Original subtitles

♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know Left from right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪

♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the war is won Won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[LAUGHS] [AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Now wait just one cotton-picking minute!

Who this?

You better tell me who the hell up in my house,

before I get to capping. I ain't lying.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ma Dukes, this is Jesse.

He's my-- My new friend.

New friend, huh?

Does that mean he's...

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

...beating up the coochie?

That's what "new friend" mean to me.

Hold on. Hey, Jamal!

Yes, Ma Dukes?

Ow! I just had to

slap the shit out of somebody for no reason.

Now, what was it you were trying to say

about your special friend?

His name is Jesse and he's a good Christian man,

with benefits.

Benefits? Shoot, girl, why didn't you say so?

Good mernting! Hell, you can get me for no extra charge.

Oh, honey, this booty is still good.

You can go ahead and check the expiration date on it.

I ain't lying.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Dip it low. BOY: Man, look at her booty.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Holler.

Granddad, why are we watching a Winston Jerome play?

Aw, shut up, boy. Stop hating.

It just so happens

Winston Jerome is holding an open casting call

for the leading man in his new play,

and I'm preparing for my audition.

Audition? Like an acting audition?

The acting audition of a lifetime.

But you don't act. Don't act?

Your granddaddy was once a passionate,

dedicated thespian. Oh!

But this was long before the days of Terrence Howard.

See, Hollywood didn't have room

for a young, handsome, light-skinned black man

with good hair in those days.

DIRECTOR: And action.

They call me Mr. Pibb.

[MEN LAUGHING] What's so funny?

MAN 1: Mr. Pibb. That's a soda's name.

Oh, is it Ribs? They call me Mr. Ribs.

MAN 2 [LAUGHING]: He is so bad.

Bullshit, Mr. Handy Man.

[BONE CRACKS] Oh! My foot! My foot!

Oh, ooh, cramp! Cramping real bad! Oh!

Maybe you'd like to see a real man.

I bet you stay up late dreaming you had a real man.

I pity the fool. DIRECTOR: Thank you.

That's enough. We'll call you.

Thank you for the opportunity.

[SOBS]

Breaking into Hollywood at your age?

He's looking for mature men.

See? Look right here.

"Casting for black leading man, 50 and older.

"Light-skinned, good hair, must look nice shirtless,

and not allergic to baby oil."

That's me all day.

Don't you ever think you're too old

to do some of that stuff you do?

Why can't I be a sex symbol?

Why can't I be a heartthrob?

I say do it before it's too late.

And it's gonna be too late real soon. So, uh, yeah,

hurry up. Thank you, Riley.

I'm gonna really let him have it.

Show him my stuff.

Give that man everything I got.

RILEY: Pause. Pause?

Pause what?

You said something gay, so you gotta say "no homo,"

or else you's a homo. What did I say gay?

You said you was gonna give this dude

everything you got, no homo.

That's not gay, I said

I was gonna give the man everything I got.

Pause, Granddad. If it sound gay, it's gay,

and you gotta say "no homo."

How I know you not a homo, Granddad,

if you don't say "no homo"?

I'm not saying "no homo".

Okay, you wanna be a homo.

Stop calling your granddaddy a homo!

Then say "no homo." I don't wanna say "no homo."

I'm gonna homo your ass if you don't stop saying "pause."

RILEY: Pause.

HUEY: The typical Winston Jerome story starts

with a beautiful, educated, professional black woman,

trapped in a troubled marriage

with the brown-skinned bald dude from Law & Order.

How can you do this to me? Get out!

I'm gonna marry this white hussy,

because you are too virtuous and strong

and might make me a better man.

Then a dude who looks like Shemar Moore shows up

as the shirtless light-skinned gardener

who just got out of jail.

Excuse me, uh, may I rake your leaves?

At first she acts like she doesn't like

the light-skinned gardener.

But eventually she gets to know him

and sees his sensitive side.

Now I know that to you, I'm just a poor,

light-skinned gardener who can't even afford a shirt.

But I love me some Jesus, and I love me some you.

Oh, Lord, thank you, Jesus.

I never thought I'd ever be with a man

so loving and light-skinned.

And I will always be light-skinned just for you.

Being a good Christian woman,

she gives her marriage one last chance because Jesus said so.

I am dark-skinned and bald, so I hate you and I hate Jesus!

And just when the brown-skinned dude from Law & Order

is about to hit her, here comes the shirtless gardener.

Hold it right there, bald-headed dude from Law & Order.

The woman and the gardener kiss,

having found true love through Jesus.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] [AUDIENCE CHEERING]

MAN 1: Which role you auditioning for?

Oh, no, no, you can't get her--

I didn't think there would be

this many people here just for a play.

Just a play? Let me tell you something.

It starts with the play, but if he like you in the play,

then you in the movie of the play.

And if he like you in the movie of the play,

now you in the TV spinoff of the movie of the play.

Wait a minute.

You're Kadeem Hardison.

Star of TV's A Different World. What are you doing here?

I don't know if you know this,

but there ain't exactly a bunch of other shit

we could be doing right now.

What, I'm supposed to wait for the next

Akeelah and the Bee to pay my mortgage? No thanks.

MAN 1: Look, it's him. MAN 2: Shh!

[MEN WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

Mm-hm.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Mm-mm.

Mr. Jerome would like to see you.

He would? You won't be needing that shirt.

MAN: Oh, he want him.

JEROME: Jesus told me in my next play,

Ma Dukes should find herself a man.

So I've decided to call this play,

Ma Dukes Finds Herself a Man.

Do you think you're man enough for Ma Dukes, Robert?

Yeah, I think so. Yes.

Try this line:

"Ma Dukes, you are a strong, intelligent black woman

who will make me a better man."

[INHALES]

Ma Dukes-- JEROME: Wait, wait.

Uh, something's off.

Lotion!

[♪♪♪]

What flavor you want, man?

I got Tropical Peach, Sunrise Orange,

Minty Mango, and Apricot.

Or I can take two flavors and swirl them together.

Just tell me which ones you like.

You want me to pick one for you?

Uh, okay.

Minty Mango it is.

[GRUNTING]

Turn around.

Hey!

You want me to pop these bumps?

Uh, no. All right, you good then.

Okay, Robert. Again.

Ma Dukes-- That's it!

Breathtaking!

You know, I remember when I sat down to write my first play.

I asked Jesus, "Will you co-write with me?"

And he said, "Yes." Yes.

And I told Jesus,

"I want to write plays for women.

What do women want to see?"

And Jesus said, "sexy men."

Since that day, I've searched the world

for the sexiest black men alive.

And I found them: My shirtless men.

And Jesus was pleased.

I didn't know religion worked like that.

Then I asked Jesus,

"How could I further spread your message on earth?"

And he said, "cross-dressing."

And so I put on a dress and a wig.

And Jesus was pleased.

With that dress, that wig

and these beautiful, muscular gifts from God,

I have built an empire.

And soon, I will crush Ice Cube,

and my supremacy of black Hollywood will be complete.

Ice Cube? We don't allow

just anyone on this journey.

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, Robert?

Yeah, uh, I guess.

Get on your knees, Robert.

Ow! On your knees, Robert.

Okay. Damn, you got big hands.

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, Robert?

Yes. Do you accept me,

Winston Jerome, as the representative

of Jesus Christ in the TV and movie business?

Sure, I guess.

Do you renounce Ice Cube and all his works?

Well, you know, I kinda like Friday--

Do you renounce Ice Cube and all his works?

I renounce Ice Cube. Louder!

I renounce Ice Cube!

And all his works! And all his works!

Including Friday? Yes! Including Friday! Yes!

Rise.

Rise, my new leading man!

[♪♪♪]

We're having a fondue shindig tonight. You should come.

Tom, thanks for agreeing to watch the boys tonight.

No problem, Robert. I mean,

this is your big break. So, what is he like?

Who, Winston?

Uh, nice guy, down to earth.

Nothing strange or freaky or bizarre about him at all.

Nope, nothing out of the ordinary.

[LAUGHS]

I just think he's the best.

That's what people need more of: positive entertainment.

Without all the cursing

and people saying the N-word all the time.

Hey, are there gonna be some steamy scenes

to look forward to, huh?

Who's the lucky leading lady?

Uh, actually, um, they haven't cast her yet.

Probably, uh, Sanaa Lathan, maybe Halle Berry.

You know, somebody hot.

Man, stop lying.

Granddad's leading lady is a dude.

What? Shut up. You don't know nothing.

We read the script, Granddad.

How dare you. That's top-secret.

It was really, really terrible, by the way.

Don't front, Granddad.

You playing a dude's boyfriend.

It's that Winston Jerome guy in a dress. Ha-ha!

You mean Ma Dukes?

You're playing Ma Dukes' boyfriend?

There are no love scenes.

Granddad's gonna need to have "no homo"

tattooed on his forehead after this.

There are no love scenes!

I think that's great.

Robert, you're a real actor now,

completely dedicated to the part.

I say do the love scenes.

But there are no love scenes.

Well, I think it's gay. Dude wear a dress.

Jesus told him to wear that dress.

You just mad because Jesus doesn't love you.

[♪♪♪]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Hello, Robert.

We're so glad you decided to join us.

Come in.

I don't mind if I do, cupcakes.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Hello, how do you do? ♪

♪ We're so glad You joined our crew ♪

♪ Welcome to our Lovely compound ♪

♪ Where it all goes down ♪

♪ Hot oil, bananas And cream ♪

♪ Bananas and cream ♪

JEROME: ♪ White unicorns And wet dreams ♪

♪ Wet dreams ♪ ♪ Rainbow and lace ♪

♪ Oh, it makes me Want to scream ♪

♪ Anything is possible With Jesus on our team ♪

♪ It's all right To cross-dress for Christ ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Jesus gave me a vision ♪

♪ To make plays And dress like women ♪

♪ To wear corsets And real fine linen ♪

♪ Big bras with a lot Of padding in 'em ♪

♪ Am I feminine? I know you have suspicions ♪

♪ But I'm all man Trust me ♪

♪ We could switch positions ♪

♪ It's all right To cross-dress for Christ ♪

♪ It's all right To cross-dress for Christ ♪

ALL: Whoo!

Wow. Is that in the play?

No, we just do that for fun.

Come, let me show you the compound.

[♪♪♪]

JEROME: The cast and crew of my plays are like family.

We work together, eat together, pray together.

Now, let me show you where you'll be staying.

Uh, did you say staying?

Oh, yes. You'll live here at the compound

during the run of the play.

I want everyone totally immersed in the production.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

And we don't allow outside calls here.

We must remove all distractions.

Oh, it's just my grandkids.

You know kids. They always wanna talk

to their sole legal guardian.

Tell them you won't be coming home for a while.

Best to make it a clean break.

Uh, I'll just call them back.

Answer it!

Hey, boys.

Hey, Granddad, we were just wondering

how late rehearsal was gonna go.

Tom had to leave and we're getting kinda hungry.

Well, uh, I'm not coming home

for a while, so don't wait up.

How late?

Uh, maybe a week or two or more.

We got a lot of rehearsal stuff to do.

Uh, there's some cash in my sock drawer. Praise Jesus.

This is a great day, brothers and sisters.

The first day of rehearsals for

Ma Dukes Finds Herself A Man.

Let us pray.

[♪♪♪]

JEROME: Lord Jesus, you are a wonderful savior

and an excellent producing partner as well.

[JEROME CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

GRANDDAD: I can't believe I'm here.

I made it. I'm on my way to the top.

I might already be at the top.

Man, look at these broads in here.

The big old zesty-chesty on that one.

...in Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

WOMAN: Yes, amen, hallelujah. Yeah, boy!

We're so happy you're here with us, Robert.

Jesus is so good.

I've been working with Mr. Jerome for nearly 10 years.

Oh, your family must be very proud, huh?

Honey, I don't talk to my family anymore.

This is my family now. Soon it'll be yours too.

I'm gonna get me some Kool-Aid.

Well, this is my first Winston Jerome project,

but I've been in the business for almost 12 years.

Oh, that's nice.

Anything I might have seen?

Let's see, I was in Do the Tight Thing.

Uh, Lady Sucks the Blues, New Crack City,

and then my last film was Six Dicks of Separation.

Oh, my. Six?

But that was before Winston saved me.

All that time, I was giving up the ass for me.

Now, I only give up the ass for Jesus.

And his homeboys.

Mm-hm.

Praise Jesus in the name of Jesus.

Robert, would you join me in my study?

Beautiful, isn't it?

I had the sweater put on him

because he just looked so cold up there.

I just wanted to warm him up.

Because I love Jesus.

Do you love Jesus, Robert?

Oh, yes. I love me some Jesus, mm-hm.

He's my copilot.

JEROME [OVER TV]: Lord, we thank you for all--

JEROME: Well, it appears you love tatas too.

Yeah, uh, I'm, uh... It's okay, Robert.

You love women more than you love Jesus, don't you?

It's hard to say.

I mean, it's kinda apples and oranges.

If women are what you desire, Robert,

then Jesus and I will deliver.

Hundreds, thousands of women.

Any kind you want.

Well, now, since you put it like that,

I want some of them, Alicia Keys,

and a couple them Beyoncés, and something Spanish,

and a big old tittied white woman

that look like Lynda Carter.

JEROME: Then Jesus will provide them.

But you must give yourself to Jesus first, Robert.

And to me. [CELL PHONE RINGING]

Fuck! You know how I feel about the fucking phone!

Jesus Christ.

It's my grandkids. They're probably just worried.

You must choose, Robert, between your old life and your new one.

Hey, boys. Uh, no, everything's good.

Look, please don't call me again. This is my family now.

Uh-huh. Okay.

You made the right choice, Robert.

I don't get it. They his new family now?

It's worse than I thought. Granddad's in a cult.

A cult? That's gay.

Well, he's in trouble.

We gotta save him. Come on.

You're just a lowly ex-con and I'm a big-shot lawyer.

Cut! Frown!

How are they gonna know you're mad if you don't frown?

More! More, more, damn it!

You want me to put something nasty in your mouth

to help you frown? Ew.

Okay, continue.

Well, at least I have Jesus

and the strong love of a black, African, beautiful,

independent black woman--

JEROME: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

This isn't working.

I cannot work like this anymore.

I've worked with Jesus! Damn it! Shit! Fuck!

Let us pray.

Jesus, holy Jesus, help us with this scene,

it seems to be a little flat. Wait.

Jesus is trying to tell me something, hold on.

ALL: Praise Jesus!

Yes, Jesus. Uh-huh.

Right, right.

Hey, you're the boss.

Jesus says the scene would have more impact

if you grabbed Ma Dukes and kissed her deep on the lips.

Kiss? Hold on. Jesus said that?

Jesus said that we need to kiss passionately

so the audience can feel our love.

Change it in the script.

ALL: Praise Jesus' rewrites!

Are you sure he didn't say "kick"?

I should kick you? Or maybe "kill"?

Let me kill you. Nobody'd ever see that coming.

No, he said "kiss!" Kiss!

There was no ambiguity at all.

ChapStick!

JEROME: Robert, it's okay.

I totally understand your concerns.

Winston Jerome would never, ever kiss a man.

That would be homosexual and against my Christian faith.

Exactly. Mine too.

But Jesus wants us to be actors first,

and heterosexuals second.

Now, Winston Jerome is a very, very straight man

that loves the ladies.

But Ma Dukes is a woman,

and when I go onstage, Jesus wants me to become her

inside and out.

Can't just have a woman's clothes.

I need a woman's thoughts, a woman's movements

and a woman's desires.

[♪♪♪]

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING OVER TV]

[♪♪♪]

[CRASHING] RILEY: Ow!

[GROANS] Come on.

Excuse me, do you know where I could find Robert Freeman?

Just walk in the path of Jesus.

You'll find him.

Uh, excuse me.

We're looking for Robert Freeman.

Oh, he's on the rehearsal stage.

Y'all remind me of my grandsons.

But they like Ice Cube movies,

so I can never speak to them again.

Excuse me. I'm gonna get me some Kool-Aid.

[♪♪♪]

Well, at least I have Jesus,

and the love of a strong, black, African,

beautiful, independent black woman.

And that's all I need.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Boys! Stop that! Get his legs! His legs!

I rebuke you in the name of the Lord!

WOMAN: Oh, Lord!

JEROME: Get them! Get them out of here!

[MUFFLED] These niggas is too glisteny.

[♪♪♪]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Did you think you could just take him?

It's too late. Your granddaddy's one of us now.

It's okay, guys. I'm sorry. I'll take care of it.

Me and Jesus want them out of here, Robert.

Pronto.

Granddad, snap out of it.

Ow! Damn it!

Ow!

Nigga, have you lost your mind?

Granddad, you've been brainwashed.

You've been sucked into some bizarre

homoerotic Christian theater cult.

You was about to kiss that dude, no homo.

I'm just acting. I know it's homoerotic Christian theater.

But if it gets me into Hollywood, who cares?

It can't be worse than Scientology.

Do you really want to be famous that bad?

Yes. My whole life I've been normal.

Normal sucks. I want women half my age

to throw themselves at me.

I want people to treat me better than they treat others.

And Riley was right. I don't have much time left.

Maybe it's a stupid dream,

but this is the last chance I'm gonna get at it.

Remember that TV show Fear Factor,

when they made people eat goat rectums and monkey testicles

and whatever else to win?

This is my Fear Factor

and Ma Dukes is my monkey testicles,

and I really want the big prize.

Even if it means kissing a man.

No homo.

And when you get home, go in my clean underwear drawer.

There should be $200 in quarters.

That should be enough to get you through the week.

And I'll be home soon, okay?

All right, Granddad.

If this is really what you want, we'll get out of here.

Good luck with that.

Thank you for saying "no homo," Granddad.

That really meant a lot to me.

No homo.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Finally I have found my cutie pie, Ma Dukes.

[ALL LAUGH]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

Well, at least I have Jesus,

and the love of a strong, black, African,

beautiful, independent black woman.

And that's all I need.

Kiss me, Ma Dukes.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[LIPS SMACKING]

[ALL CHEERING]

And now it's time for me to get my big prize.

♪ Groupies, groupies ♪

♪ Groupies ♪ There he is!

Girl, hold my chicken! Huh?

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

WOMAN: You look just like your pictures on MySpace!

Oh, my goodness!

Mr. Jerome would like to see you.

[WHISPERS] Alone.

JEROME: Robert, you were amazing.

Jesus and I were so pleased.

Don't give me that bullshit.

This is the big prize?

Where are the Alicia Keyses? Where are the Beyoncés?

Where's Wonder Woman? All I see is Florida Evanses.

I can get a big bitch on my own.

I had to kiss you onstage in front everybody

and all I get is them mud ducks out there?

That wasn't the deal.

Robert, Jesus never said it would happen overnight.

Well, how long do I have to suck lips with you

before the women out there become hot?

Look, Robbie, I've just sold

Ma Dukes Finds Herself A Man as a movie.

And guess who's my leading man.

Really?

I'm gonna be in a movie. Oh!

That's right, Bob. And I only have one request.

[UNZIPS]

[SIGHS]

Look, man, all bullshit aside,

can I please just have some ass?

Okay.

Wait a minute. You made up this whole cross-dressing

Christian cult crap just so you can sleep with men?

Uh, pretty much. Yeah.

Fuck you!

Now stick that up your ass.

No homo.

[CHEERING OVER CAMCORDER] RILEY: Pause.

Pause again.

Pause again, Granddad.

[LAUGHS]

Pause again.

Pause again.

Pause again, Granddad.

Pause again, Granddad.

[RILEY LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]