Original subtitles

♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know Left from right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪

♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun

♪ The story that just begun

♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier

♪ Till the war is won Won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop

[CHIRPING]

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no, look at this.

[GRUNTING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Nigga, what you want?

I want you over my house cutting my grass

like you supposed to be! Well, too bad for you,

because I just took another job.

And even though they don't pay hardly nothing,

working for white folks look way better on my résumé.

Damn it, this is the fourth week in a row

you canceled on me. The yard looks like a jungle.

Well, Chim-Chim, you three vine swingers

should feel right at home.

I'll be there when the white man

don't need me no more. And let this be

yet another reminder that no matter

how much money you got, you still just a nigga.

[YELLING]

Ooh, I hate Ruckus!

Huey, go change your clothes and mow the lawn.

Why do I always have to cut the grass?

[SNEEZING]

I cannot stop sneezing.

[SNEEZING] Riley's got allergies.

You just mad 'cause you didn't think of it first.

Ow!

That didn't hurt, punk.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Huey. Hurry up.

And I don't want to hear that old

"I'm dying of a heat stroke" excuse.

You wanna cool down? Cut your hair off.

Good day and how are you this beautiful morning, good sir?

I'm visiting you to make you aware

of an exciting offer I got in landscaping

and home repair work that has just--

I'm talking about just touched down in your area.

Not interested. W-w-wait.

What exciting offer? Let me ask you this:

Are you really satisfied with your current landscaping

and home repair service provider?

No. Yes, go away.

That would be a Mr. Uncle Ruckus, right?

A portly dude, not very fond of African-Americans?

What if I could offer you a better service

with way lower prices

with none of the racial antagonism?

How's that sounding to you? How much?

I'll have your shit looking splendiferous for a wet dub.

No. Okay, I'll drop the price to 10.

At this point I ain't even making no money,

I'm just doing this for my back arms.

I said no. A cigarette and a cold glass

of orange juice. Go hustle somebody else.

Check this out, Pops. Because I want your good favor so bad,

I went ahead and put in a little work on the yard.

You what?

[♪♪♪]

MAN: That's right. Your boy cut the grass,

manicured the little weed area, and even did

a little shrubbery art. You planted flowers.

You needed a little color right there, man.

It wasn't any thang.

[BOTH GASPING]

[♪♪♪]

Well, I'm impressed, young man.

Very impressed. Don't meet a lot of people

who take pride in their work nowadays.

Sorry I was so rude earlier.

You earned this.

Yo, man, I-- I was cool with the orange juice.

No, no, no. You take it.

I really appreciate this, Pops. Seriously.

Matter of fact, man, let's go look at some hos, on me.

Huh? Yeah. House of Cheeks

with the bungalow booty bitches.

You know, they probably just now cracking the doors.

Beers is cold and the bitches ain't sweaty.

Come on, let's go and, you know, see some ass.

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Man, this is fun.

It's been awhile since I had someone to go

to a strip club with. So thanks.

I didn't even get your name.

Just call me Lando.

Lando, you mean like Lando Calrissian?

Well, Lando's really my daddy's name.

Or that's what Moms told a nigga,

since I never knew him. She met him right when

The Empire Strikes Back■ came out.

You know, people used to call me Lando.

I remember that summer: 1980, Chicago.

Best summer of my life.

I knew it was gonna be my year.

And boy I milked it for all it was worth.

Now, of course I wasn't as smooth as Billy Dee,

or good-looking as Billy Dee,

and I definitely didn't have no Billy Dee money,

but thank God some women were so desperate

they just didn't care.

I remember this one gal.

Her name was Marietta.

Oh, she was hot. It was like I was doing it

with the same caliber of women as Billy Dee himself.

Moms was a big Billy Dee fan.

In the day we would go see Empire Strikes Back,

and at night we'd have some serious,

no-holds barred freaky deaky bareback action.

Whoo! For real?

You have to understand,

this was in the days before AIDS.

So there was no consequences whatsoever.

That's so funny.

Moms used to say the same thing.

It was just like: Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

I always wondered what happened to her.

I guess I'll never know. Gone for good.

I will never, ever in a million years

know what happened to her.

Oh, well.

You know, my mom's name was Marietta.

Really. What a random,

completely unrelated coincidence

that has nothing to do with me.

Pops. I don't even know how to say this, man,

but I didn't come here just to do your yard.

Huh? I came to Woodcrest

because I think you're my dad.

Yes, she does. Really nice ones. Oh, yeah.

Mm-hm. No, no, I said

I think you're my dad.

Don't worry about the tab. I got the next round.

No, no, I said...

[INAUDIBLE]

Wait, wait, hold on. Wait, hold on.

I knew it. I knew you were a scam artist the moment

I laid eyes on you. Pops, please, man.

Please, man, just give me a second.

Shame on you trying to scam an old man.

Mowing his lawn, trimming his shrubs, planting some color.

I don't ever want to see you around here again.

Oh, come on, man. [ENGINE STARTS]

Pops, man, wait. [TIRES SCREECH]

Wait, Pop, Pop.

You my ride!

[♪♪♪]

Granddad, it's not like you did anything wrong.

He's not my son. I mean, you had no way to know.

Did you hear what I just said? He's not my son.

And I don't ever want to hear

the name Lando in this house again.

And no one is allowed to watch Empire Strikes Back

or The Return of the Jedi ever again either.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Pops.

You. I told you to get away from here.

I tried to be nice. Now I'm calling the police.

You're trespassing on private property.

Hey, Pops, I'm not stalking you or nothing,

I'm just over here doing some work for the DuBois'.

Big Tom, big Tom. What's the business, baby?

Keep sending them dumbass niggas to jail, big dude.

They ham-ass know they shouldn't have did that shit.

Anyway, the hot water fixed in the guest bathroom,

so you all good. The guests can drop a deuce,

wash they booger hooks, get fresh, disinfect.

No prob. Know what I'm talking about? Popping your collar.

Oh, man, you are a godsend.

Robert, I guess we have you to thank for Lando, huh?

What's that supposed to mean? I didn't give him life,

if that's what you're implying. I told him you were

the first one to give a brother a chance

to show what I can do.

And don't worry, Lando,

I'm gonna make some calls as well.

Hey, you know I gotta put my folks on.

You know how we do.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Where's this guy been all our lives, huh?

See you later.

What is your game? Blackmail? Extortion?

What do you want from me?

My mother left a journal.

She said she got pregnant by a man she loved very much,

whose nickname was Lando. And there was this.

[GASPS]

Man, I ain't come here to steal nothing from you, man.

I just wanted to find my pops and tell him

that I thank him for skeeting that life into Moms, man.

I just wanted to tell him I love him very much,

and I respect him for everything he did, man.

Get away from me. You can't be my son.

You too ugly to be my son. Oh, okay. I-I get it.

The problem ain't having a son,

i-it's just having me as a son, huh?

I want you out of this neighborhood

and out of my life forever. You got that?

Everybody do things on they own time.

I ain't in no rush. I ain't even tripping.

Only thing is, I don't know what your Casio looking like.

But you know, whenever you wanna holler at your boy,

I'm right here, man, posted like a lamp.

I love you, Pops. I ain't never gonna stop loving you.

Never.

GRANDDAD: I'm sorry to stop by on such short notice.

I didn't really know who else to turn to.

Come on, Pops. You know it ain't no thang,

I'm here to help. So you need a person, uh, removed?

Yes. You mean, like,

removed from the Earth?

No. I mean like removed from the neighborhood.

Oh-ho-ho, so you want him kidnapped.

Well, kinda. Not really.

Can't you just take him someplace really far away

like South America or Africa or something?

Well, you realize that if you don't kill him

there's nothing preventing him from coming back.

Well, if you took him really far away,

he wouldn't have enough money to come back.

I don't know. I just want him to go away.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, back up.

Who we talking about?

His name is Lando. Oh, shit, Lando?

The new handyman?

Man, that motherfucker is cold with that landscaping.

What's your beef with him? He's a con man

pretending to be my son. Oh, I see.

But he ain't your son? He is absolutely, positively,

almost virtually certainly not.

Shit, he seemed cool to me.

You know how some people you just like right off the bat?

But yeah, shit, I say kill him.

Kill him? I don't wanna kill him.

All right, all right, the only other choice might be

to get one of them DNA tests

to prove you ain't the father.

Really? Where do you get one of those tests done?

Oh, I know one place that do it for free.

MAN: Coming up next,

on The Steve Wilkos Show.

I just wanna know who my real father is.

Moms always said his nickname was Lando.

Didn't you used to call yourself Lando?

Didn't you? Answer me! Stand up!

Don't even think about sitting on my stage.

Stand up! But my knees hurt.

Get your ass up.

What kind of man doesn't bother to see his kid

for 30 years? Thirty fucking years?

B-But I didn't know-- You know what I wanna do?

I wanna beat the living shit out of you!

Whoa, easy there, big fella.

I will not be easy on you!

I fucking hate you!

You make me wanna--

[CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Before the show you took a DNA test.

And the results of the DNA test are...

Robert is--

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

AUDIENCE [CHANTING]: Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Robert,

you are the father.

[ALL BOOING]

You are the sack from which I come.

You are the sack from--

That's the-- That's the pair that I came from.

Look at them number one's that I came from.

I came out that tube right there.

Good-looking man. Yes.

How you feel now? Deadbeat. Huh?

Wait, I didn't know. I-- I--

You finally gonna take responsibility

or are you gonna keep making excuses, you pussy punk bitch?

Hey, nigga, don't call my daddy no pussy punk bitch.

Look at him. He is a pussy punk bitch.

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

RILEY: I hate to say this, Granddad,

but you did look like a pussy punk bitch.

You should have stuck with your story.

It was a DNA test. Well, study next time.

Ow! Granddad,

there's no use beating yourself up.

Yeah, Steve Wilkos already did that.

I can't believe all this time, a son.

A son named Lando.

Granddad, it's not all your fault.

This doesn't make you a horrible person.

It's all your fucking fault!

You're a horrible fucking person!

Oh, why me? Why did he do this to me?

Granddad, it seems like he just wants the chance

to get to know his dad. Which means you have to be a man

and own up to this.

You may not owe him anything else,

but you do owe him that.

Man, I say be a real nigga

and don't own up to nothing.

You got it right the first time.

Pretend it never happened.

Who cares about the show?

Anybody asks, it ain't yours.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Congratulations, Daddy. Oh, you must be so proud.

A 198-pound bouncing baby adult Negro.

Boy, they grow up so fast--

You know, Robert, any boy can make a baby,

but it takes a real man--

Shut the fuck up. I'm sick of this shit.

Hey, hey, don't blame me, I said kill him.

You also told me to go on that stupid show.

Hey, you ain't tell me you was actually

the man's daddy. That's bad intel.

I can't be held responsible for no bad intel.

I didn't know I was his daddy.

Now everybody knows. What am I supposed to do?

Way I see it, you got two options. Option one,

which I don't recommend, is to work it out.

You don't recommend working it out?

No, but it's a option.

You guys are both grown,

you try to come to terms with it. Get to know each other,

make up for some lost time. Now, I ain't saying

it's gonna be a easy adjustment,

but, I mean, there's counseling, therapy.

This person could enrich your life

in ways you can't even imagine.

Yeah, Huey said something like that.

But I never listen to him. Now, I still say

the smarter move is option two,

which is just let me put two in the back his head

and be done with it. Huh? No.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't worry about the fee.

I ain't gonna rape you on the price.

You ain't got to worry about that.

No. I don't want you to kill him.

[SIGHS]

Maybe I should just work it out.

Look, I can name at least two or three instances

in my life where I tried to work out some shit

by trying to find some mutual understanding,

and I can tell you it's always faster

and easier to just kill 'em. It just is.

I don't want you to kill him. Damn.

Don't know why you keep bringing it up.

All right, up to you,

but I think you should keep that option open.

Matter of fact, Lando's outside

doing some work on the shrubs, I'll call him in right now.

Just let me know what you want to do. All right?

Lando! What?

Lando's here? No, wait.

Pops, what's going on?

He wanted to talk to you, Lando.

He wants to try to, uh, work this out.

Look, man, I'm sorry about what happened

on that show. I mean, I didn't know

that nigga Steve Wilkos was a dick like that.

I swear I don't need nothing from you, man,

except a chance to be, maybe,

a small part of your life, man. Just a small one.

Thank you, Rummy, man.

I appreciate you giving of yourself

to help sort this thing out.

Ain't no sweat, partner.

You know I'm in your corner.

So, what's it going to be, Robert?

Uh, option one or option two?

Option one. Option one.

Option one it is. No, no, no, no, no.

I said option one. Okay.

Well, which one was option one?

What's option one? Getting to know each other.

Yeah? You sure that was option one?

Yes. Let's spend some time together,

as a family. Yeah, boy!

That's what I'm talking about!

That's what I've always-- Man, look, man, I swear, man,

once you get to know a nigga you'll find

I ain't even that fucked up.

Is you sure, Robert? Yes, I'm sure!

I'm sure too.

Okay, then I've done my part. It's up to y'all, now.

Best of luck to you. I love you, Dad.

Boys, Lando is going to be staying with us for awhile,

because, supposedly, it's the right thing to do.

I just hope you boys take this as a lesson

that life can really suck sometimes,

and you should always wear a condom.

I got a condom on right now.

This is it. You'll be sharing this room with the boys.

No favorites. Ha-ha.

Yeah. What up, roomies?

Yeah, this my half of the room.

And that, that's Huey's half of the room.

Well, where my half at?

Your half is right there.

And just 'cause you technically our uncle,

you ain't ahead of me, nigga.

As of right now, you the youngest brother.

Got that? I'm number two, you number three, got it?

Two nigga. Three nigga.

Say, man. I promise, man, I'm gonna respect your space

and I really, really, appreciate, you know,

just being here part of the fam, man.

I've been a part of this family my whole life.

It's an overrated experience.

[♪♪♪]

[SNORING]

[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

[GROANING]

[SNORING CONTINUES]

[YAWNING]

[SPITS] Ah!

Man, nigga had the trillest dream last night.

On the real, it was like your boy

had a job at this little bunny ranch vineyard

or some shit, man, so all I could do

was lick the ladies' feet after they was finished

stepping on the grapes and the bitches was just loving--

Look, I can't concentrate with your thing

flapping around like that. Go put some clothes on.

I'm not hungry no more. Yeah, I'm done.

Aw, come on, man, why you all tripping?

Morning wood ain't nothing to be ashamed of.

That's how you know you alive, man.

I fit to show you, you all bitch.

Let's go. Junior varsity, nigga.

Nigga. Young Barkley.

LANDO: Shit. RILEY: Punk.

Hey. That's a foul.

Man, that ain't no foul, nigga.

That's playoff basketball.

Yeah, basketball, not football, bitch.

Give me the ball.

Man, just 'cause you the two nigga

don't mean you can treat me any kinda way, nigga.

Huey, you gonna let him do me like this?

It's family, I'm staying out of it.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

Huey, help your baby brother, man. The nigga melting me.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

You guys seem a little cramped in there.

I'm thinking about giving Lando his own room.

That's not fair.

Why does the three nigga get his own room?

You playing favorites, Granddad.

That's not true. Oh, yeah?

Lando gets to drink beer.

Lando gets to smoke with cigarettes.

Why you love Lando more than us, Granddad?

Hey, hey, what's going on, fam?

Lando, I'm afraid we gonna have to,

uh, make some changes.

From now on, no smoking.

What? And no more drinking.

Not at home. You're setting a bad example for the boys.

Why don't you understand me for a change?

Why can't you accept me for who the fuck I am?

You can't control my life!

I hate you! I never want to see you again!

I wish I was never your son!

I'm sorry, Pops, I ain't even mean that shit, man.

It's just, my anger got the best of me,

and I'll do whatever you say, man,

from here on out, man. It's-- I need that.

You know, I-I-I need that discipline.

That tough love, you know?

Don't-- Don't spare the rod on me.

Matter of fact, man, I'm going upstairs

and get ready for my ass-whupping right now.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Left side, nigga.

Whatever. What you gonna do, nigga?

Just watch your ass, nigga. Ball.

Watch your ass. Nigga. Ah!

Ha! Game, bitch.

Who's the number two nigga now, nigga?

Nigga, you 7 feet tall

bragging about beating a little kid.

Your game is garbage. And you cheat.

That's how it's a fair match, nigga.

I'm 7 feet garbage, and you 3 feet nice.

All right, that's true. New game, nigga.

[♪♪♪]

RUCKUS: Huh?

Ah!

Ah! Lando. Lando!

[GROANING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You! You the one been all over the neighborhood

trying to undercut my business.

You see this? Take a good look at it.

I tried to wipe my ass with it

except it chafed my gentle under region.

You ever heard of free-market principles, nigga?

You can't have no motherfucking handyman monopoly

out this motherfucker.

Whoa, look who brought his no-appointment-keeping

black white ass around here.

Ah-ha. Et tu, Robert? Et tu?

Now, Robert, I know you mad, but I never thought

you would stoop this low. Ah.

Ruckus, that's enough. This is your own fault.

Lando is serious about this landscaping business

and I'm supporting him. He's good at it,

and I'm proud of him. Pops, you mean that?

I do, son.

Fine. I hope you niggas are happy with each other.

Aw, Pops. You don't even know

what that meant to a nigga right now.

For the first time in my life, I understand

the true meaning of family-- And one more thing.

George Lucas ruined the Star Wars franchise

the minute that wavy-haired jigaboo

stepped on screen and put his monkey paws

all over Princess Leia.

[MOTOR ROARS]

[♪♪♪]

Didn't I tell you? Ha, Look at us.

One big, beautiful black family.

Hm.

I know you smiling on the inside.

I can tell, nigga. I can tell.

You can't bullshit big baby brother, nigga.

You just as gleeful as a motherfucker, huh?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Okay, gang, food is just about ready.

And turn that damn thing off. You know how I feel

about that Steve Wilkos show. Okay, Pops,

we fit to turn it off. Hakeem, you are the father,

and I hate your fucking guts!

Yes! Whoo-hoo!

I cannot believe this.

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew he was the baby daddy.

Man, I-I knew that shit too.

Wait, stop. Freeze it.

All right, bring it back. There.

"Producers reserve the right to nullify, falsify,

"reverse and/or otherwise misrepresent results

"of DNA paternity tests to preserve

the integrity of the show."

"Actual DNA test results available on request."

Huh? Aw.

Oh.

[♪♪♪]

HUEY: Hi, yeah, um, we're calling about

the DNA test for Robert Freeman.

Yeah, the "Near Death Deadbeat" episode.

Mm-hm. Okay. Thanks.

Granddad, you're not the father.

[SIGHS]

Aw, man. For real?

You mean we just did all that bonding for nothing?

No, i-it wasn't for nothing.

I mean-- Slow down, playboy.

You don't have to say nothing, really.

Huey, Riley, what can I say, man?

Nigga really appreciate y'all for opening your own home,

but if we ain't family, what we doing this for?

I ain't gotta be sharing no room with two little boys,

I ain't know no King of Pop shit. I'll just beat it.

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR OPENS]

So, what are you going to do now, son?

I mean, Lando? Who knows?

Maybe I'll find that right lady, you know,

start a family of my own. This was kinda cool.

All right, you little niggas be easy.

You listen to your granddaddy.

You real lucky to have him.

You all right? Yeah. Whew.

Glad that's over. I really dodged a bullet there.

He wasn't a bad guy, though.

I hope he does find his real daddy one day.

[♪♪♪]

International star and Colt 45 spokesperson

Billy Dee Williams?

Yes, you must be Robert Freeman.

I saw you on The Steve Wilkos Show with Lando,

but I'm afraid I've got some pretty shocking news.

He's not your son.

We know that.

How do you know that?

Because he's my son.

Your son? What?

You mean, you and Marietta...?

Yes. She sent me a letter,

must have been right before she passed.

I've been trying to find him, but I couldn't

until I saw him on your show.

Is he here?

That way. If you hurry

you might catch him. Thanks.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Man, I wish I could be related to Billy Dee Williams.

He way cooler than you, Granddad.

Guess that's why he get all the bitches first.

GRANDDAD: Boys, it's a great day for yard work.

[♪♪♪]