Original subtitles

♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know Your left from your right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪

♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the war is won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

MAN: Okay.

So tell us a little bit about yourself.

I'm the founder of 23 different radical leftist organizations,

including the Africans Fighting Racism and Oppression,

or AFRO, if you will,

uh, the Black Revolutionary Organization, or BRO,

uh...

Yeah, sure.

People tell me

I look like Bill Cosby all the time--

I mean, excuse me--

Dr. Bill Cosby.

Especially when I wear these sunglasses.

Yeah. Yeah, my name is Riley, son.

But, you know, niggas call me

a.k.a. Riley Escobar.

You know what I'm saying?

'Cause I be in the streets, you know?

I got all kinds of names, like H.R. Paperstacks,

uh, also known as, a.k.a. Horse Choker.

Uh...

And also the Black Revolutionary Underground Heroes.

MAN: Um...

BRUH?

Yeah, BRUH.

A.k.a. Pillsbury Doughboy.

A.k.a. Louis Rich.

MAN: Like the turkey bacon?

Yeah, like the-- What?

So like I was saying,

I've always believed that Cosbyness

is next to godliness.

So my granddad's wearing his Bill Cosby shades,

and I'm like, "This nigga look blind."

And then I thought, "Boom, I got an idea.

I know how we can get this money."

And I made a tape.

[BEEPS]

Dear Xzibit, my name is Riley Freeman.

If my granddad has one weakness,

it's bitches.

He's been a lonely man

ever since he had a bleach fight

with his first wife and went blind.

[GROANING]

All he's got in this world is his car, Dorothy.

The car's in pretty bad shape.

And everyone knows that bitches don't really check

for niggas with beat-up cars.

I'm Robert Freeman's driver.

And I'm tired of driving this piece-of-shit car he got.

Give him somethin' better.

But maybe if he had a nicer car,

he might be able to get a date,

and not have to pay for it.

[SOBBING QUIETLY]

Please, Xzibit.

Oh, hold up, hold up.

[BEEPS]

[SOBS]

Please, Xzibit, pimp my ride.

For my grandfather.

For 9/11.

[SOBS]

For America.

What's up, y'all? This X-to-the-Z, Xzibit,

and we here at the house of Riley Freeman.

And we about to pimp

his grandfather's car, Dorothy.

As you can see, Dorothy is way past her prime.

I mean, look at the paint job.

This car look like it need some lotion.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

Oh, snap. It's Xzibit.

Yeah, nigga, yeah.

What up, homey?

I'm here to pimp your ride.

GRANDDAD: Who the hell is that at the door?

Shh.

Come here. Hurry up.

Stay down.

Yo. Why are we hiding?

Are you kidding?

If he comes out here and finds

his favorite rapper, Xzibit,

fixing to pimp his ride,

he'll have a heart attack.

For real?

I'm his favorite rapper?

Man loves your whole catalog.

But now y'all gotta get the hell

up out of here before he finds you.

And I want some, uh, 23-inch rims,

and, uh, uh-- And I want five televisions.

And I want a toilet seat in the trunk.

Hey, man, we just doing--

Get the hell out of here!

You ain't stealing my--!

Hey, man! Hey, hold on! Hey!

Get out! Stop, Granddad! Stop!

[CAMERAMAN SCREAMING]

Stop, Granddad!

XZIBIT: Yo, just--! Come on, man!

[CAMERAMAN SCREAMING] Goddamn.

[XZIBIT CHUCKLING]

Dude, you got fucked up by that old-ass man.

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMING]

Oh, look at the wheels. Oh, my God!

Oh, my goodness.

See, you too could have a TV in the steering wheel.

Boy, Dorothy isn't just a car.

I've loved and cared for that vehicle for 30 years.

You think I'm let some damn rapper

put a goldfish in the dashboard?

Ho's love goldfish, Granddad.

You two need your own sitcom.

All you gotta do is get on TV with a sob story,

and people give you free stuff.

I still ain't gonna lie to nobody.

If there's one thing that I can't stand,

it's lying.

I'm a Christian man.

You ain't gots to lie.

I'll lie. Just play along.

They gonna fix my transmission?

[♪♪♪]

Gentlemen,

I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.

And, now, w-w-where's that boy?

What's his name? Inhibit?

The whole catalog, huh?

GRANDDAD: Now, y'all gonna fix my transmission, right?

The tooth fairy will be coming soon.

The tooth fairy? Yep.

Every time I lose a tooth,

the tooth fairy takes it away

and leaves a dollar under my pillow.

There ain't no such thing as the tooth fairy.

Then who's leaving the money?

Probably your parents.

They have both the cash and the access to your room.

Why would they lie to me?

Because the truth hurts, Jazmine.

The world is a hard and lonely place,

and nobody gets anything for free.

And you wanna know what else?

One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.

[♪♪♪]

[SOBBING]

MAN: You enjoy

abusing people's illusions.

I respect that.

It's thankless work.

Do you like my sunglasses?

I wear sunglasses because my idol, Dr. Bill Cosby,

wears sunglasses all the time.

And you know what they say:

"Cosbyness is next to godliness."

Who are you?

Nobody, really.

Just thought you might wanna talk

to someone who understands.

You don't know me.

I know you better than you think, Huey Freeman.

[♪♪♪]

GRANDDAD: It's not that I don't believe you, Huey.

It's that I don't believe you,

and I'm not interested.

But, Granddad, I am being followed

by a secret government agent.

Ain't nobody following you.

You just want attention.

I bet Xzibit's gonna put, like,

30-inch rims on the car.

Thirty inches?

Is that big?

He knew stuff about us, like--

Like-- Like the stupid Bill Cosby sunglasses thing.

Well, these stupid sunglasses

got us a new car.

So you say the car stops and the wheels keep spinning?

That's amazing.

All I'm saying is, when Xzibit brings that car back,

you gonna be bitches.

What did you call me?

No, no. I mean, bitches, like--

Like you gonna have so many bitches,

that's what niggas is gonna call you.

No disrespect.

No disrespect?

You just called your grandfather "bitches."

Yeah, but I don't mean "bitches" in a disrespectful way.

I mean it as a general word for women.

And you gonna let him get away with that?

It's okay... just this once.

Granddad, I'm just saying...

you might have to change your middle name

from Jebediah to Bitches.

It's all I'm trying to say. No disrespect.

Hm. Granddad Bitches Freeman.

Hoo.

Got a nice ring to it.

Shh.

[WHISPERS] Did you hear that?

What? What is it?

I don't hear anything.

Shh. It's Huey's

make-believe government agent.

In our bathroom, taking a dump.

[GRUNTS]

This nigga got imaginary friends.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Man.

Good morning, Freeman family.

What in the hell?

Mr. Freeman, I know you can't see us

because you're blind,

but we're from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

And we're gonna build a new wing onto your house.

Brought to you by Sears.

MAN: Cut.

Okay, let's do it again, people.

And get a reverse angle from inside the house.

[MURMURING]

WOMAN: Come on. The cameras are rolling,

so everyone should smile.

WOMAN: Okay, guys, out with the old, in with the new.

Let's go.

Granddad, you do realize

these people are gonna destroy the house, right?

They gonna make the house, like, five times bigger.

More room for bitches.

What's the catch?

Just keep pretending you blind.

That's it? That's it.

Oh, and, um--

I, uh, might have--

I maybe, uh, might have told 'em

you was running

a homeless shelter out of here.

WOMAN: We have to work together. We're running out of time.

I had to tell 'em somethin'.

WOMAN: Watch your b-- People, that's not...

It's not like we don't have a big-ass house already.

Don't trip. We'll just find some people to act homeless.

By the way, I told 'em to put in a grotto.

A grotto?

Yeah. Like Hugh Hefner got.

Nobody got bitches like Hugh Hefner, right?

[CHUCKLES]

You ain't never lied about that.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

Whee! I'm pretty! [ALL GIGGLING]

GIRL: You are too much. GIRL 2: Funny.

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

Yeah, just call me Big Daddy.

You know, that's what the girls call me, Big Daddy.

Thank you. That's great.

Big Daddy.

GRANDDAD: Yeah. Mm.

Bacon?

Don't mind if I do. [GIGGLES]

Naked cutie-pie.

[GIRL GIGGLES]

GRANDDAD: And then I said:

"Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! Thank you."

Mr. Freeman, you have an amazing grotto.

Please, Mr. Hefner, call me Bitches.

WOMAN: Okay, Mr. Bitches...

Uh...

The homeless people are needed in Makeup.

Huh?

The homeless people.

This is a homeless shelter, right?

We assumed there'd be homeless people.

Uh... If they was here

all the time,

they wouldn't be homeless,

would they?

It's a shelter, not a prison. [HUFFS]

Beat it.

Little bastard.

Uh, excuse me...Bitches?

Uh, I've actually seen this show.

They're gonna demolish the house.

Hello? Do you hear me?

Come on. Let's find some homeless people.

WOMAN: Don't worry about pillows.

He's fucking blind, okay?

[♪♪♪]

Go away. Beat it.

Shoo.

Hey, there, Huey.

I found this little "homeless" girl.

And I know how your grandfather loves

to take care of homeless people.

What the hell are you doing here?

Your brother called.

Said if I bring Jazmine over,

I could sing on the show.

Hi, I'm Tom.

I live across the street.

I'm a lawyer by day, but--

Whoa. Whoa, up here.

Ha-ha, there you go.

So...like I was saying,

my true passion is singing.

♪ A heart is a house ♪

♪ Of love ♪

WOMAN: You know, I've really had it

with this faggot designer over here

who's trying to make pillows.

Okay, let's just leave everything...

MAN: I tell you what...

If your granddad has one weakness...

it's bitches.

Of course, they're my weakness too.

What do you want with me?

It's complicated, Huey.

Uh...

I'm a secret agent sent to spy on you.

Okay. Maybe it's not that complicated.

WOMAN: If this house is not done in...

Do spies normally introduce themselves

to people they spy on?

What spy school did you go to?

Ah. I'm too old to be sneaking around.

Excuse us. Coming through.

What if I tell someone right now?

You tried that earlier, in the kitchen, remember?

By the way,

I wasn't really in the bathroom taking a dump,

but, man...

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, that brother of yours is a hoot.

And your grandfather...

Those two need their own sitcom.

Leave me alone.

Look...

just because my job is to watch your every move

and eavesdrop on every telephone call,

and monitor your every e-mail,

doesn't mean we can't be friends.

Excuse me.

Did you notice me talking to someone a second ago

right here, dressed like y'all?

Wasn't really lookin'. Sorry.

MAN: Where are we puttin' the fried chicken dispenser?

I mean, everything we see is a false reality.

It's like Big Brother, The Matrix,

whatever you wanna call it.

While we're watching each other,

they're watching us.

All the time.

Some of you may be wondering

why we're renovating the Freeman house

when it's already so big.

Well, it turns out that Robert Freeman, who is blind,

has run a homeless shelter

out of his house for years.

Yes, sir, I been living with the Freemans

for three months now.

They the cleanest colored folks you ever did see.

Mm, my mother, um...

used crack?

She used crack, she left me in a dumpster.

And you should give Riley a movie theater.

[GIGGLES]

Excuse me, Mr. Bitches.

We have some release paperwork for you to sign.

Hold on. Let me read it first.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, good one. Good one.

Now,

just sign here.

And there.

Great.

Ha-ha-ha, excellent, excellent.

Thanks. Word.

Whoa. Whoa.

MAN: Wow. Whoo.

JAZMINE: Hi, Huey.

What's the matter?

You wouldn't understand.

I'm being shadowed by a secret agent.

Really? Who?

Where is he?

I don't know.

Kinda just pops up out of nowhere

and then disappears.

You mean, like the tooth fairy?

No, I don't mean

like the tooth fairy.

Sounds like the tooth fairy to me.

You can believe in secret agents,

and I can't believe in the tooth fairy?

That's messed up, Huey.

Go eat something out of a dumpster,

you street urchin.

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN: It doesn't have to last!

Don't use nails then!

Use glue! I don't care!

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

WOMAN: Just get it done! We are running out of time.

HUEY: What the--? This is some bullshit.

Man.

Oh! What--?

Man, what's--? Ugh.

What--? Ugh.

I should never have let you talk me into this.

First, you let Noxema take my car away.

Now these white people are destroying my house.

[CRASH, MAN SCREAMS]

Granddad, all we gotta do is keep up the act.

We gonna have a new car and a new...

house.

All because we didn't listen to Huey.

MAN: Excuse me, uh, Mr. Bitches.

I think your car just showed up.

[IN UNISON] Dorothy.

XZIBIT: When we first saw Dorothy,

the only thing that worked was the off switch.

That car was so old it ran on unleaded coal.

But take a look at the new Dorothy.

[♪♪♪]

Yo, man! Oh, my Lord, have mercy!

Check it out. Look at the rim. I can't believe it.

Look at the paint job. Oh, that's my color too.

Oh, give me a hug. Man, Grandpa bad too.

Huey gotta ride in the back. Look at that. No, no, no, no.

GRANDDAD: Look at the seats. Pimping, pimping hot.

Oh, I'm gonna start pimping. I'm gonna do something.

I'm gonna do something. Oh, look at them seats.

Oh, I can't wait to get me a little cutie-pie in here.

Oh, my Lord, have mercy. Oh, skanks!

I can't believe it. They're bad!

Dorothy! Dorothy! Whoa!

You're so beautiful. All right, all right.

Granddad, Granddad, let's roll out right now.

MAN: Hey, I don't know what the hell is going on?

GRANDDAD: What's making the rims keep spinning?

[WHISPERS] Granddad, you're supposed to be blind.

Oh, yeah. MAN: Shit, man.

MAN 2: What the hell?

He's not blind.

[WORKERS CHATTERING]

I was like,

"Man, Granddad done fucked it up for everybody."

Oh, shit. Is he gonna hear me say fuck?

Yeah, I messed it up.

Teach that boy a lesson.

Trying to rip off the TV show.

What I know about acting blind?

Ah, man.

This is like when Rerun got caught

bootlegging the Doobie Brothers concert

on What's Happening!!

Oh, yeah. Isn't that the one where he's dancing

and that big-ass tape recorder

falls out of his coat? Yeah.

♪ Bum-tum-bum Bum-bum ♪

♪ I can see clearly now The rain has gone ♪

♪ Bum-tum-bum Bum-bum ♪

♪ Bum-tum-bum Bum-bum ♪

♪ I can see all obstacles In my way-- ♪

[DOG BARKS]

MAN: I love that song. MAN 2: Is he gay?

MAN 3: I don't know what the hell...

MAN 4: What the hell's going on with this guy?

MAN 5: This is getting way too weird.

GRANDDAD: Gentlemen, don't leave. Gentlemen.

Come on, what about my house?

It's not my fault. The boy--

I shouldn't have listened to the boy...

I knew that nigga wasn't blind the whole time.

This soup tastes like horse piss.

GRANDDAD: Hey, wait a minute.

[♪♪♪]

Pff! I can't believe you're not blind, man.

Not Dorothy.

Please!

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

You did this to me. Riley, this your fault.

Dorothy! Don't go, Dorothy!

MAN: Don't forget to get the watermelon patch.

GRANDDAD: Please listen to me.

Somebody listen to me before I kick your ass...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yo, anybody home?

You know you can see us.

Fellas, we thought about it, and...

Well, here's your car back, man.

Thank you.

Thank you, Eczema. Thank you.

Yeah. We kinda felt bad for you guys.

Besides, our lawyers told us we couldn't keep the car.

Good-looking, my nigga. My man, Ex-convict.

I always said you were my favorite rapper.

I messes with Xzibit.

We'll just charge y'all for all the work we did on it:

$35,423.08.

[♪♪♪]

You Indian-giving-ass nigga. I hate you rappers,

with your bebop, bebop.

Why don't you exit out of my face, Exhibition.

I do not mess with Xzibit.

Bastard.

All right, here's the invoice.

And take your time with that.

Looks like money gonna be

tight around here for a minute.

[LAUGHS]

She does look nice.

All things considered,

I say we came out ahead.

[GROWLING]

Uh-oh.

Come here!

[♪♪♪]

I've come up with a name for you:

The White Shadow.

Hm.

I'm white, I'm shadowing you.

It's very clever.

And I've decided that you're a figment

of my overactive imagination.

Now who's hiding from reality?

Just because you're paranoid, Huey,

doesn't mean we're not out to get you.

If you are real,

why me?

Oh, come on.

You underestimate yourself.

It's a shame what happened to the house.

You warned them.

They wouldn't listen to me.

They never listen to me.

I know you wanna save the world, Huey,

but sometimes people have

to learn lessons on their own.

The hard way.

Well, can't miss the Idol.

If you ever wanna talk, remember...

I'm always listening.

♪ Da-da Da-da-da-da... ♪

HUEY [NARRATING]: Obi-Wan Kenobi said:

"Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them."

It seems to be getting harder distinguishing reality

from the illusions people make for us.

Or from the ones we make for ourselves.

I don't know. Maybe that's part of the plan:

to make me think I'm crazy.

It's working.

Anybody wanna drink out the fridge?

Or an espresso?

RILEY: Good night, Granddad.

I'll good your night.

Good night, Huey.

Good night, Riley.

RILEY: Good night, Huey's imaginary secret-agent friend.

[SNICKERS]

Granddad, Huey's imaginary friend

tried to touch me in a private place.

[LAUGHS]

[HUEY SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]