Original subtitles

Good morning, Ron.

Morning.

I know how much

you enjoy paperwork,

but don't hover.

Nice bench.

Is that new?

No, that's been there

since the '90s.

What are you doing

for your birthday

on Friday?

Nothing. I never...

Aha!

Oh, God.

Birthday,

birthday, birthday

It's your birthday

It's your birthday,

and I know when it is

Ron refuses to tell anyone

when his birthday is.

He's even had it redacted

on all government documents.

Three years of investigations,

phone calls,

Freedom of Information Act

requests, and still,

I had nothing,

until a well-placed bribe

to a gentleman

at Baskin-Robbins revealed

Ron's birthday is on Friday.

Damn it. I was so careful.

Well, you blew it.

All for a free scoop

of Rum Raisin.

Was it worth it,

Ron? Was it?

I command you

to do nothing.

I'm not gonna do nothing.

I'm gonna do something.

And it's gonna

be really big.

I have a lot of years

to make up for.

I don't like loud noises

and people making a fuss,

and I especially don't like

people celebrating

because they know a piece

of private information

about me.

Plus, the whole thing

is a scam.

Birthdays were invented

by Hallmark to sell cards.

They put up a fence.

Who?

No!

What's that?

There's a small park

on the line between Pawnee

and Eagleton, and...

Last night Eagleton

put up a fence

around their side

to keep us disgusting

Pawnee hobos

off their precious land.

There's even a security guard.

You got to show Eagleton I.D.

to get in.

Eagleton is a bunch

of rich snobs.

And that's coming

from someone who

has a Mercedes.

With a Harman Kardon

Logic 7 surround-sound

system.

Who builds a fence

to keep kids out

of a playground?

Three words,

Lindsay Carlisle Shay.

Who?

Lindsay Carlisle Shay and I

used to be best friends.

We worked together

at the Pawnee Parks

Department.

Then she went to work

in Eagleton

and "fixed her deviated

septum" and lost 35 pounds

and lost something else.

What was it again?

Oh, yeah. Her soul.

Is the Eagleton side

really that much better

than the Pawnee side?

To be fair, yeah.

Our side is this scrappy

piece of land

where kids go to smash

fluorescent light tubes.

But it has a lot of heart.

That's what people

always say when

something sucks.

We should stand up

for our town, okay?

Pawneeans are just

as good as Eagletonians,

although on average,

we are several inches shorter

and 80 pounds heavier.

People in Eagleton

are straight up mean to us.

I would never set foot

over there.

But it's the only place

that I can get my Bumble and

Bumble hair care products,

so I'm there

every eight days.

Okay, well, I am on

"Operation No More Fence,"

so I'm putting you in charge

of "Operation Ron's Party,

colon, Shock And Awe."

I am all over it.

I just need you to do

what's on that list.

Leslie has a lot of qualities

I find horrifying.

But the worst one by far

is how thoughtful she can be.

It's the only park

in our neighborhood.

I mean, where are my kids

supposed to play,

the rock quarry?

There's rocks in there.

Why don't we just set fire

to the fence? You know,

set it ablaze.

That's arson.

Well, let's leave that

up to the lawyers. The

point is, it would work.

Why don't we build a fence

around their fence?

Why?

It would give us two fences,

so if they needed to get

to their fence for maintenance

and whatnot,

their pants might get caught.

My son Joey tried to scale

that fence to play

on the Eagleton side,

and he fell

and hurt his arm.

You need to get those people

to tear that fence down.

This woman's right.

I promise you,

citizens of Pawnee,

and sweet, brave Joey,

I will tear down

that fence.

Okay, I'm just gonna suggest

one more time

that we burn it down.

But whatever

you guys think.

Yeah. Great.

Yes, hi.

I have a question about

your inflatable saxophones.

Do those come

in different sizes?

I'm gonna need

about 40 dozen of those.

Also, what about your

neon gangster fedora hats?

That was rude.

Whatever's going on here,

stop it immediately.

I was just talking

on the phone.

To whom?

It was personal.

I would never make

a work-related call.

You know that.

Lindsay!

Leslie Knope.

Hi.

Has it really been

five years?

It has.

You look amazing.

Thank you. This place

hasn't changed a bit.

Still loveable, but grimy.

Hello, there. I'm Ben Wyatt.

I'm assistant city manager...

Hi, Dan.

Ben.

It's not important.

It won't come up again.

This is Ann.

She is my best friend.

Hi.

Now.

And she's a nurse,

and she works at a hospital.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry.

It's just, nursing...

You must be

so tired and sad.

It's really nice

outside. Shall we speak

in my courtyard?

Yeah.

Well, thank you so much

for stopping by.

I was passing through

Pawnee anyway.

I do a lot of charity

work here.

There's only so much

you can do.

You know, I found

a picture of you

from back in the day.

Oh.

Look at that.

Let me get a closer look.

So let's talk

about Lafayette Park.

Oh, yes. The fence.

I'm only trying

to protect our children.

Come on, Lindsay,

this isn't you.

When we used to work

here together,

we loved the fact

that parks were for everyone.

That's what makes

them so great.

You know what's

really great?

A private park

that's not for everyone.

Wowsers.

What do you care?

It's just a crappy

little park.

Well, someone

once told me

that there's no such thing

as small parks,

just small ideas.

Hmm.

And that someone

was this woman.

You can take it if you want.

I have many copies

and the negatives.

And I have a JPEG.

The fence stays up.

Lindsay, if we...

Sweetie,

and I mean this

in the nicest possible way,

Pawnee is and always will be

a dirty, little nightmare

from which you will

never wake up.

But it was good

seeing you.

What? I'm not asleep.

I'm awake.

I'm wide awake,

and I got my eyes on you.

That's what I would've said

if I had thought of it

in the moment.

What did I say instead?

Wow! This is where

they have their public forums?

Yeah, it's not

that great.

They had a valet.

Yes, Eagleton is

nicer than Pawnee.

And, yes, because of their

cupcake factory, the air

always smells like vanilla.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

But their people are

not inherently better

than our people.

The only thing they beat

us in is life expectancy,

beauty pageants,

and average income.

Who cares?

Factoid alert.

Eagleton was founded

by former Pawneeans.

Pawnee was established

in May of 1817.

And by July,

finding the smell unpleasant

and the soil untenable,

all the wealthy people

evacuated to Eagleton.

Hello, Pawnee.

Welcome to our public forum.

Hi, I'm Thomas

Montgomery Haverford.

Okay.

Well, nice outfit.

What, did you just come

from the stables?

Yes. I was just

at the stables.

You look like

you've been working hard.

You have a million

fly-aways right now.

Would you like to borrow

a mirror or a self-help book?

I would not.

I would like you to get off

your high horse, Lindsay.

Pun intended.

You know if I had your job,

there would be no fence there.

Well, you don't have my job

because you knew

you couldn't handle it.

The forum is beginning.

We've got a little bit

of Eagleton business,

and then I'll introduce you.

Great.

Look how pretty

the people are.

Hey, Ron.

How's the street parking

at your house?

What?

Can you handle, like, 20 cars

or a double-decker party bus?

There is no street parking

at my house.

My house is not even

on a street.

Do you have space

for, like, a huge circus tent?

Hey, Ron. Have you seen...

What the hell?

No!

Oh!

Well, looks like there

won't be any balloons

for the birthday boy.

These were for a sick child

at the hospital.

My office, now.

I don't work for you.

Don't care.

Decisions, decisions.

I think I'm gonna go

with the porcini mushrooms

and boursin, s'il vous plaît.

...that the Eagleton-Pawnee

fence does a lot more harm

than it does good.

Hello. I'm Bertram Rolands,

a citizen of Eagleton.

With all due respect,

Ms. Knope,

can't you just clean up

your side of the park,

put some new equipment there?

Well, we would love

to do that,

but, unfortunately,

money is tight right now.

Hello. I'm Christine Porter.

I want to respectfully say

that I'm in favor

of the fence.

I see it as a kind

of punishment for Pawnee

that might inspire your

town to clean up its act.

Well, I would like

to respectfully say

that any child should be able

to play in any park,

regardless of wealth

or status.

Anyway, this is

Joey Plunkett.

Joey, wave to the audience.

Oh, you can't, because

you broke your arm

climbing that fence.

I can wave

with this arm.

No, you can't.

Both your arms are broken.

All due respect,

I recognize that boy.

He was caught selling

fireworks to Eagleton kids.

Well, with more due respect,

a lot of boys do that

in our town. You cannot

be sure that he is the one.

This is a perfect example

of how we're going

to help you.

Here's to you, Joey,

and your mother

and to every Pawnee citizen

who might have a bright future

if they fundamentally change

everything about themselves.

Thanks to Leslie Knope.

I'm not done.

Isn't she trying

her hardest?

So cute and so good.

I'm only gonna ask

you this once.

What is going on

with my birthday?

Oh, my God. Ron,

it's your birthday.

Happy Birthday.

Shut your damn mouth.

This is a fun conversation.

Just tell me what

Leslie is planning.

Honestly, I don't know.

I haven't heard anything.

Why don't you tell me

what she did

for your last birthday?

Oh, well,

that was intense.

She totally surprised me.

She kidnapped me

from work,

and then she took me

to that place, Señor Vega's,

you know, where

the mariachi band comes out.

They put a big sombrero

on you, and then everybody

sings "Happy Birthday"?

Damn it.

And then we went

back to my house,

and she invited

basically everyone I knew,

and she had this great guy

doing face painting,

and I had my face painted

like a fairy tiger.

Ugh.

Also, she did it, like,

a week before my birthday,

which is genius,

'cause I had no idea

it was coming.

And then there was

a bouncy castle.

Did you know they made

those for adults?

Mmm-hmm.

Maybe I'll change it up

this time. Can I try

the andouille sausage?

Tom, let's go.

What? No.

Hey, not you too.

It's gross. I don't like it.

It's disgusting.

Did you guys get

your public forum gift bag?

There's an iPod touch in here.

Man, she used to not be

like this. Eagleton really

changed her.

Yeah, what exactly happened

between the two of you,

anyway?

Five years ago, Eagleton

offered me that job.

And you said no?

Are you insane?

I talked it over with Lindsay,

and we made a pact

that we would stay

in Pawnee together

and work hard and fight

to make Pawnee

a better place to live.

And then they offered her

the job, and she took it

and disappeared.

Wow.

Verbena-scented soy candles!

You want me

to do what, now?

Send Leslie somewhere

on an assignment,

a conference or something,

and make her take April

and freeze their

bank accounts.

I don't understand.

Is Leslie's work

unsatisfactory?

No, it has nothing to do

with her work.

I don't want

to get into it.

Ron, look,

this is me, okay?

You know you can talk

to me about anything.

Well, it's my birthday

on Friday.

Hey! Happy Birthday.

I'm ending this right now.

I'm just gonna leave early

and go home.

Unless...

That's exactly what

she wants me to do.

All right, everybody

just grab a bag and open it up

and then try to find

some dirty stuff in there.

What are you doing?

Eagleton treats us

like garbage. We're gonna

treat them like garbage.

We're gonna take

these bags of trash,

and we're gonna throw it over

to their side of the park.

And then we're just gonna

let the stink and

the raccoons run wild.

Well, isn't that

just playing right into

what they think of you?

Oh, my God.

What am I thinking?

Let's just stop this.

Put everything

back in the truck.

Let's back it up.

No, no, no, no.

Leslie, you promised

we could throw

garbage everywhere.

Wow.

I didn't expect

to see the whole Parks

Department here,

although it is, sadly,

one of the nicest spots

in town.

I am so sick

of this, Lindsay.

Wait, Leslie.

I've got this.

You listen to me,

Lindsay Carlisle Shay.

Why don't you take

your fancy dog,

get in your Escalade,

and if you have

any job openings,

maybe you should let

me know about 'em.

Come on, man.

No!

I'm sick of

being treated

like I'm not willing

to relocate to Eagleton,

because I am!

So here's what

you could do, lady.

Take this resume

and shove it into

your human resources slot.

Oh, yeah!

Shove it there!

No.

You might have a fancy car

and a mahogany purse,

or whatever rich people have,

but I remember something

that you're trying to forget.

You're a Pawnee girl.

No, Leslie, I'm not.

Well, then why

do you come here

at dinnertime

and get takeout

from the legendary

J.J.'s Diner?

It's not for me.

These waffles make

great dog laxatives.

Don't you dare

feed that waffle to that dog

to get it to poop.

Sambuca need to make?

There you go.

Leslie.

How dare you?

No!

Get her, Leslie!

No!

Garbage fight!

Ugh!

I want her arrested

for attempted murder.

For God's sake, Knope.

Get a grip.

Thank God you're here!

I want her arrested!

She attacked me,

and then she hurled my

Kate Spade headband somewhere.

I think my Eagleton

colleagues would agree

that we don't want to make

a federal case out of this,

so I suggest you

both apologize

to each other,

and we pretend

this never happened.

I will never apologize

to her.

Nor I her.

"Nor I her."

I doth proclaim

to be a stupid fart-face.

Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw

write that for you?

Did G.B. Shaw write

your stupid fart-face?

Ladies, if you

don't apologize,

we're gonna have to toss

the both of you in jail.

So just swallow your pride.

Say you're sorry.

We hope you enjoy your

evening here at the

Eagleton holding cell.

Can I offer you anything?

Herbal tea, Greek yogurt?

No.

Morning, Ron.

Oh, dude, you forgot

to put a shirt on.

I do it all the time.

It's fine.

I slept here.

Sweet.

So a little birdie told me

it's your birthday coming up.

How about a free

birthday shoe shine?

What did this little birdie

tell you is going to happen

for my birthday?

Nice try, Ron.

You're not getting

anything out of me.

Andrew, please.

Ron, look, I love you

like a father,

who's not that much older

than me, like a young uncle,

or like, you were

my camp counselor,

but we're adults, so

we hang out, and it's

not weird, you know.

Or, actually,

here's what it is.

You're my lacrosse coach.

I get it. I get it.

What's the point?

Well, coach,

Leslie swore me

to secrecy, so

I can't say anything.

I owe her so much.

I can't ruin it for her.

Well, I respect that.

Mmm-hmm.

See you later.

Okay. Not if I see

you first, Uncle Ron.

And I probably will,

'cause Leslie assigned me

to the kidnap squad.

Hey, jailbird.

Beautiful Ann, thank you

for coming to get me.

Oh, my God,

are you kidding?

Are you okay?

It was a rough night,

but I survived.

Scone?

They only have

maple walnut.

Yeah. Thank you.

Why did you get arrested?

What did you do?

The only thing I'm guilty of

is loving Pawnee.

And punching Lindsay

in the face

and shoving a coffee filter

down her pants.

But in my defense,

I believe that assault

should be legal

if a person is a jerk.

Why are you letting her get

to you like this?

Because she's

a stupid jerk...

Because we were best friends

and then she sold out

everything that

we believed in.

And the worst part?

To her, our friendship,

it's like it never happened.

Well, first of all,

this color looks amazing

on you.

Thank you.

Second of all,

the whole fence thing,

she's obviously trying

to get a rise out of you.

Third of all,

she knows she only

got the job

because you turned it down,

which must drive her nuts.

But most importantly,

you say the word,

and I will beat her senseless

with a baseball bat.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God.

Okay, we have a lot

of work to do.

Ann, put these scones

in your bra.

Let's go.

Okay.

Can we just stop off

at the lobby?

'Cause the prison gift bags

are amazing.

Hey, batter, batter.

Hey, batter, batter, batter.

Hey, batter...

Lucas with a crazy

base hit!

Dude, stop rooting

for the other team.

You're just mad

'cause they are

lighting you up.

What's going on here?

Hi, Lindsay!

Introducing the Pawnee

Wiffle Ball League.

It's an idea that I came up

with after my best friend,

Ann, over there

said she wanted to bash

your head in with

a baseball bat.

And I want to thank you

for the fence.

There's no way we could afford

that high-quality wood.

What if someone hits

a home run? How will

you get the ball back?

One of the many Eagleton

kids who signed up

will just pop over

and grab it.

Hey, what are you

doing tonight?

Why?

I don't know.

I thought maybe

you could bust out

your old Jazz sweatshirt,

and you and I could go

to Sullivan's for a beer.

Yeah, I do still have

that sweatshirt.

I know you do.

Foul ball!

You did all this

in a day?

Yeah.

I work with some

really great people.

Good job, guys.

Great job.

Hey, did you hear the news?

Ben and Chris want us

to go into Conference Room "C"

for a meeting.

Let's get this over with.

Happy Birthday, Ron.

Ann said you had a big party,

sombreros, karaoke.

Yeah, I did that for Ann.

Why would I throw Ron Swanson

an Ann Perkins party?

What about the giant list

of things April was doing?

That was just a list of ways

to mess with you.

She do 'em all?

She did indeed.

So I have rented

Bridge on the River Kwai

and The Dirty Dozen.

Artie from security is

outside the door,

so no one will bother you.

And a cab will be here

whenever you're ready

to take you home.

Thank you.

Do you remember

what you said

to me five years ago

when Eagleton offered me

that job, and I asked you

for your advice?

"Do whatever the hell

you want. What do I care?"

Right, but then, after,

when I pressed you,

what did you say?

I believe I said that

I thought we worked

well together

and that I might disagree

with your philosophy,

but I respected you.

And I said that you'll get

a lot of job offers

in your life,

but you only have

one hometown.

Yes. That's how

I remember it.

This, by the way,

is a one-time-only situation.

Next year, your birthday party

is gonna be a rager.

Mmm.