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♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪
2
00:00:01,666 --> 00:00:03,066
♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
3
00:00:03,133 --> 00:00:05,300
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
4
00:00:05,366 --> 00:00:07,066
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
5
00:00:07,133 --> 00:00:08,533
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
6
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,033
♪ So that you can know
Your left from your right ♪
7
00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:13,066
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
8
00:00:13,133 --> 00:00:14,733
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
9
00:00:14,833 --> 00:00:16,000
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
10
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,433
♪ The story that just begun ♪
11
00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,033
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
12
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,500
♪ And I'm-a remain a soldier ♪
13
00:00:20,566 --> 00:00:22,300
♪ Till the war is won ♪
14
00:00:22,366 --> 00:00:25,300
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
15
00:00:25,366 --> 00:00:27,700
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
16
00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:30,166
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
17
00:00:30,233 --> 00:00:31,900
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
18
00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:34,933
[♪♪♪]
19
00:00:36,233 --> 00:00:37,966
JAZMINE:
He knows when you been sleeping!
20
00:00:38,033 --> 00:00:39,400
MAN: All right.
WOMAN: Amen.
21
00:00:39,466 --> 00:00:42,066
JAZMINE:
He knows when you're awake!
22
00:00:42,133 --> 00:00:43,800
He knows if you've
been bad or good,
23
00:00:43,866 --> 00:00:45,800
so be good for what?
24
00:00:45,866 --> 00:00:47,566
PEOPLE:
Goodness sake.
25
00:00:47,666 --> 00:00:49,600
[CROWD CHEERING]
26
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,633
Think about that.
27
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,500
Be good for goodness sake.
28
00:00:53,566 --> 00:00:54,500
Yes.
29
00:00:54,566 --> 00:00:56,333
Whose sake?
30
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,433
CHOIR:
Goodness sake.
31
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:58,933
MAN 2:
Speak, sister, speak!
32
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,433
♪ It's time to take the ho's ♪
33
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,733
♪ Out the music videos ♪
34
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,666
And put 'em in your mouth.
35
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:06,766
Somebody say "ho, ho, ho."
36
00:01:06,833 --> 00:01:08,666
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!
37
00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:11,200
Nowadays,
people think "ho, ho, ho,"
38
00:01:11,266 --> 00:01:12,933
means the Hilton sisters...
39
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,566
standing next to Nicole Richie.
40
00:01:15,633 --> 00:01:17,766
Now, that ain't no "ho, ho, ho."
41
00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:20,966
Somebody give me the real
"ho, ho, ho," out there.
42
00:01:21,066 --> 00:01:22,766
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!
43
00:01:22,866 --> 00:01:24,500
Praise Santa!
44
00:01:25,766 --> 00:01:28,766
FedEx, UPS.
45
00:01:28,833 --> 00:01:30,733
They can ship the package.
46
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,000
♪ But wait a minute ♪
47
00:01:32,066 --> 00:01:33,300
MAN:
Hold on!
48
00:01:33,366 --> 00:01:35,100
I know a man
with a different kind
49
00:01:35,166 --> 00:01:37,066
of guaranteed
overnight delivery.
50
00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:40,333
He's got his own
overnight express.
51
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,533
Forget Airborne Express.
52
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,100
I'll take the reindeer express.
53
00:01:45,166 --> 00:01:47,000
'Cause it's free shipping
on Christmas Eve.
54
00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:48,833
Somebody say...
55
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,733
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!
56
00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:53,500
Praise Santa.
57
00:01:53,566 --> 00:01:55,333
CHOIR:
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
58
00:01:55,433 --> 00:01:57,266
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
59
00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:59,400
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
60
00:01:59,466 --> 00:02:01,133
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
61
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,200
[GASPS]
62
00:02:02,266 --> 00:02:04,000
Praise Santa.
63
00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:06,766
["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]
64
00:02:08,233 --> 00:02:10,500
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
65
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,233
MAN [OVER PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
from the North Pole,
66
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:18,600
may we present Santa Claus.
67
00:02:18,666 --> 00:02:20,500
Merry Christmas, kids.
[ALL CHEERING]
68
00:02:20,566 --> 00:02:22,500
Hi, everybody. Hi.
69
00:02:22,566 --> 00:02:23,733
Ho, ho, ho.
70
00:02:26,533 --> 00:02:27,966
GIRL:
Santa!
71
00:02:28,066 --> 00:02:29,933
SANTA:
What a jolly day.
72
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,866
[SLURPING]
73
00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,533
GIRL 2:
I love you, Santa!
74
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,000
Hi, Santa!
75
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:47,566
Hey, Merry Christ--
[LAUGHING]
76
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,300
[YELLS]
77
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,000
ALL:
Santa!
78
00:02:53,066 --> 00:02:55,500
Yeah, I got your ass, Santa!
79
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:58,100
[GROANS]
80
00:02:59,133 --> 00:03:01,066
RILEY:
I'm comin' for that ass!
81
00:03:01,166 --> 00:03:03,433
[GROANING]
82
00:03:04,766 --> 00:03:06,200
[SIGHS]
83
00:03:06,266 --> 00:03:07,700
Punk yo ass!
84
00:03:07,766 --> 00:03:09,533
Uh-oh.
85
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,600
GIRL 2:
He's killing him!
86
00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:17,033
What the fuck?
87
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:20,400
You all just gonna stand there
and watch me get my ass kicked?
88
00:03:20,466 --> 00:03:22,900
Nobody had my back, huh?
89
00:03:22,966 --> 00:03:26,633
Nobody's got Santa's back?
Ain't this a bitch.
90
00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:29,033
That's fucked up with y'all.
91
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:30,333
GIRL 2:
Santa said the F-word!
92
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,866
WOMAN:
Even Santa gets angry sometimes.
93
00:03:32,933 --> 00:03:34,866
[♪♪♪]
94
00:03:34,966 --> 00:03:37,500
MAN:
And the sixth day of Kwanzaa
is Kuji--
95
00:03:37,566 --> 00:03:40,433
Ku-- Uh, uh-- Ku--
96
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,766
Wow, this is really complicated.
97
00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,233
The sixth day is...
98
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,566
Er, uh... Kuumba.
99
00:03:46,633 --> 00:03:50,066
Kuuuuumbaaaa.
100
00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:53,266
HUEY:
Harold Kennedy Uberwitz
was my history teacher.
101
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:54,566
He was culturally sensitive.
102
00:03:54,633 --> 00:03:57,500
And on Kuumbay--
Uh, Kuumba--
103
00:03:57,566 --> 00:03:59,633
Uh, the elder--
Okay, that would be me.
104
00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:03,300
--leads everyone
in the Harambee salute.
105
00:04:03,366 --> 00:04:06,233
[YAWNING]
And that goes like:
106
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:09,600
Harambee!
107
00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:11,333
Okay, great.
108
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,666
So who wants to join me
in the Harambee salute?
109
00:04:13,733 --> 00:04:16,200
Anyone? Huey?
110
00:04:16,266 --> 00:04:17,800
[SIGHS]
111
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:18,966
You sure?
112
00:04:19,033 --> 00:04:21,466
It's Kwanzaa.
113
00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:24,333
Okay, no problem.
Here we go.
114
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,900
Harambee!
115
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,600
Harambee!
116
00:04:27,666 --> 00:04:28,633
Harambee!
117
00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:30,566
Harambee!
118
00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:32,133
Harambee!
119
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,266
Harambee!
120
00:04:33,333 --> 00:04:35,000
Harambee!
121
00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:36,400
Harambee!
122
00:04:36,466 --> 00:04:37,666
Harambee!
123
00:04:37,733 --> 00:04:39,866
["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]
124
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,400
HUEY:
You want me to direct
the Christmas play?
125
00:04:45,466 --> 00:04:49,366
UBERWITZ:
Absolutely. I-I think
you'll do a fantastic job.
126
00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:51,900
First of all, I don't
give a damn about Christmas.
127
00:04:51,966 --> 00:04:56,000
You don't have to do
a traditional Christmas play.
128
00:04:56,066 --> 00:04:58,700
No, you can do
whatever you want.
129
00:04:58,766 --> 00:04:59,733
You'll be fired.
130
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,333
Fired? For what?
131
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,966
For being an irresponsible
white person.
132
00:05:04,033 --> 00:05:06,533
I would really love
to see your vision.
133
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:10,033
Vision? What do you know
about my vision?
134
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:12,700
My vision would turn
your world upside-down,
135
00:05:12,766 --> 00:05:14,000
tear asunder
your illusions,
136
00:05:14,066 --> 00:05:16,033
and send the sanctuary
of your own ignorance
137
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,866
crashing down around you.
138
00:05:17,933 --> 00:05:19,800
Now, ask yourself:
139
00:05:19,866 --> 00:05:22,266
Are you really ready
to see that vision?
140
00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:25,366
We'll give you complete
creative control.
141
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:29,133
I want it in writing.
142
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,233
WOMAN [OVER TV]:
And suddenly,
there was with the angel--
143
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:35,033
GRANDDAD:
A multitude of the heavenly
host, praising God,
144
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:38,200
and saying, "Glory to God
in the highest and on Earth,
145
00:05:38,266 --> 00:05:39,533
peace, goodwill toward men."
146
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,066
[SOBBING]
147
00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,233
And that's what Christmas
is all about.
148
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,133
Mm-hm.
149
00:05:47,233 --> 00:05:48,700
You hear that, boy?
150
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,533
That's what Christmas
is all about.
151
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,166
Actually, Granddad,
Christmas is a pagan holiday.
152
00:05:54,233 --> 00:05:56,766
And Jesus probably hates you
for celebrating it.
153
00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:59,366
There ain't gonna be no Scrooges
in this house, boy!
154
00:05:59,433 --> 00:06:01,900
Look, Granddad,
it's clear from the scripture
155
00:06:01,966 --> 00:06:04,266
that Jesus was not born
in winter.
156
00:06:04,333 --> 00:06:06,666
The shepherds, who saw
the angels announcing his birth,
157
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:09,133
would not have been out
in their fields in December.
158
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,466
The Palestinian winters
are too cold.
159
00:06:11,533 --> 00:06:13,833
If you believe
in that sort of thing.
160
00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:15,500
The truth is,
Christmas evolved
161
00:06:15,566 --> 00:06:17,666
from the Roman holiday
Saturnalia,
162
00:06:17,733 --> 00:06:20,600
a winter festival where men
gave gifts to each other.
163
00:06:20,666 --> 00:06:22,166
They also would get drunk,
164
00:06:22,266 --> 00:06:24,566
have sex with each other
and beat their wives.
165
00:06:24,633 --> 00:06:26,666
People would act so crazy
on Christmas,
166
00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:29,300
the holiday was outlawed
by the Protestant church
167
00:06:29,366 --> 00:06:30,933
until the 1800s.
168
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,800
As a matter of fact,
the United States Congress...
169
00:06:33,866 --> 00:06:35,066
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
170
00:06:40,766 --> 00:06:42,666
Granddad?
Granddad!
171
00:06:42,733 --> 00:06:45,266
I'm sorry, boy.
Wh-wh-what was that?
172
00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:48,166
I just explained
the entire history of Christmas.
173
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:52,833
But it was booooring, Huey.
174
00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:56,266
You just, "Blah, blah, gay sex.
Blah, blah, Congress."
175
00:06:56,366 --> 00:06:58,300
You know,
you gotta be interesting.
176
00:06:58,366 --> 00:07:00,366
You're gonna talk me to death.
Talk, talk, talk.
177
00:07:00,433 --> 00:07:02,133
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
178
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,866
HUEY:
And that's when it hit me.
179
00:07:03,933 --> 00:07:06,600
The world needed
to see my vision.
180
00:07:06,666 --> 00:07:08,433
But I needed
to dress it up first.
181
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:11,333
It needed scale and drama
and special effects.
182
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,633
What are you doing?
183
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,433
I'm writing a letter
to Santa.
184
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,666
"Dear Santa.
185
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:23,000
You are a bitch nigga--"
186
00:07:23,066 --> 00:07:25,200
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
187
00:07:25,266 --> 00:07:27,500
"Dear Santa.
188
00:07:27,566 --> 00:07:30,533
"You are a bitch ass nigga.
189
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:36,466
"I heard the mall is hiring
extra security to protect you.
190
00:07:36,533 --> 00:07:39,166
"That's a bitch move, Santa.
191
00:07:39,233 --> 00:07:44,800
"I'm coming for that ass again
until you pay what you owe.
192
00:07:44,866 --> 00:07:46,666
"Sincerely yours,
193
00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,866
the Santa Stalker."
194
00:07:51,233 --> 00:07:52,833
JAZMINE:
I think you should do a play
195
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,666
about what Christmas
is really about.
196
00:07:54,733 --> 00:07:57,533
Christmas is about how Santa
died for our gifts
197
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:02,066
and rose from the dead
and moved to the North Pole.
198
00:08:02,166 --> 00:08:04,433
And because of that,
every year,
199
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,133
Santa comes down
to forgive us our sins
200
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,666
and give us
eternal presents.
201
00:08:08,733 --> 00:08:11,000
Man, Santa these nuts!
202
00:08:11,066 --> 00:08:13,600
Where was Santa
when we was in the 'hood, huh?
203
00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:15,900
Santa ain't show a nigga
no love back then.
204
00:08:15,966 --> 00:08:20,366
I didn't ask for much.
Just rims. Not even a whole car.
205
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,100
And what did we get? Nothin'.
206
00:08:22,166 --> 00:08:24,600
That nigga gonna pay
what he owe.
207
00:08:24,666 --> 00:08:26,666
[♪♪♪]
208
00:08:38,366 --> 00:08:40,733
Merry Christmas,
Mr. Uberwitz.
209
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,566
Are you here
to see Mr. Freeman?
210
00:08:42,633 --> 00:08:43,566
Uh...
211
00:08:43,633 --> 00:08:44,766
yeah.
212
00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:48,166
One second.
Mr. Uberwitz is here.
213
00:08:48,233 --> 00:08:51,766
Okay. He's just finishing up
another meeting.
214
00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:53,633
You can have a seat
in the hallway.
215
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,166
Can I get you anything?
216
00:08:55,233 --> 00:08:56,466
Some water?
217
00:08:56,533 --> 00:08:59,133
No, I'm fine. Thank you.
218
00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:03,133
Huey?
219
00:09:04,533 --> 00:09:08,066
Oh, hey, Mr. Uberwitz.
This is Quincy Jones.
220
00:09:08,166 --> 00:09:10,000
I've asked him to come in
and co-produce.
221
00:09:10,066 --> 00:09:12,000
How are you, man?
222
00:09:12,066 --> 00:09:15,666
I-I-I'm good. How do--?
How do you know Huey?
223
00:09:15,733 --> 00:09:17,266
Oh, me and Huey
go way back.
224
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:18,366
And by the way,
225
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,266
I hope you're not
gonna be getting strange
226
00:09:20,333 --> 00:09:21,966
with the change
on the music budget.
227
00:09:22,033 --> 00:09:23,800
Music budget?
228
00:09:23,866 --> 00:09:25,233
[ROWDY HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
229
00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:28,433
What the--?
230
00:09:31,266 --> 00:09:32,333
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
231
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,666
ALL:
Hey!
232
00:09:33,733 --> 00:09:36,100
Have y'all lost
your damn minds?
233
00:09:36,166 --> 00:09:38,333
Opening night is less
than two weeks away,
234
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,333
and y'all wanna party?
235
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,433
We're just having
some fun.
236
00:09:41,533 --> 00:09:45,000
Fun? Do I look
like Charlie Brown?
237
00:09:45,066 --> 00:09:46,266
BOY:
No.
238
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:49,000
Do I look like Charlie Brown?
239
00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:51,933
You know what?
All y'all are fired!
240
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,166
What?
Fired?
241
00:09:53,233 --> 00:09:55,633
Did I stutter?
Beat it!
242
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:56,666
UBERWITZ:
Huey--
243
00:09:56,733 --> 00:09:58,900
But i-it...
It's the entire cast.
244
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,266
Are you sure
that's a good idea?
245
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,300
[CLEARS THROAT]
246
00:10:01,366 --> 00:10:02,300
Contract.
247
00:10:02,366 --> 00:10:04,466
I'm...sorry, guys.
248
00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:06,033
GIRL:
I can't believe it.
249
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:08,533
Hey, don't be
lookin' at me.
250
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,133
Don't look
at Quincy Jones.
251
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,866
Quincy Jones
ain't gonna help you.
252
00:10:11,933 --> 00:10:14,033
Get your asses out. Now!
253
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:18,233
Is there any money in the budget
for a casting director?
254
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:19,666
[♪♪♪]
255
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,966
[PIANO PLAYING
"AWAY IN A MANGER"]
256
00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:28,233
That's right, Bob.
257
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:29,800
A little bit
of the Christmas spirit
258
00:10:29,866 --> 00:10:31,400
is returning
to Woodcrest,
259
00:10:31,466 --> 00:10:33,666
as Santa Claus makes
his first appearance
260
00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:36,166
since being assaulted
by the unknown,
261
00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:39,400
but probably Arab,
Santa Stalker, one week ago.
262
00:10:39,466 --> 00:10:41,733
And you're gonna
protect me, right?
263
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,866
Now, don't you worry about
a thing, Mr. Santa Claus, sir.
264
00:10:45,933 --> 00:10:47,133
I got you covered.
265
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,066
RUCKUS:
Now, I know
I'm a very large man,
266
00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:52,100
but I'm a picture
of athleticism.
267
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,566
Well, hello there.
268
00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:58,066
And what would you like Santa
to bring you for Christmas?
269
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:00,066
I want a--
270
00:11:00,133 --> 00:11:03,233
Uh, Santa, you got
a red dot on your head.
271
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:06,966
[♪♪♪]
272
00:11:08,766 --> 00:11:11,133
Nooooooooo!
273
00:11:14,866 --> 00:11:18,266
Ow! Goddamn!
274
00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:20,700
That had to pierce
a spleen or somethin'.
275
00:11:20,766 --> 00:11:22,866
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
MAN: God! Medic! Medic!
276
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,633
Merry Christmas, nigga!
277
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:26,433
[GASPS]
278
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:29,700
Aah! Santa, why?
279
00:11:29,766 --> 00:11:33,033
GIRL:
You ruined
my childhood!
280
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,066
[GRUNTS]
281
00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:37,900
You gonna pay
what you owe, Santa!
282
00:11:37,966 --> 00:11:40,433
You gonna pay what you owe!
283
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:43,866
RILEY:
Running like a bitch.
284
00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:46,033
[PISTOL POPPING,
PEOPLE YELLING]
285
00:11:46,833 --> 00:11:48,366
[BELLS JINGLING]
286
00:11:50,333 --> 00:11:53,633
[PANTING]
Backup. I need backup.
287
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,566
I'm fat.
I can't run very fast.
288
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,633
I think I'm having
a heart attack
289
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:01,266
and a couple of light strokes.
290
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,600
Merry Christmas, nigga.
291
00:12:07,666 --> 00:12:09,100
[CLICKING]
292
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,433
Damn.
293
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,966
[BEETHOVEN'S "FUR ELISE"
PLAYING]
294
00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:24,033
[MURMURING]
295
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,133
HUEY:
Okay, now...
296
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:32,466
for the role
of the third wise man,
297
00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:36,666
we have Mr. Fogelbury
or Denzel Washington.
298
00:12:36,733 --> 00:12:39,433
I say, Denzel.
299
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,066
Yeah, me too.
300
00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:42,566
Okay, and for the role of Mary,
301
00:12:42,633 --> 00:12:44,666
we have third-grade
science teacher,
302
00:12:44,733 --> 00:12:47,966
Mrs. Peterson
or Angela Bassett.
303
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:51,233
Well, Mrs. Peterson gave
a serious read.
304
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:52,900
Yeah, she sure did.
305
00:12:52,966 --> 00:12:55,233
But I say,
Angela Bassett.
306
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,433
Yeah, me too.
307
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:59,133
Guys, how do we afford
308
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,500
Denzel Washington
and Angela Bassett?
309
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,033
I don't know.
310
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:05,300
Have we gotten word yet
on Will Smith's availability?
311
00:13:05,366 --> 00:13:09,166
W-whoa, whoa, whoa.
we can't afford Will Smith.
312
00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:10,766
Damn the budget!
313
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:13,666
What we're doing is
more important than money.
314
00:13:13,733 --> 00:13:15,633
We will change Christmas
315
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:18,800
and elementary-school theater
forever.
316
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,433
But we don't have
the money.
317
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,533
[CLEARS THROAT]
318
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,166
Contract.
319
00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:28,333
["HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING"
PLAYING]
320
00:14:10,133 --> 00:14:11,933
JAZMINE:
Oh, Huey.
321
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,833
You've got a lunch meeting
at 11:30
322
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:16,166
about the sound effects
for the dogfight sequence.
323
00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:17,366
Cancel it.
324
00:14:17,433 --> 00:14:19,833
The PTA is threatening
a boycott of the play
325
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,100
since you fired
all the kids.
326
00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:22,133
[YAWNS]
327
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,500
Don't care.
328
00:14:23,566 --> 00:14:25,600
And the principal's
in your office
329
00:14:25,666 --> 00:14:27,000
to talk about the script.
330
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,000
Who?
331
00:14:28,066 --> 00:14:29,433
First of all,
332
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,833
I just wanted you to know
we're thrilled with the script.
333
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,466
Absolutely
fantastic.
334
00:14:33,533 --> 00:14:34,733
Brilliant.
335
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:35,933
Wouldn't change a thing.
336
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,433
We just had a couple of notes.
337
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:38,533
One or two.
338
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,033
Nothing significant.
339
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,433
PRINCIPAL:
Let's see, uh, there's a typo
340
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:43,700
on page five.
341
00:14:43,766 --> 00:14:46,200
Uh, there's a continuity problem
on page 32.
342
00:14:46,266 --> 00:14:49,000
I think that scene's
supposed to be at night.
343
00:14:49,066 --> 00:14:51,366
Um, let's see, um--
Oh, yeah, um, and, uh--
344
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:52,900
Jesus can't be black.
345
00:14:52,966 --> 00:14:55,200
What do you mean
he can't be black?
346
00:14:55,266 --> 00:14:56,533
He can't be black.
347
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,533
Maybe we can make Jesus
another color.
348
00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,533
How 'bout white?
349
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,466
But Jesus was black.
350
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,466
We could probably do Italian.
351
00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:05,033
Jesus was Middle Eastern.
352
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:06,466
In addition to Arabs,
353
00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:09,366
the Middle East has always had
many people of African descent,
354
00:15:09,433 --> 00:15:10,866
whom you would consider black.
355
00:15:10,933 --> 00:15:12,200
Sorry, can't do it.
356
00:15:12,266 --> 00:15:13,266
[CLEARS THROAT]
357
00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:15,333
Oh, right. That.
358
00:15:19,833 --> 00:15:21,566
[CHIMES JINGLING]
359
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,933
Best of luck.
360
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,200
Break a leg.
361
00:15:26,266 --> 00:15:29,000
I can't wait
for opening night.
362
00:15:29,966 --> 00:15:32,166
[♪♪♪]
363
00:15:40,966 --> 00:15:42,566
Riley?
Jazmine.
364
00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:45,066
Riley, you came
to see Santa.
365
00:15:45,133 --> 00:15:46,800
Shh!
366
00:15:46,866 --> 00:15:49,966
MAN [OVER PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
from the North Pole,
367
00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:54,266
the reeeeal Santa Claus!
368
00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:55,866
[ALL CHEERING]
369
00:15:58,366 --> 00:16:00,000
[CHEERING STOPS]
370
00:16:00,066 --> 00:16:01,600
What the hell?
371
00:16:01,666 --> 00:16:05,066
Hey, there,
pretty little white children.
372
00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:09,500
Now, look at all them precious
little vanilla-colored faces.
373
00:16:09,566 --> 00:16:12,000
I heard this was the only guy
they could find to do it.
374
00:16:12,066 --> 00:16:14,566
Now, I know y'all
think old Santa Claus
375
00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:16,466
look a little bit darker
than he used to.
376
00:16:16,533 --> 00:16:17,833
Ho, ho!
377
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:19,833
But see, that's
just 'cause Santa Claus
378
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,233
got a little bit
of re-vitiligo.
379
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:25,333
See, that's the opposite
of what Michael Jackson got.
380
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:28,266
Don't worry,
no Jesus juice up here.
381
00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:31,700
Come on, let's get
this show on the road.
382
00:16:31,766 --> 00:16:33,533
That's not Santa!
383
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,466
Okay, who's first?
384
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:39,733
[ALL CLAMORING]
385
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,266
That's not Santa.
It's an impostor!
386
00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:45,000
Beware of the false Santa!
387
00:16:45,066 --> 00:16:47,166
Kids, kids, calm down.
388
00:16:47,233 --> 00:16:50,233
Accompanying parents,
calm down as well.
389
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,233
I am the real Santa Claus.
390
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:55,200
Ho, ho, ho.
Look at my belly shake.
391
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:57,666
The heartbreaker re-vitiligo
392
00:16:57,733 --> 00:17:01,733
is a very serious
life-threatening condition.
393
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,833
["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]
394
00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:10,366
Hey, I've been in show business
a long time, Huey.
395
00:17:10,433 --> 00:17:12,533
This kind of thing comes
with the territory.
396
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,000
I know you'll do
the right thing.
397
00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:23,866
UBERWITZ:
Huey, it could still be
a great play.
398
00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:26,533
We could cut a few scenes.
Make some changes to the script.
399
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,366
[SIGHS]
Huey.
400
00:17:28,466 --> 00:17:30,966
We have
to put something on.
401
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:33,466
Do what you have to do.
402
00:17:33,533 --> 00:17:36,000
Just take my name off of it.
403
00:17:36,066 --> 00:17:37,566
Won't be my vision.
404
00:17:42,266 --> 00:17:43,966
Hello.
405
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:46,733
Yeah. Yeah, it's resolved.
406
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,633
We'll be ready to put
the play on tomorrow.
407
00:17:50,933 --> 00:17:53,466
Why doesn't
the real Santa come?
408
00:17:53,533 --> 00:17:56,966
'Cause there ain't
no real Santa.
409
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,100
HUEY:
We all want to believe
in miracles on Christmas.
410
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,600
[SOBBING]
411
00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:14,466
All of us.
412
00:18:16,466 --> 00:18:17,933
[CHIMES JINGLING]
413
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:24,100
RUCKUS:
No Santa Claus?
414
00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:27,433
Well, I'd expect
a heathen nigglet like Riley
415
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:29,166
to say something like that.
416
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:32,333
But, Jazmine,
I'm surprised at you.
417
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:33,966
Being a mulatto and all,
418
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:36,533
you've supposed
to have more sense.
419
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:37,700
Huh?
420
00:18:37,766 --> 00:18:40,233
I'm Special Agent Ruckus.
421
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,233
Shh!
422
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:44,433
Volunteer Santa Security.
423
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:46,700
Santa has reason to believe
424
00:18:46,766 --> 00:18:49,100
that your little
jungle friend Riley
425
00:18:49,166 --> 00:18:51,800
may be the Santa Stalker.
426
00:18:51,866 --> 00:18:55,466
That makes perfect sense.
427
00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:58,166
Mm-hm. Santa couldn't
come this year.
428
00:18:58,233 --> 00:19:00,133
Just wasn't safe.
429
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,033
Maybe next year.
430
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,466
So...he's real?
431
00:19:05,533 --> 00:19:10,233
Real as the Irish blood
charging through my veins.
432
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,466
HUEY:
But Christmas miracles
only happen
433
00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:14,666
in the lies
adults tell to children.
434
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,466
And maybe
in Christmas specials.
435
00:19:20,533 --> 00:19:24,000
Mr. Uberwitz put on
the play as scheduled.
436
00:19:24,066 --> 00:19:25,566
Not a single word was changed.
437
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:29,700
[ALL LAUGHING]
438
00:19:31,733 --> 00:19:33,633
[ALL SOBBING]
439
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:37,366
[APPLAUSE]
440
00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:42,300
And so, by some miracle,
441
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,600
the world saw
my vision that night.
442
00:19:44,666 --> 00:19:46,100
The Adventures of Black Jesus
443
00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:48,700
received a 20-minute
standing ovation.
444
00:19:48,766 --> 00:19:51,533
It was called "a stunning
revolution in theatre"
445
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,433
by the Woodcrest Post Gazette.
446
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:58,366
Unfortunately, the PTA protest
had gained some ground.
447
00:19:58,433 --> 00:20:00,700
Seems that people
didn't care about my vision.
448
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:03,500
They cared about seeing
their kids on stage.
449
00:20:03,566 --> 00:20:05,200
Who knew?
450
00:20:05,266 --> 00:20:06,700
JAZMINE:
Yay, Huey!
451
00:20:06,766 --> 00:20:09,200
Yay!
452
00:20:09,266 --> 00:20:10,866
[BOTH SNORING]
453
00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:14,433
Mr. Uberwitz was fired
for disobeying orders
454
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:17,400
and for generally being
an irresponsible white person.
455
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,466
UBERWITZ:
Harambee!
456
00:20:19,533 --> 00:20:20,466
ALL:
Harambee!
457
00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:21,566
Harambee!
458
00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:23,033
ALL:
Harambee!
459
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,800
HUEY: ■
He would later become
a professor
460
00:20:24,866 --> 00:20:28,200
of African American Studies
at the University of Maryland.
461
00:20:28,266 --> 00:20:30,933
[APPLAUSE]
462
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,766
No video exists of
the one-time-only performance
463
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,400
of The Adventures
of Black Jesus.
464
00:20:36,466 --> 00:20:40,200
Just as well.
I hate looking at my old work.
465
00:20:40,266 --> 00:20:42,633
["JOY TO THE WORLD" PLAYING]
466
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:47,433
Ahhh!
467
00:20:48,966 --> 00:20:51,733
I heard you work for Santa.
468
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,466
I got a message for him.
469
00:20:53,533 --> 00:20:55,833
Tell him Riley said,
470
00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:58,833
I'll be waiting for his ass
next Christmas.
471
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,466
And that nigga better pay
what he owe!
472
00:21:01,533 --> 00:21:02,600
Ow!
473
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:06,166
[♪♪♪]
32425
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