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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,366 --> 00:00:01,600 ♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪ 2 00:00:01,666 --> 00:00:03,066 ♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪ 3 00:00:03,133 --> 00:00:05,300 ♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪ 4 00:00:05,366 --> 00:00:07,066 ♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪ 5 00:00:07,133 --> 00:00:08,533 ♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪ 6 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,033 ♪ So that you can know Your left from your right ♪ 7 00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:13,066 ♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪ 8 00:00:13,133 --> 00:00:14,733 ♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪ 9 00:00:14,833 --> 00:00:16,000 ♪ To call your brother sun ♪ 10 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,433 ♪ The story that just begun ♪ 11 00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,033 ♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪ 12 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,500 ♪ And I'm-a remain a soldier ♪ 13 00:00:20,566 --> 00:00:22,300 ♪ Till the war is won ♪ 14 00:00:22,366 --> 00:00:25,300 ♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪ 15 00:00:25,366 --> 00:00:27,700 ♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪ 16 00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:30,166 ♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪ 17 00:00:30,233 --> 00:00:31,900 ♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪ 18 00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:34,933 [♪♪♪] 19 00:00:36,233 --> 00:00:37,966 JAZMINE: He knows when you been sleeping! 20 00:00:38,033 --> 00:00:39,400 MAN: All right. WOMAN: Amen. 21 00:00:39,466 --> 00:00:42,066 JAZMINE: He knows when you're awake! 22 00:00:42,133 --> 00:00:43,800 He knows if you've been bad or good, 23 00:00:43,866 --> 00:00:45,800 so be good for what? 24 00:00:45,866 --> 00:00:47,566 PEOPLE: Goodness sake. 25 00:00:47,666 --> 00:00:49,600 [CROWD CHEERING] 26 00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,633 Think about that. 27 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,500 Be good for goodness sake. 28 00:00:53,566 --> 00:00:54,500 Yes. 29 00:00:54,566 --> 00:00:56,333 Whose sake? 30 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,433 CHOIR: Goodness sake. 31 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:58,933 MAN 2: Speak, sister, speak! 32 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,433 ♪ It's time to take the ho's ♪ 33 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,733 ♪ Out the music videos ♪ 34 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,666 And put 'em in your mouth. 35 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:06,766 Somebody say "ho, ho, ho." 36 00:01:06,833 --> 00:01:08,666 ALL: Ho, ho, ho! 37 00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:11,200 Nowadays, people think "ho, ho, ho," 38 00:01:11,266 --> 00:01:12,933 means the Hilton sisters... 39 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,566 standing next to Nicole Richie. 40 00:01:15,633 --> 00:01:17,766 Now, that ain't no "ho, ho, ho." 41 00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:20,966 Somebody give me the real "ho, ho, ho," out there. 42 00:01:21,066 --> 00:01:22,766 ALL: Ho, ho, ho! 43 00:01:22,866 --> 00:01:24,500 Praise Santa! 44 00:01:25,766 --> 00:01:28,766 FedEx, UPS. 45 00:01:28,833 --> 00:01:30,733 They can ship the package. 46 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,000 ♪ But wait a minute ♪ 47 00:01:32,066 --> 00:01:33,300 MAN: Hold on! 48 00:01:33,366 --> 00:01:35,100 I know a man with a different kind 49 00:01:35,166 --> 00:01:37,066 of guaranteed overnight delivery. 50 00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:40,333 He's got his own overnight express. 51 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,533 Forget Airborne Express. 52 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,100 I'll take the reindeer express. 53 00:01:45,166 --> 00:01:47,000 'Cause it's free shipping on Christmas Eve. 54 00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:48,833 Somebody say... 55 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,733 ALL: Ho, ho, ho! 56 00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:53,500 Praise Santa. 57 00:01:53,566 --> 00:01:55,333 CHOIR: ♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪ 58 00:01:55,433 --> 00:01:57,266 ♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪ 59 00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:59,400 ♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪ 60 00:01:59,466 --> 00:02:01,133 ♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪ 61 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,200 [GASPS] 62 00:02:02,266 --> 00:02:04,000 Praise Santa. 63 00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:06,766 ["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING] 64 00:02:08,233 --> 00:02:10,500 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 65 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,233 MAN [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen, from the North Pole, 66 00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:18,600 may we present Santa Claus. 67 00:02:18,666 --> 00:02:20,500 Merry Christmas, kids. [ALL CHEERING] 68 00:02:20,566 --> 00:02:22,500 Hi, everybody. Hi. 69 00:02:22,566 --> 00:02:23,733 Ho, ho, ho. 70 00:02:26,533 --> 00:02:27,966 GIRL: Santa! 71 00:02:28,066 --> 00:02:29,933 SANTA: What a jolly day. 72 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,866 [SLURPING] 73 00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,533 GIRL 2: I love you, Santa! 74 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,000 Hi, Santa! 75 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:47,566 Hey, Merry Christ-- [LAUGHING] 76 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,300 [YELLS] 77 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,000 ALL: Santa! 78 00:02:53,066 --> 00:02:55,500 Yeah, I got your ass, Santa! 79 00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:58,100 [GROANS] 80 00:02:59,133 --> 00:03:01,066 RILEY: I'm comin' for that ass! 81 00:03:01,166 --> 00:03:03,433 [GROANING] 82 00:03:04,766 --> 00:03:06,200 [SIGHS] 83 00:03:06,266 --> 00:03:07,700 Punk yo ass! 84 00:03:07,766 --> 00:03:09,533 Uh-oh. 85 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,600 GIRL 2: He's killing him! 86 00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:17,033 What the fuck? 87 00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:20,400 You all just gonna stand there and watch me get my ass kicked? 88 00:03:20,466 --> 00:03:22,900 Nobody had my back, huh? 89 00:03:22,966 --> 00:03:26,633 Nobody's got Santa's back? Ain't this a bitch. 90 00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:29,033 That's fucked up with y'all. 91 00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:30,333 GIRL 2: Santa said the F-word! 92 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,866 WOMAN: Even Santa gets angry sometimes. 93 00:03:32,933 --> 00:03:34,866 [♪♪♪] 94 00:03:34,966 --> 00:03:37,500 MAN: And the sixth day of Kwanzaa is Kuji-- 95 00:03:37,566 --> 00:03:40,433 Ku-- Uh, uh-- Ku-- 96 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,766 Wow, this is really complicated. 97 00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,233 The sixth day is... 98 00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,566 Er, uh... Kuumba. 99 00:03:46,633 --> 00:03:50,066 Kuuuuumbaaaa. 100 00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:53,266 HUEY: Harold Kennedy Uberwitz was my history teacher. 101 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:54,566 He was culturally sensitive. 102 00:03:54,633 --> 00:03:57,500 And on Kuumbay-- Uh, Kuumba-- 103 00:03:57,566 --> 00:03:59,633 Uh, the elder-- Okay, that would be me. 104 00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:03,300 --leads everyone in the Harambee salute. 105 00:04:03,366 --> 00:04:06,233 [YAWNING] And that goes like: 106 00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:09,600 Harambee! 107 00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:11,333 Okay, great. 108 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,666 So who wants to join me in the Harambee salute? 109 00:04:13,733 --> 00:04:16,200 Anyone? Huey? 110 00:04:16,266 --> 00:04:17,800 [SIGHS] 111 00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:18,966 You sure? 112 00:04:19,033 --> 00:04:21,466 It's Kwanzaa. 113 00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:24,333 Okay, no problem. Here we go. 114 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,900 Harambee! 115 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,600 Harambee! 116 00:04:27,666 --> 00:04:28,633 Harambee! 117 00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:30,566 Harambee! 118 00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:32,133 Harambee! 119 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,266 Harambee! 120 00:04:33,333 --> 00:04:35,000 Harambee! 121 00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:36,400 Harambee! 122 00:04:36,466 --> 00:04:37,666 Harambee! 123 00:04:37,733 --> 00:04:39,866 ["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING] 124 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,400 HUEY: You want me to direct the Christmas play? 125 00:04:45,466 --> 00:04:49,366 UBERWITZ: Absolutely. I-I think you'll do a fantastic job. 126 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:51,900 First of all, I don't give a damn about Christmas. 127 00:04:51,966 --> 00:04:56,000 You don't have to do a traditional Christmas play. 128 00:04:56,066 --> 00:04:58,700 No, you can do whatever you want. 129 00:04:58,766 --> 00:04:59,733 You'll be fired. 130 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,333 Fired? For what? 131 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,966 For being an irresponsible white person. 132 00:05:04,033 --> 00:05:06,533 I would really love to see your vision. 133 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:10,033 Vision? What do you know about my vision? 134 00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:12,700 My vision would turn your world upside-down, 135 00:05:12,766 --> 00:05:14,000 tear asunder your illusions, 136 00:05:14,066 --> 00:05:16,033 and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance 137 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,866 crashing down around you. 138 00:05:17,933 --> 00:05:19,800 Now, ask yourself: 139 00:05:19,866 --> 00:05:22,266 Are you really ready to see that vision? 140 00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:25,366 We'll give you complete creative control. 141 00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:29,133 I want it in writing. 142 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,233 WOMAN [OVER TV]: And suddenly, there was with the angel-- 143 00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:35,033 GRANDDAD: A multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, 144 00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:38,200 and saying, "Glory to God in the highest and on Earth, 145 00:05:38,266 --> 00:05:39,533 peace, goodwill toward men." 146 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,066 [SOBBING] 147 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,233 And that's what Christmas is all about. 148 00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,133 Mm-hm. 149 00:05:47,233 --> 00:05:48,700 You hear that, boy? 150 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,533 That's what Christmas is all about. 151 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,166 Actually, Granddad, Christmas is a pagan holiday. 152 00:05:54,233 --> 00:05:56,766 And Jesus probably hates you for celebrating it. 153 00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:59,366 There ain't gonna be no Scrooges in this house, boy! 154 00:05:59,433 --> 00:06:01,900 Look, Granddad, it's clear from the scripture 155 00:06:01,966 --> 00:06:04,266 that Jesus was not born in winter. 156 00:06:04,333 --> 00:06:06,666 The shepherds, who saw the angels announcing his birth, 157 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:09,133 would not have been out in their fields in December. 158 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,466 The Palestinian winters are too cold. 159 00:06:11,533 --> 00:06:13,833 If you believe in that sort of thing. 160 00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:15,500 The truth is, Christmas evolved 161 00:06:15,566 --> 00:06:17,666 from the Roman holiday Saturnalia, 162 00:06:17,733 --> 00:06:20,600 a winter festival where men gave gifts to each other. 163 00:06:20,666 --> 00:06:22,166 They also would get drunk, 164 00:06:22,266 --> 00:06:24,566 have sex with each other and beat their wives. 165 00:06:24,633 --> 00:06:26,666 People would act so crazy on Christmas, 166 00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:29,300 the holiday was outlawed by the Protestant church 167 00:06:29,366 --> 00:06:30,933 until the 1800s. 168 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,800 As a matter of fact, the United States Congress... 169 00:06:33,866 --> 00:06:35,066 [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] 170 00:06:40,766 --> 00:06:42,666 Granddad? Granddad! 171 00:06:42,733 --> 00:06:45,266 I'm sorry, boy. Wh-wh-what was that? 172 00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:48,166 I just explained the entire history of Christmas. 173 00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:52,833 But it was booooring, Huey. 174 00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:56,266 You just, "Blah, blah, gay sex. Blah, blah, Congress." 175 00:06:56,366 --> 00:06:58,300 You know, you gotta be interesting. 176 00:06:58,366 --> 00:07:00,366 You're gonna talk me to death. Talk, talk, talk. 177 00:07:00,433 --> 00:07:02,133 [KEYBOARD CLICKING] 178 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,866 HUEY: And that's when it hit me. 179 00:07:03,933 --> 00:07:06,600 The world needed to see my vision. 180 00:07:06,666 --> 00:07:08,433 But I needed to dress it up first. 181 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:11,333 It needed scale and drama and special effects. 182 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,633 What are you doing? 183 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,433 I'm writing a letter to Santa. 184 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,666 "Dear Santa. 185 00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:23,000 You are a bitch nigga--" 186 00:07:23,066 --> 00:07:25,200 Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up, hold up. 187 00:07:25,266 --> 00:07:27,500 "Dear Santa. 188 00:07:27,566 --> 00:07:30,533 "You are a bitch ass nigga. 189 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:36,466 "I heard the mall is hiring extra security to protect you. 190 00:07:36,533 --> 00:07:39,166 "That's a bitch move, Santa. 191 00:07:39,233 --> 00:07:44,800 "I'm coming for that ass again until you pay what you owe. 192 00:07:44,866 --> 00:07:46,666 "Sincerely yours, 193 00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,866 the Santa Stalker." 194 00:07:51,233 --> 00:07:52,833 JAZMINE: I think you should do a play 195 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,666 about what Christmas is really about. 196 00:07:54,733 --> 00:07:57,533 Christmas is about how Santa died for our gifts 197 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:02,066 and rose from the dead and moved to the North Pole. 198 00:08:02,166 --> 00:08:04,433 And because of that, every year, 199 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,133 Santa comes down to forgive us our sins 200 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,666 and give us eternal presents. 201 00:08:08,733 --> 00:08:11,000 Man, Santa these nuts! 202 00:08:11,066 --> 00:08:13,600 Where was Santa when we was in the 'hood, huh? 203 00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:15,900 Santa ain't show a nigga no love back then. 204 00:08:15,966 --> 00:08:20,366 I didn't ask for much. Just rims. Not even a whole car. 205 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,100 And what did we get? Nothin'. 206 00:08:22,166 --> 00:08:24,600 That nigga gonna pay what he owe. 207 00:08:24,666 --> 00:08:26,666 [♪♪♪] 208 00:08:38,366 --> 00:08:40,733 Merry Christmas, Mr. Uberwitz. 209 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,566 Are you here to see Mr. Freeman? 210 00:08:42,633 --> 00:08:43,566 Uh... 211 00:08:43,633 --> 00:08:44,766 yeah. 212 00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:48,166 One second. Mr. Uberwitz is here. 213 00:08:48,233 --> 00:08:51,766 Okay. He's just finishing up another meeting. 214 00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:53,633 You can have a seat in the hallway. 215 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,166 Can I get you anything? 216 00:08:55,233 --> 00:08:56,466 Some water? 217 00:08:56,533 --> 00:08:59,133 No, I'm fine. Thank you. 218 00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:03,133 Huey? 219 00:09:04,533 --> 00:09:08,066 Oh, hey, Mr. Uberwitz. This is Quincy Jones. 220 00:09:08,166 --> 00:09:10,000 I've asked him to come in and co-produce. 221 00:09:10,066 --> 00:09:12,000 How are you, man? 222 00:09:12,066 --> 00:09:15,666 I-I-I'm good. How do--? How do you know Huey? 223 00:09:15,733 --> 00:09:17,266 Oh, me and Huey go way back. 224 00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:18,366 And by the way, 225 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,266 I hope you're not gonna be getting strange 226 00:09:20,333 --> 00:09:21,966 with the change on the music budget. 227 00:09:22,033 --> 00:09:23,800 Music budget? 228 00:09:23,866 --> 00:09:25,233 [ROWDY HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 229 00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:28,433 What the--? 230 00:09:31,266 --> 00:09:32,333 [FEEDBACK SQUEALS] 231 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,666 ALL: Hey! 232 00:09:33,733 --> 00:09:36,100 Have y'all lost your damn minds? 233 00:09:36,166 --> 00:09:38,333 Opening night is less than two weeks away, 234 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,333 and y'all wanna party? 235 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,433 We're just having some fun. 236 00:09:41,533 --> 00:09:45,000 Fun? Do I look like Charlie Brown? 237 00:09:45,066 --> 00:09:46,266 BOY: No. 238 00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:49,000 Do I look like Charlie Brown? 239 00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:51,933 You know what? All y'all are fired! 240 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,166 What? Fired? 241 00:09:53,233 --> 00:09:55,633 Did I stutter? Beat it! 242 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:56,666 UBERWITZ: Huey-- 243 00:09:56,733 --> 00:09:58,900 But i-it... It's the entire cast. 244 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,266 Are you sure that's a good idea? 245 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,300 [CLEARS THROAT] 246 00:10:01,366 --> 00:10:02,300 Contract. 247 00:10:02,366 --> 00:10:04,466 I'm...sorry, guys. 248 00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:06,033 GIRL: I can't believe it. 249 00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:08,533 Hey, don't be lookin' at me. 250 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,133 Don't look at Quincy Jones. 251 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,866 Quincy Jones ain't gonna help you. 252 00:10:11,933 --> 00:10:14,033 Get your asses out. Now! 253 00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:18,233 Is there any money in the budget for a casting director? 254 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:19,666 [♪♪♪] 255 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,966 [PIANO PLAYING "AWAY IN A MANGER"] 256 00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:28,233 That's right, Bob. 257 00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:29,800 A little bit of the Christmas spirit 258 00:10:29,866 --> 00:10:31,400 is returning to Woodcrest, 259 00:10:31,466 --> 00:10:33,666 as Santa Claus makes his first appearance 260 00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:36,166 since being assaulted by the unknown, 261 00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:39,400 but probably Arab, Santa Stalker, one week ago. 262 00:10:39,466 --> 00:10:41,733 And you're gonna protect me, right? 263 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,866 Now, don't you worry about a thing, Mr. Santa Claus, sir. 264 00:10:45,933 --> 00:10:47,133 I got you covered. 265 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,066 RUCKUS: Now, I know I'm a very large man, 266 00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:52,100 but I'm a picture of athleticism. 267 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,566 Well, hello there. 268 00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:58,066 And what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas? 269 00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:00,066 I want a-- 270 00:11:00,133 --> 00:11:03,233 Uh, Santa, you got a red dot on your head. 271 00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:06,966 [♪♪♪] 272 00:11:08,766 --> 00:11:11,133 Nooooooooo! 273 00:11:14,866 --> 00:11:18,266 Ow! Goddamn! 274 00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:20,700 That had to pierce a spleen or somethin'. 275 00:11:20,766 --> 00:11:22,866 [WOMAN SCREAMS] MAN: God! Medic! Medic! 276 00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,633 Merry Christmas, nigga! 277 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:26,433 [GASPS] 278 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:29,700 Aah! Santa, why? 279 00:11:29,766 --> 00:11:33,033 GIRL: You ruined my childhood! 280 00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,066 [GRUNTS] 281 00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:37,900 You gonna pay what you owe, Santa! 282 00:11:37,966 --> 00:11:40,433 You gonna pay what you owe! 283 00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:43,866 RILEY: Running like a bitch. 284 00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:46,033 [PISTOL POPPING, PEOPLE YELLING] 285 00:11:46,833 --> 00:11:48,366 [BELLS JINGLING] 286 00:11:50,333 --> 00:11:53,633 [PANTING] Backup. I need backup. 287 00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,566 I'm fat. I can't run very fast. 288 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,633 I think I'm having a heart attack 289 00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:01,266 and a couple of light strokes. 290 00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,600 Merry Christmas, nigga. 291 00:12:07,666 --> 00:12:09,100 [CLICKING] 292 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,433 Damn. 293 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,966 [BEETHOVEN'S "FUR ELISE" PLAYING] 294 00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:24,033 [MURMURING] 295 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,133 HUEY: Okay, now... 296 00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:32,466 for the role of the third wise man, 297 00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:36,666 we have Mr. Fogelbury or Denzel Washington. 298 00:12:36,733 --> 00:12:39,433 I say, Denzel. 299 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,066 Yeah, me too. 300 00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:42,566 Okay, and for the role of Mary, 301 00:12:42,633 --> 00:12:44,666 we have third-grade science teacher, 302 00:12:44,733 --> 00:12:47,966 Mrs. Peterson or Angela Bassett. 303 00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:51,233 Well, Mrs. Peterson gave a serious read. 304 00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:52,900 Yeah, she sure did. 305 00:12:52,966 --> 00:12:55,233 But I say, Angela Bassett. 306 00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,433 Yeah, me too. 307 00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:59,133 Guys, how do we afford 308 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,500 Denzel Washington and Angela Bassett? 309 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,033 I don't know. 310 00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:05,300 Have we gotten word yet on Will Smith's availability? 311 00:13:05,366 --> 00:13:09,166 W-whoa, whoa, whoa. we can't afford Will Smith. 312 00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:10,766 Damn the budget! 313 00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:13,666 What we're doing is more important than money. 314 00:13:13,733 --> 00:13:15,633 We will change Christmas 315 00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:18,800 and elementary-school theater forever. 316 00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,433 But we don't have the money. 317 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,533 [CLEARS THROAT] 318 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,166 Contract. 319 00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:28,333 ["HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING" PLAYING] 320 00:14:10,133 --> 00:14:11,933 JAZMINE: Oh, Huey. 321 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,833 You've got a lunch meeting at 11:30 322 00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:16,166 about the sound effects for the dogfight sequence. 323 00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:17,366 Cancel it. 324 00:14:17,433 --> 00:14:19,833 The PTA is threatening a boycott of the play 325 00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,100 since you fired all the kids. 326 00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:22,133 [YAWNS] 327 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,500 Don't care. 328 00:14:23,566 --> 00:14:25,600 And the principal's in your office 329 00:14:25,666 --> 00:14:27,000 to talk about the script. 330 00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,000 Who? 331 00:14:28,066 --> 00:14:29,433 First of all, 332 00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,833 I just wanted you to know we're thrilled with the script. 333 00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,466 Absolutely fantastic. 334 00:14:33,533 --> 00:14:34,733 Brilliant. 335 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:35,933 Wouldn't change a thing. 336 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,433 We just had a couple of notes. 337 00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:38,533 One or two. 338 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,033 Nothing significant. 339 00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,433 PRINCIPAL: Let's see, uh, there's a typo 340 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:43,700 on page five. 341 00:14:43,766 --> 00:14:46,200 Uh, there's a continuity problem on page 32. 342 00:14:46,266 --> 00:14:49,000 I think that scene's supposed to be at night. 343 00:14:49,066 --> 00:14:51,366 Um, let's see, um-- Oh, yeah, um, and, uh-- 344 00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:52,900 Jesus can't be black. 345 00:14:52,966 --> 00:14:55,200 What do you mean he can't be black? 346 00:14:55,266 --> 00:14:56,533 He can't be black. 347 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,533 Maybe we can make Jesus another color. 348 00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,533 How 'bout white? 349 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,466 But Jesus was black. 350 00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,466 We could probably do Italian. 351 00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:05,033 Jesus was Middle Eastern. 352 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:06,466 In addition to Arabs, 353 00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:09,366 the Middle East has always had many people of African descent, 354 00:15:09,433 --> 00:15:10,866 whom you would consider black. 355 00:15:10,933 --> 00:15:12,200 Sorry, can't do it. 356 00:15:12,266 --> 00:15:13,266 [CLEARS THROAT] 357 00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:15,333 Oh, right. That. 358 00:15:19,833 --> 00:15:21,566 [CHIMES JINGLING] 359 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,933 Best of luck. 360 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,200 Break a leg. 361 00:15:26,266 --> 00:15:29,000 I can't wait for opening night. 362 00:15:29,966 --> 00:15:32,166 [♪♪♪] 363 00:15:40,966 --> 00:15:42,566 Riley? Jazmine. 364 00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:45,066 Riley, you came to see Santa. 365 00:15:45,133 --> 00:15:46,800 Shh! 366 00:15:46,866 --> 00:15:49,966 MAN [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen, from the North Pole, 367 00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:54,266 the reeeeal Santa Claus! 368 00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:55,866 [ALL CHEERING] 369 00:15:58,366 --> 00:16:00,000 [CHEERING STOPS] 370 00:16:00,066 --> 00:16:01,600 What the hell? 371 00:16:01,666 --> 00:16:05,066 Hey, there, pretty little white children. 372 00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:09,500 Now, look at all them precious little vanilla-colored faces. 373 00:16:09,566 --> 00:16:12,000 I heard this was the only guy they could find to do it. 374 00:16:12,066 --> 00:16:14,566 Now, I know y'all think old Santa Claus 375 00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:16,466 look a little bit darker than he used to. 376 00:16:16,533 --> 00:16:17,833 Ho, ho! 377 00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:19,833 But see, that's just 'cause Santa Claus 378 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,233 got a little bit of re-vitiligo. 379 00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:25,333 See, that's the opposite of what Michael Jackson got. 380 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:28,266 Don't worry, no Jesus juice up here. 381 00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:31,700 Come on, let's get this show on the road. 382 00:16:31,766 --> 00:16:33,533 That's not Santa! 383 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,466 Okay, who's first? 384 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:39,733 [ALL CLAMORING] 385 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,266 That's not Santa. It's an impostor! 386 00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:45,000 Beware of the false Santa! 387 00:16:45,066 --> 00:16:47,166 Kids, kids, calm down. 388 00:16:47,233 --> 00:16:50,233 Accompanying parents, calm down as well. 389 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,233 I am the real Santa Claus. 390 00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:55,200 Ho, ho, ho. Look at my belly shake. 391 00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:57,666 The heartbreaker re-vitiligo 392 00:16:57,733 --> 00:17:01,733 is a very serious life-threatening condition. 393 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,833 ["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING] 394 00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:10,366 Hey, I've been in show business a long time, Huey. 395 00:17:10,433 --> 00:17:12,533 This kind of thing comes with the territory. 396 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,000 I know you'll do the right thing. 397 00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:23,866 UBERWITZ: Huey, it could still be a great play. 398 00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:26,533 We could cut a few scenes. Make some changes to the script. 399 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,366 [SIGHS] Huey. 400 00:17:28,466 --> 00:17:30,966 We have to put something on. 401 00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:33,466 Do what you have to do. 402 00:17:33,533 --> 00:17:36,000 Just take my name off of it. 403 00:17:36,066 --> 00:17:37,566 Won't be my vision. 404 00:17:42,266 --> 00:17:43,966 Hello. 405 00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:46,733 Yeah. Yeah, it's resolved. 406 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,633 We'll be ready to put the play on tomorrow. 407 00:17:50,933 --> 00:17:53,466 Why doesn't the real Santa come? 408 00:17:53,533 --> 00:17:56,966 'Cause there ain't no real Santa. 409 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,100 HUEY: We all want to believe in miracles on Christmas. 410 00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,600 [SOBBING] 411 00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:14,466 All of us. 412 00:18:16,466 --> 00:18:17,933 [CHIMES JINGLING] 413 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:24,100 RUCKUS: No Santa Claus? 414 00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:27,433 Well, I'd expect a heathen nigglet like Riley 415 00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:29,166 to say something like that. 416 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:32,333 But, Jazmine, I'm surprised at you. 417 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:33,966 Being a mulatto and all, 418 00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:36,533 you've supposed to have more sense. 419 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:37,700 Huh? 420 00:18:37,766 --> 00:18:40,233 I'm Special Agent Ruckus. 421 00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,233 Shh! 422 00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:44,433 Volunteer Santa Security. 423 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:46,700 Santa has reason to believe 424 00:18:46,766 --> 00:18:49,100 that your little jungle friend Riley 425 00:18:49,166 --> 00:18:51,800 may be the Santa Stalker. 426 00:18:51,866 --> 00:18:55,466 That makes perfect sense. 427 00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:58,166 Mm-hm. Santa couldn't come this year. 428 00:18:58,233 --> 00:19:00,133 Just wasn't safe. 429 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,033 Maybe next year. 430 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,466 So...he's real? 431 00:19:05,533 --> 00:19:10,233 Real as the Irish blood charging through my veins. 432 00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,466 HUEY: But Christmas miracles only happen 433 00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:14,666 in the lies adults tell to children. 434 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,466 And maybe in Christmas specials. 435 00:19:20,533 --> 00:19:24,000 Mr. Uberwitz put on the play as scheduled. 436 00:19:24,066 --> 00:19:25,566 Not a single word was changed. 437 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:29,700 [ALL LAUGHING] 438 00:19:31,733 --> 00:19:33,633 [ALL SOBBING] 439 00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:37,366 [APPLAUSE] 440 00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:42,300 And so, by some miracle, 441 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,600 the world saw my vision that night. 442 00:19:44,666 --> 00:19:46,100 The Adventures of Black Jesus 443 00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:48,700 received a 20-minute standing ovation. 444 00:19:48,766 --> 00:19:51,533 It was called "a stunning revolution in theatre" 445 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,433 by the Woodcrest Post Gazette. 446 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:58,366 Unfortunately, the PTA protest had gained some ground. 447 00:19:58,433 --> 00:20:00,700 Seems that people didn't care about my vision. 448 00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:03,500 They cared about seeing their kids on stage. 449 00:20:03,566 --> 00:20:05,200 Who knew? 450 00:20:05,266 --> 00:20:06,700 JAZMINE: Yay, Huey! 451 00:20:06,766 --> 00:20:09,200 Yay! 452 00:20:09,266 --> 00:20:10,866 [BOTH SNORING] 453 00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:14,433 Mr. Uberwitz was fired for disobeying orders 454 00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:17,400 and for generally being an irresponsible white person. 455 00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,466 UBERWITZ: Harambee! 456 00:20:19,533 --> 00:20:20,466 ALL: Harambee! 457 00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:21,566 Harambee! 458 00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:23,033 ALL: Harambee! 459 00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,800 HUEY: ■ He would later become a professor 460 00:20:24,866 --> 00:20:28,200 of African American Studies at the University of Maryland. 461 00:20:28,266 --> 00:20:30,933 [APPLAUSE] 462 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,766 No video exists of the one-time-only performance 463 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,400 of The Adventures of Black Jesus. 464 00:20:36,466 --> 00:20:40,200 Just as well. I hate looking at my old work. 465 00:20:40,266 --> 00:20:42,633 ["JOY TO THE WORLD" PLAYING] 466 00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:47,433 Ahhh! 467 00:20:48,966 --> 00:20:51,733 I heard you work for Santa. 468 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,466 I got a message for him. 469 00:20:53,533 --> 00:20:55,833 Tell him Riley said, 470 00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:58,833 I'll be waiting for his ass next Christmas. 471 00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,466 And that nigga better pay what he owe! 472 00:21:01,533 --> 00:21:02,600 Ow! 473 00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:06,166 [♪♪♪] 32425

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