Original subtitles

So, who broke it?

I'm not mad,

I just want to know.

I did. I broke it, Ron.

No. No, you didn't.

Tom?

Don't look at me.

Look at Ben.

What? I didn't break it.

Huh. That's weird.

How'd you even know

it was broken?

Because it's sitting

right in front of us

and it's broken.

Suspicious.

No, it's not.

If it matters...

Probably not.

...but April was

the last one to use it.

Liar! I don't even

drink that crap.

Oh, really?

Then what were you doing

by the coffee cart earlier?

I use the wooden

stirrers to push back

my cuticles.

Everyone knows that, Jerry.

Okay, let's not fight.

I broke it.

Let me pay for it, Ron.

No. Who broke it?

Ron, Donna's been

awfully quiet.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Oh, my God!

I broke it.

It burned my hand,

so I punched it.

I predict ten

minutes from now,

they'll be at

each other's throats

with war paint on their faces

and a pig head on a stick.

Good. It was getting

a little chummy

around here.

I need you guys to come to

the Snakehole Lounge tonight

to help me with something.

Yeah, no,

tonight's not good.

No can do.

I'm on a cleanse.

Please. This is important.

I'm launching my new high-end,

Kahlua-style liqueur,

Snake Juice.

Sounds like you

took a snake and

twisted it like a rag

until its blood

and guts came out.

What does

Kahlua-style mean?

I mix a bunch of

alcohol together,

I add some sugar and coffee

and some other junk,

and it kind of

tastes like Kahlua.

I can only

drink warm tap water

with cayenne pepper.

Fine. Then don't drink it.

Just get other people

to drink it, okay?

Meeting in one hour.

If you don't make it,

you're on my Done-zo list.

Oh, what's

a "Done-zo list"?

It means you and I

are done-zo.

Hanging out, getting

food together, done-zo.

You want to come

over to my house and play

video games? Done-zo.

Hey, Tom, you want to come

play Putt-Putt with me?

No, we're done-zo.

Babe, we got to

make that meeting.

I'm so glad we

found the time to talk.

It feels like

it's been forever.

I know. I've been so

busy at the hospital.

Long hours,

overnight shifts...

I'm getting sick of it.

All right, let's start

with the personal stuff.

How's Jessie?

Who?

The photographer guy.

Oh, yeah. We broke up.

I didn't tell you that?

Mmm-mmm.

Why? I liked him.

Yeah, I did, too.

I just... I couldn't

deal with his face.

Huh.

Do you think I

could get that book back

that I loaned him?

Well, I'm technically

out of the country.

So I would have to call him

from a weird number.

Sorry.

Never mind.

But I'm seeing

this new guy, Mattias.

You would love him.

He's a triple Pisces.

Oh-oh. Looks like

someone's gonna be late

for her meeting.

Race you.

Really? Isn't that

a little childish?

Bye, Ann.

Sorry, got to go.

Hey, move! Oh!

Councilman Howser, sorry.

Nice to see you as always.

Bye.

Welcome to

Guerilla Marketing 101.

What is Guerilla Marketing?

A few ordinary schmoes,

no offense,

have a casual conversation

next to some guy

about how great

Snake Juice is.

Next thing you know

that guy orders a whole

bottle of Snake Juice,

and he has no idea why.

April, you'll be playing

a boring beer drinker

named Jennifer.

Andy, you are also

a boring beer drinker

named Michael.

Jerry, you'll be playing

a boring beer drinker.

Your name will be Jerry.

Ron is going

to play our exciting

Snake Juice drinker,

A.K.A. Brian Thunder.

Do you want us to memorize

this whole script?

Ideally, but if

you want to wing it,

your talking points

are high-end, VIP,

lifestyle.

All right, let's

run through it once.

And action!

"The weather has

been so weird lately.

"Hey, let me

buy you all a drink."

"I'll take something

basic like a beer."

"Yeah, I'm pretty

"boring.

"So I'll take a beer, too."

"Not me. I want this

night to get K-razzy."

"Ca-razy." Like "crazy."

"I want this

night to get crazy.

"Get me a shot of Snake Juice.

I hear it has

a dope aftertaste."

All right, that's

gonna be a cut. Um...

Ron, you got to say it

like you mean it.

I won't publicly

endorse a product

unless I use it exclusively

and I really believe in it.

My only official

recommendations

are U.S. Army-issued

mustache trimmers,

Morton Salt, and

the C.R. Laurence Fein

two-inch, axe-style scraper

oscillating knife blade.

We need to find

a new PR Director

for the Health Department.

Dennis Cooper was

fired today.

Why?

Short answer,

he went bananas.

Long answer,

his wife, Jan, had an affair,

gave him a venereal disease,

and so he put signs about her

all through City Hall.

I'm sure you've seen them.

Oh, yeah.

"Jan Cooper will

give you Chlamydia.

"Brought to you

by the Pawnee

Health Department."

"Chlamydia affects

nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."

"The Department of Health

congratulates Jan Cooper.

"Miss Chlamydia."

"Jan, I love you.

Please come back.

"I realize that I'm

not blameless here.

"Please.

"Brought to you by

the Health Department."

"Re-elect Jan Cooper.

Mayor of Whoreville."

Leslie, I want you to help us

choose a replacement.

Parks and Health work closely

together on outdoor programs

and exercise initiatives.

Ann should do it.

Ann Perkins?

Pawnee is looking

for a new PR Director

for the Health Department,

and I submitted your name.

You have an interview

tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

9:00 a.m. Wow.

Yes, I know.

I couldn't get it earlier.

I'm...

Grateful. I know.

You can thank me later.

But first, you need to

go over your homework.

These are all

the health initiatives

the city has ever

undertaken since the 1960s.

So you need to

partially memorize that.

And it's gonna

be a long night,

so I got you

some energy drinks

and some chocolate-covered

espresso beans

and the book Freedom

by Jonathan Franzen.

Why am I reading this?

Because I'm almost

done with it, Ann.

And I want to talk

to you about Patty.

Okay, deep breath.

Okay. I've been a nurse

for over 10 years.

It's not something

you just quit.

I understand.

I just think

with this new job,

you could make a difference.

Make real change happen.

Plus, we'd be working

in the same building.

No more lightning-round

catch-up sessions.

It would be nice

to have an office.

This is your destiny, Ann.

You don't want

to waste away

at Pawnee St. Joseph

Medical Center

and turn into her.

Ow!

Shut up.

And let's be honest,

it would be nice to not have

to pull strange things out

of people's butts every night.

You've mentioned that before.

That doesn't happen

that often.

It happened once.

Just once.

That already is

too many times.

I hate talking to

people about things.

This is a nightmare.

I'm grouchy.

We have to support Tom.

I don't want to end up

on that Done-zo list.

Think about it

as role-playing.

That makes it sexy.

That could be fun.

Really?

Can I use a weird voice

and try to freak people out?

Yes.

Okay.

Then next time you see me,

I'll be a stranger.

Hey, Tommy. I'm really hoping

this booze of yours

is gonna sell,

because I am not going

to take a loss on this.

Nothing this

delicious will fail.

We'll see.

Check back with me

in a couple of hours,

I'll let you know

how it's going.

Snake Juice! What? Here?

High-end, VIP, exclusive.

Hey, how's it going?

I think it's going okay.

People better buy this stuff,

or else I'm gonna be screwed.

It's gonna be fine.

People will definitely

buy it.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

"K" to the "N" to the "O-P-E,"

she's the dopest little shorty

in all Pawnee, Indiana

Why didn't you

just stop at "Pawnee"?

Leslie Knope, seriously,

you get sexier every day.

And that is not a line.

That is for real.

Oh, Jean-Ralphio.

So you're here helping Tom?

Absolutely. And it's

time to get that paper.

Get, get, get, get,

get that paper.

Snake Juice sales are

gonna be off the "churt."

Why? Because that "snizz"

is straight up

"dee-loy-cious."

Well said.

Well, I know

tonight's gonna be

a big success,

and I wish I could stay.

I really do,

but I have to go help Ann.

She's gonna be

up all night cramming for

a big job interview.

She might be

up all night,

but I think someone else

is gonna be doing

the cramming.

Uh-oh.

Hey.

I'm so happy to see you.

And I'm seeing you here.

Yes.

Yes, I'm surprised.

I thought maybe

you'd be home preparing

for tomorrow.

Oh, well, there was

way too much stuff

for me to read tonight,

anyway.

I mean, it was

a ridiculous amount of stuff

that you gave me.

Oh.

But you are going in

for the interview tomorrow?

I think so.

Uh-oh.

Is there enough room

for some "man-aise"

in this lady sandwich?

Oh.

Leslie, this is my

friend Howard Tuttleman.

Oh, please.

Call me "The Douche."

You probably know me

from my morning

radio show on 93.7,

"Crazy Ira and The Douche."

Yeah, I had

met you before.

I actually was on

your show once...

Wait! Were you on the show

where we had that

stripper do math?

Classic, right?

Hello, strange person

who I have never met before.

Who are you?

I'm Janet Snakehole.

I'm a very rich widow

with a terrible secret.

Who are you?

Bert Macklin, FBI.

I was the best

damn agent they had

until I was framed for

a crime I didn't commit.

Stealing

the President's rubies.

Now I work alone.

Lovely to meet you.

I got to admit,

I thought your costume

would maybe be

a little bit sluttier.

How dare you?

Nice.

Gentlemen.

Swan song. How you living?

Yes.

Why aren't you

holding a Snake Juice?

I'm more of a whiskey man.

Ron-Ron, come here.

Come here for a bit.

You're good right there.

Listen, you got to jump

on the Tommy Town Express.

This guy has some

of the best investment ideas

I've ever heard in my life.

Make a baby

tuxedo clothing line.

A department store

with a guest list.

White fur ear muffs

for men.

A new brand of

bottled water called H2-Ho.

Contact lenses that

display text messages.

Invent a phone

that smells good.

Own a night club

called Eclipse

that's only open

for one hour

two times a year.

Cover charge, $5,000.

I can keep going.

How about this, Ron?

Try Snake Juice.

If you like it, you got

to talk it up all night.

If you don't, I'll

shave Jean-Ralphio's head.

Yeah, I'd like to see that.

Hit me.

A lot riding on this.

Damn, if that

isn't delicious.

"R" to the "O" to the "N"...

I say Swanson's got swagger

the size of a Big Ben clock

Dude, you got to

end it on the rhyme.

I know what I have to do.

You had it at "Ben."

I know. I got it.

You think I haven't

been around the world?

I've been everywhere, darling.

I'm a very wealthy woman.

My husband's kept me

in the finest clothes

from Bergdorf Goodman,

you see.

Freeze! FBI!

No! Leave me alone!

Hands in the air!

I didn't kill anybody!

And I didn't burn

down the mill either.

My sister did.

But now she's

been eaten by wolves!

Nothing to see here.

So how did

you two meet?

We met at

the supermarket.

I used my classic

pickup line.

"If you're

looking for douches,

they're in Aisle Me."

Awesome.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, by the way,

I don't think I can

get that book back

from what's-his-name.

Oh, that's okay.

I mean, I should've

known better

than to loan something

to one of your boyfriends.

They come

and go so fast.

What are you

saying exactly?

Well, I mean, let's be honest.

How long is it gonna

last with this guy?

Sitting right here.

I don't know.

He's dumb, but he's fun.

Thank you.

I mean, that's

the whole point

of dating around

is you get to try on

a bunch of different hats.

Well, this hat is

an idiot.

Classic.

Leslie,

are you mad

that I came here?

What? No.

I'm not... Are you...

You seem mad at me.

No, I'm not...

I'm not mad at you.

I'm not mad at you.

I'm not mad at all.

Neither am I.

No.

Looks like you two

need to kiss and make up.

All right.

Hello. My name is

Ron Swanson.

In general, I try

never to speak with people,

but I have been drinking

this Snake Juice thing,

and it's damn good.

You should buy it.

Yeah, okay. Thanks, man.

Son, you should know

that my recommendation

is essentially a guarantee.

Drink this, now.

Traegermeister!

You made it.

Yeah, I got your email.

We need to talk.

First off, though,

try a little Snake Juice.

It's 140 proof,

which means

it's 70% alcohol.

But don't worry.

There's plenty of caffeine

in it to keep you awake.

I believe an ounce of that

would literally kill me.

You emailed

everyone at City Hall

and told them

to come to a club

that you own to buy alcohol

that you invented.

Government employees

can't use their power

to enhance their

personal wealth.

I totally get

your point, Chris.

It won't happen again.

I just don't see

any way around it.

You're gonna have to

sell your shares

in the Snakehole.

No!

T-Pain,

this guy bothering you?

This is my boss.

Okay, yeah.

You want me to write

a rap about your name?

Yes.

"B" to the "O"

to the double "S,"

do what he say,

and you'll be successful

No offense, but maybe

you think I'm going too fast

'cause you're going

too slow with Ben.

No offense, but I'm

going slow because

I might lose my job.

Okay, no offense,

but maybe that's

a little bit of an excuse

for not acting

on your feelings.

No offense,

but I don't remember

you having

a nursing degree

in feelings.

Offense! That's rude.

I'm gonna go dance.

Douche, you're up.

Hey, are you okay?

I heard yelling.

Yeah, I'm very angry,

and I'm really drunk.

Do you want to dance

with me? Go get me

another "Snork Juice."

That's maybe not

the best idea for you.

Forget it. Jean-Ralphio!

Yes, I'm here.

Dance up on me.

Yes, yes, yes.

How's it going with her?

Um, well, nothing's

going at all, really,

because...

I don't know.

I feel like I just did

something wrong.

She doesn't seem to

want to talk to me.

You should try role-play.

That's what me and April do.

That explains the outfit.

Yeah, you gotta dream up

some weird scenario

like you're her boss

and sex is forbidden

because she works for you.

That is our

actual situation.

And she's addicted

to spanking.

Okay. Thanks,

we got it. We're good.

If you're worried

about working with Chris,

it doesn't matter.

He's fine with it.

He said it wouldn't

be weird.

You talked to Chris

before you talked to me?

Excuse me!

This is

my first fight with Ann,

and it's a doozy.

But I believe that honest

discussions between friends

can lead to deeper intimacy.

This is a watershed moment

in our relationship,

and it's important

that we fight clean.

All I need to do is

focus and stay calm.

You're stupid,

and you're drunk

and you're stupid.

I don't understand

how this is my fault.

It's not...

Everything isn't

your fault all the time.

Don't always make

everything your fault.

Good! It's not all my fault.

I'm not the stupid jerk.

I'm not the one who's being

a stupid jerk right now.

I didn't mean it like that.

You know I didn't

mean it like that.

I just meant you

were being stupid,

and you were

acting like a jerk.

Look, I'm sorry

that I thought about you

for the job, okay?

But sometimes if

I don't push you

in the right direction,

you end up

standing still.

I was just trying

to do you a favor.

Enough with

your favors, okay?

Stop.

Maybe we shouldn't

work together, then.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Every time I cleanse,

I can literally feel

the toxins leaving my body.

I know!

I feel so much healthier.

I've still got

a full week to go

before the broth stage.

Mmm.

Pre-broth is an amazing stage.

It's when you're most alert.

Good. Someone needs

to be alert tonight.

This Snake Juice is

basically rat poison.

Everybody's wasted.

You don't even know one thing.

I didn't even say one thing.

And then she asked

me the whole thing,

and I didn't even do it once.

I'm like an elephant, okay?

If I walk into a room,

it's like, okay,

he's in there.

I'm gonna tell you,

that bitch over there...

I'm gonna tell...

I don't have to...

Bababooey.

Turn this music down.

Farts and poop

and love and stuff

Macaroni salad

Is this everybody?

Ann took a cab.

Tom's in the trunk.

Jerry's on the roof.

All right,

where to first?

Your mother's butt.

I'm so alone.

If even one of you

thinks about dry-heaving

in my car,

you're all walking home.

Leslie.

I'm here.

We have to go hire

a new PR Director

for the Health Department.

Oh, my God.

I'm so hung over.

I've never been

this hung over.

Are we dead?

I feel great.

I ran five k this morning.

Really?

No, I threw up

in the shower.

Top of the morning,

everyone.

I brought some

burgers and fries.

Eat up.

The protein

soaks up the sugar.

First, you take the cow

to the killing floor...

Well, I am

out of questions.

Thank you.

We will let you know.

Then our heads will explode,

and we will die.

Oh, God.

I cannot believe that

fight I had with Ann.

Look, I'm sure you

guys can work it out.

I owe her, like,

a million apologies.

I think I owe

you one, too.

I'm sorry.

For what?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

No, I'm sad.

Say, thanks, chum.

Ugh.

I'll get those papers

delivered for you.

Whatever.

Post-haste.

The doctor says it's

probably not serious,

but it might be.

Oh, Kyle,

please stop talking.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

Who's calling?

Oh, is it Janet Snakehole?

Why, yes it is.

And who's she calling for?

Mr. Bert Macklin,

and I'll tell you

another thing...

Going down thing...

Going down the thing.

And there you go,

you're going real fast now.

And who's this sorry charlie?

This sack of potatoes?

Honey, please.

I love you. No offense,

but Bert Macklin

died last night

after the tenth

shot of Snake Juice.

Okay, sorry.

Miss Snakehole.

You think I'd let you

get away that easily?

Bert Macklin may be dead,

but I'm his brother

Kip Hackman.

Why wouldn't you

have his same last name?

Shut up, Kyle.

I know you boosted

those paintings.

Maybe it was me,

but I'll never tell

you where they are.

And you'll never

have my body either.

T, you don't even

have to worry about

a thing. Why?

Because I'm gonna

keep those shares

real tight for you.

Real nice and cozy-like.

Sorry to hear the news, Tom.

We're gonna miss

you around the club.

Hey, you own shares, too.

Why didn't Chris

make you sell?

'Cause Chris doesn't know.

You know what?

Snitches get stitches.

Donna, come on.

Don't.

I'm a natural moneymaker.

I got into government

for the connections.

This was supposed to be

a thing that led to

the other thing.

It's like when

Vin did Boiler Room.

That's what led to him

being xXx and doing Furious.

And Furious. Yeah, I know.

Listen, I don't like

all this negativity, man.

Why don't you turn

that "frizz-own"

"upside-dizzity." Huh?

This sucks, man.

You're wearing

snow pants.

I got home last night,

and I thought I might

go sledding.

Can I come in?

Yeah, if you're quiet.

Okay.

Leslie doesn't know

I'm here.

Oh, God. So high school.

I can't believe that Leslie

and I got drunk in a bar

and fought about boys.

We're so much

better than that.

I just keep having

flashes of things

that we said to each other.

And she's so

important to me.

I acted like such a dick.

I don't know

you that well,

but you're clearly very

important to Leslie

and that must mean

you're a pretty great person.

I know she feels awful.

I mean,

technically, we all do.

Yeah. What the hell

is in Snake Juice,

Demerol?

All I know is

Leslie's always talking

about how lucky she is

to have you as a friend.

And I just wanted

you to know that.

You're nice.

I can see why

she likes you.

When did she say...

Likes me?

Oh, God.

This is so high school.

Just rent a limo,

ask her to the prom.

I'm sure she'll say yes.

All right. Thanks.

So let me

get this straight.

Tom tries to get off

the government teat,

and we punish him.

That doesn't make

any sense to me.

I'm sorry.

Rules are rules.

I wish there was

something we could do.

Ben, is there

something we can do?

Damn it. Ben's not here.

Tom's not

scamming anyone.

He's not savvy enough

to manipulate

the system like that.

He's just a kid

chasing a goofy dream.

I'm sorry.

My hands are tied.

Jan Cooper was

a terrible wife.

I just want

everybody to know that.

Thank you, Dennis.

But we can't give

you your job back.

You sound just like her.

That was unpleasant.

Yeah.

All right, who's next?

You came.

Yeah,

I had some encouragement.

Your sweater's

on inside out.

And backwards.

It's been a tough morning.

Lots of regret and shame.

That should be

the official slogan

for Snake Juice.

Well, this

committee would like to ask

if you are

the kind of candidate

who could forgive someone

after they've behaved

like a complete jackass?

This candidate could,

especially

because this candidate

also behaved like

a total jackass.

Please, don't worry about it.

The committee

totally understands.

Also, I can talk

about my qualifications

for this position.

But first, I am gonna go

throw up in a wastebasket.

Would you mind

if I joined you?

Not at all.

Shall we?

Ann came in

the next day and had a second

interview with Chris.

Great.

She nailed it, of course.

But she doesn't want to

totally leave her job.

So they struck up a deal.

She works at

City Hall part-time,

and two days a week,

she still gets to be

the greatest

nurse in the world.

Win-win.

We need to remember

what's important in life.

Friends, waffles, and work.

Or waffles, friends, work.

It doesn't matter.

But work is third.

So listen, Crazy Ira,

check this out, okay?

I'm at this club last

night just killing it,

the Snakehole Lounge.

Oh, yeah,

is that a gay club?

Hello?

Shut up, ass.

Come on, man.

So I'm dancing on the floor

with this super-hot chick.

Me so horny.

More like a dude, I bet.

Hello?

Did you wet your whistle?

I wish.

Me likey.

No, no, no, no.

She spent the whole night

talking to her friend,

arguing about

their feelings.

That's me!

Who knows?

She's probably a lesbian.

They were in

the bathroom a long time.