 247 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:25,447 I'm not saying reboot me. I'm saying, set me to "self-destruct." 248 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:32,871 "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose" 249 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,829 "and insert paper clip into small hole behind left ear." 250 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:36,958 Yeah, right here. 251 00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,415 "Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself." 252 00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:43,173 "When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space" 253 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,755 "through an inter-dimensional suction tube" 254 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,049 "or eaten as a midday snack." 255 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,635 I'm very high in potassium - like a banana! 256 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:54,062 "A new Janet will need to be procured" 257 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:57,266 "in order to return the Neighbourhood to functionality." 258 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:02,025 Easy, I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet, and everything will go back to normal! 259 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,823 Well, not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble floating through space 260 00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,650 but you'll be back to normal! 261 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,950 Are you sure this is what you want - to self-destruct? 262 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,313 What I really want is to stay and serve the Neighbourhood. 263 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:20,377 But due to my feelings for Jason, I'm putting him and everyone else at risk. 264 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,958 So, looks like it's, whoosh... 265 00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,884 A dios, Janito! 266 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,088 Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt. 267 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:30,345 Um, but you didn't give me a heads-up about this new Vicky torture. 268 00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:33,928 Uh, the one with the the needles in my face? 269 00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,480 - Little busy here, bud. - Yeah, totally, totally. 270 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:42,437 I don't want to be a nudge, but is there anything else coming down the pike 271 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:45,068 that you forgot to mention? - I honestly don't know. 272 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:48,993 But I have bigger fish to fry, so, you know, just, just walk it off. 273 00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:53,994 Well, I would love to walk it off, but my feet have needles in them! 274 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,824 I don't know what to tell ya. 275 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,501 OK, but... - OK, self-destruct time. 276 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,329 Hey, how about this? 277 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,591 What if we just reboot Jason? 278 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:07,260 I mean, how long could it take him to relearn the five things he knows, am I right? 279 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:11,011 How dare you! You're talking about the man I was just informed that I love! 280 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,682 Right. Sorry. 281 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:15,512 Marble-ise me, Michael. It's the only choice. 282 00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:17,471 I won't feel any pain or anything. 283 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,730 Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill... 284 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:25,608 I really don't want to do this, Janet. But I suppose it makes sense. 285 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,697 Great! Grab a paper clip. 286 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:41,916 OK, that was the last pudding shop. 287 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,123 Great, should I begin to welcome the residents? 288 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,418 No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! This is all wrong. 289 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:51,722 Pudding restaurant? What even is that? Pudding won't work. 290 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,549 It's OK, Michael. Just relax. - Ah... 291 00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:58,138 I can't, Janet! My design has to be perfect for me to, to... 292 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:03,442 In order to accomplish what I need to accomplish. Oh... 293 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:08,523 Whoa, I'm way out on a limb here. 294 00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:11,654 And I'm all alone. - No, you're not. You have me... 295 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,736 Oh! - ...Janet. I can help you. 296 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:18,040 It's too hard to explain, but there are certain aspects of my plan that... 297 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,913 that you just can't understand. 298 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,211 Try me. 299 00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,703 Yeah. 300 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,876 Alright, fine, fine. Uh, Janet, uh... 301 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:32,339 What's a food that people think they enjoy, but that's also kind of a bummer? 302 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,175 Frozen yoghurt. - Oh! Oh, yes! 303 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,351 Frozen yogurt! 304 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,599 Oh, Janet! You're a genius. 305 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:42,557 Correct. I know literally everything. 306 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,837 But why do you want a food...? - No, no, don't don't worry about that. 307 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:49,647 Oh, yeah, OK, let's make all these restaurants frozen yogurt. 308 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,447 Okie-dokie. 309 00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,324 Would you like to try it? - Oh, yeah. 310 00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,667 It's just... OK. 311 00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:05,129 Which means... it's perfect. 312 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,671 Let's bring in the residents. 313 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:09,340 I don't know what just happened, but I'm happy you're happy! 314 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:13,716 Michael? 315 00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:18,425 Hm? Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yes, sorry. 316 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:25,357 Oh... I can't do it. 317 00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:28,607 Come on, dude. - It's dangerous, is what it is. 318 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,905 Vicky could find out, and then the... you know, the... plan, the whole plan... 319 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,280 It's bad for the plan, Janet. That, that's the reason. 320 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:39,830 I don't understand. Given the situation, it's far safer to initiate the self-destruct. 321 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:41,291 Hmm. 322 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,495 OK, look, see, here, here... here's the reason. 323 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:51,209 See, I promised the four humans that we would escape to the Good Place once and for all 324 00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:55,296 and without you, we stand zero chance of ever making it there. 325 00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:56,992 The new Janet will be able to help you with that. 326 00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,384 Well, alright, but it's not only that though, see, it's also because of, um... 327 00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,936 Well, what if Vicky found out? 328 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,388 You already asked me that. 329 00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:07,211 Why are you making such a big deal about turning me into a marble forever? 330 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,773 Because of reasons. There are reasons! 331 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,980 They exist and I just don't want to explain them right now. 332 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,190 What are the reasons? 333 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,946 There are reasons, Janet! - OK, but what are they? 334 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,823 The reason is friends! 335 00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:29,000 You're my friend, Janet. That, that's why I can't kill you. 336 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:33,921 We have been through so much together. I mean, yeah, sure, for you... 337 00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:37,129 You know, each time I rebooted you, you, you "met" me all over again. 338 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:41,843 But for me, our... our relationship has become important. 339 00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,103 You're my oldest, my truest... 340 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,482 my most loyal friend. 341 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,355 I can't just get rid of you and... 342 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:54,438 replace you with some other Janet I don't even know. 343 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,158 Well, well, well... 344 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,289 Yeah, don't, don't do that, just lay off. 345 00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:09,665 Michael! 346 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,623 That was so nice of you. 347 00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:14,917 I'm glad you said that. 348 00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,628 Well... I mean it. 349 00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,802 Look at us - a couple of old pals. 350 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:24,176 Trying to make our way in this crazy world... 351 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:25,645 that I built. 352 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,474 Two peas in a pod. 353 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,603 One of whom needs to kill the other one, immediately. 354 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,524 No. No, there has to be another way. 355 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,574 This problem you're facing, it's about emotion, right? 356 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,116 That's a human problem. 357 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:44,037 So maybe we should consult our most problematic human. 358 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:47,790 So, let me get this straight. 359 00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,665 You want me to convince Michael to turn you into a marble. 360 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,417 Because you're causing earthquakes 361 00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:54,418 because you're sad about Jason 362 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:58,127 to whom you were once married, because he's currently sleeping with Tahani. 363 00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,506 Correct. - I don't think 364 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:02,367 I've ever meant this literally, but that might be too much information. 365 00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:05,805 First of all, I totally get the Jason thing. 366 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:09,684 I mean, he's a ding-dong, but also a straight hottie, so up top. 367 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:11,640 But more important... 368 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:15,068 what you're going through is something every person has gone through. 369 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,271 Not a person. - Actually, right now... 370 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:21,450 you kind of are, because you just found out your ex is dating someone else. 371 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:26,200 And yeah, it sucks, but trust me, it's not worth all this drama. 372 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:28,703 You just need to get drunk and go dancing. 373 00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:31,331 You'll forget all about Jason. Can you get drunk? 374 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:34,538 Not really. Although, if I stand next to a powerful array of magnets 375 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,168 I do get pretty loopy. 376 00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,420 Do that. Pop a couple magnets. 377 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,548 Listen to some "No Doubt", dye your hair. 378 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,800 You'll be totally fine in, like, two seconds. 379 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:48,306 I mean, honestly, the best move is to get another dude, and just go to town. 380 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:51,639 Rebound guy! But I guess, here, your options are pretty limited. 381 00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,894 What about Michael? - Extraordinarily bad idea. 382 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,520 Yeah. Right. Forget it. 383 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,853 But... you don't need to worry. 384 00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,233 You're awesome. 385 00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,360 You contain all the knowledge in the universe. 386 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:05,114 You have a rippin' bod, and you can literally do anything! 387 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:07,203 This is just a blip. 388 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,665 So, was it helpful? 389 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:14,586 Yes, Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should "go get it, girl!" 390 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,334 So, I'm going to go get it, girl! 391 00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:17,505 Get what? - Unclear. 392 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:19,027 I'll get everything, just to be safe. 393 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,713 And I should be able to avoid glitches 394 00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,216 by watching what I say around Jason and Tahani. 395 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:27,094 Ah! Thank you for your help. I'm so glad we're friends. 396 00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,265 Me too. 397 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,060 And since we're friends, I can tell you this honestly. 398 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,730 Take that outfit out of rotation. It makes you look bottom-heavy. 399 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,853 It does, doesn't it? 400 00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:39,228 If it's OK with you, I'm going to go to my void for a little while. 401 00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,739 I just need to spend some time alone and focus on myself. 402 00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:45,408 Take all the time you need. 403 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,328 - Hi there. - Hello! 404 00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:51,289 Janet, who's that man? 405 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,958 This is my new rebound boyfriend, Derek. I made him. 406 00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,161 Hi, I'm Derek. 407 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,291 You must be Mich... 408 00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:58,917 Ohhh. 409 00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:01,170 OK, that makes more sense. 410 00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:05,008 You must be Michael. Janet's made a lot of talk-talk into my ear holes about you. 411 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,885 "Michael, Michael, Michael, Klichael, Klichael, Klichael." 412 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,841 Can I get a hug? - No. 413 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,222 High-five? - Well... 414 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,897 Janet, you can't make a person. 415 00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,519 I know. But I did though. 416 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,755 Eleanor said that to forget about Jason... - Oh. Hello. 417 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,579 ...I should create a rebound guy. - I'm Derek. 418 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,946 So, I made one. Derek! - Hi. 419 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,232 I'm her boyfriend and she made me. - He's so nice. 420 00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:27,989 Whoa! Look at this glass. 421 00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:29,078 Oh, my God. 422 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:31,155 I'm in there too? 423 00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:32,910 What's going on right now? 424 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,959 It's my first time making someone, so he might be a little bit "off." 425 00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:37,939 Look, this could be... Don't. Please, put that down. 426 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,545 This could be very dangerous. 427 00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:41,498 It... it shouldn't even be possible. 428 00:21:41,592 --> 00:21:43,049 Well, maybe not 800 reboots ago. 429 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,797 But apparently, now it is. 430 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,089 Can you believe this? 431 00:21:49,183 --> 00:21:51,345 Derek... is it "Derek"? - It's Derek. 432 00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:54,269 Derek, could you please give me and Janet a moment alone? 433 00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:55,999 Go back to the void, babe. I'll be there in a minute. 434 00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,184 OK, I'll miss you like crazy. 435 00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,857 I'll miss you more. - No, I'll miss you more. 436 00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:02,402 I love you so much. - I love you so much, babe! Come here! 437 00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,466 I will. - Good, because I have something to give you. 438 00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:06,948 Oh, yeah? I have something to give you. - What? What is it? 439 00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,846 Come here and I'll show you. - OK, if I come over there, you'll show me? 440 00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:11,827 I promise. - I'm going over. 441 00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:15,624 One, two, three, four, five, six steps and here I am. 442 00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:17,627 It was a kiss. 443 00:22:17,629 --> 00:22:19,244 That's a kiss? - Mm-hm. 444 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,670 Loved it. - OK, bye. 445 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,292 Bye! 446 00:22:22,383 --> 00:22:23,965 What a dork, am I right? 33563

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