All language subtitles for Scrambled [2024]_EN

We could do the Running Man.

No, we're not doing
the Running Man.

The Running Man is amateur hour.

- TheDirty Dancing...
- You're talking about

where I lift you up?
Yeah, that's very advanced.

- You're not ready for that.
- Um... - No.

Danny, Sandy.
Classic. Timeless.

Oh.

- You know it.
- I don't think that I do.

Quit messing around, man.

I'm just saying
it's the hand jive, sure.

But my
eyes know it, my body doesn't.

- Mm, don't ruin this for me, Colin.
- It's Conor.

My bridesmaid entrances
are the stuff of legends.

Ever the bridesmaid.
That is my essence.

- My badge of honor. You feel me?
- I feel you.

- Do you want this for me?
- I want this for you.

Don't leave me
out there to die, man.

I won't leave you
out there to die.

Alright, everybody,
the bridal party...

- Okay.
- I'm your boy.

Yeah, you are. Going again.

Five, six, seven, eight.

- Uh-huh.
- Hi, are you Nellie?

Excuse me. Does anyone
know who Nellie is?

- Does it matter which hand is on top?
- Right on top.

- Nellie? Nellie?
- Nellie, Nellie.

- Hi. Fantastic. Can you come with me?
- Oh, yes!

Okay. Please excuse us,
excuse us.

Hey, boo.
What's going on?

I-I'm good. I'm good.
Uh, yeah, I'm just, uh...

Yeah. Um, b-bye. Bye, Matilda.

- I wonder if we could just take...
- Yeah, bye.

Okay.

- You're married.
- I-I am married.

- What the fuck? Right?
- Ah, what the fuck?

What the fuck!

Where's Ron?

U-uh, who cares? Who cares?
Will you... will you do a shot?

- Duh.
- Yeah, okay.

Right... right now?

- Right now!
- Oh, okay. Yes.

- Mm.
- Oh, just... just me.

Okay. Um,
to your beautiful...

- Drink! Just drink.
- Okay.

Would you fuck Ron
for the rest of your life?

Oh. W-what?

Would you like
to have Ron penetrate you

for the rest of your days
on Earth?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

- Really?
- I should be so lucky.

You're such a good friend.
Do you have anything else?

Anything...?

- I don't have any on me.
- Okay, okay. But where's your purse?

Matilda! Matilda!

Find Nellie's purse.

- We need Nellie's purse.
- Okay, okay. Yep, yep, yep.

- Nellie, it's me. Sheila!
- Yes.

- Yeah, look at me.
- I'm looking at you, babe.

- Look at me.
- I'm looking at you.

We hate these things.

We normally hate these things. We
love these things when it's you.

Oh, shut up! We fucking
hate these people.

Brides, fucking grooms,
creepy uncles.

Hey, look at you.

You look tragic, bitch.

The fuck are you wearing?

- The dress you chose?
- It's trash! It's trash.

And everyone getting married...
Oh, my God.

It's like they're being inducted
into some sort of cult of matrimony.

Like they're off
to the mainland,

far from the island
of misfit singles.

I know you have coke, Nell.

Hand it over.

- I didn't bring any.
- Do not lie to me, Nellie!

- Okay, we've got purse. We really...
- Okay, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, Matilda. - ...need
to get you to your reception, Sheila.

- Okay. Fuck off!
- It's just that I can't, because we have four...

Babe? Babe...

Babe, I know you're mad at me.

We were gonna be the last single
bitches at the end of the Earth.

- I'm not mad at you.
- We still are!

Me and you, baby.

Single bitches for life.

I still don't have coke.

- Goddamn it, I think I have Molly. Fuck!
- That's my girl!

- That's my girl. I know my girl.
- I think I only have two pills.

Should I grab Ron?
You guys can do it together.

- Your first role as a married couple.
- Oh, my God, fuck Ron.

- Okay, okay. Yeah, fuck Ron.
- Fuck Ron. I'm not a wife.

- No.
- I'm not a fucking wife.

- Like, what the fuck?
- No, you're not.

I... Like, you technically are,
but you're not. I hear you.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Okay.

You know, you...
You have always just stayed.

- You, you, you don't age one bit.
- Mm-hmm.

You won't be defined
by some dude

- or some baby on your tit.
- Yeah, fuck, no. Hell, no.

You're like, "Fuck it. I'll put Molly
in my clutch and carry it to a wedding."

- Yes, I will.
- "Fuck everyone!"

Mm-hmm. - "Dress slutty if I wanna.
I'll fuck your husband

- if I wanna."
- That was once, and I'm not proud of it.

To you, Nell. What the fuck
would I do without you?

I'd be
stuck with this clown show

of fucking bridesmaids
and fucking Patricia.

Why the fuck did I make her
a bridesmaid?

- She's Ron's sister.
- She's the fucking worst.

- She's not the best.
- We're gonna stay like this forever.

- Right? Yeah?
- Let's take this,

- so that we can go to your wedding, huh?
- Hmm.

See you later.

Oh!

I'm pregnant, Nell.

Sheila, spit it out!
Sp... Yes, spit it.

Bend over and spit the shit out!

And next, here come

Nellie and Conor!

Daddy!

Aw!

Charlie's Angels. We're the angels.
We're the angels.

It's so fucking hot.

Are you guys, like, super hot?

Monroe. God, oh, my God.

Look at this face.

It's like a baby's butt.

What is your secret?

No alcohol, no caffeine,
no sugar, no gluten,

plant-based, and Pilates.

Well, I don't know
about all of that,

- but congrats to you.
- Thank you.

So, Sheila told me that you
broke up with your boyfriend.

I was so upset to hear that.

Yeah, yeah.
We consciously uncoupled.

Nothing dramatic.
We're still friends.

It's all good.
All love in this club, baby.

Do you have any gum?

Yeah, so are you seeing
anyone now?

I'm seeing everyone now.

Oh, wow.
And how's that going?

It's sort of
an all-you-can-eat buffet.

- Okay.
- A smorgasbord of sausage, if you will.

Okay.

- Ah, Zofia.
- Oh, hey, what's up?

- This is Zofia.
- I remember Sophia.

Zofia, with a Z.

So LA...

So go tell Daddy
to make last rounds, okay?

Because it is your bedtime.

Oh.

Monroe.

You are legit my icon.

Oh, God.

Dope-ass career.

Hot-ass husband.

Zofia, with a Z?

You took your sweet-ass time

- and you still got it all.
- Well...

Because your 30s are just
your 20s, but with money.

Right? I mean, I don't
really have any money, but...

Fuck this gum. This gum is really
speaking to me. Where did you get this?

I think just at the CVS.

How old were you
when you had Zofia?

- Forty.
- Four...

Forty. Fucking legend.
Fucking legend.

It was actually the most painful
experience of my life

and I wouldn't wish it
upon anyone.

- What?
- Rusty and I struggled to conceive.

- No.
- Did IVF for one year,

had multiple miscarriages.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- And I will not say

how much it cost to make baby Z.

Not gonna report it, but 50K.

- Oh, my God.
- 50K.

You are not getting pregnant
in your 40s naturally.

Not gonna happen!

And if you could, you'd be
so fucking exhausted like I am.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

How old are you right now?

Please say 33.

Please say 32 or 33 or 31.

Please say either
of those numbers. Nellie?

I'm 34.

Fuck you. Stupid.

And what are you
doing right now?

Don't say bracelets.
Don't say bracelets.

- I made these.
- It's a hobby. Don't point them out to me.

Nellie, look at me.

Look at me.

I know you.

And I know you,
'cause I was you.

And so the next time

you've just boned some hot
bartender with an app idea

and you're sitting
in his bathroom

staring at his shower
crusted with pubes

and that fucking Fight Club,
Reservoir Dogs, Scarface poster,

I want you to remember my face.

They can be a never-never land.

Never growing up, never aging.

But those eggs?

Those huevos rancheros?

They are.

Your eggs are.

Alright, have
a great night, honey.

- So good to see you, Nellie.
- So good to see you.

- Freeze those eggs.
- Thank you.

Okay, lovers,
this next one's for you.

It's baby making time.

Can I fill you up?

Fill me up.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. You like that?

Mmm.

I think I'm gonna pee.

Yeah, yeah,
I'm definitely gonna pee.

Maybe you're gonna squirt.

Yeah, I'm gonna squirt pee.

Did you cum?

Oh, fuck.

What?

I lost it.

Are you sure you lost it in me?

Ow.

No, no, no.

Morning, Parveen.

You wish, Colleen.

So, pot is like wafting
through the hallways. Right?

So the guard goes into the cell,
he's looking for the pot.

He finds the pot.
Then they find his cellphone,

- an MP3 player, and a bunch of cash.
- Whoa.

And the guard says,
"What's going on, buddy?

You've been in here
for, like, 30 minutes."

He looks up at 'em slow
and he says,

"I don't know.
But my ass is bleeding."

Oh!

- Oh!
- Jesse!

- Come on, at the table?
- I'm done.

The ass is bleeding.

Prison system's racist.

- Shut up.
- You shut up.

- How's work for you, Nellie?
- Mm-hmm.

- It's good.
- Mm.

It's good. I'm starting
to do earrings now.

- Little cherries...
- How's Shawn?

- I don't know, Dad.
- Why not?

Because for the 907th time,
we broke up.

- They broke up.
- They broke up, Richard.

- We broke up, Richard.
- Alright. Alright. Well, I'm good.

Oh, no.

- Are you alright?
- You stood up too fast.

You can't stand up anymore?

- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

Look at me.
I'm falling apart.

So when are you gonna
give me grandkids?

- What?
- It's true. He's falling apart.

- He's fine.
- No, I'm not fine.

- I'm gonna die soon. Don't you care?
- No.

Talk to your firstborn
about grandchildren.

Look at him. He's got gray hair.

I'm a silver fox like Pop.

Oh, my God.
Never say that again, ever.

- I don't want him procreating.
- No.

- That's a terrifying thought.
- Yeah. Nobody wants that.

- Nobody wants that. Yeah.
- We talked about it.

- Well, I don't have a boyfriend.
- You got Shawn.

- Oh, my God. Mom!
- They broke up, Richard.

Alright. Alright. Whatever.

I'm just saying
that it would be nice

to meet my grandchildren
before I croak.

Well, I will manifest that
for you.

You know what works better
than manifesting,

- you little smart aleck?
- What, Dad? Tell me.

- Anything.
- Anything. Literally anything else.

Boys, cállense ya.

- Yeah, cállense.
- Ya.

Ooh, Mama.

- ¿Qué pasa?
- Ah.

My ass is bleeding.

Come on, Jesse.

I'm sorry.

[woman on TV
Reproductive Dreams.

Take your future
into your own hands.

It is our mission
at Reproductive Dreams

to make healthcare
an empowering experience

through empathetic care.

Join us in the movement.
Schedule...

All my single ladies,
am I right?

Welcome to Reproductive Dreams.

Know what we're looking at?

A baby?

Not yet.

I was testing you
and you passed.

Hmm. Those are your follicles.

And down here,
you look like, I'd say...

A virgin?

Definitely not. Okay.

Now let's, uh,
let's go talk in the room.

Diminished ovarian what?

Diminished ovarian reserve.

Like I said, very common, but
it does compromise fertility.

I'm 34.

Don't I have another few years

before I start... diminishing?

I don't even know
if I want kids.

- I've seen Euphoria.
- Totally understandable.

But you're telling me that if
I decide that I do want kids

and I don't do something
about it right now,

then I'll be diminished.

- Well, not necessarily.
- Or I could give you my eggs

and you could freeze them and
then I can thaw them out someday.

Well, it's not guaranteed, but
it's a pretty good option to have.

I like options.

And this might not be
the only one.

Plus, there are many ways
to be a mom.

You can adopt, for example.

- There are donor eggs.
- Hmm.

It's kind of like Russian
roulette, wouldn't you say?

Get like a Jack the Ripper egg.

An incel egg?

That could be one
of your eggs too.

Dare I ask? Ballpark?
What am I looking at?

Give it to me. Just hit me.

- Alright.
- No.

Just write it down.

Write it down and then just, um, pass it
across the table like they do in the movies.

And I'll just read it.
I'm gonna read it...

and cry.

Mmm.

Hey, I'm Mimi
and I'm a sugar baby.

This is Prada, and this is
actually my favorite Gucci bag.

One of my daddies really wanted
to lick Nutella off of my toes,

so we did it and he got me this.

We made it a weekly thing.

That's a nice bag.

Facebook, yeah, duh.

Fucking everything at Facebook.

Give me money
and I'll freeze my eggs.

What?

- Give me money.
- Who are you talking to?

- I'm talking to you.
- Why are you talking to me?

You helped me pay
for LASIK, remember?

- I did?
- Yes. I said, "Will you help me pay for LASIK?"

And you said,
"I'll pay for one eye."

Well, that was very
generous of me.

- Dad, I'm 34.
- Oof.

I don't have a man
or any legit prospects.

My ovarian reserve
is diminishing by the second.

I need to flash freeze
your grandchildren.

I don't want frozen
grandchildren.

- I want live, warm ones.
- Espérate.

What do you mean your ovarian
reserve is diminishing?

I know that it's hard to believe

that a Latina might have
difficulty procreating,

- but the fertility doctor told me.
- Oh. What does that guy know?

- Right?
- How do you know it's a guy,

- you sexist pig?
- Statistics.

- It's statistics.
- It's a scam. Honey, it's a scam.

They're scamming you.
I mean, have you actually

seen anything diminishing?

You know, when you...

Do I have to dignify
that question with an answer?

What about your insurance?
Sonja, they're not gonna pay

- for her millennial feminist voodoo.
- Correct.

It's definitely not voodoo.
It's... it's the future.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

Yeah. You know, you could
always sell your eggs too.

I'm not gonna sell my children.

How much do people pay?

Get out there and get a prospect

- so you don't have to freeze anybody.
- Or, or get a surrogate, dude.

Only poor people are having
their own babies these days.

That's a thing
of the past. Trust me.

All the boys at the firm,

they make somebody else
carry their baby

back to Turks and Caicos,

back to Bali, dog.
It's sick.

- You and your broad can just party...
- Hate it here.

- And like nothing changes.
- Me too.

- Yeah, how does that even work?
- Well, they just put all the...

They put everything inside of...
I have no idea.

Oh, my God, you nailed it!

- You guys nailed it.
- This is everything.

Yes.

The next one is from Nellie.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

- Oh, my God.
- Ooh!

Comfy, yet culturally
questionable.

No, no, I-I literally just did
23andMe and I'm like 7% indigenous.

Well, there you go.

Thank you so much, Nell.

- I've missed you.
- Miss you too.

Yeah, what's new
with you, Nellie?

Well, actually, I'm, um, thinking
about getting my eggs frozen.

Oh, well, that's amazing.

Maybe I should have
a baby shower.

But you're not having a baby,
you're just freezing.

- No, I know.
- Baby shower is for babies.

- Right, totally.
- Egg freezing is just an egg.

It was a joke, Jen.
It was just a joke.

Well, I, um, I didn't even know
that you wanted to have kids.

I'm not hundo P on kids,
but I want the option.

And apparently,
I'm about to be geriatric.

So...

You could meet your husband tomorrow
and be engaged in six months

and have your baby the real way.

Yes, like Heidi.

Exactly.

Yeah, last week

I sent an unsolicited photo
of my vagina

to a guy who ghosted me
six months ago,

and I got no response,
so, I don't know that I'm Heidi.

Egg freezing
is super expensive, right?

- Didn't I hear it causes early menopause?
- Mmm.

And doesn't each frozen egg have, like,
a 5% chance of becoming an actual baby?

Oh, I don't...
I don't know the stats.

Yeah, that's why
you gotta get, like, 20 eggs.

Most of 'em won't be viable, and
then some won't survive freezing,

and then thawing
is like a whole other...

Claire.

She had to do it,
like, three times.

I mean, the first time around,

she took the wrong, like,
trigger shot or whatever

and then she ovulated
like 12 preemies.

And then she had to do it
all over again,

pay for the drugs
all over again.

And then she only got,
like, seven eggs

and then she had to do it
a third time

just to even have a shot
at getting a baby out of it.

Yeah.

But, hey, I am
so super stoked for you.

- Do you still talk to Shawn?
- Yeah, yeah.

I-I mean, not so much lately,
but there's no bad blood.

Why did you guys break up?

You were such a cute couple.

Uh, well, we were just
on different paths.

Well, bless.

You do not need a man.

I know!

Oh, my God!

- I need to borrow eight grand.
- No.

I need to freeze
my spider monkeys.

No.

You said it was the future.

Drive for Uber or give
blow jobs for cash.

- These are my two choices?
- Sophie's Choice.

I've never seen that movie.

Well, now you don't have to.
Look at that.

Why can't you be a decent human
being for once in your life?

You have a gazillion sperm
in your sac.

You drive a Tesla. You're rich.

I am very comfortable, yes.

Look at you, you bougie bitch.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you even smell rich.

You didn't use to smell like this,
like a Redwood cabin in Yosemite.

You used to smell like butthole.

I've always smelled rich.

Goddamn it, Jesse.
I never ask you for anything.

You asked me for Coachella
tickets a month ago.

That was a suggested gift.

Why would I buy you gifts?

Because you're the man
in my life.

That is bleak.
That's like so sad.

It's not funny.
Don't smile at that.

That's yucky.

You wanna talk bleak?

If I don't spend 13K
to freeze my eggs,

I might never be able
to have kids.

Meanwhile, you're gonna wait
till you're 70

with your old oatmeal balls to
have a baby with an influencer.

That is so... That is... Okay.

That is accurate and I'm
not embarrassed about it.

Okay, I'm trolling
on Raya hard right now.

So if one of these sloots
wants to catch it when I'm 70,

- so be it.
- I'll pay you back.

- How?
- Well, I was hoping

that we could talk
specifics later.

Okay. I want interest.

Of course, you do.

And I want half.

Half?

- Oh, you want half. You want half of my eggs.
- Okay, that's my counter.

- Oh, so here's the thing.
- So take it or fuck off.

You don't get to own
half of my eggs,

because this isn't the fucking
Handmaid's Tale.

Get out of my fucking office.
Adults are working.

The adults are working?

You flew to Colombia
to do cocaine.

Get out of my office now. Leave.

Make me.

- Get the fuck out. I'm not joking.
- Make me. Make me. Make me.

Get the fuck out.

Get out. Okay, stop, stop.

- No, hey!
- Help me, Hunter.

- She's fine. Shut up.
- Hunter, I'm not fine.

Shut the fuck up.

- She's okay. She's kidding.
- I'm not okay.

- This is a joke that we do.
- I'm not kidding.

- Shut up!
- It's not a joke.

Go back to work.
Go back to fucking work.

Dude, you are so immature.

You're so fucking immature.

Okay, you know what?
8K. You're gonna get 8K.

And you're gonna have two months
to pay me back with 1K interest.

And if that folds,
you owe me all the eggs.

They're mine, free and clear.

What the fuck are you gonna do
with my eggs, you sicko?

I don't know. But I'll be able
to do whatever I want with them

and I don't have to tell you,
because they're my fucking eggs then.

Goddamn it. Deal.

- I hate you.
- Hey, hey. Don't fucking tell Dad.

- Thank you, Jess.
- Get the fuck out.

Freak.

So it's ten to 12 days

of injections and ultrasounds.

Then it's the trigger shot.

Then it's the retrieval surgery,
which I'm under for.

Surgery?

Pobrecita mi bebé.

Mom, it's a needle.
It's over in, like, 15 minutes.

And when does it all start?

Any day. I'm just waiting
for my period.

- Mmm.
- Oh, come on, I'm eating here.

- Well, we're all rooting for you, Anita.
- Thank you, Mama.

I can't believe you're paying thousands of
dollars for this and it's not even guaranteed.

Is anything in this life
guaranteed, Dad?

You know what's guaranteed? Eviction,
when you can't pay your rent.

Well, the universe provides.

Who did...

Don't ever say that again.
Don't ever say that again.

The universe does not provide.

But a husband will.
Go get one of those.

Oh, my God, Dad. A husband.

Yes, I'll just get married, so that I
too can have a ginger son and a divorce

by the time I'm 30.
Well, you missed that boat, didn't you?

You don't get the luxury of a
practice marriage when you're 33.

I'm 34. You don't even know
how old I am.

Because you were born
so goddamn long ago, I forgot.

You know what? You should feel guilty.
You should.

- This is your doing, both of you.
- Yo?

- What?
- Actually, the sex talk you gave me was,

"Don't do it ever,

because you will get pregnant
and your life will be trash."

And then one day I woke up
and you were like,

"Where are my grandkids?
Why aren't you pregnant?

Your life is trash."

That is so false.

You gave me baby shoes
for Christmas.

- It's true, you did.
- They were little moccasins.

Why are you buying me baby moccasins?
I regifted that shit.

- Why would you do that?
- Uh, because we're not Native American.

And one more time
for the cheap seats,

I am without child.

They were motivational, Nell.

You're 34 years old.

Well, I'm still
on your Verizon plan.

- Is that true?
- Oh, yeah, we all are.

The family plan. I'm part
of this family, am I not?

Get off the Verizon plan!

What's the matter with you?
Grow up!

Being a woman
is like being an avocado.

You're ripe for a millisecond,

and then, whoops,
you're brown, geriatric guck.

- No, she's bugging me now.
- You're bugging me now.

- I can't eat.
- Cállate, Richard.

Ma.

Mm-hmm.

Last hurrah.

Mom, I'm gonna sleep here
tonight, okay?

Okay, Anita.

Thank you, Phinneas.

Love you.

Hi. Double vodka soda, please.

Nellie.

Oh, my God, Preston!

Holy shit.

You still hang out here?

Ugh. Look who's talking, dick.

I haven't been here
since senior year.

I know that. I'm here a lot.

Damn it, I didn't know you came
to the Valley anymore.

I was just looking
for a throwback, I guess.

Who are you with?

Just me.

So what else is going on?

- Oh, you know.
- No, I don't know.

I mean, I know what's going on
on Instagram.

I'll bet you do, stalker.

- You wish.
- You wish I wished.

- How's work?
- It's fine.

Working with my dad.

He's still a piece of work.

Dads ain't it, man?

Dads ain't it.

I was sorry to hear
about you and Ember.

Were you?

Yes, I was.

- I want you to be happy.
- Okay.

You should appreciate me
saying that.

- That's very big of me.
- That is big of you.

Considering you cheated on me
at homecoming.

- Yep.
- Mmm.

- I still remember that.
- Very sorry about that.

I was a real piece of shit.

You were, thank you.

Nellie Robinson. Fuck.

I always thought you'd be off

- in New York by now.
- New York?

Yeah, didn't you always
use to say that?

That you're gonna
move to New York?

- I said a lot of things, didn't I?
- Mm-hmm.

- A lot of things. I was gonna go to UCLA.
- It was a reach.

That was a reach.
It was a reach.

Um, I was gonna spend
a few years

- in Paris, right?
- Mmm.

Be a celebrity jewelry designer.

Marry Lance Bass.

Ugh, so close.

So close.

Wait, you are a jewelry designer
though, right?

Not a celebrity one,
no, no, but thank you.

Well, it's never too late.

Now, I was gonna play
for the Niners.

It's never too late.

Oh, fuck you.

You know, this place, not as
fun getting in with a real ID.

Yeah, on most nights. Wish they
would just tell me to fuck off.

Go back to drinking at Lena's,

hooking up in the car.

But only second base.

- Only second base.
- That's right.

I miss those blue balls.

Me too.

Is that your prom dress?

You know it.

Finally.

God, you smell so good.

- I smell good?
- Yeah.

- What do I smell like?
- Oh, like vanilla, cupcakes.

Cupcakes.

At the fucking cafeteria.

Cafeteria.

God, remember the time
in the car?

Uh-huh. What time?

- You were wearing those panties.
- What panties?

Mm, the ones with the...
the Wednesday on the ass.

Oh.

- Wednesday.
- Mm-hmm.

But it was not...

Oh, God, it was a Monday.

Time to pee-pee.

- Well... Oh.
- Mmm.

Get home safe.

Yeah.

Hey, I know I don't have
to tell you this,

but let's not talk
about this, right?

- Oh, shit, I already tweeted it.
- Ha-ha.

Yeah, no, it's just Ember and I
are working on our trust,

- so if she thinks...
- Wait, what?

What?

What about Ember?

We're, you know,
working on stuff.

I thought you got divorced.

We were separated.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

That was like six months ago.

You're not wearing a ring.

We're getting new ones.
Ember wanted an upgrade.

Oh, fuck me.

Okay. It's okay. Look,

I think this was just
building up for a while, okay?

- And we just... We needed to do it.
- No, no, no.

I don't know that we did, nope.

Let's just relax and...

I will see you soon.

Cool, see you never.

Ugh.

Shut up.

No drinking, not even rosé.

No smoking, not even weed.

One coffee a day.

Yeah. Rough.

How do we feel...
about shrooms?

No exercise.

Finally, some good news.

Does that include sex?

Like if I just lied there,
a beached whale.

Honey, you are gonna be
so bloated,

you are not even gonna want to.

But like if I did want to?

Ali, I'm a single
Etsy seller in my 30s.

My vices are kind of
a lifestyle.

No whale sex, copy that.

And you are done.

Last question.

What if I screw this up?

You're not gonna screw this up,
you're gonna do great.

- I flipped a boat.
- There's a boat?

In high school, on my marine
biology trip to the wetlands.

My teacher said
it would never happen.

It hadn't happened
in 20 years of teaching,

but I was just trying to put
the mud on my face.

She said it was good
for your skin

and I must have
leaned too far over,

because I capsized the canoe.

And my whole boat had to spend
the rest of the day in the van

and everybody
was super pissed at me.

So what if I flip the boat...

- again?
- Okay.

You are not a boat.

I'm not a boat.

You got this.

Ugh.

Hi, Parveen.

Let's go through the steps to help
you inject Menopur with confidence.

Place the tip of the Q-cap...

- Oh.
- Over the top of the vial.

Do not shake the vial
as this will cause air bubbles.

Do not remove the needle cap

until you're ready
for your injection.

Push the plunger down

to empty any remaining air
from the syringe

and tap the barrel
of the syringe,

- so that any air bubbles rise to the top.
- Right.

This is Nellie Robinson. Um, I'm trying
to reach somebody, a nurse or anyone.

Uh, I just have a...
A quick question. I'm, um...

I'm doing my first, um,
round of injections

and I just wanted to know, if I
inject an air bubble, if I die.

Looks like a good spot.

One, two, three.

That was fine. That was fine.
That didn't hurt.

That didn't hurt.

That was fine.

One more.

Whoo!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

You know, the size of the eggs
that I'm gonna freeze?

Like the size
of a strand of hair.

- Damn.
- Something the size

of a strand of hair

can change the course
of your entire life.

Girl, one ejaculation can
change the course of your life.

A single "Hey, stranger" text.
Yeah.

What I did with Preston
could have produced a child.

A bastard child.

Thank God we're in California.

Hey, that just wasn't
your fault.

Oh, I am aware.

I did the ring check, I brought
up the wife, I was bamboozled.

- Hoodwinked, even.
- Thank you.

That man is so 2000 and late.

- Oh!
- Yeah! Had to bring

- the Black Eyed Peas into it. Yeah.
- Black Eyed Peas.

He peaked in high school.

- Damn.
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe I peaked in high school.

Girl, you haven't peaked yet.

Yeah, you're right.
I'm like J.Lo. I'm gonna peak

when I'm, like, 80.

- That's the spirit.
- But if I'm like J.Lo,

then why am I borrowing 8K from
my brother to freeze my eggs?

Because you're buying time.

Someone who's good enough
for you is hard to come by.

I have had sex
with a lot of men, She.

- And I am aware.
- And you're telling me that none of them

were suitable
for procreation or life?

Am I not suitable for life?

You are very suitable for life.

My mom moved to America,
learned English,

went to college
and grad school in English,

met my dad, fell in love,
got married, had me,

all by the time
she was, like, 27.

She's legit the American dream.
What have I ever done?

You're a legend, that's what.
Do not listen to the hormones.

The hormones are lying to you.

How are you handling
these fuckers so well?

Hmm.
I can, I guess.

You know, in high school, after
we would hook up, he'd be like...

- "Time to pee-pee."
- "Time to pee-pee."

You remember.
She, he still says it.

- No.
- Yes.

Can I help you ladies
with anything?

- Oh, we're good. Thank you. So much.
- I'm good. Thanks.

Ember married
the "time to pee-pee" guy.

The bar is subterranean.

But you know what, to be fair
to her, she was a freshman.

She's got on, like,
high school goggles.

I am in no position
to judge, believe me.

- You know what my biggest pet peeve is?
- Hmm?

"When you're not looking, Nellie,
that's when you'll find him."

Ugh, I hate that shit so much.

"When you're whole, Nellie,
that's when he'll appear."

Like, okay, Brinley, who was on every
dating app invented, including Jdate,

- even though she's Catholic?
- Mm-hmm.

- Swiped right on every dude within a 90-mile radius.
- True.

Told everyone that if she wasn't
engaged by 30, she'd slit her wrists.

- She did say that. Mm-mm.
- She said that, remember that shit?

- That was sad.
- Mazel, Brinley.

I guess that's what
wholeness looks like.

Nellie, you could be married
tomorrow if you wanted.

- Just hasn't been a priority.
- Should have been.

You dated a bunch of losers.
And then there was Shawn.

Ooh, I'm sorry to bring him up.

You're telling me the only guy
that I have ever dated

that was worthy of procreation
was Shawn?

- Correct.
- I find that statistically hard to believe.

Mm, yes.

One of the guys from the pile

- has to be worth a second shot.
- Do they?

Yes! I mean, think about it.
Finally over his ex.

Over his Peter Pan syndrome.
Over the apps.

Over living
with three roommates,

eating Chipotle every night
like an animal.

Maybe it's time
to get proactive.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- I have to fart.
- Throwback to...

- I have to fart and I'm gonna fart.
- Okay.

- Might wanna... tsk, head that way.
- Yeah, I'm gonna...

- Ma'am, hold your nose.
- Okay.

Why did we stop doing this?

Oh, you tell me.

I'm glad you texted me,
but what...

What made you text me?

I was just thinking about you.

- And other... old friends.
- Yeah?

I'm spending $13,000 that I don't
have to freeze my eggs.

- Oh, wow.
- Which sort of feels like punishment

for not finding my person.

And honestly, maybe,
maybe I'm the problem.

Everybody else seems to have figured
it out. Maybe I lack maturity.

Maybe I didn't see this through.

And I wanna be someone
that sees things through. So...

So you're in this, like, existential
quest to find your person right now?

That's one way of putting it.
I feel dumb. That was a lot.

- Are you ready to leave?
- No, yeah, yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye. See ya.

No. Actually, no, I-I, uh...

I wanted to thank you, Nellie. I-I
learned a lot from our relationship.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I learned that I can
just be me, you know?

The-the nice guy.
That-that-that's enough.

Of course, it's enough.
I love a nice guy.

"Love a nice guy."

That's interesting.

My therapist explained to me
that some people,

they don't know how to love.

That they're broken.

They wouldn't know love if it was
sitting right in front of them.

Staring them in the eyes,
drinking a PBR.

- Uh...
- I would have given you everything.

I would have given you
a kid, naturally.

Instead, you're off freezing
your eggs like it's frozen fruit.

Like you're making smoothies.

Ugh, I don't wanna cry.

- Don't cry.
- I remember you telling me,

"Oh, you wanna just be friends.
Let's just be friends."

Well, friends
don't treat each other

like cold, heartless bitches.

I'm sorry for calling you
a "bitch." You're not one.

I'm just vulnerable as shit.

- I'm sorry. Women, they...
- Oh, yeah.

They say they like that stuff,
but they don't like that stuff.

- They pretend.
- Oh, right.

They wanna be friends,
they wanna be friends, whatnot.

Who gives a shit?
You text me four years later

when you're dried up and alone!

Now that that's out,

do you wanna split
some calamari?

It's so good to see you, Nellie.

You have always had
a light about you.

Thank you. I mean,
you seem great.

Are you still living
at your parents' spot,

- or...
- No, no, no, no. I live, uh, with...

Well, we call ourselves
a "spiritual collective."

But that term, it's reductive.

We sing together,
we break bread,

we dream. We dream together.

So like a cult?

Wow, wow. I forgot
how funny you are, Nellie.

No.

Words can't really describe
what it is.

- So, I'm gonna show you. Yes!
- Right now?

You gotta experience it
for yourself. Come.

Catch me up.
How's the finance life?

- Things are good. Things are good.
- Still in love with your ex?

Just kidding.

- Wait. There's like a, um, there's like a light.
- Oh. Ha!

Is that an ankle bracelet?

Yeah. Uh, don't worry though,

my probation officer
is super chill.

She doesn't...-

That is her. I gotta get the fuck
out of here, but you wanna come with?

- Oh, thank you. I'm good.
- I'll let you sit on my face.

That's such a nice offer.
I'm-I'm... I think I'm still good.

Great to see you, Nellie.

Okay.

Thirst trap.

Got ya.

You look good.

Huh.

Well, I got you a vodka soda.

Oh, I, uh, I'm not actually
drinking right now.

- I'm sort of prepping for a...
- A 5K?

- Something like that, yeah.
- Good for you.

Uh, could we get two waters,
please? Thanks.

Well, I was surprised
that you wanted to catch up.

I mean, it's, uh,
it's been what, a few years?

And I'm pretty sure
you blocked my number.

- Did I?
- I think so, yeah.

Well, you know, you, uh, you kind
of led me on for a minute there.

I don't remember that.
I remember being kind of bummed.

I... I enjoyed hanging out.

Totally. You just only wanted to
hang out once every three weeks

at00 a.m.

Naked.

I'm sorry if I hurt you, Nellie.
That wasn't my intention.

Ugh. You were honest.

You were not looking
for anything serious.

And I was doing the girl thing,

trying to make it
into something it wasn't,

trying to change you,
which isn't cool.

So, I'm sorry too.

We had some good times, right?

Yes.

Yes, we did.

To you and your exemplary penis.

Okay, well...

Well, thank you.

Mm-hmm. Anyway.

What's new?

Not much. Well, I,
I got engaged.

What? Wait.

- Ella. She's amazing.
- Um...

We met at a Halloween party
last year.

She was dressed as a loofah and
I was dressed as a bar of soap.

You dressed as a bar of soap
for Halloween?

We were dancing to Michael Jackson.
"Thriller," obviously.

And-and-and what does she do?

She's a nurse.

Like a real nurse? Like, um...

Not like a nurse
on Grey's Anatomy?

No, like a real nurse, yeah.

She went to Stanford and then she
modeled for a little while after.

- As one does.
- But she didn't find it fulfilling.

- Right, right, right, right.
- And so she...

went to nursing school
and joined the Peace Corps.

Mmm.

Naturally. And-and you?

- Are you still working at the restaurant?
- At the restaurant, yeah.

Yeah, we both work nights
so it's perfect.

Sounds really compatible.

- Are you gonna drink your water?
- It really is.

I mean, I wish forever
would start yesterday.

Oh, wow.

- Yeah.
- Wow, Sterling.

You're getting married.

I did not see that coming.

And to a nurse, a real nurse.

- Look at you.
- I overachieved.

You know, I didn't think
you were the marrying type.

Why? Why-why do you think that?

Maybe because when we dated...

- Hung out.
- You were 40,

had never had a relationship
past three months,

and worked in a restaurant
where you had fucked

every other server and hostess
and gave me chlamydia.

Okay, well, how does that
make me not the marrying type?

I really am sorry
that I wasn't your person.

- I'm not. Believe me.
- But you were crazy.

- Excuse me?
- After nine months of hanging out,

you come to me with this,
"W-what are we doing?"

Calm down, huh?
I mean, you said it yourself.

You were trying to turn me into
something that I wasn't. Okay?

At least, not for you.

You're right.

I was trying to turn a hoe
into a housewife.

Nice. That's-that's slut shaming.

This is the problem with dating.

Nurse/models are marrying
45-year-old waiter fuckboys!

We never dated. We hung out!

Here we go.

Whew.

How many times a day do you get,
"At least buy me dinner first, Doc"?

I never get that. That would be
embarrassing for them.

Okay. Check 'em out.

They're growing.

Can I get a copy of that?

You want a picture...?

Oh, the... Yeah, yeah.
Mary. Mary, let's, uh...

Let's get a picture.

- Nellie!
- Hey there, wifey!

You didn't have to bring a gift.

- Aw.
- I know you're paying to freeze your eggs

- and all that.
- Okay, shut up. Don't make it weird.

I'm so happy to see you.
I've missed you.

Things have just been so crazy
with the remodel and the...

- Ah...
- Oh, my God.

You're a Kardashian. You're
gonna get robbed at gunpoint.

- I know, right?
- Yeah.

I have to give you something.
Hold on.

Your engagement party
and I'm getting gifts.

What is this?

"Will you be my bridesmaid?"

I'm so surprised.

And I know you're gonna have
the bachelorette party on lock.

- Yeah, you know it! Uh-huh.
- Yeah!

You know.

Preston and Ember!

- You invited Preston?
- No.

Oh. Shit, no, I forgot. They
live, like, five minutes away

and she's been helping
with the bathroom remodel.

And Ryan and Preston have been
hanging out. Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
- Hey there, Mrs. Mayfield!

Hey, girl. Hi!

Let me
see it again. Ooh!

- You did so good.
- I know, right?

Ugh. Nellie!

- Hi!
- Hey, Ember. How are you?

Incredible.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Um, baby, will you go
get me a LaCroix with lime?

- Pamplemousse?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God, you brought them!
- Oh, yeah. Your favorite.

- Nell, you gotta try one.
- Oh, okay.

You'll have to excuse her.
She's addicted.

I picked
the tomatoes from my garden

and I actually made
the mozzarella myself.

- You made this?
- Mm-hmm. I just can't trust anything

in the store-bought stuff
these days, you know?

- Totally.
- I actually make all my own cheeses.

- Do you have a cow?
- No, Nellie.

I don't have a cow.
What is wrong with her?

So, like, just from
your own breast milk, or...

Hello? New business idea.

Oh, thank you.

So, Nell, what have you
been up to these days?

Are you still doing that, um,

little, um... Etsy thing? Right?

- Just doing that little Etsy thing. Yep.
- Mmm.

- Great.
- And you? What are you up to?

Ember is an incredible
interior designer.

Yes, work has been amazing,
but kicking my ass.

So I am just beyond ready
to take some time off.

So Preston and I are gonna spend a
couple of weeks in the Amalfi Coast.

I'm so jealous.

Right where he proposed.

Positano Beach,
on our last sunset.

- He was so nervous.
- No...

He was sweating like a hog.

Well...

Truth is, he had the ring
in his pocket the entire trip,

but every sunset,
he just kept chickening out.

- Mm-hmm.
- Aw.

Sounds so romantic.
Would you excuse me?

Time to pee-pee.

- Yo! Man of the hour!
- Hey. What's up?

- What's going on? Look at all this!
- Oh, my God.

- Are you kidding?
- I know. I can't believe it.

Damn it, Nell. I miss you, man.
I feel like I don't see you anymore.

- You know, I get that a lot.
- Well, where have you been?

In the world
of excommunicated singles.

- Shut up.
- Stop being invited to the couple shit

when you're no longer a couple.

Nell, you're always invited.

You say that now, it's not long till
you're off to the world of parents.

Fuck.

Yikes. Been nice knowing ya.

- Yeah.
- Mmm.

Hey, how's Shawn? Or...

I'm sorry. Well, I don't know.
I mean, do you guys still talk?

No, um, not so much
lately. He's...

He's got a new girlfriend.

Wish them all the best.

May peace be with them.

Insert whatever it is
that grown-ups say.

Poor guy. I mean...

It's gotta suck to lose
someone like you, Nell.

Sucks losing someone like him.

Tell me to fuck off if this is, like,
the stupidest question ever, okay? But...

what happened between you guys?

Nellie! Hi! Wait, sorry.
I just heard about Shawn.

- Heard what?
- Oh, shit, I thought you would've seen on the socials.

No, we're not...

- Um, he didn't do anything.
- Oh.

It was more for me,
so that I wouldn't...

Anyway, what,
what-what happened?

His new girlfriend. She's so pretty.
What is her name?

Michelle.

She's pregnant.

Wow.

Peace be with them.

- Hey, why don't you... Come on.
- Yeah.

Everyone!
Everyone! Circle up!

Come on, guys. Every one of you
have been a part of our love story.

- No, really like...
- I want you to remember this, you know?

This is for you guys, seriously.

- You know, I mean, we'll have ours.
- Yeah.

But this is... This day,
we wanted this for you.

- Oh, and Jim and Diane, please.
- Jim, yes.

- Thank you so much.
- Please, thank you so much.

I'm so sorry. I did not mean
to drop that bomb on you.

- It's fine, Jen. Don't worry about it.
- I thought you guys

- were still friends.
- Fuck off, Jen.

- Fuck off.
- I feel really bad.

You don't need
to feel bad for me.

So, you guys are newer friends,

and love that we have
our old friends here.

- Not everyone knows how we met.
- Oh, my God.

So, Ryan's really good
at telling this story.

Okay, does anyone really not
know how we met at this point?

Yeah, whoo! - ...that's
how we introduce ourselves.

- Okay? Uh...
- He's so good at telling the story.

Story, story, story, story.

Kiss, kiss, kiss,
kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

Hi.

Hi.

How was your week?

- Huh?
- How was your week?

Oh. I don't like
to live in the past.

Totally. Yeah.

Is that...?
Is that a Nestor Wheats?

- Nestor...
- His shit is fucking provocative.

Look at that.

Wow. The complex layering of
chaos and harmony right there.

Yeah, that's actually
a Lachlan Fletcher.

Um, this toddler
I used to babysit for.

Oh. Fire.

Why aren't you dancing?

- Oh, I thought you were, like, vibing.
- Come here.

Close your eyes.

My mother used to do this to me
when I was little and stressed out.

Were you stressed out a lot
when you were little?

What troubles you, Nellie?

- What troubles me?
- Yeah.

Speak it.

I don't know.

Only you know.

I feel like I'm running
out of time.

- Time.
- Time.

Nellie, time is an illusion.

It's just a mental construct.

You're gonna let a mental
construct ruin your life?

That'd be a pretty stupid way
to go through...

Oh, God, I missed you.

Oh, I'm gonna keep
some clothes on.

- Why? It's your body.
- It's...

It's all dewy and...

dripping.

- Um, I'm sort of, um...
- Mmm.

I'm freezing my eggs.

Oh, wow.

Good for you, Nellie.

Thank you.

You're bearing fruit.

I am.

I wanna taste you.

- Good idea.
- Yeah?

Oh.

I wanna be inside you.

Mmm. I gotta be inside you.

- Oh...
- You're in bloom.

Um, I'm not supposed to.

This is super bloom.

Yeah, but I'm not supposed to.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Okay. Um, maybe just the tip?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Oh.

Um...

Let me... let me try this.
Okay, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah?
- Here, um, okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Yeah?
- Yep, let's go.

Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

- Yeah, that's good. Yeah.
- Yeah?

Fuck, you're ripe.

Oh, I can feel them.

- What?
- Oh, yeah, your eggs.

- No, no. Get off, get off!
- Oh, you're like overflowing.

Get off! Don't touch them!

They're mine!

Okay.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. Um...

but you gotta get the fuck out.

Hi, I'm Nellie Robinson.
I called last night.

Yep.

Yes?

You're pregnant.

What?

I'm just kidding.

Did you really fall for that?

Everything looks good.

- We're okay?
- We're okay.

Oh, my God.
In fact, we're just about there.

- Okay.
- Okay, go ahead and get dressed

and, uh, Ali will talk to you
in the office.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God, She, you're not...

I feel like I failed.

No, you didn't fail.

Then why did this happen, Nell?

I don't know why it happened.

But...

I fucking love you.

There's a support group
my therapist told me about,

pregnancy loss.

Will you come with me?

Of course.

Nice bangs, by the way.

- Really?
- No.

"Until I join you in heaven...

Besitos, corazón."

Yes, Nora.

Whenever you're ready.

I wrote mine on...

"Dear Winnie. I've lived
most of my life without you.

But from the moment I found out
you were here, everything changed.

I started planning immediately.

The tea parties we'd have,
the playgrounds I'd take you to,

driving you to your first dance,

trying to talk you out
of plucking your eyebrows."

"Teaching you how to drive,
how to cook a chicken,

how to chase your dreams.

It kills me that we never
got to do any of these things.

I'm so sorry, Winnie."

"But...

we are so lucky that
you chose us to be your moms.

You weren't here very long,

but you have
Mommy's heart forever."

Beautiful, Nora.

Anybody else?

Yes.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

No, I'm so sorry. I'm-I'm...

I'm not actually
going through a...

I was here for my friend and-and
she's not coming now, sorry.

Um, I'm actually...

I'm going through the process
of freezing my eggs right now

in the hopes that someday I too
can know the joy of miscarriage.

No, no, no, sorry.

As soon as it was coming out of
my mouth, I was like, "Abort!"

Fuck. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

How has it been so far?

Freezing your eggs?

Yeah, good, good, good,
good. Yeah. Um...

I guess it's just like
bringing up some stuff.

I'm either going through
a renaissance

or amidst the worst crisis
of my lifetime.

I feel really fucking stupid
talking about this here when all...

Nothing is stupid
to talk about here.

- Mmm.
- Sit down, please.

Stay.

Oh.

Okay.

Um...

my ex and I broke up a year ago.

He wanted kids.

He's a bit older than me
and he was tired of waiting.

But I wasn't ready.
I'm not ready.

So I left.

I didn't wanna leave. I really,
really didn't wanna leave.

But he would have never left me.

And I couldn't hold him back.

He's the most amazing human.
Like, the best human.

He's everything. He's grown-up.

He bought his mom
a MacBook Pro for Christmas.

And he knows how to fold that,
the stretchy sheet with the...

With the waistband.

- Fitted sheet.
- The fitted sheet.

He knows how to fold that
without even YouTubing it.

He's gonna be
the most epic dad ever.

Like a dad
from a minivan commercial.

Ah, his grilled cheese is always
that perfect golden color.

It tastes like home.

He tastes like home.

So, yeah.

The past year,
I've sort of been a little...

homeless.

My grilled cheese
is always burnt.

Or cold, unmelted.

I'm wearing swimsuit bottoms, 'cause
I haven't done my laundry in weeks.

I did Molly at a wedding
last month.

Alone.

I don't really know
what kind of mom I'd be.

But I'm freezing my eggs.

Because...

procreation.

Creating life.

What? That's...

That's pretty epic, right?

A baby is like
the physical manifestation of...

teamwork.

Partnership.

Seems like something
worth fighting for.

The irony is,

I don't know
if I've ever felt so...

alone.

- This is your final trigger shot. Okay?
- Yep.

It must be taken exactly 36
hours before your procedure.

- Okay.
- That means-00 p.m. Not-01.

- Not-30. Exactly-00 p.m. Okay?
- Okay. Yep.

Fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, my God!

She looks terrible.

- You look terrible. Ew.
- Cállate, Richard.

I'm a human baby farm
at the moment.

I'm so sorry if my appearance
isn't to your liking, Commander.

- Hello, hormones.
- Hello.

Just today.
Just today. One day.

Can you pretend to be a loving,
supportive father just for a day?

How have I not been supportive?

How have you been supportive?
All you've done is tell me

that my egg freezing is voodoo
and I should get back with Shawn.

- She's right.
- All I said

was that this new-age technology
is grotesquely expensive

- and you don't have the money.
- Accurate.

- But you do have Shawn.
- Drop it, Richard.

- I don't have Shawn.
- She doesn't have Shawn.

All she needs to do is write
him a text with one of those,

- the faces thing. What is that?
- Emoji.

- With an emoji.
- His girlfriend's pregnant.

¿Qué?

- What?
- Fuck.

- Is it serious?
- What do you mean "is it serious"?

Sounds pretty
fucking serious, Pop.

Are you crying?

- No, I'm okay.
- Yes, she's crying.

Of course, she's crying. Hell,
I'm about to cry. No, that...

That could be you.

Don't you think
I wanted it to work out?

Oh, I don't know. Did you?

No, no, you're right, actually.
I-I really enjoy

being alone and heartbroken,
and told that my eggs are dying

while I go to weddings and baby
showers every goddamn weekend.

- You enjoy that?
- No, Dad!

No. I don't enjoy spending $70
to go to fucking stork parties

where I shower pregnant bitches with gifts
while they act like they cured cancer.

"You did it! You had sex
without a condom!"

I can do that. I do do that.

- Jesus Christ.
- !¡Ay, Dios mío!

Where's my party, huh?
I want a party.

I want a fucking stork party!

You're on your own, Pop.

I'm the one shooting myself up
with hormones,

mixing my meds
like I'm Dr. fucking Fauci,

growing 20 eggs at once
like I'm Octomom.

Can your body do that?
Can your body grow eggs? Huh?

- No.
- No? It can't? Can your body?

- No.
- What was that?

- No.
- No, it can't.

You know why?

'Cause this shit ain't easy.

Getting knocked up? That!
That is the easy shit.

Well, then why have you had
so much trouble?

- Ya, cállate.
- I'm just saying.

Dad, shut up.

I haven't had that much
trouble, actually.

I have the old receipt from
Planned Parenthood to prove it.

Nellie.

What does that mean?

It's time to shut up.

- She's a mess.
- No, Richard!

You're a mess!

I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

Nellie?

Nellie!

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Congratulations.

Last one, the last one.

You got it. You got it.

It's okay.

Okay. Yeah.

You fucking serious?

Are you fuck... Fucking Parveen!

Fucking...

Parveen, I don't know
anything about you.

Except that you probably consider
me a common street whore.

Well, I prefer the term
"sexually empowered."

A 21st century woman. Yeah.

And not that it's any
of your business,

but I had a boyfriend.

Yeah, I did. For a long time.

But it didn't work out.

And it wasn't my fault.

I tried very hard. We both did.

Now it's just me.

It's just me.

And life isn't a Taylor Swift
song, okay?

There's no scarves.

There's no lakes.

There's no Wednesdays in a cafe.

Life is actually like
you're dancing,

you're having a good time,

and then suddenly
the music stops.

And everyone grabs a chair.

And you're just standing there
with your dick in your hand.

'Cause this whole time you
thought it was a dance party? No.

It's not a dance party.

It's one long game
of musical chairs, Parveen.

Well, I may not have
a chair/man,

or a baby, or a house,

or fancy health insurance,
or my own Verizon plan,

but I have science.

Yup. I have enough.
I am enough.

And I'm not gonna let you,
or my dad, or Ember,

or any of these dudes
make me feel like I failed,

because I am doing my best

to take care of me.

And right now, that means sticking
this needle in my stomach.

And I don't know how junkies do it,
because it hurts, and I'm tired.

And my stomach is covered in little
holes and bruises. But this is it.

This is the last one,
and I've done it.

Every single one all on my own,
like a fucking boss.

Hoes before bros.

I've got this.

I've got this.

But it would be nice
if someone...

would just like...

hold my hand.

So I just...

That was it.

Would you like some gulab jamun?

Yes.

Yes, I would.

What is gulab jamun?

Whoa.

Time to lay some eggs, baby.

Are you sure that you're okay to take me?
I can call my mom.

Girl, stop. Get your ass in.

Come on.

There she is.

Doc, don't kill me now.

We got you, Nellie. You ready?

Ready.

Nita...

Nita...

Nellie.

Nellie.

Hi.

How did we do?

We did good.

- Yo?
- Yo.

What's up?

You know, just coming over

- to see my family.
- Cool.

- Ew.
- What?

- What? What?
- What? What's your deal?

Move.

- Surprise!
- What?

What is this?

Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs!

You're good. You're chilling.

- You're a good egg.
- You're a good egg.

Me?

A rich egg.

- A very rich egg.
- Very rich egg.

- A very rich egg. I'm a Fabergé egg.
- Um...

You're a Fabergé egg.

The right guy's gonna come.

Or maybe not. Fuck it.

You got your eggs.
Maybe you don't need a guy.

- Fuck guys.
- Fuck guys.

- Yeah.
- It would just be nice

if I didn't die alone.

What are you talking about?
Look around, you bonehead.

Hey, never gonna happen.

Never.

And I'll always be here.

I'm the man in your life.

That was nice.

- It was kinda yucky.
- Yeah.

- But it was nice.
- Yeah.

I'm not gonna have
your money in time.

- Are you serious?
- Are you gonna take my egg babies?

No, I don't want the money and
I don't want your egg babies.

- Praise be!
- Ah, blessed be the fruit.

- Here.
- Thanks.

- I'm a grandpa.
- Ha.

Not... No, not...
Not really. Half-ish.

- An egg-pa. You're an egg-pa.
- Ah. Okay, well, I'll take it.

- Dad.
- You know, when you were little,

man, you were spunky.
You were...

"Don't you
know?" That was your line.

"Don't you know?
I'm going to school."

I know, Dad.

"It's my
birthday, don't you know?" Ha...

You were little.

Uh, and Jess was little.

Wow.

Nothing will beat it.

Best days of my life.

And I miss it.
I miss it, okay? I'm...

I'm sorry. I mean, look at me.
I'm just an old fucker.

My teeth, my back.

I'm falling apart.

You're not falling apart.

Goddamn it.

You're not running
out of time, Nell.

I am.

Mmm.

We've got time, old fucker.

Pfft.

Dear Eggs,

I hope you're not
too cold in there.

I hope it's like Tahoe
or Park City,

a winter wonderland with skiing,

and hot cocoa,
and sweater weather.

They tell me that you're just
my cells in a freezer, but...

you're more than that to me.

You've given me
some pretty epic gifts.

Peace.

Time.

Possibility.

And who knows, maybe one day
you'll join us in this warm world.

You'll be a real boy.

Or girl.

Or they.

Or maybe not.

Either way, there's something
I want you to know.

You were no accident.

You were one
of the most intentional things

that I have ever done.

And I'm proud...

of us.

So, thank you...

for everything.

Love...

Mom.

Get it, Parveen.

Oh, shit!

Get it, girl!

Get it, bitch!

A little bit low.

Oh, shit!