Original subtitles

♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know Left from right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪

♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the war is won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[GANGSTALICIOUS' "THUGGIN' LUV" PLAYING ON STEREO]

RUMMY: Man, I don't get that.

ED: Get what?

That textin' shit.

And what's wrong with textin'?

You mean, aside from the fact

that it's the stupidest fuckin' thing in the world?

I mean, why would anyone in their right minds

spend 15 minutes tryin' to type some shit

they could have called and said in five seconds?

Plus, it involves typin' with your thumbs,

which I just don't approve of.

Shit. I don't know about you,

but I don't have time to read

nothin' that a motherfucker typed with his thumbs.

Fun fact: nothin' typed by someone's thumbs

has ever been important.

It's all just nigga technology, anyway.

What you call it?

"Nigga technology." Technology for niggas.

Only don't start trippin' and shit, callin' me a racist.

'Cause I don't mean nigga in a disrespectful way.

I-I mean it as a general term for ignorant motherfucker.

Anybody of any race could be an ignorant motherfucker.

Shit, I be textin' my ass off.

Shit. Bitches like textin'.

I be textin' them all the time. Matter of fact,

I also be textin' my weed man too,

'cause, you know, he don't like to be on the phone.

So I text him.

Case in point.

So basically,

nigga technology is anything

that doesn't plug into a printer.

Does that plug into a printer?

No.

Know why?

'Cause niggas never have anything to print.

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me, sirs,

would you like to buy some candy

to keep urban youth off of drugs and gangs?

Uh, how much?

Three.

You hear that? I said, three.

All right, all right, all right, we got it. Now, beat it.

A'ight. Three guards ain't too bad.

Don't forget your earplugs this time, Ed.

Let's go.

Hold up, my nigga. Hold up.

Go time, nigga! Let's go!

I sent that bitch a smiley face.

Bitches love smiley faces.

Okay, let's roll.

[MADVILLAIN'S "STRANGE WAYS" PLAYING]

Nobody move a goddamn muscle!

Best start actin' like you're a mannequin or something.

Like you wanna stand in the window--

Agh!

Everybody get on the ground, now! Now!

[PEOPLE WHIMPERING]

Nobody make a goddamn sound.

[DOG BARKING]

[DOG WHIMPERS]

Hurry up, now! I ain't got all day! Move it!

♪ Who's the real thugs Killers and gangsters? ♪

I said, let's go!

[MAN COUGHS]

[WOMAN WHISPERING]

Do you want us to take you to the safe?

Hm? Oh, right. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the safe. Yeah.

Move it! Move it! ♪ It's like makin' a soldier ♪

♪ Drop his weapon Shootin' him ♪

♪ And tellin' him To get to steppin' ♪

♪ Obviously, they came To portion up his fortune ♪

♪ Sounds to me like That old robbery-extortion ♪

Hurry up!

Come on!

♪ You can't reform 'em ♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

Twenty-two minutes.

We suck. We fuckin' suck, man.

And I forgot to ask for the money again.

I always forget to ask for the money.

I don't think 22 minutes is so bad.

Not so bad?

That's a whole episode of Seinfeld.

It takes us a whole episode of Sein-fuckin'-feld

to rob a bank!

Stop being a perfectionist.

Ed, we both know

if your grandfather didn't own this bank,

we'd never have gotten away with this shit.

Shut up, Riley! Rummy, you the man.

Excuse me. But will you be needing anything else

from me today, Mr. Wuncler, sir?

Nah, you can go on and take the bags back in.

Thank you, sir. And for what it's worth,

I thought you all did very well.

See? An unbiased opinion.

So you honestly think that was a well-executed robbery?

[CHUCKLES] I sure do.

And you wouldn't just be saying that 'cause I got a loaded gun

pointin' at you, would ya?

'Cause we need honest feedback, for real.

No, sir. I would not.

[♪♪♪]

That's bullshit. We fuckin' suck, man.

HUEY [NARRATING]: The life of a black hero

has never been for the meek of heart.

You will not get out of here alive!

Do you hear me?

[♪♪♪]

I'm goin' to Ed's house!

And I said, no!

Aagh! Ugh-ugh!

Ugh!

[GRUNTS]

You little bitch!

[GRUNTING]

Ugh! Agh!

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Uh-oh.

[HUEY & RILEY SHOUTING, BLOWS LANDING]

Ow!

GRANDDAD: Boys!

What the hell?

I ain't doing nothin', Granddad.

I was just gonna go to Ed's house,

and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater.

What the hell is wrong with you, Huey?

If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy,

that's his business.

[PANTING] Granddad...

Ed and Rummy are international criminals.

There he go, hatin' again.

Boys, stop hatin'!

What about the time when Riley and Ed

were playing with a loaded shotgun,

and Riley shot Ed out of a second-story window?

Huaagh!

Ohhh.

That did happen, didn't it?

Okay. So just 'cause Ed believes in his Second Amendment right

to bear arms, we can't be friends?

What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?

Okay. How 'bout the time they stopped for gas

and ended up robbin' the mini-mart?

MAN: Agh.

RILEY: They was fighting terrorism.

Makin' the world safe for the freedoms that we enjoy today.

That's messed up. You don't support the troops, Huey.

That is kind of messed up, Huey.

Be back by dinner.

Ha!

[♪♪♪]

I'm just sayin' we can do better.

We're not realizing our potential.

This is some bullshit.

The game cheatin'!

Nigga, the game ain't cheatin'.

Start the game over.

Why you always gotta cheat when you lose, Ed?

Let him have it.

It's not wise to upset a Wuncler.

Restart the game now!

And Oprah fans get ready.

The queen of daytime talk will be in the Woodcrest area

tomorrow for a book signing,

before taping her show the following evening.

Hundreds of Oprah faithfuls have been camping out

for days in anticipation.

[SNIFFLING] I just think she is--

She is the most wonderful spirit.

I just don't know what I would do without her.

RUMMY: Oh, snap!

What if we kidnap Oprah?

And do what?

Control of Oprah is control over women.

Wait. I see where you're goin'.

See, 'cause, like, control over women

is control over bitches.

Oprah Winfrey taps directly into

the emotions, beliefs,

buying habits and summer reading patterns

of billions of women all over the world.

Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste

to an entire industry with a mere utterance.

She's a completely invincible,

unstoppable force of nature.

And with her under our control, nobody will be able to stop us.

Who's trying to stop you? Nobody ever tries to stop you.

Yes, they do.

No, they don't.

Hey, just because we don't know anyone tryin' to stop us,

don't mean ain't nobody out there tryin' to stop us.

The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.

Seems to me like everyone

just let's y'all do whatever you want.

That's why y'all always get away.

We get away because I'm a criminal mastermind.

Whatever, nigga.

Get ready.

We get her at the bookstore.

We gonna need some video surveillance.

And we gonna need advanced communication.

Two-way pagers for everybody.

Yeah!

[♪♪♪]

Whatever you guys are plannin',

you're not gettin' away with it.

Nobody can stop Ed and Rummy.

Maybe not.

But if I catch you with 'em,

I'm gonna take you down.

Unless I take you down first.

[MOCKING] "Unless I take you down first."

Is that the best you can do?

Shut up, punk.

WOMAN: I just saw-- I saw a glimpse of her.

Oh, my God. She's in there.

MAN: Oh, she looks fantastic.

RILEY: Okay.

There's two guards by the front door.

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

RILEY: Another on the east wall.

ED: Well, excuse me

for being into computers and shit, all right?

First of all, motherfucker,

just because you put a two-way pager

in the middle of your desk,

don't make it a computer.

It's a two-way pager, all right?

Okay. Then what's the difference?

The difference is a computer is something

that does actual work.

Nigga technology don't do much more than let dumb niggas

talk to other dumb niggas

about dumb-nigga shit.

WOMAN: She even smells good.

RILEY: Hey. I see Oprah.

Okay, her security just left her alone. Go.

Let's roll.

[MADVILLAIN'S "RAID LYRICS" PLAYING]

♪ How Doom hold heat And preach non-violence ♪

♪ Shh, he about to start The speech, come on, silence ♪

♪ On one scary night I saw the light ♪

Oh!

♪ Heard a voice that sound Like Barry White ♪

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Get down!

RUMMY: Everybody get down, now!

♪ Fly a kite in a firefight ♪

♪ During tornado time With no coat ♪

ED: Where's Oprah?

RUMMY: Well? Where she at?

ED: Where's Oprah?

RUMMY: I'm gonna start bustin' some caps in some ass.

ED: Where's Oprah, punk?

[WHIMPERS]

Kee-yah, bitch!

RUMMY: Don't look. Just tell me where that bitch is!

Somebody needs to tell me

where Oprah is on the count of three, or--

Or-- Or I'm gonna kill the oldest bitch up in here!

That's real fucked up, Agnes.

ED: I found her!

No! Help me!

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Body Snatcher Three to Body Snatcher Two,

where are you?

We're in the bookstore.

We're about to extract the package.

RILEY: What bookstore?

The Borders next to Starbucks.

No, it's the Barnes & Noble

next to The Coffee Bean. [GUNFIRE]

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Kee-yah, bitch!

♪ Uh, yeah, now ♪

♪ How Med hold heat Like Clint East is reborn ♪

Rummy, wait!

That's not Oprah! Hello?

Damn it.

RUMMY: Body Snatcher Two

to Body Snatcher Three, you read me?

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Hey. Kick me again-- Oh! goddamn it.

[BEEPS] RUMMY: I'm gonna bust your ass.

"Dear Ed...

"that...is not...Oprah.

Riley."

Yo, Rummy. Riley said that ain't Oprah.

What? Well, then who the hell is she?

Oh! Goddamn it!

It's, uh,

"Maya...Angelou."

Maya "And I rise" Angelou?

Mm-hm.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[GRUNTS]

[MUFFLED] I am so mad at you. Hmph!

MAN [OVER TV]: This was the scene today

at the Woodcrest Borders bookstore,

where two unknown assailants

kidnapped Maya Angelou during a book signing.

It was all Rummy's fault!

Ed ran into the wrong store. I was followin' Ed.

How was I supposed to know which bookstore to go into?

They look exactly the same, and they both got books.

There was a giant crowd of people outside of one.

That don't mean Oprah was in there.

There was a large sign outside that said, "Welcome Oprah."

Y'all are lucky Ed's grandfather owns the cops.

Just what are you tryin' to imply?

Look, we escaped capture

because of planning, teamwork and execution.

[♪♪♪]

This officer wanted to see you,

Mr. Wuncler, sir.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Wuncler, I-I just--

Well, y-- You dropped this today at the bookstore

during the-- Y-you know. The unpleasant, uh...

Th-- Thank you, Mr. Wuncler, sir. Thank you.

Uh, I'm so sorry to disturb you.

I-- I hope you're not upset with me.

Why don't we just get Oprah tomorrow?

Anybody know where they're taping?

Maybe we could try and find out?

I'm down with that.

Oh. This is beautiful.

It's like we back again.

Hey, man, look, I'm sorry. You know, uh,

sometimes I just let my emotions get the best of me.

No, no, no, no, I understand.

You passionate about what you're doin'.

I just wish you'd be a little more sensitive to my feelings.

It was my fault, man.

No, no, no, it was my fault for grabbing...

the poet triumvirate, whatever her name--

Maya-- Maya.

Y'all niggas are gay.

Hey, why y'all leave me out here?

One of y'all motherfuckers

better come out here and get me, I know that.

Or you will be living in a haunted house tonight.

Swim, bitch!

Now, this is the studio where they be taping the show.

What we need to worry about is Oprah's personal security team.

Do we have any intel on that?

Any what? Intel.

Intelligence, nigga. Keep up.

The bookstore security footage.

Help!

[♪♪♪]

RUMMY: Whoa. Bushido Brown.

Aw, damn,

I was afraid of this.

Who's Bushido Brown?

A bona fide bad motherfucker, that's who.

You remember when Oprah made them comments

about the beef industry? No.

Okay. Well, a few years back,

Oprah said some shit on her show about beef.

You know, mad cow disease, or some shit.

Anyway, the beef industry didn't exactly find that shit amusing.

They thought they would send a crew of armed Texans

to go teach Oprah a lesson.

[ALL JEERING]

Ex-Marines, ex-Texas Rangers,

rogues, that kind of shit.

But Oprah hired Bushido Brown

as her personal bodyguard.

MAN: Come on. Come on, Jay-Z.

MAN 2: We got him.

[GRUNTING]

RUMMY: Apparently,

only one dude was able to actually lay a hand

on Oprah's office door.

Yahhh!

They say...

Bushido Brown kept that hand.

I think I just shit myself.

No, no.

We can't just stroll up in there

if Bushido Brown is there.

We need a plan.

And, um...

go change your pants.

HUEY: Pretty strange, huh?

Armed gunmen assault a bookstore

to kidnap Maya Angelou.

Hey, I heard she had enemies.

Even stranger, Oprah Winfrey

was right across the street when it happened.

I don't know anything about no plot to kidnap nobody.

So Ed and Rummy do have a plan to kidnap Oprah.

["THUGGIN' LUV" PLAYING IN CAR]

[♪♪♪]

Damn.

[BEEPS]

HUEY: I call it the Black Power Fist.

The Black Power Fist is actually a stun glove

that I made with instructions I found on the Internet.

It delivers thousands of volts

of imperialism-stopping electricity

without the need of superpowers

or secret alien technology.

And it's inexpensive enough to fit well within

even the most frugal revolutionary's defense budget.

Okay, so we're gonna enter at the rear service entrance.

They'd never expect us to go through there,

because it's in back.

Whoa. Hm.

Didn't think they'd put guards there.

They really covered their bases.

So that's it? That's the plan?

Now what?

I didn't think they'd think to put guards at the rear.

That was a unknown unknown.

It was a bad plan. You plan things badly.

Isn't this your brother?

[♪♪♪]

What's he doin' here?

He's tryin' to stop you.

Really?

Why? What we ever do to him?

Sound like a hater to me.

Hello?

Yes. There's a little boy coming right now to hurt Oprah.

He's got a big stupid afro and a very poor disposition.

He's on the east side of the building.

A'ight, peace.

Okay, we're on the move.

Let's go.

All right, the game's up. It's over.

You're not going anywhere. It's all right.

[MADVILLAIN'S "ALL CAPS" PLAYING]

Oprah's in danger.

Not while I'm here.

I have to get into that studio,

even if it means goin' through you.

Man, you come straight out of a comic strip.

♪ So nasty that it's probably Somewhat of a travesty ♪

[GRUNTS]

♪ You can call me "Your Majesty" ♪

Uh!

Hooo...

ya!

All right. WOMAN: No running in here.

Aagh!

♪ And you know I know That's a bunch of snow ♪

Yaaa...hoo!

[GUARDS YELL]

GUARD: Why me?

♪ Sometimes he rhyme slow And vice versa ♪

♪ Whip up a slice Of nice verse pie ♪

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

Huh? [GASPS]

Okay, Oprah's dressing room should be up here

and to the left. Let's go.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Aah!

Ugh! Ugh! Wha--?

[SCREAMING]

Agh!

[PHONE RINGING] Say what?

Intruders in the studio?

I am on my way.

GUARD: Let's go. GUARD 2: I'm comin'.

ED: Kee-yah, bitch!

Pull up your pants,

you little ghetto hooligan.

Damn. Is that who I think it is?

This ain't Oprah. It's Bill Cosby.

I guess we were supposed to take a left.

COSBY: What's the matter with you?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Kicking in the doors

with the big boots and the guns.

Damn, Rummy. I'm sick of playing with y'all.

Y'all two are pathetic. [COSBY MUMBLING]

Hey, in Iraq we was in Special Ops.

Y'all niggas should have been in the Special Olympics.

I'm goin' home.

Oh, come on, man. Look, we'll kidnap Bill Cosby.

It'll still be fun.

Yeah, man, it's only 4:00.

Come on. We can write the ransom note together.

I don't think so, guys. I gotta get home for dinner.

RILEY: Later. COSBY: ...with their parents...

Don't listen to him, he's just a hater.

You a good planner.

Look, you about to kidnap Bill Cosby.

How many motherfuckers can say

that they did some shit like that, huh?

You gotta start lookin' at the bright side.

Yeah. Sure you're right.

I am a pretty good planner, huh?

RILEY: And y'all niggas are gay.

COSBY: --to the wall. I--

You know, I just-- Oh, no.

Man. This-- This reminds me of when I...

HUEY: Ed and Rummy kidnapped Bill Cosby.

[COSBY MUMBLING]

But he was really annoying,

so they returned him to the studio 15 minutes later.

COSBY: I'm upset with you for comin' in here...

HUEY: As usual, nobody even thought about stopping them.

What the fuck y'all lookin' at?

Riley had gotten away, but returned

several hours later when he realized

he had dropped his two-way pager.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let me explain.

You must have lost your mind! Ow! Oh! Ow!

You do not-- Hey, man! Just let me-- Ow!

--kidnap Oprah!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]