All language subtitles for Mr. Maher Goes to Washington Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

And now, for what I know
you've all been waiting for,

I'd like to give you
my book report on my visit

to the White House.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Okay, as you know,
12 days ago,

I had dinner
with President Trump,

a dinner that was set up
by my friend Kid Rock

because we share a belief

that there's got
to be something better

than hurling insults
from 3,000 miles away.

And let me first say that to all
the people who treated this

like it was some kind
of summit meeting,

you're ridiculous.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

Like I was going to sign
a treaty or something. I have--

I have no power.

I'm a fucking comedian,
and he's the most...

powerful leader in the world.

I'm not the leader of anything
except maybe a contingent

of centrist-minded people
who think there's got

to be a better way
of running this country

than hating each other
every minute.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

So... thank you.

So...

(CROWD CONTINUE APPLAUDING)

Okay, so meet up in person.
Maybe it'll be different.

Spoiler alert, it was.

First good sign before I left
for the Capitol,

I had my staff collect
and print out

this list of almost 60 different
insulting epithets

that the president
had said about me.

Things like "Stupid, dummy,
low-life dummy,

sleazebag, sick, sad,
stone-cold, crazy...

really a dumb guy,
furred like a dog,

his show is dead."

Sixty-- I brought this
to the White House

because I wanted him
to sign it.

Which he did.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

CROWD MEMBER 1: Yeah!

Which he did with good humor.

And I know as I say that,

millions of liberal sphincters
just tightened.

"Oh, my God, Bill,

are you gonna say
something nice about him?"

What I'm gonna do is report
exactly what happened.

You decide what
you think about it.

And if that's not enough
pure Trump hate for you,

I don't give a fuck.

CROWD MEMBER 2: Yeah!

So...

So no, I didn't go MAGA.

And to the president's credit,
there was no pressure to.

After we left the Oval Office,

he showed me the little room
off the office,

you know, the one
where Clinton used to...

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Okay.

The blowjob room, okay?

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Well, not anymore.

That's where they keep
the merch now.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

It is.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

And he gave me a bunch of hats,

but he didn't ask me
to take a picture in one,

which I appreciated.

The guy I met is not the person
who the night before the dinner

shit-tweeted a bunch
of nasty crap

about how he thought
this dinner was a bad idea

and what a deranged
asshole I was.

I read it and thought,
"Oh, what a lovely way

to welcome someone
to your house."

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

But when I got there,
that guy wasn't living there.

Now, does Trump want respect?

Of course. Who doesn't?

My friend said to me,

"What are you going to wear
to the White House?"

I said, "I don't know,
but I'm not going to dress

like Zelensky,
I'll tell you that."

(CROWD LAUGHS)

Just for starters, he laughs.

I'd never seen him laugh
in public, but he does,

including at himself.

And it's not fake.

Believe me,
as a comedian of 40 years,

I know a fake laugh
when I hear it.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

And I thank you for them.

Uh, no.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Okay, example.
In the Oval Office,

he was showing me
the portraits of presidents,

and he pointed
to Reagan and said,

in all seriousness,

"You know the best thing
about him? His hair."

I said, "Well, there was also

that whole bringing down
communism thing,

waiting for the button next
to the Diet Coke button

to get pushed
and I go through the trap door."

But no, he laughed, he got it.

I said to him at one point,

"Mr. President,
you know the dog,

that's unusual
in the White House."

He said, "Well,
a lot of the presidents,

they had a dog
for political reasons."

I said, "No, people love dogs,
that's what that is."

"Oh, yeah. Okay, that's true."

I'm telling you what happened.

At one point, we were walking
through his amazing,

it is an amazing tour
of the whole house.

And I don't remember exactly
what we were talking about,

but it must have been something
with the 2020 election

because I know he used
the word "lost."

And I distinctly
remember saying,

"Wow. I never thought
I'd hear you say that."

He didn't get mad.

He's much more self-aware
than he lets on in public.

Look, I get it.

It doesn't matter who he is

at a private dinner
with a comedian.

It matters who he is
on the world stage.

I'm just taking it as a positive
that this person exists

because everything I've ever
not liked about him was,

I swear to God, absent,

at least on this night
with this guy.

Bob, Kid Rock,
told me the night before,

he said, "If you want
to get a word in edgewise,

you're going to have
to cut him off.

He'll just go on." Not at all.

I've had so many conversations
with prominent people

who are much less connected,

people who don't look you
in the eye,

people who don't really listen

because they just want
to get to their next thing,

people whose response
to things you say

just doesn't track like, "What?"

None of that with him.

And he mostly steered
the conversation to,

"What do you think about this?"

I know. Your mind is blown.

So is mine.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

There were so many moments
when I hit him with a joke

or contradicted something,
and no problem.

At dinner, he was asking me

about the nuclear situation
in Iran in a very genuine,

"Hey, I think
you're a smart guy.

I want your opinion,"
sort of way.

And I said,

"Well, obviously, you're privy
to things about it I'm not.

But for what it's worth,
I thought the Obama deal

was worth letting play out,
because we made Iran

destroy 98 percent
of the uranium,

and they were 15 years away
from a bomb."

And then I said to him,
"But we got rid of that.

You got rid of that."

He didn't get mad
or call me a left-wing lunatic.

He took it in.

I told him I thought

parts of his plan for Gaza
were wacky,

but that I had supported him
in the idea

that Gaza could be Dubai
instead of hell.

I told him he was wrong
when he tweeted the night before

that I was critical
of all things Trump.

Not true. Check the tapes.

Moving Israel's embassy
to Jerusalem?

Loved it.

The border did need
to be controlled.

I'm glad the cops
are getting their morale back.

DEI had gone too far.

Biological men shouldn't
be playing women's sports.

Europe should pay
for their defense.

And of course, it makes sense

that Arab countries
should take in Arab refugees,

like the million Syrians
who wound up in Germany

when Saudi Arabia took none.

He said to me,
"You're right, they took none."

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I said, "Well, you should remind
your boyfriend in Saudi Arabia

that the next time you see him."

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

He laughed.

I never felt I had to walk
on eggshells around him.

And honestly, I voted
for Clinton and Obama,

but I would never feel
comfortable talking to them

the way I was able to talk
with Donald Trump.

That's just how it went down.

Make of it what you will.

Me, I feel it's emblematic
of why the Democrats

are so unpopular these days.

He was even okay
when I checked him

on the orangutan...

(CROWD LAUGHING)

lawsuit.

He was.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

You know, he said to Dana White,

"You know, Bill said my father
was an orangutan, and I...

I really love my father."

And I said,
"Well, Mr. President,

I did that because I didn't like

what you were doing
regarding Obama's birth origins.

I thought that was low."

Again, no anger.

Just a little smile
as if to say, "Yeah, I get it."

The most surreal part
of the whole night

was when I got home.

I flew back
right after the dinner,

and I'm in bed
watching 60 Minutes

from the night before.

And there's Trump
in one of their stories,

standing at a podium
in a room that looked to me

like one of the rooms and pod--
places we'd just been in.

And he's ranting, "Disgusting.
You're a terrible person."

And I'm like, "Who's that guy?"

What happened
to Glinda the Good Witch?

(CROWD LAUGHING)

And why can't we get the guy
I met to be the public guy?

And I'm not saying

it's our responsibility
to do that. It's not.

I'm just reporting
exactly what I saw

over two and a half hours.

I went into the mine,
and that's what's down there.

A crazy person
doesn't live in the White House.

A person who plays
a crazy person on TV a lot

lives there, which I know
is fucked up.

It's just not as fucked up
as I thought it was.

And I have no illusions now
that I'm back to work at my job

that he might start a new list.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Because I don't have
a good feeling,

and will be critical about a lot
of what he's doing,

the trade war
and disappearing people,

ruling by decree,
threatening judges,

gutting the government
with glee.

But I also think he now
understands I have a job to do,

or at least he did
on this night

because he said to me early on

that he'd seen our last episode,

which was the Friday
before this dinner.

And he said,

"I thought maybe you'd be nice,
but you hit me really hard."

I did, because I'm not
gonna pull my punches

that presidents get to propose
a third term for themselves.

He understood that,
and without animus.

That doesn't mean
he's not gonna try to do it.

At one point, I said to him,

"You're scaring people.

Do you really want to be scaring
your own citizens so much?"

And I know now
you're all saying,

"And what did he say to that?"

Honestly, I don't remember.
(SMACKS LIPS)

But it wasn't,
"Okay, I'll stop."

So MAGA fans, don't worry.

Your boy gave me nothing,
just hats.

Hats and a very generous
amount of time,

and a willingness to listen
and accept me

as a possible friend,
even though I'm not MAGA,

which was the point
of the dinner.

My favorite part
of the whole night

was we were standing
in the blowjob room.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

We were.

And he said, "You know,
I've heard from a lot of people

who really liked
that we're having this dinner.

Not all, but a lot."

And I said, "Same.

A lot of people told me
they loved it, but not all."

And we agreed, the people
who don't even want us to talk,

we don't like you.

Don't talk as opposed to what?

Writing the same editorial
for the millionth time

and making 25-hour speeches
into the wind?

Really?
That's what liberals have?

He takes the piss
out of everybody else

and we can hold ours?

Okay, that's my report.

You can hate me for it,
but I'm not a liar.

Trump was gracious and measured

and why he isn't that
in other settings,

I don't know and I can't answer
and it's not my place to answer.

I'm just telling you what I saw
and I wasn't high.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Damn, missed opportunity.