Original subtitles

This is an exciting day.

We are going to tackle one of the most famous ethical dilemmas

The Trolley Problem.

Is this a game? I go first! I call blue!

There's no... No, this is...

No.

This is a thought experiment first introduced by British philosopher Philippa Foot

in 1967.

You are driving a trolley when the brakes fail.

And on the track ahead of you are five workmen that you will run over.

Now, you can steer to another track

but on that track is one person you would kill

instead of the five. What do you do?

Do we know anything about the people?

Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend

or that snooty girl from Rite Aid

who was always silently judging my purchases?

It's like, "Yeah, chicky! A Baby Ruth and birth control."

"I see the irony. Keep a-swiping!"

You don't know any of the workers.

OK, well then, that's easy.

I switch tracks, kill one person instead of five.

But this is hard, cos the only trolley I've ever been on

is James Franco's ironic trolley

it travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.

Um... kill one, save five.

I kill the one guy, but me and the five other guys

we get together every year, no matter how busy we are

and we pour one out for our flat homie.

Good!

We'd all switch tracks.

But there's a lot of other versions of this.

Like, what if you knew one of the people?

Does that change the equation?

Or what if you're not the driver, you're just a bystander?

Or let's throw the trolley out altogether.

Let's say you're a doctor, and you can save five patients.

But you have to kill one healthy person

and use his organs to do it.

But that's not the same thing.

But why not?

It's still choosing to kill one person to save five, isn't it?

Michael.

You've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?

Well, obviously the dilemma is clear.

How do you kill all six people?

So, I would dangle a sharp blade out the window

to slice the neck of the guy on the other track

as we smoosh our five main guys.

Oh...

I did the thing again, didn't I?

Yep. Ten more, buddy.

People. Good. People... Gah.

Why is that so hard to remember?

People...

what is it?

Good. - Good.

Cool. Later, guys.

Oh, hey, twerps. We have an hour before we have to pretend to be tortured by Vicky.

You wanna hang out? We could work on our forced grins?

Check mine out.

"Oh, this place is miserable! Etcetera!"

That sounds fun. - Right?

But I was going to dive into next week's reading, I'm afraid, sorry.

Jason, do you, um... care to join?

Sure, dog.

You're doing extra-credit work?

What can I say? This class is more fun than I thought.

Eleanor seemed a little suspicious earlier...

snooping around.

You didn't tell her about us, did you?

No.

Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?

Precisely because you refer to love-making as "pounding it out."

Who cares about what other people might think about us being together?

Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.

But then that person would know we were together.

Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know

we're together.

But then that person would know and I don't want anyone to know.

I know.

I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is

that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.

How's it going, Teach?

Mm, kitchen looks nice and crazy.

I've been wracking my brain, trying to find a way to get through to Michael.

What do you think about writing a rap musical about Kierkegaard?

I think that's a terrible idea.

Cool.

Michael's not going to learn how to be a good person overnight.

He's not even a person. He's just a...

bunch of evil shoved up the butt of an evil mannequin.

You know, teaching him to be good, it's like...

teaching me how to be not hot.

How would you even do it?

You'd have me hunch or something, and stand there and say

"Gurp."

"Gurp."

"Gurp."

I don't even know. I can't even picture it

because I've been hot my whole life. - I'm sorry...

who is this conversation for again? - It's for you.

I believe in you, nerd-boy.

If you can teach me and Jason ethics, you can teach anybody.

Thanks.

But definitely a "no" on the rap musical?

I mean, if you really...

♪ My name is Kierkegaard and my writing is impeccable ♪

♪ Check out my Teleological suspension of the ethical! ♪

No. - No!

Right?

Nah, felt like a "no" when I was doing it.

Janet?

Hi there.

If I were to tell you something personal about myself

you couldn't tell anyone about it, right? - Right.

So in a way, you're sort of like a therapist?

Absolutely not.

A therapist is a trained medical professional with the ability to absorb and process

complex ideas about human emotion.

I am simply a vessel containing all of the knowledge in the universe.

Close enough.

Jason and I are sleeping together. - OK.

Obviously, no one can ever know. I mean, I wouldn't shag Jason

if he were the last man on Earth.

But, well he sort of is and I am. Shagging him, I mean.

And I think I'm losing my mind. So please help me.

Well, my job is to make your experience here in the afterlife more enjoyable

so I will try to help you.

I am going to need some time to read every book ever written

about human psychotherapy.

And now I've done that, so let's begin.

Have a seat.

Hi. I'm your therapist, Janet.

I just want to have a little chat about your progress.

In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics

of "Les Miserables," in which a man steals a loaf of bread

to feed his starving family.

Would you... please read your first paragraph, here?

"Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place."

"The thief is bad, the officer chasing him is bad"

"all the whiny prostitutes are bad"

"plus they're all French so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."

Do you see how you're already off-topic?

Chidi, I... I've been around a long time.

Like, all of it.

But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread

it's a negative seventeen points.

Twenty if it's a baguette, because that makes you more French.

OK, sure

but philosophy is about questioning things that you take for granted

and I just don't think that you're doing that.

I mean, "I personally know that Victor Hugo is in the Bad Place"

"being tortured."

"He's a real wuss, too. If one of the lava monsters even gets near the guy"

"he's like, 'Sacré bleu, I peed in m'pants.'"

I don't know what you want from me. That... that's exactly what he said.

Jason's a nice person, but...

my suitors were always of a certain echelon.

I used what I called the "Duke Rule"

because "Duke" is both minimum acceptable University and rank of nobility.

You've never dated anyone like Jason before.

I mean, I've dallied below my station.

I once had a brief fling with a non-famous Hemsworth brother.

But even Larry Hemsworth had more status than Jason.

Jason didn't even have a job. - Mm.

In a sad way, not in the good, rich way.

Hi, guys. What are you doing?

Sitting in a room?

That's pretty cool.

I took your suggestion, and I'm talking to Janet about our relationship.

Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.

Oh, no, no. That'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side.

He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice

in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good.

Now, where were we?

I just heard that.

OK, fine. I'll leave.

I just don't feel like you're engaging with the material.

- Oh, come on. - Like with the trolley problem.

That was just tricky, that's all.

Why don't you just tell me the right answer?

Well, that's what's so great about the trolley problem

is that there is no right answer.

This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.

I'm on your side here, dude.

But he is not wrong.

OK. Michael, trust me.

When it comes to human ethics, I just know more than you.

I've been studying it my whole life.

It's just that it's so theoretical, you know?

I mean, you know, maybe there's a more concrete approach.

Here. Let's... let's try this.

Oh, God!

Michael, what did you do?

I made the trolley problem real

so we could see how the ethics would actually play out.

There are five workers on this track, and one over there.

Here are the levers to switch the tracks.

Make a choice!

The thing is... I mean, ethically speaking...

No time, dude! Make a decision! - Well, it's tricky.

I mean on the one hand, if you ascribe to a purely Utilitarian worldview...

OK. So...

What'd we learn?

Chidi?

Talk it out, buddy.

What are we thinking?

He thinks he just killed a bunch of people with a trolley.

It's just a simulation.

I would never make you kill real people.

Oh, well, that's reassuring.

Because some of the parts of the fake people flew into my mouth!

Michael, can we just go back to the classroom?

We never left.

Here, I'll show you.

Ah...

Yeah.

OK...

Look, see, buddy?

- None of this was real. - Well...

Uh... I... I mean, their pain is real.

It's like they're fake people, but their deaths are real.

Does that make sense?

There have to be stakes or it's just another thought experiment.

This is awful.

You specifically asked me if there was a way I could connect with the material more.

I'm trying, you guys.

Sorry.

You're right.

I want to help you understand this. - Thank you, Chidi.

So. Let's try again, mm?

Oh, um... I... I thought maybe we would have a discussion.

No, the whole point is to play out the scenario in real time.

Quick, Chidi! What's your decision?

OK, OK, I can do this.

I am choosing to switch tracks, so that way I only kill one person.

Oh, forgot to tell you...

this is the scenario where you actually know one of the people.

It's your friend Henry, there.

Chidi! How are you, mate?

Henry! Move!

Aw! Nice trolley!

- Move out of the way! - I can't, Chidi.

My boots are stuck in the tracks. - Henry, move!

- Anyway, long time no... - Get outta there!

Oh, my God!

Again, just the simulation.

An almost impossibly life-like simulation.

Would someone's foot really fly off their body like that?

That was kinda cool.

Ethically speaking.

Tahani's confusing.

Mm. - She's really smart.

And she's all soft and smooth like a bunch of water balloons

but I tell her she's pretty a hundred times a day

and she's never said I'm pretty once.

She always wants me to be different from how I am.

But I'm not different. I'm same!

And how does that make you feel?

I just feel like Tahani's embarrassed that I'm not some sort of scientist

who forecloses on banks.

I need another session with Janet.

It's my turn. I have a lot of problems too, you know.

Perhaps we could kill two birds with one Janet, as it were.

How would you feel about giving Jason and me "couples therapy?"

I'd feel great.

Janet? What's happening?

Unclear.

My guess is I'm operating in a way I'm not designed for

and it's creating a small glitch.

But if I'm helping you guys, I say

"What has one thumb and wants to keep going?"

"This not-lady."

Eh?

Eh?

OK, so that was Trolley Problem version number seven.

Chidi opted to run over five William Shakespeares

instead of one Santa Claus.

OK, as much as I'm enjoying watching random people's heads fly off

I think we've taken this trolley thing as far as it can go.

You might be right, Eleanor.

Thank you.

Let's try the doctor one.

Dude! What the fork?

These five people all need organ transplants or they will die.

Eleanor's perfectly healthy.

Chidi, do you want to slice her open

and use her organs to save the five sick people?

Chidi! Chidi. Think about this.

I'm your hottest friend.

No. Tahani.

I'm your nicest fr... No. Jason.

I'm your friend.

Save five people.

No, I... I won't do it.

As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic oath, to do no harm.

And although five people will die

I cannot harm one innocent person to save them, and forsake my oath.

It's unethical.

OK.

Tell their families. - What?

Doctor Chidi?

My daddy needed a heart transplant. Did you save his life?

I don't know what I would do without my daddy.

He was working, then a really bad man ran him over with a trolley.

Oh, come on!

What?

I'm finding this incredibly helpful.

I think I'm really starting to get it.

Oh, I know.

We'll do the one where you're in a boat next to a volcano

and you can either save 50 people or one awesome dog or whatever.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no... - Hey!

Are you torturing us again?

What?

You don't care about learning ethics lessons.

You're just torturing Chidi again, aren't you?

Busted! - What?

I'm sorry. Old habits die hard.

Not as hard as those people you crushed with the trolley, though.

Boom! - I'm sorry, is this...

is this funny to you?

Yeah, I thought that was clear from my laughter.

Oh, come on.

My bad. Look, I'm still on your team.

OK? I just needed to let off a little steam.

Whoo...

See? Back home, all good.

No. No. Not all good.

You keep saying that we need you or we'll end up getting tortured forever

but then when we do help you out, we still end up getting tortured

I'd rather just be tortured than choose it.

You are no longer welcome in my class.

Get the fork out!

But I said, "My bad."

Out!

That was some pretty impressive nerd rage yesterday.

Didn't know you had it in you.

You OK?

You've been staring at the second page of this book for an hour.

When I'm really upset, concentrating on a Table of Contents helps me calm down.

It's like a menu, but the food is words.

Oh... OK.

I can't believe I actually thought he wanted to learn from us.

What he really wanted was to torture me.

Using the thing that I love most in the world.

Woven belts?

Oh, teaching, right.

I'm sorry about this, Chidi.

I made him take the classes and I feel a little responsible.

No, no, it's not your fault.

Yeah, you're right, it isn't, and no take-backs!

No, a tiger can't change his stripes.

This is what he always wanted.

Me trying desperately to teach him something that he never intended to learn

so I'd end up miserable with my glasses all smudged up

from sweaty forehead stress-grease.

OK. Gross. Also, I really don't think that's true.

Oh, no?

What possible other reason could he have to behave that way?

Actually, I can think of one.

Yesterday, Tahani gave us her reasons

not to take this relationship public.

Jason.

How did that make you feel?

Like she's being a jerk.

OK, let's try that again, and this time, I want you to use an "I" statement.

OK, um...

"Tahani is being a jerk," said I, Jason

Tahani, what do you value about Jason?

Well, he's nice, thoughtful.

Picks flowers and brings them to me.

Often, they're ones I've just planted but...

That's how I know they're fresh. - He's the least self-aware person

I've ever met.

He has massive amounts of unearned confidence

and he's utterly unaware of his own absurdity.

Therefore, quite good at sex.

But I'm sorry, I still don't want anyone to know that we're together.

Here's the thing

I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me.

There's something wrong about that but I can't put my finger on what it is.

Oh, Jason. I genuinely like you.

But I need you to be patient with me.

Back on Earth, all of my relationships were either yacht-based flings

on international waters, or glorified photo-ops arranged by publicists.

It's hard to change all at once.

Can you give me a little more time?

OK.

I agree to keep this on the DL for now

if you agree to grab my butt in public once a week.

You can say I sat in gum and that you're trying to scrape it off.

You do sit in a lot of gum.

Aw, I'm happy for you guys.

Huh.

Look, I don't know what to tell you. If Chidi can't take a joke, that's on him.

Just like all that blood was.

I can't high-five that!

No matter how badly I want to.

Look, this isn't about Chidi not being able to take a joke.

This is about you.

You're doing what I used to do.

You're "Pulling an Eleanor."

Posting my cousin's credit card number on Reddit

because she said I looked tired?

I forgot I did that.

No!

No.

"Pulling an Eleanor" in this case is lashing out when you feel like a failure.

You couldn't hack the classes.

They made you feel dumb and small so you took it out on the teacher.

You think I feel dumb and small?

I'm an eternal being who can see in nine dimensions.

I can see from your aura that you're about to fart quietly

and then lie about it. And please don't, because I can also see what you ate today.

Dude, you can bluster and insult all you want.

Also Classic Shellstrop moves, by the way, but deep down you know I'm right.

Whatever. Eventually, Chidi will get over it.

Ah! Ha-ha!

Leaving it up to the other person to be the grown-up

yet another Classic Shellstrop move!

You and I are really very similar.

What does that say about me? Ugh...

Look, bro.

The fact that Chidi straight up told you to fork off should tell you how upset he was.

That's the most decisive I've ever seen him.

He once went to a Chinese restaurant and couldn't choose between

sweet and sour chicken.

That's one thing!

It's 100% on you to make this up to him.

I screwed up.

I'm owning it.

I mean, I'm a superior being. I ought to act like one.

Right? So...

I really thought about each one of you

and I got you something that will make you happy.

I call them...

"opposite tortures."

Do you mean "presents"?

Yes, that's better. Thank you.

Tahani, here's yours.

Holy mama! Is this a diamond?

Yeah. Honestly, I... I don't get the appeal.

Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way.

They're worthless space garbage.

What you're holding right now, that's basically meteorite poop.

And I have the biggest piece!

Eleanor, I had Janet make you...

a never-ending shrimp dispensary.

Oh!

This is the dream.

It is?

Yeah!

Jason, here you go.

Pikachu!

Guys, it's Pikachu!

This is awesome!

Aw, man...

That was awesome though.

Thanks, Michael.

And finally... Chidi.

You were a tough nut to crack, but I think I figured it out.

This is a replica of a lost notebook from the desk of Immanuel Kant.

It contains never-before-seen thoughts and musings

and several, uh... crude erotic doodles.

Interesting guy, actually.

The point is, no one on Earth has ever seen this...

except for you.

Cool.

This isn't an apology, it's a bribe, and I'm not interested.

Yeah, we can't be bought!

What do you want from me, man? You want me to give you a golden nameplate

for your office?

You want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?

No!

Then this would be worthless.

I don't want anything. - Oh! Oh.

OK. Oh, I get it. I get it.

You want me to admit that I was wrong.

And you want me to say, "Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry"

"because I didn't understand human ethics and you do, it made me feel insecure"

"and I lashed out, and oh, please help me"

"because I feel so, so lost and vulnerable."

Yes.

Oh, Chidi. I am so sorry.

I, um... I didn't understand human ethics

and... and you do and it made me feel insecure and I lashed out.

And I really need your help because I feel so lost and vulnerable.

Have a seat.

Whoo!

Nobody try "mystery flavour."

It's white chocolate and it is nasty.

Here are your papers

and I have to say, you all have shown tremendous improvement

over the past couple of weeks.

A C minus?

I aced it!

Wow! A plus?

Michael, that's impressive.

But, I mean, I'm a superior being, so...

who has a lot to learn, and who is grateful to be here.

OK, reminder

today Vicky is torturing Jason and Eleanor.

You two should walk through the town square in 30 minutes

and remember to act surprised when the unicorn poops on you.

Right. Also, we don't know how long we have before Vicky catches on

so we really gotta move.

As soon as you clean the glittery faeces out of your hair

meet back here for the next lesson. - I mean, I can just come straight here.

No.

Go ahead and shower first.

OK.

Listen, we just wanted to thank you... for all of your help.

Our relationship's grown so much stronger over the past few weeks

and we owe it all to you. - Congratulations.

I am very happy for the both of you.

OK, bye!

Hi there.

What's happening? What's wrong?

I am wrong.

I can't stop glitching. I don't know why and it's getting worse.

I fear this Neighbourhood is in danger of total collapse.

So, that's the main thing.

How are you?