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1
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realEstate.
2
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-August Ripley.
-Rochelle Decker.
3
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-I get these things.
4
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,150
I can’t hear them anymore,
I can’t see them.
5
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:16,790
-[hissing]
-But I know them.
6
00:00:16,820 --> 00:00:18,610
-You know,
I always liked you, Zooey.
7
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She’s one of us.
8
00:00:19,990 --> 00:00:22,660
-One of us. One of us.
9
00:00:22,710 --> 00:00:25,300
-I heard about the day
you left the church.
10
00:00:25,330 --> 00:00:28,040
-The organization
wasn’t meeting my needs.
11
00:00:28,090 --> 00:00:29,970
-[Susan] Dear Luke,
please consider this
12
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,790
my resignation
from the Roman Agency.
13
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:33,470
Effective immediately.
14
00:00:33,510 --> 00:00:35,060
Susan Ireland.
15
00:00:37,930 --> 00:00:39,480
[dramatic boom]
16
00:00:40,310 --> 00:00:41,850
[thunder booming]
17
00:00:41,890 --> 00:00:43,800
[leaves rustling]
18
00:00:43,850 --> 00:00:45,390
[eerie score]
19
00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:49,490
[blade rings]
20
00:00:50,190 --> 00:00:52,230
[slow nasal inhale, exhale]
21
00:00:53,030 --> 00:00:54,910
[low groaning]
22
00:00:57,950 --> 00:00:59,500
[groan]
23
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-Hasan!
24
00:01:09,380 --> 00:01:10,920
[heavy footsteps on porch]
25
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,790
[grunt]
26
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,340
[dramatic score]
27
00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:20,770
[blade rings]
28
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:24,650
[paper crinkling]
29
00:01:25,940 --> 00:01:27,480
[thunder crackles]
30
00:01:28,690 --> 00:01:30,240
[knife thuds]
31
00:01:30,270 --> 00:01:32,440
-[evil chuckling]
-[show theme plays]
32
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[footsteps receding]
33
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[man screaming]
34
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[gentle score]
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-[Luke] Mina, Tarik,
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I can’t give you a guaranteed
sale date or price.
37
00:01:49,670 --> 00:01:53,420
Nobody can. The market
is a living, breathing thing.
38
00:01:54,010 --> 00:01:56,140
-So, what was that number
you gave us five minutes ago?
39
00:01:56,170 --> 00:01:58,380
-That is a listing price
that I think will put us
40
00:01:58,430 --> 00:02:00,720
in a very positive position.
I suspect we’ll get
41
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,720
several offers above that,
but, well, wait and see.
42
00:02:03,770 --> 00:02:05,310
So,
43
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is there anything else
that I need to know?
44
00:02:08,810 --> 00:02:10,970
-Mmm. No.
-Mmm. No. Nothing. No.
45
00:02:11,020 --> 00:02:12,520
-No, I-I-I don’t--
-Sounds great.
46
00:02:12,570 --> 00:02:14,490
-I don’t think so, no.
47
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,560
-These older houses
often have, uh,
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00:02:17,610 --> 00:02:19,440
features and quirks
that could impact
49
00:02:19,490 --> 00:02:22,160
the potential sales price
and days on market.
50
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,410
Now, if this is the case,
51
00:02:24,450 --> 00:02:26,160
we are very good
at managing these things,
52
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,370
but now is the time
to tell us.
53
00:02:28,410 --> 00:02:30,870
-Did you tell him
about the antichrist next door?
54
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,050
-Daria.
-He needs to know.
55
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-The Masseys.
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-Our neighbors from hell.
57
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-Unreasonable neighbors
aren’t that--
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...unusual.
59
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,060
-Unreasonable?
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00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,110
They’ve been a problem
since we moved in.
61
00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:50,640
-We’ve tried to be
good neighbors.
62
00:02:50,690 --> 00:02:52,230
Ask anyone else on the block.
63
00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:54,980
-But with the Masseys? -If they
find out we’re selling,
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00:02:55,570 --> 00:02:57,110
they’ll try to sabotage us.
65
00:02:57,150 --> 00:03:00,270
-Badmouth us.
Scare away the buyers.
66
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,860
-Who wants to live
next to murderous psychopaths?
67
00:03:02,910 --> 00:03:04,580
-We generally try and keep
those bullet points
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00:03:04,620 --> 00:03:06,370
out of the marketing materials.
69
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,630
-What can we do?
70
00:03:08,660 --> 00:03:10,910
-Well, generally,
I like to head off the problem
71
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,050
by reaching out first;
create goodwill.
72
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,500
-Goodwill?
Good luck.
73
00:03:15,550 --> 00:03:18,640
-You’d be surprised what a
properly deployed muffin basket
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00:03:18,670 --> 00:03:20,840
can achieve.
Now, are you done with this?
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00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,360
Nice landscaping.
76
00:03:31,390 --> 00:03:33,390
Least they
keep the property up.
77
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,860
-That’s what they always say
about axe murderers:
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00:03:36,610 --> 00:03:38,400
"Gee, what a surprise.
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00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:41,190
They took such good care
of their yard."
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00:03:42,610 --> 00:03:44,150
-Hm.
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00:03:55,460 --> 00:03:57,130
-Hey!
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-Nice greenery.
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-Aren’t they?
84
00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:05,720
[score fades out]
85
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,170
-So, should be an easy one.
A normie.
86
00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:10,800
-Hm.
Just like Susan suggested.
87
00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:12,400
[Luke sighs]
88
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,560
-We’ve always welcomed
every client,
89
00:04:15,610 --> 00:04:17,940
regardless of their degree
of metaphysical engagement,
90
00:04:17,980 --> 00:04:19,890
so the Hasans should be
pretty simple.
91
00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:21,690
Open, show, closing.
92
00:04:21,740 --> 00:04:24,780
But their neighbors
have got them really spooked.
93
00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:26,860
-Perhaps it’s just
bad chemistry.
94
00:04:27,950 --> 00:04:31,040
-Maybe, but, Phil, when you
do the HCP at the Hasan house--
95
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,210
-I’ll check the
Massey place, too.
96
00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:35,300
-Maybe they’re just too alike?
97
00:04:35,330 --> 00:04:37,910
I mean, suburbia rots everyone’s
brain sooner or later.
98
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,630
-The Hasans have lived there
for eight years.
99
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,180
They never had problems with
anyone else, or so they say.
100
00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:44,430
August, I want you in there
sooner than later.
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00:04:44,470 --> 00:04:46,760
Hasans don’t seem like
the type to make this up, but--
102
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-There was a fascinating study
done on Norwegian rats
103
00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:51,760
-[phone buzzing]
-...living in close proximity--
104
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-Tarik? We were
just talking about you.
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[dramatic score]
106
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What?
107
00:05:02,610 --> 00:05:04,370
-Okay...
108
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,270
you’re gonna have to
believe us now.
109
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,440
-I can’t believe
a normal person would--
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00:05:08,490 --> 00:05:10,910
-Go all Ozzy Osbourne and then
drop it on our doorstep?
111
00:05:11,660 --> 00:05:13,830
I told you,
these people are sick.
112
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-[Mina gasps]
-[tense score]
113
00:05:15,460 --> 00:05:17,380
-I can’t
take this anymore.
114
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-[gasps]
-You don’t have to.
115
00:05:21,090 --> 00:05:23,050
-Tarik, this really isn’t
the time
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to get into an altercation
with these people.
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-[Tarik] Massey!
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[footsteps receding]
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Massey, you cowardly
pile of puke!
120
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,650
Come out and face me!
Massey!
121
00:05:36,690 --> 00:05:38,940
And don’t just send out
your freakishly tall wife
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to fight your battles!
I want a piece of you!
123
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,700
-Man, dial it down a little.
-[door opens]
124
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-What’d you say
about my wife?
125
00:05:45,610 --> 00:05:47,150
-I don’t think
that he meant anything.
126
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,290
-She’s tall!
Freakishly tall!
127
00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:50,900
Abnormally tall!
128
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:53,250
-You take that back.
-Or what?
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00:05:53,290 --> 00:05:55,170
You gonna unleash
Slenderwoman on me?
130
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,780
-I’m gonna do some unleashing,
all right.
131
00:05:56,830 --> 00:05:58,960
-[dog barking]
-What kind of a sicko
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00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,460
rips the head off a bird
and puts it on someone’s porch?
133
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:02,870
-The kind of sicko
who’s tired of getting
134
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,470
a midnight suntan, that’s who!
135
00:06:04,510 --> 00:06:07,760
-My porch light, my rules!
-Tariq, put down the rock.
136
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,930
-My dog! Your ass!
How about that?
137
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:13,100
-Mr. Massey, put down the dog.
-Whoa-ho-ho.
138
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,520
And a shadow covers the land
as the 50-foot woman attacks.
139
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,610
-Eat a heaping
bowl of shit, Hasan!
140
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,810
-You bird dismemberer!
141
00:06:20,860 --> 00:06:23,110
-You’re insane!
-You’re a sociopath!
142
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:26,030
-You’re neighbors!
-Come get your bird, Massey.
143
00:06:26,070 --> 00:06:28,570
-Okay.
Go get ’em, Buttercup!
144
00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:30,150
-Go on!
-No!
145
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,740
[dog barking]
146
00:06:33,830 --> 00:06:35,370
-[Mina crying in fear]
-[dog growling]
147
00:06:38,710 --> 00:06:40,920
[Massey and Renata laughing]
148
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,710
-Hope he saved me
a drumstick.
149
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,290
-Hm.
150
00:06:44,340 --> 00:06:45,880
-[score fades out]
-[birds chirping]
151
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,220
-[Renata] The irony is
I’m only five-nine.
152
00:06:49,260 --> 00:06:50,890
In heels.
153
00:06:50,930 --> 00:06:53,020
-You always had
this kind of, um...
154
00:06:53,050 --> 00:06:55,050
tension between you?
155
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:57,190
-Tension?
They made our lives
156
00:06:57,220 --> 00:06:58,850
a living hell
ever since we moved in.
157
00:06:58,890 --> 00:07:01,390
-Thought you were here first?
-Oh!
158
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,990
-Look. Look at the things
they do.
159
00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:12,650
-It’s a little hard
to make out.
160
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,870
-Yeah, that’s because
of their goddam porchlight.
161
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Thing’s gotta be like
a 100 jillion lumens.
162
00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:19,420
It shines right into
our bedroom all night.
163
00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:21,380
-Well, did you
talk to them about it?
164
00:07:21,420 --> 00:07:24,590
-Yeah. They suggested
something involving a place
165
00:07:24,630 --> 00:07:27,300
where the sun doesn’t shine.
It was hurtful.
166
00:07:27,340 --> 00:07:28,970
-Yeah, that’s not even
the worst of it.
167
00:07:29,010 --> 00:07:30,550
Here, look at this.
168
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,380
-Does that say--?
-Yeah!
169
00:07:33,430 --> 00:07:35,100
-The ’f word’.
-Son of a bitch
170
00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:37,440
snuck onto our property at night
and wrote it in huge letters
171
00:07:37,470 --> 00:07:39,470
with a fertilizer spreader
on our front lawn.
172
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:42,110
-We had to mow every few days
to keep it from growing taller
173
00:07:42,140 --> 00:07:43,970
and corrupting young people.
174
00:07:44,020 --> 00:07:46,980
-Well, you did pin a note
to their door with a knife.
175
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:48,850
-[dramatic score]
-Have you seen their hedges?
176
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,730
They look like
the lead singer from--
177
00:07:50,780 --> 00:07:52,620
-What’s the name of that band?
-The Melvins.
178
00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:55,120
-The Melvins!
And they refuse to trim ’em!
179
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,710
You know how something like that
can affect property values!
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00:07:59,290 --> 00:08:00,830
Okay.
181
00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:03,380
Look, you seem okay
for a real estate guy.
182
00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:06,210
And if you sell the house,
we’ll be glad to see them go.
183
00:08:06,250 --> 00:08:08,620
But... there’s no goddamn way
184
00:08:08,670 --> 00:08:10,430
that we are gonna help them
do anything.
185
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:12,080
-You mark my words:
186
00:08:12,130 --> 00:08:14,710
If we ever turn up dead
and headless, bleeding out
187
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,560
on the porch like that poor bird
Buttercup got hold of,
188
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,520
you’ll know
the Hasans did it.
189
00:08:24,190 --> 00:08:25,730
-Well,
190
00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:28,850
meanwhile,
enjoy the muffins.
191
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:35,280
-[pensive score]
-[August] Quitting? Already?
192
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,240
Well, you’ve only been
a real estate agent
193
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,860
for a few days.
194
00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:41,830
You closed the Dunn-Herberts
when no one else could.
195
00:08:41,870 --> 00:08:44,920
-Yeah. And then I went home
and took a 45-minute shower
196
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,670
to wash off the filmy residue
of capitalism.
197
00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:49,880
-It’s called growing up.
198
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,720
-No, this was called
selling out.
199
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,260
And I just don’t think
that it’s right for me.
200
00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:58,100
But I also don’t want to
let Luke down either.
201
00:08:58,140 --> 00:09:00,730
-It’s fine to wander
when you’re young.
202
00:09:00,770 --> 00:09:02,310
Noble, even.
203
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:04,930
But one must eventually
choose a path
204
00:09:04,980 --> 00:09:06,520
and follow it
to the end
205
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:10,640
because old wanderers
lack direction, purpose.
206
00:09:11,730 --> 00:09:14,610
-And they often pee outdoors.
-[elevator arriving chime]
207
00:09:15,570 --> 00:09:17,110
-Ew.
208
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:18,700
[score fades out]
209
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:22,370
Hi. May I help you?
210
00:09:22,950 --> 00:09:24,780
-Oh, I’m-I’m looking for
Phil Orley.
211
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:27,090
-May I say who is here?
-[scoffs]
212
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,250
-[elevator arriving chime]
-Philly can’t possibly be
213
00:09:29,290 --> 00:09:31,660
important enough to merit
this level of screening.
214
00:09:31,710 --> 00:09:34,460
-[chuckle]
Oh, Philly.
215
00:09:34,510 --> 00:09:36,970
-Hey, Philly. Que pasa?
216
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,640
-Abby!
[sighs]
217
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,890
Wh-what are you doing here?
Is everything okay?
218
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,560
-Everything’s fine.
I was just about to
219
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,020
submit a blood sample
to your secretary here.
220
00:09:47,060 --> 00:09:49,030
-[chuckle]
It’s not too late.
221
00:09:49,060 --> 00:09:50,810
-This is Zooey,
our newest agent.
222
00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:52,950
Zooey, my big sister,
Abby.
223
00:09:54,740 --> 00:09:56,490
-Charmed.
-Mm.
224
00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:58,080
-Okay, come on.
225
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,910
So, Abs, not that this
isn’t a treat, but what’s up?
226
00:10:03,950 --> 00:10:05,570
-I was in town and wondered
227
00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:07,240
if you and Anthony
were free for dinner.
228
00:10:07,290 --> 00:10:08,840
-In town for what?
229
00:10:08,870 --> 00:10:11,200
-To take you and Anthony
for dinner.
230
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,510
I was taking care
of some paperwork
231
00:10:13,550 --> 00:10:15,800
from mom and dad’s estate --
you’re welcome --
232
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,470
and thought what a great excuse
to visit
233
00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:19,510
my third-favorite
little brother.
234
00:10:19,550 --> 00:10:21,130
Play your cards right
and that
235
00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:22,980
second-favorite slot
might even open up.
236
00:10:23,010 --> 00:10:26,010
-Okay, well, I’ll have to check
with Anthony. He’s really busy--
237
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,610
-How ’bout that place
we all went to last Christmas?
238
00:10:29,190 --> 00:10:32,490
-Fremonts?
-Fremonts. Tomorrow night? 7:00?
239
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,560
-Abby, I’ve got a ton of work
on my plate right now. I don’t--
240
00:10:35,610 --> 00:10:37,320
-I know you’re so busy
and important.
241
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,900
Let’s make it 7:30.
242
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,540
Give this a quick look.
We’ll talk at dinner.
243
00:10:43,030 --> 00:10:45,820
-Bye.
-[Phil sighs]
244
00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:53,130
[elevator call ding]
[elevator doors open]
245
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,010
-My big sister,
ladies and gentlemen.
246
00:10:56,050 --> 00:10:58,590
-Yeah, I’m not sure I like her.
-Oh, me neither.
247
00:10:58,630 --> 00:11:00,630
-Luke wanted you to call him,
by the way.
248
00:11:01,550 --> 00:11:03,170
-Okay.
249
00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:04,770
-Philly.
250
00:11:05,310 --> 00:11:07,650
-I hate to say it,
but the records look clean.
251
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,220
Property line has stayed
the same since it was farmland.
252
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,820
-Well, how long
have they been there?
253
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,110
-That’s gonna take
a deeper dive.
254
00:11:14,150 --> 00:11:17,030
Farm bureau records,
folklore, anecdotals...
255
00:11:17,070 --> 00:11:18,910
-Well, these houses
have been here a while.
256
00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:21,190
See if you can track down
who lived here before.
257
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,450
-I love a challenge.
-Hm.
258
00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:25,290
-[pensive score]
-[call disconnecting click]
259
00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:26,870
[birds chirping]
260
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,710
[doorbell chimes]
261
00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:34,210
-Good news is it’s a great house
at a reasonable price point.
262
00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:36,290
-[score fades out]
-The buyers should be lined up.
263
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:39,170
-I think we know
the bad news already.
264
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:40,760
They live next door.
265
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,510
-Honestly, I have to tell you,
266
00:11:42,550 --> 00:11:44,130
I spoke with them
and they were--
267
00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:47,480
-Don’t say it!
-Reasonable. Even nice.
268
00:11:47,510 --> 00:11:49,050
-You were here!
269
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,230
Did you not see
the decapitated bird?
270
00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:53,110
-They told me
their dog did that.
271
00:11:53,150 --> 00:11:54,820
-And you believed them?
272
00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:56,400
-Honestly, I don’t know
who to believe.
273
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,650
You did some kind of
extreme stuff to them, too.
274
00:11:59,530 --> 00:12:01,070
-He showed you the lawn.
275
00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:03,280
-You’re not exactly
innocents here.
276
00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:07,570
-Then maybe we need to find
new representation.
277
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:09,830
-Mm-hm.
-You’d fire us?
278
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:12,950
Wow, that is
wildly unprecedented
279
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,460
and certainly your prerogative,
but my solution
280
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,720
would be to sell your house
as quickly as possible
281
00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:19,460
for the most amount of money
possible
282
00:12:19,510 --> 00:12:22,260
and put some space
between you and the Masseys
283
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,470
before you develop
a nuclear program.
284
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:26,060
[pensive score]
285
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:30,730
-We have that block party
coming up.
286
00:12:30,770 --> 00:12:32,400
A lot of people
come to that.
287
00:12:32,430 --> 00:12:34,140
-Great! Everybody loves
a block party.
288
00:12:34,190 --> 00:12:36,690
Gives people a real chance to
get a feel for the neighborhood,
289
00:12:36,730 --> 00:12:40,030
see how well
everybody gets along.
290
00:12:41,530 --> 00:12:43,450
-If it’ll get us
out of here faster,
291
00:12:44,660 --> 00:12:46,200
we’ll fake it.
292
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,790
-That is all
I want to hear!
293
00:12:51,410 --> 00:12:54,370
Look, you don’t
need to love them.
294
00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:56,130
Just don’t attack them
for a while.
295
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,620
-We’ll try.
296
00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:01,220
-And maybe turn off
that porch light
297
00:13:01,260 --> 00:13:03,300
that burns
like a thousand suns?
298
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,420
-We’ll see.
299
00:13:06,140 --> 00:13:08,680
-There you go.
Peace in our time.
300
00:13:11,930 --> 00:13:13,470
[score turns darker]
301
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,360
Your greatest advantage
is that you live
302
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,940
in a highly desirable
neighborhood
303
00:13:18,980 --> 00:13:20,900
and no other inventory
is available here.
304
00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:22,810
-You get to set the market and--
-[hammering]
305
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,660
-This means war.
306
00:13:33,950 --> 00:13:35,490
[score fades out]
307
00:13:39,750 --> 00:13:41,910
-[Phil] I really appreciate
you coming in, Mr. Flynn.
308
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,790
-Oh, my office
is just around the corner.
309
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:47,640
-Great. So, you used to live
at 4 Sotherfield Lane, right?
310
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,270
Next door
to Rowan and Renata Massey?
311
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:52,130
-Ohh... They were the worst.
-[unsettling score]
312
00:13:52,180 --> 00:13:54,270
-How so?
-Arguments.
313
00:13:54,310 --> 00:13:56,270
Noisy. Nasty.
314
00:13:56,310 --> 00:13:57,860
All the time -- endless.
315
00:13:57,900 --> 00:13:59,440
-About what?
316
00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:03,320
-You know,
neighbor stuff.
317
00:14:04,570 --> 00:14:06,120
-Anything specific?
318
00:14:11,580 --> 00:14:13,540
-They killed my cat!
319
00:14:14,580 --> 00:14:16,130
-Excuse me?
320
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,870
-They put out a bowl of
antifreeze and poisoned my cat!
321
00:14:19,630 --> 00:14:21,380
-That’s dark.
-Weird.
322
00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:24,920
I forgot it until just now.
323
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,710
-Hey.
-[British accent] Yeah?
324
00:14:32,390 --> 00:14:33,930
-You work for Rita.
-[playful score]
325
00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:36,050
-I’m her assistant.
326
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,900
-Hm.
327
00:14:39,310 --> 00:14:40,850
[door opening]
328
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,320
[door closing]
329
00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:50,120
Hey! You never mentioned
you were thinking about selling.
330
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,040
-Oh, we been thinking about it
for a while.
331
00:14:52,070 --> 00:14:53,570
You know,
we got the nicer house
332
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:56,080
and we’re
empirically better people,
333
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,580
so why let them
set the market?
334
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:01,960
-Luke! So nice to see you.
335
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,880
I’m afraid this house is a...
336
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,720
tiny bit out of your
price range,
337
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:09,720
but maybe we can help you find
a nice haunted amusement park,
338
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,310
or something.
339
00:15:13,010 --> 00:15:14,760
-Can I have a word?
-Hm.
340
00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:20,110
-Look who’s over there.
341
00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:22,600
-Listen, Rita,
there is something going on
342
00:15:22,650 --> 00:15:24,280
between these neighbors.
343
00:15:24,310 --> 00:15:26,060
-A little friction
between neighbors?
344
00:15:26,110 --> 00:15:27,700
Happens all the time.
345
00:15:27,730 --> 00:15:29,650
-[Hasan] You piece of crap!
-[edgy score]
346
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:31,240
[unintelligible yelling]
347
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,950
You had to horn
in on our actions!
348
00:15:32,990 --> 00:15:35,080
-We have every right
to expose it to the open market,
349
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,960
-just the same as you!
-Swear to God, you better not--
350
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,880
-That cow meant everything to us
and you took her for your own!
351
00:15:40,910 --> 00:15:43,200
-The cow
wandered onto our land!
352
00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:45,170
-You were trying
to claim him!
353
00:15:45,210 --> 00:15:46,840
-...whole crop of sorghum!
354
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,930
We will have nothing
for the rest of the season.
355
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,920
-Don’t dare tell me what to do!
-I’ll bite them off your hand!
356
00:15:51,970 --> 00:15:54,890
-Tarik!
-I’ve had enough of you, buddy!
357
00:15:54,930 --> 00:15:56,850
-Tarik!
358
00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:00,520
Remember what we talked about?
359
00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:04,180
Back in the house.
360
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,570
-This isn’t over! Swear to God!
-No, it’s not over,
361
00:16:07,610 --> 00:16:09,530
because you’re not lying
in a pool of blood!
362
00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:12,030
-Hey!
-Not yet! Not yet!
363
00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:13,620
-No, come on!
364
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,360
-So, a little friction,
you say?
365
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,210
-Did you hear
what they were screaming about?
366
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,490
-Uh, I dunno.
Something about a cow?
367
00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:26,670
[paper rustling]
368
00:16:26,710 --> 00:16:28,260
[score fades out]
369
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,300
[elevator arriving chime]
370
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,270
[slams paper onto desk]
371
00:16:37,010 --> 00:16:40,470
-Hey. I got your text.
I’m working tonight so--
372
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,400
-You are not
gonna believe this.
373
00:16:42,430 --> 00:16:45,010
-It’s Abigail.
I might.
374
00:16:45,690 --> 00:16:48,570
-This is an affidavit
of posthumous variation,
375
00:16:48,610 --> 00:16:50,820
which is a precursor
to post-probate allocation,
376
00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:52,780
-which means--
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
377
00:16:52,820 --> 00:16:54,370
Start at the beginning.
378
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,360
[deep sigh]
379
00:16:56,410 --> 00:16:59,160
-My parents were super involved
in our parish church,
380
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,290
my whole life.
You know this.
381
00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,710
So they always told us,
"When we’re gone,
382
00:17:03,750 --> 00:17:06,090
everything’s split
between you kids except for
383
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,450
this one piece of land.
That’s for the church."
384
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,120
-Like, to
build a church, or...?
385
00:17:11,170 --> 00:17:13,250
-Who cares? It’s a couple acres
of dirt and weeds
386
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:14,970
that I don’t think
Jesus could find
387
00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:16,970
without the GPS coordinates.
388
00:17:17,010 --> 00:17:18,560
-And yet?
-And yet,
389
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,930
when my mom passed
it never came up.
390
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,480
I just assumed that it was
specified in the will
391
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,060
and then handed over.
392
00:17:26,310 --> 00:17:27,850
-[gentle score]
-Apparently not.
393
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,070
It’s gone to us kids
with the rest of the estate.
394
00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:33,570
-So, it’s ours now?
395
00:17:33,610 --> 00:17:36,450
Our summer place
to graze the ponies
396
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:38,620
and let the corgis run free?
397
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:43,610
-Abigail says that we should
donate it to the church now.
398
00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:45,570
That’s what these forms are for.
399
00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:47,790
See, you know,
400
00:17:47,830 --> 00:17:49,410
that’s what kills me
about Abigail!
401
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,220
She doesn’t have the decency
to forge my name
402
00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:54,250
and do this deal quietly. No!
403
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:56,510
She has to ambush me
and-and-and
404
00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:58,640
knowing perfectly well that,
given enough time,
405
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,770
not only am I going to say no,
but hell, no.
406
00:18:01,810 --> 00:18:04,940
-Your relationship with
your sister is... complicated.
407
00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:07,980
-She was always the favorite,
the-the good one.
408
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:11,190
It took a big gesture of me
becoming a priest to pull ahead.
409
00:18:11,230 --> 00:18:13,440
-Sort of a Hail Mary.
410
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:19,440
Do you want to
keep the land?
411
00:18:19,490 --> 00:18:21,040
-No. I mean...
412
00:18:22,870 --> 00:18:24,410
What-what would we
do with it?
413
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:27,080
That’s not-that’s not
the point! The...
414
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,790
The point is...
she’s asking me.
415
00:18:30,670 --> 00:18:32,210
Me!
416
00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:34,370
To give something that--
with a not-insignificant
417
00:18:34,420 --> 00:18:36,090
dollar value to the church.
418
00:18:36,630 --> 00:18:38,340
The same church
that chose to model
419
00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:42,260
the tolerant ministry of Christ
by tossing me out the narthex!
420
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:45,300
I’m not good enough,
but my inheritance is? No! No.
421
00:18:45,350 --> 00:18:48,190
-Okay, great, simple.
422
00:18:49,140 --> 00:18:51,010
-Simple?
-Just tell Abby
423
00:18:51,060 --> 00:18:52,600
what you just told me.
424
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:56,400
-Yes.
425
00:18:57,110 --> 00:18:59,030
No.
426
00:18:59,070 --> 00:19:00,910
-Hell, no.
427
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,160
-Hell, no.
428
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,750
[excited children’s voices]
429
00:19:11,170 --> 00:19:12,710
[indistinct conversations]
430
00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:15,220
[children shrieking excitedly
and laughing]
431
00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:20,850
-Now that is marketing.
432
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,090
-Oh, yeah.
Kids at a grade-school rager
433
00:19:23,140 --> 00:19:25,020
are known
for their brand loyalty.
434
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,470
-I’m going to mingle.
435
00:19:30,690 --> 00:19:32,230
[score fades out]
436
00:19:33,270 --> 00:19:34,810
-Hey.
437
00:19:34,860 --> 00:19:36,360
I’m Alvin.
438
00:19:37,780 --> 00:19:39,870
I-I work for
Rita Weiss.
439
00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:41,980
-Oh.
Thoughts and prayers, Alvin.
440
00:19:42,030 --> 00:19:44,200
-[laughs]
You’re with Roman, right?
441
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:45,790
-Mm-hm.
-What’s that like?
442
00:19:46,540 --> 00:19:48,460
-It’s okay.
Most of the time.
443
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:51,290
-I ask
because I hear things.
444
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,500
-What kind of things?
445
00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:55,080
-Like,
446
00:19:55,540 --> 00:19:58,040
you made a pact with the devil
that so you could move people
447
00:19:58,090 --> 00:20:00,340
into different houses so that
he could eat their souls.
448
00:20:00,380 --> 00:20:02,040
-[laughing] Oh...
449
00:20:02,090 --> 00:20:04,300
Yeah, yeah.
I can confirm that.
450
00:20:05,850 --> 00:20:07,890
-Oh!
[laughs]
451
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,150
-You had me there.
-Did I?
452
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,440
-Well, I better get back.
Gotta make sure
453
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,600
nobody gets in there with,
you know, sharp objects.
454
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:21,110
We’ll lose the deposit.
Yeah-ha. Yeah.
455
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,200
-[children laughing excitedly]
-Thank you for your service.
456
00:20:32,620 --> 00:20:34,330
-Wish you’d
thought of it, right?
457
00:20:34,370 --> 00:20:38,250
-Yeah! The next pre-qualified
toddlers to come by are yours.
458
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,870
Listen, we talked to
some of the people who lived
459
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,250
in these houses
before the Hasans and Masseys.
460
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:44,930
[pensive score]
461
00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:46,640
-And?
-Let’s just say
462
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,390
there’s a history of violence.
463
00:20:48,430 --> 00:20:51,100
We need to close these places
before they murder each other.
464
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,220
[sigh]
465
00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:55,680
[tense score]
466
00:21:00,650 --> 00:21:02,200
-[Renata] This is a great idea.
467
00:21:04,150 --> 00:21:05,690
[unintelligible]
468
00:21:06,110 --> 00:21:07,650
-[Hasan] There you go.
469
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,160
[dramatic boom, rumble]
470
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,630
[knife hitting cutting board
loudly]
471
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,380
[unintelligible]
472
00:21:22,550 --> 00:21:24,090
-Hi.
-Oh!
473
00:21:24,130 --> 00:21:25,670
-Here we go!
-[pats stool]
474
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,430
[sinister score]
475
00:21:47,780 --> 00:21:49,330
[dramatic boom]
476
00:21:53,620 --> 00:21:55,170
[thud]
477
00:21:59,210 --> 00:22:01,970
-[blade rings]
-[woman exclaims]
478
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,340
-[Renata] Oops.
-Oh!
479
00:22:07,380 --> 00:22:09,250
-[foot thudding on leg]
-Oh!
480
00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:11,640
[tense score]
481
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,350
[grunting]
482
00:22:13,390 --> 00:22:15,560
-[Luke] Tariq! Rowan!
-[yelling]
483
00:22:16,390 --> 00:22:18,680
-[laughing]
-[grunts]
484
00:22:18,730 --> 00:22:20,280
-Ah!
485
00:22:21,150 --> 00:22:22,820
-[squelch]
-Ahh!
486
00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:25,780
-[squelch]
-[grunt]
487
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,440
-[dramatic score]
-No.
488
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,870
-[dramatic boom]
-Ahh!
489
00:22:33,410 --> 00:22:34,870
-[pop]
-[air hissing]
490
00:22:34,910 --> 00:22:36,490
[exclamations]
491
00:22:36,540 --> 00:22:38,090
[both grunting]
492
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,760
-Ah, ah!
493
00:22:46,510 --> 00:22:49,760
[grunting, groaning]
494
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,340
[thud]
495
00:22:52,220 --> 00:22:54,730
-[grunts, groans]
-Stay!
496
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,640
-Hey, are you okay?
-I am.
497
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,220
But this is
getting out of control.
498
00:22:59,100 --> 00:23:00,640
-Well, this is a mess.
499
00:23:00,690 --> 00:23:03,070
Where’s that
useless assistant of mine?
500
00:23:04,820 --> 00:23:06,360
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
501
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,940
[rubber castle crinkling]
502
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:10,450
-[Zooey gasps]
-[dramatic boom]
503
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:14,820
Alvin bounced.
504
00:23:15,490 --> 00:23:17,030
[score fades out]
505
00:23:20,670 --> 00:23:22,300
[loud ambulance horn]
506
00:23:23,380 --> 00:23:24,920
-[siren wails]
-[dramatic score]
507
00:23:28,050 --> 00:23:30,180
-Well, guess who’s picking up
her own dry cleaning
508
00:23:30,220 --> 00:23:31,850
for the rest of the week.
509
00:23:31,890 --> 00:23:33,430
-He got knifed, Rita...
510
00:23:34,010 --> 00:23:35,550
and you don’t even care!
511
00:23:37,310 --> 00:23:38,850
-This has gone too far.
512
00:23:38,890 --> 00:23:41,350
-Oh, relax.
Nobody’s pressing any charges.
513
00:23:41,390 --> 00:23:42,970
A stitch here,
a tetanus shot there.
514
00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:44,780
-No, we are gonna
get on top of this thing.
515
00:23:44,810 --> 00:23:46,480
I’m gonna do a deep dive
into the Hasans
516
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:49,690
and I need your go ahead
to do the same at the Masseys.
517
00:23:49,740 --> 00:23:51,320
-Your people
in my listing?
518
00:23:51,910 --> 00:23:53,540
-We’re never going to
sell these places
519
00:23:53,570 --> 00:23:55,280
until we settle this.
520
00:23:55,330 --> 00:23:59,080
From a pure greed perspective,
can’t see how you can refuse.
521
00:24:01,250 --> 00:24:02,790
-Well, when you
put it that way.
522
00:24:07,590 --> 00:24:09,130
[score fades out]
523
00:24:09,170 --> 00:24:12,840
-No area in the home
is particularly active?
524
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,550
-I mean,
it’s mostly around that side,
525
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,180
closest to them.
526
00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:18,760
[tense score]
527
00:24:19,770 --> 00:24:22,650
-Any odd sounds at night?
528
00:24:23,270 --> 00:24:25,730
-No. Well, rats.
529
00:24:25,770 --> 00:24:27,680
[dramatic boom]
530
00:24:27,730 --> 00:24:30,060
-Rats?
-The Masseys throw dinner scraps
531
00:24:30,110 --> 00:24:32,070
into our yard
almost every night.
532
00:24:32,110 --> 00:24:35,150
That brought raccoons.
And then the rats came.
533
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:37,870
-That’s despicable.
534
00:24:37,910 --> 00:24:40,170
-It was his first gig
as altar boy.
535
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:41,910
-[Phil] Mm.
-And the cassock was
536
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,500
a little too long.
537
00:24:43,540 --> 00:24:45,590
-[chuckling] Oh.
-Ethan tripped.
538
00:24:45,630 --> 00:24:47,210
-Mm.
-Whoow!
539
00:24:47,250 --> 00:24:49,580
Body of Christ
all over the place.
540
00:24:49,630 --> 00:24:51,220
He was devastated.
541
00:24:51,260 --> 00:24:53,220
He was so worried
Jesus would be mad at him.
542
00:24:53,970 --> 00:24:55,560
-I know that feeling.
543
00:24:55,590 --> 00:24:57,840
-Oh, he reminds me
so much of you at that age.
544
00:24:57,890 --> 00:24:59,390
So innocent.
545
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,100
-[approving tone] Mm.
546
00:25:03,140 --> 00:25:05,430
Ruggedly handsome,
just like his uncle.
547
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,900
-Yeah.
-[Phil chuckles]
548
00:25:07,940 --> 00:25:09,610
-He’s a good boy.
-Yeah.
549
00:25:09,650 --> 00:25:11,240
-Obeys his parents.
550
00:25:12,650 --> 00:25:16,270
-And so we segue gracefully
into the business of the day.
551
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,070
-You knew mom wanted
to give that land to the church.
552
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:20,790
-How could I not?
553
00:25:20,830 --> 00:25:23,120
Every festive dinner over the
last four years of her life
554
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:27,290
included a dry run of
mother’s post-mortem wish list.
555
00:25:27,330 --> 00:25:29,790
-And she wondered why
the desserts weren’t moving.
556
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:31,420
[chuckles]
557
00:25:32,170 --> 00:25:33,880
-But here’s the thing, Abs...
558
00:25:34,510 --> 00:25:36,100
back then it was...
559
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:38,310
it was abstract.
560
00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:40,760
-And back then
you were a priest.
561
00:25:41,510 --> 00:25:43,050
-Yeah.
562
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,110
O-okay, sure, but--
563
00:25:46,350 --> 00:25:48,970
Now?
Now it’s real.
564
00:25:49,020 --> 00:25:52,730
-And now you’re a gay guy
who sells real estate.
565
00:25:52,780 --> 00:25:55,490
-Yeah, and I feel pretty good
about both, if it matters.
566
00:25:55,530 --> 00:25:58,410
-Yeah, it matters.
Of course it matters a lot.
567
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,660
But while your world has turned,
568
00:26:00,700 --> 00:26:03,330
like, a thousand times,
Mom’s hasn’t.
569
00:26:03,370 --> 00:26:05,420
-Dying will do that
to a person.
570
00:26:05,460 --> 00:26:07,250
-It’s a shitty
two acres of nothing.
571
00:26:07,290 --> 00:26:08,800
Why do you even care?
572
00:26:09,830 --> 00:26:12,500
-I care because
you made it personal.
573
00:26:12,550 --> 00:26:14,090
[tender score]
574
00:26:14,130 --> 00:26:16,470
Before it was something
that just happened, like...
575
00:26:17,220 --> 00:26:19,810
February, or rickets,
or the playoffs
576
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,340
and all I could say was,
"Well, that happened."
577
00:26:22,390 --> 00:26:24,850
But now you’re making me
sign off on it.
578
00:26:24,890 --> 00:26:26,940
Endorse it.
And it pisses me off!
579
00:26:26,980 --> 00:26:29,150
-Do you have any idea
how much you hurt her...
580
00:26:29,190 --> 00:26:31,150
-Oh.
-...when you left the church?
581
00:26:31,190 --> 00:26:33,450
Every time one of her friends
asked about
582
00:26:34,030 --> 00:26:37,320
her son, the priest...
she had to correct them.
583
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:40,150
-Yeah. She didn’t have to.
-Yes she did. Phil--
584
00:26:40,740 --> 00:26:42,290
Come on! You knew mom.
585
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,830
She did...
586
00:26:44,870 --> 00:26:46,420
and her heart broke.
587
00:26:47,330 --> 00:26:49,210
-Yeah.
588
00:26:49,250 --> 00:26:51,170
I know that feeling, too.
589
00:26:55,710 --> 00:26:57,500
[sighs]
590
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:02,600
-Mm-hm, mm-hm,
mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
591
00:27:04,220 --> 00:27:05,880
[chair drops]
592
00:27:05,930 --> 00:27:09,720
You know what? Let’s just try it
back over by the shelves again.
593
00:27:09,770 --> 00:27:12,190
-You know, I find myself
envying Alvin
594
00:27:12,230 --> 00:27:14,900
and his reliable
morphine drip.
595
00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:17,240
-Ooh, you’re a smart one.
596
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:18,870
-Yeah, I’m a genius.
597
00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:21,360
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
598
00:27:21,410 --> 00:27:24,540
You recognize
the ultimate futility of it all.
599
00:27:25,030 --> 00:27:27,410
The trick is to identify
what we can change
600
00:27:27,450 --> 00:27:31,240
and what we can’t.
We can move a coffee table.
601
00:27:31,290 --> 00:27:32,920
We can’t
force a lender
602
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,800
to prequalify a buyer
with insufficient income.
603
00:27:37,460 --> 00:27:39,040
Not legally, anyway.
604
00:27:39,090 --> 00:27:41,350
-Okay, you’re starting
to scare me a little.
605
00:27:41,380 --> 00:27:42,880
-That’s real estate, kitten.
606
00:27:43,890 --> 00:27:45,890
Oh, Renata! Hi!
607
00:27:45,930 --> 00:27:49,020
-Hi.
Are you Alvin’s replacement?
608
00:27:49,060 --> 00:27:52,730
-God, I hope not.
-Uh, Zooey’s, um...
609
00:27:52,770 --> 00:27:57,030
a special consultant
here to evaluate the property.
610
00:27:57,070 --> 00:27:59,030
-Yeah, I saw your
R-rated lawn outside.
611
00:27:59,070 --> 00:28:01,780
-God, the Hasans
make it so difficult.
612
00:28:01,820 --> 00:28:03,440
See here!
613
00:28:03,490 --> 00:28:05,040
[disquieting score]
614
00:28:06,950 --> 00:28:08,570
Double-glazed windows.
615
00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:11,790
The Hasans play their music
from midnight to six AM.
616
00:28:11,830 --> 00:28:14,620
They even put subwoofers on
the ground to shake the walls.
617
00:28:14,670 --> 00:28:17,550
-They’re evil people.
-What kind of music?
618
00:28:17,590 --> 00:28:20,970
-Show tunes; ’80s TV themes;
619
00:28:21,010 --> 00:28:23,930
Hall. And. Oates.
620
00:28:23,970 --> 00:28:25,560
-Monsters.
621
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:27,480
-Two o’clock in the morning
and I need to be reminded
622
00:28:27,510 --> 00:28:29,430
that my kiss
is on their list?
623
00:28:29,470 --> 00:28:31,010
-Why do we even
have prisons?
624
00:28:34,350 --> 00:28:36,640
-Just sign it.
-No.
625
00:28:36,690 --> 00:28:39,950
Just no.
Emphatically no.
626
00:28:39,980 --> 00:28:41,770
-This land thing
was their choice,
627
00:28:41,820 --> 00:28:43,320
not yours.
628
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,820
You can leave your property
to whoever you want!
629
00:28:45,870 --> 00:28:47,750
The Humane Society,
Doctors Without Borders,
630
00:28:47,780 --> 00:28:49,490
the Broadway League Foundation.
631
00:28:49,540 --> 00:28:51,290
-Leave Anthony out of this,
please.
632
00:28:52,370 --> 00:28:53,910
If they wanted it so badly,
633
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,960
why did they forget
to have it in the will?
634
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,970
-This is what they wanted.
Does that mean nothing to you?
635
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:00,460
-Clearly it means
more to you.
636
00:29:01,550 --> 00:29:03,090
Perfect Abby.
637
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:05,750
Always does
what makes mommy happy.
638
00:29:06,390 --> 00:29:08,020
Never rocks the boat.
639
00:29:08,050 --> 00:29:09,920
[tender score]
640
00:29:09,970 --> 00:29:11,930
-You broke their hearts.
641
00:29:11,980 --> 00:29:14,810
You left the priesthood.
You married a--
642
00:29:15,730 --> 00:29:18,030
A-a wonderful guy
who I personally love
643
00:29:18,060 --> 00:29:20,480
and knows every lyric
Stephen Sondheim ever wrote.
644
00:29:21,900 --> 00:29:23,480
And, still,
you were their favorite.
645
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:27,790
Mm-hm.
646
00:29:28,830 --> 00:29:30,330
You won.
647
00:29:31,370 --> 00:29:33,080
My third-favorite
little brother.
648
00:29:34,580 --> 00:29:36,880
You went against everything
they ever taught us,
649
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:38,630
everything they ever dreamed...
650
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,670
and, in the end,
they loved you more, anyway.
651
00:29:45,090 --> 00:29:47,060
Yay for you, Philly.
652
00:29:47,090 --> 00:29:48,630
You won.
653
00:29:49,260 --> 00:29:50,970
[chair quietly scraping]
654
00:29:51,010 --> 00:29:52,510
You know what?
655
00:29:53,850 --> 00:29:55,860
Sign the papers, or don’t.
656
00:29:58,270 --> 00:30:00,150
You can let me know
by mail.
657
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:02,990
[footsteps recede]
658
00:30:12,540 --> 00:30:14,210
-You’re the boss, Luke,
as always.
659
00:30:14,250 --> 00:30:17,090
But there is no sign
of anything psychokinetic,
660
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:18,700
only evil.
661
00:30:18,750 --> 00:30:20,260
-So, your instruments
are telling you--
662
00:30:20,290 --> 00:30:24,370
-My sense of common decency
tells me the Masseys
663
00:30:24,420 --> 00:30:26,380
should be sealed in a bell jar
and studied!
664
00:30:27,130 --> 00:30:28,710
-[edgy score]
-Hey, Zooey, what did you--
665
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:30,600
-Those people are animals!
666
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:32,180
-So, we agree.
667
00:30:32,220 --> 00:30:33,840
-I don’t think it’s enough
for the Hasans
668
00:30:33,890 --> 00:30:35,900
to just be
cast into the pit of hell.
669
00:30:35,930 --> 00:30:37,550
-The Hasans?
670
00:30:38,230 --> 00:30:40,610
-We should
set them on fire first!
671
00:30:40,650 --> 00:30:43,440
-The Hasans?
Innocent victims
672
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,560
of the Masseys’ sick,
raccoon-based perversions?
673
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,700
-No one should be told
at two o’clock in the morning
674
00:30:49,740 --> 00:30:52,910
that their kiss is on
someone’s list. Without consent!
675
00:30:52,950 --> 00:30:54,460
-You’re insane.
676
00:30:54,490 --> 00:30:56,030
-Oh! You’re bald!
677
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:58,790
-You wear unnecessary metal
in your nose.
678
00:30:58,830 --> 00:31:00,700
-Okay.
-Okay, before we say something--
679
00:31:00,750 --> 00:31:03,260
-Oh, farmer boy!
-Needy girl!
680
00:31:03,290 --> 00:31:05,120
-Needy?
You’re slipping, August!
681
00:31:05,170 --> 00:31:07,720
Why only use two syllables
when six will do?
682
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,390
-You’re a quitter! You’ve only
been a real estate agent
683
00:31:10,430 --> 00:31:12,100
for a few days
and already you want out!
684
00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:14,390
Your father should have
taught you better.
685
00:31:14,430 --> 00:31:16,100
Oh, wait,
you never really had a--
686
00:31:16,140 --> 00:31:17,690
-[sharp slap]
-Oh!
687
00:31:19,350 --> 00:31:20,930
[dramatic score fades out]
688
00:31:23,900 --> 00:31:25,450
[gasps]
689
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,070
-[tender score]
-[Zooey gasps]
690
00:31:30,110 --> 00:31:32,940
-August, I am so sorry!
691
00:31:32,990 --> 00:31:34,830
-Zooey...
692
00:31:35,660 --> 00:31:39,250
You mean the world to me
and I cannot believe--
693
00:31:39,290 --> 00:31:40,840
-I’m so sorry!
694
00:31:41,420 --> 00:31:42,960
-Are you guys okay?
695
00:31:43,630 --> 00:31:45,300
How long were you
inside those houses?
696
00:31:46,090 --> 00:31:47,800
-Less than three hours.
-Four hours.
697
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:53,050
-But it isn’t enough
just to be inside the house.
698
00:31:54,010 --> 00:31:55,590
You need to confront someone
699
00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:58,390
who was recently
inside the other house.
700
00:31:58,430 --> 00:32:00,510
That is when
the fireworks start.
701
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:03,810
-So, what?
It-it’ll never end?
702
00:32:04,810 --> 00:32:08,310
-People write songs and sonnets
about everlasting love.
703
00:32:09,110 --> 00:32:10,660
But for true
staying power...
704
00:32:11,700 --> 00:32:14,200
hate takes the taco.
705
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:29,500
[intriguing score]
706
00:32:34,430 --> 00:32:35,970
[swish]
707
00:32:37,010 --> 00:32:38,550
[swish]
708
00:32:47,020 --> 00:32:48,810
-[tablet thuds onto desk]
-[papers rustling]
709
00:32:57,070 --> 00:32:58,610
-A cow.
710
00:32:59,870 --> 00:33:01,420
Damn cow.
711
00:33:02,910 --> 00:33:04,450
-I hope you’re right.
712
00:33:04,500 --> 00:33:07,090
Phil... make it fast.
713
00:33:07,130 --> 00:33:08,670
-I’m minutes away.
714
00:33:09,670 --> 00:33:11,220
[edgy score]
715
00:33:16,180 --> 00:33:17,720
[whoosh]
716
00:33:19,260 --> 00:33:20,800
[wind whistling]
717
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:23,100
[dramatic score]
718
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:28,030
[dramatic boom]
719
00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:51,420
-[Renata] It’s on, alright.
720
00:33:52,050 --> 00:33:54,260
-Bring it! Bring it on!
-[unintelligible arguing]
721
00:33:54,300 --> 00:33:56,510
[engine revving,
tires squealing]
722
00:33:56,550 --> 00:33:58,100
[angry arguing continues]
723
00:33:59,430 --> 00:34:01,890
-Don’t do this!
Don’t do this!
724
00:34:02,430 --> 00:34:03,930
-Ambrose! Parker!
725
00:34:05,770 --> 00:34:08,650
It’s not their fault!
It’s a curse -- a blood feud.
726
00:34:08,690 --> 00:34:11,150
-[all screaming]
-[Phil] Listen! Listen!
727
00:34:11,860 --> 00:34:13,990
Back a 100 years ago,
this was all farmland.
728
00:34:14,030 --> 00:34:15,950
-[whoosh]
-[dramatic score]
729
00:34:15,990 --> 00:34:18,490
Property line
in the exact same place.
730
00:34:18,530 --> 00:34:20,160
Parker had cows.
731
00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:22,120
Ambrose grew sorghum.
Everybody got along.
732
00:34:22,740 --> 00:34:25,410
One day one of Parker’s cows
got into Ambrose’s crops.
733
00:34:25,450 --> 00:34:27,080
Ambrose tied him up
734
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,040
intending to return him
by nightfall,
735
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,870
but things got busy
and he forgot.
736
00:34:31,460 --> 00:34:34,630
Well, Parker saw that
Ambrose had one of his cows
737
00:34:34,670 --> 00:34:36,380
and got mad as hell.
738
00:34:36,420 --> 00:34:38,170
The two men came to blows
but the families split ’em up
739
00:34:38,220 --> 00:34:40,350
and sent the sons out
the next day to build a fence.
740
00:34:41,470 --> 00:34:43,140
These were hotheaded farm boys
741
00:34:43,180 --> 00:34:44,730
and they started fighting.
742
00:34:45,430 --> 00:34:47,260
First with words,
then with knives.
743
00:34:47,310 --> 00:34:48,900
Shovels. Axes.
744
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,100
[muffled audio]
745
00:34:52,940 --> 00:34:54,860
It turned into
a slaughter.
746
00:35:01,490 --> 00:35:03,500
They say the blood
ran into the postholes.
747
00:35:07,710 --> 00:35:09,250
From that day on...
748
00:35:09,290 --> 00:35:11,630
families on either side
of that fence...
749
00:35:14,460 --> 00:35:16,000
hated each other.
750
00:35:16,050 --> 00:35:17,590
[tender score]
751
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:35,860
[axe thudding]
752
00:35:38,820 --> 00:35:40,370
[thudding continues]
753
00:35:57,170 --> 00:35:59,080
-Ready?
754
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:01,470
[grunts, groans]
755
00:36:03,550 --> 00:36:05,090
[fence thuds]
756
00:36:21,030 --> 00:36:22,580
[score fades out]
757
00:36:33,170 --> 00:36:35,130
-Yo. Philly.
758
00:36:38,590 --> 00:36:40,510
-What are you doing here?
759
00:36:40,550 --> 00:36:42,180
-The clock radio
in my hotel room
760
00:36:42,220 --> 00:36:43,800
woke me up this morning
761
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:45,920
and was playing
a Judas Priest song.
762
00:36:46,510 --> 00:36:48,090
And I thought of you.
763
00:36:48,140 --> 00:36:49,600
-You know,
I’m not sure
764
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:51,270
how I’m supposed to feel
about that, Abs.
765
00:36:52,770 --> 00:36:54,320
[sighs]
766
00:36:55,350 --> 00:36:56,890
-I realized
767
00:36:56,940 --> 00:36:59,110
how you must have felt
about the church.
768
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:02,660
Whatever you decide
about the land thing, just...
769
00:37:03,700 --> 00:37:05,790
send me the paperwork
and I’ll deal with it.
770
00:37:07,070 --> 00:37:08,610
Or not.
771
00:37:12,790 --> 00:37:14,710
Okay. That’s it.
772
00:37:14,750 --> 00:37:16,710
-Tell Ethan that...
-[tender score]
773
00:37:17,420 --> 00:37:19,590
Jesus doesn’t mind
when you spill his body,
774
00:37:19,630 --> 00:37:21,590
but if you spill his blood,
775
00:37:21,630 --> 00:37:23,180
mix three parts
hydrogen peroxide
776
00:37:23,220 --> 00:37:25,970
to one part dish soap.
It gets the stains right out.
777
00:37:29,220 --> 00:37:31,180
-Hm.
778
00:37:31,220 --> 00:37:32,800
You are a good uncle.
779
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:44,820
Second favorite brother.
780
00:37:44,860 --> 00:37:46,400
[snorts]
781
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:48,740
[elevator arriving chime
doors opening]
782
00:37:49,490 --> 00:37:51,030
[laughing]
783
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:52,620
[pleasant
indistinct conversation]
784
00:37:55,750 --> 00:37:57,300
[engine turns off]
785
00:37:58,290 --> 00:37:59,830
-[car door closes]
-Hey.
786
00:38:00,340 --> 00:38:02,680
-Luke! It’s perfect.
787
00:38:02,710 --> 00:38:04,880
Tarik was just saying
now that the fence is gone,
788
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:07,670
we can have full-sun hibiscus
running all the way down.
789
00:38:07,720 --> 00:38:10,020
-I’m so glad to talk plants
with someone. Mina’s hopeless.
790
00:38:10,050 --> 00:38:12,170
-[laughs] So’s Rowan.
-[Tarik laughs]
791
00:38:15,890 --> 00:38:17,970
-What a tragic waste of time.
792
00:38:18,020 --> 00:38:20,740
The Masseys just told me
they’re no longer selling.
793
00:38:20,770 --> 00:38:22,980
-Yeah, the Hasans
feel the same way.
794
00:38:23,820 --> 00:38:27,160
-Poor Alvin. He nearly
bounced into eternity and...
795
00:38:27,950 --> 00:38:29,830
-died in vain.
-Hm.
796
00:38:30,570 --> 00:38:32,110
Just out of curiosity,
797
00:38:32,700 --> 00:38:34,530
what do you think happens
when we die?
798
00:38:34,580 --> 00:38:36,250
-I have no idea.
799
00:38:37,290 --> 00:38:39,630
But it probably
affects your credit scores.
800
00:38:45,380 --> 00:38:46,930
[light conversation, laughter]
801
00:38:55,430 --> 00:38:58,260
-No? Hell, no?
802
00:38:58,310 --> 00:38:59,860
-No.
803
00:38:59,900 --> 00:39:01,480
Hell, yes.
804
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:03,680
I signed the damn papers over.
805
00:39:03,730 --> 00:39:07,650
Our ancestral land is going
to be a vacation bible school,
806
00:39:08,570 --> 00:39:10,790
or a...
popemobile parking lot,
807
00:39:11,370 --> 00:39:14,160
or a place where they train
Jesuits to fight in the octagon.
808
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:17,580
Better get a nice fruit basket
from the Vatican.
809
00:39:18,540 --> 00:39:20,130
-Oh, honey.
810
00:39:20,170 --> 00:39:22,050
-Just wasn’t worth the fight,
you know?
811
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:24,590
-You’re a good person.
812
00:39:25,130 --> 00:39:27,130
-Mm. Not really.
813
00:39:27,670 --> 00:39:29,210
But thank you.
814
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:31,840
Oh, any word
from the adoption people?
815
00:39:33,300 --> 00:39:34,840
[tender score]
816
00:39:34,890 --> 00:39:36,600
You gotta know,
817
00:39:37,220 --> 00:39:39,930
as much as you want this baby--
and I do, too, we both do,
818
00:39:39,980 --> 00:39:41,520
don’t get me wrong--
819
00:39:42,770 --> 00:39:46,980
please don’t feel like
we need a baby to be a family.
820
00:39:47,610 --> 00:39:50,620
-Yeah, I know.
I-it’s just--
821
00:39:50,650 --> 00:39:52,190
-Hey...
822
00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:53,790
You and I...
823
00:39:54,620 --> 00:39:57,000
we’re a better family
than most people will ever find.
824
00:40:00,790 --> 00:40:02,340
Come here.
825
00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:09,340
We can always get a dog.
826
00:40:12,430 --> 00:40:13,970
[score fades out]
827
00:40:15,180 --> 00:40:17,230
-Good night, Zooey.
-Good night, Augie.
828
00:40:17,260 --> 00:40:18,800
-[footsteps receding]
829
00:40:20,940 --> 00:40:22,690
[elevator arriving chime,
doors slide open]
830
00:40:24,810 --> 00:40:26,480
-Hey.
831
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:29,950
What August said earlier:
is it true?
832
00:40:29,990 --> 00:40:31,530
-Yes.
833
00:40:31,570 --> 00:40:33,530
The metal in my nose
is unnecessary.
834
00:40:33,570 --> 00:40:35,530
-[gentle score]
-The other thing.
835
00:40:35,570 --> 00:40:37,070
-About quitting?
836
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:38,660
Not being an agent?
837
00:40:41,330 --> 00:40:42,960
[sighs]
I...
838
00:40:44,580 --> 00:40:46,120
I hate your job.
839
00:40:46,790 --> 00:40:48,410
[scoffs]
All of it!
840
00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:52,040
The arguments with stupid people
who think they’re smart.
841
00:40:52,090 --> 00:40:53,970
Rita Weiss
being my best friend...
842
00:40:54,010 --> 00:40:55,560
the whole thing.
843
00:40:55,590 --> 00:40:57,380
-But you’re good at it.
844
00:40:57,430 --> 00:40:59,640
-Yeah, well,
I’m good at karaoke, too!
845
00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:01,390
Doesn’t mean I want to
do it for a living.
846
00:41:02,430 --> 00:41:03,970
Look, I...
847
00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:08,930
I don’t know what my thing is.
848
00:41:08,980 --> 00:41:10,520
Maybe I’ll never find my thing,
849
00:41:11,240 --> 00:41:13,910
but I am absolutely sure
that this thing
850
00:41:14,490 --> 00:41:16,040
is not my thing.
851
00:41:17,410 --> 00:41:18,950
I’m really sorry.
852
00:41:25,420 --> 00:41:28,090
-You haven’t heard from, uh...
Susan?
853
00:41:29,460 --> 00:41:31,000
-No.
854
00:41:38,010 --> 00:41:39,550
[gentle sigh]
855
00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:43,060
[tender score]
856
00:41:45,890 --> 00:41:47,430
[phone line trilling]
857
00:41:47,860 --> 00:41:50,780
-Hi! You’ve reached
Susan Ireland.
858
00:41:50,820 --> 00:41:52,660
I’m on a bit of a sabbatical
right now,
859
00:41:52,690 --> 00:41:54,860
so if you need
immediate assistance,
860
00:41:54,900 --> 00:41:58,230
press one.
Otherwise, leave me a message
861
00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:00,190
and roll the dice!
Drink the wine!
862
00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:01,780
Because life is a mystery
863
00:42:01,830 --> 00:42:04,420
and the sun
is only a morning star!
864
00:42:04,460 --> 00:42:06,000
[hang up click]
865
00:42:12,380 --> 00:42:14,050
[laptop clicks shut]
866
00:42:17,890 --> 00:42:19,680
-Damn it, Susan.
What do you want me to say?
867
00:42:20,970 --> 00:42:22,510
I’m sorry.
868
00:42:23,140 --> 00:42:24,770
I’m sorry
that you made it so easy
869
00:42:24,810 --> 00:42:28,360
to laugh at your process,
at your color-coded paperclips.
870
00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:31,650
I am sorry that you did it
so effortlessly
871
00:42:32,270 --> 00:42:34,230
that I forgot
how good you really are.
872
00:42:36,530 --> 00:42:39,160
I’m sorry that this place
just doesn’t seem to run
873
00:42:40,530 --> 00:42:42,610
as good without you.
874
00:42:42,660 --> 00:42:45,000
And, most of all,
I am sorry that I am saying it
875
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:48,420
to this credenza
instead of your face.
876
00:42:54,250 --> 00:42:55,790
[score fades out]
63048
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