Original subtitles

"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" THEME MUSIC PLAYING...

CARLY: Jake Blum's office.

Oh, hey! Larry David calling for Jake.

- Oh, hey, Larry, how are ya? - Oh. Couldn't be better.

Oh, good. Hey, I read the script.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah?

- Oh, yeah. Um... - Ah, you read the script.

- I d... I did. - LARRY DAVID: Well, congratulations.

- You can read. That's so great. - Hey, did you call earlier?

Our phones have been down all day.

Yeah, I was calling to see if Jake had converted.

Ba-dump-bump. (INHALES)

- What's that? - Ba-dump-bump.

- (CHUCKLES) You know? - Hmm, yeah.

That's what I thought you did.

- I'll get Jake for ya. - Yeah and while you're at it,

maybe you can think of an adjective for the script.

(PHONE BEEPS) - Jake, I've got Larry David on the phone for you.

- Larry, bubbie. How are ya? - LARRY: Good.

Listen, we have to recast the young Larry part

and, uh, it's gonna take a couple of weeks

before we can start rehearsal.

Okay. It's your show. We're just paying for it.

Thank you. I appreciate that. By the way,

your, uh, assistant...

- gave me a, "Ba-dump-bump." - "Ba-dump-bump?"

Yeah, like I'm a comic in the Catskills.

By the way, she is on the call.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Hi, Larry. I'm... I'm still here, so...

Why is she on the phone?

She's my assistant, Larry. She takes notes,

- that's part of the gig. - LARRY: No! It's not part of the gig.

She's not a court stenographer.

I've taken notes on all... All of your calls, just a FYI.

LARRY: Get off the phone. Jake, get her off the phone.

Should I be writing all this, Jake?

No, you should get the fuck off the phone.

- I'm getting... I'm off. Okay. - JAKE: Hang up.

- She's hanging up, Larry. - I'm off of the phone.

- JAKE: She's hanging up. - Everything is off.

- I think she's off now. - Don't ever do that to me again.

I'm sorry about that. So, what do you wanna talk about?

- I already told you. - I... I don't remember.

You might wanna check your notes.

- ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - IRMA KOSTROSKI: Without Jimmy Mayhew,

it is not the result we wanted.

You can just kiss goodbye to the fertilizer run up bill.

- See you later, guys. - ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

EMPLOYEE: Bye.

What? Oh, my God. You?

I am so sorry about the election.

- One vote. Your fault. - LARRY: I've learned my lesson.

-Every vote counts -Every vote counts.

It's really sunk in. Anyway, I'm awfully sorry.

Uh, I... I got these for you.

(SCOFFS)

You know, I've missed you. I... I was watching

the House of Representatives on C-SPAN,

and it made me think of you.

Then I watched Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

with Jimmy Stewart, in the filibuster

and I was thinking to myself, "I bet Irma would be

- a great filibusteress." - Thank you.

LARRY: Yeah.

But I'm still mad at you. So mad, so disappointed.

Everybody is disappointed at me at some point.

- But you know what? - (SIGHS)

I'd love to be friends again. Can I take you out to dinner

and make it up to you with a big sumptuous,

- expensive meal? - Okay.

- You can call me. - (CLAPS) Yeah.

But not tonight. I'm finishing a cleanse.

- I'm preparing for colonoscopy. - Huh.

- (WHISPERS) One vote. - ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JEFF GREENE: You're gonna get that law repealed, I know it.

Well, the recasting's buying us some extra time, which is great,

- yeah. And when I called Jake... - Yeah.

...his assistant, Carly, answered the phone.

- She gave me a, "Ba-dump-bump." - Yeah, Carly likes that.

- Carly likes that? - I kinda think it's adorable.

Hmm.

- Something you wanna ask me? - No, I... I...

- 'Cause I'll tell you if you ask me. - You don't have to tell me

- 'cause I already know. - JEFF: That's why I'm buying

this stupid, fresh cut lilac bath and body wash

because Carly smells like that. I'm with her,

if Susie smells it on me, she'll get suspicious.

So, I'm gonna have it in the house.

- And be using it all the time. - Well, that's a brilliant move.

Yeah, you better get used to me smelling like a lilac.

What's going on over here? Shouldn't she be moving up?

- (GRUNTS) - Isn't that how a line works?

- Yep. - I don't like a big gap in the line.

You wanna feel like a line is moving.

Otherwise, physiologically, it's bad. Right?

I'm languishing back here. Maybe I'll say something.

- Don't. - (MUMBLES)

Excuse me? Excuse me? Uh, would... could you...

Would you mind moving up in the line a bit?

No, I'm good. Maybe just worry about yourself.

Well, I... I mean, you're on the line,

you have a responsibility as a person on a line to keep the line moving.

You're not holding up your end of the bargain.

Would you tell somebody that was a white man

- to just move up? - Yeah, in a second.

- Sure, of course. - Oh, so this is racial. Is that what this is?

Sir, you know what?

I'm gonna actually need you to get in the back of the line.

- Or... or you can leave. - What? Are you kidding?

- (CUSTOMERS CLAMORING) - Oh, oh, please.

- Th-there-there's a big... - CUSTOMER: Get in the back of the line.

- (CUSTOMERS CONTINUE CLAMORING) - Racial? Oh, please.

- Come on. - CUSTOMER 2: Come on, you're harassing her.

Just get back, would you do that?

CUSTOMER 3: In 2021.

- I'm so sorry about that. - What did I do? I asked somebody

- to move up in line. - (SCOFFS)

LARRY: I tap her on the shoulder

and you would've thought I called her the "N" word.

She thought I was a racist, everybody else thought I was a racist.

Just because I asked her to move up. It's crazy.

- Hmm. It is racist. - What?

- LEON BLACK: Of course. - Get out of here.

Only a Black person would tell another Black person,

- and they'd move the fuck up. - Oh, that's ridiculous.

You out of your lane.

You swerved out of your fucking lane.

Stay in your lane. That's fucking racist.

No, it's the opposite of racist. Treating someone differently

because of the color of their skin, that's racist.

- What I did was anti-racist. - No, no, no. That's not racism.

It's audacity. You had the fucking audacity.

You shouldn't have asked that lady to move up

in your fucking white condition. Now, if I was with you,

I would say, "Hey, sister. Would you move the fuck up."

- And she would move up. - So, you would ask her?

It's gotta be Black on Black.

If I'm standing there and a white dude come up to me

and tap my shoulder, "Hey, buddy. Hey, pal.

Could you move up a little bit?" I'd say, "Man,

- get the fuck out my face." - Is that right?

- LEON: I'll move when I'm fucking ready. - Oh.

Now, if said person was a bald-ass white man...

You can't ask the bald guy to move up, but I can.

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't say shit to him.

But you go up there... (SCOFFS)

- Y'all got something in common. - So, bald on bald.

- Bald on bald. - Jew on Jew.

- Jew on Jew is cool too. See? - LARRY: Yeah.

- (DOORBELL RINGING) - Mm-hmm.

LARRY: Oh, that's the plumber. I gotta talk to him.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

All right, got some bad news. You're gonna have to replace

the whole filtration system, top to bottom.

- What? - Ouch.

Seriously? I just did it three years ago.

Well, usually warranty's between three and ten years.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Where the fuck

- is other seven years goin' at? - I mean, I don't know

what happened, I don't know who you hired.

It's a bad job and if you don't fix it,

they'll be flooding and even worse.

- Shit. - All right. So, um,

when do you think you can do this by?

PLUMBER: Uh, by the end of the week. We'll figure something out.

All right, I'll call you when the parts come in.

- LEON: Mmm. (CLICKS TONGUE) - What are you doing?

Something just ain't right, man. (SLURPS)

- Let me go talk to this guy real quick. - Okay, sure.

Hey, roto-rooter. Come on, man. What's going down here?

What's really going down?

Come on, man. You got to do somethin' better than this, man.

You can't come up here and throw that shit on us, man.

- My man, get that right. - All right

- You got me? - PLUMBER: I got you. I got you.

- LEON: Done and done. You good. - Wh... what'd you say?

I told him to stop fucking around.

It's a 50-dollar valve. I had to set his ass straight.

He was gonna fuck you with sandpaper, you understand?

Hold it. So, this whole job is getting done for 50 dollars,

is that what you trying to tell me?

- Mm-hmm. - (SCOFFS) Okay, first of all,

thank you. But it's kind of sickening in a way

that I can get gouged like that.

They do that shit to you 'cause you don't know better.

People are being taken advantage of all the time.

You have somebody like me around, who knows shit.

I will read through that bullshit.

You know what you are? You're... You're like a househusband.

Yeah. That's what the fuck I am. A person who's here

- to point out the bullshit. - Oh, my God. I got a great idea.

- (CHUCKLES) - Mm-hmm.

When them motherfuckin' eyebrows go up,

that's some bullshit coming down.

- (LARRY CHUCKLES) - What is it? Give it to me.

A business called "House Husband."

So people call you whenever they're in a situation

where they could be taken advantage of

by a mechanic, by a plumber, by an electrician...

- Oh. - ...and you save that person

- tons of money. - They need a motherfucker

who knows a little bit about everything

- and a lot about nothing. - They need a househusband.

- Fuck right. - You know, it's a little sexist,

- the name, House Husband, but... - Right.

...listen, I would avail myself of it.

- LEON: Fuck, yeah. - I'm a guy...

Love that idea. I fucking love it.

- (DOORBELL RINGING) - Already fucking done.

(LAUGHS)

- Hey. - LARRY: Hey.

Got a second? I'd love to talk to ya.

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

TED DANSON: Thank you.

- All right. What's going on? - (SIGHS)

This is awkward, but...

Maria Sofia. What's the deal with her?

- What do you mean? - Are you fucking her?

(CHUCKLES) No!

- No way... - Are you fucking her mother?

(LAUGHS) No, get out of here. "Fucking her mother..."

Well, you're fucking me, man. I ca... I can't work with her.

This is my career too. If I share the screen

with that... that... - Don't worry, it's only temporary.

I promise you.

- (PHONE RINGING) - The situation's being resolved.

- I'm taking steps... - Hold on. Cheryl. Hey, Cheryl.

CHERYL DAVID: How much did this repair cost?

I don't... I don't know. I'm not a mechanic.

If he says you need a new transmission,

you probably do. How much is it gonna cost?

CHERYL: Over 4,000.

- Are you kidding me? - CHERYL: No, that's just for starters.

Well, that's crazy. They see you coming a mile away,

and I don't know what to do, I know...

I know less than you do about cars.

- CHERYL: I know! - All right. All right.

I'll be there in a second. I gotta go.

The guy says she's gonna have to replace...

It's just a little rattle...

- The whole transmission... - Okay, hold on. Leon!

- Leon? - What's cracking?

LARRY: The mechanic is telling Cheryl

she needs a new transmission, I think it's a job

- for house husband. - "House husband?"

- LARRY: Yes. - LEON: That's right.

He's got a new business called House Husband. This is his job.

I don't want you to go over there and get fucked. You understand?

Cheryl is beautiful, you a handsome-ass devil.

He gon' take advantage of your ass.

He just saved me 100s of dollars with a plumber.

LEON: If I'm there, there's no way

he'll take advantage of your ass. That money goes

back in your fucking pocket.

And some to me, of course.

- Hey, can you go right now? - Fuck, yeah. I'm already there.

All right, let's do this shit.

Hey, we still need to talk.

(SIGHS)

After seeing that movie, I'm never eating octopus again.

- (LAUGHS) - (CHUCKLES)

- IRMA: Yeah. - How are you enjoying the wine?

Oh, fabulous.

Have you decided on any appetizers?

- Yeah, I'd like the bruschetta. - The bruschetta, you got it.

- I would advise against that. - Why?

You get little bits of tomato on a piece of hard bread.

- They pile it up... - IRMA: Yeah?

You take a bite it all falls,

they're very structurally unsound.

Can you bring an extra lay of bread for the bruschetta.

That would just be a tomato sandwich.

He's kind a crazy. Sorry. (CHUCKLES)

- Okay. And for you sir? - A market salad.

WAITER: A market salad, you got it.

Market salad. (CHUCKLES) He hates us.

- I do not like him at all. - He hates me. Did you see... He hates.

- What did we do? - Hi.

- Oh, my God. Hi. - Hi, hi, hi!

- Oh. - I'm sorry to interrupt.

- DEIDRE MILLER: Hi. - This is my daughter.

- Hi. - Deidre, this is Larry.

- It's so nice to meet you. - What a... what a pleasure.

- Deidre? - Yes. Nice to meet you.

Deidre not "Deer-dra?" Nice to meet you.

Um, I know Susie Greene, by the way,

- who's great. - Uh, great.

I don't know about great. Maybe good. Great, uh...

you know, Gandhi was great, Churchill, great.

- Yeah. - LARRY: Gorbachev, for my money, great.

But Susie Greene, I don't know if anybody's ever described her

- as "Great." - He's funny.

- Yeah. He's fun. (CHUCKLES) - IRMA: He's funny.

He could be very funny. So, how is the house?

Oh, God. He can't figure it out.

IRMA: What do you mean he can't figure it out?

He... he's an electrician who doesn't know how to fix electricity.

It's all terrible and none of it is working,

- so he has to come back. - IRMA: So, what are they gonna do?

-I don't know. I don't know -(BOTH MUMBLING)

(HIGH PITCHED MUMBLE) - How could you not know how long it took,

she takes the afternoon off work and nobody...

No, it was fine. It was fine. I... You know.

(LAUGHS) He's being very funny.

- I'm sure. I'm sure. - IRMA: So, what am I gonna do?

You have to close the garage door manually

- and then... - Okay, yeah. So, you close it manually. Okay.

- So nice to meet you. - Oh, and I stole this back

'cause you have been hoarding my DVD.

- Okay. - Little Women?

- Yeah. - (CHUCKLES) I cannot stand

those March sisters. Boy, do they get on my nerves.

What about them gets on your nerves?

The giggling all the time, making jam,

getting under the blanket and cozying up with Marmee.

I feel like you're misreading it.

I find them a little mockish

- and twee. - I don't find them twee,

I find them to be women of substance.

Oh, they're all so talented in their own right.

A writer, and a musician, and an artist.

And one, of course, has to be an actor.

Is there no creative realm these sisters can't conquer?

What would you prefer they had done?

One could've been a writer and the, uh, the other three,

you know, housewives. (CHUCKLES)

- Uh, it's a joke. It's a joke. - Um, great to meet you, Larry.

- Nice to meet you. - Bye. I love you, Mom.

- IRMA: All right, my darling. - Enjoy your evening.

- Yes. - Um...

- DEIDRE: Okay, see you. - I love you.

Oh, what a... What a lovely daughter.

- Isn't she... - LARRY: Yes.

- ...beautiful, so bright. - You're so fortunate.

- You're so fortunate. - IRMA: Incredible.

I've never seen anything like her.

Your bruschetta...

- and the market salad. - Thank you.

Enjoy, I'll be back in a bit.

Oh.

- Oh. Oh, God. No. - Yeah, see I told you.

Look at that.

- I'm sorry. I'll try this. - (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, that makes it worse. - (GRUNTS) Yeah, God.

- You want some? You okay? Hmm. - LARRY: No. I'm good. Yeah.

Hey, so let me ask you something.

- IRMA: Yeah. - LARRY: You're on the council.

You're a council women. What do you think

about this five-foot fence law? You know, you have to have

the fence around the pool. What kind of law is that?

I don't know if you voted for or not.

That was passed before I was on the council.

It's a crazy law. Huh?

It's a safety thing you... you... You know,

you gotta put a fence around your pool.

- Why? That doesn't make any... - Because you do.

Because you know, that's the law.

You gotta have a fence around your pool.

(CUTLERY CLATTERING)

♪ (AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- IRMA: Now, I'm scooping and picking. - So, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

...maybe um, after dinner...

maybe we go back...

to my house?

I haven't had sex with anyone in 13 years.

Just a little heads up, you know?

And now I'm gonna have garlic breath.

I've laid fallow,

it's like whistling into the Sahara up there.

I think I'll get another glass of wine. (CLEARS THROAT)

IRMA: And so, to bed.

Come to bed.

(INHALES, EXHALES)

(MOANING)

It's better than I expected.

But I have low expectations.

(CHUCKLES) It's funny. You know, I can't stop thinking

about the pool and that fence.

Why you so obsessive about this?

'Cause I don't wanna run to a pool

and then unlatch a gate and jump in. I...

I just wanna run and jump in.

They don't have a fence around the dock.

You don't have a fence around a... a beach.

- Yeah. - But you have a fence around a pool.

- It's crazy, makes no sense... - Can I borrow your toothbrush?

- (HESITATES) - (IRMA GRUNTING)

Not so sure about that. Don't think that's a great idea.

(EXHALES, SNIFFS) It's fine.

Mm-hmm. I have my retainer.

- I'm a grinder (CHUCKLES). - ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(MOANS)

(SMOOCHES) Ooh, come here.

(MOANS, SMOOCHES)

(IRMA GRUNTS)

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

(MOUTHS) What have I done?

(MOUTHS) What have I done?

(MOUTHS) What have I done?

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(IRMA CRUNCHING)

Would you mind...

pulling down the sleeves on that sweater?

- What, this? - Yeah, you're stretching it out.

It's like a stretchy... It's... It's orlon.

- No, it's cashmere. - It's cashmilon.

- Not cashmilon. It's not a mix. - I'm shvitzing, so it's a mix.

- You're what? - If it was pure, I wouldn't shvitz.

You... you said you're sweating?

Hey, hey, hey. I don't wanna fight with you, lover.

- Oh. Hey. - LARRY: Ah, well. Hey!

- Good morning. Leon... - Good morning.

...this is Irma Kostroski.

- Hey, Irma. - Oh.

From the, uh, Santa Monica City Council.

- Oh, okay. - Did you vote

- in the election last week? - No, fuck all that.

Once you start voting, there's taxes,

and... and... and jury duty,

and old-ass warrants that pop up out of nowhere.

- Fuck all that. - Language. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God. He comes in, you know,

effing and jeffing in this morning.

I really wish you'd watch your language around her.

- Oh. - It's not necessary.

I told him that many times.

Oh, my God. I'm eating all this. I'm nervous,

You know, it's been like... It was a big night for me

and now I have gas. It just sits there.

- LEON: Oh, wow. - Ooh, I got, like,

a bubble here. You got any Gas-X?

Leon, is there anything you have that might disperse the bubble?

IRMA: Yeah... -Know what gets that out? The Heimlich.

- Heimlich. - IRMA: The Heimlich?

- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Oh, it's my daughter. Excuse me.

What the fuck, man? You're in a bad spot, Larry.

Gotta tap that ass under duress? That's the worst.

Have you ever tapped someone under duress?

Course I have. My uncle passed away unexpectedly.

So, I had to tap this cougar at this mortuary.

Got a half off that coffin.

I hope this turns out as successful

- as your dead uncle's coffin. - I hope so.

- That was Deidre. - Oh.

- You made a horrible impression. - I did?

With that stuff you said about Little Women.

Why knock a classic?

You know, I don't like the March sisters.

- They're obnoxious. - You like Little Women?

- Fucking, love 'em. - IRMA: Yeah.

They call 'em midgets or dwarves.

- What? - I stack two on top of each other,

make 'em one whole women. Tap that ass.

No, we're talking about something different.

Listen, let's face it, Larry. You're old and you're bald.

I can get past that, but I don't think

I can schtup somebody my daughter doesn't like.

So, we're through.

- What? (MUMBLES) - IRMA: You know, you have...

Let me apologize. I'll apologize.

You'll call Deidre?

You know what? Forget call. I'll go to her house.

- You wanna go to her house? Okay, okay. - I'll go. Yeah.

Listen to me, Deidre and my son-in-law, Scott,

are having a ten-year anniversary party

to renew their wedding vows.

Maybe I'll invite you to this and you can

get along with her a little.

- You wanna try that? - I... I... I would love to go

to Deidre and Scott's tenth anniversary party.

- That would be fantastic. - Okay, I gotta go. I gotta get

to a council meeting where... (GRUNTS)

It's all about drains today.

- Yeah. - Drains, ramps, composts.

- They're talking about composts. - Uh, keep... keep the sweater.

- Keep it. - You wanna kiss me before I go?

- What? - Give me a little kiss.

- (MUMBLES) - One little kiss. Come on.

- Come on. - ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I want Deidre to like you so much.

It's just gonna work out.

- (GRUNTS) - IRMA: That was nice.

Put Gas-X on your shopping list. I gotta go. Have a great day!

(SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY)

That unpleasant bitch got you twisted

the fuck up right now.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Thank you.

- She's in the sewing room. - Okay.

What's that delightful scent? It smells like lilac.

Oh, that... that's my new body wash, I love it.

I felt like I needed a new smell.

- Really? - You like that smell, Larry?

- It's disgusting. - Love it. You don't like Lilac?

SUSIE GREENE: I'm surprised at you. I really am.

- I'm surprised at you. - You're full of surprises.

What are you? You're fucking Irma Kostroski now?

Well, that's a rather crude way of putting it.

Do I make love to her? Yes, I do.

She is so not your type. You're not political in any way,

you're not one to go canvassing.

What the fuck is going on, Larry? Something's off.

Tell her the truth.

'Cause that's what we deal with here. The truth.

- All right, you wanna know? - Yeah.

Okay, we have this terrible actress

- in our show. - Maria Sofia.

- Yeah? - And her father is the brother

of the guy who drowned in my pool. And he found out

about the five-foot fence law.

- He's extorting you? - Yeah.

- That's why she's cast. - Yep. I'm trying to get Irma

- to repeal the law. - Is she gonna do it?

(CHUCKLES) I don't know. I'm... I'm working on it.

If Maria Sofia's in the show...

- It's over. - Yeah. So, get on board

- and get in line. - It's the only line that you're in

- that I'm ever gonna get in. - "Ba-dump-bump."

- The fuck was that? - What?

Where you get that expression from?

- That gem of a retort. - You've heard, "Ba-dump-bump."

I've heard him say, "Ba-dump-bump."

You got that from somebody else.

- It's an old classic... - No, but you never say that.

You don't have original ideas that you come up with...

He's been "Ba-dump-bump-ing" for years.

- Well, I don't like it. - (KETTLE WHISTLING)

- You want tea? - Uh, no, thank you.

- Are you crazy? - What?

LEON: I can't believe how House Husband is catching on.

- Really? - Yeah, man.

- That's fantastic. - Yeah, thanks for hooking me up,

with uh, Jeff and Susie man. They got that plumber

- coming over there. - Oh, shit.

I gotta call Irma's daughter,

Deidre, and find out what time this party starts.

- Okay. - (PHONE RINGING)

Deidre Kostroski Miller's office.

LARRY: Oh, hi. It's Larry David calling

for Deidre. And listen, just so you know beforehand,

so there's no misunderstanding,

I would appreciate it if you didn't stay on the call.

- Excuse me? - If it's not a matter

of national security, there's no reason for it.

Well, if it's not a matter of national security,

- why can't I listen? - Because it's really none of your business.

- Are you listening to this? - Yeah.

LARRY: Would you like it if I listened in to you

and you friends when you're talking?

Well, that's really pervy.

Oh, that's pervy? Oh, but it's not pervy for you

to listen in on my call? So, I don't see the difference.

Sir, listening in on Deidre's phone calls

is part of my job description. You listening in

- on my phone calls is pervy. - No, no. It's not pervy at all.

You'd be talking to your friends, talking

about where you're gonna go, what you're gonna eat,

w... what you gonna wear.

And I'd be listening in, taking notes, same thing.

- Ew. - Yeah. "Ew." Exactly. That's...

That's exactly what you're doing to me.

Look, I... I just wanna know what time the party starts

that's all I really need to know.

Oh, the party? Why didn't you say so? The party starts at 6:00.

Well, there you go. Six o'clock. Fantastic. We could've

- saved ourselves so much time... - Okay, thank you so much.

- Have a wonderful day, bye-bye. - LARRY: And wouldn't have to have this...

That's all I needed to...

- She hung up on me. - (CELL PHONE BEEPING)

What's that? See who that is.

LEON: Oh, it's Cheryl. "I need the house husband."

WORKER: I mean, this tree is really top-heavy

and you've got some insect damage too

and that's why there's those dead branches.

We're gonna need about five guys.

- It's gonna be full day. - Five guys? That's expensive.

You don't need five guys, you just need three.

Me, myself and I. And as far as insects,

all you need is a little bit of insecticide.

- Let's do that. - LEON: Let's do that.

- Thank you, house husband. - You know I got you.

My recommendation would be to go inside the wall,

you're gonna want to secure the studs.

That's sounds like a lot more than we were planning.

First of all, you're doing too much.

- Yeah. - All you need

is these right here. See that? We call them anchors.

Man, woman. See this? See that?

What I need you to do is make love

to that goddamn shelf, and hang it up.

Whatever you want.

- PLUMBER: You're gonna need a new showerhead. - SUSIE: Mm-hmm.

And I'm probably gonna have to replace a lot of the pipes up here

- in the upstairs bedroom. - LEON: Whoa, whoa. Hold on, playboy.

I'm the house husband around here. Okay?

Just replace the shower head, that's it.

There could be further problems you know, in the future...

Okay, we in the present. Fix the fuckin' showerhead.

- All right. - Thank you.

Guess what? I got a little something for you. Here you go.

- Oh. What's this? - There it is.

Got, uh, a little something.

(GRUNTS) I thought it was lingerie.

- I got a little disappointed. - Oh, it's a body wash.

- Fresh cut lilacs. Huh. - LARRY: Yeah.

I don't know (SNIFFS).

With me, with my eczema, with my psoriasis,

I use anything. Oh, it's pretty natural. Okay.

Well, you know, I figured 'cause you don't use deodorant

- that you might like body wash. - I don't like anything unnatural

near my lymph.

- You'll smell like a flower. - What is this? A hint?

- No, uh-uh. No. - Okay. I know I give off this,

like, a sex musk because I am active again.

I... I think you'll enjoy the lilac and you know?

- Frankly, it couldn't hurt. - Well, I'm just gonna rub it

all over then. (GRUNTS)

- Hey, come on. - Yeah.

Wanna come sit on the couch? Come and sit beside me.

I'd love to except I bruised my testicle

getting off the peloton. (MUMBLES)

- You what? - LARRY: Yeah, you know.

(SCOFFS) You're in pain?

Yeah, so uh, I'm a little out of commission

- for... for a while. - Is it anything to do

- with my exertions? - Oh, no, no. That was a delight.

Phew. A bit shvitzy. I'm gonna go take a shower...

- LARRY: Mm. Yeah. - ...in my lilac.

- Smell my lilac. It's gonna be all over me. - Mm. Lovely. Yes.

- Yes. - It's gonna be all over me.

You wanna come and join me?

I don't feel like getting wet just now.

You can watch.

You know what? I got a, uh, beach volleyball game.

IRMA: I'm gonna rub it all over. Come on, watch me.

- I'm waiting for you! - Yeah, there's a hockey game

- I taped last night... - Come on and watch me.

Come on and watch!

♪ (AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

DEIDRE: Speaking of watching the beginning, maybe like, yeah,

like ten after, hopefully. Um, and...

Sorry. Excuse me, one second. Hi, Larry.

- Oh, hey! - How's it going?

- Swell! - You're here early? (CHUCKLES)

- Early? - Yeah, yeah. The party doesn't start

until 7:00.

- 7:00? - Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Your assistant, she... Told me it was at 6:00.

- Britney? - She told me six o'clock.

I don't... I think you must've taken that down wrong.

No, I'm quite sure she said 6:00.

Um... (HESITATES)

Thank you for the... The flowers...

- LARRY: Oh, yeah. Yeah. - I just feel like um...

- Thank you. Um... - Oh! Y... you're welcome.

But... So, we're just still getting prepped here, we're not...

By the way, I really wanna apologize

for my comments about the, uh, the March sisters.

- I've given 'em a second look... - (CLEARS THROAT)

...and they're not as mockish

and twee as I... As I thought they were.

Thank you. That means a lot that you would apologize.

Yeah, I've seen all five of the movies again.

And they're so talented. Really, who's your favorite Jo?

Katharine Hepburn, June Allyson, Winona Ryder, Susan Dey,

uh, Chivon... (HESITATES) What's her... The, you know,

- the Irish girl... - Saoirse, Saoirse Ronan.

- LARRY: Saoirse Ronan. Yeah. - Yeah.

My money, June Allyson.

- Really? - With the bangs, cute. Cute.

Cute? That's your criterion for what makes a great Jo?

No, I'm just uh, I'm just a man partial to a bang.

Okay, so the March sisters... - And, by the way, who doesn't love a good bang?

Honey?

Hi. Scott this is Larry David, my mom's friend.

- Larry. - Larry, this is my husband, Scott.

Scotty... Scotty boy.

- Scott's good. Um, what's up? - Larry, uh, mistook the time...

- Um... - I was told 6:00.

Where is... Irma?

- She got tied up. You said... - In City Council.

- She... Right. - Yeah.

Well, the party's actually at 7:00, so...

Britney wanted to listen in on the conversation,

I got upset, so she gave me the wrong time.

I don't think that's what happened.

- No, no, that's... that's what happened. - Party's not for an hour so,

could you... could you... I don't know, uh,

kill time for an hour and... And... and come back?

The thing is, by the time I got home,

it's gonna be time to come back. It doesn't even make any sense.

You don't need to go home, you could just...

- not stay here. - DEIDRE: There's coffee shops.

- SCOTT MILLER: Sure. - Do you have any errands you need to run?

No, no I don't. No, I don't.

The problem is we can't host,

really, 'cause we have to get dressed and...

You don't need to host! I'll just sit here and guest.

I can be a guest without a host.

- Can you? - I... I think I can.

- Okay. - Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine. I will disappear.

You will not know I'm here. Do you have the NHL package?

I don't know what that is.

- No. - DEIDRE: Okay.

Yeah, we're gonna go take showers.

- Go take a shower. - Yeah.

- LARRY: I'm not even here. - DEIDRE: Okay. Make yourself at home.

You gonna shower, too?

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (SNIFFS) - (DOORBELL RINGING)

- Hi. - LARRY: Hey.

- Videographer. - LARRY: Oh, great. Come on in.

- Glad you can make it. - Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

- So, they're upstairs. - Okay.

- Seven o'clock, party starts. - Yes.

- Um, this is interesting. - What?

- You're tucking in the sweater? - Yes.

How long you been doing that?

- My whole life. - Do people comment on it?

There's almost never conversation about it.

Did you notice any other tuckers in your life?

I honestly have never really thought about it that much.

Who started you with that? Your mother?

- I just started doing it. - You started that on your own?

- Yes. Yes. I started on my own... - Really?

- ...when I was a kid. Yes. - Fascinating.

- It's not. It's really not. - LARRY: I... No, it is.

I think it's fascinating.

- Your father didn't tuck? - VIDEOGRAPHER: No.

- There were no tuckers in the family? - No, look I...

There's a lot of stuff to do.

I mean, the only person I've ever seen tuck

is James Mason in Lolita.

"Lolita, do you think I should tuck in my sweater?

Does it look good? What would you do?

What would you advise me? Would you advise me to tuck?"

I'm sorry, but what is your role here?

- I'm a guest. - Okay, you're very early.

- I know, what happened was... - No, I... Look,

I don't really care, I'm gonna set up in the living room.

- Yeah, set up. - Okay, yeah. Great. Thank you so much.

Look, it's in the back too. You're really very thorough.

- Why do you care? - I don't.

Okay. Thank you.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Babe, you made sure that the sprinklers

aren't gonna go off, right, when the guests are here?

SCOTT: I did it already. Aren't you proud of me? (CHUCKLES)

DEIDRE: Look at him What is he doing?

- ♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ - SCOTT: What... I don't know.

DEIDRE: That's my favorite candle. Please, put that down.

Why would you pick that up?

- SCOTT: Ew. - DEIDRE: Oh, my God.

SCOTT: I don't know why he's not just sitting

in one place and looking at his phone...

- Right. - ...like a normal person.

- (GRUNTS) - What is he doing?

DEIDRE: This is so bizarre.

SCOTT: Hopefully, he'll just wear himself out.

DIERDRE: He's so weird.

- Do we need to go down there? - I don't wanna go down there.

Ew. What is wrong with him?

I don't think I've ever seen anyone take,

"Make yourself at home" so literally.

- Don't touch that. Don't touch that. - He's futzing with it.

I would never go into somebody's house

and touch their air conditioning.

DEIDRE: I didn't know that we had to say, like,

"Please make yourself at home

but don't mess with our thermostat."

Oh, my God. He's taking his pants off.

SCOTT: He is.

- DEIDRE: What is he doing? No. - SCOTT: Don't do that.

DEIDRE: Why is he tucking his sweater into his pants?

- SCOTT: I don't know. - DEIDRE: Who does that?

I have to keep on getting ready, so.

Okay. What a strange individual.

SAMUEL: Just wondering where I should plug in...

- I... I was just testing. - How do you like it?

- I don't care for it. - Okay.

I'm gonna go back over there now.

Okay.

- SUSIE: So, no dinner? - JEFF: Tell me about it.

If it's seven o'clock, you expect dinner?

- Absolutely. - I'm... I'm starving.

- See the fence? - I did.

Let me ask you a question. If I start walking into the pool,

you think that fence is gonna stop me?

- Everybody. If we could... - Hi.

- ...get your attention for a minute. - Oh, boy.

- Here we go. - Thank you all so much for being here

and for joining us.

SCOTT: We wanted to do

what it is that we gathered you all

here to do, and that is to, uh, renew our vows.

- CROWD: Aw! - Let's get out the anti-nausea pills.

(CHUCKLES)

- I'll start... crying. (LAUGHS) - Oh, God.

Scott... I promise to always remember

- that you are human. - She's gonna remember he's human.

- DEIDRE: You care about people... - How do you forget that?

How do you do this in front of people? It's so unseemly...

You've got such big soul.

- And I love that about you. - I would rather masturbate

in... in public than have to say that stuff.

Today, I promise to show that same care

and consideration for you for the rest of my life.

LARRY: Oh, this is just so...

- I can't take it anymore. - (DEIDRE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(MOANS)

- I agree with her. - DEIDRE: Right now,

- it's the easiest thing in the world to do... - What's the matter?

...because I honestly love you so much

- and want nothing but your happiness. - What?

- DEIDRE: I will always show... - The videographer.

DEIDRE: ...the same care and consideration for you.

I'm screwed. She's gonna see that tape, she'll tell Irma.

SCOTT: Before I get to my vows and start to cry...

- Oh, my God. - (DEIDRE CHUCKLING)

Oh, my God. This is bad.

- SCOTT: ...I thought maybe I'd tell the story of how we met. - I think some of you know.

Obviously, we're both lawyers, everybody knows that.

DIERDRE: We met at a conference...

- (WHISPERS) Hey... - can I talk to you for a second?

- I'm sorry to interrupt. - I'm working.

I know... I know you're working. Craziest thing happened,

so crazy.

A mosquito got caught in my throat

and I put my finger down there, and if they see the video...

- Yeah. - ...it might be,

you know, misconstrued.

Yeah, 'cause that's not how it looked.

So, I'm wondering, maybe if it's possible,

- you could erase it? - I can't do that. No, I'm sorry.

- LARRY: Well, uh... - It's my job.

Is it because of the tucking in the sweater?

No, you're obsessed with that. I don't care about that.

If I did offend you, I apologize.

- I can't. I just can't. - You sure?

- Totally sure. Okay. - Yeah. Yo... you know what?

(SCOTT TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Huh? Your name's... Samuel Tannenbaum?

- Yes. - Samuel, my Hebrew brother.

Could you be a mensch and maybe reconsider

this position for a...

- (INDISTINCT SPEECH CONTINUES) - ...fellow tribesman.

- Okay. Yeah. - You'll erase it?

- Yeah, I'll erase it. - Thank you so much.

- We got off on the wrong foot. - LARRY: Yeah, we did.

If this isn't the worst p... party in your life?

- This is hell. And the vows. - It's... it's a living hell.

- No, it's literally, it's... - Could you do me a favor?

Get me again. Do another take

- and I'll have a different reaction. - Okay, yeah.

- SAMUEL: L'chaim. - L'chaim.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I didn't think this was gonna be hard but it, it is. Um...

- GUEST: You got it, man! - SCOTT: Webster's dictionary

defines paradise...

as "an idyllic, or ideal place or state."

I define it as, "Netflix and chilling with you."

- (ALL LAUGHING) - (EXAGERRATED LAUGH)

- SCOTT: Deidre, I promise... - (MOUTHS) Very nice.

- ...to make you smile... - Oh, my God. This is so beautiful.

- ...as much as you make me. - I'm sorry.

Even if that means I have to watch a little less football.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

- I promise to listen. - He promises to listen.

And I promise to solve the problem if I can.

- (SOBS, SNIFFLES) - SCOTT: But not offer solutions...

- You okay? - Yeah.

...that you didn't ask for, because I've learned my lesson about that.

They're such a beautiful couple.

- And I promise you are my light. - I love you, Scooter.

- I love you, Dinkles. - LARRY: Aw.

(CROWD APPLAUDING, INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SCOTT: Have a good time. There's loads of appetizers,

- so help yourselves. Thanks, everybody. - DEIDRE: Yeah. Thank you.

(MOCK SNORES)

- Hello, hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi. - (GROANS) There's no valet.

- JEFF: Oh, hi. - Hi, how are you?

- I'm fine. How... Nice to see you, too. - So good to see you.

- IRMA: I changed in my car. - Oh, you did?

- Yes... - You look so beautiful.

- Thank you. - You don't wear that

- to your board meeting? - IRMA: No, no, no.

Remember the four city workers that got crushed?

- Yeah. - Well, we were doing a memorial.

I kept pushing, I kept saying

- "You gotta get 'em all up there." - Oh.

You know, families were there. There was a lot of emotions.

- It's so much... - It's really good.

Oh, that's so... -...we have the crosswalks for the blind today.

- Hi, hi, hi. - LARRY: Oh, good. Hi.

- What did I miss? - Well, so nice seeing you.

I left my phone in the bathroom.

- Yes. - I apologize...

- Okay. Yeah. - ...and I'll talk to you later.

I wanna see them. Where are they? Was it wonderful?

- Oh, Deidre... - You've been nice to Deidre?

- Oh, wonderful. Oh, yes. - Yes, they're wonderful.

- And Scott? - LARRY: Oh, Scotty...

- He's wonderful. And so funny. - LARRY: Oh, he's wonderful.

- I love Scotty. Yeah. - My darling, I'm here...

- DEIDRE: Hi! - ...I'm so sorry.

- Oh, look at you. - You!

Irma Kostroski! Keep your fucking hands

off of my husband, you homewrecker! You whore!

- You slut! - Susie...

Your mother is fucking my husband.

What are you talking... - SUSIE: You think you're a councilwoman,

you could get away with anything?

What have I done?

- I smell the lilacs, baby. - IRMA: What are you...

- SUSIE: I smell the lilacs... - IRMA: What is she talking...

- ...and I knew it was you. - IRMA: What is she talking about?

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Ladies.

Ladies. Hey, hey, hey, Ladies. Ladies.

What an ending to the evening. It was so weird. Susie lost it.

- But... - (GROANS)

I know but we got this.

- I promise to listen... - DEIDRE: I loved your vows.

- SCOTT: I loved your vows. - SCOTT: (ON TV) I promise to...

- Oh, my God. Look at him. - SCOTT: (ON TV) If it's important to you,

- it's important to me. - DEIDRE: Is he crying?

- SCOTT: (ON TV) I promise... - SCOTT: He's like, legit moved.

I have to text my mom. I have to tell her

that I think he's great. I'm so happy

that my mom found him.

LARRY: So, then I found out

his name was Tannenbaum. I played the Jew card,

I couldn't believe it.

- It worked like a charm. - (LEON LAUGHS)

You gotta play those fucking cards. I'm telling you, man.

Imagine if he was bald, what I could've done?

I got a whole fucking deck of cards.

I... I got the Black card, I got the handsome card,

the tall card, the Big Johnson card...

Oh, hold on. Hold it. Hold it. Handsome card?

- Fuck, yeah. - You don't have a handsome card.

- I got one. - Who told you

you had a handsome card? Your mother?

- Everybody. - Auntie Ray?

The fucking doctor who delivered my ass. Everybody said that shit.

(SINK RUMBLING)

What's with this? (YELPS)

I thought you told the plumber how to fix this.

- I thought I did. - Holy shit.

You don't know what the fuck you're doing, do you?

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (CAR BEEPING) - What?

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(GRUNTS)

Shit, shit... (GASPS)

Leon!

- (ELECTRICITY FLICKERS) - (SCREAMS, GRUNTS, GROANS)

So, how long do you think this is gonna be?

Well, I don't know what Leon told these guys to do

but the whole grid has blown. It could be weeks,

it could be a long time. Now, this I need pressed

- for tomorrow for work. - Hmm, yeah.

- Uh, you have a steamer? - No.

- IRMA: You don't have a steamer? - Mm-mm.

- You can iron everything, right? - Oh, yeah, sure.

Everything in this case needs to be taken out, ironed and...

- Yeah. Ironed it all, yeah. - Great. Great. Now,

- when everything is ironed... - Yeah.

- ...go to the store for me. - Oh, go to the store?

- Oh, of course. - Yeah. And I need regular flavor

Metamucil. Not the cherry, not the orange.

- Mm-hmm. - And I need arnica...

- Uh-huh. - ...and I need pickles.

You gotta have pickles.

Pickles? (SNIFFS)

Ah! The brine. That's what it is.

- She stinks from pickles. - Oh, my God! Look at this!

Ugh. Fucking Leon. Everything...

Jesus fucking Christ.

Maybe these are okay. Jesus, what is this?

Hiding a second fucking phone, you asshole.

Are you kidding me? Really, Jeff? Really?

You stupid moron, you are fucking caught, asshole.

Gotcha.

(PHONE BEEPS) - CARLY: I've got Susie Greene for you.

Yeah, I'll take her.

- Hey, Susie. - Hi, how's everything going

- over there? - Good, good. All good.

Uh-huh. Is your assistant on?

- JAKE: Yeah. - Yeah.

- SUSIE: Taking notes as usual? - Always.

- CARLY: I am. - SUSIE: Great.

Take this down. She's fucking my husband.

- "Ba-dump-bump." - (PHONE BEEPS)

- (SIGHS) - Call you back.

"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" THEME MUSIC PLAYING...

THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES....