Original subtitles

Hey, ladies and gentlemen,

for the first time ever

in her new part-time job

in the Public Health

Department at City Hall, it's

Ann Meredith Perkins! Yay!

Leslie, this is so nice!

I put a poisonous gas

in one of these balloons,

so if any of them pops,

you may die.

No, April,

we would all die.

Gases fill the volume

of whatever container

they're in.

School.

We have activities every hour

on your first day.

10:00 am, "Ann's first

day waffle explosion."

11:00 a.m.,

"The start-paperwork

jamboree."

And then 12:00 noon sharp

is the inaugural

"D-Ann-ce Party."

Welcome to City Hall,

cupcake!

How many of you

are in here?

There's seven.

And you have an office mate.

His name is Stuart,

and he's kind of a grouch.

I have an office mate?

Get these balloons

out of here.

Hi, I'm Ann.

Hey.

Just to let you know,

I gave the senior center

project to Donna.

Sounds good.

The meeting's at 2:00?

Yes. Conference room "C".

Okay. I think

at some point,

you and I should

probably make out

with each other.

Yeah, good call.

The best part of

any relationship

is the beginning.

No problems, no fights.

Just white wine, cuddling,

and crazy amounts

of History Channel

documentaries.

Hey, we should

take separate cars to

the restaurant tonight.

Chris is deadly

serious about this...

I know.

I just don't wanna

talk about it, okay?

I'll see you tonight.

Okay. By the way,

I have a meeting with

Marlene Griggs-Knope.

Is that any relation?

No.

Oh, okay.

Just a coincidence.

We get it all the time.

We laugh about it.

But I've never met her.

She's Filipino.

Okay, bye.

Why don't you just tell Ben

she's your mother?

Because Ben and I

are in this amazing

little bubble right now,

and there's

no room in here

for Chris' stupid

rules about us not dating

or my ball-busting mother.

Leslie, I'm sorry,

but I don't think you

thought this through.

You know what I should do?

I should get my mother

a one-way ticket to London,

leaving today.

And that way,

Ben never has to meet her

and I could

visit her in London.

Everybody wins.

What if he sees

a picture of her

on your desk?

What if Marlene says,

"Hey, have you met

my daughter, Leslie?

"She works in

the Parks Department."

Stuart, please,

could you give us,

like, 45 minutes?

It's my office, too.

Stuart.

That guy was rude.

I feel that some

structural changes

could really unlock

this department's potential.

Jerry.

Mmm?

I believe you are

capable of much more.

I'm not.

Nonsense.

Look in the mirror.

Huh?

You are an intelligent,

charismatic,

beautiful superhero.

I'm making you head

of Public Relations,

which means you'll be leading

the daily briefing sessions.

Excellent idea.

This is my favorite part

about having

a new city manager.

They always try

to shake things up,

and their ideas are terrible,

and it brings City Hall

to a grinding halt.

I just grab a few donuts,

sit back, and enjoy the show.

April, you are

too valuable

to just be

Ron's assistant.

So from now on,

you are a multitasking

executive aide,

assisting

the entire office.

Is this a nightmare?

April, wake up.

Tom, I just wanna say

that you are

a wonderful employee

and a terrific human being.

Meeting adjourned!

Tom.

I enjoy you.

You know what else I enjoy?

Your entrepreneurial spirit.

I did recently sell

my Chronicles of Riddick DVD

on eBay for $10.

Used the profits

to buy the Blu-ray.

That's terrific.

I have an amazing project

for someone

of your talents.

You are going to digitize

the entire city archives

up on the fourth floor.

No! I hate the fourth floor!

Last time I was up there,

I saw someone buy crystal meth

out of a vending machine.

It's a bad place.

You won't be alone. Andy.

Starting now,

you are nobody's

shoeshine boy.

Starting now, you are

an administrative assistant.

For three weeks.

Then back to shoes.

Chris!

I wasn't super

paying attention

to what you just said

that we'll be doing,

but I will give

110 percent!

Well, as soon as

you repeat yourself

in a more interesting way.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing much. Since I'm here,

I just wanted to let you know

that Marlene

Griggs-Knope is my mom.

What? Why...

Also, she can be

cruel and difficult,

and she makes snap

judgments about people

that she holds on to

for a very long time.

And she's kind of a bully.

Okay! Go in there,

you're gonna be great.

God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. Here. Sorry!

Hello.

I'm Mr. Ben Wyatt.

Looks like you got

some shirt on your coffee.

Yeah. You know

what happened?

I spilled it,

but you know how it goes.

Fun anecdote.

The county school district

needs four new school buses.

I'm being stonewalled

by the board,

and I'm hoping your office

can help us out.

Okay.

Really? That's it?

Yeah. Actually, no. It...

It's probably not possible.

Then I'm confused, Ben,

because you just

told me it was.

Five seconds ago.

I got a second box of donuts,

if anybody...

What the is this?

This, Mr. Director,

is your new desk.

Okay.

This desk is the epitome

of the Swedish

concept of jämställdhet,

or "equality."

Imagine someone

needs your attention.

Somebody say my name.

Chris.

Swivel! What is it, Jerry?

You told me

to say your name.

And you did

a great job, superstar.

Someone else

say something.

You look like a freak.

Swivel!

April, that is not

a very good attitude.

I will keep my eye on you

from my circular desk

where I can see everything.

Tiny swivel.

See how it works?

What about my office

and its many walls?

That becomes a new

public waiting room.

And we got rid of

that giant pillar

that was in front

of your door.

I loved that pillar.

It made it really annoying

to stand in my doorway.

Well, get over it,

because it's gone.

You're gonna be more

accessible than ever.

The fourth floor.

Small claims court,

divorce filings,

state-ordered drug tests.

It's somehow both

freezing and humid.

There's a whole room

on the fourth floor

where they store the knives

they've confiscated

from people

who went to the fourth floor

to stab someone.

You from Parks and Rec?

Yeah.

I'm here to

show you around.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

What's your name?

Ethel Beavers.

Follow me.

Okay, this is you.

Oh, wow!

Double computers?

I get my own

office phone.

Hello, Wall Street.

Buy more stocks. Now.

This phone kind of

smells like a butt.

Try not to move

things around.

Because technically speaking,

this is still a crime scene.

Here's your name tags.

Here.

Ethel, this shirt is

from Theory.

Name tags make holes.

I'm not wearing this.

Do what you want.

Bye, Ethel!

Damn it.

Remind me next time

to ask her where she was

when Lincoln got shot.

"Remind...

Tom... Ask... Something."

You got it, boss.

Hey! Somebody made

somebody a mix!

And I definitely

heard your feedback

from last time,

so I only put five

Sarah McLachlan songs

on this one.

Cool. Should we talk about

how you claimed your mom

was a Filipino woman

you'd never met?

Should we?

I was just trying to

delay the inevitable.

If this turns

into something real,

then we are gonna have

to deal with Chris' rule,

and parents,

and annoying flossing habits,

and a lot of un-fun stuff.

But not yet.

I just want to

enjoy the bubble

for a little while.

I'm sorry.

Everything's good?

No, it's not.

I was completely flustered.

I came off like an idiot.

I mean,

at one point,

for no reason,

I just took off my shoes

and held them in my hand.

I'm gonna go ask her

how it went, and I bet

she loved you.

I loved him!

He's a total pushover.

Very odd guy, though.

He's like a goofy,

spineless jellyfish.

Why do you ask,

sweetheart?

No reason.

Don't worry about it.

It's totally fine.

No, it's not fine.

What if she starts

going around telling people

I'm a pushover?

No one's gonna

believe that.

When I first met you,

I thought you were

a fascist hard-ass.

What?

A cute fascist hard-ass,

but still,

you give off a very...

Education Department

now officially requesting

10 school buses.

I thought they

only wanted four.

Well, now that I'm a pushover,

why not ask for 10, or 20,

or 100 new school buses

and a fleet of school yachts?

How about that?

Here's what we're gonna do.

You are gonna tell me

everything there is

to know about your mom.

And I'm gonna

have another meeting

with her,

and we're gonna

have it out.

Or we could go to Belize

and go scuba diving.

And we could look

at the whale sharks.

You're certified, right?

Let's get you certified.

April, do you have

that usage report

that I asked for?

Anything for you, Jerry.

Thank you.

Oh, come on. Why?

Excuse me.

There's a sign at Ramsett Park

that says "Do not drink

the sprinkler water,"

so I made sun tea with it,

and now I have an infection.

Sir?

Sir, are...

Are you listening

to me, sir?

Sir, I'm talking to you!

Sir!

Sir, are you aware

that there is waste

in your water system?

Okay, you need to be strong,

powerful, decisive.

This is not a meeting.

It's a battle.

Normal meeting rules

do not apply.

I'll be my mom

and I'm gonna be

very harsh with you,

and it's only

because I like you a lot.

Okay.

Go!

Hello.

Wrong.

What?

No preambles.

No introductions.

Just walk in

and start talking.

I'd like to discuss

the new school bus.

I'd like to discuss

your rhyming, Dr. Seuss.

And you should

be sitting by now.

What?

Just walk in

and take a seat.

Um...

"Um" is the sound in "dumb."

That's what she

says to people.

And now you've

crossed your legs

like a woman.

God! Okay,

should we just

start over?

No. No,

we need to put

a pin in this.

Here is a list of

my mother's top 100 favorite

conversation topics,

starting with Persian rugs,

ending with Daniel Craig.

You have 10 minutes

to memorize it.

Deliverance, the movie?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, God.

So Jerry is,

like, basically

my boss now,

which I'm never

gonna work for him.

Ron's trapped in

this weird desk prison,

and I now work at this

traveling IV station.

This Mort Jansen's office?

Nope.

Tell Mort I said

"Your move."

Oh, my God.

I wanna work up here

with you guys.

This is awesome.

How many more of

those stupid documents

do you have to scan?

Just this one,

and all the ones

in those boxes.

I gotta get out

of here pronto.

Time to get those old ladies

to do my work for me.

How? By shining down on them

with the Haverford charm ray.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Ethel Beavers.

What's up, beautiful?

Julianne Moore just called.

She wants her hair back.

Nobody named Julien called.

Never mind.

I just need to ask you

a couple of questions.

One, can you help me out

with this project we're doing?

And, two,

will you please invite me

to your 30th birthday party?

What are you doing?

I'm making a test call

to your phone to make sure

it's working

so you don't miss

any more calls.

You know what?

Don't bother.

Maybe I'll just

find an open window

and plummet to my death.

Okay.

This isn't gonna work.

Okay,

you did not just swivel away

while I was talking to you.

This spaceship keyboard is

driving me crazy.

I'm down to one word a minute,

and the word is

"perflipisklup"

because I can't

fly spaceships.

Donna, you know

as well as I do

these city manager shakeups

always peter out.

You just have to wait.

Usually I'm with you.

But this is Chris Traeger,

the six million dollar man.

He won't quit.

So you need to swivel

your ass down to his office

and have a word with him.

Mommy.

Oh!

That is so thoughtful

of you.

Of course!

I just figured, hey,

why not put my mother

in a good mood?

So, it's my understanding

that despite what I said

in our meeting,

you have somehow

increased your request

for more school buses.

Excuse me,

but I'm having coffee

with my daughter.

Maybe we could do

this another time.

No, we're gonna

talk about this now.

Or if you'd prefer,

I could put a permanent freeze

on the education budget.

It's your call.

Wow, maybe you

should talk to him, Mom.

He seems pretty self-assured.

There's nothing left.

It's over.

Hey, hey, hey, don't say that.

Now, come on.

Get yourself together

and go out there

and be the woman

you always knew you could be.

Thank you so much.

Who was that?

I don't know.

I saw her crying,

and so I helped.

What did you wanna

talk to me about?

Look, Chris,

I'm very flattered

you thought of me

for this amazing opportunity,

but I don't really know

if this gig is

in my wheelhouse.

I tend to work best

with young, attractive people.

Tom, I have made you

a project leader.

This is a big deal!

You should keep

an open mind.

Let your brain unlock the door

to your heart's future.

I made that expression up

when I was 14.

Still in use today.

By me. Gotta jam.

You know what?

It's just not possible.

And don't even bother

trying to outflank me either,

because you will fail.

Where did all this

confidence come from

all of a sudden?

Hey, guys, come on.

Let's relax.

You know, Ms. Griggs-Knope...

Marlene.

There's probably

a compromise here.

Compromise is usually

a sign of weakness.

Yes, it is, according to

Andrew Carnegie.

But your demands remind me

of a different quote,

from the great

Bill Watterson.

"You need a lobotomy.

I'll get a saw."

I love Calvin and Hobbes.

Me, too!

I gotta say,

this is some of my best work.

This could not

have gone better.

They are really

hitting it off.

Thank God. Crisis averted.

Well, I am very glad

you came back up here.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah...

So you have a deal.

Well, let me

mull everything over,

and then we can reconnect

and hash things out.

It might get rough,

but that can be fun.

Ben can handle it.

Yep, I can.

Okay, great.

It was a pleasure.

Oh! Mmm-hmm.

What's so great is,

she was impressed

by you, too.

I mean, you could

tell instantly.

The way you guys

were connecting

was really amazing.

Now, what I'm thinking

is that maybe

we should go over

to her house...

You two are just

the cutest things

on four legs!

But why so much black?

It's like you're

going to a funeral.

She's got a point, babe.

So, marry her then.

I wish!

Hey, sorry to

interrupt the love fest,

but can you hand me

that folder there,

please, Ethel?

Oh, great.

Why you gotta be

like that, Ethel?

Looks like someone got up

on the wrong side of the crib.

Stop laughing, Muriel.

Stop it!

I gotta say,

I'm a genius.

The only thing my mom loves

more than music boxes

is McSteamy from

Grey's Anatomy.

So, I made her

a McSteamy-style music box,

and I thought maybe

you could give it to her.

She would love you for it.

I think maybe that's

not such a good idea.

Why? I mean,

it's not the best

picture of him, but...

Your mom kind of,

um,

made a pass at me.

So,

Webster's dictionary

describes a pork as a...

No, it's park... Park.

I'm sorry. Geez, okay. So...

You know what,

can we start over?

Let's... Let's go

from the first thing.

I said, pork, which...

By the way,

they have

a great pork sandwich

in the cafeteria today.

Ron Swanson.

Chris.

You have come up with a plan

so spectacularly horrible

that it might ruin

the entire department.

Now, wait a minute.

I mean that

as a compliment.

So, it pains me

to say this.

My department has to go back

to the way it was.

Give them time.

They'll adjust.

No, they won't.

They're miserable.

Tom only performs

when there's someone

to impress,

so marooning him

on Freak Island

isn't helping anyone.

And you made April

assistant to everyone?

You know who April hates?

Everyone.

And Jerry can only function

if no one's looking.

You shine a light on him,

and he shrinks up faster

than an Eskimo's scrotum.

Well, that's

very perceptive, Ron.

And, very graphic.

I understand your point,

but there's no way

that I can just

roll over on this.

Okay.

You won't ever hear

me say this again,

so savor this moment.

I may have a compromise.

Look, she was just

flirting a little.

I'm sure she's not

really interested in me.

Oh, my God.

I can't even have

this conversation.

The whole thing

is screwed up now.

There's so many ways

to destroy a bubble,

but my mom

flirting with you is

number one on the list.

And I'm sorry,

I have to say this,

were you asking

for it in any way?

No!

How were you dressed?

Oh, my God.

I was wearing this.

Here's what we do.

You issue

a government-wide memo

about sexual harassment,

and then you go to Mexico.

Just for

a couple of weeks.

Where are you going? Ben!

Ben! Wait. Just... Hey...

Hi, Mom.

Hi again.

Leslie and I are dating.

We haven't told anyone

because there's a rule

against office relationships.

But it's happening.

I'm sorry we didn't tell you

before you touched my knee,

and I trust you

won't tell anyone now

since it could get

your daughter fired.

That is hilarious.

That's what

we thought, too.

Well...

Four buses.

Two.

Deal.

I like this one.

Me, too.

You keep your hands off him.

Margaret's pecan squares.

They are like crack.

I brought you one.

How are you so

happy working here?

I don't know, man.

It's not that bad.

A year ago, I lived in a pit.

Now I got a job,

and a kickass wife.

And my band is so good,

and are you gonna eat

that pecan square?

When life gives you lemons,

make lemonade.

I read that once on

a can of lemonade.

But I like to think

that it applies to life.

I don't want lemonade.

It's too sweet

and it makes my

tongue feel gritty.

So maybe it's

time for a change.

Starting now,

when life gives me lemons,

I'm gonna slice

them up into wedges

and throw them

into vodka tonics,

which I will then sip

in a burlesque nightclub

that I co-own

with actor Taye Diggs

and two of the Pussycat Dolls.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Kind of figured

you'd be back in

your office by now.

Well, you know how

new city managers are.

Seems like everyone

else is back to normal.

How long do you

have to do this?

A week.

Citizen request.

Swivel, swivel, swivel.

Hello. I can

help you in here, sir.

Oh, man, you're really

screwing this up.

I'm gone for one day

and this entire shoe

shine stand falls apart.

Everything I built.

Jump up here.

I'll show you

how it's done.

See, your problem is

you're thinking too much.

Wow. You're

really good at this.

Yes. I am.

When I come back

here in a few weeks,

I don't want all

my regular customers

to not be here waiting for me

because somebody

screwed it up.

Huh?

Thanks.

No problem.

See you later, kid.

Wow.

What a moron.