Original subtitles

Ya gotta admit, things are going pretty well since I took over.

Certainly a lot smoother lately.

And based on my surveillance

our four humans don't suspect anything.

Yeah, because we're killing it.

Wooo-hoo-hoo!

You sure are.

Here are the torture ideas you asked me to write up for next week.

Ugh...

So long.

You're not supposed to be torturing me.

From now on, make all your memos one page, max... with pictures.

Also, Quinston over here already came up with a sick idea for how to torture Tahani.

Tell him, babe.

We're gonna have Tahani throw a party for Gunnar's birthday

but no one will show up, because we'll also be throwing a party

and it'll be way better!

Boom!

Where do you get these incredible ideas?

That one just came to me.

- It just, like, popped right into my noodle. - Yeah, that's right!

- Up top! - Oh!

So, that's their plan.

This doesn't seem so bad.

Yeah, it really tugs my nuggets.

I worked so hard on my torture ideas

and theirs are so basic.

These Millennials, they have no work ethic.

Oh, sorry, a...

a "millennial" is someone who's only been torturing people

for a thousand years.

"Millennial."

OK, coast is clear.

Not a demon in sight.

Except for, you know...

Is that what we should call you? "Demon?"

Well, I mean, it's not really accurate and we consider it to be...

a little racist.

But it's fine.

Well, um, let's start our first lesson.

Tahani and Jason will have to make it up since they're both off being fake-tortured.

I'd like to mention again that a "being" like me studying human ethics is pointless.

Wouldn't you rather I work on the plans to get us all to the real Good Place?

Nope.

This is school, that's your after-school job.

If I could bartend when I was 11, you can handle this.

Alright, well, I've read everything on your syllabus

and how... how do I put this delicately?

It's all...

stupid garbage.

Ah, well, are there any philosophers that you found interesting?

Lao-Tzu? Buddha? Plato?

Nope. No.

They're all dumdums.

And terrible writers!

So hard to understand.

I am with you there, dog.

- Mm. - Look, we have to start somewhere

so how about Socrates?

alright, alright...

let me just get into the mind-set of a human.

"Ha, ha... Oh, I'm a human..."

"and my breathing tube is next to my eating tube."

"Oh, and look! My arms end in stupid little sticks!"

OK. Proceed.

Good.

Ugh, this is so depressing.

I'm being forced to throw a party that I know will fail.

Well, why don't you let me handle it? I'm great at failing at stuff. Uh, Janet?

Hi there!

Hi! Me and Tahani are throwing a rager.

So, we're going to need the essentials

chips, salsa, a tank of nitrous

a treasure map

water-skis, a boat, water

those zappy-paddles for your chest

a big snake, obviously...

No, no, no, ignore all of that, Janet. Please just design a basic dinner party.

I know this sucks, but I think you're great at throwing parties.

That's why they're doing this.

It's what you're best at.

Just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut.

You know what?

You're absolutely right.

We should get a big snake?! - No.

I am the best at planning parties.

Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld

but does she have taste, sophistication

an encyclopaedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde

Belgian floral design?

Yes, she does!

No, she doesn't.

What if I throw a party that is so amazing that it's actually better than the party

that's supposed to win? When they realise they could have come to my party

they'll be sad. I won't be sad.

They'll be sad!

Janet?

Hi there!

Janet, when I turned 18

I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum

and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code.

"I, Tahani Al-Jamil"

"shall do my level best"

"to make every event too much."

Model tonight's decor after my 2008 fundraiser for the Red Cross in Zurich.

No... 2007!

Man...

Michael is not into your class.

Right now, I'm the best student.

I'm gonna be the velociraptor.

You trying to say, "Valedictorian?" - No.

Look, dude, this isn't your fault.

You've been teaching him ethics for half an hour and he's been evil since...

the beginning of time.

Oh!

Maybe the reason Michael can't latch onto the ideas is because he's immortal.

Look, if you live forever, then ethics don't matter to you

because basically there's no consequences for your actions.

You tell a lie, who cares?

Wait a few trillion years, the guilt will fade.

Before I can teach Michael to be good

I have to force him to think about what we used to think about

that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.

That's what you used to think about?

I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants

that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.

You mean a skirt?

No! Th...

You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up.

- Michael. - Yep.

Is there any way that you can die?

Yeah.

Actually, there is.

It's called, "retirement."

It's rare, but when one of us really screws something up...

And, uh, what happens exactly?

Well... it's fairly straightforward

my essence would be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle

and every molecule in my body would be placed on the surface

of a different sun.

Sure.

So, is... is that what would happen if your boss found out

that you defected to our side? - Yeah.

OK, so that might actually happen.

And if it did, there would be no more "Michael."

Think about that for a second.

Imagine being retired.

Everyone else is here, but you, poof.

Gone. Nothingness.

Inky black void. Done.

OK, I'll think about that.

Huh.

So, you're saying I would be...

no...

me?

OK!

Now, we're getting somewhere.

Dude, you broke Michael!

No, no, this is good.

He's having an existential crisis!

It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate

the silent indifference of our empty universe.

Look, the good news is...

if he can work through this

it's the first step towards understanding human ethics!

And what if he can't?

Well, then he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever

and we're all doomed.

OK, I will be right back.

Gonna go grab some Kamu!

Hey, buddy.

How ya doin'?

Can I get you a snack?

Do you eat? I can never remember. What do you eat?

Babies?

You want me to get you a big fat baby?

What flavour baby?

How about a Cool Ranch Baby?

Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide.

How does anyone do anything

when you understand the fleeting nature of existence?

It's pretty easy, man.

I mean, you learn about death when you're a kid

and it's just not that big a deal.

Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news.

Your doggie Max has passed away. Do you know what that means?

Well, sometimes when a dog is very old

like, five or six or something

he crosses a long rainbow bridge

and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm

with lots of grass and trees and...

I dunno, wagons, and a rainbow?

I already said "rainbow"...

The point is, that's where Max is.

Can we visit him at the farm?

Nope, because it's very far away

in...

Guam.

It's in Guam.

Can we have... - OK, look!

I'm lying, OK?

Ya caught me, congratulations.

The farm is made up, the bridge is made up

there's no such place as "Guam."

Your dog Max is dead in a duffel bag under the deck.

How did he die?

The short answer is, I don't know.

And the slightly longer answer is, I didn't know how hot it gets

in cars sometimes.

The point is, don't be sad.

Honestly, I'll get kind of annoyed if you do get sad

because it's been a very long day, and that bitch Carol

from work was really on my ass about some stupid thing

that I don't even know what it was

and at the end of that long day, I had to use one of my favourite duffel bags

to do something very gross that I did not like.

Now, let's celebrate that dead dog's life by bringing Mummy

another bottle of white.

Pinot Grigio or Chardonnay?

Surprise me!

Oh, what am I thinking? Pinot.

Mumma thirsty for that Peen Greej.

Go.

Hey there, buddy.

You feeling kinda empty?

Like there's a gaping chasm in your soul?

A tumbleweed, blowing aimlessly through a vast desert of nothingness?

Mm-hmm.

You think that nothing we do matters, right?

Yeah. - Well, here's the thing.

life isn't meaningless and you are the very proof of that!

I used to feel the way you feel right now

but it turns out everything we did on Earth mattered.

In fact, actions had an actual point value!

So life had a tangible meaning

which means that you don't have to feel this way anymore, buddy!

Existential crisis solved.

You're right.

Your lives aren't meaningless.

Everything on Earth counted for something. - Sure did.

The same is not true here in the afterlife, where I exist

and have always existed.

OK!

But, there has to be some sort of value system, right?

I mean, how else do you judge the value of your actions

outside of work?

There is no "outside of work."

None of us exist outside our jobs.

We have no homes, we have no hobbies, or relationships.

We get the names of people to torture

we torture them

we get more names.

Ah, OK.

So... you don't actually know if there's any purpose

or... or larger meaning in all of this?

Nope. - Cool.

Cool.

I would say I outdid myself, but...

I'm always this good, so I simply "did" myself.

Everything is perfect.

Red alert. Red alert.

We need help. - What's wrong with Michael?

Uh-oh. I know that look.

He just snorted a bunch of printer toner. Mike, listen to me.

You have nothing to worry about. You still have around 70% of your brain left.

No, no, this is more like a philosophy overdose.

Basically, Michael just smoked a big bowl of ennui

and now he's having an existential crisis.

So, we need to cheer him up.

Look at how pretty the restaurant is!

Didn't Tahani do a good job?

Parties are mere distractions from the relentlessness of entropy.

We're all just corpses

who haven't yet begun to decay.

Yeah, but...

balloons!

OK, we all head over to Vicky's party together.

We babysit Michael in shifts so that no one sees he's a catatonic blob.

Or, you could just sit tight

the entire party are going to be heading over here soon

unless I am sorely mistaken.

♪ I'm taking you, baby ♪

♪ All the way to Lucky Town... ♪

I was sorely mistaken.

OK, bud, whatever's going on right now

just shove your feelings way down deep

plaster on a fake smile and pretend you're having fun, OK?

Just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids.

Hey! Welcome, guys.

Wow, this is... elaborate.

Gunnar was an animal rights activist

so the theme of the party is "Animals!"

Flying station's over there, if you want to fly like a falcon.

Wahoo!

And over there, we filled a ball pit with puppies, that's fun.

Oh, and have you ever wanted to sit in a kangaroo pouch?

My whole dang life.

So, we can all hang out here for a bit and then we can head over

to your party. Sound good?

Yo, this place is lit!

I'ma go jump in that kangie's pouch!

Hey!

Alright, Tahani, you just need to walk around the party looking miserable.

Great, just like that. Perfect.

And then, uh, Chidi and I will keep an eye on Michael.

Where's Michael?

Ah... think I found him.

There they are!

Que pasa, muchachos?

Hey, there bud. You OK?

OK? I'm a new man!

Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much for the advice

about shoving my feelings down deep.

I feel so much better. It's like I'm surfin' on this wave of positivity!

Is that Janet?

Oh, yeah, have you met my secretary, Jeanette?

She's a lot like Janet but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.

Oh, uh, hi, Jeanette!

Oh, no. It's still me - Janet.

Michael just asked that I change my appearance

and also say things like, "You're so funny!"

And, "So, we should go to San Diego this weekend."

And, "So, how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"

I don't understand what's happening.

Man, repressing your feelings is great.

I was feeling stress all the time and now it's just so easy.

Babe, we need to get some food into you, get you something to eat.

I don't eat anything.

She's perfect.

Hey, turn that around!

♪ Roll them dice, baby! ♪

It did kinda hurt actually, but I love it.

So, he's moved on from existential crisis to just straight-up mid-life crisis.

That's good, right?

I knew a ton of guys like that back in Arizona.

I mean, they hit on you when they're drunk and their breath smells like supplements

but overall, they're pretty harmless.

It's Chinese for "Japan."

Ugh... So cool.

No, no. This is worse.

I mean, an existential crisis is an acknowledgement that life is absurd

and that absurdity needs to be confronted.

But this is just denial. And at any moment that denial could collapse

and he'll be a mess!

He is a Jenga tower of sadness!

For an immortal being, he's pretty fragile.

I mean, the guy contemplates his own death for one forking minute

and completely loses his grip on reality?

You didn't have to come. I said I'm fine.

Yeah, well, I know you guys weren't super close, but still.

It's hard, losing a parent.

Eleanor! Mummy's here, baby.

Oh, and who is this tall drink of wine?

Um, this is my boyfriend, Sam.

Sam, this is my...

...mother - Sister!

Sister. Ugh, that's not gonna work...

It's my ex-husband's funeral.

Thanks for blowing my cover, Doug!

Listen, baby, don't be sad, OK?

Your father wasn't great.

Let's call him what he was

a fart in the shape of a man.

Can you just chill?

I don't want to turn Dad's funeral into a roast.

I'm not! I'm just saying, he sucked.

I mean, the only photo they could get of him was a mugshot.

He was a doof, so don't be sad that he's gone.

I'm not sad. I'm fine.

Good.

You know, I had a long-running bet with Eleanor's father that I would outlive him.

You wanna guess who won that one? Come on, guess!

Well, we're at his funeral. It's pretty clear...

I did! I won, he's dead!

Up top!

Whoa.

Is there a bar?

I'm just gonna...

Did my mum slip you her hotel room key?

Yes, yes, she did.

Thanks so much for coming to Gunnar's birthday party!

Now, there was a little bit of a mix-up and Tahani also planned a birthday party

over at the restaurant, so why don't we all head over there?

Uh, no need.

This party is far superior.

I'm sure yours is amazing.

Well, I did fine on the décor, but I don't have...

you know... actual unicorns you can ride.

So, you all just stay here and have fun.

OK, well, if... if that's what you want.

Let's all get back to the party then!

Hang on there, mis amigos!

- No, no, no, no... - Wooo!

- I wanna make a toast! - Michael... oh, boy.

OK, I know what you're thinking, birth is a curse

and existence is a prison

but don't think about that!

Don't be sad, you guys.

Focus on something great, like Drakkar Noir

Woo!

Which I'm wearing a lot of tonight! Or the Sharper Image catalogue

what can't those guys ionise?

By the way, I am feeling amazing!

I'm gonna do some push-ups.

Then we'll go around the room and name our favourite cheese!

OK, that's good with the speeches. That's good, yeah...

Let's all get back to the party.

What was that?

You didn't run any of that by me. - Oh, I know, I know

I'm sorry, babe. Listen...

when you guys first took over, I was upset.

But it's all good, now.

I mean, anger is toxic

I'm not about that negativity.

Mi torture es su torture.

I am so happy you're in charge.

OK. Well...

good!

Namaste, chica.

Do you wanna dance? - No.

OK.

I'm leaving.

I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.

Why? There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride

and a game of "Hungry, Hungry, Hippos"

with actual hippos.

This party is way better than ours.

Why are you miserabl... oh.

You stay and have fun.

I'm going to go throw myself a pity party

though I doubt I can even throw one of those properly.

God, I love this stuff.

Ah!

Let's keep this party going!

What now, huh? You wanna hit the clubs?

Oh, oh, oh, Vegas.

No, no, even better, Dubai.

Jeanette, make us a Dubai.

Kinda feel like maybe

we should wind down, huh, bud?

No, no, can't do that... can't stop moving, can't stop moving.

If I stop moving, I'll start thinking. And if I start thinking

I'll start thinking about things I don't want to think about, like death.

Whoops...

I'm thinking about it now.

Yep. Thinking about death again.

Oh! I know!

Jeanette and I have been taking, uh, samba lessons, huh?

Let us show you how to do it. Come on.

I think Vicky bought his excuse but we need to snap him out of this.

Which one of these confusing French books will make him normal again?

It's not that easy.

I mean, emotionally, he's all over the map right now.

And I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't think this can be solved with a book.

What's the big whoop? I dealt with death and I was fine.

Were you? I mean... you never had one moment where you were freaked out

by the permanence of death?

Never one moment like that?

Hey, man, you got toothbrush holders?

Uh, sure. Yeah.

Right over here. - What's this?

Who has four toothbrushes?

Like, Bill Gates or something?

No, that's, like, for a family.

Family?

Like a whole family and their toothbrushes all together?

Two slots for the parent toothbrushes

and two slots for their... kids?

Yep.

So, the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and...

watch over them, and...

they can all talk about their toothbrush feelings

and they can hold their little toothbrush hands

when they're sad.

And...

make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?

Sure.

Uh, you need a Kleenex?

Thank you.

Sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

A family pack?

I don't know if what I'm gonna say is gonna hurt or help, but screw it.

Do you know what's really happening right now?

You're learning what it's like to be human.

All humans are aware of death, so we're all a little bit sad

all the time.

That's just the deal.

Sounds like a crappy deal.

Well, yeah, it is.

But we don't get offered any other ones.

And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway.

I've been there.

And everybody's been there.

So, don't fight it.

And in the words of a very wise "Bed, Bath and Beyond" employee

I once knew...

"Go ahead and cry all you want."

"But you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Got you something to eat.

I'm not hungry.

I just want to sit and stare at nothing

and silently scream for the rest of time.

I might be way off base here

but you seem kinda bummed.

I really thought I could throw a better party

than a magical, all-powerful being.

And moreover, what's this say about me? About the life I lived?

The way they're torturing me is through event-planning mishaps.

And it works!

Am I really that shallow?

Listen.

Back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew.

Whenever we auditioned a new dancer

we would rate them in five categories

dancing ability

coolness

dopeness

freshness

and smart-brained.

I would give you an eight in every category.

Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.

Oh, no. Eight is the best.

It was a scale of one to 13

but eight was highest.

The scale went up and then back down

like a tent.

Why?

It's not important.

Lately, you've been really down on yourself

but you're the most amazing person I've ever met

uh, besides Michael.

And he was constantly torturing us

so I'd only rank him a ten.

Which is worse than an eight?

That's so unnecessarily confusing.

The point is

you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained.

Never seen you dance, but I bet you're good

because you're good at everything.

You're awesome.

Be nicer to yourself!

Thank you, Jason.

From one eight to another.

"Excellent progress this week."

"Tahani, devastated by party mishap."

"Eleanor continues to be a selfish monster, creating burden for Chidi."

"Selfish monster?"

I brought you back from the brink of an existential coma, dude!

Selfish monster... - No, no, I have to embellish your misery

on these fake torture reports so that my boss doesn't get suspicious.

But really, I am grateful you pulled me out of my funk.

I mean, is that how you all felt on Earth?

Because that was just awful.

Oh, yeah, it was no fun.

But you had it worse, because you're an immortal being.

Humans learn that they're going to die when they're six.

- Mm. - How old are you?

Hard to explain, really.

On my birth certificate it just says, "always".

Hm. Well...

now that you've become acquainted with Existential Crises

I thought we could read "Death," by philosopher Todd May.

Sounds like the perfect beach read.

Should we wait for Tahani and Jason?

Where are those goofballs?

So, um, we should probably discuss...

That was awesome!

It was...

surprisingly so.

But we should still discuss...

You want some breakfast? I know how to make cereal.

Sure, but Jason...

OK, be right back!