Original subtitles

Hey, Leslie.

Hey.

Thank you for

that year-over-year

maintenance cost analysis.

That was really helpful.

You're so welcome.

I was thinking about you

when I wrote it.

'Cause I was, um...

'Cause I told you

I wanted to read it?

Yeah.

That's a good reason.

Anyway, Chris wants to

see us in his office.

I guess we should

head over there.

All right.

All right, cool.

Great.

See you there.

I'll see you there,

Benjamin. Ben.

All right, "Lesliemin."

Leslie.

Hi, Ben.

Oh, hey, Ann.

Wow! That was

the most sexual tension

I have ever seen

in a conversation

about documents.

It can't happen.

We could both get fired.

That's a dumb rule.

I know!

Well, if you

have to follow it,

I would just suggest

avoiding one-on-one,

tension-y situations with him.

You're right. Good plan.

I am sending

you two on a trip.

Really?

The Indiana Little League

Baseball Tournament

is upon us,

and Pawnee hasn't

hosted it in 20 years.

So, I would like you two

to go to Indianapolis

and state our case,

because you two

are my dynamic duo.

Right here. Ah...

Ah...

And go team!

Yep.

Ann, everything

you have is too sexy.

This is actually the dress

that Julia Roberts wore

as a prostitute

in Pretty Woman.

I know.

I look really good in it.

I need, like,

a sweat suit or something.

I need to send out a signal

that nothing is gonna happen.

Oh, this is insane.

It's so obvious you're

dying to be together.

And now you're

going on a road trip?

I mean, you guys could

literally "get a room."

Yeah, and I could

literally get "a-fired."

All right, I will

help you anti-seduce him.

Just tell me

what else you need.

I need to think of unsexy,

boring conversation topics

we can talk about in the car.

I have a few ideas.

We could discuss

The New Yorker article

"The History of the Ladder."

Okay.

We could talk

about different dorms

at Johns Hopkins University,

and I could read from

my Sonicare booklet.

Oh, I have a good idea!

What?

Why don't you ask him

about his penis?

Pawnee Zoo,

monkey speaking.

Okay! Everyone stop

what you're doing

and come with me.

All four of you.

Where are you going?

Leslie's not here today.

No boss. We can do

whatever we want.

I'm your boss.

That's a good one, Ron.

Let's go. Seriously.

Come on.

Here's the sitch.

I developed

a dope new game show

where I ask couples

scandalous questions,

and they have to guess

what the other one answered.

I call this Know Ya Boo.

Oh, that sounds like

The Newlywed Game.

Shut up, Jerry! It's not

The Newlywed Game, okay?

It is totally

The Newlywed Game.

But big deal.

Everyone steals.

My favorite movie is

Love Don't Cost a Thing,

with Nick Cannon,

which is based on

Can't Buy Me Love,

which is based on

Kramer vs. Kramer

or something,

which I think was Shakespeare.

Don't know, don't care.

And what exactly

do you plan on doing

with this game show idea?

Are you going to

shove it up your butt?

No.

I'm gonna test it out

on you four bing-bongs

and work out the kinks,

then hire actual

attractive people,

and make a demo.

What network is

gonna buy a game show

from you?

There's a million

networks out there,

and they all need programming.

Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse,

WOW, Boom, Zip, Kablam,

Slurp, Slurp Latin,

Slurp HD.

I love Slurp HD.

Have you guys seen

Ultimate Battle Smoothie?

That's a dope show.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, so, basically

every dorm allows bed lofting,

but the students

have really taken to it

at Wolman and McCoy.

Did you go to Johns Hopkins?

No.

Do you wanna play

some music?

Sure! Ann and I

burned an awesome CD

for the trip.

Jimmy Carter's

"Crisis of Confidence" speech,

Learning to Speak Mandarin,

16 minutes of

Old Timey Car Horn,

and something called

Banjo Boogie Bonanza.

It's an amazing instrument,

the banjo.

Yeah. I didn't realize

it could be this loud.

Hello?

Hello?

Can I help you?

Hi. My class is here

on a field trip,

and I'm supposed

to interview someone

for a school project.

Okay.

You can wait at that table,

and someone will

be here sometime.

But aren't you here now?

No.

It's time

to know your...

I don't have

the instrumental

backing track yet,

but it's gonna say

"boo" right there.

Hey, everybody!

Welcome to Know Ya Boo.

I'm your host, Tom Haverford,

and with me as always

is my CGI puppy co-host,

Bobby the Boo!

Hey, everybody!

All right, let's get to it.

First question.

Fellas, which rock star

would your lady bang

if she could bang

one rock star?

Jerry!

I believe I have heard Donna

talk about Prince, a lot.

What'd your boo say?

Impressive!

All right, Andy,

which rock star

would your lady get with?

Um, this is almost

too easy. Me!

Let's check in

with your boo!

Yay!

Oh!

Sorry.

Who is Jeff Mangum?

The guy from

Neutral Milk Hotel.

Oh! Oh.

Neutral Milk Hotel.

What is that?

That's my favorite band.

I've told you that,

like, a thousand times.

I don't remember.

Why wouldn't you pick me?

I don't know. You're not

technically a rock star.

Booyah!

Somebody

don't know their boo!

That's the sound bite

that's gonna play

when a fight breaks out.

Look, little girl,

can we postpone this

for another day?

It's unsettling

having you just sit there.

But my report's due tomorrow.

What's it on?

Why government matters.

Really?

It's never too early to learn

that the government

is a greedy piglet

that suckles on

a taxpayer's teat

until they have

sore, chapped nipples.

I'm gonna need

a different metaphor

to give this nine-year-old.

What's your name, ma'am?

Lauren Burkiss.

Lauren,

my name is Ron Swanson,

and I'm gonna tell you

everything you need to know

about the miserable,

screwed-up world

of local government.

You have mustard

in your mustache.

Don't sass me, Burkiss.

Let's get started.

"Life, liberty, and property."

That's John Locke.

What is this?

Whale sounds.

Okay.

You can change it if you want.

Yeah?

What the hell?

Oh, no, no, no.

This is such a great song.

Yeah, I snuck

an Al Green song in there.

I want them to get together.

Sue me.

Did you see this?

According to their rules,

we may not have

enough hotel rooms

within city limits.

I know.

It's a silly rule.

But maybe

they'll be reasonable

and not care.

Yeah, maybe we could

just point out to them

there are tons of hotel rooms

just outside city limits.

Uh-huh.

Have you been to

the Granville Hotel and Spa?

Uh-uh.

They have the softest towels.

Oh, I gotta tell you.

I love a nice towel

in my life.

Me too. I know.

I mean,

it's the simplest luxury,

but it makes

all the difference.

Their bath mats are amazing.

It's like stepping on a lamb.

Oh, hold on.

Hey, come here.

You've got

an eyelash on your face.

I got it. Make a wish.

Learning to speak

Mandarin. Unit three.

Get away from me.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I'm allergic to fingers.

Where are you going?

Maybe we should just

not talk to each other

for the rest of the trip,

and I'm just gonna concentrate

on the presentation.

Okay.

This is my little brother.

Next up. The delegation

from Pawnee, please?

And, so,

as you can see,

Pawnee has 12 beautiful

baseball diamonds,

and our seats

have extra cushioning

due to the massive size

of our average citizen.

I have to bring up

what happened

the last time Pawnee

hosted this tournament.

No, you don't.

Good evening.

We begin with our

first story tonight.

They're cute, they're cuddly,

but now they're wreaking havoc

at the State Little

League Championship.

Pawnee's raccoon infestation.

Have these

little bandits stolen

our sense of safety?

The raccoon problem

is under control.

They have their

part of the town,

and we have ours.

Muncie is larger.

Bloomington is more central.

What's the advantage

of doing it in Pawnee?

The advantage is that

it's a wonderful city.

I mean, look, I've been

to 40-some-odd towns

in Indiana,

and Pawnee is special.

I mean, the people

are passionate and kind.

They love their city.

They take pride in their work.

It's a very,

very special place.

Hey, it's Tom Haverford

back here with Know Ya Boo.

Let's move to

the next question.

Where is your favorite place

to smush your boo?

Donna!

Back of my Benz?

Let's check in with your boo!

He said, "Her Mercedes"!

Jerry and Donna on fire.

April?

This question is gross.

That's kind of the point.

What's your answer?

In our bed, I guess.

Andy?

Where's your boo's

favorite place to smush?

Get over it.

No, you get over it.

You like some

other dude's band

more than me.

Do you even think Mouse Rat

is the greatest band

in the world?

'Cause it's starting

to not feel that way.

That band is

really important to me.

And, honestly,

I've asked you

to listen to them,

like, a million times,

and you never have, so...

'Cause their music is sad,

and depressing, and weird.

And art is supposed

to be happy and fun,

and everyone knows that.

You know what?

Whatever. Forget it.

Fine, forget it.

Damn! This game's got juice.

This is your lunch.

Now, you should be able to do

whatever you want to

with this, right?

If you wanna eat

all of it, great.

If you wanna throw it away

in the garbage,

that's your prerogative.

But here I come,

the government,

and I get to take

40 percent of your lunch.

And that, Lauren,

is how taxes work.

But that's not fair.

You're learning.

Uh-oh.

Capital gains tax.

Well, Chris says

congratulations

and that together

we're unstoppable.

Wow, cheers, sir!

Yup.

You did it.

No, you did it.

No, normally I do it.

This time, you did it.

Well, all right.

You should take the praise.

Can I get a shot

of you guys?

Yeah.

Sure.

Hey, when this thing's over,

do you wanna grab some dinner?

Chris recommended a place.

Sure.

Yeah?

Hey, we were thinking

about going to dinner,

photographer.

You want in?

You wanna grab some grub?

Uh, no, thanks.

They have great burgers.

Well, you don't even know

where we're going yet.

I'm sure they have great

burgers there, though.

Come on, photographer.

Last chance.

Okay. Well, then,

it's just us then.

Yeah.

Sure. Okay. I tried.

And that, Lauren,

is how FDR ruined

this country.

Lauren, ready to head back?

Well, I guess it's time

for you to head home.

I've really enjoyed

talking with you.

You are,

and this is not a joke,

much smarter than

most of the people

who work in this building.

I liked talking with you,

too, Mr. Swanson.

Ron.

Hang on, hang on,

I have something for you.

This is a Claymore land mine.

Use that to protect

your property.

Thanks, Ron.

You got it.

Tommy Hilfiger

iPhone app, finally.

Hey, your stupid

Know Your Boo game

made me and Andy

get in a big fight.

He just sold his guitar,

and he's, like,

quitting music now.

What do you want me

to do about it?

Okay, welcome to

the super awesome

bonus lightning round.

First question.

Andy, who did your boo say

makes the best mac and cheese

in the universe?

The universe?

Kraft?

April said...

Best couple ever.

You just won 50 points.

Wait, why?

We got it wrong.

Next lightning round thing.

Who is

the number one Colts fan

in the world?

Wait a minute.

You set this whole thing up

so I would be un-mad at you.

Well, guess what,

ain't gonna work.

You figured out

April's trying to trick you.

That's worth 100 points.

Wait. No.

Goodbye.

You were really great

in that presentation today.

Oh, thanks.

I liked the stuff

you said about Pawnee.

That was really nice to hear.

You know, Pawnee is

a really special town.

I love living there.

And...

And I look forward to

the moments in my day

where I...

Where I get to

hang out with the town

and talk to the town

about stuff.

And the town has

really nice blond hair, too,

and has read a shocking number

of political biographies

for a town, which I like.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

And I know we can

get into trouble,

but I can't take this anymore,

and I feel like we have to

at least talk about it.

I mean,

it's not just me, right?

No, it's not just you.

Oh, God.

What? Are you...

Are you all right?

Perfect.

I'm gonna go see a man

about some porcelain,

you know what I mean?

I'm not buying cocaine.

I'm going to the bathroom.

The whiz palace,

as I like to call it.

And I'm not calling Ann, so...

Ann, we have

a serious code Ben.

Well, it's not really code

if you say his name.

He told me that he liked me,

and I'm gonna go make out

with him right now.

On his face.

That's awesome!

No, no.

Read me the script.

Seriously?

Yes!

All right.

"Leslie, it's Leslie Knope

from the Parks Department

"speaking to you

through Ann Perkins,

friend and beautiful nurse."

Thank you.

"Do not do anything with Ben.

"Be responsible,

no matter how cute

his mouth is.

"Your job is on the line!"

Shut up, Ann!

You wrote that.

No, you...

Then, Leslie,

Leslie, you don't know

what you're talking about.

I care about him very much,

and I've had

two and a half glasses

of red wine,

and what that means

is I'm gonna go make out

with him right now,

and it's gonna be awesome.

Yay!

No, you're supposed

to talk me out of this.

No. Don't. Stop.

Shut up, Ann,

I'm doing it anyway.

Yay!

Leslie!

When Ben told me

that you had won the bid,

I was wildly ecstatic,

and I had to come up here

and celebrate with you.

There is literally

nothing in this world

that you cannot do.

So, what's the plan now?

Should we take a long walk?

Mini-golf.

I'll probably...

Shouldn't we just

go back to Pawnee?

Yeah.

Nonsense. There's

no reason to drive

all the way back home.

I've got

a perfectly good condo

right here in the city.

Oh, we couldn't

put you out like that.

Double nonsense.

I would love to

have you stay with me.

Leslie, you can take

the guest room,

and, Ben, you have to

sleep on my couch.

It is literally

the comfiest couch

you've ever been on.

This is weird.

We're on Chris' couch.

Yep, we are.

And I'm wearing his clothes.

Well...

Sorry, I keep myself

very well hydrated,

and my bladder is

the size of a thimble.

I urinate roughly

12 times a night.

I think I might go

to bed, too, actually.

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

Well, look...

Good job, again, today.

It was...

You, too.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, that was

quick and to the point.

Here's a tip.

The key to

a healthy urethra, radishes.

Good, I'm gonna go to bed.

Good night.

Well, now I'm up.

You wanna Boggle?

Are you Ron Swanson?

I am.

Okay, what exactly

did you teach my daughter?

You must be Mrs. Burkiss.

Lauren was

supposed to do a paper

on why government matters.

This is what she wrote.

"It doesn't." Well said.

Is this a joke?

No, ma'am.

I legitimately believe that.

I'm a libertarian.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, she is a fourth grader.

And fourth graders

aren't supposed to have

their heads crammed

full of weird ideas.

They're supposed

to do cute reports

and get gold stars.

I'm very sorry. I was only...

And you ate her lunch?

And you gave her

a land mine? Really?

Well, it seemed

appropriate at the time.

I...

How?

You know this is

my house, right?

Yeah, hi.

Do you wanna come in?

You okay?

No.

Andy is totally

mad at me right now,

and I don't know

how to deal with him.

So I thought I would ask you.

You know, Andy and I

broke up so long ago.

I don't think that I'd

be the best source to...

Please.

What happened?

He doesn't think

I like Mouse Rat.

All I said to him

was that this other band

was better,

but I don't know

why he got all mad,

because it's like

an indisputable fact

that they're better.

They're a real band.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Well, Andy just wants

you to be proud of him

and his music.

So, this isn't

really about being right.

It's more about

being supportive.

Oh, wow. I didn't

realize you were

a marriage counselor, Ann.

Sorry.

My instinct is

to be mean to you.

I understand.

O-M-G.

Leslie,

I read that same article.

"The History of the Ladder."

It's utterly fascinating.

Ben, you're gonna love this.

Really?

Do you know

that the original

image of a ladder

is in a cave

in Valencia, Spain,

drawn over 10,000 years ago.

Oh, my God.

How about some music?

This is amazing.

What is this?

Oh, man, I love this song.

The pit

Wait a minute.

You were in the pit

We all were in the pit

The pit

I was in the pit

You were in the pit

We all were in the pit

What is this?

Living out my dream.

Playing a show with

the greatest band ever.

That's my guitar.

You bought it back

from Shoeless Joe?

I actually stole it

from his office,

but whatever.

He's a weirdo.

Maybe April doesn't think

that we're the greatest

band in the world,

but, man, she loves me.

And I love her.

So, you know, who cares.

I got the greatest

wife in the world!

Stop.

We're married!

We're totally

gonna do it later!

Oh, my God.

Well, actually,

I think it's good

that Chris showed up,

'cause I wasn't

thinking clearly.

I love my job,

Ben loves his job,

and it's just

not worth the risk.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Chris just wanted me

to drop off these receipts.

Oh, well, he's not here.

He took off.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

All I'm saying is,

keep an open mind for a while.

Listen to your teachers

and read all

the books you can.

Then when you're 18,

you can drink, gamble

and become a libertarian.

The drinking age is 21.

I know. Another

stupid government rule.

So you'll write a new paper?

Yeah.

Can you autograph

this one for me?

Sure.