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Yeah.

Alright. Yeah.

I chose Chicago for the special

because I love, I love Chicago.

Matter of fact, I was
here four years ago.

I was out to get lunch

and I had an experience
here in Chicago

that I have never been
able to get rid of really.

I haven't been able to shake it.

I was sitting next
to a couple, a guy

and a girl, two people.

They ordered two large pizzas
and they finished them.

Two people, they ordered
two large pizzas.

They finished all
but a slice. Okay.

You ever sitting next to people

that are having a conversation
and you're listening

and what they're talking about,

the words coming outta their
mouth are so ridiculous

that you feel in your
heart that you have

to butt in on behalf of society.

At the end of this meal, the
woman turned to her husband.

She said, hun, don't even get
the car. We'll walk it off.

I was like, walk it off?

Bitch, I hope you
live in Kalamazoo

because

crunching some
numbers, carry the two

You need to get going.

You two need to leave now.

walk it off.

I suggest a sensible
shoe and a canteen.

You have so far to
walk. Walk it off.

She's talking about it like
it was a Charlie horse.

I just watched you
two eat 15 slices.

A serving is one.

I didn't say that. I
didn't say any of that.

I'll tell you what
happened. I stayed quiet.

Finish my whole pizza.

I didn't say I was
walking it off though, so

probably still is with me.

As a matter of fact, as soon

as she said that, I
jumped on my phone.

I had to, I Googled it. The
average pizza, 3,200 calories.

That's without
topping. She had two.

Let's not even talk about those.

You gotta understand
something. You walk,

we walk three miles an
hour as human beings

and in an hour we
burn 160 calories,

which means that the woman from

Chicago would've had to walk

for 20 hours.

20 hours or 60 miles.
That's the math.

I've done it many times.

I've been alive
for decades. Okay?

I lived in seven locations.

They've all been within
nine miles of each other.

This woman has to walk the
length of the Great Lakes

'cause she wanted
double sausage.

I have Chicago.

I have regretted not saying

something to this woman so badly

that I think of her
in my regular life.

For four years

I have thought of this
woman from Chicago.

I swear I think about
her in the shower,

when I'm trying to fall asleep.

You know, I think
about her when I walk

and I flew into Chicago
yesterday and I got like PTSD.

I was like, Chicago, the woman.

I am so obsessed that
I didn't say anything.

That this is where I'm at
with this situation. Okay?

If somebody invented
time travel,

I wouldn't even use that

to like go back and
save a bunch of people.

I go four years ago,
Wicker Park in the pizzeria

and give this bitch
cheese the distance.

1:18 PM I kicked
the pizzeria door,

but I, excuse me, miss,
I'm from the future.

Are you prepared to walk until
around this time tomorrow?

No. Well then everybody in the
pizzeria thinks you're being

very unreasonable.

Then I turn to myself and be
like, you two put it down.

It doesn't come off

I, I should walk
more things off.

I don't walk. I don't go out.

I don't leave my
house anymore. Okay?

I turned 30 years
old, November, 2006

and

That's where it fell off for me.

This is how much I dread
going out. Seriously.

Recently, it was my best
friend Mike's birthday.

We've been friends for 34 years.

I still didn't want to
go out.Just to get me

through the night of my
best friend's birthday.

For the first time in my life,
I took a five hour energy.

You have, you have
experience. Yeah.

This is how bad I
didn't want to go out.

This is how much I dreaded. I
took two five hour energies.

No. Yeah. I don't need
to read the directions

'cause I know that clearly means

I get 10 consecutive hours

of evenly distributed energy

that should subside

right around that last minute,

I had 10 hours of energy.

The second I swallowed,

I basically did cocaine
with vitamin B12.

I would've punched a child
if one came across me,

I would've punched a little
boy right in his mouth

and then asked him if he wanted
to start a crypto business.

That's how quickly I was
out of my gourd, okay?

I took 42000% of the
recommended daily allowance

of vitamin B12.

I was like, it's
my birthday now.

We went out, we drank
heavy on top of that.

It was time to come
home. I'm responsible.

I took an Uber home and
the Uber was a five star

ride, pristine.

But when I got out
of the Uber, I was

so hopped up still on the energy

and all the alcohol that
I accidentally hit one

star and I hit submit.

Let me finish.

I'm neurotic as it
is. He pulled away.

I had a full meltdown.
I was afraid.

I've ruined this man's life.

I was like, oh my God,

the guy's gonna get
fired from his Uber.

I was thinking the
worst. I ruined his life.

I was like, he probably
has a baker's dozen

worth of children, they
all need braces probably.

I sat down at 4:15 in
the morning on the stoop

of a home that I didn't
know who lived there.

Wasn't me.

and I swear to you, these
words came outta my mouth.

I went, oh my god,
this guy's kids.

And I realized in that
moment, I'll go in the app

and you can write to them
if you have an issue.

So, ah, that's what
I did that night.

I went into the app
in that state of mind

in that condition,

and I wrote to Uber to save
this man and his children.

I forgot about it. I
found it in my phone.

Four months later, I have
the letter on me right now.

I'm gonna read this to you guys.

I need you to keep a few
things in mind, okay?

This is a combination of
600 minutes of energy,

Tito's handmade vodka,

and autocorrect.

Autocorrect does some of
the heavy lifting here.

It starts off like this,

"To oves, it may concern."

Next sentence.

EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT!!!!!

All caps coming in hot,

coming in hot on
that second sentence.

All caps, five exclamations.

Why am I pissed off?

All of a sudden, what
happened between the first

and second sentence?

It's not like someone at
Uber was like, you know, sir,

I'm sorry, it's too late.

We just got word.
His daughters are

all selling their bodies.

Also. It's 4:15 AM

and I'm trying to reach a
human up at the Uber office.

So it is not going great.

Croutons.

That's the next sentence.
That's the subject.

The verb and the predicate.
Croutons fucking period.

Croutons is what I told them.

I said, croutons, croutons.

I have a major emergency here.

This guy's kid's teeth
hang in the balance.

I told them, croutons, call
the meeting, figure it out.

I thought about
croutons. I thought about

that sentence for a while too.

Because, because,
because, because what?

Auto corrects to croutons.

What the hell was
I trying to say?

That the iPhone 11S was
like, no, no, no. Trust us.

He means crotons. That's
what the boy means. Yes.

We here at Apple, believe the
boy meant the cubes of bread.

You put in your
salads and your soups.

That's the end of
the letter to Uber.

If you're paying attention.
I didn't even mention a star.

This guy, this guy has 13
kids running around the city

that can never smile
with confidence.

To oves it making concern.

EVERYTHING'S GOING
GREAT!!!!! Croutons.

Tell your children. I
said, you're welcome.

What did I even do there?
That's not adult behavior.

I log onto Uber corporate
at 4:15 in the morning,

told them my life,

fantastic. I need
one salad ingredient

and I peaced the fuck out.

Never to be heard from again.

Because I told you I found
out on my phone four months

later I was mortified.

Switch to Lyft. Been
using Lyft ever since.

In my head, that is printed out

and it's taped to the
wall in the Uber office.

It must be, I feel like they
use it for training purposes.

Hey, how you doing?
Welcome to Uber.

Two weeks paid vacation break
room's over there. Come here.

Tell us what the fuck you
think it means by croutons.

There's a large office prize.

No, you laugh, but I
could've. I could've.

I could've helped those
wonky tooth little bastards.

I failed. I live with
that. I feel bad about it.

'cause you, you have to,
when you're in a situation

where you could help
children, you do it.

Everyone knows that.

That's a weird time to
laugh. Weird. It's weird.

I feel like, do you want to
just like,

we'll close our eyes.

You, you leave.

So we don't see you.
So we don't report you.

Couple weeks ago, my young
niece, she didn't feel well

and my sister took her
temperature with a laser gun.

Beep. You seen that laser gun?
Beep. Yeah. You seen that?

Yeah.

Where was that technology

in the seventies?

There was
a planet full of children

that could have
used that technology

in the seventies.

And I see young people
in the audience,

and I don't even know if you
know what I'm talking about.

I don't know if you know
what we went through,

but when you sneezed

or when you had the sniffles
when I was little, you had

to get up your ass very quickly.

Nobody talks about that.

I feel like it didn't need to
happen. No one talks about it.

Let's talk about it now.

I don't know why the common
cold in the seventies was

so closely related to sodomy.

I don't know why my
word to my mother

that I didn't feel well
wasn't good enough for her.

Like I said, when
you sneeze in 1978,

it got real weird, real fast.

I used to sneeze in the closet

for fear of retaliation.

Seriously. I was like,
you are never getting me.

I will eat an apple every day

and I will sneeze
amongst these coats.

For the younger people,

this is how we go down
when I was younger.

My mom would feel my forehead
and be like, he feels hot.

And then my dad would be
like, yeah, but how hot?

Hear me out. Why don't we
stick this glass rod up

his asshole?

Really get to the bottom of it.

At that point, you
are doing more damage

than the cold.

Common cold goes
away, two, three days,

force penetration sticks around.

I feel like we needed one

reasonable adult
in the seventies

that could have changed the
course of history for us.

Just one to be like, you know
what? I felt his forehead.

He feels warm.
Good enough for me.

I swear to you, I felt like
I had a gaggle of adults

around me at all times.

Like, you need to penetrate
this sick boy now.

Or we'll never know if he
needs a cough drop.

Now bend the boy over, stick
the mercury up his hole

against his will.

Or how will we know if he
needs plenty of liquids?

I know some of you are saying,
what about under the tongue?

No, I was one of four. Okay?

I don't know who
was reamed prior.

You start with hole.

You stick with hole under the
tongue is no longer an option.

It's a glorious time
for temperatures.

So soak it up, really soak it up

because one day my children
are not gonna know

what I went through

and I thought about it

and I do not think that is fair.

So I will split the difference.

I will take their temperature
using the laser gun,

but I will shove that

up their fucking ass.

And by the way, lasers
existed in the seventies.

The technology was there.
It didn't have to happen.

I realized that
40 years too late.

As I got older, I realized

so many things like
that after the fact.

I, I used to live with my
older grandparents as a kid.

And the main thing that
I took away from living

with old people all
those years as a child is

that I always thought
that when I got older,

moths would be a
much bigger issue.

My grandparents battled moths,

like their pensions
were riding on it.

Excuse me. There were
so many moth balls

piled in my grandfather's
closet that I thought

that when I got older, moths
might be a legitimate hurdle

that I was supposed to
overcome in my life.

At some point I thought
they were to be feared.

I, I prepared for moths, like
a doomsday prepper. Okay?

If you would've
asked me back then,

what do you want outta life Sal?

I would've been
like, what do I want?

The same thing that
you want. Go to school,

get a good education, graduate,

go to college,
graduate from there.

Get a good job, with a
good salary, find a gal,

settle down, have a couple kids.

Everybody's healthy. Don't
get overtaken by the moths.

How much of a problem were moths

That balls

needed to be invented?

What was going on

before the balls?

Mayhem, people
roaming the streets,

glazed look on their
face, tattered cold

and like, don't go in there.

It's a proper shit show

and we don't yet
have a solution.

Hey dude, I know you
hate moths. Don't worry.

I invented balls.

Cool, bro, those killed moths?

No you just throw
'em in your closet.

Your closet smells like piss

and you don't go in it anymore.

What even do they do?
They don't kill moths.

They just smell
like urinal cakes.

What kind of business
model is that?

Honestly, at the end of the
day, what's worse?

Someone would be
like, oh my god, Sal,

you have a little
hole in in your lapel.

Well, let's make a run for it.

Here comes the
human golden shower.

Just walk around, smelling
like piss, gimme the holes.

It also blows my mind
that a moths food

of choice is a shirt.

Did you ever think about
this? They ate clothes.

And here's where it
gets tricky for me.

Moths were around
before clothes.

So what did they eat then?

And how God awful was
it that they were like,

give me slacks.

I know nothing of moths.

But there was one moth
to be like, yo, bro,

I know you're chopping on
that larvae that you love,

but when you're
done, gimme a shot.

I got something's gonna
blow your balls off.

It's called a polo.

I feared thermometers.
I feared moths. Thunder.

Thunder debilitated me as a kid.

Okay, my mama, we
had a bad storm.

My mom used to have to talk
me down from the thunder

and she used to say, honey,
don't worry about the thunder.

That's just God

bowling.

You've heard that?
Yeah, you've heard that.

Why are you applauding that?
Why would you applaud that?

That's a sack of
shit lie right there.

Why do we do that to
children? Don't lie to me.

Tell me the truth about
thunder. The truth isn't bad.

There's no need for a coverup.

Just it's a cold front meets
warm front. Boom, boom.

You got some thunder there.

You tell me, you fill
my head up with fables.

You fill my head up with fables,

you tell me it's God bowling.

I took that
information to school.

I got my ass handed to me.

I walked into school
that day like a

confident meteorologist.

So I was like, you guys
are scared of this.

That's just God and
his good time Pals.

Tanya, calm down.

That's just Jesus engaging
in light recreation.

You should be less
concerned about the thunder

and more concerned that he's
up there taking a load off

while you have Crohn's.

I am gonna shoot
my kids straight.

It's the only way to go.

I think it's a terrible
thing to do, to lie to them.

Imagine explaining thunder

to children in less
fortunate areas

or countries even like that.

Like a third world country.

That would be
insane like a honey.

I know you're scared right
now. We're all scared.

This is the likes of a
storm we have never seen

and we are low on
food and rations

and medicines

and the village is washing away

And we haven't seen your sister

in quite some time.

But don't worry, that's just God

fucking bowling.

Don't you dare trouble
him with prayer right now.

He's a thunderbolt
away from a Turkey.

What is bowling?

Honey, bowling is the thing
that the rich countries do

where people wear shoes
made of the hides of animals

and they stand on polished wood

and they throw a marble
sphere down an alley,

knock down ivory pins only
to pick 'em right back up.

It doesn't sound real right?
I know it is real, honey.

God is what's not real.

Oh, I knew that would
split the audience.

However, however, the
joke is on you.

I am religious.

I say that to see
where the pagans are.

I see you and I see you and
I saw you. So now I know.

No, I I was raised Catholic.

I went to Catholic
school from kindergarten

to senior year of college.

Yes. So I don't believe

it's not anything profound.

It's just that if you
believe in heaven,

you have to believe in hell.

That's the yin yang. That's
the rule they set up.

I don't want to believe in hell.

So I choose not to subscribe.

God bowling.

We will say anything to kids.

We don't even care if it

sounds believable in the least.

The tooth fairy,

the whole concept

of the tooth fairy
is cuckoo bananas.

It sounds like an acid trip.

Do you know when I, the

the tooth fairy was a
nightmare situation for me.

I found out about the
tooth theory the day I lost

my first tooth.

Not a year, not a month.
They forgot to tell me.

I found out the day I lost it.

I'm six.

I have to process this
information by nightfall.

I couldn't believe
what I was hearing.

I was like, dad, let's just get,

let's just get the
title out of the way.

A woman is going to access
the home this evening

despite the locks to
take a piece of my mouth

and you are signing off?

Midddle of the night
some no name hussy

is gonna sorter in
here while I'm eyeballs

deep in a REM cycle.

No name by the way,
no name.

That's not a red flag.

She only goes by her job title.

If I had someone walk up to
me, me like, Hey, I'm Stan,

this is my wife,
regional manager,

I'd be suspect to Stan
and Reig right away.

I said, dad, why don't
we put it in the mailbox

clean transaction.

Everybody wins.

He says,

she only flies here if
it's under the pillow.

I said,

"She has wings?"

I need to call Jason.

Jason was my best
friend at the time.

I wanted to call
him to warn him.

What would I even say?

Jason, listen, there's not
a lot of time

a no name floozy

is coming for your
teeth tonight.

And the deadbolt
don't mean shit.

I said, dad, we don't
know this woman.

What if she's having a bad day?

She comes in here and she
starts taking

other body parts?

Like, what if she got up on
the wrong side of her cocoon?

And she comes in and she's just

like, she takes my knee caps.

Now I have no caps.
Dad, now I have no caps.

Are they baby caps? Will I
get these caps back Dad?

How much will I get
for these caps Dad?

I had extensive
questions about the caps.

He said, she'll give you a
dollar. I said, A dollar.

Why didn't you lead with that?

I was six, it was 1982.

A dollar?

I felt like Mark Cuban.

I was like, I'm gonna buy a

little league team
with this money.

I would've walked into
the playground like, all

you motherfuckers is
getting gum today.

I said, you know, let's
try to go to sleep.

Alright, a dollar. So
that was a motivation.

So I went to sleep,
fell asleep eventually,

and I woke up sometime in
the middle of the night

and when I woke up,
I was frozen, okay?

And I started to inch my
hand up, my body slowly

as to not make a big fuss

because I don't know what
this woman is capable of.

And I reached around my
neck and I felt paper

and I pulled it out
and it was a dollar.

And you would think, from what
I told you that I was happy.

I felt extremely violated.

I immediately went,

"Help she's in the house!"

I heard my dad's footstep.
I was like, you ready?

He is like, what's the matter?
I go, she's in the house.

She may still be in this house.

I said, get my tooth back.

He couldn't calm
me down. Hysterics.

He had to take me out of my
bed at two in the morning.

He walked me down the
hall to the kitchen

and he showed me
right on the kitchen

counter was an envelope.

He opened it and
my tooth was in it.

I believed in the
tooth fairy

for four hours.

He still couldn't calm me down.

And I'm like, no, I'm
just crying. I'm flailing.

He's like, look at me. Stop.

He's like, Sal, I just showed
you the tooth. You're okay.

I I did that. I'm the tooth
fairy. That's your tooth.

You don't have to worry.

You gotta understand
something though.

I was six years old,

it was 2:00 AM,

and I was dealing
with a lot of trauma.

And I received that
information, not as,

there is no such thing
as the tooth fairy.

I thought that he was
telling me

that my father

was the fairy

I went, who do I call you now?

That's how confused I was.

I forgot about the
fairy for a second.

And my main concern was, well,

how shall I address
this man going forward?

Everyone thinks
they're so progressive.

I was having the pronoun
conversation 40 years ago.

Thank you very much.

I know now he's not the fairy.

He's one of her helpers.

Everything rattled
me as a kid. Okay?

I was born in 1976

and for most, most
of 1987, I was

terrified that the
rhythm was gonna get me.

You could talk
amongst yourselves.

I, you could explain it.

I'll wait, I'll wait
for you guys to just to.

If you don't know what
I'm talking about,

there was a smash hit
song in 1987 called

The Rhythm is Gonna Get You.

It was by Gloria, Estefan
and the Miami Sound Machine.

It's a very aggressive song.

And my sister used to
have the cassette tape

and she used to play it
over and over and over.

If you know the song,
if you don't know it,

if you haven't heard
it, listen to it.

Do me a favor as soon as
you leave here tonight.

And I want you to
listen to the lyrics

because the lyrics are
horrifying for a child.

This is how the song goes,

At night,

already scary.

When you turn off
all the lights,

there's no place
that you can hide.

Ha ha ha. The rhythm
is gonna get you.

The first time I heard
that, I was like, "yeah,

what the fuck did she just say?"

I'm not prepared

In bed.

Throw the covers on your head

and pretend like you are dead.

Fucking rhythm's gonna get you.

I don't know if
she said fucking,

she may as well have Chicago.

I felt fucking.

No clue of what's
happening to you.

But before this night
is through, Ooh baby,

the rhythm is gonna get you.

Thank you.

And then the song continues
as if to taunt the child.

Rhythm is going get you.

Rhythm is going get you
rhythm is gonna get you.

The rhythm is gonna get you.

I'm like, when is
this happening?

The song's like Tonight,

I'm like, yo, tonight,

like in a little while, sundown.

Is the rhythm here?

Two biggest things I
was afraid of in 1987,

Freddie Krueger and the Rhythm.

Freddie Krueger is
a murdering child.

molestor, burnt head
to toe to a crisp.

He has knives for fings.

He comes back in your dreams

to kill you and your loved ones.

You can't escape him. I
was afraid of that man,

and the rhythm.

I used to, I used

to kiss my mom goodnight
when I was little,

and for like six months
in 1987, I'd be like,

mom, I love you.

I I hope you sleep well.

Also though, might
tonight be the night

that the rhythm

gets into the house,

and gets me specifically.

I didn't give a shit about
my sister. Fuck that bitch.

She wants to play the
tape over and over

and summon the
rhythm to our home.

I was like, rhythm,
do me a favor.

You come to our house, go down
the hall, make a hard write.

She's a toothless brunette

underneath the hello Kitty
sheets with a death twist.

I want no part of this.

And again, mom, you have to
talk me down for a minute.

And she said, tell me honey,
don't worry about the rhythm.

It's not coming for you.
It's coming for all of us.

She doesn't do things
the right way. No, no.

She was like, honey, don't
worry about the rhythm.

It's a, it's a phrase.

And when you get older,
you will understand,

but I promise you, you are
in no immediate danger.

And that's all I needed. I
trusted my mom. That was fine.

Put that to bed for
me until the day

that this woman used
the rhythm against me.

Me and my sister were fighting
one day my mom was like,

guys, cut it out guys.

I'm not gonna say it again.

And then she just went,
alright, that's it.

And she turned in one motion

and swiped the
phone off the wall.

And she went, hello? The
rhythm's on the phone.

Maybe don't laugh at
that. That's terrorism.

You know,

that's straight up domestic t.

I was a smart ass
when I was little.

And I was like, how is
the rhythm on the phone?

The phone didn't ring.

A couple of months
later we were fighting

again and we were
getting into it.

And my mom was like,
guys cut it out.

And she said, guys, don't
make me say it again.

And then she went, okay, fine.

Which I think is even scarier.

She walked to the wall like

she had all the
time in the world,

and she just picked up
the phone and she looked at me

and she dialed
numbers and she waited

and she went,

hello, yes, this is Adele.

No, he has not listened
to me today at all.

Yeah, he's standing right here.

Oh sure, thank you so much.

And she puts the phone to me.

I took a deep breath,

released some urine.

I took a step toward the phone,

put it in my hand,
put it to my head.

My hand was trembling like this.

And I went, hello, who is this?

And the voice on
the other line said,

this is the rhythm.

No,

That is very wrong.

You don't do that to a child.
My mother should be in jail.

Straight up
penitentiary for that woman.

You don't do that to a boy.
That affected me deeply.

How deeply happy when
I was 11. I'm 47.

It's a Saturday in Chicago
and we're talking about it. So

I was a terrified kid.

I I became a terrified
adult. I, I am, I am.

I am terrified right now.

I'll tell you about one of
the most frightening things

that happened to me
in my adult life.

I used to live in this little
studio, basement apartment

underneath like a townhouse.

And one day I was
sleeping deep sleep,

all the lights pitch black.

And I heard a
pounding at the door.

And you know, you know,

you could tell when
something is an emergency.

I heard like, and in one motion,

IL from a deep sleep to my feet.

And I was like, hello?

My heart was beating
outta my chest.

And I heard Sal, it's
Dave. Open the door.

Dave was my landlord.

He's the guy that lived
upstairs for me at the time.

And he was a big Irish dude.

He was a New York
City detective.

And I stumbled in
the dark to the door

and I cracked it
open like this much.

And the sun came and
I went, what's up?

And he said, did you hear
anything? And I said, no.

And he goes, you
didn't hear anything.

And I said, no, what's up?

And he goes, I just got home.

My door upstairs
is off the hinges.

Somebody broke into my house

and I think they're
still in there.

Let's go.

Let's go?

I pay you.

You're gonna drag me
into this. Your tenant.

I'm a straight up civil.

He didn't even wait
for a response.

He walked away like,
I'm going to help him.

So I threw on my terry cloth
bathrobe and my house slippers

because I may be fighting a
criminal in a few moments.

And I went to the
front of the house.

I don't know why I went,
I shouldn't have gone.

And I get to the front

and sure enough, I see
the front door hanging off

the middle hinge only.

And it was chilling.

And for a moment I was like, are

we sure this isn't
the tooth fairy?

I don't want you to go in
there and shoot my father.

JK he's just a helper. So,

and was standing there and
I don't know what to do.

And in that moment, he
reaches into his jacket

and he pulls out a
gun and he cocked it.

Now I know

that you guys are from here,

but I'm from there.

I'm not used to seeing a
gun in front of my face,

let alone cocked
and ready to go.

And in that moment he says
to me, with a serious face,

he goes, I'm gonna go inside

and I'm gonna secure
the first floor.

You get my back.

And I said to him, I'm your guy.

I don't know why I said
that. I'm not his guy.

I'm nobody's guy.

I'm barely a guy.

And he goes in, and the only way

I could describe it is like

what we see in TV and movies.

I swear to God, he's
technical, methodical.

He's doing, he's
doing this stuff.

I'm standing there like I am
very unclear of my role here.

I'm dressed like I'm
waiting for a massage.

I couldn't do anything
but repeat 'em.

He was like, kitchen's
clear. My kitchen's clear.

Closet is clear. I go
all clear in the closet.

And he comes up
to me and he goes,

I've canvassed the first floor.

We good down here. Now you
and I have to go upstairs.

I was just like,
I'm still your guy.

And we start to go up the steps

and look, it is tense man.

And he's stone faced. Okay?

He's been in this situation
before.

He's ready to act. Okay?

He's going up the steps.
He's trying not even

to make a creek, not one
creek in the steps, okay?

I am right behind him,

head to toe, south park pajamas

Terry Cloth Bathrobe.

Again, I could only mimic him.

So I'm just like, okay,
I took my cues from him.

So I'm just going up the stairs.

It looked like an
episode of Scooby Doo.

At one point, I swear to God,
I even did this with my hand

because I felt like
I needed something.

Maybe the robber would
think I had a flesh pistol.

I don't know.

We get to
the top of the steps.

There's three doors up
there. Two were open,

one was a half bath,
not impressive.

The other was a spare bedroom.

And then there was
one closed door,

which means obviously that
if anyone is in the house

they have to be
behind that door.

And that means obviously
that if something's going

to happen, it's gonna
happen right now,

I know we're laughing, but I
want you to appreciate this.

So if you could, for
even one moment, try, try

to put yourself

in my slippers.

I have been awake for 70 seconds

and I'm standing there like,
how did I find myself here?

A minute and a half
ago I was with a bunch

of girls at the beach

and now I'm in a position
where I could get shot

and I don't know what to do.

And he leans in, in
that moment, he goes,

he starts doing hand
signals, sign language,

whatever you want to call it.

But I was like, why
would you believe

that I could interpret this?

Can we please go downstairs
and tiptoe down there

and whisper about it?

And before I could
communicate to him,

I don't know what
I'm supposed to do.

He turned and he kicked his
own door open. It flew open.

He ran in with the
gun out like that.

I got a surge of adrenaline I
never felt before in my life.

Something came through my body,

up my toes off the
top of my head.

And I involuntarily
yelled, pow, pow,

pow, pow I said.

I said pow pow

First I said croutons.

Now here I said, pow, pow.

I made the sound of a gun

from cartoons.

That's how I helped
that man, onomatopoeia.

So he gets shot.

No. Could you imagine?

He get shot? I'm like, huh,

Pow!

My luck there's a nest cam.

The footage is on the news.

I'm like, pow pow.
He's laying there dead.

Kaboom!

Slap!

Tonight at 11, local pussy
shot dead making gun sounds.

Thanks guys.

Sir, can you take us
through what happened?

Yes, I was, I pay him
and I was sleeping

and I wasn't getting a massage.

And I love cartoons,
sir, this is live.

Can we cut to the chase?
Yes. I said, pow pow.

There was nobody in there.

Could you imagine how
emasculating that was for me

in that moment?

He, I watched, he didn't even
turn around for 10 seconds.

Maybe I just saw his
back shaking like this.

And then he just went, pow, pow.

I was like, Dave, I
did all that I could.

Two weeks later, he
raised my rent $50.

That was scary. It really
was. That was intense.

But it was nothing
compared to the hands down,

worst experience of my life.

The worst night
of my life. Okay?

I was in Amsterdam

with my girlfriend on
vacation a few years back.

And we came outta
the Van Gogh museum

and it was getting dark
out and we had no plans.

We said, what are
we gonna do tonight?

And by chance across the
street was the Amsterdam

Royal Concert Hall.

It was a beautiful
old landmark venue.

And right on the
marquee it said

tonight only the

Amsterdam Symphony with guest
vocalist, Rufus Wain Wright.

And I had heard his name.

I didn't know much about
him, never saw him before,

but I know he was some virtuoso.

Well like, look at this specific

to tonight in Amsterdam,
that's what we're gonna do.

So we run across the street
right before it started.

And we bought two tickets
and we're about to go in.

And my girlfriend says,
hun, we're in Amsterdam.

Why don't we go smoke a little
marijuana before we go in?

It'll be that much more fun.

Well, okay, but at the time,

I didn't smoke marijuana.

At the time.

And I was like, I don't
know. And she's like, well,

when would there be a more
perfect time to do it?

And I said, okay, I'm, you know,

I'll, I'll be a team player.

And so she runs
across the street

and she buys it
wherever you buy it.

And she runs back over
and she hands me a bag

and I take it out
and I light it.

And I took two of
the biggest hits

I have ever taken
in my entire life.

And immediately

I knew something was very wrong.

She goes, oh my God,
your face is pale white.

I said, I know. She
said, is there an issue?

I said, a big one. She
said, what's the matter?

I said, I can't feel my arms.

She's like, I'm
sure you'll be fine.

I said, I don't think
so. She said, why?

I said, because
it is progressing

and I can't feel my legs.

And then she's staring
back at me blankly.

And I was like, I need those.

She said, hun, calm
down. You're just high.

I said, no, I've been
high before in my life.

This does not feel like that.

I'm telling you, believe
me, something's very wrong.

And I looked down at the
baggie that I was holding

and it said heroin.

Yeah, I'm just kidding though.

But it did say hash

and I don't know what that
is, but I smoked that shit.

I smoked so much hash, I
don't even know what it is.

I know what a hash brown is.

But it wasn't a hash brown
because it was after 11:00 AM

She said, I think
we should go inside.

I said, really? I think
we should book a flight

and fly home tonight.

She said, no, why
don't we go inside?

I said, I don't think this
is a good idea any longer.

I am very unsettled. She
said, hun, you are with me.

Okay, I'll make sure you're
okay. You're just high.

I'll take care of you. I
promise. Let's go inside.

And then she took my
hand like she was my

sponsor and she led me in.

And I was just

no control over any
of these, right?

We get inside, we're
in a vestibule.

They handed out hot
wine. And their hot wine.

I never heard of hot wine
before. I slammed two.

Slammed two. She's not
looking out for me.

this woman.

10 feet away is the door

to the actual theater.

We walk in there, I look
up, I go, we made a mistake.

It is gorgeous in there.
There is crystal chandeliers.

Everything is gold leaf.
The seats were velvet.

It was 1700 seats.

Everybody in there was
in a tux and a gown.

Your boy was in shorts,

Flip flops,

And a fanny pack.

I was a
taurist that day, you know?

And I was like, I can't
do this. I'm mortified.

And she was like, babe,
when the lights go down

and we're sitting in our
seats, nobody's gonna notice.

I think we should go sit
down. And I said, really?

'cause I think we should book
a flight and fly home tonight.

And I just take her
hand and I go to my seat

and I'm like,
skews, skews, skews.

And I get to my seat and I turn,

and the second my
ass hit the velvet,

I went, we need to leave now.

I wanna explain
something to you guys.

This is hands
down, the scariest,

worst experience
of my entire life.

No, nothing was funny
about it. It was it.

I have trauma from this. Okay?

The only way I could explain
to you how I felt was

that I felt like I was having
a million thoughts at a time.

I couldn't process any of it.

I didn't understand
what was real or not.

And I felt like I was
going crazy and drowning

and suffocating in
my own thoughts.

So laugh it up.

And just understand this,

every single thing that I said
to my girlfriend, in my heart

of hearts, I believed.

So I turned to her and I
said, we need to leave now.

And she said, why?

And I said, 'cause everybody
in here is trying to kill me.

She said, huh?

I said, everybody
in here wants me dead.

She starts laughing.

Do you know how infuriating
it is when you think

that 1,700 people
are targeting you

and the one person you're
with is having a chuckle?

I was like, why
are you laughing?

She said, 'cause it's
funny. I said, it's funny.

I said, you know what I'm
telling you, it's a courtesy.

In a couple of seconds,
I'm gonna stand up.

I'm gonna scream at the top
of my peak physical ability,

and I am going to run away.

Okay? I'm telling
you, as a courtesy,

I kept saying that
to her over and over.

I'm telling you as a courtesy,

like I'm some great guy.

She goes, you're not gonna
do that. I go, yes I am.

And I'll tell you another thing.

A woman in a wheelchair has
situated herself in the aisle.

We just came down,

she's blocking
it and I'm not gonna die.

So if I had to get past her

and I can't, something may
happen between me and her.

She said, what? I said,
well, it's either her or me.

She said, no, it's not. You're
not gonna touch that woman.

I said, yes I am.

And I leaned in for
dramatic effect, I guess.

And I went, and I've
already made peace with it.

And in that moment,

the lights went
down, the symphony came out

with Rufuss, and they
started the concert.

And I was stuck there. Okay?

And I don't know if you've
ever heard him sing before.

This was my first
time hearing him.

His voice was other worldly.
It was, it was like angelic.

It really was something special

that I hadn't heard before.

And so immediately I started,
you know, to cry hard.

And as I'm crying, I feel
my throat start to close up.

It starts to constrict.

It's getting very coarse
and it starts to hurt.

And I couldn't swallow. My
tongue felt like sandpaper.

It was really scary.

I like had no
moisture in my inside.

And I turned to her and I
went, they, they poisoned me.

She said, what? I
said, they poisoned me.

She's like, who do you
think poisoned you?

I said, these people.

She said, how do you think
these people poisoned you?

I said,

The hot wine.

She said, babe, I had
the hot wine. I said,

you're next.

I was processing real grief.

She said, babe, you, you
probably have dry mouth.

Why don't you go
in your fanny pack

and get yourself a Ricola?

I carry them.

So I looked
down at my fanny pack,

which a moment ago
was at my feet.

And I gotta tell you, Chicago,

my fanny pack was
probably 650 feet down.

Okay? I'm just staring
at it for minutes.

Like, who am I supposed to get

down there?

I'm only a man. This a 10
to 15 man job with a ladder.

And it took minutes, but
I, I finally was like,

I have an idea, I'll reach.

And I threw my hand down

and I watched my arm extend

650 feet.

Took 11 minutes. I was
watching a concert like this.

Finally, I get down
there, I grasp it.

Now I gotta come back up,

double the time.

I get the fanny pack up here.

I take out a Ricola,

it's individually wrapped.

This poses another problem.

I'm holding the thing
right here looking at it.

I'm like, how am I supposed to
penetrate this military grade

wrapper?

I'm dying. I need
this lemon laws.

After minutes. I go, you know
what though? You know what?

In order to unwrap it, I'm
gonna have to unwrap it.

And I go to unwrap it
and it sounds like this.

It goes,

and I was like,

because I have to
keep a low profile

because 1,700 people
want to kill me.

And I freaked out.
I'm like, there's,

there's no way this could
have came from

my Ricola wrapper.

And I'm looking around and no
one's really looking at me.

And so I'm like, I
gotta do this again,

because the poison is,

I'm almost a goner.

So I go to unwrap
it again slowly.

And I'm like,

and it went,

And I went, everybody mad.

And my girlfriend said, what?
I said, everybody here mad.

She said, what are you
talking about? Why?

I said, on account of my Ricola.

She said, I don't know
what you're talking about.

And in that moment
from the stage,

Rufus Wainwright finished
singing his first song.

So it's been about four minutes.

And, and he addresses
the audience

for the very first time
with his non-singing voice.

And he goes like
this, hello Amsterdam.

And I was like,
what is going on?

His singing voice didn't
match his regular voice.

And I did not have
the mental capacity

or fortitude to understand
that in that moment.

And I freaked out.

I turned to the old man next

to me, had white
hair, blue talk.

I went, is he gay?

He is gay. He's a
famous out gay man.

Everybody in the
theater knew that

but me, the old man knew it.

And so he shot me a
look like I was a lunatic.

And it freaked me out. I
went, Why? Why? Am I gay?

I asked the old
man if I was gay.

And I know, I know
some of you'll like,

you didn't ask him
if you were gay.

Yes, I fucking did.

I smoked Hash.

I promise you Chicago,
in that moment,

I did not know who gay.

And as I'm asking him in my
head, I look to the stage

and Rufus Wainwright

went, Ricola.

And I turned to my
girlfriend. I go,

that must be a code word.

We have to leave now.

And she's like, it's the
first song I'm not leaving.

And I was like, I
will always love you.

Skews, skews,
skews, skews, skews.

And I get to the aisle

and I see that woman
in the wheelchair

and I start running to her.

And I know I'm not
gonna get past her.

So right before I magically

pumped the brakes
and I went move.

And she went, huh?
And I went, huh?

And then I threw
my Ricola at her.

I hit her right
off the left tit.

I hit her right off
the left tit with a Ricola.

I hit the woman
in the wheelchair

right off the LT with the R

Burst through the
doors of the theater.

I'm outside hyperventilating.

I'm like 30 seconds later,
my girlfriend comes out.

I said, take me to the
hospital. She said, calm down.

I said, no. I told you
I was very unsettled.

She said, hun, calm down.
Take this water and drink it.

Let the cold air hit your
face for two minutes.

If you still feel this
way in two minutes,

I promise you it's on me

and I will take you
to the hospital.

Okay? And I said, fine.

She said, why don't you
go in your fanny pack

and get yourself a Ricola?

I carry them.

So I go in my

fanny pack to get a
Ricola and there was none.

There never was.

What was in my fanny pack.

Little totes umbrella,

a couple of room keys,

and condoms.

Fine Chicago fine.

But you all understand

that this means

that odds are high.

That I threw a condom at
the woman in the wheelchair.

I was feverishly
trying to open a condom

during this man's performance

while asking the old man
next to me, sir, who is gay?

Am I gay? Is he gay?

I need to know right
away who is gay.

You guys are amazing, man.
Wow. Thank you so much.

Thank you guys. Thank you.

I, I love my job.

I'm so happy to be here.

I feel so lucky to
be here. Really.

I love you. Thank you guys.

I will say, I will
say there are some

of the greatest
comedians in the world

that get on this
stage every night.

And they tackle these very edgy,

way more controversial
subjects night

after night with no safety
net, for better or for worse.

Knowing that these days

it could be risky
to their careers.

And it's not easy.

It's not easy to get up here

and take really big swings
at very touchy subjects

and make it funny.

And it's a really
important thing.

And I just want to give, give
it up for those comedians

that come on the stage
every night and do that.

Yeah,

for real.

But I'm not that guy.

I'm more of a silly
goose you know,

Come to my show. I tell
you stories about my life.

You go outside, I push into
the bushes, we all go home.

But I do have
controversial opinions.

I just never bring
them to the stage.

But this is my special

and even more so
this is Chicago.

And I couldn't ask
more from you guys.

So if you guys are cool with
it, if you're cool with it,

I'd like to get into some
serious shit right now.

Yeah. Yes, yes. Alright.

Let me just say this. This
is not in my wheelhouse,

so I have to preface
it with this.

If I say something
that offends one of you

and you feel you
need to leave, leave

and I do not say
that Contentiously,

I say it genuinely supportively.

I would do the same. You should

listen to anything
you don't want to.

I respect it. I promise
you I would even help you

get your money back.

But all I'm saying is if
somebody else is enjoying it,

let's not police each other

and tell each other what
we can and can't enjoy.

Is that fair Chicago?

Continental Breakfast
is a real piece of shit.

Yeah, it's okay. If you
need to leave. Leave, okay.

Because it's way more
continental

than it is breakfast.

And I don't even know
what continental means,

but it has never not
failed to disappoint me.

You ever check into a
hotel? They're like,

there's free breakfast
down here in the morning.

I'm like, oh my God. Yes.

They're like, it's continental.

I'm like, I hope you and your
family get into a car accident

because all it is
is Earl Gray tea.

Don't you put me on the elevator

at 7:00 AM for Earl Gray.

If you need to leave, leave,

I'm gonna keep hitting you
with the hard hitting topics.

Other comics will not touch.

Radio Shack closed down.

I'm fine with it. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry if I'm offending.

But this is how you
start a dialogue.

You think the woman from
Chicago stuck with me.

I hadn't experience in a shack
10 years ago. 10 years ago.

I walk into a shack, there
was nobody in there

as per usu.

I walk in this one worker
behind the counter.

Are you getting what I'm saying?

I walked into the structure.

I doubled the amount of people

I make a beeline to the register

I say, excuse me Miss,
do you have CD ROMs?

She looked me in
the face and went,

he said CD ROMs.

I was like, who the
fuck are you talking to?

Are you making fun of
me to my face to no one?

This CD ROM purchase gonna
keep the lights on in here.

Two years later, they
went outta business.

I don't think it's
a coincidence.

If you need to leave, leave,

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just getting warmed up.

I got a bone to pick with
all of you. Yeah, yeah.

You thought you were
safe. You're not

because you're all
guilty of something

and I really, I really, I
really have had enough of it.

Okay? And this is
what you guys do.

And don't tell me you don't.

You just all go about your lives

and you walk around every day

and you all, you all
agree to act like the,

like the first two rounds

of Family Feud actually
means something.

They don't, everyone knows
third round is triple points

for all the marbles.

Nothing matters in the
first two rounds. Okay?

If you can't take
this heat, I'm sorry,

but you all were warned.

Your family can win the feud
without answering one single

correct question as long

as you steal the
very last question.

What kind of snake
oil shit is that?

You don't even have
to watch Family Feud.

You could tune in with
the one minute left

and see all you need to see

Steve Harvey has the
grandmother June name a

food that has the
word cheese in it.

June's like cheesecake
ding cheesecake.

And now the Calhouns
are going home

with 5K they don't deserve.

Yes, the grandmother's name
is June Calhoun. Get over it.

Would anyone like their
money back?

Suck it. I lied.

Yeah, I will get 'em.
Thank you so much.

I'll tell you another thing I
don't like about Family Feud.

The celebration by these
families at the end

of the fast money round, it
doesn't match the winnings.

The families need to tone down
the show voting right away.

We got game shows
giving away millions.

This damn show has been the
same price for 23 years.

I looked it up.

It's $20,000 split

amongst five grown adults,

taxed.

Plus hotel and airfare,

these families are coming on
the feud,

they're dominating.

Everybody's losing a few
hundred dollars.

They're kicking their heels off.

Guys are flicking each
other in the nuts.

Steve Huffys doing
the Dunky for 1900.

While we're on the topic of
game shows,

the price is right.

I don't like the $1 nonsense.

Play the game the way the
game was meant to be played.

Don't cheat. Okay,

thanks.

I'll tell you what I don't
like even more than that.

Even more.

This

600

601, fuck you.

Say 625, 630, have a
little faith in yourself

Let this woman have her
washer, dryer combination

I'm already home sick from
work. I don't need this.

I wanna make a pact
with you right now.

I want to bond all of us in
this room right now, okay?

And I'm dead serious. I
am dead serious. Okay?

Listen to me because I'm looking

at you guys right in your face.

I see all of you. I see you.

I'm looking, you
right in the balls.

There is enough of us in here
that odds are maybe one day

Jesus blesses one of us

and we become a contestant
on The Price is Right.

If one of you ever,

ever becomes a contestant
on the Price is Right

and somebody 601 someone,

you fucking 602, that person.

Thank you Chicago, I love you.

Thank you so much.
Thank you guys.

Thank you. I'll
always remember that.